03x22 - Archie Learns His Lesson

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[SIGHS]

What's the
matter, Mike?

I don't know.
Something's missing.

Not enough salt?

Not enough Archie.
It's too quiet around here.

Michael, don't tell me you
like arguing with Daddy.

I didn't say
I like it.

It's just that
I'm used to it.

My body is used to it.

When Archie's here,
I eat better.

Well, don't worry, Mike.

He's only working overtime
tonight.

Tomorrow he'll be home
at his regular time,

and I'm sure he'll get
in a nice argument with you.

Ma, this pot roast
was delicious.

Thank you.

Oh, I'll never forget
the first time

I made pot roast
for your father.

Only he wasn't
your father then.

We was just keeping company.

I invited him to my house
for dinner,

and I made him pot roast,

and that was the first time
he ever called me "dingbat."

Well, that's awful,

even if he didn't
like your cooking.

Oh, no, he loved it.

Well, why'd he
call you "dingbat"?

Well, in them days,

Archie was too shy to call me
"sweetheart" or "darling,"

so instead he called me
his "little dingbat."

And you know what?

Ever since then, no matter
how mad he says "dingbat,"

I always hear
a little "sweetheart" in it.

That's lovely, Ma.

Hey, Ma, where'd Archie
get that word from

in the first place?

He inherited it from his father.

What do you know?
"Dingbat," the Bunker heirloom.

Get away from me, all of youse.

Hi, Daddy.
EDITH: Hello, Archie.

I don't have
time for that.

I'll get your dinner.

I ain't got no time
for that neither, Edith.

It's all ready.

I ain't got no time,
Edith.

I just got time to get
myself a cheese sandwich

and a can of beer,
that's all.

But it won't take long.

Edith, I'm telling
you, I'm in a hurry.

I ain't even got time
to go up to the toilet.

Oh. Well, if you got to go,

you better pay
your little visit now.

I can wait, Edith,

if only you don't
talk about it.

But, Archie,
you know how you are.

You'll get halfway
to the subway,

and you'll have to come
running back.

That's how you missed
Mrs. Defendorpher's funeral.

Remember?

I'm telling you,

this rushing around
is k*lling me.

Oh, why don't you
skip tonight?

I can't do that,
Edith.

I'm way behind already.

Jeez, oh, look
at this here!

Every hunk of cheese in
a piece of cellophane.

They'll be doing this
next with sardines!

I'll do it.

This job could mean
an awful lot to us,

this new job.

Yeah, I know, Archie,

but even if you
don't get it--

Don't say that, will you?

Look at me,
work hard all my life,

and what have I got
to show for it?

This job could mean

a thousand bucks a year
extra for the two of us.

Oh, Archie, money ain't
that important.

Oh... Not to
Rockefeller it ain't,

because he's got it.

What about me here?

Oh, no, Edith,
a little extra dough,

I can get you
all them extra things

that you like,
you know?

But, Archie, I don't
need nothing.

You're gonna get them
whether you need them or not!

And besides...

it's hard work
I do out there

on that
loading platform

out in the cold
all the time.

Dispatcher's job, now,
there's something else.

All the dispatcher does

is push a pencil across
a desk all day long.

Another thing,
how do I know the boss

ain't going to go out
there on that loading dock

and replace me
with a younger guy someday?

Oh, Archie, that ain't
gonna happen to you.

Oh, people always say that.

"That ain't gonna
happen to you."

Then the first thing,
you turn around--

You know what I just tasted
going down?

No.

Cellophane off the cheese.
Thanks a million!

I think what you're
doing is wonderful,

and I want you to know
I'm proud of you,

and Mike and Gloria
will be proud of you too.

Did you tell them
about this?

Oh, no, no.

You did! You told them
the secret, right?

No, no, Archie, they don't know.

If you don't believe me,
ask them.

I will.

You dingbat, you
almost had me do it.

What's the big rush,
Daddy?

The big rush, little girl,
is that I'm going bowling.

That's the rush.

Archie, don't you think

you'd better pay
your little visit upstairs?

No, I don't want to pay
the little visit upstairs.

Ma, what's going on
with Daddy?

Nothing.

I think
it's something.

Well, he don't want to be late.

It's an important
bowling tournament.

Another tournament?

That's where Daddy said
he was going last week.

Oh.

Well, last week,
they was rained out.

Bowling, rained out?

Ma, are you keeping
something from us?

No.
GLORIA: Come on, Ma.

Doesn't it bother you

that Daddy's going out
all these nights?

Mm, no.

It's a nice change.

Ma...

Well, it's like
Bette Davis

used to say,

"Who wants a man hanging around
the house all the time, anyway?

Not me. Ha-ha, ha-ha."

I'm going in there.

Wait a second,
Gloria, wait a second.

Isn't it obvious

your mother doesn't
want to talk about it?

She'll tell us when
she's good and ready.

I can't wait till then.

Gloria!

GLORIA: Come on,
Michael!

Ma...

Hi, uh, we just
came in to say

that we're late
for the movies.

We gotta go.
Goodbye.

Goodbye.
So long.

Michael,
I want to find out

what's going on
around here.

Gloria, if your mother
doesn't want to tell us,

that is her privilege.

Privacy is guaranteed us
by the Bill of Rights

when Archie's not home.

Now, please, don't be
so nosy. Let's go.

All right, I'm coming,
I'm coming.

Hey, Michael, look what
Daddy left under my hat,

his bowling ball.

Ma!

Yeah? What is it?

Oh.

How could Daddy
go bowling without this?

Maybe he's the referee.

Ma!

There's no referee
in bowling.

Oh, Gloria,
I'm sorry,

but I promised Archie
I wouldn't tell you.

But, Ma,
that was before

we found
the bowling ball,

so if you tell us

something that
we already know,

that's not breaking
a promise.

Oh, yeah.

All right, I'll tell you.

Archie didn't go bowling
tonight.

We already
know that, Ma.

Come on.

Gloria, you must never tell
Archie I told you.

Well, you see,

there's this
dispatcher's job

down at the plant
that he wants to get.

What's that got to do
with his going out nights?

Oh, Archie never wanted
you two to know this.

You see, he had to leave school
to get a job

and help his family,
so he never graduated.

Oh, I see.

You see what?

Archie's going back
to high school.

Oh, my, I'm glad I didn't have
to tell you.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Who's that, Ma?

Sounds like Archie.

He left
five minutes ago.

He never made it
to the subway.

Archie...

All right, Edith,
Get out of my way!

I'm in a hurry.
And you, Meathead,

put my bowling ball
back in the clo--

What are you doing
with my bowling ball?

Uh...

Gloria gave it to me.

You told them.

EDITH: No, Archie,
I didn't.

Yes, you did.

You told them the secret
about me going to high school.

I can tell by the bowling ball.

Daddy, Ma didn't want
to say anything,

but I pried
it out of her.

She shouldn't have told youse.

Besides, I think

what you're doing
is wonderful.

Yeah, Arch,
we're all proud of you.

Aw...

Hey, just so you didn't
graduate high school,

that's nothing
to be ashamed of.

As a matter of fact,

that was a great
thing that you did.

There are not many guys
who would quit school

to help support
their families.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Must've been
doing it unconsciously.

BOTH: That's the way
you do everything.

That's right.

Don't make
no more noise.

[WHISTLING "BILL BAILEY,
WON'T YOU PLEASE COME HOME?"]

Hey, Ted Weems, there.

[WHISTLES END OF SONG QUICKLY]

Listen, if I flunk
my history exam,

it's going to be your fault.

Can't you study someplace else?

Arch, this is the only place
in the house

where there's enough room
for all my stuff.

All right, then study.

Keep quiet.
Don't bother me, huh?

I-- I'm sorry.

Hmm.

"Manifest Destiny."

What?

Nothing.
I'm talking to myself, here.

Oh.

I said, uh, Manifest Destiny.

Would you like to know
what it means?

Hey, Edith.

That'll be the day,
I have to ask you.

Yeah?

Oh, my two students.

Remember the other day,

you and me was discussing
Manifest Destiny?

Manifest Destiny?

Yeah, Manifest Destiny.

I had the meaning in my head,
but it flew out,

and now I can't find it no place
in the book.

What did I say that it meant?

Well, maybe Mike knows.

Mike, do you know

what Manifest Destiny
means?

Yeah.

Well, what does it mean?

Are you asking me a question?

Your mother-in-law
asked you a question.

You going to answer her or not?

Sure, Ma.

Manifest Destiny
was the doctrine

that asserted the inevitability

of United States' domination
of the North American continent.

You know she can't understand
language like that.

Can't you explain
it to her in easy words?

It means that we had the right

to take over
other people's territory,

supposedly for their own good.

There you are, Edith.

It's what I said.

Now, do me a favor.

Get that history
quiz book over there

and come back
and start asking me

them test questions
we didn't finish.

Yeah, sure, Archie.
Hurry up.

Arch, uh,

when you were talking
with Ma the other day

about Manifest Destiny, uh,

did you mention the fact

that it was just another name
for American imperialism?

Huh?

That's right.

It was just an excuse
to rip off other people's land.

That's the way
we stole Texas from Mexico.

Listen, subversive...

the U.S. of A. never stole
nothing from nobody.

The Mexicans was only too glad
to give us Texas

after we beat
the hell out of them in a w*r.

Here it is.

Well, come on,
ask me some questions.

I got no
time here.

Arch, uh, do you mind
if I listen to your answers?

I love science fiction.

Listen, you. Just get away
from my study table, huh?

Arch, I-- I have to finish
this project by tomorrow.

I gotta take a test
later on tonight.

Now, will you take yourself
out of here?

All right.

Edith, sit
down and start.

Yeah, I'll sit over here,

so you can't peek
at the answers.

Come on, will you?

Ask.

First question:

When were the Articles
of Peace signed?

Uh, answer:

The Articles of Peace
were signed in, uh...

Gee, dates are so hard.

Why do they ask dates?

I don't know. When?

Artic... Articles
of Peace, .

All right, ...

Now, hold it, hold it.

Wait'll I get that.

Articles... Peace... .

All right, go ahead.

Next question.

What was Columbus looking for
in his expedition?

Uh, in his expedition, Colum...
uh, Columbus was looking

for a f--
A faster route to the Indies.

That's good, Archie.

Now, answer true or false.

President McKinley started
the Spanish-American w*r

despite the fact
that Spain had already agreed

to all our demands.

That's false.

Oh...

I'm sorry, Archie.

It's true.

It ain't true.

No American president
never started a w*r over that.

That's what the book says.

Aw...look at that!

You see what I got to do
to pass this test?

I got to lie.

All right,
I'll put it down, though.

McKinley... All right, true.

Get it over with.
Next question.

Who said the treatment
of the American Indian

was a national disgrace?

Treatment
of the American Indian...

national disgrace, uh...

Well, uh, Geronimo?

No.

Come on, it had to be some
Indian that said that. Who?

President Kennedy.

Aw, that's a lie!

Kennedy never said that,

or maybe he said it,
but he didn't mean it.

He-- He maybe said it
when he was running for office.

He was trying
to get the Indian vote,

which he never got anyhow.

How do you know?

Because, Meathead,
the Indians don't vote.

Archie, the Indians were given
the vote in .

I ain't talking about that.

I'm saying
that they don't use their vote,

like a fellow told me.

They sell all their horses
for booze,

and then they can't ride
into town.

That is the stupidest
thing I've ever heard!

That ain't stupid!
That's the truth!

That's what the Indians
do to us

after all we done
for them.

All we've done for them? Arch!

Let me tell you something
about this country

and the American Indians
and all we've done for them!

We lied to them,
we cheated them,

and then we drove them
off their land

without paying for it!

Hold it! Then what--

What are you talking about,
their land?

They never had no land!

They couldn't read or write.

How could Sitting Bull
sign a lease?

All the Indians ever did

was ride around
scalping wagon trains.

Archie, what would you do

if somebody cheated you
out of your land?

Well, I wouldn't scalp the guy.

I'd hire myself a lawyer.

I don't believe it!
What?

Where are you going?

How do you deal
with this lunacy?

Help me!

What are you yelling about?

I ain't talking
about the Polacks.

I'm talking about the Indians.

[SCREAMING]

I think Gloria
better quit her job

and stay home
and take care of that guy.

Come on, Edith,
I got a lot of history to learn,

so let's get on with it.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I got something
for you.

What?

I can't tell you.
It's a surprise.

Oh, hurry up, Edith, huh?

[GROANING]

Hiya, Daddy.

Oh, hi, there, little girl.

Aw, jeez, look at this one.

In that year, the Eye-talian,
Marconi, invented radio.

Imagine them telling me
a lie like that

and the RCA building staring
me in the face every day.

You working hard?

I certainly am,
little girl.

There.

What are you doing with those
little pieces of paper?

I'm writing down the answers
to my history questions.

Oh, gee, Daddy,

it looks like
crib notes.

Bingo.

Are you going to use
those crib notes on your exam?

Certainly, I'm going
to use them.

I'm going to have them
right here in this pocket

in case I need them.

Daddy, that's cheating!

What do you mean, cheating?

That ain't chea-- Cheating
is when you are supposed

to give something
to somebody else

and you don't give it.

That's cheating.

Now, me, I'm taking a test.

I'm supposed to give them
the right answers.

That's what
I'm going to give them.

I ain't cheating them.

But, Daddy,
you're cheating yourself!

No, no,
I get a diploma out of it.

You're not being
honest with yourself.

I certainly am, little girl.

I sat down
and I asked myself a question.

I said,
"Can you pass this history exam

without
them little pieces of paper?"

And I gave myself
an honest answer.

"No, you couldn't."

What's wrong
with you?

You been talking
to your father?

Michael, do you know
what Daddy's doing?

He is preparing crib notes
to cheat on his exam.

Well, that doesn't surprise me.

Ah, lay off me,
the two of youse.

You don't understand
the whole thing.

I'm up for a better job.

I ain't going to get
that better job

without I get
my diploma.

I'm doing this for the
good of the whole family.

Oh, so what
you're saying

is that the end justifies
the means, huh?

I ain't saying that,
because I don't know what it is.

Archie, you're saying
that it's all right

for you to do
something bad

in order to get something
that you think is good.

Well?

You know, you'd make
a great witness.

ARCHIE: For what?
The Watergate trial.

That's the same
excuse they gave.

The Watergate trial,
the Watergate trial!

All youse liberals are plunking
on that note all the time.

You lost the election.
Why don't you shut up?

Edith, bring me out

the rest of
my history notes.

You mean crib notes.

Clam up, you.

Here they are!

Surprise!

What did you do here?

I pasted them--

You pasted them
on there, yeah!

But how am I going
to use them?

I can't get them off now.

Now you can study them
on the subway.

Who told you to do that?

Nobody.

I thought of it
all by myself.

From now on, Edith,

when a thought starts
coming at you,

duck, huh?

Ma! Daddy's coming.
Michael, you better get up.

Ma, you got the letter?

Yeah, right here.

I don't know if I want
to be in the room

when he opens
the letter.

I mean, what
if he failed?

Well, that's the point, Michael.

If he did fail, we have to
try and cheer him up.

Gloria, I don't think
my being here

is going to cheer him up.

I think you should both
go upstairs and wait,

and I'll let you know
as soon as he opens it.

Good idea,
good idea.

Hurry, Michael,
he's coming.

What's the matter with you?

Archie, this came for you today.

It's from the school.

It may be about your test.

Don't shove it
at me, Edith.

Don't you want
to open it?

Let me take off my hat
and coat first, huh?

Can you do that?

From the school, huh?

Yeah.

Give it to me.

I guess it's the test
result, all right.

Yeah.

I can't open it.

You open it for me,
Edith.

Well, give me
the envelope.

Yeah, here's
the envelope.

Oh, my...

it's just like
the Academy Awards.

Well, read it,
will you?

Who's the winner,
me or the school?

Archie, you are!

You passed!

Yeah?
Let me see the paper.

Oh, Mike, Gloria,
he passed!

Hey, hey, I did?
I did?

We got a dispatcher
in the family!

Hey, all right!

Congratulations!

Way to go!

[PHONE RINGS]

That's great!
I'll get it!

I passed it there!

See, Daddy, you did it
all on your own.

You didn't even need
to cheat.

That's right.

I gambled a little, though,

tossing a nickel
on the true-and-falsies.

Hey, Arch,
it's Stretch Cunningham.

Oh, good old Stretch.

Give me the phone.

Wait'll he hears
the news.

Hiya, Stretch, Archie here.

Hold it, there, hold it.

Before you talk any more,
you got to show a little respect

when you're talking
to a high school graduate,

class of ' .

Yeah, I got it.

You what?

Well, when did that happen?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, goodbye, Stretch.

Uh, by the way, uh,
thanks for nothing.

What's the matter,
Daddy?

Well,
the matter is, uh,

looks like I've been studying
the wrong subject.

Instead of studying
American History,

I guess
I should've been studying

the theory
of relativity.

What are you
talking about?

Relativity, Meathead.

The boss' nephew
got the dispatcher's job.

Oh, Daddy.
That's too bad, Arch.

How could they
do that to him?

Ah, well, that's
the way things are.

Jeez... And here I am, stuck
with a high school diploma.

Archie, here it is!

Here's your diploma, all framed.

Oh, look at that.

Ain't it beautiful?

Yeah.

Archie, where shall we hang it?

I think you ought to hang it
someplace where it'll stand out.

How about Ripley's
Believe It or Not Museum?

[♪]

All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.