Come on, girls.
We're gonna be late.
Come on,
come on, come on.
Oops.
Honey, you wanna
do something about that?
Gee, honey, you'll be back
in minutes.
Jim.
You got minutes.
Eat up.
It was a lot cuter
eight years ago.
♪♪♪
Yes!
It's Dana!
Jim, Jim,
Dana and Ryan are here.
Oh, great, honey.
Thanks for the heads-up.
I'll be in the garage.
Jim!
No, you know what?
Tell 'em I'm in bed.
Better yet,
tell 'em I'm dead.
Jim!
This is the first time
my sister's been back
since they moved
to California.
Would it k*ll you
to act excited?
Cheryl, you know
who you married.
Unless it's about sports,
steaks or fireworks,
I don't get excited.
Oh.
Oh! Hi!
Hi!
Hello, hello, mwah! Oh!
Hey, Jimmy!
Hey, Ryan!
Dana.
Jim.
Okay,
I guess we're done here, right?
Stop it!
Come, sit down, relax.
Wait, wait, wait.
We have
some very big news first.
Mandy and I
have some very big news.
Oh. Hey, Dana.
Hey, Andy,
my news first.
No, no, no, no.
My news first.
Well, what's the news?
Come on. You finally got a girl
to go on a second date with you,
so you got engaged...
Oh, and we're so excited!
Dana couldn't lose
her baby weight,
so she got pregnant.
And I'm going to the garage.
Stop it!
This is great news.
Would you just act excited?
Fine, fine, fine!
I'm excited, I'm excited.
I am so excited!
Oh, when are you due?
Oh, do you have a date set yet?
Is it a boy or a girl?
Don't you go wedding dress
shopping without me!
Oh, my god, oh, my god,
oh, my god, oh, my god!
I'm so excited!
How's that?
Hey... Ryan.
I think Jim wants
to play charades.
Cheryl, I think
he's choking.
What?
Oh, my god! Jim!
Jim, Jim, are you okay?
Jim!
Jim!
Say something!
Come on, man!
Where am I?
Cheryl?
I think something's burnin'.
Danny!
Danny!
Oh, Danny,
thank god you're here, man.
Uh, you've gotta
give me a ride home.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold on a second.
All right,
I know you don't like it
when I hug you
around the waist,
so I'll put my hands
on your shoulders.
No, listen, man.
I got some good news
and some bad news for you.
Great, great,
what's the good news?
We're gonna be hanging out
together all the time!
Yes! What's the bad news?
We're dead.
Dead?
Danny, I-I was having
this great year,
and then I choke,
and it's over.
I feel like
I'm the cubs.
You are gonna
love it up here.
Yeah?
The beer's free,
the band's always great,
and you get to ride your
motorcycle without a helmet!
Oh, great. Well--
well, how did you die?
Riding my motorcycle
without a helmet.
Oh, Danny.
Go and check in
with that guy there.
I'll see you for dinner.
We're at Harry caray's table!
All right, I'll be sure
to bring my liver.
That's the other thing
about up here.
You don't need a liver.
Aw, yeah!
See you later!
I'll see you at dinner.
Great!
Enjoy heaven.
Take a welcome bag.
Enjoy heaven.
Take a welcome bag.
Enjoy heaven.
Take a welcome bag.
Excuse me.
Enjoy heaven.
Take a welcome bag.
So how did you go?
I took a b*llet
saving my family.
How about you?
Yeah. Same thing.
Enjoy heaven.
Take a welcome bag.
How you doin'?
Hey.
How's it goin'? Hey, what's with
the, uh, welcome bag?
You think I can get two?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
did I win something?
Am I, like,
the, uh, millionth customer?
Apparently,
you've been red-flagged.
Aw, hell.
Potentially, yes.
Now where am I?
God, is that you?
Yes, god, oh...
God, I gotta talk to you.
Uh, uh, they won't let me
into heaven.
Uh, uh, can you say
a few words for me?
- Do you know a guy?
- Jim, I am the guy.
Well, what's this
all about then?
Oh, I get it. I get it.
I can't go into heaven
until I do jury duty, right?
I need to review
the merits of your life,
and if everything
checks out,
we'd be happy
to have you in heaven.
But, of course,
if it doesn't...
Then all hell
will break loose, baby!
See what I did? I came in
at just the right time.
Whoo-hoo!
Uh, does, uh,
hell have a gift bag?
For you.
Nice color.
Speaking on your behalf,
Jim,
will be the person who
loves you most in the world.
Oh, thank god.
I mean, thank you.
I'm here for ya, Jim!
Wait a minute.
Where's Cheryl?
She loves you,
but not the most.
Andy, are you dead?
No, no, I'm fine.
God just borrowed my soul.
I got decades before I kick it,
right, god?
We really should
get started here.
And, Jim, arguing my case
will be the person
who despises you most.
There's my girl.
And how's that baby
of mine doing?
Oh! Devil, stop,
you're so bad.
Ooh.
How could you be
with someone so evil?
He's not that bad.
I'm talking to him.
You know, Jim,
for years I've been telling you
to go to hell.
This time
it really means something.
Come on, Andy,
do something.
Hey, don't worry, buddy. I got
your defense all planned out.
God, I'd like to call
to the stand your son Jesus.
Jeez,
you can't call Jesus.
I used his name in vain
at the super bowl.
Not a problem.
He forgives everybody.
Plus, I'm hoping
he autographs my Bible.
God, god, uh, uh,
permission to smack my lawyer
in the back of the head.
That's not exactly
the sort of thing
that will get you
into heaven.
It was worth it.
Actually, the lady goes first.
Call your witness.
Kyle, tell us about
the Butler incident. Think back.
Mm-hmm.
Will there be
anything else, sir?
Well, we may be going out later,
so have the car washed.
Very good, sir.
He made his -year-old son
work as his Butler.
Oh, come on, Dana.
You know Kyle and I like
to play Batman.
He likes to be Alfred.
Which is great,
because then I'm Robin.
Oh... please.
You expect us to believe
that a little kid enjoys
pretending to be a Butler?
Ooh, it's : . God,
shall I make you some tea?
Sure. Long island.
Hi, girls.
Hi, aunt Dana.
I brought you something
really nice from California.
Objection!
She didn't bring me
back anything from California.
Sit down.
Let's talk about your dad
and the pizza man.
Uh, that's minutes.
Pizza's free, right?
Well,
I would have been on time,
but your house
doesn't have any numbers.
None of the houses
on your street have numbers.
Damn neighborhood kids.
The trick to delivering pizza is
getting the numbers right--
mm-hmm.
All right, he's gone.
Girls, come here quick.
Help me put these numbers back
before your mother gets here.
Wait. But won't the pizza
get cold?
You're right. Put this pizza
in the oven, Alfred.
Very good, sir.
He stole pizza,
and he made his kids help.
I did not steal that pizza!
I got that
because of the rules.
What rules?
If it's not delivered
in minutes, it's free.
They even call it
the challenge.
You hid
your house numbers.
That's what makes it
a challenge.
Hey.
If loving pizza is a reason
to send someone to hell,
send us both.
Andy,
you're not helping me here.
Hey, Ryan.
Hey, honey.
How's my little bun in the oven?
Oh, he's a little devil.
You're terrible.
Ryan, you and Jim
are friends, right?
We've met.
Tell us about
how he's evil incarnate.
Oh, well,
I wouldn't say he's--
do it!
He tried to ruin my marriage
multiple times.
Odd-numbered anniversaries
just aren't that important.
It is your duty to make
your wife cry every six weeks.
Never ever call your wife
by her first name.
Thanksgiving?
Thanksgiving?!
He even me grow this
stupid goatee, and I hate it.
Nice job...
Crybaby.
Hold on a second.
I can defend each and every one
of those statements.
Okay, what's the problem
with Thanksgiving?
Thanksgiving? You mean the day
that we set aside each year
to give thanks for all the gifts
that you have given?
Nothing. Nothing.
Hey, don't worry about it.
The ole Andy man
has got some moves left.
Your honor...
I'd like to call to the stand
a great man--me.
Can I do that?
Well, it's a hail Mary,
but I can't get enough of those.
So...
Tell us a little bit
about your friend Jim.
Well, he's not just my friend.
He's my best friend.
Wouldn't you say
he's your only friend?
No, no at all.
I have lots of other friends.
Like who? Your mom?
Your dead father?
The robot you built
to play chess with you?
Shut up.
Just shut up.
Andrew, who are you talking to?
Not now, mom!
I'm testifying!
Do not talk
to your mother like that!
King
to rook four. Check and mate.
"S" of a "b"!
I can't take it!
Objection!
To what?
To him as my lawyer.
God, I would like
to represent myself.
Well, a man who acts as his own
lawyer has a fool for a client.
Yeah, well, whoever said that
didn't have him as a lawyer.
I would like to call
my wife, Cheryl, to the stand.
Hi, baby.
Órale, dude.
That's your wife?
I know what you're thinking.
I married the hot sister.
Cheryl, tell everybody
what a great guy I am.
I have the perfect story.
I bet you have
thousands of stories.
I've got the perfect story.
Last year our church
needed a new roof,
and Jim offered
to put one on at cost.
He did a great job,
and our house of worship--
your house--
was warm and dry again.
That's right.
I fix churches.
That's the kind of guy
I am.
I'm a church fixer.
- I can't have a church fixer in hell.
- Cool it, Sally.
You say
that he did a good job.
Is the roof still there?
Well, sadly,
a few weeks later,
the roof was ripped off
by a windstorm.
Oh, really?
Was it named
hurricane... Jim?
Pay your bills, reverend!
Everybody knows "at cost"
means materials plus labor.
You see that, reverend?
Even god's mad at ya!
You repossessed
the roof of our church?
Well, you know, Jim giveth
and Jim taketh away.
You are unbelievable.
I don't blame them for not
wanting to let you into heaven.
God, uh, can I have a sidebar
with my witness?
I'd say
that's probably a good idea.
Cheryl, come here.
You're supposed
to tell a story
that emphasizes
the good part of me.
I thought
that's what I was doing.
Look, you gotta fudge a few
details, dig a little deeper.
Squeeze out some tears.
And remember,
god is a guy,
so pop a couple buttons.
Can we get a move on here?
I got a tee time I wanna make.
I'm playing with Bob hope.
That guy is wild.
So, Cheryl, is there another
story you'd like to tell?
Whew! I don't know about you.
Is it me? Is it getting
a little hot in here?
Yes, I-I guess
it is a little warm.
Please continue, Cheryl.
Okay, um, so the other day,
Jim was, uh, vacuuming.
And exactly
why was I vacuuming?
Uh, you were vacuuming
because
we were having guests over--
orphans.
Hi. Come on in.
Come on in.
Well, well, well.
What can I get you kids?
Something to drink?
A snack maybe?
Or maybe some... parents?
Later, during
the ventriloquist show--
ventriloquist show?
One of the parents needed
an emergency tracheotomy.
Luckily,
Jim was carrying a pen.
I'm starting to think you asked
your wife to lie to me.
Well, in my defense, I thought
she'd do a better job.
What do you want me
to tell them?
How you like to moon
the neighbors?
Who, old lady Nelson?
Oh, come on.
She gets a thrill out of it.
I kept her alive
for the last ten years.
I think we heard enough.
The guy's a bum.
God, give him to me.
Let me have him.
I'm sorry, Jim, but I think
it's time for you to go.
W-w-w-wait, god. God,
can--can I ask Jim one question?
Fine. But you're explaining this
to Bob hope.
Jim, think back.
Do you remember what we fought
about last Saturday night?
Why should I stop mooning
old lady Nelson?
She doesn't like it.
She still looks.
Look, Cheryl,
you know who you married.
Stop trying to change me.
And the fight we had
the week before that?
Cheryl, Cheryl,
it is not tax evasion
when I use
the false identity.
Come on, baby.
You know who you married.
Stop trying to change me.
And last fall?
Thanksgiving?
Thanksgiving?!
Cheryl,
you know who you married.
Stop trying to change me.
It's what you've said
in every fight we've ever had.
And you know what, god?
He's right.
That's why I accept him
for who he is.
Well, then you're better
than me, Cheryl.
I just can't let him in.
Come on. Let's go.
No, no, no, no, no.
You get your hand off him,
mister. Off. Off.
Ay, mamita.
I did pick the wrong sister.
Cheryl. Cheryl, that--
that's okay. Y-you tried.
And if I gotta go to hell,
at least I got to hear you say
I was right one last time.
Oh.
You know what? If he's going
to hell, I'm going with him.
What?
Oh, yeah, when I get down
to earth, I'm gonna Rob a bank,
kick a puppy
and moon old lady Nelson.
Y-you really do love me,
don't you?
But not as much as me.
I'm going to hell, too.
Let's all go to hell.
Yeah.
Does hell have
a welcome bag?
Seriously?
You'd all go to hell for Jim?
I guess we'll be
the happiest family in hell.
Objection!
He can't have a happy family
in hell.
Yeah, that'll ruin everything.
Well, I can't have him
up here with me.
Well, I guess I got no choice
but to send you back to earth.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Oh, Cheryl, thank you.
Oh, honey.
You know there's no way you were
getting into heaven without me.
That's the reason
I married you.
Aw.
Oh, Jim!
Oh, Andy. Andy.
I'm just so happy!
Andy. Andy. Andy.
I'm so glad I flew
across the country for that.
Um, honey,
are--are you all right?
Yeah. Yeah.
I thought for a second there
I was a goner.
Yeah, it's a good thing
Andy was here
to jump in front of the doctor
and give you the heimlich.
You don't understand.
I was in heaven,
and--and god was deciding
whether I should go
to heaven or hell.
Wish I'd been there. I could
have told him some stories.
You we there.
Everybody was there.
It w--it was like a trial.
And in the end,
god decided to give me
a second chance.
So now you're gonna live
your life differently?
And be nicer to everyone?
Mm.
And always tell the truth?
And set a good example
with acts of kindness?
And treat us with dignity
and respect?
And learn to treat life
like the gift that it is...
Because you never know
when it might be your last?
Oh, wow. We're all going.
Um...
Drink plenty of fluids?
No. I'm gonna stay
just the way I am.
What?
Well, god don't want me.
The devil won't have me.
The way I figure it,
if I never change,
I'll live forever.
No!
Oh.
Oh.