All's Faire in Love (2009)

[bunniefuu]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, it's magic ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ Never believe it's not so ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ Never believe it's not so ♪

♪ Never been awake ♪

♪ Never seen a day break ♪

♪ Leaning on my pillow in the morning ♪

♪ Lazy day in bed ♪

♪ Music in my head ♪

♪ Crazy music playing
in the morning light ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, it's magic ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ Never believe it's not so ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ Never believe it's not so ♪

♪ I love my sunny day ♪

♪ Dream of far away ♪

♪ Dreaming on my pillow in the morning ♪

♪ Never been awake ♪

♪ Never seen a day break ♪

♪ Leaning on my pillow
in the morning light ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, it's magic ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ Never believe it's not so ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ Never believe it's not so ♪

Kate Miller?

That's the fourth quarter right there.

So tell me, Kate.

Why do you want to work here?

Well, I thought I could
make a difference and-

- That's great, and so did I.

You can't make a difference
in the world without money.

You want to feed the kids in Africa?

You're gonna need money.

You want to clean the water in Thailand?

You're gonna need money.

You want to save the South
American three-toed tree frog?

What are you gonna need?

Money?

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

That's right, money.

And that's what we do.

Without money, there is no business.

There is no adventure, there
is no making a difference.

There's no saving the tree frogs.

Tree frogs are dead, money.

Ding, ding, ding, ding!

You can't make a difference
in the world without money.

Money, money.

Shipyards, power plants, steel
factories, medical imaging.

Money, money, we're gonna make money.

We are prepared to offer
you a position at this firm.

I'm gonna have to say no.

- No? Did she just say no?
- I really appreciate it

but I just, I can't.

I can't breathe in this coat and-

- I mean, you're exactly
what we're looking for.

I know, I know, and
there are 1000 applicants

who would shave their right arm off

for this position, I'm sure.

But it's not me.

It's my parents.

They want me to be successful
and self-sufficient.

See, I'm an actress.

And I like drama and comedy.

And show tunes.

And these clothes, I cannot breathe in.

And if I can't breathe,
then I can't live, can I?

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Mendelson.

Oh, and good luck with the money.

Well.

That was different.

- You need this more than me.
- Penny.

Could you send up someone
who actually wants the job?

Jo, I'm coming to the fair.

Blue 19.

Hut, hut!

♪ Huddle up, huddle up ♪

♪ Huddle up, huddle up ♪

♪ Hey, hey, what do you say ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

All right, bring it in, guys.

Hey Will, you want to go grab

a burger with us after practice?

Oh man, I can't.

I gotta go get Professor Shockworthy

to sign off on all my absences.

Yo, you better have him
sign off on that, Will,

because if you don't, you're
not starting next year.

If you don't start, no NFL.

All right guys, ready?

♪ Huddle up, huddle up ♪

♪ Go team, go team, go team, go ♪

Who am I supposed to hike to?

Literature is the lifeblood of learning.

So I close this course on the Renaissance

with words from the Bard.

Be not afraid of greatness.

Some are born great.

Some will achieve greatness.

And others will have
greatness thrust upon them.

So I say unto you, go forth and flourish.

Class dismissed.

Plenty of me to go around, ladies.

Just take a piece and move it on, huh?

Oh, I see, ladies.

Oh, it's the volleyball team.

Bring it inside.

Bump, set, spike, guys.

Bump it, set it, I'll spike it myself.

Oh, you guys are terrible.

- Call me, Will.
- Professor Shockworthy,

- how you doing?
- Ah.

Mr. William Pepperidge,
the great quarterback.

What brings you by my humble classroom?

Surely not a desire for knowledge.

Nah man, I got all the
knowledge I need right here.

I just need you to sign off on my absences

so I can start next season.

Do you recall how many
classes you actually attended?

Zero?

Touchdown, exactly.

I didn't even know you were in my class.

Listen, all my other
teachers already signed.

I am not other teachers.

You're not gonna make me
go to summer school, are you?

I mean, that's...

Well sadly, I won't be
teaching summer school this year.

But I will be attending the Ye Olde Times

Renaissance Pleasure Fair.

You mean one of those places

where the dorks sword
fight and wear the tights?

Oh man.

Yes, tights.

- Tights, so stupid.
- Yeah.

Similar to the ones you're wearing now.

That's a good one,
Professor Shockworthy.

I thought so.

Are you really going
to a Renaissance fair?

Yes.

And so are you.

There's no way I'm going to one of those

dork-a-thons with you.

My friend is the proprietor
of said dork-a-thon.

And I'm sure she'll be more than happy

to give you a job at the fair

once I appraise her of your predicament.

I see what you're doing
here, Professor Shockworthy.

I'm gonna go to the fair

and I'm gonna get a turkey leg

and I'm gonna walk around and
I'm gonna grow as a person.

And then I'm gonna understand everything

that you wanted to teach
me and it's gonna be great.

So why don't we just skip all that

and just go ahead and just sign away?

That would be nice.

That's not why I'm doing this.

I'm asking you to do this
because I like to harass

spoiled, dumb little athletes

who get everything handed to them!

So what are we talking
about here, a day?

Three weeks.

And I'll be there
watching your every step.

Come on, man, please
don't do this to me.

Oh no, I didn't do this to you, William.

You did this to yourself.

Now you work at the fair and
you play football next season.

Take it or leave it.

I guess I'll take it.

Oh fret not, Mr. Pepperidge.

The fair is a magical place.

You'll love it.

Where else can a
dishwasher become a royal?

Or a librarian become a witch?

People from all walks of
life come to experience

the values of the Renaissance.

Huzzah!

Take that!

Well, we're gonna have to get you

out of those clothes.

- Jo!
- Hi, hi!

So glad you made it.

- How you doing?
- Good, good.

Hi, Benny.

You look beautiful, I love that dress.

Thank you.

Wait 'til you see the
one I've got for you.

- Yay.
- Come on.

I've got to get you ready for the play.

I'm so happy you're here.

Me too.

So I guess the guys here are pretty hot.

- Oh my God.
- Hey, I'm Horny!

That's great, man.

No, that's my name, you big dummy.

Horny, don't be rude.

I'm Jester Roy.

And of course, you met Horny.

And welcome!

To the
Renaissance Pleasure Fair.

Dude, you can take it
down a notch if you want.

Cool.

I'm gonna be working here

and they told me I have to find a queen.

Ooh, the queen.

Her Royal Highness, Her Majesty.

I shall take you to her.

In fact, I shall ride
you like a royal steed.

Tally-h*!

Are you serious right now?

He's serious, dude, go.

Oh my God.

Oh there it is, the queen's castle.

Looks like a dump to me.

Ahoy there, matey.

Giddy up, nave!

Hi everybody, look at my new horsey.

He's fuel efficient, very green,

and allows us to be less
dependent on foreign oil.

He's like a Prius with hair gel.

That's awesome.

Halt, who goes there?

I go here.

And I go bye-bye.

Hi, my name's Will Pepperidge.

I was sent here-
This is the young man

- I told you about.
- By Professor Shockworthy

to meet a queen.

Ah, yes.

The bad student.

We've been expecting thee.

Sweet.

You may approach.

Thank you.

Hi, I'm so glad that you're
a queen and everything

and it's really nice to meet you.

You will address me as Your Majesty.

Seriously?

Yes, Your Majesty.

Now kneel, nave.

Listen ma'am, I just met you.

I don't typically kneel.

Kneel before the queen!

Now I'm definitely gonna do it

'cause that guy yelled at me.

Step forward.

Okay.

Now listen to me.

Professor Shockworthy told me

that you might be a little
unwilling to play along.

So I'm telling you now, kid.

Either you believe in the fair

and all the hierarchy within it,

or you'll be fired and fail your class.

Got it?

Yeah I got it, thank you.

Well, what a humble peasant.

Indeed.

Now, those who work here
are divided into two camps.

The upper class, who enjoy
the privileges of nobility,

and the lower class, who perform
the less desirable tasks.

I've assigned you to the lower class,

where you will work as a fetch boy.

Sounds like a lot of fun.

And at the end of the fair,

we hold the grand finale in which

all of the members of the shire perform.

And I expect you to participate as well.

I'll be there, Your Majesty.

Ah, Your Majesty!

Your beauty shines like
that of the summer sun.

Oh, such a beauteous visage.

'Tis the stuff of poetry.

Sonnets, literature, such as,

oh, for a muse of fire-

- Yes, yes, yes, Prince Rank.

Your excessive compliments
will have to wait.

I'm having an audience
with the new fetch boy.

So glad you're here, fetch boy.

I've run out of toilet paper.

Now I'll use you to
wipe my buttocks for me.

Why don't I just kick those buttocks,

how does that sound?

Why don't I kick that boyish face?

Enough!

Guards, take this new
fetch boy to his quarters.

Get him properly attired

and confiscate those street clothes.

You're gonna make me wear
one of these coffee filters?

Be gone with you.

I'll fix thee.

In your dreams, weird guy.

Ramon, I tell you.

It's people like that that
make me twirl my mustache.

Si.

We've reached the camp.

Whose underwear is all that?

Princess Jeanette.

- Hi Jo, hey.
- Hi, ladies.

- This is my cousin, Kate.
- Hi, Kate.

Home sweet home.

Oh wow.

Wow, it's so pretty.

I know, right?

Is that my bed?

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah?

I brought in some things of my own.

Oh my God.

Tell me that's my dress.

I love it.

I knew you'd love it.

I do, I love it.

It's so pretty.

Oh.

Oh God.

You know what this reminds me of?

What?

When we used to play dress-up

when we were kids in England.

Oh my goodness, yeah.

Don't you miss it there?

What, miserable
weather and rubbish food?

No.

And don't even get me started on the men.

Well, what happened to
that guy you were seeing?

Oh, is that the time?

- Jo?
- Are you hungry?

You must be starving.

There's this really good turkey leg stand

- I want to take you to.
- Oh my God.

What?

He's here.

- Forget it.
- He's here, isn't he?

Forget about it, I have.

And what about you?

Are you still seeing that guy

that used to play Xbox all the time?

No.

He played Xbox all day
and for some reason,

I thought he was living some
kind of ironic lifestyle.

That he was smart and sarcastic and dry.

But he was actually just a stupid person.

Great.

I just want to meet
somebody who is exactly

who they seem to be.

No assumptions, just they
tell you who they are

and you can believe it.

Come on, nave.

- Easy.
- Let's go.

- Easy, buddy.
- Move it, fetch boy.

What the hell is this place?

- Up the stairs.
- Shouldn't you kids

be playing Dungeons and Dragons?

Go!

You know you're dressed
like a clown, right?

Like a small clown?

Get back to the castle.

- The queen beckons.
- What's up, man?

Oh, look who it is, everybody.

This is the new fetch boy
I was telling you about.

Fetch boy, everybody.
Everybody, fetch boy.

Hey, guys.

I'm not a big fan of fetch boy.

Fetchling? Fetchenburg.

No.

Fetchenstein.

Will.

Not really close to any of those.

- Will Fetcherson?
- Is he always crazy?

Yeah, every single day he's.

- Hey, Will.
- Hey.

- I'm Rusty Crockett.
- Nice to meet you, man.

You're the fetch boy.

I'm kind of in charge
of you for the summer.

Allow me to officially welcome you

to the peasant world of the green briars,

also known as the lower class.

That sounds great.

Rusty Crockett?

Ow!

Natalia, is that you?

Oh hi, I never could've guessed.

Long time no see, how was your year off?

Ow, that's my hair!

Why are you cutting my hair?

This is for your cheating heart.

I don't have a cheating heart.

I have a very nice heart, ask these guys.

I'm a nice-hearted guy, aren't I?

You told us we were special.

You are, you're special.

You're all very special.

You will pay for this, Crockett.

What?

You have abused your
gifts, Rusty Crockett.

- Gifts?
- Gifts that have brought you

much pleasure and fame.

So in accordance with the
laws of the cosmic womb,

I invoke the power of Lilith to curse you.

The very next time you use your manhood,

it will separate from you
and fall to the ground

like a lonely twig.

Separate from me?

Like a twig, what does that mean?

I believe it means
the junk in your trunk

shall be defunct.

Can't we negotiate something here?

I mean, other than burning my hair?

It's too late.

Fire, fire!

More fire, more fire!

God.

It is done.

Long live the curse!

Was that a real curse?

No, no, no, no, not a curse.

What was that thing?

- That was hot.
- What the hell was that?

Who are they?

The witches.

They're the witches,
they're bonafide witches.

They live out in the forest.

They're not bonafide.

She's just like one of those
goth chicks at the mall.

She did the thing and
the thing and the Lilith

and then the thing is gonna fall.

Your wang is gonna be fine, man.

Says you!

Ooh, ooh, you know what we need to do?

We need to get the witch's
book and break the curse.

I've gotta get that book back.

If I get that book back,
there's gotta be some kind of

uncurse thing in the book, right?

We gotta go, come on.

We gotta get the book, you're with me.

There's nothing wrong
with your ding dong, bro.

I'm not taking a chance
'cause there is a possibility.

No, they're not bonafide.

- It looks amazing.
- I love it.

There's your boyfriend.

Yeah, thanks.

I know, I'm sorry.

That's definitely your boyfriend.

That's Carl, he's a creep.

From the beginning of time,

witches have had these kinds of powers.

Right.

Hi.

Hey, Jo.

Crockett.

This is my cousin, Kate.

- Hi.
- It's her first fair.

I'm sorry, I'm Crockett.

- I'm Kate.
- Hi, Kate.

- I'm Will.
- Hi, Kate.

This is the new fetch boy.

Oh, I'm the new fetch girl.

We both fetch.

I like your tights.

It's not my tights.

You're wearing another man's tights?

No, they're not anyone's tights.

Okay.

Is that a dog?

Hey, buddy.

- It's Benny.
- Hey, Benny.

He fetches too.

So we were just on our way.

We've got, I just got cursed.

These witches cursed my-

- Weenus.
- My weenus.

My weenus is in danger of falling off.

So we have to go.

- We do.
- Fix the thing.

Yeah?

Cool, bye.

They're not my tights.

God, I hope his weenus is okay.

Natalia, do you know
where my crystal ball is?

Mm-mm.

I think I left it in the van, come on.

The book.

Here it is, a curse of the fallen loins.

Rub the freshly spilled urine of a goat

on your loins at midnight.

- It's right there.
- Natalia, wait.

- Go, go.
- I forgot my keys,

I'll be right there.

Come on, here they come.

You hold that side, it's-

- Are you familiar
with the term make believe?

Dude, we're talking
about my little man here.

It's always been there for me.

I'm not gonna turn my back on it now.

Oh, peasants.

Time for your chores.

Hey Rank, how's it going, pal?

Crockett, so sorry to hear about

your potentially fallen phallus.

The whole fair is abuzz
with talk of your ding dong.

I thought it only fitting for
you to sell pickles today.

Oh, that's good.

You get it?

Pickles.

'Cause I'm having a curse
thing going on, right?

That's a good one, Rank.

You're so funny.

You get it, go on now.

Off you go, sell some pickles.

Yes, my liege, of course.

Anon, good luck.

Have fun, man.

And now, prepare for loneliness.

Who put you in charge, weird guy?

- Weird guy?
- Weird guy.

Weird guy?

I mean, you're obviously
a very weird guy.

You will address me
as sir or sire or lord!

Okay, Lord Weird Guy.

Listen to me, I'm a noble
and you are a peasant.

And a lowly one at that.

Now, before you do your chores,

allow me to introduce to you

my royal legion of allegiance.

He maybe short in stature,

but he's grandiose in ferocity.

Count Le Petite.

Je m'appelle Count Le Petite.

I will cut you where it hurts.

Whoa, easy, buddy.

Wonderful, CLP.

Wonderful.

Like a pearl from the orient.

Like fine china from China.

The fierce warrior, General Tso.

And last but certainly not least,

my most trusted ally,

the Rosecrantz to my Guildenstern,

the Proteus to my Valentine.

The menace from Mexico.

Jamón del diablo.

Well done, guys.

Those are great intros.

Now, I totally respect you,

respect all of you.

Mock us all you like, but
your future is in my hands.

Okay, man, so what do you want me to do?

I thought you'd come around.

Petite, Tso,

keep an eye of the peasants.

Go on, now.

It's really good to meet you guys.

Maybe we can all go
trick or treating later.

It begins.

What?

You want me to go that way?

Yes.

Sir, stupid dance.

Did you just say something?

I'm listening.

Hey, can you guys hold up for a second?

Thanks, just gotta grab the arrows.

Fire!

Fire at Will!

♪ Our side, the side ♪

♪ They don't really win it ♪

♪ As the ground with
the king around town ♪

♪ Dancing, glancing ♪

♪ Well they try to say they will ♪

♪ The stars shimmy shimmy ♪

Freak!

Sir, pickle?

Don't be intimidated.

You guys, do you want a pickle-

- I'm gonna punch you in your pickle.

Hello, ma'am.

You want to throw an axe?

Hey, buddy.

You want fries?

You just gotta hit one of these balloon.

Here you go, brother.

Step right up.

We're about to do another round.

Easy.

Easy, buddy.

Over here, over there.

♪ Tellin' everybody ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Little willy willy won't go home ♪

Pop, goes the weasel.

Sure, you'd like to stick
around like the economy.

Horny, please.

♪ Willy tries to ♪

Push!

Push!

You can do it, put your back into it.

- Oh.
- Is this all you've got?

You're pathetic.

I don't understand adults.

What is wrong with them?

I don't get adults either.

I wish they were more like kids.

Yeah!

Harder, push this way.

Yes, I love it!

I'm having a wonderful time.

Now, stop it, I'm sick.

No!

You never told me that being a peasant

could be so much fun.

I know, right?

Very well, my lords and ladies.

God speed you on your merry way.

- Bat.
- You're an ape.

- The London Bridge!
- You're a monkey.

Hey, excuse me.

Sweet hellos, ladies.

Eiffel Tower!

Really angry?

Beer keg

Which way?

Yes!

That, my friend, is charades.

Get used to it, we play it all summer.

So, how was your first day at the fair?

It was terrible.

Why is Rank a prince?

He's part of the Stratford camp.

And last year Stratford
beat us in the Grand Finale

and so now they're nobles all summer.

Yes, we've lost five years in a row.

But if we get our act together,

maybe we can win something this year.

It's tradition for fetch boy

and fetch girl to do something together.

Oh yeah.

All we can do is fetch
pretty much, right?

Let's try something.

Come on!

Oh, yeah.

Come on, fetchy.

I like to watch and sit.

Come on.

Get up here stat.

Let's see what you're made of.

I mean, we've seen what you're made of.

We could get you

- some loser tights.
- Shut up, Horny.

She is-

- Riding a motorcycle.

No, it's a horse.

That's a horse.

Oh, she has hit her head
on a low lying branch.

Are you okay?

Elizabethan English only, sir.

Are you'th okay'th?

Dude, that suck'th.

Oh, kind sir.

I am so grateful for
you coming to my rescue.

My pleasure'th.

You have been hit with
a non-talking spell.

Kapow.

I've waited for this moment all my life.

Now you can finally tell me all those deep

dark secrets you've been holding inside.

Yes.

I hit you with a spell.

No talking!

Just die.

Just fake death.

Always a good call.

Oh, he's pulled the dagger.

Oh.

Dead.

And he's out.

Poison I see.

Hath been, his time has end.

Oh child, drunk all and left no

friendly drop to help me after.

I will kiss thy lips.

She's pretty good, you know?

I know, right?

Yes, she's brilliant.

Will is not bad either.

Thy lips are warm.

Ye know'th?

Thy I will be brief.

Oh happy dagger, this is thy sheath.

Thy rust and let me die.

Poof.

Will, you are alive again.

A kiss will revive her.

You want me to actually kiss her?

Kiss her.

Like in real life?

Just do it!

Put a little tongue into it.

Shut up.

Is it okay if I kiss you?

Yeah, it's okay.

And then we take a bow.

Bravo.

Bravo, Kate.

Your grasp of the
audience is breathtaking.

Stolen my breath.

This boy, awful.

Excellent job, both of you.

Bravo.

But now I think it's
time the fetch boy and I

do a little scene of our own at my room.

Jeanette, just stop it.

Stop what, Jo?

It's the fetch boy's job to please me.

And I think it's right about that time.

So, I'll see you in my room in 10 minutes.

Get off me, I'm fine.

Have that step removed.

Kate, Kate, Ka-ta-ri.

Your performance was brilliant.

Your inflection, eloquent.

Not perfect, but some fews are.

Sure is promising.

Perhaps I could arrange
for a private tutorial.

Just a little one on one.

Easy buddy, don't touch her.

No.

That's right, fetch boy.

You have anything to say to me,

go ahead and say it to Jamóns fist.

You're a very creepy guy.

Okay, all right.

That's enough.

He was a total c*ck block.

You rubbed her cheek with your hand.

That's a total invasion
of her personal space.

I'll invade your personal space.

Put those nunchucks away.

You're all right.

No, you may not talk to a member

of the noble class in that tone.

- Oh.
- No, stop it.

- Stop it.
- No.

No, I did not say that.

Oh, I don't.

Stop it.

Oh, look at that it's midnight.

- Midnight.
- Good night.

You really sound just like that.

Don't let that fetch boy just fetch

himself up or he will be in trouble.

Team.

Away.

A kiss will revive her?

I didn't see you complaining.

What?

I didn't want to embarrass him.

You loved it.

- I did not.
- Yes, you did.

So what did Jeanette mean

when she said that I had to please her?

That was just like drunk talk, right?

It was drunk talk,

but you do have to please her.

Traditionally, in Renaissance times,

any virgin, anywhere at

anytime had to bed the
king if he so desired.

If not the king, then the queen.

But see, as our faire doesn't have

a king and the queen is off-limits.

You are Jeanette's play-thing.

Play-thing?

I've never considered myself a play-thing.

Okay, let's get

some goat pee to break the curse.

All right, what do you think?

We got to pick one, right?

That's a goat, a goat.

That's a sheep.

It is disqualified
if it's a sheep.

It's that one.

We got 10 minutes.

Let's do it.

You stay there

while I corral this guy towards you.

He's coming, he's coming, he's coming.

- He's got horns, man.
- Okay, pick him up.

How am I supposed to pick him up?

Pick him up and hold him.

We're going to get a nice stream of

pee coming out of his wiener right there.

I think, right now, the best

thing to do is maybe tickle him

or hug him really strong.

Come on, buddy.

Whatever you do, don't pee on my face.

Try to pee down on this area.

Oh, gross.

Not in my face.

Yes.

Pee on him.

That's enough.

Stop peeing.

Oh, my God.

It smells terrible.

It worked.

Good job.

The Renaissance Pleasure
Faire is now officially open.

Open the gates.

The Pleasure Faire!

Oh, so close.

That was really close.

What?

Don't do anything.

I'm not.

I'm just encouraging the kids.

Let the kids have their fun.

It's for kids.

All right, see if you can hit that.

Oh, they're close though.

I'd never do that.

Why would I do that to you?

I would never-

- Oh boy.

Whoa.

One, two, three.

Master, do you believe in love?

Yes.

You do!

My lady, he believes in love.

There is no such thing as true love.

True love comes and goes with the wind.

If you can't make it in love

what chance do I have?

Life without love is
like a tree without fruit.

Thank you.

Enjoy your time at the faire.

- Next.
- Hey, man.

That's a sweet hat.

- Hey.
- Hi.

What's this all about?

Kiss the Wench?

No way.

I don't like it that they
call you a wench though.

It's good plank work, man.

You're doing a great job.

You're really good out there.

Would you stop bothering my customers?

- I'm encouraging them.
- You're warm.

- Thank you.
- Good work, buddy.

- Enjoy the faire.
- First base.

Next.

So, what do you say after

this whole thing we grab a beer?

Thanks, but no.

Because I thought that

last night we really connected.

No.

It was a bit of a moment.

Remember?

When-
Oh, in the scene.

You kissed me.

Yeah, but I was acting.

I thought you were acting
like you were pretty into me.

Sir Rank enters, finally.

Oh, walk the plank and kiss the wench.

Sounds like a lark.

Command.

Assistance.

- He's acting.
- Gracias, hombre.

Like a swan.

Oh, my God.

I hope he falls.

As expected, I crossed with ease.

Now, my prize.

Mmm.

I'm ready.

Lovely.

One more.

Bravo.

What's that?

Encore, encore.

Shall I, dear?

I am a noble.

You shall put me down at once.

Put him down immediately.

Your Majesty!

Your second day and you've
already made a mockery

of this fair.

But he started it.

To the stocks with you.

Stocks?

He should be beheaded.

Okay, come on.

This is the man I was telling you about.

Oh, hey, Kate.

Very bad, mean ogre.

What's with the basket and the fruit?

Are we having a picnic today, kids?

One.

- Two.
- Hey come on.

That's not cool.

That's not nice.

I love them.

Come on, man.

They're vegetables, kids.

Could you not throw them at me?

Oh, no.

The kid in the vest has an arm.

He's not a kid, he's at least 13.

That's great.

Thanks, guys.

Go find your parents.

Tell them you all need counseling.

You enjoyed yourself?

That was fun for you?

Yeah, it was kind of fun.

How about you unlock me now?

How does that sound?

Why should I?

Because the only reason
I'm in here is that

I defended your honor in front of Rank.

You did and I do appreciate it.

He really is a jerk.

He is.

You know who's not a jerk?

This guy.

So, why don't you unlock

this lock so that I can get out of here?

Mmmm.

You are in a rather compromising position.

Why, you want to spank me?

Don't tempt me.

Your butt is looking
pretty good right now.

I didn't want to be the one who said it.

Okay.

Oh.

How did that feel, bad boy?

That was really good.

Have you been naughtier than that?

Not a lot naughtier but

I've been pretty naughty.

Want a lot more of that,

wherever that came from.

Oh, wow, Kate.

How about that one, big guy?

Not bad, you really got into that one.

Oh, hey, oh my God.

No hands.

No hands?

What is going on?

What are you doing?

Good day, master.

Was it good for you?

Dude, I'm gonna kick your a*s.

Don't forget to call me.

I'm going to kick your a*s.

Dude, I'm going to k*ll you.

♪ Everything, I give it all away ♪

♪ Anything I would give for you ♪

Oh, that place looks really safe.

♪ 'Cause I was meant to love ♪

♪ Yeah, I was meant to love you ♪

Yeah, my parents wanted me

to study business administration.

They want me to work on Wall Street.

They think the faire is
just a waste of time.

It is a little silly.

What do you mean?

It's beautiful.

You're such a loser.

Watch out.

That's my throwing arm.

Oh.

Did you always want to
be a football player?

Yeah.

You know, my dad wanted me

to be a classical pianist
like him, but not for me.

Can you play the piano?

My dad made me play every day.

I was playing Bach when I was five.

I always wanted to play catch

with my friends on the street.

So what did you do?

You just stood up to him?

Pretty much, yeah.

- On the port side.
- Si.

No, you're overshooting.

I'm okay.

Of course I'm all right.

Great, it's Captain Morgan.

So sorry to interrupt your sunny soirée.

But the fetch boy is needed
to pick up road apples.

There's no way I'm
leaving her alone with you

and your mustache.

Well then, I'll just have you fired.

How about that?

I can handle his mustache.

Fare thee well, fetch boy.

Tata.

Fare thee not well.

Fare thee not well.

Yes, "Fare thee not well".

Good one.

Darling, Kate.

Please sit.

Join me for a spot of picnic.

Yes.

Gracias, Jamón.

My dear.

Over the years I've had the fortune

to work with many talented actresses.

Last night when I saw your performance

for Juliet's death scene,
despite the fact that you were

opposite of giant oaf, I was mesmerized.

This is why I'm here today.

I would like you to play
Juliet opposite to my Romeo

at this year's grand finale.

I'm flattered.

But I'm on the peasants
team, so how would that work?

Surely, we can make an
exception for such an actress.

Such beauty, grace, panache.

I have always wanted to play Juliet.

Haven't we all?

I perform with the peasant's team,

so I'm going to have to say no.

All right, then.

Lovely chatting with you.

I thought we made a real connection today.

My hat!

Pick up my hat and place it on my head.

Oh God, that felt great.

Whoo!

Road apples.

Yeah, I've learned my lesson, professor.

Don't go to class or shovel
poo all day, you are a genius.

You are a genius, Shockworthy.

So, isn't the faire
everything you dreamed of?

I do love it and it is
everything I imagined.

Except for Rank.

I know, right?

He asked me to play
Juliet in the grand finale.

But Jeanette always plays Juliet.

And anyway, you're on our team.

You'll be helping them win.

I don't see that happening.

As long as Will is around, anyway.

You are so horny for him.

I'm not.

I saw the way you looked
at him when he kissed you.

That was acting.

Well, then you're a really good actor.

Yeah, I am.

You're amazing.

You're gonna win the Oscar.

Get away from her.

Hey, hold fire, dragon.

Hey!

Unhand thy lady.

Shoo, dragon.

Me thinks you have been at
the tavern too long today.

Let go of her.

Hey!

Get off, dude.

Let go of her, man.

Stupid dragon.

That happens, man.

Mistress, I have slayed thy foul dragon.

Thank you, kind sir.

No worries.

Huzzah!

Huzzah!

Get him!

Get him!

Ye old Miller time.

So, Will, did you satisfy tradition

and please Jeanette?

Not a big fan of your
creepy little tradition.

Better honor it or
you're going to get fired.

Why don't you just do it, man?

Why don't you do it for me?

It's your job.

I mean you are the fetch boy.

Do you think she'd really have me fired?

I'd rather set you on
fire if it were up to me.

Hey.

I was just wondering, where is Rank?

Well, off you go to Jeanette's trailer.

All right.

I'll go in that trailer.

But I feel really degraded.

So, Rank, how's the beer?

Thank you for the libation, Horny.

What?

- No tip?
- Here's a tip.

Ditch the doofus.

You are alike.

Kind of attached.

Kind of attached.

Love it.

Who is it?

It's Will.

I'm here to please you.

Come hither.

Hither.

I thought you'd never show up.

Listen, I don't know about
this whole tradition thing.

Not a big fan.

Okay.

What is going down?

Whoa.

You know what to do with this.

You want me to polish your nails?

Don't worry.

I don't bite.

Want me to
start with the big toe?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Say I'm a pretty princess.

You're a pretty princess.

Oh yeah.

This one went to market.

This one.

- That one had roast beef.
- Oh yeah, he did.

This one went all the way home.

He did.

He went all the way home.

All the way home.

I know there's something going on

with you and Crockett.

Crockett.

How long have you guys known each other?

Well, it was our first faire.

We performed in the grand
finale together and won.

It was amazing.

We got to be nobles the following year.

- But it didn't work out.
- Why not?

Well, let's just say it was

undone by certain tradition.

Jeanette?

- Yeah.
- Ugh.

She's a cow.

Must have every man she sets her eyes on-

Crockett just wasn't
strong enough to say no.

Oh yeah, oh yeah!

Oh yeah!

Okay.

Jesus.

Horny, what are you doing?

- Smoking a cigarette.
- No, no.

All the doctors say that
smoking is bad for you, Horny.

We must extinguish this immediately.

Oh.

See, it says right here.

The curse of the fallen loins.

There's actually a picture.

I know.

It's disgusting, right?

Look what it says.

Goat urine does work but it could

take up to six to eight
week to take effect.

"Could" is not a good word.

"Could" is a bummer.

Oh, I got it.

I got the perfect solution.

I'll be right back.

So maybe, does that mean I am no longer-

- Here, put this on.

What is it, Horny?

It's a chastity belt from the chicks.

I don't think that
will work at all, Horny.

Six to eight weeks will
fly by with this thing.

Yeah, especially when you
have metal on your wiener.

Good job, Horny.

Give me a hug, buddy.

They're not real witches.

Are you a real witch?

Yes.

So, make my sister disappear.

Magic powers of the air with
the spell make her disappear.

Mom!

Can I come out now?

All right, come on out.

Thanks.

Good girl.

Hear ye, hear ye.

The joust tournament is about to begin.

Two tickets to the
joust, right here, come on.

Two tickets to the joust.

You want two tickets to the joust?

Hey you, you!

Come here.

- Who me?
- Or me?

Both of you.

Come here.

Two tickets to the joust.

I'll give you 100.

Sold.

Let's go.

Yay!

I win.

100.

As agreed upon.

Come on, come on.

What the hell is this?

That is 100 magic beans-

- As agreed upon.

Welcome oh gentles to
the tournament of knights.

Turkey legs.

Turkey legs.

They're kind of warm.

They're not super bad.

Want that?

That's a smart move right there.

Smart lady.

Yeah.

Turkey legs.

Oh!

Turkey legs, I love turkey legs.

Oh, Crockett.

What's up, man?

What's going on?

Can I sit down?

Yeah, it's the joust.

Good start.

Rest your turkey legs.

Knights, to your rings.

Knights at the ready!

Charge!

Ah!

He's cut his head clean off.

I am, how you say, okay.

Ah!

No man can best me.

- I'm unstoppable.
- Please.

What a medieval jerk.

All the time jerks.

I am all that is power.

All that is man.

I am virile.

I will impregnate all of you.

That's right, even the men.

I can't take this anymore, man.

It's going down.

Hey, Rank.

Yes?

Why don't you pick on
somebody your own size?

Like me.

What's he doing?

Oh, so sorry, kind sir.

Alas.

We're not accepting
challenges at this time.

Thank you though.

Very flattered.

We can't do it though.

But thank you.

What's the matter, Rank?

Chicken!

Yes, chicken.

Alas, the Pleasure Faire doesn't

carry insurance for this sort of thing.

Not really my call.

I'd love to.

Really I would.

But I can't.

I'd love to.

But I can't.

Let them joust!

Let them joust!

I will vanquish thee.

So, can I ask you a
kind of a stupid question?

Yeah, totally.

You ever jousted before?

No, I haven't.

Take this moment to say goodbye forever.

Are you ready?

I'm going to be fine, man.

I got chest plates.

The horse is just like a car.

A big hairy car.

Roll over.

- Yes, all right.
- Here's your helmet.

You want to put that on.

Squire, get me his lance.

Yeah, that one.

You want to put that face thing down.

How do I make it walk?

Grab him and kick in the
a*s, you just go that way.

- That way.
- Come on, baby.

Make sure Kate is watching, bro.

Dead man riding.

Prepare to be lanced.

A lot.

Ah.

It's a pretty good joke.

For an idiot.

You're the idiot.

You're an idiot.

They're both idiots.

Fetch boy, to your ring.

Knight, to your ring.

Is jousting a skill that
can come naturally to people?

No, it takes years.

Knights at the ready.

Charge!

His stick is broken.

That means he lost, right?

He needs that.

He's still on the horse.

So technically, no.

Will, get off the horse.

Fall off the horse.

I can't do that, Kate.

I don't know how.

I am victorious, yet again.

Ha!

He's not moving.

Kate, my darling.

Come mount this noble steed, then me.

Where are you going?

Will?

Will?

Are you okay?

Did I win?

No.

You came in second.

Did I look cool?

What is wrong with you?

I just got so fired up.

You could've been k*lled.

You look amazing.

You're an a*s.

You're an angel.

Here you go.

Nice cup of tea.

That really was the stupidest

thing I've ever seen in my life.

Congratulations.

So, tell me, how are you feeling there,

you big brave knight?

Can't believe I lost to that guy.

Yeah.

You want to bring him
down, you beat him at

the grand finale.

If you guys haven't noticed yet,

I'm not much of an actor.

I'm not much of a jouster.

Not a lot of I can bring to the table.

Stop being such a big baby.

We can do it.

I am not a baby.

You're a little bit of a baby.

I'm not a baby.

Look at him.

What is he wearing?

He's like some kind of
big, dumb, giant baby.

- I'll be back.
- Where are you going?

We're in the middle of a show.

Hey, guys.

What's going down?

What's going on?

Just having some breakfast.

You're wearing a bonnet.

I'm not wearing a bonnet, bro.

It's a little hat.

Just a little hat.

What's with the bib?

This?

This is not a bib.

It's like a tiny shirt.

Nope, that's clearly a bib.

It's not a bib.

Fetch boy?

I said, "fetch boy".

Oh, she must be talking to you.

Fetch boy.

Yes, your Majesty.

There seems to be some mud in my path.

Would you be so kind
as to help me with it?

Ah that is a bummer, your Majesty,

because I don't have a jacket,

so I can't be super chivalrous.

You'll do.

I will do.

What do you mean by that?

I said, you will do.

You want me to lay in that mud for you?

Yes.

Right now?

Now.

- You want me to-
- Yes.

Totally hurt himself.

He's got a coat.

Happy birthday to me.

Always remember that faire comes first.

Well done, fetch boy.

Can't say no to the queen.

Who's calling the blade now?

Such a psycho.

Little b*stard.

What's the point of that?

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

Check this guy out.

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

Later, fetch boy.

♪ Give me the music ♪

Where are your friends now?

Hey!

It is enough.

Sorry, your Majesty.

Of course.

Now, come along.

We should help him.

Oh, my God, Will.

It's so cold.

Do you have any idea
how many people would k*ll

to be stepped on by the queen?

None?

No, lots.

Seriously.

Dude, are you all right?

There's stuff all over.

By the way, bro, that Rank dude,

he's going down, man.

What we need to do

is kick his a*s in the grand finale.

Dude, I'm so down to kick his a*s, bro.

You and Kate have to get together

some kind of really good scene.

Okay.

He danced on me.

Okay.

We should probably work

on what we're going to
do for the grand finale.

Totally.

I can act.

What can you do?

I can throw a football insanely far.

Great.

I can also ask where a
bathroom is in Spanish.

And then they point.

I don't think that's going to help us.

Oh I shall no longer be a Montague.

Capulet!

The line is Capulet.

Blast, this is just not working.

I'm not feeling it, darling.

Why?

Whatever is wrong?

This new fetch girl, Kate,

poses an actual threat to our dynasty.

Her talent alone could dethrone us.

We must step it up.

I can step it up!

Well, step's is the only thing you need.

Why must you drown yourself
in the bottles of liquor?

Drown yourself in the prose
of William Shakespeare.

Like I have.

Are you implying that I
have a drinking problem?

I'm telling you.

You have a drinking problem.

This brings back memories, huh?

What happened to us, Crockett?

I made a mistake.

I screwed up.

Did I ever tell you I was sorry?

No, you didn't.

Allow me to take this moment, my lady.

I am so sorry, Jo.

Maybe it's not too late.

What are you wearing?

What is that?

Chastity belt.

For the curse?

Yeah, the curse.

Why don't you just reverse it?

You know, to undo a curse all you have

to do is do it in reverse.

Reverse the curse?

Everybody knows that.

That's a great idea.

Why are we going to the witch's?

The foolproof method to reverse

the curse is to burn a lock of hair

from the witch that cursed me
and blow it back in her face.

- Really?
- Yes.

I thought you said it was

to have goat pee on you.

I made a mistake.

This is it.

Let's go.

Come on.

See?

Ah, there were strippers
in the renaissance.

They're not strippers, they're witches.

Bona fide witches.

They're bona fide strippers.

Give me my scissors.

I have to get a lock of her
hair to reverse the curse.

- If they're real witches-
- I'm a little scared anyway.

You shouldn't be at all.

What if they turn me into, like, a pig?

Yeah, what if they
turn you into like a pig?

Like they do all this
crazy portions stuff.

Dude, what are you doing?

Can I help you with something?

We were looking for-

- A Frisbee.

We dropped a Frisbee.

You have a totally great
fire, and we thought we would-

This is a great opportunity
to maybe mend our friendship.

And we could hug, as they say-

- Hug it out.
- It out.

So.

Maybe.

Oh, great.

A hug.

Crocket.

Drop it.

You love me.

Perhaps you'd like to join us.

How did you do that with one hand?

A little help, please.

What do you want me to do, man?

Hi, BFF.

Now is the time to come help your buddy.

I still gotta find the Frisbee.

Help!

I think the Frisbee is over here, bro.

Have fun.

Are you ready to test the curse?

I'm not really.

What the hell is this?

- Oh!
- It's protection?

This is not going to stop us.

Take your best shot.

Let's rock.

Oh, there you are.

Hey.

I've been looking for you.

Where have you been?

I've been looking for you.

I want you to get your sexy

butt in my trailer, right now!

Enough of the horse thing.

I'm ready.

I want you.

And I want you now.

You keep that emotion going.

I'm gonna go slip into
something more comfortable,

put on my nice shoes, and come right back.

Just get nice and relaxed.

Have a couple sips.

And I'll be back.

Okay, don't you keep
your princess waiting.

Roy.

Roy, wake up.

Roy, what's up, man?

Roy is asleep.

I need your help with Jeanette.

Why didn't you say
so in the first place?

Roy!

What is it?

We got a date with Jeanette.

Oh!

Let's go.

Here we go.

Come on.

Wakey, wakey, time to get nakey.

- Wake up, buddy.
- Oh, okay.

So, you're gonna go in
there and pretend you're me.

And she's going to ask you to
do some really crazy stuff.

Oh, kinky.

I like it.

Just treat her like a princess.

That's what she's all about.

Got it.

And your name is Will.

Fetch boy.

Brush.

Beautiful.

Handsome.

Intelligent.

Brush.

Jamón.

Brush.

Brush every sun-kissed golden follicle.

Looking glass.

Hello.

Sunshine.

Haha.

Away with it.

Damn it.

Jeanette is incapable of delivering the

performance we need to assure victory.

Kate must be my leading lady.

For without her, we stand
to lose the grand finale.

And I refuse to be a peasant next season.

Hello.

What's going on, Pete?

No, no, no.

Listen, listen.

You press record once so you
only TiVo the one episode.

You gotta press record twice

and you're going to get a season pass

and you can TiVo every episode.

Yes, that's how it
works in the modern age.

Do not delete over "Gossip Girl", okay?

Do not delete "Gossip Girl."

All right, water my ficus.

All right.

I'ma holler at you, B.

All right, peace.

Where was I?

There is no other option.

Kate must be my Juliet.

Even if I have to k*ll to make it happen.

Oh, Jamón, really?

Maybe not k*ll, but something killish.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- It's a good looking fire.
- Yeah, it's warm.

So, where is Benny the dog?

He's sleeping.

- That's very adorable.
- Yeah, he's cute.

Are you gonna go to the faire tonight?

Isn't it closed?

It's very dark outside.

No, it's open for fare opening night.

It's the moonlight walk.

I'm totally down.

- Do you wanna do it?
- Yeah.

All right.

Cool.

I've never been here at night.

- Isn't it gorgeous?
- It's cool.

It's kind of dark.

Yeah.

But it's pretty.

Hey, bobbing for apples, let's do it.

Do you wanna do it?

Do you wanna do it?

Can you hold on to this by the way?

What is that?

It's a key to Crockett's chastity belt.

Ew.

Get it out of my pocket.

It didn't go in the bob bucket.

Oh, sh**t.

Humiliating.

Oh, that's great.

♪ You and me ♪

♪ We got something special ♪

♪ It's so hard to explain ♪

Rock, paper, scissors.

On three.

Okay.

Ready?

One, two, three.

sh**t.

One, two, three.

sh**t.

I win.

♪ You understand me ♪

♪ Sometimes it's just meant to be ♪

Maybe, we should hold hands.

Look, there's a hammer.

That guy's having the best time of life.

What'd you say?

Nothing.

Did you just ask to hold my hand?

No, I didn't.

It's okay, you gotta take it slow.

Oh, wow, oh wow.

Oh, my God.

That was so good.

I wanna learn how to do it.

That's a bad idea.

I'm sure I won't set myself on fire.

♪ The party boys are fighting for ♪

♪ There they go and the
ring around the bell ♪

♪ Sing my true love, are you warm ♪

♪ Up she comes as white as the snow ♪

♪ Rings on her fingers
and bells on her clothes ♪

♪ Says she'll die if she
doesn't getting goin ♪

♪ And the fool may lie ♪

♪ So now we wanna go home ♪

♪ The boys don't leave ♪

♪ Hold my hand, stole my comb ♪

♪ That's all right the night is young ♪

♪ She is dancing and she is free ♪

♪ She is the one that wanders ♪

♪ She is counting ♪

♪ One, two, three ♪

♪ Pray won't you tell me who is she ♪

Well done, boys.

Play for me.

They'll let you play.

I don't think anybody else, no.

They'll let you play.

You want me to play the piano for you?

- Yes.
- Really?

Yes.

All right.

I don't know bar songs though.

All my songs are written by people

who have been dead for a long time.

That's okay.

I'm sure they won't mind.

Wow.

That's really amazing.

That's very impressive.

Really?

That's definitely what we
should do for the grand finale.

If you can play that well
then I think we should use it.

Definitely.

So, I just play a song?

Yeah.

We'll make one up.

Oh, like sing-a-song?

I don't know.

Can you sing?

- Not really.
- Me neither.

♪ I am sorry that I didn't ♪

♪ Put my face into the pie ♪

♪ But you looked really funny ♪

♪ You were about to cry ♪

♪ Because you close your eyes ♪

I opened my eyes.

♪ You got whipped cream In your eyes ♪

No, my face basically melted off.

♪ Your face melted off ♪

Hey, this is easy.

We can write songs.

This is the first song I ever
wrote in my life by the way.

♪ I looked really cool On my horse ♪

No, you didn't.

♪ Yes, I did ♪

♪ No, you didn't ♪

♪ Yes I did ♪

♪ Yes, I did ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ Yes ♪

We did a lot
of things this evening.

Yes, we learned
a lot of things, too.

We learned about bobbing.

That's right.

Bobbing is unsanitary.

I learned about wax hands.

Not so awesome.

Not so great.

I learned that you are good with pies.

Not good with pies.

Just good with getting them on my face.

You got it all over your face.

I learned about,

that doing it doesn't always
have to mean doing it.

No.

You do lots of things.

- Yeah, so we just did it.
- Yeah.

We worked that all out.

This is you, right?

Yes.

I had a really good time tonight.

Yeah, me too.

And we figured out what we're going

to do for the grand finale.

We can work on it tomorrow.

We'll just practice tomorrow.

So, tomorrow morning, you
wanna meet at the piano?

Yeah, that place is
totally empty in the morning.

So, we'll have use of the piano.

Okay, cool.

Let's do it tomorrow.

Okay.

You wanna kiss me now?

All right.

Cool.

Okay, wait.

- No you're not.
- I know.

Okay, one, two, three.

Nice.

Good lifting.

Oh, I hate them.

This is amazing.

Good teamwork.

That was great.

Well, fare thee well.

Fare well.

I'd do it to you, too.

Kookookachu.

Nice.

Yeah.

Kookookachu.

It was great, insane person.

Hi, sweet boy.

How are you, Benny?

Did you have a good time?

Are you well rested?

Yes, I had a good time.

Oh.

Wait, Will.

Will?

So sorry to see of your
tall friend's infidelity.

Yeah.

I'm sure you are.

Can't say I'm surprised though.

Under the circumstances perhaps you'll

reconsider my previous proposition.

Oh, what proposition?

For you to play Juliet
at the grand finale.

What about Jeanette?

Looks like she has
already found her Romeo.

Yeah, I'll do it.

You'll do it?

Yes, I will do with you.

Yes, of course.

Why wouldn't you?

Get over here.

- No.
- Don't touch me.

I won't.

I do not like men like you.

I don't either.

Leave.

I am leaving.

Do not lurk.

No lurking.

I'm walking away.

Walking away.

Advantage, right.

I told you!

Respect the stache.

Jerk.

- Oh, fetch boy.
- Just a fetch boy here.

Just combing your hair.

Pretty princess.

Sweet.

I made it.

I'm home.

Are you all right, bro?

You?

You left me out there for the witches.

And they attacked my weenus again

and again and again with the belt.

Listen to that, it held up.

Chastity belt.

It worked.

Can't beat steel, brother.

Yeah.

Where are you going?

It's early.

I gotta meet Kate and finish that song.

Grand finale.

The finale is today.

I've got to, I've gotta find Jo.

We gotta win.

Jo!

I'm really sorry, babe.

Jo, I need to tell you something.

What?

I did something kind of bad.

What?

Well, last night when I
saw Will go into the trailer

and I saw everything that
happened, and then, you know,

Rank showed up.

I told him that I would
be Juliet with him.

With the nobles?

I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry.

I just,

I just want to get back at Will so much.

He really hurt you, didn't he?

I'm really sorry.

I don't have to do it.

I can just leave.

Come on.

You've always wanted to play this role.

You're going to be a beautiful Juliet.

It's fine.

Jamon, I'm so excited.

Here, grab this for me, won't you?

Won't be needing this.

Now!

Have you delivered Kate's
Juliet costume to her tent?

Si.

Good boy, Jamón, good boy.

Now, just in case,

I have a plan B.

Si!

No, Jamón!

Plan B.

- Si.
- B.

Can you even say "B"?

Si.

You're going to be a good boy?

How are you feeling, honey?

Nervous.

Really nervous.

Well, you look amazing.

Okay.

You're gonna be great.

Okay.

Rank is actually a pretty
good actor, you know?

That's what I'm told.

Hey, Jo!

I can't find Kate.

You sound surprised.

That's because I am surprised, Jo,

because I was supposed to
meet her to work on our song.

Never showed up.

She doesn't wanna see you, Will.

Why doesn't she wanna see me?

Chop the dumb act.

Not an act.

Kind of dumb.

Yeah, you are.

We all know about you and Jeanette.

Me and Jeanette?

Oh, she thought that was me in the...

I gotta go.

Jeanette!

May I be bold enough to say
I find you irresistible.

You do?

Yes!

Yeah, sure I do.

Let me see those darling digits.

Let me see those cute cuticles.

Yes.

It's in there.

Oh, Rank!

I didn't know you were so kinky.

Oh, yeah.

Actually darling, I'm not kinky.

I'm a rather conservative lover.

But aren't you going
to take advantage of me?

Darling, I already have.

Your Grace, unfortunately,

it seems that due to severe intoxication,

Jeanette will be unable

to attend tonight's performance
of the grand finale.

Rank!

Will!

I've taken the liberty
of asking Lady Kate

to become a noble and
perform with me in her stead,

with, of course, your royal permission.

Well, this is highly irregular.

Since I feel partly responsible

for my daughter's behavior,

I will allow it.

Thank you.

Doesn't anybody care?

Hello!

Kate, Jo told me that you're mad at me?

I don't wanna talk to you.

You think I was with Jeanette?

Oh, my God.

- Get away.
- Why won't you just listen?

- Just listen.
- Go away.

Guards, take away this low-caste filth.

All right, fetch boy.

Let's go.

Yeah, we can go.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

It is the grand finale.

At the end, a champion will be chosen,

and new nobles will be crowned.

And now,
from the Greenbriar camp,

Horny and Roy.

Oooh.

What are we going to do today, Horny?

Oh, I got it.

Let's tell some jokes.

Okay, Horny, but keep them clean.

Oh, I know a clean joke.

What is it, Horny?

How can you tell if you're
girlfriend is ticklish?

I don't know.

How?

Give her a test-icle.

Rubbish.

Get it?

Testicle.

From Bradford camp,

Count Le Petite and General Tso.

All right.

Here comes the show.

Go, get him, CLP.

Yes.

Le sausage.

Le Fast food.

Brava.

Amazing, my boy!

I taught them everything they know.

I don't believe it.

Well, I'll get you a
sandwich if you like.

All right.

You can stop now.

From the
Greenville camp, Jo and Crocket.

Boring.

Dude, that was amazing.

Good, right?

Dude, we totally kicked a*s.

Yeah!

You're amazing.

It was good, right?

Dude, you crushed!

You were awesome.

Chest bump!

You're going to leave me
hanging on a chest bump?

Why is she not chest-bumping?

I did not hook up with Jeanette.

Tell Kate.

Not me.

I tried telling Kate and
Rank won't let me near her.

Well, maybe you should try harder.

How am I supposed to try harder?

She's pissed.

There is
a change in the program.

Kate will not be performing
with the peasants.

Here now, Will, the fetch boy.

It's you.

Go, go, go.

No, no.

Yes, you have to go.

I'm only half the act.

Kate's not here.

Just go up there and make it up.

We need you.

What am I supposed to do?

Just make up a song.

The first thing that comes to your mind.

Giraffes.

Go!

Go, go, go!

Today I'm going to play
a song for my friend Kate,

because I was originally
going to do a duet with her,

but she got mad at me, and I
tried to explain myself but

there's some stuff she needs to know and,

what better time than on
stage in front of a group

strangers to have an
intimate conversation.

So I wrote her a little song.

♪ You make this crazy place seem right ♪

♪ You make me feel okay to wear tights ♪

♪ And I wear these tights for you ♪

♪ You are small and I am tall ♪

♪ And if they had phones
in the renaissance ♪

♪ I'd give you a call and I would ♪

♪ Ask you If you want to do it with me ♪

Oh, Lord.

♪ I never did it with Jeanette I swear ♪

♪ It was Roy and his puppet ♪

♪ With her in there ♪

♪ I'm telling you this ♪

♪ Because I care I just
painted her nails ♪

♪ And brushed her wasted hair ♪

♪ Her super drunk hair ♪

♪ Her blacked-out hair ♪

Too much information.

♪ Her sh*t-faced hair ♪

♪ I love your smile ♪

♪ And when you laugh ♪

♪ You're a koala bear and I'm a giraffe ♪

♪ And this giraffe ♪

♪ Wants to do it with you ♪

♪ Just do it with you ♪

♪ And only you ♪

♪ This giraffe ♪

♪ Wants to do it with you ♪

This song is now called,

"This Giraffe Wants to Do it With You."

- That was wonderful.
- Indeed, your Majesty.

What do you think?

Where did that come from?

It just started flowing.

I was just singing what I felt.

Do you know you are a champ?

That was amazing.

Kate, time for stage.

Rank, I don't think I can do it anymore.

I'm really sorry.

I misunderstood some things.

Yes, I've prepared for this.

I've taken the necessary precautions.

That's my dog.

Yes.

What is wrong with you?

Oh, such fire.

Such passion.

Save it for the stage.

- You're crazy.
- Am I?

Or am I just acting crazy?

Don't answer that.

Get on the stage to
perform or the dog dies.

I hate you.

I think Rank is up to something.

Why is she still with Rank?

And now for the Stratford camp,

Lady Kate and Sir Rank.

She's gonna perform with Rank

after I just sang a song telling everybody

that I think she's a koala bear?

Amazing.

Come on.

Will, that was wonderful.

Thanks, Jo.

But, soft.

What light.

Through yonder window breaks.

It is the East.

And Juliet is the sun.

I can't believe Kate's with him.

It's ridiculous.

Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Deny thy father.

And refuse thy name.

Or, if thou wilt not,

be but sworn my love.

And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

Shall I hear more, or
shall I speak at this?

'Tis but thy name

that is my enemy, Will.

Yes, to Will.

So gorgeous.

What's Montague?

Will?

It is not hand, nor foot,

nor arm, nor face, nor any
other part belonging to a man.

O, be some other name, Will.

Does that seem weird to you

that she keeps saying Will?

It's definitely not in the script.

By any other word would smell as sweet.

So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called.

Why does she keep
looking at the side stage?

Perfection which he
owes without that title.

Romeo, doff thy name, and for thy name,

which is no part of thee.

Take all myself.

Will!

Will.

Haha.

That doesn't sound like Shakespeare.

Something is wrong, man.

Something is definitely wrong.

Come with me.

Were I twill a rose?

I am as beautiful.

What are you doing?

Focus!

Never add to Shakespeare.

Stick to the script, idiot.

I take thee at thy word.

They got Benny.

Dude, he's forcing her to act with him.

That's why she's doing it because

they're got Benny at gunpoint.

Henceforth, I will never be Romeo.

So stumbles the council.

I hate you.

So stumbles the council.

Say the line or the dog gets it.

We gotta save him.

Dude, just go.

Don't be foolish, Bon Ami.

Ha!

Guys.

This is a renaissance faire.

It's all make-believe.

He's not really from France.

And you're not really Asian.

- Yes, I am.
- Are you really?

Come here, I'll choke your a*s.

I got him.

Thank God.

Do something!

sh**t him, sh**t him while
he's handing the dog.

I don't remember a dog.

Behind you.

Thank you, my lady.

You're gonna have him
sh**t me with a crossbow?

Yes.

Da-da-da.

Horny to the rescue!

Oh, no.

Are they still acting?

Is this part of the show?

Dude, all joking aside,

I'm going to kick your a*s.

Oh, wonderful.

Use that energy with swords!

Like they did in the
age of the renaissance.

Haha.

I'm not going to play
swords with you, buddy.

Did you hear that, folks?

The big shaved ape is
also a big bloody chicken.

Okay, I definitely
will sword fight you now.

En guard.

Okay.

Now you say en guard.

I'm not gonna say en guard.

But you just did.

Damn it.

Lunge.

Looks like someone lost their sword.

I don't think you're
supposed to say the W in sword.

I say it.

What I say is right.

I have the sword.

On your knees, fetch boy.

Kneel, kneel before me.

Romeo still in character.

Respect the piece.

I'm not gonna kneel near your piece.

Fine.

Don't have to.

Any final words before
I k*ll you, fetch boy?

Yeah.

You're a very weird guy.

That was so cool.

You saved me.

Thanks for catching me.

It's no problem.

I thought it was the obvious move.

You saved my dog.

I did.

Where is he?

- Benny.
- Come here, Benny.

Who's a good boy?

Fake sword.

Fake sword.

Real fist.

Come on, guys.

Guys, you look great.

You look good up here in this theater.

Come on up here, buddy.

Thank you.

Well done, everyone.

It was splendid.

Now, I have made my decision.

The Greenbriars

shall be next year's nobles.

Hip, hip, hooray!

Kate and Will, please approach.

Dear, dear, Kate.

You may rise.

Thank you.

You were simply divine.

- Thank you, your Majesty.
- Absolutely, I agree.

What's that?

Guard, get your a*s over here.

Professor Shockworthy?

Yeah.

It's my professor.

That's the dude who made me come here.

Oh.

Mr. Pepperidge, when I first
sentenced you to work here

at the fair, it was purely
for my own amusement.

But after watching you

turn yourself from an arrogant quarterback

to a selfless fetch boy,

showing growth I thought
you were incapable of.

You have embraced the
values of the renaissance.

Yeah, I totally-

- Like a rough iron ingot,
sharpened and polished

into a finely tuned sword.

You say sword like the other crazy guy.

Your greatest weakness
has been forged into

your ultimate strength.

Bravo!

Bravo!

So, does that mean I passed?

Yes.

Yes, you passed.

Yes.

Wanna bump it?

Thank you for that.

Professor Shockworthy.

♪ Give me the music ♪

Droppin' and lockin'.

He's droppin' and lockin'.

- Your Majesty.
- Oh.

We did it.

Oh.

How did you do that?

I guess the curse is broken.

How do you know?

Because I'm the one who cursed you.

What?

I was sick of watching your shenanigans.

We're meant to be together, stupid.

You don't know anything.

I know for one, that I love you.

I do know that.

Jo, will you do me the great honor

of being my wife?

Of course, I will.

Yes?

And so it is, with the power vested

in me as your queen of this grand faire,

I now proclaim you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Yes, ma'am.

I always cry at these things.

You're such a romantic.

Let's just get to the cake.

Horny.

Ooooh.

Pretty doves.

You're really gonna
make me wait a whole year

to see you again?

Yeah, if you're lucky.

Kate, that's not fair.

Well, you know what they say.

All's faire in love.

Well, may I kiss-eth your mouth-th?

♪ Dream dream dream ♪

♪ Life is but a dream ♪

♪ We are all here ♪

♪ In the act of creation ♪

♪ Let's fly away on our imagination ♪

♪ You take me to the highest heights ♪

♪ And into the depths
of the deepest abyss ♪

♪ When I am dreaming I don't know if ♪

♪ I'm truly asleep or if I'm awake ♪

♪ And when I get up I don't
know if I'm truly awake ♪

♪ Or if I'm still dreaming ♪

♪ Dream dream dream dream ♪

♪ Life is but a dream ♪

♪ Traveling the waves
of an infinite ocean ♪

♪ I feel the deepest emotion ♪

♪ I see a shadow of reality ♪

♪ Please hold me closely
and take me away ♪

You stupid people will never be nobles.

No.

Oh, you missed me all with your Scheisse.

You guys are terrible at throwing tomato.

Ow!

sh*t-cake, you hit me right on the head.

Ow!

Oh!

♪ If I'm still dreaming ♪

- Jeanette!
- Rank has me locked up.

I like you.

Oh.

Thank you.

I have a confession to make.

What is it?

It wasn't really Will who

was brushing your hair last night.

It was me.

True.

You are such a stallion.

Thank you.

Technically, I'm a unicorn.

Oh, babe.

Oh, thank you.

Here's looking at you.

♪ I'm the first person ♪

♪ You're the second person ♪

♪ Earlier today I was
in the third person ♪

♪ Stop cursing start diversing ♪

♪ Oedipus is bliss the sunshine
will affect your mind ♪

I'll be a civil w*r hero next year.

I don't like you.

You're a terrible Romeo.

Terrible.

Don't say that.

I did quite like when your
finger was in my mouth.

That's a wrap.

Hang in there, buddy.

My feelings are hurt.

Got tomato in my eye.

♪ When I am dreaming I don't
know if I'm truly asleep ♪

♪ Or if I'm awake ♪

♪ And when I get up I don't
know if I'm truly awake ♪

♪ Or if I'm still ♪

What a wonderful pair.

I loved it.

It was awesome.

Oh, yes, of course.

We can talk about it
later when we get home.

Hello.

Horny.

I locked the keys in my car.

Horny, unlock the car.

Got a cellphone, man?

I locked my keys in the car.

Horny, get the keys, please.

Horny!

Open the door, Horny.

Horny!

I locked my keys in the car.

My partner is in the car.

He's ignoring me, giving me
the ignore treatment again.

Open the door!

Unlock the car, dude.

You're just my hand, man.

You're just my hand.

Open the door.

Open the door, Horny.

Want me to say I'm sorry?

All right, I'm sorry.

I just want to go home.

♪ And when I get up I don't
know if I'm truly awake ♪

♪ Or if I'm still dreaming ♪

♪ The dream is fading now
I'm staring at the door ♪

♪ I know it's over 'cause my
feet have hit the cold floor ♪

♪ Check my reflection ♪

♪ I ain't feelin' what I see ♪

♪ It's no mystery ♪

♪ Whatever happened to a
passion I can live for ♪

♪ What became of a flame
that made me feel more ♪

♪ And when did I forget ♪

♪ That I was made to love
you, I was made to find you ♪

♪ I was made just for
you, made to adore you ♪

♪ I was made to love ♪

♪ And be loved by you ♪

♪ You were here before me ♪

♪ You were waiting on me ♪

♪ And you said you'd keep me ♪

♪ Never would you leave me ♪

♪ I was made to love and be loved by you ♪

♪ Your dream's alive
with my eyes open wide ♪

♪ Back in the ring you got me
swingin' for the grand prize ♪

♪ I feel the haters spittin'
vapors on my dreams ♪

♪ But I still believe ♪

♪ I'm reaching out,
reaching up, reaching over ♪

♪ I feel a breeze cover
me 'cause you're over ♪

♪ Daddy, I'm on my way ♪

♪ 'Cause I was made to love ♪

♪ I was made to love you ♪

♪ I was made to find you ♪

♪ I was made just for
you, made to adore you ♪

♪ I was made to love, I was made to love ♪

♪ And be loved by you ♪

♪ You were here before me,
you were waiting on me ♪

♪ And you said you'd keep me,
never would you leave me ♪

♪ I was made to love, I was made to love ♪

♪ And be loved by you, loved by you ♪

♪ I was made to love you ♪

♪ I was made just for
you, made to adore you ♪

♪ I was made to love, I was made to love ♪

♪ And be loved by you ♪

♪ You were here before me,
you were waiting on me ♪

♪ And you said you'd keep me,
never would you leave me ♪

♪ I was made to love, I was made to love ♪

♪ And be loved by you, loved by you ♪

Seriously, come back.

Seriously, get me out of this thing.

Where's the set wrap?

Let me outta here.

You guys.