08x90 - Christmas Special: The X-Mas United

[bunniefuu]

Boy: # Squeeze the
toothpaste from the tube #

♪ fa-la-la-la-la-la,
la rinse and spit ♪ [Spits]

♪ check to see if I've got pubes ♪

♪ fa-la-la-la-la-la ... ♪
[screams]

[Screams indistinctly]

Oh, honey, get the camera!

Our little boy got his man bush!

Keep the strays off
the toilet seat, son.

My pubes are white!

I look like Roger Sterling down there.

Sweetie, uh, it's time you knew.

Does your new, snowy man
meadow remind you of anything?

Ohh!
Am I a wampa?!

- Your real father is Santa Claus!
- [Gasps] My real father?

We were together for
only one magical night,

but he left me a present ...
you... and crabs.

And this.
I told him my name was Portia.

Ha! A virgin named Portia.

Come on.
Anyway, flip it over.

Ah, the Polar Express!
Yay!

I miss those crabs.

[Train whistle blows]

[Steam hissing]

Oh, there it is ...
the Hogwarts Express ...

I mean the Polar Express!
Aah!

- Tickets, please!
- Tom Hanks.

Oh Jesus...
you're so... lifelike.

The palette is meant to
represent the source material.

Tickets, please.

[Laughs] Thanks for the monologuing.
Gotta find a seat.

Bye.

[whispers] k*ll me.

I'm Del Griffith,

off to the North Pole to
sell shower-curtain rings.

Only place on Earth
without a Bed Bath & Beyond,

so I'll make a fortune.

Uh, their website delivers
everywhere these days.

Have you ever been to Paris?

They don't shower, or
as they call it, d*uche.

The revolution has begun.

Wow!
Chris Evans, and he's got a baby!

Oh, I bet he's an awesome dad.

Oh, my god, he's eating the baby!

We've got to get to the
engine and stop this train.

Take a bite of this baby, and let's go.

Uh..."a,"
I don't want to eat a baby.

- And, "b"...
- Move, move, move, move! Now!

[Chuckles]
How you fixed for shower rings, kid?

[Chomps]

Thank you.

[as tom Hanks]
Oh Christ, I can't die!

Now, I never douched my butt hole,

but I got to tell you, those
frogs can't get enough of it.

Well, looks like we're hoofing it.

We can't walk to the North Pole.

Guys, I found the baby freezer.
Who's up for Chinese... baby?

[Sighs]
Let's just go.

[Chuckles] Hot dang, I'm gonna
make a big sale at the North Po...

[Grunts]
Oh, no, a heart attack!

How... unexpected.

Ohh, too bad I don't have a lightsaber.

[Rattling]

[Grunting]

Ew.
He's not made of candy at all.

[Yawns]

That was surprisingly
roomy and comfortable.

[Gasps]

Oh, my gosh!

[Festive music plays]

Yeah!

Whee!

- Uh, can I park that for you, sir?
- Thanks.

I made it!
[Gasps]

It's more beautiful
than I ever imagined.

Ooh, neat!
What's this switch do?

Can I try painting that?

It's cool. I'm Santa's son.
Hey, bubble wrap!

[Popping] I'm so filled
with christmas joy!

Gee, that overbite makes
you look just like a beaver.

And if there's one thing
I hate, it's beaver.

I'll fix you right up.
The name's Hermey.

I'm a wonderful dentist.

[Babbling]

Yeah, I'm good. Thanks.

Ooh! Toys!

Cool!
What does it transform into?

Nothing. It doesn't
transform into anything.

It's just a train,
handcrafted with love and ...

Hey, where's the Xbox assembly line?!

Elves can't make cutting-edge
electronics, okay?

For those, you need a different
kind of magical creature.

Chinese sl*ve children.
[Trombone plays "wah-wahhh"]

We also make horns.

Uh, this is fun and all,
but I still haven't met Santa Claus.

[Up-tempo music plays]
Wait. I hear entrance music.

[Shimmer!]

It's... It's him!

Huh? An outsider? Here?
[Alarm blaring]

[Screaming]

Aah! Aah!

Sorry we had to burn all your clothes,

but germs don't affect
elves the same way as humans.

Good thing we cleaned you up

before you had a chance
to touch anything.

Uh, well, actually...

[Elves growling]

Oh, you little A.I.D.S. monkey!
[Growling continues]

Run!

Santa, let me guide your way!

Guide your way to hell!
Hyah!

Aah!

Ohh! Ohh!

Okay, I've got a plan.

I'm gonna need a paint
can, a long string,

some nails, a cheese pizza,

a VHS tape of
"Angels with filthy souls."

Or we could just use these.

Gonna have to use my A.K.
Guess it's not a good day.

Sorry, Cube.

And if these don't work, there's
always the nuclear option.

Nonproliferation, my a*s.
Santa don't play N.A.T.O.

[Hip-hop music plays]

[Saw buzzing]

[Saw buzzing]

Uh...

[Elves growling]

Come on. Come on.

Yes, the VSC Viper!

Recalled for its
kid-k*lling m*rder rockets!

[g*nf*re]

Hey. Wait a second.

I haven't been home in years.

[Echoing]
Haven't been home in years.

Haven't been home in years.

He didn't have a home.

Never douched my butt hole.
[Chuckles]

Never douched my butt hole.

- He didn't have a butt hole.
- Heads up!

Hey, Santa, it ain't Christmas
without your brother, Fred Claus!

Say hello to Rudolph,
you freeloading prick.

- We did it!
- And we still have two clips left.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
[Laughing, music]

That was great.
Ow, something's poking me.

My nuclear remote!

[Alarm blaring]

It's stuck on autopilot.

It'll go to the first kids on the list.
Let's see who they are.

Hmm, two beautiful
Muslim-Kenyan names.

[Gasps]
[bleep] The White House!

Can't you call them back?

No, dumbass, you sat on the remote.

They're trained to follow the autopilot.

- There must be a failsafe!
- Yeah. It's on the remote.

We'll have to take
out the J.V. Reindeer.

Oh, cool.
What are their names?

Hoofy and Stickhead.
Who gives a [bleep]? Get on!

[Whinnies]

Ow!

[Splat!]

- Hoofy!
- I'm Hoofy!

Who gives a [bleep] now, climb!

Turn around. Turn around.
Turn around!

Yay!

[Growling]

Aah! Aah!

Santa Claus!

Oh, my god!
Oh, wow.

I'll take the reins.
You disarm the b*mb.

- It's a very user-friendly interface.
- Gotcha!

[Growling]

[Alarm blaring]

Oh sh*t.

[Growling]
h*, h*, you scab!

[Whinnies]

[Snorts]

[Screaming]

I'm sorry, Christmas.

It looks like hanukkah finally won.
Wait, what's this?

[b*mb powers down]
Hey, that was pretty user-friendly.

I guess this is it.

I'm gonna die a virgin,
just like the Lindbergh baby.

[Grumbling]
Oh, wait, that's it.

Everyone knows bumbles bounce.

[Grumbles]

Let's bounce!

Uh, correction.
Bumbles do not bounce.

[Brakes screeching]

Boy, you saved Christmas.

- All the elves are dead!
- Ah, I'll clone some more.

Wow, Dad, you think of everything.

"Dad"? What makes you
think I'm your father?

I've been sh**ting blanks
ever since I bought that nuke.

Huh. Probably a coincidence.

Here my Mom met you in college.
Don't you remember her?

Oh, yeah.
I remember her.

It was the college debate tour.

Claus versus Krampus.

Your mom was a stone-cold freak.

What was her name?
Hyundai Sonata?

Krampus made a lot of good points
about the Iraq w*r that night.

He took home the gold.

- But we both took home the pink.
- I think I get it. Thank you.

As usual, the Krampus went raw dawg.

Damn, than man could debate.

And so, long story short,
Santa and the Krampus

Eiffel-towered your
freaky, luded-out mama.

No. No, I refuse to believe
that Krampus is my father!

- How about now?
- Oh, dang it.

I'm home!
Merry Christmas!

- Did you find your father?
- I sure did.

As far as I'm concerned,
you're my real dad.

- Wow. That's great.
- Yay.

♪ And as I turned ♪
[to the tune of "Cat's in the cradle]

♪ from the window, it occurred to me ♪

♪ I'm never gonna need this ball ♪

♪ no, I guess I should
return this ball ♪

♪ 'cause the Krampus is your daddy ♪

♪ and your mom's a wh*re ♪

♪ the Krampus went raw
dawg in a fine sophomore ♪

♪ he should have pulled
out, but he sprung a leak ♪

♪ 'cause your mom was
a stone-cold freak ♪

♪ oh, yeah, you know she was a freak ♪

♪ I hope your mama
burned those sheets ♪