Oh, jason,
thank you so much.
You are a lifesaver.
No problem.
Thank you.
All right, I'll see
you next week.
Okay, great.
Mommy, why does
jason come over?
Is he
your boyfriend?
No, honey,
jason's the delivery guy.
Daddy's my boyfriend.
[ Giggling ]
I know. That makes
mommy laugh, too.
Okay, girls, go wash up
for dinner.
Cheryl, this neighborhood
is going to hell.
That's so funny. That's what
the neighbors said
When we moved in.
No, no, I just caught
some kid
Snooping around
in the yard.
So I had to dispense
some street justice out on him
With my new power hose.
No...
No, honey, that's jason.
He delivers the groceries.
Whoa.
Hold the phone.
Since when do we get
our groceries delivered?
Jim, it's only $ .
Whoa. $ ?
Hold the phone.
Okay, did you just hear
"hold the phone"
For the first time today?
Because, you know, it's not new.
Cheryl, how long
have you and jason
Been running this
delivery scam on me?
Well, jim, I guess
You've been our mark
for about a year now.
A year? That's weeks
times $ .
That's -- that's --
I'm a little upset that
we're onto numbers now,
But that's a lot
of money!
Cheryl,
what are you doing?
Jim, I don't do it
every week, but, you know,
I can't be three places
at once.
And sometimes
I got to make dinner,
And kyle won't go down
for a nap.
I mean, it gets crazy
around here.
Yeah, it looks like
you got a lot of balls
In the air, cheryl.
Okay, okay, what other
deliveries am I paying for?
I don't know -- dry cleaning,
stuff from the pharmacy.
What?!
What, did you find pirate
treasure in the basement?
Jim, that "x" is where
the gas line is.
Cheryl...
I don't -- I don't understand.
You know what?
If you need something,
why don't you just call me
At work, and I'll pick it up
on the way home?
For free, cheryl.
Get that? Free!
Jim, there's a reason
I don't ask you
to run errands.
Why?
You never get
the right thing.
I am shocked!
I'm offended.
Give me one example.
Well, remember
when I asked you to
bring back marinade,
And you brought back
lemonade?
"Nade," cheryl.
nade.
Look, jim, I'd just rather
spend some money
And get things done right
the first time.
You know what? That's your
answer to everything --
Just throw money at it?
Well, life isn't
a strip club, cheryl.
Jim, it's $ .
No. No. No.
New rule around
here, okay?
Next time you
need something
from the store,
I'll do it.
Fine. You want
to do it, do it.
Oh, I'll do it.
Hold the phone!
Now you're not even
using it right.
Ahem.
Ooh. Cheryl,
that dress is gorgeous.
i want to go out
with you.
Ha ha ha.
So what's the occasion?
The flynns'
th wedding anniversary
Is next week.
I'm so excited.
Jim's renting a tux.
I know the flynns.
Why didn't they invite me?
Oh, I asked them not to.
Yeah, I need somebody
to watch the kids.
I lied. That dress
makes you look hippy.
Hey.
Wow, you look
smoking hot.
Really?
Yeah.
'Cause dana hates my dress.
Well, then why don't you
just take it off?
All right, I got
everything on your list.
I got the toothpaste,
I got the deodorant,
I even got the
blue mouthwash
that we always use.
Jim, we use
the green mouthwash.
Like this?
Gotcha.
You know what?
They didn't have
any on the shelf,
So I grabbed a clerk,
and I said,
"Do you have any
green mouthwash
in the back? "
And he said,
"I don't know,"
And I said,
"listen up, vic,
I can't bring
'i don't know'
home to my wife."
Wow
You know, you should get
together with the guys that
stormed omoha beach
And share that story
with them
Thank you, honey.
I'm not looking
for a "thank you."
Oh, oh.
I was wrong.
Ahh.
Kiss-on-the-cheek wrong
Or ice-cream-
for-breakfast
wrong?
Wrong enough...
To forgive you
for forgetting
To pick up the girls
at soccer practice.
Ahh.
Cheryl, the girls
are upstairs.
I know.
I just hate it
when he gets cocky.
[ Cellular phone rings ]
Hey, cheryl.
Yes, I can pick up
some toilet paper.
-Ply.
What are we, royalty?
That was a little funny.
Bye.
Hey, check it out.
If you cough
on the cheese samples,
They give you
the whole platter.
Andy, no, no.
All right, what's next
on our list here?
Tomato paste -- ooh.
It just so happens
I have a coupon
On double coupon day.
Cha-ching.
I got to hand it
to you, jim.
You got this
shopping thing down.
You're cheryl's
big helper.
Aah. Ha ha ha.
I got it, marcie --
skim milk, not %.
Okay, I'll stop by
the shoe store
After the car wash.
Yes, the --
the tan ones.
I kn--
What -- what tone?
I don't have a tone.
Ha ha ha ha.
[ Both imitate
whip cracking ]
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
[ Cellular phone rings ]
[ Ring ]
Cheryl?
Yes.
[ Ring ]
You're not going
to answer that
phone, are you?
[ Ring ]
It's not a phone.
It's a whip.
That's right.
I can't believe it, andy.
I--i was so full of pride
that I could save $ .
That I didn't see
That I'm turning into
a competent husband,
Which I swore
I would never do.
Do you want me
to sh**t you, jim?
'Cause I'd do that
for you.
Yes, you would,
and I should be sh*t,
exactly.
Damn it, how could I forget
the golden rule?
If a woman sees that
you're good at something...
Both: it becomes
your job forever.
Oh, man, I've made
that mistake before.
That's why
the first night
I'm with a woman,
I'm lousy.
Have you gone on many second
dates lately?
Why don't we focus on your
problems right now.
All right, andy,
this is too much.
Listen, you know what?
We got to put
this thing right.
It's time to get out of here
And get my ass
back in my chair
Where it belongs.
Oh, oh, I got one.
"Divorced lawyer
seeks good-looking female.
Long talks
and foot worship a must."
Cheryl,
that's the personals.
You're supposed to be
finding me a job.
Yeah, I know but you got nice
feet and this could pay the
bills
Hello!
Hey! I tried
to call you again,
But you didn't pick up.
Well, you know what?
I was thinking, maybe I should
get one of those text pagers.
That way, you can get me
anytime you want.
That's a great idea!
Yeah. I thought you'd be
on board with that one.
Hey, honey,
where's the tomato paste?
Oh, you don't see it?
No.
I got tomatoes,
and I got paste...
I must have
read your list wrong.
My bad. I'm sorry.
Well, did you at least
Get a gift
for the flynns' anniversary?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
black bag.
Oh, good.
"My big fat
greek orgy"?
You got them p*rn?
What was I supposed
to get them?
White wine and a card?
It's on the list!
Wow, that's not
even close.
Don't worry, cheryl.
I'll get rid of that.
What the hell happened?
I don't know.
I just don't know.
Uh, uh, I'm gonna be
in the living room
b*ating myself up.
I just...
Wish I hadn't
failed you.
Yeah!
I didn't ask
for any of this stuff.
What --
He got everything wrong.
Oh...
He was doing so well.
Yeah, he couldn't have
screwed this up more
If he was trying.
Yeah.
He's brilliant.
He's pretending
to be a moron
To cover up
being a jackass.
So, jim bought
all the wrong stuff
So he'd never
have to go to
the store again?
Yes, exactly.
Cheryl, jim b*at you.
Oh, dana,
hold on to your looks.
Jim thinks he b*at me,
but not today.
So it's on?
Oh, oh, oh.
It's on.
Ah, mr. Chair.
My big butt
missed you, too.
You know, jim,
in some ways,
You're my role model.
But in other ways,
you're my cautionary
tale.
Thank you, andy.
Mm.
"Spongebob"?
Let's.
Jim, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have come
down on you like that.
Well, you know, I think
I'm man enough to take
A ton of bricks every
once in a while, but...
You know, you have
a right to be upset.
I just think it was
way over my head.
Yeah, just like
With the "tv guide"
crossword puzzle.
Excuse me
for not remembering
Every single
wayans brother.
Remember when gracie
kicked a goal
Into her
own team's net,
And she felt
really bad about it?
Ha ha ha.
That was
a great game.
Anyway...
You told her that if she
just kept trying,
Sooner or later
she'd get it right.
Well, that's how I feel
about you and shopping.
I don't care how many
mistakes you make.
What?
I'm saying I accept you.
No, no, no, you can't.
I mean, I'm just gonna
screw up again.
Shh, shh, shh.
I didn't marry
a quitter.
Well, you kinda did.
No. No, no, no.
I married the little
husband who could.
And that's why I'm
going to give you
another chance.
And another.
And another after that.
Mwah!
F.y.i.?
Keenen, damon, shawn,
marlon, and dwayne.
Get out of here!
Andy,
That is so unlike cheryl
to give me a second chance.
It's almost as though
she knows you got
The wrong stuff on purpose
and wants to prove a point.
Yeah.
So...
"Spongebob"?
[ Whimsical music playing ]
[ Turns tv off ]
My god, she is on to me.
Hold the phone.
Hold the phone indeed!
She is trying to get me
to back down.
[ Laughs ]
I'll never back down!
Game is on, baby!
It sounds like it's time
for you two to sit down
And talk this out.
That sounds good on paper,
but I don't win those.
No, I have to trick her
with mind games.
Oh, right. My mistake.
No discussion
could ever accomplish
What a series
of secret plans could.
That's right.
Okay, think about it.
I've got to screw up
so big
That she'll never ask me
to go on an errand again.
It's got to be something
That's very important
to cheryl.
Think about it.
Think about it.
Both: hi, daddy!
Love you!
Hi, girls.
Love you...
Too.
[ Chuckles ]
Nah.
Nah.
Uncle andy, can I
ask you a question?
Yeah, when
I'm done eating.
But we have to be
in bed in an hour.
[ Girls laugh ]
We're gonna be late
for the party. Where's jim?
Oh, just leave
an open beer
on the porch.
He'll be around
in a few minutes.
Hey.
Oh, finally.
Okay, I'm gonna go
put on my dress, and --
Where's your tux?
Oh, my god, I was supposed
to pick up the tux!
And all I got is this
bag of pistachios!
Well...
Tux, nuts --
easy mistake.
Don't do that, cheryl.
Don't do that.
I have let you down
again.
I'm ashamed.
You know what?
I don't even deserve
these nuts.
Oh, yeah, my man's
got her on the ropes!
No way.
She's not backing down.
Let's get back
to the action.
You have
to understand --
Hey.
I mean,
I don't have my tux.
My suit's
at the cleaners.
I got nothing to wear.
Wear that.
This?
Yeah. It's fine to me.
It's got a stain on it.
I see it.
And I don't know
where it came from.
Jim, let's not
ruin our evening
Because you made
a simple mistake.
I mean, it was a mistake,
wasn't it?
I don't know.
Was it?
It was
if you say it is.
Then it was.
Okay, then.
Okay.
So, uh, shouldn't you
go upstairs
And put your dress on?
Ha.
If you're gonna go
like that,
Maybe I should go
like this.
What do you think?
Well, I think that baby puke
brings out your eyes.
But you know what?
Now I'm feeling
a little overdressed.
What do you think?
I love it!
Well, then perhaps you'll
like the matching pants.
That man's
got some stones.
I think I just saw
one of them.
So...
Should we go?
I can't see why not.
Shall we?
Oh.
Jim: ha ha.
Oh, wait!
What?
I can't go out like this!
You got a problem,
don't you?
Yes, actually.
I have to touch up
my lips.
May i?
Milady.
Merci, monsieur.
Wait.
My driver's license.
That was my lipstick.
That was my wallet.
So, we, uh,
Gonna be sitting
with suzanne and brad?
Yeah, yeah.
And brad's uncle
the congressman, so...
Oh.
So we'll be meeting him.
Hmm.
I'll probably have
a lot of drinks.
Me, too.
Gee, I hope they have
a good band,
'Cause I feel
like shaking it.
Oh. Get in line!
Ha ha ha.
Okay...
Here we are.
Oh, hey,
look who that is.
That's brad
and suzanne.
Hey, wave, cheryl.
Hey, brad, suzanne!
Oh, hey, congressman,
this is my wife cheryl!
No, come on over!
You win! You win!
You win!
I win? What do
you mean, I win?
Are we playing
a game?
Just drive, nipples!
Hey, back so soon?
We didn't
expect you guys
for a few hours.
Ha ha ha ha.
Great, now we can go
to the flynns' party.
Can I wear your dress?
Apparently.
Yeah, about that --
It feels a little baggy
in the hips.
I believe you have
my wallet.
Oh. That's right.
My paycheck was in there.
Oh. Come and get it.
I see it's only
the stub.
So...
How did we get
From "I don't want to pay
$ for a delivery guy"
To here?
I don't know, joker.
You know what?
I got to say, though,
As an opponent,
you never played
the game so well.
Yeah.
Couldn't be prouder.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Well, you know,
belly face here
says,
"You've got to roll
with the punches."
Yeah, he was a big hit
at the last pta meeting.
All right, so...
Yeah?
Where are we?
Well, the way I see it,
You're unwilling to pay to have
the groceries delivered...
That's right.
But you're also unwilling
To go get them yourself.
Yes. So we're
at an impasse.
I don't have a problem
with that. Why do you?
Because we have to eat.
You make
an interesting point.
Oh, I have a compromise.
I hate that word.
Okay, how about we pay
for the grocery delivery
With the money we save
by canceling the spice channel?
Everybody stay calm!
You can keep
the delivery boy.
Aw, honey, thank you.
You're a very generous man.
Oh, look.
You got lipstick on me.
I look ridiculous.
Honey, I got to know.
What?
Would you have actually
gone into the party like that?
Baby, it wasn't
whether I was going
to go in or not.
It's how long
these shorts
would have stayed on.