01x03 - I Almost Drowned in a Chocolate Fountain

[bunniefuu]

Check it out.
I got an F on my Spanish midterm.

Why are you so happy about it?

Because Riley got an F too.

That means he's been paying as much
attention to me as I've been to him.

Failing Spanish is hard work.

How is failing Spanish hard work?

Every day, I show up late
so he'll definitely notice me.

Then I forget my textbook
so we have to share one.

And finally, I let the teacher catch us
passing notes

so she keeps us both after class.

That is hard work.

You must be exhausted.

That's why I sleep during History.

- Hey, Alex.
- Hey, Riley.

A bunch of us are going to this cool
restaurant, Medium Rare, on Friday night.

Wanna come?

Oh, sure, Medium Rare.
I go there all the time.

But it's new. Friday's opening night.

Oh, Medium Rare.
I thought you said Medium Roar.

You know, like, bigger than a kitten
and smaller than a lion.

You know, like a cougar.
Anyway, it's out by the zoo.

You can come too.

Well, I might as well, since my best friend
never took me to Medium Roar.

Look at that. All those hours
I didn't spend on studying totally paid off.

Oh, no. Here comes your brother.

I think he's coming over here.

Oh, he's so cute.
I never know what to say to him.

Just talk about current events.
He loves current events.

Hey, guys.

Alex failed her Spanish midterm.

Not that current.

Hey, guess who got asked out
on a date today, me or Justin.

Not Justin.

I'm more interested in learning
about what happened in Spanish class.

Yeah, we heard you failed.

That's right.

I did fail, but I can explain.

There I was,
studying as hard as I ever have.

But I couldn't concentrate,
because right outside that window,

the boys were playing paintball,

and I didn't wanna ruin their fun.

Paintball on the terrace?

I told you not to
because it chips the bricks.

Oh, now that you mention it,

I do remember you
saying something about that.

No, no, no.
No, no, no, we didn't play paintball.

What are pigeons eating nowadays?

You guys are gonna scrub that terrace
until those bricks sparkle.

Shiny bricks coming up.

I'm so sorry.

Your failing Spanish is all my fault.

Okay. You're right. It is your fault.

- It is?
- Of course it is.

I'm going to call your Spanish teacher

and tell her what a horrible role model
I've been.

Here I am, a proud Latina,

and I haven't been sharing
your Mexican heritage with you.

I should be speaking Spanish
around the house

and we should be making
our own homemade tortillas.

Oh, my gosh, that's a lot of work.

Let's just start with the Spanish, okay?

Mrs. Chow.

Thanks a lot, Alex.
You busted us for paintball.

- Well, you busted me for failing Spanish.
- I'm done with you.

Justin...

Done.

Yes, it is embarrassing.

Thank you. I mean, gracias.

Good news!
Mrs. Chow said she'd give you a re-test.

Great. You're not going anywhere
with your friends

until you get your grades up.

Jerry, this is my responsibility.

Don't worry, honey,
I'm gonna help you with your español.

Okay, that's fine,
but I really need help with my Spanish too.

Español is Spanish.

Español is Spanish for what?

This is gonna be hard.

No, it's not. It'll be easy.

We're gonna whip through this
and I'm gonna go on my date with Riley.

Two days to learn a whole language?

I got some Spanish for you:
No way, José.

José.

And finally, did you guys know
that in the magic world,

there's a place you can get information
on any subject quickly and easily?

You mean like the Internet?

Speaking of the Internet, when am I
getting a computer in my room?

It's cooler than the Internet, and never.

Come on, guys. Come on.

Check it out.

You just pull this lever
and it generates Pocket Elves

that have in-depth knowledge
on any subject

you could ever need to know about.

You just pull it,
and whatever Pocket Elf you want,

it comes sh**ting out
of the magic portal, huh?

Okay.

Awesome.

All right. Well, there you go.

You've got a wealth of knowledge
at your fingertips

and you played a fun game of catch.

Come on, guys.

The best way to teach you
about Pocket Elves

is from a Pocket Elf himself.

- Look at him.
- Oh, he's so cool.

Thanks, I know.

Good day, I am the Pocket Elf
who specializes in history

and use of Pocket Elves.

Now, Pocket Elves
are useful for research on everything

from magical illnesses
to magical creatures.

Any questions?

Yes, little lady in the attractive hat.

Are there Pocket Elves
for subjects non-magical?

Because of the Magic World
Equal Opportunity Act,

there are Pocket Elves on all subjects.

Shaquille O'Neal.

I know his Pocket Elf.

He owes me an autographed shoe
that I'm going to be living in.

Yes, boy with the ' s hair.

How many Pocket Elves
can you check out at once?

None. They're not library books.

Can I have some of that?

- Sure.
- No.

Wait. Give me...

It's gonna blow!

What are you doing?

Oh, did I mention that Pocket Elves
are not supposed to have chocolate?

What happens if he has chocolate?

To you and me,
chocolate is a delicious treat

often used to say sorry to a loved one.

But to this little guy,
it's like lighting a fuse on a crazy b*mb.

Then let's set this baby off
and give him some chocolate.

You know, in this controlled environment,
it might be helpful to the students

if someone were to give me
some chocolate,

purely for educational purposes.

- Sure, yeah, come on.
- All right.

For educational purposes, we'll do this.

Honey, grab me that box.

Legs up off the floor,
button your collars all the way up.

No open-toed shoes, right?

And whatever you do,
do not let a Pocket Elf bite you.

Before we get started, I just wanna say
thank you for the chocolate,

and I'm really sorry
for what you're about to see.

Hey, that's not supposed to happen.

Proceed to an exit in an orderly fashion.

- What's happening?
- Go. Go.

Okay, let's review.

Lampito.

It's okay.

Cupito.

Honey, just adding "ito" to a word
doesn't make it Spanish.

You say "como se dice" before everything.
Is that Spanish?

Oh, boy.

Maybe you'll have to spend
the summers with Grandma.

She does need help with the chickens.

But my test is tomorrow.

And if I don't pass, I won't be able
to go on my date with Riley on Friday.

I know, honey.

Maybe we can bake cookies on Friday.

What are you thinking
about wearing on Friday?

I think I'm gonna stick
with this whole fruit theme, you know?

I don't want us to be wearing
the same thing.

Oh, okay.
Well, you can wear it this time.

And the time after that.

We're set. And you've got
your Spanish re-test covered, right?

I'm taking it right now during study hall.
Consider this test passito.

Passito? Okay, see you later.

Yeah, she won't be there.

Señorita, you are so lucky to have me
as your Spanish-language Pocket Elf.

Keep quiet, elf.
You're here to cheat on my Spanish test.

Just stay in here and zip it.

A journal.

"Dear diary. Riley is such
a hottie with his new haircut."

Oops, my bad.

Okay, wake up, señorito. We're home.

Can I make you breakfast, chiquita?

Huevos rancheros?

Perhaps you can dine on that
while I enjoy some semi-sweet chocolate

that you give me.

Hey, your Spanish confuses me,
and I'm not giving you chocolate.

Good. It was a test, and you passed.

That's why I want
to grow old with you, chiquita.

Dad, finished cleaning the bricks.

You're not Dad.

Is that a Pocket Elf?

No. It's my retainer case.

You don't have a retainer.

You don't know what goes in my mouth.

And what a beautiful mouth it is,
señorita.

Oh, so you're so good at Spanish, you
taught your retainer case how to speak it.

Cheater.

I didn't cheat. I just...

Cheater.

I just used the Pocket Elf
to get the answers right on the test.

Okay, I cheated. So what?

"So what" is you're in trouble.

Come on, Justin. Please don't tell Dad.

Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't.

You ratted me out for paintball.
I spent the last two days cleaning bricks

and listening to Max sing "Brick House."

You know what?

I'm not gonna tell on you.

- Thanks.
- I'm gonna get even.

Yeah. Okay, that'll never happen.

Remember the last time
you got even with me?

I got the bigger bedroom,
and you got what?

Shotgun on that one trip
to the outlet mall.

Exactly. Some things never change.

Guess who got an A
on her make-up test.

Really? Oh, let me see that.

Wow, you even got
your subjunctive conjugations.

Oh, you know what the Spanish say...

Hey, Dad. Guess what.

I got an A on my make-up test,
and I'm gonna go on my date with Riley.

I wasn't expecting this.
I'm very disappointed.

That I passed?

Yeah.

Because now we have to have
the date talk.

All right, here goes.

A lot of times, when you're out alone
with a boy, he's thinking about...

- Alone? We're not gonna be alone.
- You're not?

No. Harper, Stacy, Jeff,
Cassandra, Terry, Samantha,

Chris, Noah and Kelly will be there too.

And you call that a date?

That's not what I called a date
when I was a kid.

What was a date when you were a kid?

You know what? You're right.
That is a date.

Is she still getting ready for her date?

Yeah. And she's gonna be a while too.

I tied all her belts in one big knot.

Now this is getting even.

When that Pocket Elf goes wild
on her date,

she'll wish she was home
making us cookies.

Here she comes.

Oh, Justin got even with me.

Tied all my belts together
so I'd be fashionably late for my date.

Wow, you got me. You're so clever.

Wow, I don't even know why I try.
You are too good for me.

Well, at least you can relax,
there's nothing else to worry about.

Yup, nothing's gonna go wrong
on your date

as long as you take your purse and...

All right, Dad, I'm leaving.

Okay, honey.

Have fun on your date.

It's so not a date.

Welcome to Medium Rare. How many?

Ten, but Lauren and Meg might come.
And if they do, Kelly will definitely leave.

And if Kelly leaves,
Stacy will call Frances, who will show up.

Which means I have to leave,
because we're fighting.

How many is that?

It's either ten, , or .

Follow me to your table
for ten, , or .

So I heard you got
your learner's permit.

- Oh, yeah, check it out.
- Yeah.

Oh, that's a great picture of you.
But you know what would make it better?

Me in it with you.

Oh, I don't think they do that.

You and Riley are so clicking.

He's totally cool.

And he can drive with a parent or guardian
during any daylight hour.

This is great. I bet that elf went crazy,

and Alex is flopping all over the floor,
looking as stupid as Dad did.

She's gonna be so embarrassed.

Yeah, we're geniuses.

How much chocolate
did you put in her purse?

About this much.

I was supposed to put this chocolate
in her purse.

That was your only part of the plan,
genius.

I told you not to trust me
with a complicated plan like this.

What's so complicated
about putting that chocolate in her purse?

That I had to remember
to put this chocolate in her purse.

Look.

We gotta get to that restaurant
and get that chocolate in her purse.

I was thinking, when I get my car,

I'm gonna get a little licence-plate
keychain with your name on it.

- Is that cool?
- I guess, if you want.

Harper, did you hear that?
He's gonna put my name on his keychain.

I'm gonna cry.

I promised I wouldn't cry.

There she is. Duck.

Excuse me. What are you doing?

Trying to figure out
how to get chocolate into that purse.

- Why?
- To mess with our sister.

I have a sister.

Get in.

Why did that just sh**t out
of her purse?

Okay.

As much as I want, I cannot.

Oh, great.
We picked the one elf that's on a diet.

Oh, come on, elf, eat it.

You know you want to.

Oh, this is good.

Oh, this is really good.

You guys probably wanna get away
from me right now.

Home, Jeeves.

- Alex, do you have any lip gloss?
- Let me look.

Something bit me.

What are you doing here?

And why did you bite me?

I'm eating chocolate
like there's no tomorrow.

And there may not be.

And you can't have any
You can't have any

I don't want any of your chocolate.

Oh, you will, baby.

You're gonna love it.

It didn't go crazy. It just bit her.

Oh, that's bunk.

I wanna get my ride in midnight blue.

Oh, yeah,
that would look great with my eyes.

- Can I have a bite of that?
- Sure.

What colour interior?

- I'm thinking tan leather.
- I'm more of a dark-leather person.

Can I have that?

Okay, sure.

You know what's not a good colour combo?
Our school colours.

Blue and gold.
That's why I'm not a cheerleader.

Besides, I'm not self-centred.

I should start a school petition to change
our colours to midnight blue and chocolate.

Oh, wait, that's not a straw.

That's an interesting story.

Hold that thought.

You were saying?

I wanna get the tyres for my ride
bigger in the back and smaller in the front.

It's called chopper style.

Oh, I hope it doesn't run on chocolate.

That would be a waste of chocolate.

Happy anniversary, you guys.

I knew you two would work out.
I love you guys.

Can I have some?

Oh, wait, I want that.

Is she okay?

You know us girls.
Gotta have our chocolate.

Now we're talking.

Does anyone know the chocolate slide?

Revenge is sweet.

And sticky.

That was fun.
What a nice break from chocolate.

Chocolate sounds good right now.

Listen, I just ordered the nachos,
so I think 's good.

She had a really nice time and she
totally wants to go out with you again.

- You want me to call your parents?
- That would be terrific.

I think they should see this.

And we had nothing to do with it.

And how long did you think
it was gonna be

before we figured out
you didn't know Spanish?

I really only needed you to think it
till the date was over,

so I'm good.

No. You are not good.

You almost exposed magic
to the real world.

Yes, and I've already punished myself,

because I embarrassed myself
in front of Riley

and he probably
won't ever text me again.

And the fact that you two were just
conveniently down at the restaurant.

You had something to do with it.

We were on our way to another place.

We stopped there on our way home.

- From where?
- From a place

that Max knows the name of.

Pass.

What is going on here?

Okay.

Look, here's what happened.

I called them
when things started to go wrong.

They just came down to help.
It's not their fault.

Fine, for now.

You, go hose off on the balcony.

- Fine.
- And you two, clean up when she's done.

We don't need ants.

Alex.

- Wow, thanks for not ratting us out.
- Don't thank me.

I didn't rat you out because I'm gonna
get even for you guys getting even.

Oh, no, her getting even
is way worse than telling.

- Dad, it was us!
- We gave it!

- We gave the elf chocolate!
- We did it.