02x01 - Smarty Pants

[bunniefuu]

Oh, we respect her.
It's you we don't respect.

Anyhoo...

See, we don't respect you,
'cause you say things like that.

Oh, yay. I'm in the Wizards' Lair,

or as I like to call it,
"the garage sale that never happened."

OK, guys, now listen up.

Dad wants me to teach
the lesson today

while he's away at the No
Wizard Left Behind Conference.

So, let's get this over with.
OK, uh...

What is wizard wear?

Max.

Alex is on my side of the bench.

You don't own the bench, Max.

That side, I do.

You are being childish!

Don't make me stand up!

That's it. I quit!

Justin, it's all yours.

She, uh, lasted a lot longer
than Dad said she would.

Today, we continue with
magical wizard garments.

Having covered...

...armor, we move on to sportswear.

This is a speed shirt,

it gives you supersonic speed.

Does it grow your hair really long?

Speed shirt.

Now watch how fast I can
run into the sub shop,

make a sandwich and come back.

OK. Ready?

Done!

No way.

Yes way.

Wow.

You forgot the cheese.

Oh! Hang on.

Is that enough cheese for you?
I think so.

Nice.

OK. Item two...

It's called a "Night Cap."

Whoever wears it falls
asleep instantly.

Well, are you going
to keep teaching?

'Cause I wanna be asleep
for that. Hand it over.

Oh, I'm tempted, but then you
wouldn't know about these.

Smarty Pants.

They give whoever wears them
superior knowledge on anything

and everything there is to know.

I'd put them on, but I'm
already smarter than them.

Ooh, you're smarter than pants.
Good for you.

Now pay attention while I read off

some of the possible
side effects of keeping

the pants on too long.
Side effects may be:

Headache, nausea, rash, chronic giggling,
belly-button bubbles,

"say it don't spray it" disease,

tongue reversal,
ear gas, sweaty knees,

Picasso face,
problems with the bowel...

All right, lesson's over.
Come on, Max.

I think I'm gonna stay

- and draw on his face.
- OK, cool.

♪ Well you know everything's
gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ And the end will no doubt,
justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem
with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes please But you might find
out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report
on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers
you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you
wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you
want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not... ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

Alfred, the plan was,
if you're going to be ref,

you wouldn't have thrown
me out of the game.

Hey, when I put this shirt on,
the friendship goes away.

Hey, look at the line
for the water fountain.

Oh, wow.

Hey, Zeke, what's with the line?
Are the other ones broken?

Nope. The water that comes out of
this one is the best in the school.

I don't get it. Water is water.

I beg to differ.
This water is delicious.

Excuse me, sheriff's in town.

Step away from the watering hole.

Now that is some fine H- - .

If I could figure out a
way to bottle this stuff,

I could make a fortune.

You can bottle it.

Alfred, don't bother me.
I'm thinking.

Hey, Alex. Are you as excited as
I am about the Tribeca Quiz Bowl?

Oh, my gosh! No!

You're excited.

Who wouldn't be?
It's an academic decathlon.

And when I take my team to victory,

people are gonna know me as Harper,

the girl who's got the brains,

and not just Harper,
the girl who's the fashion dynamo.

Harper, if you want people
to notice that you're smart,

you might want to wear
a little less produce.

That's not gonna happen.

Papayas just came into season.

Well, I'd like to be known as Alex,

the girl who doesn't
care what she's known as.

- You are known as that.
- I don't care.

See? It looked like I really didn't
care there for a second. It was good.

Oh my gosh, there's Dean.
I hope he knows me.

Dean Moriarty?

You don't want to know him.

I hear he plays with firecrackers.

Dean Moriarty.

I was wondering if you could
be a good little kemo sabe

and rustle up some students
to help gussy up the gym

for the big Quiz Bowl this year.

You gotta slow down, Mr. Laritate.

I'm only in my first
semester of cowboy.

All right, Dean. You and your whole
posse are all on set-up patrol.

Hey, setting up might be all right.
What time should we be there?

What? You'll do it?

That was a lasso toss in the dark.

I'll meet you at : .

Moriarty, you're
turning into a citizen.

Looks like I'll be helping set up
the gym for Quiz Bowl this year.

Why do I have a feeling you're just
doing that to get to know Dean?

'Cause I'm making
it pretty obvious.

- Hey, Dean.
- What's up, Russo?

- Yeah, what's up, Russo?
- She's cool.

She's cool. She's cool.
Clear some space.

So, um, I hear you're setting up
the gym for Quiz Bowl this year.

That's kind of my thing,
maybe we should talk about that

and see how it's going to work.
Wanna thumb wrestle for it?

Cute.

Oh, I know.

Most chicks don't like to get down
and dirty with how things work.

They usually just make
posters and gossip.

Really? 'Cause it sounds like you're
gossiping about chicks right now.

I'll be setting up
the big boy stuff.

I'll get you some cardboard and
you can make yourself a poster.

So, uh, Dean,
what are you thinking?

I think I'm setting up for
the Quiz Bowl with Russo

while you guys are making posters.

Got it, Dean.

Guys, we get to make posters!

Yeah!

- Whatcha doin'?
- What's it look like I'm doing?

- I'm making a pizza.
- Watch it.

I own sarcasm and didn't give
you permission to use it.

Cute.

Get used to it.

OK, so, um,
what do you want me to do?

You can finish wiring the
last buzzer for me. - OK.

Green goes to red goes to blue, goes to
blue-red goes to green-red goes to
blue-green.

Uh, OK, I missed all of that.
But, yeah, I'll figure it out. It's good.

Oh, hey, Harper. Nice headband.
Are those real grapes?

No. The real grapes didn't
survive the washing machine.

But you know what?

It took this...

...to figure out this.

Yes, it did, Harper.

Do you mind if my team
practices our buzzer technique?

Let me just hook this up first.

And... Oh, that looks pretty. OK.

All right, Team Maroon...
ready positions!

This dangerous South
American spider

is often found in boxes of exported fruit,
particularly bananas.

Does anyone else's hair feel hot?

What's happening?

Don't look at me, I'm a girl.
I was just making posters.

Thank you very much, Alex.

Nellie dropped out
of the Quiz Bowl.

That whole buzzer
accident freaked her out.

Oh, waa waa. She looks better
with her hair up anyway.

Maybe if you weren't so concerned
with getting to know Dean,

you would've hooked the
wires up the right way.

Now, now, don't go blaming Dean,
I would've jacked that up anyway.

And besides, can't you just get
someone to fill in for Nellie?

No. Everyone in school is already on
their teams, so we have to forfeit.

Justin's team is
probably gonna win now.

Now I'll never get
a new reputation.

It's really hard being known
just as the glamour girl.

I wish you were smart,
then you could fill in for Nellie.

I am smart.

- I'm street smart.
- But not book smart.

I am, too, book smart.

Sure, I don't read books, but I hollow
them out and hide things in them.

Hey, Harper. Heard about
Nellie's little, uh, "accident."

Thank you, Alex. - Yeah, nice work.
Way to zap the competition.

Hey, just because you're
winning through "forfeit,"

doesn't mean you really win.
That's not a satisfying victory.

Oh, well, I'm pretty satisfied,
how about you Zeke?

I'm very satisfied,
thanks for asking.

- Miss me high and hit me low.
- That's what I'm talking about.

Oh!

Well, guess what?
You tools didn't win.

Harper's team doesn't have to
forfeit because I just joined it.

You? Come on, Alex.
You got a "D" in lunch.

Ooh! Ouch! Fly it
by and hit me high!

Oh!

Oh, please.

The Quiz Bowl is just a glorified
trivia game. I know stuff.

You know what? Beating you in this
competition will be a delight.

And to make things fair,

- which I should,
- Mm-hmm.

I'll even loan you my ,
hand-written cross-referenced

index cards of informacionica!

Does one of those cards tell you
not to answer the phone, "Yello?"

I can't wait for
this Quiz Bowl now.

Zeke, are you feeling the need to
do what I'm feeling the need to do??

- The need to blog about it?
- Oh, yes!

Alex, what are you doing?

You're just going to embarrass
yourself in front of everyone.

I'm gonna have to hit the books.

OK, but not the ones
that are hollowed out.

No.

Warning! Warning!

- The prolonged use of Smarty Pants...
- Shh! OK, we get it!

may cause side effects,
such as: headache, nausea,

rash, skeleton legs,
belly-button bubbles,

"say it don't spray it" disease,

smelly feet, yellow toes,
flaky hair...

Oh, now I know how to shut you up.

...scaly pits...

Knowing stuff is so cool.

What are you doing?

Remember how people loved
the water-fountain water?

I hauled this whole bucket
of it home from school.

Now I'm going to bottle it,

and I'm gonna sell it back to them.

Why are you going
to all this trouble?

Why don't you just
sell them bottled water

and tell them it's
from the fountain?

It all tastes the same.

We know you have a lot of
choices for your fountain water,

and we're glad you chose us.

You guys are waiting in line
to buy this fountain water

because you don't want to wait at the
fountain, meanwhile there's no line at the
fountain.

Hey, hey! There's no line here now.

Hey, guys! When we're
done with these,

we can use our empties to fill
up at the fountain for free.

- We just lost our business.
- What are we going to do?

We gotta come up with something.

Panic and run.
It's never not worked.

Oh my gosh,

this is such a big turnout!

I guess there's no point in
waiting around for more people...

OK, calico kittens!

Let's get ready to Qu-izzzzz Bowl!

Quiz Bowl? What are we doing here?

Uh... I, uh...

I just wanted to come by to,
uh, see your poster.

- Really?
- Sure.

One, two, three, win!

Why are you rolling
those stretchies up?

They're cute and really stand out,

which a sign of a
really good stretchy.

Oh! It's just hot in here,
you know?

But, uh, remember,
this isn't about me.

This is about everybody getting to
appreciate you for your brains and not just
your...

- ...oranges.
- They're tangelos!

But, thank you.

Teams ready?

Have some fun, take your time

and remember, there are no losers.

Only winners and the
people that aren't them.

Question number one,
what umbrella term

refers to the diseases of
the heart and blood vessels?

Cardiovascular disease.

Correct.

Nice, you studied.

Yeah, that's what I did.

Next question.

How many distinct codon
sequences are there

in an RNA messenger molecule?

Eight or two cubed.

What did we say, Zeke?

"If it's a guess, it's a mess."

Sixty-four or four cubed.

And Bingo was his name-o!

You can't see through these cards,
can you, Russo?

Wow. How'd you know that?

You're the one who said I studied.
Why are you asking me?

Mr. Laritate, I should
get credit for this!

She studied off of
my study cards...

OK, look, I think we all
established that I studied.

Mr. Laritate,
question three, please.

Question three...

Archimedes' Principle.

, , micro-meters...

Puppets.

The Japanese pronunciation is,

Dah-reh-kah ay-ee-goh
gah hah-nah-seh-mas-kah?

My... study... cards.

What are you doing? You answered
every single question in that round.

Isn't that what you wanted?
You're on the winning team.

Strong showing in round one,
Team Maroon.

Or should I say Team Ma-Russo?

No, no, no. Please,
don't say Team Russo.

Say Team Harper.
Come on, Harper! Harper! Harper!

Are you kidding me? Would it hurt
you to play along? Really? Really?

Ah, the sweet smell of modesty.

Looks like this isn't your
first rodeo, buckaroo.

You better be careful or you may wind up
with a brand new reputation around here.

And we all know how
hard it is to do that.

Harper, I know you're mad,
I'm sorry,

I'll step back and
let you close it out.

It's much better to be
known as the closer.

Fine. But if I have to go another year
with the same reputation, it's all on you.

That's it. Who else's
study cards are you using?

You answered questions in there that,
that weren't even on mine.

Since when did you become
such a smarty pants?

Smarty Pants! You're totally
wearing Smarty Pants!

I am not.

- I'm telling Mr. Laritate.
- Wait. Wait!

What are you going to tell him?
That I have magic pants?

Yes, I am.

- No, I'm not.
- No, you can't.

Hey, Maxy. How's homework going?

- It's going.
- Enough jibber-jabber.

Let's cut to it. Alfred's Mom
called me and he sang like a canary.

Oh, man! I knew I shouldn't have
taught him that dirty canary song.

Why would you think you
could get away with

selling fountain water
next to the fountain?

I don't know. You buy bottled water
and there's a faucet right over there.

Well, because bottled water
is cleaner and it's portable,

You can take it somewhere and
drink it whenever you want.

Oh. Sort of like those little puppies
that you can fit in your purse?

No, nothing like that.

But come on, they're pretty cute.

Look, if you want to sell something
that people can otherwise get for free,

you have to add something to
it so that it's more valuable.

Valuable, I got it. Thanks, Mom.

You're welcome, sweetie.

Now, let's talk about
this dirty canary song.

Good, because I need a second verse.
Let me go get my songbook.

Thank you, Zeke. Here's your water

and... Alfred!

Here's your puppy.

I don't think I want a puppy.

I'm adding value. If you don't
take it, it's a rip-off.

- Get your Puppy Water!
- Get your Puppy Water!

- Get your Puppy Water.
- Water with a puppy!

Question one. Algebra.

What are the polar coordinates of the
point whose Cartesian coordinates are:

Oh-three.

Alex Russo.

Of course, Alex Russo.

Three pi over two.

Yippee pi-ay-yay!

I'm sorry. I can't help it.

Save it. I knew I
couldn't trust you.

All I wanted is to look
smart in front of everyone

and then you,
of all people, show me up.

What is a calorie?

If you answer that, I quit.

I won't answer it.

The amount of energy needed

to raise one cubic centimeter
of water one degree Celsius.

I'm sorry.

Correct!

That's it. I quit.

Wait, Harper...

- No, no! Harper, wait.
- Finkel, Russo.

This is a Quiz Bowl,
not a Drama Bowl.

Let's bring it back into the barn.

- OK. Next question...
- No, wait. Time out. Time out.

Wait, can you call a
time out in a Quiz Bowl?

Not according to the Quiz Bowl rules.
Ask the question!

- She's away from the buzzer!
- I have something to say.

With a point lead,
I will allow the time out.

The rest of this Quiz Bowl
is under protest! - Yeah!

The only reason why I did this whole
Quiz Bowl thing was to help out a friend.

I'm not going to
let my friend down.

I'll do whatever it takes...

... no matter how
embarrassing it is.

Some of you may not want to look.

Hey, Dean. She's taking her
pants off. Should we look?

No.

Alex! You kept the
pants on too long!

- What?
- Skeleton legs!

Was that on the list of side
effects that I didn't listen to?

Well, when in doubt,
dance out, huh?

OK.

- This is good.
- Come on!

Thank you, Alex. After you left,
Nellie stepped back in.

And I brought it home
in a real nail biter.

Wow, so you won.
I never would have guessed.

I owe you big time.

And I was thinking,
a skeleton shirt

to go with those skeleton tights.

Yes! Skeleton tights.

That's totally believable.
Spread that around. Please.

Mom, how'd it go?
Am I in big trouble?

It's weird. Your principal
started to talk about you,

and then he got a phone call
about some dirty canary song

sweeping through the sev