01x17 - First Kiss

[bunniefuu]

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

My incredible sense of smell
tells me that's a caramel.

Oh. Ugh.

- Cherry cordial.
- Really?

Maybe you should get a dog.

I need help. I don't know
what to put on Harvey's valentine.

- What do you have so far?
- "Dear Harvey." But I don't like it.

SALEM:
I can help you with this one.

Put "You rock my world."
Guys love that.

Maple buttercream. Yuck.

- Who got chocolates?
- You did. From Dirk, the mailman.

How sweet.

Yeah, but there are hardly
any caramels. Does this look like one?

- Only one way to find out.
- Sabrina.

- Marzipan.
- Okay, now this one.

- Mm-mm.
- Quit touching them.

Use a spell.

- There.
- That was easy.

Yeah, takes all the mystery
out of life.

Happy Valentine's Day.
Watch out for Cupid.

- One, two, three.
- One, two, three.

Wow, yours is so big.

And yours is so cute.
"Happy Val Day, Sab."

I thought Sab would be
a cool nickname for you.

- Really?
- Who am I kidding?

My valentine started out
just as big as yours

but I kept trying to make it even,
and it got smaller and smaller.

But I love it. It's very symmetrical.

See, that's what I was going for.
I love symmetry.

Things just look nicer that way.

Like your face.
It's really symmetrical.

[BELL RINGS]

The bell. We're late.
To be continued?

Yeah. Happy Val Day, Sab.

Well, thanks for walking me home.

Maybe I should walk you in.

Make sure you get
to the living room okay.

I'd like that.

- Well, here we are.
- We made it.

Um, since you came this far,
you wanna stay and hang out?

Sounds like fun.

Okay, wait here.
I'll just go see if my aunts are around.

[COMPUTER BEEPING]

- Salem, what are you doing?
- Nothing.

You're in a chat room again
pretending to be a woman, aren't you?

- I like the attention.
- Well, say goodbye.

Harvey's here.
You better start acting cattier.

- Mean.
- Where are my aunts?

They went to the Goya exhibit
at the museum.

Did you know Zelda
was one of his models?

Didn't know, don't care.

- Hey.
- Hm?

- Got anything to eat?
- I was just checking.

- Wow. Great kitchen.
- Yeah.

Do you like canapés?

As much as the next guy.

- Let's go back in the living room.
- Oh, I'll grab the cat.

We can make him chase
the light reflected off my watch.

No. Uh, he's not allowed
in the living room.

- Very bad shedding problem.
- Really?

Better if he just stays here
and minds his own business.

Like I don't have anything better to do
than spy on her.

Wait, I don't.

Isn't Annie Leibovitz cool?
She knows everybody.

Oh, look at this one.
Whoopi Goldberg in a bathtub of milk.

I wonder if they warmed it
before she got in.

I'm sure. She's a star.

- Whoa.
- What was that?

Uh-oh. Sparks are flying.

You know, I don't wanna look
at this book anymore.

What do you wanna do?

- Kiss you?
- Okay.

SALEM: No!
- Salem.

- What's with your cat?
- I don't know. I'll go talk to him.

I mean, feed him. Ha! Be right back.

You little sneak. How dare you?
I can't believe you were spying on me.

And it's a good thing I was.
You can't kiss Harvey.

Just watch me.
And that's a figure of speech.

But something horrible could happen.
Didn't your aunts tell you?

- The sparks were a warning.
- A warning? Of what?

You shouldn't hear it from your cat.
Just trust me.

Do not kiss Harvey.

Salem, are you being sincere?

Yes. And it pains me to do it.

Okay, I won't kiss Harvey.

But if you're making this up,
I swear you will be neutered.

Slowly.

- Harvey.
- Yeah?

You have to go.
There's an emergency.

- What's wrong?
- My cat's sick. He needs an operation.

- Can I do anything?
- No, we're gonna use a certified vet.

I'll see you tomorrow.
Maybe we could go to a movie?

Sounds great.

Just great.

- This one's going on the fridge.
SALEM: How was the museum?

It's so funny.

They're selling postcards
of Zelda, nude.

- Well, hello.
- Excuse me, it's art.

And according to that guy
in the raincoat

who was staring at me,
"A masterpiece."

I don't understand
why I can't kiss Harvey.

This is what I heard:

"Rido-hunti-manned-wicken-ickus,
Harvey."

Slow down.

I said, why can't I kiss Harvey?

Got it that time.

Sabrina, have a seat.
We need to talk.

Nothing good ever comes of talking.

You see, when a witch kisses a mortal
for the first time,

the mortal turns into a frog.

A frog?
Look, if you guys don't like Harvey--

No, no, no, we like him. Otherwise,
we wouldn't be warning you.

If I kiss Harvey, he turns into a frog.

It sounds like something
out of a fairy tale.

- They had to get it from somewhere.
- Think they make that stuff up?

- So I can never kiss Harvey?
- Not without transmogrifying him.

That's not a good thing.

My life is ruined.
I hate being a witch.

Oh, no, it's not so bad.

I went through high school
without kissing.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

ZELDA: Can we come in?
SABRINA: Sure.

HILDA: Can we turn on the light?
SABRINA: If you must.

We've been doing some research
that we think you should know about.

We checked the handbook,
and since you're half mortal

there's only a - chance
that Harvey will turn into a frog.

So that's good news?

Well, there's a percent chance
that it's good news

and a percent chance
that it's bad.

It's sort of a coin toss.

- Here, flip it. You'll see what we mean.
- Okay.

Heads he stays Harvey.
Tails he's a frog.

Tails.

Maybe two out of three.

Heads.

- Tails. Uh!
- Why the "uh"?

Out of a hundred tries,
it came up heads and tails.

What are the odds
of that happening?

Don't ask me.
I was an English major.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who could that be?

I'm not expecting company, are you?

It's Harvey, and I look like laundry.

- There.
- Chic.

Hi, what are you doing here?

Don't you remember?
Yesterday, I said I'd see you tomorrow.

- And today's tomorrow.
- Right.

- So you still wanna go to a movie?
- Sure. Wait.

They keep those theatres
kind of dark, don't they?

I'd better go ask my aunt. Stay here.

Harvey's here and he wants to go
to the movies. What should I do?

See Shine.
Everybody's raving about it.

You know what I mean.

I see no reason why two friends
can't go to the movies.

- Right, two friends.
- Just be careful.

Would it help if I gave him
a bad-breath spell?

No. I still have to sit next to him.

Can we crunch those numbers
one more time?

I checked with MIT.
They're still - .

Well, let me know if they change.

- All right, let's go.
- Great.

I'm really looking forward to this.

Me too, old buddy, old pal.

So, what kind of movie
are you up for?

Something with a lot
of random property damage.

- Vindicator just opened.
- Perfect.

Let me help you with that.
They're kind of tricky.

There.

You look really pretty tonight.

Thanks, so do you. Let's go.

Now, is he the real vindicator
or the replicant?

Heads. I'm sorry, what did you say?

It's not important.
Whoever he is, now he's dead.

Hey.

You look really pretty tonight.

Oh, better get more popcorn.

- Here you go.
- Heads. All right.

Why do you keep flipping that coin?

Well, if it comes up heads
a hundred times in a row, I win a prize.

Tails. Stupid eagle.

Hey, you know what the best part
of that movie was?

The end credits
with the Lou Reed song?

No.

Seeing it with you.

Thanks.

You look really pretty tonight.

Muffin?

Well, that was fun.
The best time two friends could have.

Well, nothing left to say,
so good night and Godspeed.

Sabrina, can we talk?

What about?

Has something changed
between us?

What do you mean?

Well, maybe I'm reading
too much into this,

but yesterday I got the feeling

that you wanted to kiss me.

And today, I feel like you don't.

No, Harvey. It's just--

See, I--

I can't explain.

It's all right. You don't have to.

I mean, if that's what you want,
we can just be...friends.

I think that would be the best
for both of us.

All right, I'll walk you to the door.

Man, I really wanted to kiss you.

- Harvey?
- Yeah?

You're still here.

I'll always be here for you, Sab--

I was afraid you'd say that.

- Help! Help!
SALEM: What's the matter?

- I turned Harvey into a frog.
- Oh, no.

- You're not helping with that music.
- Sorry.

I thought you were going
to just be friends.

I tried but I failed. And now
we're not even the same species.

Well, first things first.
Let's keep him moist.

And secondly, there's still hope.

- Right. The true-love clause.
- What's that?

There's a test you can take
to determine if it's true love.

And if it is, Harvey will change back
into a person.

- And if it isn't?
- You'll be changed into a frog.

Aren't those stakes kind of high?

I mean, Harvey's super cute
and I really like him,

but how am I supposed to know
if it's true love?

Do you think about him
when he's not around?

- Yeah.
- And does your heart beat faster

when you see him walking
down the hall?

- Yeah.
- Does it bother when he chews gum?

- No.
- Then it might be true love.

I'm taking the test.

Is it multiple choice?

- Where are we?
HILDA: The National Institute of Love.

Normally, it's very clinical,
but they go all out for Valentine's Day.

Wow, they really take
their colour scheme seriously.

I'll sign you in.

Drell should be here any minute.

- Drell gives the test?
- Yeah.

And it's kind of strange
us seeing each other today.

The th anniversary
of our nd break-up.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

Oh, here he comes.

Hello, ladies.

- And Hilda.
- Drell.

So, Sabrina, you're here
to take the test of true love, huh?

- Yes, I am.
- The test is in three parts.

Each one more horrifying
than the last.

- Are you scared?
- A little.

Smart. Now, we have
a standard release form here.

The Council is, of course,
not responsible

for loss of hair,
dignity or personal items.

Just sign right here.

If you want collision, initial the box.

Don't fall for that. It's a rip-off.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

- What was that?
- You just signed your life away.

- So you all set?
- Yeah, where do I start?

You start at Door Number .

- Good luck.
- Follow your heart.

- Don't let Harvey dry out.
- Come on.

Please welcome Sabrina Spellman.

Oh, what is this?

Part one of your test
is The True Love Game.

Here. Sit down.

Would you like to meet
your three Harveys?

"Harveys"? I like this game.

Gentlemen, let's give
your best hellos to Sabrina.

- Hey, Sabrina.
- Hey, Sabrina.

- Hey, Sabrina.
- Hi, Harveys.

How well do you know the person
you think you're in love with?

Let's find out.
And here are the questions.

All right, um, this question
is for Harvey Number :

"If I were a princess trapped in a tower,
how would you rescue me?"

Well, the thought of you
makes me walk on air,

so I'd float right up
and whisk you away.

That's sweet. And Harvey Number ,
what would you do?

Blow up the tower.

Okay.

Um, this question's
for Harvey Number :

"Describe Harvey Number 's
best and worst feature."

- Well, he has really nice sideburns.
- Thanks, man, you too.

- Hey, what about me?
- They're okay.

Come on, guys.
Let's just go on, please?

Okay, this question is for all of you.
"What's your favourite triangle?"

These don't tell me anything.

Nobody said the test would be easy.

Harvey Number , your triangle?

- Obtuse.
- And why?

- I don't know.
- Harvey Number ?

Scalene, definitely scalene.

And Harvey Number ,
what's your favourite kind of triangle?

Equilateral.
I like that it's symmetrical.

That's him. That's my Harvey.
Harvey Number .

That's right, Sabrina,
and you've passed part one.

Whoo-hoo!

I passed!

- Congratulations.
- Way to go.

Well, you passed
the test of friendship.

True love can't exist
without friendship.

They make me say that.

I'm pumped. What's next?

- Door Number .
- Okay.

Wish me luck, Harvey.

Oh, even as a frog, he's cute.

Come on, Harvey.
Let's go check the trellis for bugs.

So, what's new in the life

of the most powerful man
in the universe?

I finally moved out
of my parents' basement.

- Really?
- Yeah. You were right.

- I should have done it centuries ago.
- I told you.

- So you've got your own place?
- Yeah.

- I'd love to come see it some time.
- Oh, that'd be great.

Especially if you brought
some furniture.

Hello? Anybody?

Is this a test for patience?

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Is anyone sitting here?
- No, go ahead.

Great.

I'm Zak.

- So are you here to take the test?
- Yeah. I wish they'd hurry.

Uh, could be a while,
so you should just relax.

Sun feels good, huh?

Yeah, it's kind of cool to lay by the pool
in the middle of February.

Yeah. You know, those sunglasses
are great on you.

You look like
a blond Audrey Hepburn.

I love Audrey Hepburn.

Which one of her movies
is your favourite?

Well, I'd have to say Sabrina.
I just love the name.

You're kidding. That's my name.

Oh. So, Sabrina, are you hungry?

I hadn't thought about it,
but I guess maybe a little.

How about a piece
of delicious chocolate cake?

- Wow, that looks amazing.
- Oh, it is. Here, have a little bite.

I don't know.
I had a pretty big muffin earlier.

Oh, come on.
One little taste couldn't hurt.

That's true.

You look really pretty tonight.

Wait, you're trying to make me
forget about Harvey, aren't you?

Harvey? Who's Harvey?

Oh, you're a sly one. But I can't
eat cake when Harvey's in trouble.

- Yes, you can.
- No, I can't.

- Eat it.
- No.

[BELL RINGING]

- That was the test. You passed.
- I did? Whoo-hoo!

How about one bite to celebrate?

What do you take me for?

I passed and I got
some colour on my cheeks.

Nicely done.
You passed the test of fidelity.

You resisted temptation. Something
that tests every relationship.

- Zelda, do you mind? This is my gig.
- Sorry.

One more door
and we're out of here.

Not so fast.
The next test is really dangerous

and our insurance carrier requires
that you read this pamphlet.

"So you're going to be a frog?"

I'll go over it with you, honey.

What you thinking?

- You're asking me?
- Yeah.

Can't a guy ask a girl
what she's thinking?

I was just wondering, do you think
our old flame is still burning?

- Well, there's one way to find out.
- You still have it?

Yeah. No one bought it
at the garage sale.

- It's over here.
- You open it. I'm afraid to look.

Yes, the old flame is still burning.

After all these years.

You could warm soup over it.

Maybe what we had was special.

- I'm gonna take the test of true love.
- For me?

- For us.
- I'll be waiting.

Maybe this could be the beginning
of something wonderful.

Drell, you rock my world.

I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl.

Say hello to Hilda Spellman.

Groovy.

All right, guys,
give your best hello to Hilda.

Hi, Hilda.

- Hilda, baby.
- Yo, Hilda.

Hi, Drell. I think I already know.

- Cool your jets. That's not how we play.
- Sorry.

Drell Number , "If you were
a condiment what would you be?"

- Stupid question.
- Ketchup, ketchup. Say ketchup.

Mustard, so I could
spice up your life.

That's him. That's my Drell.

Incorrect. Game's over.

- Number ?
- No.

- Number ?
- I said it's over.

- No, it's not.
- Security.

- What, no canned applause?
- Sorry.

I finished the pamphlet.

So you decided
what kind of frog you wanna be?

- Yeah, I selected the flying tree frog.
- Excellent choice.

Then it's time for the last test.
But this one isn't easy, like the others.

Good luck and don't be nervous.

I'm not nervous.

I mean, I know it's true love,

so therefore,
I have no reason to be nervous.

Push. Don't pull. Push.

- Hello, is anybody here?
HARVEY: Sabrina?

Harvey, where are you?

I'm not sure. It's dark in here.
See if you can find a light switch.

Wait, here's one.

I don't like this. What's going on?

It's a test of faith.

You have to get to me.

Does the Safe Road come out
anywhere near you?

No, I think it dead-ends
in the suburbs.

Then there's only one way.

Scared.

Hot.

Really scared. Really hot.

[SABRINA SCREAMS]

Stand back! It's not worth it!

Yes, it is. I can do this.

I made it. Oh, Harvey.

All that for a hologram?

I did it. I passed. It is true love.

Oh, Sabrina, that's wonderful.

I have to admit. I had my doubts,

but now I can shout it to the world
I have a true love.

Oh, rub it in. Take your frog and go.

But I passed.
Why is Harvey still a frog?

There's one final detail.

To change him back, you have
to return to the scene of the kiss

- and kiss him again.
- I have to kiss a frog?

That is so gross.

Teenagers. They'll jump through
flames, but ask them to kiss a frog...

- Would you go?
- Come on.

- Wait, where's Aunt Hilda?
- Shh. Don't ask.

Mm. Zak, this pecan pie is fabulous.

It's ever better than the cheesecake.

Is that meringue?

Your lips are all slimy.

It worked. That was great.

Oh, I know. That's why
I've been trying to kiss you all night.

Could we try it again?
I think I might enjoy it more this time.

Me too. I have to admit,
I was pretty nervous.

ZELDA: Aren't they cute?
SALEM: Yeah. I'm glad she passed.

But I still can't believe
you let her take that risk.

- There was no risk. I knew she'd pass.
- You did?

At , it's always true love.

Why didn't you tell her?

Because now,
she thinks it's extra special.

- Hi, Sab.
- Harvey.

I just found out I don't have
basketball practise,

so if you want,
I can give you a ride home.

And miss getting stuff thrown at me
on the bus? Hmm.

- Okay.
- Great.

- Then I'll meet you here at : .
- Great.

- See you.
- See you.

- Harvey.
- Yeah?

It's kind of too bad you don't
have basketball practise today.