02x23 - Disneyworld

[bunniefuu]

[KRAFT SIGHS]

What is this obsession
you young people have with joy?

I blame the media.

Well, final examinations are just
around the corner, young man,

and you cannot afford
to waste one minute

on this hedonistic frolicking.

Oh...

Maybe I should study.

I didn't understand a word he said.

Buy a candy bar to help with
the janitor's hip replacement?

Aren't you trespassing
on government property?

No. I'm here to inform you
that you can expect

a very big witch exam
sometime soon.

Does it involve changing
the Earth's orbit?

Because the last time I tried that
a little thing called El Niño happened.

Well, I can't tell you when,
but I can tell you where.

KRAFT: I don't know why
they can't accept the misery

that should be their lives.

Class trip to Florida.

We're going to Disney World!

[CHEERING]

Put them up! Put them up!

Put up your feet
and watch our show.

[GRUNTS]

I am so glad we're chaperoning
this trip to Disney World.

I love Splash Mountain
more than life itself.

What's your favourite part?

There's a paleontological dig at
the new Animal Kingdom Theme Park,

and it just sounds fascinating.

Only you could make the happiest
place on earth sound dry and clinical.

I like bones.

They're fake. Disney? Remember?

I know that.

But I also happen to know
that the area

was inhabited by real dinosaurs
at one time.

If they were alive today,
they'd ride the rides.

Well, we should get to the airport.
Salem, we're leaving.

Don't forget to feed the cat.

Ha, ha. I love saying that. Ha-ha-ha.

Where is the cat, anyway?

Well, it's : . He's probably
upstairs watching Regis.

[CHUCKLING]

I can't believe we're here.

VALERIE: This is so exciting. Ha.
HARVEY: I know.

You think Mr. Kraft
has a brain lesion?

Why is it that cool people
never show any emotion?

I mean, no matter how great
the situation,

- they never seem like they have fun.
- I know. Why can't I be like them?

Because you have blood
in your veins.

From now on I'm gonna be cool.

I'm gonna hide
how much fun I'm having.

Uh, Room :
Spellman and Birkhead.

- You are roommates.
- Yes, yes, yes! Yes.

Don't do that.

I wish I were a cool person
so I could make fun of me right now.

So I told Harvey we'd meet him
in front of the Tree of Life.

Okay. Then we should go
to Harambe, Africa.

It's in the deepest, darkest
part of the continent.

- Right next to the gift shop. Heh.
- Heh.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

MAN:
Room service.

- I didn't order anything, did you?
- No.

- Hey.
- Oh, wait, I did order something. Um...

You know what? Why don't, um,
you go ahead,

and I'll meet up with you and Harvey
right after I finish my liquorice.

Okay.

- I only like red.
- Who said it's for you?

Now, okay, here's your exam:

You're on a survival mission.

You have to brew a potion
capable of turning yourself

into an animal, and another
potion that will turn you back.

I already know how to do that.

You have to do it without
the use of your finger.

Okay, now you're not getting a tip.

It's in case you're lost
in an unknown land,

your fingers are broken,

and you need to become
an animal in order to survive.

How many witches
has this happened to before?

One. And Slow Bob has
never been the same since.

Now, here's your list
of required ingredients.

Mostly plants.

Tropical plants,

- which would explain Florida.
- Exactly.

Now, you only have
until the end of today

to complete this critical test.

You fail it, and you won't
get your witch's license.

That means no rides.

Great. Well, why don't you
just take me to Paris

and not let me eat the food?

VALERIE:
This is amazing.

This tree has animals
carved into it.

HARVEY:
One of them looks like Ed Asner.

[VALERIE CHUCKLES]

I wonder where Sabrina is.

How much room-service liquorice
did she order?

Never mind.

Hey, Harvey.
You sure look nice today.

- Thanks.
- Especially by comparison.

Libby, the Jungle Cruise
wants its shrunken head back.

Oh, I'm sorry,
that's your actual head.

How does it feel being unpopular
in a tropical setting?

So ready to explore?

Actually, there's been
a little change on that front.

See, I suddenly realised that I forgot
to do a report on plants for science.

I'm in that class.
We don't have a report.

Did I say plants for science?
I meant government.

I'll just do a little foraging and catch up
with you later, okay? See you.

I'm in that class too.

Okay. So we'll spend
minutes digging for bones

at the dinosaur place,

and then the rest of the day
on the rides, right?

That's not the plan, and you know it.

Well, it should be.

Uh, excuse me,

but aren't you two
forgetting something?

Salem, we're still mad
at you for stowing away.

You are not going anywhere.

Besides, cats aren't even allowed
in the park.

W-- What?

Oh, we'll try to bring you a souvenir.

Yeah. I think it's time
you started collecting spoons.

I should have known Disney
wouldn't be cat-friendly.

Why else would the star attraction
be a giant mouse?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

WOMAN:
Housekeeping.

Fried park food, here I come.

KRAFT:
Ms. Spellman.

Do you mind telling me
what you are doing

trespassing on park property?

Uh, looking for the ice machine?
Heh.

Do you realise that instead
of standing here in the hot sun,

we could actually be flying
through the air on Space Mountain,

barfing our guts out?

ZELDA:
Oh, my gosh.

Look what I just found.

Styrofoam from the late ' s?

No. It's a real bone
from some sort of beast.

I've just discovered the femur

of a creature that lived
millions of years ago.

Wow. You can't top that.

So let's stop trying.

Sabrina?

Still looking for the ice machine?

Uh, nope. Found it.

Delicious.

Far be it for me to question
the Walt Disney corporation,

but that does not seem convenient.

This kind of discovery could
put me in the history books.

Are you going to alert the media?

No. I'm going to get bug spray.

Although a mosquito bite
is starting to sound exciting.

Have you noticed that Sabrina
is nowhere to be seen,

and Harvey's all alone?

Well, except for that girl.

- Valerie?
- Whatever.

Girls. I think it's time
I made my move on him.

I'll just hang around
awkward little Valerie

and work my magic on Harvey.

GIRLS [IN UNISON]:
Go for it.

LIBBY:
Hey, guys.

Not if I work my magic first.

You can't make a move on him
if you can't find him.

Where did Harvey go?

Where did he go?

Karibuni. I'm Harvey,
and I'll be your guide

as we tour the Harambe
Wildlife Reserve.

[ANIMAL SOUNDS PLAYING]

Keep your arms inside the vehicle,
and enjoy the ride.

And if anyone has a pacemaker
or smells like fresh meat, let me know.

You sure you don't know
where Harvey is?

Trust me.
I'd rather be wherever he is,

than standing here uncomfortably
waiting for him.

Hey, maybe he went
to the riverboat ride.

That's what we planned to do next.

Well, great. I'll come with you.

- But I'll be there.
- Heh. That's okay.

- We can all share a seat.
- Really?

Try to remain calm.

Whatever.

Hey, wait up!

There you are, you little star aster.

Sabrina, I have had just about
enough of these shenanigans. Now--

You'd think they'd have
more bathrooms around here.

Hey. Want to see the personalised
souvenir mug I got you?

They didn't have "Zelda"
so I got "Pam."

I've got to find out more
about this bone.

Of this bone
There is much in doubt

So of yourself
Tell me all about

That poem is so bad
you could get a grant.

BONE:
Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Hey, it talks.

My prehistoric's a little rusty.

Can you make out
what it's saying?

I think it means "bone cold."

Well, now we know the phrase "duh"
dates back to prehistoric times.

That was so scary.

I know. I was sure we were gonna
crash and die at the Dragon Rocks.

Really? You covered it well
with your screaming.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Where's Harvey?

That's amazing.
I was just wondering the same thing.

HARVEY:
We are now approaching hippo river.

The hippopotamuses are among the
most aggressive animals in the jungle.

Fortunately, our Harambe therapists

are working with the hippos
to channel that anger.

[ANIMALS GROWLING]

I hope this is the way
to the frozen-banana stand. Heh.

What's that?

Big pink bird!

Don't panic. Remain calm.

Everything's under control.
Nothing to be afraid of...

[GASPS]

Run away!

Hey, after it stops raining
let's go to the African village.

We can get our picture taken
with a real-life poacher.

- Great.
- Hey, Valerie and Libby.

Where's Harvey?

Don't you know where he is?
I thought he was your good friend.

Oh. Yeah, of course
I know where he is.

I mean, he's obviously
staying away from you.

Why are you hanging out with her?

- She wanted to hang out with me.
- No, seriously, why?

Because she wanted to.

- Wow. You are serious.
VALERIE: Yeah. Wanna come?

No, I haven't finished my report yet.

Some jerk with a leaf blower came by,
and I lost half my work.

ZELDA:
Hmm.

Maybe I should give him
more consciousness.

Zelda, do the words "going overboard"
mean anything to you?

[GRUNTING]

Oh. Quickly, Hilda,
what's he saying?

Uh, his name is Tootie,

and he wants to know
if you stole his nanwama,

which is either "shoes" or "wife."

[CHATTERING]

Oh-- Uh-oh, we're beginning
to attract attention.

We better take him back to the hotel
room so we can study him further.

All right, but you're asking
the management for the rollaway bed.

Witch-hazel, shaved coconut.

I hope it doesn't matter I got it
from the ice-cream stand. Palm frond--

[SALEM BANGS ON DOOR
AND GROANS]

SALEM:
Help! Let me in! Oh...

[PANTING]

Salem, what's wrong?

I just narrowly escaped death
by winged beast.

- No, you didn't.
- I'm telling you,

I was savagely att*cked
by a pterodactyl.

Is that decaf?

No.

It's the first potion for my quiz.

I need more plants
for the second potion,

but I thought I'd brew up
this batch first.

Hi.

- So where's Libby?
- In the lobby.

You two think you're gonna
be hanging out the rest of the day?

Probably.

Is that so strange?

A little.
I think she's up to something.

Oh, I guess she couldn't
be hanging out with me

on the off chance that she likes me.

I mean, no way
I could ever be popular.

So now you're seeing my point.

I'm trying to look out for you.

By insulting me?

Look, you just can't admit
that I have the ability to be cool.

And I do.

I'm being cool right now.

Well, I'm just saying
that I wouldn't trust Libby.

But if you want to, fine.
I have more foraging to do.

[SIGHS]

She brought her cat?

Hi. Ooh.

Fresh-brewed tea.

I bet Libby would love
some iced tea.

SALEM:
Not a good idea.

[KRAFT CLEARS THROAT]

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a school-funded field trip,

not an excuse to have fun.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I got us some iced tea.
I think it's herbal.

Valerie, where is Harvey?

- I don't know.
- You keep saying that.

It's because I keep not knowing.

No, ma'am, the impalas
we're going to see

are antelopes with red coats,

not American-made sedans
with front-wheel drive.

WOMAN:
What about the falcons?

Yes, it's the same situation
with the falcons.

Hey, let's visit the Gorilla Falls Trail.

[LIBBY SCOFFS]

Iced tea?

- Ew.
- Sorry.

Ugh. The only reason I'm even
standing close to you is--

Those zebras aren't supposed to...

Oh, get a hold of yourself, Willard.

Uh-oh.

"Property of Sabrina Spellman."

I knew it.

This weird trip, that ice machine,
those zebras.

I...

I-- I have a sick headache.

Mm. Ah, macadamia nuts
from the minibar.

Especially tasty
when they're your third jar

and someone else
is paying for them.

[GASPING]

Some squirrels broke in.
I'm just tidying up.

Back so soon?

Yeah, I-- I still need one more
plant for my second potion,

but I came back to see if Valerie
was still here so I could apologise.

What happened to my potion?

Oh. Valerie took it.

And you didn't stop her?

Yeah, I'm gonna put down
an overpriced chocolate bar

just to yell at Valerie. Get real.

Salem, this potion
turns people into animals.

People into animals?

Why am I finding it hard
to summon sympathy?

I've gotta get it back.

Room service.

Someone order carp,
carp and more carp?

SALEM:
Yo.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, this is the opportunity
of a lifetime.

A chance to study a prehistoric
creature close-up.

Yeah, I have to admit
I am enjoying it.

- Really?
- Now I'm done.

I wanna plummet down
the Tower of Terror,

and I wanna plummet now.

ZELDA:
What's he saying?

- Log flume. Log flume.
- Oh, he is not.

[GIBBERING]

Oh, he's hungry.

And I would like to point out
that he wouldn't be hungry

if you would turn him
back into a bone.

I'll zap in some food.

I'm thinking anything tartare.

Wait a minute.
I don't wanna make him sick.

Maybe I'd better go back
to where we found him

and analyze the soil
so we can get his diet right.

Give him a nut from the honour bar
and see if he can keep it down.

Keep an eye on him.

Are you kidding?

A looker like that?

Take it easy. Take it easy.

I'm upset that the hotel
doesn't provide robes too,

but you don't see me
tearing the room apart.

SABRINA:
Valerie?

Valerie?

Lose something?

My brew-- I mean, my bottle.
Where'd you find it?

Oddly enough,
next to two wandering zebras.

You didn't happen to notice
which way they went?

No, why?

Oh, because, uh--
I'm looking for Valerie,

and I happen to know
she's a real zebra fanatic.

- Uh-huh.
- It's a real problem.

There are no support groups.
Gotta go.

That girl is lying.

There are support groups
for everything.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING
ON TELEVISION]

I guess this disproves one theory:

Music doesn't soothe
the savage beast,

Petticoat Junction does.

[GRUNTS]

Yeah, Uncle Joe is moving
kind of slow.

Aunt Hilda, I need help.

Libby and Valerie accidentally
spilled my potion,

and now they've become zebras.

Huh. You think that's bad.

I once accidentally turned
the entire USC marching band

into garter snakes.

I need a clamshell orchid
for the turn-back potion.

All right, don't panic.
This is not a problem.

Clamshell orchid.

What's it shaped like?

[GIBBERING]

Oh, of course.

Tootie used to live here.
He can help us.

- And he is...?
- A -million-year-old fossil

that Zelda found, brought to life
and evolved so he can speak.

I can't remember what it feels like
to be astonished.

All right, let's go.

Okay, and remember,
no grooming the passersby.

Ape before beauty.

HARVEY:
The black rhino you see on your left

is named Tiffany.

Tiffany's turn-ons include volleyball
and Judith Krantz novels.

Her turn-offs are w*r
and people who smoke.

[MAN SPEAKS UNINTELLIGIBLY]

No, sir, she's not waving at you.

[GIBBERING]

Oh, he says there's probably
a clamshell orchid over there.

Well, well, well, Ms. Spellman,

are we looking for a Mickey Mouse
topiary to pull apart?

No, but thanks for asking.

- You have something behind you.
- Probably not.

Oh, hello, Hilda. Hello--

Oh, my-- Who is this?

Uh, Aunt Hilda's new boyfriend,
Tootie Goldberg.

[GRUNTS]

- He's Swedish.
- And he's dying to see

The Lion King show,
so we'd better go get seats. Heh.

See you.

[GRUNTS]

Boy, Swedes do not do well
in warm weather.

Okay, the clamshell orchid's in.

Let's hope this works.
I don't think being a zebra

is gonna help Valerie's self-esteem.

[BOTH GAGGING]

Okay, what have we learned?

We've learned
that shrimp cocktails

should not be accompanied
by an entire shepherd's pie.

[GROANING]

I swear, Mr. Kraft,
I have no idea how I got there

- or why my mouth tastes like grass.
- Me neither.

Well, I have an idea or two.

I think it might have something to do

with a certain
obsessive-compulsive disorder

that one of you has with zebras.

- Huh?
- I want you to know,

I was just trying to save her
from herself.

What?

I never doubted that
for a minute, Libby.

Before she went crazy,
the last thing I remember

was me saying I thought
it would be educational

if we rode the safari ride.

But we never got there.

I'm on my way there right now.
Would you care to join me?

I'd love to, Mr. Kraft.

[SCOFFS]

Obsession with zebras?

Val, are you okay?

- I think.
- Good. Okay, let's go find Zelda.

- Are we okay?
- Yeah.

Look, I-- I'm sorry I got sucked
into Libby's sphere,

and I'm sorry I didn't listen to you.

You were right.
Libby doesn't like me.

What tipped you off?

I don't know.
I just have this strong feeling

she'd fight me over a salt lick.
I don't know why.

And I have to admit,
I was a little jealous

because you were being
friendly with Libby.

You were? Wow!

I've never made
anyone jealous before.

Okay, I'm done
savouring the moment.

- Let's go ride something.
- Great.

Hey, who was that smelly man
with your aunt?

Yes, prehistoric creatures ate a bean
very similar to our lima.

Somehow you find that interesting.

Hello, girls. Where's Harvey?

- Where is Harvey?
- I thought you knew.

Uh-oh.

HARVEY: That concludes our trip
through the Harambe reserve.

Make sure you take
all your belongings with you.

And to that couple
who taunted the mandrills,

that stuff will come out
with a little club soda.

Harvey Kinkle,
do you know where you are?

Mr. Kraft.

Yes. I'm near a termite mound
that antelopes use as a lookout post.

Help me!

Harvey, where have you been?

I don't know. I'm kind of tired,
my throat's sore,

and I'm suddenly very disdainful
of the way America dresses.

Speaking of which,
weren't we forbidden

to do missionary work on this trip?

I've gotta stop letting my mom
pack for me.

- I'm thirsty.
- Yeah.

Hey, you got any more
of that iced tea?

Nope. Gone, gone, gone. Gone.

Three lemonades, please.

- Right away.
- Hey, you should work here.

You can wear your own clothes.

If I wasn't working for the mouse,
I'd slap you.

So how'd I do?

Well, you passed the survival test.

Now all you have to do is spend
the night alone in Antarctica.

- You're kidding.
- Heh. As a matter of fact, I am.

It's a week.

Eh? Yeow. Man, I crack myself up.

So, what happened to Tootie?

- Did you turn him back into a bone?
- Oh, we couldn't do that to him.

We cleaned him up,
taught him some English

and found a place for him.

Hi. Uh, large fruit punch, please.

- Ice?
- Yeah, sure.

No ice.

Do I know you?

Ice?

I don't know how long
you've known Hilda,

but, uh, she seem
at all strange to you?

Like doing weird things you can't--

[GRUNTING]

Uh-- Well, no, I mean
above and beyond

simply being a woman. Heh.

So Sweden, huh?

Wow. You must be pretty proud

of the way you guys
did down in Nagano.

I-- I have a good dentist
we could, uh, maybe send you to.

[GRUNTS]

Yeah, well, there would be some
gum surgery, no question about that.

I've always liked the paintings
of Edvard Munch,

who's, uh, Swedish.