03x16 - Sabrina, the Matchmaker

[bunniefuu]

Rose are red, violets are blue

You remind me of primordial goo

And they said I couldn't
find a card for Libby.

Oh, no. I'm losing my hair.

Yesterday, I counted six hairs
in my kitty comb.

Today, there's ten.

- Eleven.
- Huh?

Do you think Harvey and I
might be soul mates?

Depends. Would you still love him
if he was bald?

Of course. Unless he did
that weird comb-over thing. Ooh.

- Twelve.
- Oh.

Sabrina, you gotta help me.
I don't wanna be a chrome dome.

Mmm. I like it. But can I swim in it?

No channel surfing.

ZELDA: Sabrina, hurry up.
It's time for breakfast.

SABRINA:
I'm coming. You don't have to--

Have my room att*cked by Huns.

Looks like somebody's
made Cupid angry.

Well, he is a lonely, bitter man.

"Sabrina, because you meddled
in the laws of love,

and tried to break up
your Aunt Zelda and Mr. Kraft..."

How does he know that?

It's Cupid's job to know those things.

And I might have mentioned it
to him at a cocktail party.

"You must help two people
fall in love by Valentine's Day,

or spend weekends picking up trash
along the Other Realm interstate."

Ew! I don't wanna spend my time

chained to a bunch of
drunks in orange jumpsuits.

Well, they're not all drunks.
Some are murderers.

Look. I really am losing my hair.

Oh, wait. That's my butt.

But who am I gonna set up?

Well, let's see. There's--

I just met the most amazing guy.

SALEM:
See, Hilda?

I knew that polka class at
Learning Annex would pay off.

- Where's your lollipop, Kojak?
- Grrr.

Anyway, Carlton's smart,
handsome, funny.

Absolutely nothing like Willard.

SABRINA: I knew you'd like him.
That takes care of my assignment.

Cupid may wear a diaper,
but he's no fool.

And he asked me out
for Valentine's Day.

He's always coming up
with crazy, offbeat ideas like that.

See you.

This is the best time
in a Hilda relationship.

Before she spends
any time with him.

Hey, Sabrina.

Hey. Do you think
that guy's dating anyone?

Yeah. I think he's dating that guy.

Hey, good news
about Valentine's Day.

My dad's helping that fancy
French restaurant,

Le Petit Chien,
with its roach problem,

and he snagged us a reservation.

One downside
to the restaurant, though:

No salad bar.

Hey, hey. No PDA in the hallway.

I'm gonna have to write you both up.

By the by, hope your Aunt Zelda

doesn't mind Easter candy
for Valentine's.

Mother really wants it
out of the freezer.

Hey. Those two would
make a cute couple.

Isn't there a rule about
lunch ladies dating students?

Why are you being so difficult,
Valerie? Break up with Justin,

and let me set
the two of you up again.

Harvey and I do it all the time.
It's how we keep our relationship fresh.

Salem, this hair-growth tonic
you ordered

is actually corn bread batter.

They wouldn't sell it if it didn't work.

Keep stirring.

Well, I'm off to France to find
the perfect Valentine's Day dress.

And maybe k*ll an hour
at a museum.

Oh, no. Cousin Marigold
and her kids are coming by

to discuss the family secret.

Better hurry before Paris closes.

ZELDA:
I'd stay, but I don't like them.

Oh, come on. You guys can't
leave me alone with Cousin Marigold.

She's like a repressed memory
waiting to happen.

There. A couple of hours,

and you can call me Crystal Gayle.

I don't need a phone number,
operator.

I was just wondering,
are you seeing anyone?

Hello?

Sabrina. Mwah, mwah.

Oh, you look fabulous.

But then, against this shabby
wallpaper, who wouldn't?

This is my daughter, Ally.

She's never been to the-- Ahem.
To the Mortal Realm.

Hi, Ally.

You're right. A whole lot of nothing.

[MARIGOLD LAUGHS]

Oh, honey, stop turning
the towels into taffy.

You remember Amanda?

How could I forget? Keep those fingers
up where I can see them.

I love it when you can see
fear in their eyes.

[GIRLS SHRIEKING]

They have so much energy
when they come to the Mortal Realm.

You know, I would have
left them with a nanny,

but they won't tell me
what they did with her,

and they're at that age.

Somewhere between birth
and -to-life?

What happened?

Mortal plumbing
can be so confusing.

And fun.

Hey, that's my sweater.

Oops.

Oh, oh.

Come here. You'd be a good match
for my son, Robby.

He's well on his way to being
a juvenile delinquent too.

- I didn't know you have kids.
- Three.

Since the divorce, sometimes
I bring Robby on calls with me.

He's out front playing right now.

You're well-insured, right?

AMANDA: Last one to zap him
into a snowman is a rotten egg.

New game. All the kids
are playing it. Gotta go.

[HUMMING]

Oh!

[MARIGOLD LAUGHING]

Thought that was pretty funny, huh?

It's not Candide, but yes.

This would go easier
if you'd give me a hand.

Oh, ha!

Oh, you weren't kidding.

No. No, I don't do tools.

Come on. It's--

It'll be something you can
tell your grandchildren.

Just hold the wrench here
while I try and turn the water off.

[MARIGOLD SIGHS]

- Like this?
- Yeah.

But, you know, pull it towards you.

Oh! Ah.

Now that was funny, huh?

But not as funny as this.

Or, uh, this.

[MARIGOLD SCREAMS]

[GASPS]

Or this!

Or this.

- Or this! Oh!
- Or this!

- Or this!
- What are you doing? Ah!

That's funny. That's funny.

Whoa!

ALLY: Please, Sabrina. Let me
turn him into a salamander.

No. Not until you're old enough
to use vindictive magic responsibly.

Okay, but not a very big salamander.

[MARIGOLD GIGGLES]

Oh, the bathroom's all fixed.

Just don't use the toilet, ever.

Girls, you're not gonna believe this,

but your mother
actually did manual labour.

- No.
- She ain't half bad.

Hold still. You've got
a little schmutz right there.

What's the matter with Mom?

She's acting all nice.

Better.
She's acting like she likes him.

This is perfect. I've found my couple.

Well, thanks for dropping by.

That was very invigorating.

Well, any time you want
to be invigored again,

you let me know.

Bye.

Dad.

Right. Heh.

He's so small, I'm always losing him.

Come here, you. Oh.

Where's the water? I need to rinse.

The tingle is now a burn.

Marigold, how could you
let Emil walk out like that?

He's cute, he's single,
and you're my last hope.

Me and Emil? Oh, please, Sabrina.

The man makes a living
pulling hair out of drains.

He's got a truck with
his picture on the side of it.

It would never work. Besides,
I'm never gonna see him again.

Fate calling.

I could have sworn I had this
with me when I left.

Oh. Well, you didn't.
But you know, now that you're back,

you can go ask Marigold out.

You obviously like her.

Don't get me wrong.
Your cousin's great,

but there's no way that a rich,
classy woman like her

is going out with a non-rich,
classy guy like me.

But you already had a splash fight.

Wait. What are you doing tomorrow?

That's perfect, because Marigold
isn't doing anything either.

- Sabrina.
- Oh, it's no trouble.

There's nothing I like to do more
on Valentine's Day

than cook a gourmet meal
for our distant relatives

and the people who fix our house.

If you don't have
any other plans--

You said you'd take us to--

Actually, I'm completely free.

Great, then we'll see you
tomorrow around , okay?

All right. That's good.

Jeez. Throw yourself at him,
why don't you?

Sabrina, when we go
to Le Petit Chien,

are you gonna want
an appetizer?

If you do, I'm gonna need
to shovel a few more driveways.

Oh, Harvey, I can't go.

I promised my cousin I'd watch her kids
while she goes on a date.

I'm helping two people fall in love
and I'm avoiding hard time.

I'm really, really sorry.

I know you wouldn't break
a Valentine's date if it wasn't important.

Maybe I could go with my mom.

Okay, Sabrina, I'm leaving.

HILDA:
Sabrina, I'm going now.

[HILDA AND ZELDA GASP]

This is an authentic Paris original,

so you'd better take off
that knockoff.

I'm not changing.
You change your dress.

It's not like you guys are going
to the same restaurant.

Sabrina makes a point.

No one you date could afford
Le Petit Chien.

That's where Carlton is taking me.

You're such a copycat.

- Ah. Am not. See?
- Ah!

[MAGIC TINKLING,
FABRIC RIPPING]

HILDA AND ZELDA:
Ah!

You know there's no salad bar there.

Oh, Sabrina, I am so nervous.

I've never been on a date
with a mortal.

Genies, Martians, enchanted trees,

but never a mortal.

All you have to do is
be honest and be yourself.

I'll never remember all that.

Relax. You and Emil
are gonna do great.

Not if we have anything to do with it.

Fingers ready?

Plunger boy's going down.

Way down.

[ZELDA SIGHS]

Willard's parking the car.

Carlton's parking his Porsche.

He's such a refreshing
change from Willard.

Unbelievable.

Willard, what happened?

Some idiot in a Porsche

tried to run me down
in the parking lot.

Sorry. I had to wait
for this old geezer.

- Geezer?
- That's him.

Carlton, this is my sister, Zelda.

And this is her geezer--
I mean boyfriend, Willard.

Nice to meet you, Zelly.

And I had no idea that
this old sack belonged to you.

Hey. No hard feelings, huh, Wilbur?

It's Willard.

Of course it is.

You should have seen
the look on your face. Whew.

- Table for four?
- No. No, I--

No, no, no.
The more the merrier, huh?

- Lead on, Willie.
- Willard.

Whew. Your poor sister.

Can you say "loser"?

- She has low self-esteem.
- Duh.

Where did she get
that arrogant blowhard?

She has low self-esteem.

Mr. Andranini, look at you all clean.

Somebody owns an iron.

Run!

Oh, I hate when people
drop things out of airplanes.

And I'll have the -ounce sirloin.

And I'll have the -ounce sirloin.

You didn't let me finish.

To start.

Now tell me about your hams.

Tonight's entrée is baked chicken.

I think it's a little undercooked.

Now I've got to find a new entrée.

- And a coop.
- Sabrina, you gotta help me.

I left the formula on too long.

Sabrina, you've got to help me.

Back of the line, sister.

I asked him about his hobbies,

and he started babbling on
about pitching and catching, and--

And men in red socks.

Oh, he's talking about baseball.
It's a sport. Mortal men love it.

Baseball. Got it.

Come with me.

Wait. You can't just walk in there
with a professional baseball player.

Well, can I shrink him down
and put him in my pocket?

Just be honest. Tell Emil you don't
know anything about baseball.

Guys love explaining stuff like that.

It's the only downside.

Excuse me. Did I get hit in the head
with a foul ball or something?

Yeah. Enjoy the buzz.

Oh. Go. Here. Hold this.

You know, baseball's a game

that combines physical prowess
with mental discipline.

k*ll the chicken.

Harvey, what are you doing here?

Sabrina, I'm putting my foot down.

You're my girlfriend, and I demand
you be with me on Valentine's Day.

Your mom decided
to go with your dad?

I'll help you babysit.

- That's sweet, Harvey, but I--
MARIGOLD: It's a wonderful idea.

Marigold.

But the girls are, you know...

Oh, don't worry. They'll be little angels
if I ask them to be.

How come you never
asked them before?

He better be just as cute and sweet
when I get back,

or I'll give you a wart you'll have
to push around in a wheelbarrow.

Watch the blouse. It's silk.

I'll zap in a Porta-Potti later.

No. There is no way
that Smokey and the Bandit

is on the best-movies list.

And I have just about had it
with your know-it-all attitude.

Willard, no. Brute force
never solved anything.

Carlton. His right knee is bad.
One kick and he's down.

So, Waldo, you gonna
do anything about it,

or are you just gonna whine about it?

Well, normally I would
just whine about it,

but you have made me really mad.

[YELLS]

So shall we split
the crème brûlée sampler?

I can't believe I didn't bring
any pictures of my boys.

Oh, they're great.

I mean, they're a handful,
but I wouldn't trade them.

I'd sell them.

MARIGOLD:
Absolutely delightful.

The couch has got to go.

- What's in your glass?
- Oh, heh, cork.

And it has to go.

Let me fish it out for you.

Oh, thank you.

No one is ever gonna mistake me
for Pierre Salinger again.

You know, you are starting
to get a little thin on top.

[SOBBING]

Is dessert almost ready?

I just took the pie out of the oven.
Ten minutes?

[RUMBLING]

Hold this!

Harvey!

- Where's Harvey?
- Right here.

Just as cute and sweet
as when you left him.

Harvey!

We changed his name to Cuddles.

[HARVEY BARKING]

Dessert's coming right out.

SALEM:
Oh, no! Dog!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

MAN:
Oh, no, my pie!

[SALEM SHRIEKING,
HARVEY BARKING]

There.

Fixed that wobble.

Change him back!

[GIRLS GIGGLE]

Time to put Operation: Get This Loser
Plumber Out Of Our Lives into action.

This wine is making me
feel so warm.

Ah! Fire! Fire! Oh, my God, fire!

Oh, my God, my pants. Fire. Oh.

Yeah. Good, good, good. Here.

Hey. I got it, I got it. I got it, I got it.

Thanks.

Where did that
watering can come from?

Uh, this?

Uh, um...

I'll be right back.

SALEM:
Help. I'm too young to be a chew toy.

Harvey, heel!

Sabrina, what do I say to Emil?
His chair just--

Marigold, whatever it is,
just be yourself and be honest.

Bad dog, Harvey!

Where's Emil?

Hair-clog emergency somewhere?

You two, kitchen, now.

And there's a puddle on the mud porch
with your names on it.

Where's Emil?

EMIL:
Help.

Help.

Help.

Well, um...

Let's get him out
and hope he didn't notice.

So, Emil, you were saying?

Who are you people?

Wait, I can explain.

You can? I mean, of course she can.

Emil, I have to be honest with you.

I'm a witch.

Am I the only one
who thinks the salmon mousse

has gone a little bad?

Think I'll go now.

Now, who wants decaf?

So where'd you learn
to fight like that?

Well, when you grow up
playing the zither and loving Doris Day,

you get in your share of scrapes.

You're a Doris Day fan?

- Me too.
- No kidding.

Huh.

Marigold, you have to go after Emil.

If he tells anyone you're a witch,

you'll be out of the Other Realm
and lose your magic.

You'll be mortal,
and you'll have to live here.

Come on, woman, move.

I think he made it clear
he doesn't wanna see me again.

Fine. I'll go.

I'm sure he hasn't had a chance
to tell anyone.

Unless he has a car phone.

Couple of days in the slammer might
teach Carlton to fight a little better.

Oh, we can't just
leave them here, Hilda.

It's partially our fault
for pitting them against each other.

Really? I slept the whole time?

It may be time to go back to naps.

Yeah, but I'm wide awake now,
and I feel--

Go get it!

Marigold, I'm really sorry
about you losing your magic.

I feel responsible. I just didn't want
to pick up trash.

Oh, don't blame yourself, Sabrina.

I'm sure I can learn to cope.

Here. You just flip the switch.

[MARIGOLD SIGHS]

Dear Lord, what have I done?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Why did I have
to turn him into a retriever?

Harvey.

Mr. Andranini?

Emil. Ahem. You came back.

I've been driving around
the last hour, thinking.

- And talking.
- Yeah. To my brother.

He, uh, thinks I'm crazy.

I am.

About you.

Wow.

And he's met my children.

I don't understand
what happened tonight.

But for some strange reason,
I know I wanna keep seeing you.

I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, I just wanna clarify one thing.

Do you have magical powers?

I can honestly say I don't.

Yes! I did it!

I'm not even gonna ask.

Look. I did it.

- Marigold and Emil are in love.
- Oh, bully for them.

Oh, see, Sabrina?
That wasn't so hard.

Throw it again. Throw it again.

You really don't mind
losing your magic?

All I can say is I have had magic
for hundreds of years,

and I have never really been happy.
And now I'm happy.

What's the trick to this?

Why do they have
to make it so complicated?

Oh, I almost forgot.

A poorly-cut valentine?

No. It's your clue
to the family secret.

Hey. You ever tried to use scissors?

Barbaric.

Whoa, tornado in the bathroom?

We never had to get dressed
the mortal way before.

Buttons are hard.

Knock, knock.
Four hungry men reporting for duty.

This is, uh, Darryl.

And Angelo.

And you met Robby.

Hi, boys.

I'm Marigold.

And these are my daughters,
Amanda and Ally.

Nice shirt. Button it with your feet?

No. My fist.

[FROG CROAKS,
ALLY SHRIEKING]

EMIL:
Kids, come on. Hey.

Can we act like a family here?

Quit saying that. We're not a family.

Hey. Now, Robby. Guys.

Sounds like a real family to me.