03x01 - The Invasion

[bunniefuu]

- Hi.

- Hi, marie.

- Why was a truck
in front of the house

With the dancing
little bugs on top?

- We've got termites.
- Oh, my god!

Oh!

Oh, dear!
I told you, dear.

You have to keep up
with your housekeeping.

- Marie, why don't you--

- Oh, children,
come on.

Off the floor
right now.

Come on, come on.
Come on.

You're all coming to stay
with grandma.

- No, we have a hotel
that we're gonna stay at

While they
tent the house.

- A hotel?

Those places
are even dirtier than here.

It's the raymond barone
living memorial.

- Yeah.
- So what happens?

Every 45 minutes, an actor
dressed as you comes in

And recreates scenes
from your life, huh?

Yeah.

[mimicking ray]
"oh, no, where's my retainer?

"oh!

"hey, what's that?
A pimple?

You know, all the other guys
have hair down here."

- Yeah. That's it.

That's the whole show.

- All right,
here we go.

The honeymoon suite.

We've got the closet
right over here.

Toilet down the hall...

Light switch.

- Okay, we've got it.
Thank you.

I'm not tipping you,
robert.

- No, no. I just can't
believe you're back.

- Don't worry, robert.

It's just
for a couple of days.

- Yeah.
That's what I said.

I'm sure you'll
have a marvelous time.

Mom's going all out
now that

[mimicking marie]
"raymond has come home!"

- All right, thank you.

- All right, and by the way,
there's a few rules.

I take my showers
at 6:35 in the a.M.

You will please refrain
from any and all flushing.

Despite what dad thinks,
it is not funny.

Enjoy your stay.

[watch beeping]

- What are you doing?
- Setting my alarm for 6:35.

- Hey, they're
touching my stuff.

- Who?
- Your kids.

The two boys
and the other one.

I had a whole stack
of quarters.

Now it's a pile!

- He keeps his quarters
stacked up on the dresser.

- And I don't like
anyone touching them!

You know that!
- I know!

- You bet you do!
- I know that I do!

- And don't you
forget it!

- I know, dad!
I won't!

- It's so-o-o
peaceful here.

And I'll say this,

It's much smaller than
a hotel room would have been.

- Come on.
In a hotel room, you...

You couldn't
get the complete set

Of "the book of knowledge."

Hey, let's look up
reproductive organs.

That's all I had.

That's all I had.

Oh, debra.

You're here.
- Hi.

- Hi.

I was just getting ready
to watch my program.

Now.

[accordion music]

- Bonjour, mes
etudiants de francais,

And welcome to
"everyday french every day."

- This is
my french lesson.

I watch it every day...

At 4:00...

Here.

[instructor on tv
speaks in french]

[chuckles]

You know, debra,
I tidied up raymond's room.

Wouldn't you be
more comfortable there?

- Oh, the twins
are napping in there.

- Oh.

- Say it with me.

"une baguette
avec du fromage."

- Une baguette
avec du fromage.

[chuckles]

Debra, you're reading,

And I'm sure this is
distracting for you.

- Oh, no.
I'm used to tv.

I can just tune it
right out.

- A blood sausage...

Du boudin.

- Du boudin.

It was glaring
on the screen.

- Yeah.
- [chuckles]

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's probably too dark
in here for you now.

- No, no.
That's fine.

- Oh, good.
[chuckles]

Good.

So long as
you're comfortable.

That's
the important thing.

I can't stand it!
I can't live here this way.

- You're leaving?

- Hey, you're
eating the brownies!

They're for--

- I know. Everything's
for our very special guest...

Raymond.

Raymond, raymond,
raymond, raymond, raymond,

Raymond, raymond...

- Raymond,
you have to do something.

- All right, well,
I didn't prepare anything,

But how about this?

[scat singing]

- I'm trying to watch
my french class in there,

And it's very difficult.

Tres difficile.

- Aw, ma, don't french, okay?

Why? What's the matter?

- Well, debra's
in there reading.

- What? Out loud?
- No!

But I just don't feel
free to participate.

It's very intrusive.

- What?

- Yeah,
and one of your kids

Is clomping around
in my shoes.

Some people
find that cute.

I hate that.

- Yeah, and, ray,

Who flushed this morning
while I was conditioning?

J'accuse.

- Oh.

- Oh...

- That's good, robbie.
Good.

He's accusing you.

- I'm ignoring him.

- Ray. Please, raymond,
go in and talk to debra.

I'm missing
my french class.

- Ma, no!

- Oh, please, please.
- No.

- Please.
S'il vous plait.

- Yah-ha! Ma...

Don't "boo bah blah" me.
All right.

Hey, could you go read
in the other room?

- Why?

- My mom's trying
to be french in here,

And you're...

Intruding.

- What?

- I don't know.
You're in the way.

Look at you.

- Wait.
Let me get this straight.

Sitting quietly on the sofa

Reading to myself
is intruding?

- You know
how the french are.

- I'm intruding...

But her coming over
to my house every day with food,

And rewashing
the kids' clothes,

And your father fixing things
until they're broken,

That's not intruding?
- Okay, all right, look.

It's one more day.
- Oh, this is--I love this.

- Now I really love this.
- Just play along.

One more.
That's all.

- [scoffs]
- what?

- [chuckles]

- What?

- You know what?

She thinks reading
is intrusive?

[chuckles]
okay.

- Oh, what the hell
was that?

- What was what?

- That, that
"heh heh...Okay"? What?

- Nothing. No.
I was just thinking.

[laughing]

- [scoffs]
termite b*stards.

[ball game plays on tv]

- [whispers]

- I wanna watch
"care bears."

- Hey, get outta the way!

- Sweetie.

- Sweetie!

- Ally, here's
your corn dog, honey.

- Ally's having
a corn dog now?

- Yeah.

I made enough for everybody.
You want one?

- But it's almost dinner,
and mom's making lasagna.

- Mmm.

- We shouldn't...

[stammering]
be having corn dogs now.

Get one for me too.

- Yeah! Corn dog!
- [chuckles]

Hey, bubble wrap.
- Hi.

- How was the rest
of your day, hmm?

- It's better now.
- Yep.

- Hey, I'm back.

Oh, and I got all kinds
of goodies here for you.

What are you doing?

- We're just--
we're having a little snack.

Corn dog.

- Corn...

Dog?

I am making dinner.

You should know
not to eat at, uh...

- Those are hot,
aren't they?

- What's the matter
with you people?

I have lasagna
in the oven.

- Oh, my god.
I'm sorry, marie.

Was that for dinner?

I-I took it out
to make the corn dogs.

Do you want a corn dog?

- No.
Thank you, dear.

- I still want mine.

- Hey, what is this?

- Oh, gosh, I guess
that's your dad's remote.

- [gasps]

- Must have accidentally
brought it upstairs with me.

- This was no accident.

- Oh...

- Somebody help me!

- Geoffrey, get up.
- What are you doing?

- I can't be the one
who brings this to him.

He'll k*ll me, okay?

He likes geoffrey.
Geoffrey--

Just stop that. Stop it.
Go back to sleep.

- Listen, you're going
too far with this.

- This?

This is nothing compared
to what they do--

Look, when they come over
and do stuff,

It's 'cause they don't
know any better.

You do.

You know what that's called
when you know better

And you still do it?
- [sighs]

- Not nice.

- Oh!

- I'm serious!

Listen, we are guests
in this house.

- Oh, my gosh.

Who are you,
admiral von puss?

- No.

- Ray, can't you see?

I'm just trying
to make a point here?

Listen, you could help me.
It could be fun.

Come on, we never
do anything together anymore.

- You are sick.

- If I am sick,

It's because your family
made me that way.

- Well.

[chuckles, scoffs]

We made you that way.

I'm sorry
that's how you feel.

- Oh--puh!
Where are you going?

- I'm going to sleep
elsewhere, okay?

I wouldn't want to
make you sick.

- Good night, admiral.

- Hey, robert...

Robert...

Robert.

[grunts]

- Oh, raymond.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.
It's just a reflex.

- I think I know why
your marriage broke up.

- What are you doing
down here?

- I need a place to sleep.

Deborah...

She's got the kids
in the bed.

- Go sleep on the couch.

- I can't.

Dad's still tearing apart
the living room

Looking for
the remote control.

Come on.
It's just one more night.

Just...
Move over.

- All right,
but no noise.

Got an early shift.

- Yeah.

Hey, could you, uh...

Put a shirt on?

And some underpants?

- Excuse me.

I believe
this is my bed.

- All right, but come on.

A guy gets in bed
with you,

You put some pants on.

- I will not.

You don't wanna sleep
with me,

Go back to your wife.

- I'm not gonna
be able to sleep...

Ever.

- So, everybody has to do
what raymond wants, right?

New sheets for raymond.

Brownies for raymond.

Can't sleep naked
around raymond.

You know what you are?

Intrusive.

- What?

You're calling me that?

You're calling me that?

You're calling me that?

- Intrusive.

You!

Intrusive!

You know what?
Debra was right.

Think this is intrusive?

[chuckles]
okay.

- Where ya going?

- Upstairs.
Don't get up.

- You are so uptight.

- [chuckles]

- Ah!

Holy crapping crap!

What the hell
happened here?

- Oh, yeah.
I wanted to tell ya.

I tried to fix that.
It was too loose.

- It was never this
frigging loose.

- I'm sorry, dad.

I was just--
just trying to help.

- You wanna help me?
Find my remote.

- I don't understand

Why you would use bleach
on these towels.

- They--they just seemed
a little yellowy.

- Yes.
They're yellow towels!

My whole bathroom is yellow.

It's my theme.

- Oh.

- What did you do
with the door?

- Why is it always me?

Why don't you ask
your son there: Mr. Fix-it!

- Hey, I'm just
trying to help.

- Ma, where
are all the towels?

Oh, hi.

- You are a little too free
with the body.

- When are they leaving?

- See? Yellow.

- Ma, ma, towel, please?

- No. This doesn't
go with--here.

- Thanks.

- Look what you're
doing to us.

- What? What are we doing?
We're--we're just helping.

- Yeah, I mean,
you seem to have so much to do,

We just wanted
to pitch in.

- Why?
Is this annoying to you?

- Is it bothering you?
- Are we intrusive?

- Because we
don't mean to be.

We're just trying to help you
the way you help us.

- Oh.

I see what
they're doing.

Are you trying to repay us

For everything
we do for you?

- Well--

- Well, but you see, dear,

When we help you,
we're actually helping.

- What?

- But don't worry.
No, no. I'm not mad.

I can't be mad at you

If you don't know
what you're doing.

- You know what, mom?

Maybe you haven't
spent enough time

Showing them
how to do things.

- Hey, robert--

- No, no. I say when
that tent comes down,

Ma's over there showing you
how to do the laundry.

- Why don't
you go complete the outfit

And go put on
the toilet seat cover?

- And maybe dad could teach ray
how to fix stuff.

- That's true.

You don't know
a monkey wrench

From a monkey's a*s,
do you, son?

- No.

- Hey, they're
taking the tent off!

- Oh, we can start
right now.

I'll go get
my cleaning supplies

And we'll
make you a starter kit.

- I'll get some tools,
hammerhead.

- Hey, ray.

- [yelps]

- Raymond.

It was--
it was raymond!

I knew he really didn't
want to sleep with me.