03x02 - Friends & Relatives

All episode transcripts for the TV show "Roseanne". Aired: October 18, 1988 - May 20, 1997.*
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Explore life, death and everything in between through the relatable, hilarious and brutally honest lens of the working-class Conner household.
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03x02 - Friends & Relatives

Post by bunniefuu »

No, Jackie.
I got a microwave.

I don't have to start cooking
till Dan comes home.

I made a meat loaf
in minutes.

It still tasted like crap,

but it was so hot,
nobody could tell.

Mother, talk to D.J.

I was just in the bathroom
completely naked,

and he barges in.

Oh, great.
You traumatized him.

He'll be gay for sure now.

God, I hate you, Darlene.

Mother, are you listening?

Your son is sick.

After seeing you naked,

he's probably puking
his guts out.

You shut your face,

or I'll shut it for you.

Go for it, Barbie!

Maybe I will, Ken!

I think I heard something.

What?

That's the third time
he's walked in on me.

It was an accident.

Yeah. Right.

I'll call you later.

The sedative I gave the kids
for breakfast is wearing off.

Look me in the eye

and say it was an accident.

I can tell when you're lying.

It was an accident.

Could you tell?

Jeez.

I have so much to
teach you, sprout.

Anybody home?
It's me... Arnie.

Hi. Come on in,
Arnie.

Mother.

I'll talk to him later.

Yeah, right.

I will. Just keep
your shirt on there.

Very funny.

Is this a bad time, Rosie?

It's a bad life, Arnie.

I'm about to nuke
some dinner, though.

I could go for something to eat.

Yeah?

Well, then go.

You're always a kidder.

Not always.

Anyway, Nancy's got
dinner for me at home.

We're shacking up.

How romantic.

I got evicted from my place,

so it worked out good.

We can spend a lot
more time together.

There's nothing
like quantity time

with the person you love.

But you get tired of always
seeing that same face.

Hey, did I tell you
we're getting married?

When's she due?

You're kidding, right?

Yeah, I'm kidding.

Congratulations.

I knew it.

The minute I turned my back,

you stole my man.

How's it going, buddy?

Great.
How you doing?

Hang on a second.

Why didn't you tell me
Arnie was getting married?

He didn't want it to mess
up his dating action.

Yeah. So many magazines,
so little time.

I really appreciate this.

No problem.

I'll have the money back
in six, seven weeks tops.

Check ok?

You got an ID?

Thanks, Rosie.
See you, guys.

Yeah.

"You got an ID"?

How much did you lend him?

A couple bucks.

How much?

$ , .

He's thrown work my way.

Why didn't you talk to me?

It's covered. I got steady
work till Christmas.

I'd never do that
without talking to you.

For once in my life

I can write out a check
to help a friend,

no questions asked.

It's for his engagement ring.

How's this new
microwave working out?

You know, the one I bought
you without asking.

Ooh.

I should have asked you.

You want me to stick
my head in the oven?

Kids, dinner.

We're having butt roast.

Dad,

if D.J. accidentally walks
in on me one more time,

I'm going to k*ll him.

I'll talk
to D.J. later.

You say you'll talk
to D.J., so does mom.

Is anybody going to do anything?

Try locking your bathroom door.

Great.
Now it's my fault.

Everything wrong in
this world is my fault.

You just figured that out?

Drop dead.

You got to talk to D.J.

The little pervert
walked in on me again.

D.J., stop peeking
at Becky!

Ok!

There you go.

Mother.

I'll talk to him after I
put the groceries away.

Hey, Darlene.

Hey!

Hey.

Becky's in a mood.

Becky's always in a mood.

What you doing?

Putting together some bids.

My, aren't you ambitious?

I thought you were busy
through Christmas?

Not anymore.

The company
went belly-up.

We'll never see that
, they owe me.

Why does this always
happen to us?

We're ok. I got
some jobs lined up.

I just have to pay
a couple small bills.

Like what kind of small bills?

Car payment, mortgage,
credit cards.

Oh, come on.
Cut it out.

We're ok.

What do you mean by ok?

You mean "Becky can
still go to college" ok,

or "oh, boy, the government's
giving away free cheese" ok?

I know what you're thinking.

Even if I asked Arnie
for the money back,

we'd still be short.

By how much?

bucks.

Roseanne...

I didn't know this
was going to happen.

I'm sure Arnie won't mind.

Why don't you tell him
to return the money?

No way.

He probably didn't buy the ring.

A guy doesn't ask for money
back after it's lent.

A guy?

What, is this some kind of
testosterone thing here?

[Deep voice]
I got it covered, ok?

Will you be letting the
little woman in on how?

I'll just get a swing loan.

Why go to the bank?

Because that's where
the money is, my pet.

But maybe you should ask
your folks or my folks.

Yeah.

Why don't I just borrow
it from your folks?

Yeah, wait a minute...
Ugh!

The bank's just going to
charge you some huge interest.

Roseanne, I know how
to cut a deal.

I'll just waltz in

and act like I don't
need the money.

You better act
like you got a g*n.

Ah, here it is.

Yes.

Traffic directional
guidance apparatus.

Or as we on the force
like to call them,

white gloves.

Without these,

I'm just some idiot
standing in traffic.

With those, you're just some...

Stop.

You see? The power
of the glove.

So, uh...

Did you get these moves
at the police academy?

No, the Pips.

So how'd it go?

Smooth.

What's going on?

How come you're all dressed up?

What, this old thing?

Come on.

Jackie, do the words
"none of your business"

mean anything to you?

Go ahead and tell her.

She's family.

I had to negotiate
a loan from the bank.

For what?

I wanted to be in debt.

Come on.

I came up a little
short this month

and needed help paying bills.

I got cash saved.

I could loan you some.

No, thanks.

I'd lend you money,
you'd pay me back.

It's like a game.

Roseanne, make it stop.

I say we take her for
every cent she's got.

How much you talking about?

, .

Is that all?
That's chump change.

Not that all chumps
would have that change.

It's taken care of.

How much interest are we paying?

What difference does it make?

I want to know!

There's a loan fee of $ .

The interest rate
is / %, ok?

You really forced them to
their knees there, Ace.

I'll tell you what,

I won't charge you any
loan fee or interest.

You just got to, uh...

Suck up to me
for a couple weeks.

Well, hell, in that case, no.

How come it's ok to pay
this huge interest,

but it's not ok to get it
from Jackie for nothing?

It's good business, dear.

Ok, forget sucking up.

Just your undying gratitude.

I said no!

Don't yell at my sister.

I just don't want
her damn money.

Dan...

Just keep your nose
out of my business.

Jeez.

Grump.

Yeah. I don't know
what got into him.

The opportunity
to kiss your butt

doesn't come along every day.

I was joking.

I'll apologize.

No, no, no, no, no.

Listen,

you want to make it up to him?

Write him a check.

He won't take it.

Yes, he will.
Trust me.

Just make it out
to Roseanne Conner.

Aah!

Mom, Darlene hit me!

I didn't touch you.
I barely pushed you.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

No!

Mom!

Damn.

She hit me!

He was watching me get dressed.

I said to cut that out.

You said stop peeking at Becky.

He's got me there, Darlene.

What's going on?

Now the little pervert's
peeking at me.

Why?

It was fun for everybody

when he peeked at Becky,

but now...
someone may get hurt.

D.J., come here.
Darlene, go away.

Darlene called me a prevert.

No, you're not a prevert, honey,

you're a pervert.

You're just growing up
and curious,

but you don't like
people walking in on you

when you're getting undressed.

Neither do your sisters.

Does daddy see you naked?

Yeah, but it's different
for married people.

Married people have
to see each other naked.

Knock knock.
Anybody home?

Hey, Rosie.

Hi. I'll be
right with you.

You just need to respect your
sisters' privacy more, ok?

Ok.

Or else one of them's
going to k*ll you.

Go get ready for bed.

Ok.

Kid's a peeper, huh?

Boy, that takes me back.

What, you got sisters, too?


I wish.

Here. This is kind of
a thank you thing.

I'll take it in the kitchen.

I hope you don't
have one already.

Uh, no, Arnie.

I don't have a, uh,
wine and soap basket.

I got it at the car wash.

So, uh...

Did you get Nancy
her little surprise yet?

Sure did.

Did she like it?

You bet.

So she's going to keep it?

There's no way to return it.

What if there was, like,

a really, really good reason?

It's just a ring.

I didn't buy a ring.

Then what did you do?

I got her one of those
breast augmentation deals.

Huh?

You know.

You got her a boob job?

Yeah. Two of them.

It's what she wanted.

We gave you $ , for that?

Actually, I only had half,

so I borrowed , so
she didn't walk crooked.

What do you think?

Which one is ours?

Hey, Arnie.

Dan, buddy.

Oh...

Danny.

Yes?

There's a couple things
we need to talk about.

Like what?

Oh, like Nancy's
engagement present.

Please tell me you
got her a camera.

No, but we did help
with the developing.

You bought her...

The gift that keeps on giving.

Neat, huh?

I thought you were going
to give her a ring?

Dan, she's got rings.

Arn, ha-hang out here.

Finish your beer.

Honey, honey,

honey...

I thought it was for a ring.

Well, it ain't.

I think he ought
to pay interest.

That wasn't the deal.

We're paying the bank interest.

What if he can't? Are
we going to repossess?

We'll give them to Darlene,

so D.J. Has something
to look at.

Yep, I'm still here.

You heard what was said?

I missed the part about
charging me interest.

If I'd known this would happen,

I would've said
I got her a ring.

I know that, Arnie.

It doesn't matter. I borrowed
the money from Jackie.

I didn't tell him.

I don't think
you want to do that.

It's my house.
I got a right.

Absolutely. You do.

You said I was wrong.

I don't want to get you mad,

'cause I owe you money.

Shouldn't I give Dan a check?

Your check ain't worth squat.

Everybody knows that, but...

If you give me Jackie's
check, I'll cover it.

This is just another stupid
guy thing, isn't it?

If the money's
from the bank or me,

he's taking care of his family.

If it's from Jackie,

she's taking care of his family.

I didn't tell Nancy I
borrowed money from Dan.

I didn't want her to think
these are Dan's boobs.

I'm the man.
These are my boobs.

We're out of beer, honey?

I'm going to get some.

You want to come, Arn?

Sure. Oh,
I got that money.

Arnie.

You said six weeks.

It came sooner than I thought.

Where did he get the money from?

I bet on a horse
named Lucky Arnie.

Dan...

Right. Lucky Dan, a long shot.

Arnie.

Lucky Arnie, lucky Dan.
Work with me here.

Why are you friends with him?

Ok, I took the money
from Jackie myself.

You took the check
from your sister?

Well, I'm out of here.

Hey, enjoy the soap.

Give it back, Roseanne.

It's my family, too.

I said no.

And I said I'm taking
my sister's check.

Yeah? Well, what
do you think of this?

Where the hell is that tape?

Hey.

Hi, Dan.

What you up to?

Waiting for Gary.
You?

Running away from home.

Buy you a drink?

No. Let me buy.

Yeah, I'll have a beer.

Hey, Willie, give me
a couple beers, please.

Oh...

Things are good
with you and Gary?

Yeah, great. Yeah.
You and Roseanne?

Well... I tore up
your check.

What's keeping Gary?

I know you were
only trying to help.

I'm sorry.

I had it coming.

Yeah.

All these years I've
been eating your food,

using your washing machine,

making long distance
calls on the...

That's not important,

but I just figured
I'd pay you back.

I appreciate it, Jackie, but...

I borrowed money
from relatives before,

and it never works out.

I agree.

Remember who lent me
money for my first car?

You're welcome.

"Don't worry, Jackie.

I'll find you a nice solid
transportation vehicle."

"I don't want a nice solid
transportation vehicle.

"I want a shiny new
piece of crap

that looks good
and goes vrrroom."

Well, I did.

Oh, I know.

I know.

I remember back when me and
Rosey was getting started.

We wanted to buy the house.

I had to borrow money from her folks...
your folks.

years ago,

and I still have
to pretend I like them.

Same here.

So... Neither one
of us

will ever borrow
from family again.

Here.

But you'd borrow from a friend.

Sure. Sure.

I don't think of you
just as family.

I think of you as a friend.

I think of you as family.

It would make me feel so good

to help you guys out.

Eeh.

You're my friend, huh?

Absolutely.

You sure you got
this kind of money?

All you got to do is ask.

You got it, pal.

Hey.

Where you been?

Having a drink with a friend.

Oh, boy.

I love a man who
knows when to cave.

Are you kidding?
She begged me.

What are you doing?

Oh.

Nancy's picture here...

It's like they follow you.

You're right.
It's eerie.

There was a bunch of these.

We shouldn't leave them
laying around.

Where's the other ones?

I thought you had them.

What do I need them for,
proof of purchase?

D.J.!

D.J.!
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