02x04 - k*ll with Kindness

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

Television fans
can be so demonstrative
and unpredictable.

At the time this happened,
I was under the impression

I was being put on a pedestal.

My wife's not going to
like this.

She's always telling me
not to leave my ashes
on the floor.

Tonight, we present a very
warm little story called

"k*ll With Kindness. "

Reception seems to be
rather bad tonight.

Is your screen clouding up?
Mine is.

I think we better run
a test film first.

If you have no difficulty
in seeing it, we will
show you our story.

Katherine.
Katherine, look at this.

Here, dear. Here, come quick.

What is it, dear?

Look...

There. I do believe
it's a cedar waxwing.

Dear Fitz,
you and your birds.

There he goes.

Oh, it's very seldom
that you see a cedar waxwing
in the park.

Fitz, there's
that man again.

He comes every day.

Eh?

Oh, yes, yes.
You know, he's a kind man.

He likes birds.
Anybody who likes
birds is kind.

He looks about right,
don't you think?

Well, what about him?

Eh? Oh.

Oh, yes,
I think he'd be
an excellent choice.

Hmm.

Hmm.

: p. m.,

one cedar waxwing.

I'll be back soon,
dear.

All right.
Oh, Katherine.

Oh, yes?
Katherine,

about my butterfly collection,
don't you think
we could save...

Now, we've been all through
that before, haven't we, Fitz?

It seems such a shame.

I'm sorry.

I know what your butterfly
collection means to you,

but it will have to go,
like everything else.

It wouldn't look right.
You understand that,
don't you?

Yes, Katherine.

Dear Fitz.

It's always such a joy
to watch you sort
your specimens.

It's very delicate work,
you know.

Now, you're going to try
to behave yourself,
aren't you?

And you're not going
to say the wrong things?

Oh, I won't. I won't,
Katherine, I promise.

That's a dear boy.

Why, you poor man!

Me, ma'am?

Yes, you.

Are you hungry?

I guess
I'm always hungry.

I knew it.
I just knew it.

You know, I was looking
out of my window,
my house is across the street,

and I said to myself,
I said, "Katherine Oldham,

"it would be an act
of human kindness if you were
to feed that poor, poor man. "

You mean you want to
give me something to eat?

Well, why not?

You know, I made a pot of stew
for supper tonight and
there's still plenty left.

It wouldn't take me a minute
to hot it up.

Well, that's very kind
of you, ma'am, but...

Oh, bosh,
don't you go thanking me.

As I say,
it's only an act
of human kindness.

Now, come along.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, one thing.
Uh-oh.

I must warn you
about Fitzhugh.

Fitzhugh?

He's my brother.
Oh, he's very eccentric.
He says the wildest things.

But you're not to pay
any attention to it. You'll
remember that, won't you?

Oh, yes, ma'am.
I will remember.

Then come along,
and I'll put some hot food
into you right away.

Come in.
Come in.

It was just like I said,
the poor man was starved.

Oh, this is
my brother, Fitzhugh.

Yes, ma'am.
They call me Jorgy.

Delighted, Mr. Jorgy.

Won't you go right in
through that door?

Oh, he's perfect.
Perfect.

Now, you entertain our guest
while I heat the stew.

Fitz, possibly
you'd like to show him
your butterfly collection.

Oh, good.
Yes.

Do you like butterflies,
Mr. Jorgy?

I don't know much
about butterflies.

Ah, you're missing
a great thrill.
Here, let me show you.

Oh, no, here I am,
over here.

In its final
and fully developed state,

the butterfly is
the most perfect of all
diurnal lepidopteris insects.

And, oh,
so beautiful in flight.

Here,

I'm particularly proud of
this one. Difficult to catch
because it flies so high.

But I lured it into the net
with tobacco smoke.

Are you a stranger
in these parts, Mr. Jorgy?

I guess I'm a stranger
almost everywhere.
I get around a lot.

Oh. No home, no family?
No sir.

Oh, nothing good ever happens
to me. I guess I'm jinxed.

Ah, well,
you mustn't despair.
Remember,

fortune is like a glass.

The brighter the glitter,
the more easily broken.

If you have nothing,
you have nothing to lose.

I never thought about it
that way.

That's the only way
to think of it.

Please, do sit down.

Take Katherine and me,
for example.
We're impoverished.

Nothing left except this house
and my insurance policy.

But do we worry?
Certainly not.

Oh, Katherine,
Mr. Jorgy is all alone
in the world.

Oh?

Haven't you anyone,
anybody at all who might be
asking after you?

No, ma'am. I guess
ain't nobody cares
what happens to me.

Oh, but my sister and I
care very much what happens
to you, Mr. Jorgy.

Don't we, Katherine?

I'll dish up the stew.

Well, Mr. Jorgy,
come right over here
and sit down.

My sister will have
your supper in just a minute.

That's right.

Now, tell me, how do you
like our little town?

Have you been
here long?

No, sir, not long.

Have you made
any friends?

No, people ain't
very friendly to me.

A policeman told me
to be out of town
before night.

Well, don't you worry.

As far as the police
are concerned,
you've already left town.

Ah, here's Katherine
with your supper, now.

Now, you let Mr. Jorgy be,
Fitz, while he eats.
Plenty of time to talk later.

Yes, Katherine.

Now, you go right to it,
Mr. Jorgy. There's plenty more
in the kitchen.

Well, it does my heart good
to see you eat so well.

Peace of mind
always begins in the stomach,
I always say.

Where are you going,
Fitzhugh?

I have to tend to something
in the basement.

Later, Fitz.
We'll tend to it together.

Don't you think
we ought to get started?

Later, Fitzhugh.

Oh, there's one
of those pesky
moths again.

Get the insect spray,
will you?
There's a dear boy.

Now, you stop
fooling with it,
Fitz. k*ll it.

You wanted me
to k*ll it.
Oh, now, Fitz.

Yes, you did.
How could you ask me
to do a thing like that?

My sister
tried to k*ll me, you know.

Oh, Fitz!
The things you say!

Remember what
I told you, Mr. Jorgy.

Oh, yes, she did.
She tried to k*ll me.

The insurance policy
I told you about? Well,
she's the beneficiary.

Oh, I don't blame her.
It's an excellent way
to get some money.

Oh, Fitz, the stories
you make up.

What I said to her was that
there was no need to k*ll me.

All we had to do was to find
a substitute for my corpse,

then we could both enjoy
the insurance money.

Now, Fitz, you stop
talking nonsense. Stop it!
There's no reason for you
to talk to me, I...

Well, your plate is empty.
Let me get you some more.

No, ma'am,
I don't think I better.

Now, don't be bashful.

Ain't that, ma'am.
But it's getting late,
I think I better go.

You're not going to leave
this house until you've
had some coffee.

No, coffee. Thanks.
Some tea, then?

No, nothing.
Milk?

Milk?

Some nice warm milk.

Oh, it makes a body
feel so relaxed.

Fitz.

Fitz, dear.

Yes?

I think it would be an act
of human kindness

if you were to give
Mr. Jorgy a clean
suit of clothes.

We can't have him
dressed like that, dear.

What? Oh.

No.

Or maybe one of yours
would fit him.

You're about the same size.

That blue one, maybe?

Oh, all right.

And shoes.

What size do you wear,
Mr. Jorgy?

Shoes?
I don't know.

You mean,
you're gonna give me
a new suit and shoes, too?

Maybe my luck's changed.

Fitz, you take
Mr. Jorgy upstairs and
try on a suit of clothes.

And meanwhile,
I'll clear everything
off here.

But I should attend
to that job
in the basement, first.

Shouldn't I,
Katherine?

Oh, all right,
dear, you tend to it,

and I'll take
Mr. Jorgy upstairs.

Yes, Katherine.
Thank you, Katherine.

There's another
one of those
pesky moths!

Little monster.

I caught it!
I got it!

You know, Fitz doesn't
like me to k*ll them, but I do
when he's out of the room.

There, a nice little moth
for supper.

My, it looks as though
it's going to rain.

Mr. Jorgy, you'll just
have to stay the night.

Oh, no, ma'am,
I couldn't do that.

Oh, nonsense,
I insist.

Now, you come along
upstairs and try on
that suit of clothes.

This way.

Where is it?

Where did she put it?

Now, you try on the coat.

Here, I'll help you.

It's a beautiful suit.

Beautiful!

That's a perfect fit,
perfect.

Why, to look at you,
anyone would say that
you were a man of means.

Now, look in the mirror
and see for yourself.

You know,
it's very kind
of you, ma'am, to,

you know,
to give me this suit
and feed me and all.

Nonsense, it's just
a human kindness,
that's all.

A human kindness.

And now, you try on
the rest of the things,
and I'll see you downstairs.

Yes, ma'am.

There it is.

Well, Mr. Jorgy,
you look quite different.

Now, turn around and
let me see the back.

Well, I declare,
it's as though
it was made for you.

The sleeves
need a little bit
of lengthening.

Well, I'll do that
tomorrow before
you leave.

Oh, I can't stay
here tonight.

It's been so long since
I slept under a roof,
I'd be uncomfortable.

Mr. Jorgy, your saying that
makes me feel real bad.

To think of it, a man
forgetting the comforts of
clean sheets and a soft bed.

Well, I just won't
hear of it, that's all.
You're going to stay.

I'm warming
some milk for you.
Make you sleep.

Yeah, but...

Fitz will be very disappointed
if he can't show you the rest
of his butterfly collection.

Now, wait just a minute,
I'll fetch him.

Aren't you finished
yet, Fitz?

In a minute.

There.

There, there,
now I'm all ready.

Now, Fitz, you know
what you've got to do?

Yes, yes,
don't worry.

Now, tell me, so that
I can make sure that
you've got it straight.

Now, Katherine,
I won't have you
treating me like a child.

I have to make sure, you're so
forgetful, Fitz. Now tell me
once again, so I won't worry.

Oh, all right.

After the fire is started,
I'm to go upstairs...

I'm to go upstairs,

then I'm to change
into his clothes and
I'm to leave immediately.

You've forgotten
something.

I have?
No, no, no,
I remember it all.

The ring, you've got to
put the ring on his finger.

But it belonged
to grandfather.

That's why we must
leave it, to complete
the identification.

There must be
no question that the body
upstairs is yours.

Now, after you've put
the ring on his finger,
you must leave right away.

Leave right away.
Yes.

Now?

No, not until
he's asleep.

Now, tell me
where you're going?

I know, Katherine.
I know.

Tell me.

The Fenton Hotel
in Spring City.

The Trenton Hotel,
not the Fenton...

Well, what difference
does it make?
I'll find it.

Be careful, dear.

Yes, I will.
I will, I promise.

Now?

No.

And when
everything's settled

and I've collected
the insurance money,
I'll join you there.

Now, I want you to take
good care of yourself, dear.

Yes, yes,
don't worry.

Yes, the nights are cold
in Spring City. I want you to
buy some nice, warm clothes.

Burn this
in the furnace.

What is it?

It's the x-ray plates of your
teeth. You know, I went to see
that nice dentist, Dr. Craig.

How did you get them?

Well, I just took them out
of the file when he stepped
out of the room. Burn them.

Yes, Katherine.

Now, listen carefully.

I'm fixing some hot milk
and I'm putting something in
his glass to make him sleep.

Be sure you choose
the right one.

Yes, I will.
You know which?

The glass nearest your
left hand is for our guest.

The right hand, Fitz!

The right hand!

Now, let's go back upstairs.
You've got to talk to him
because he wants to leave.

Yeah.
Katherine?

Katherine, wait.
Will everything burn?
Everything?

Yes, Fitz.
Everything.

Oh, that's a pity.

Yes, he was such
a nice man.

What? Oh, no, no,
I was thinking
of my butterfly collection.

Well, now, Mr. Jorgy.

Oh, no, please,
help yourself.

What's this my sister
tells me?

You're refusing
our hospitality?

Oh, no,
it ain't that,

but you've been so kind
and all, I didn't want to
cause you any more trouble.

Oh, it's no trouble.
No trouble at all.
We're glad to have you.

Now, here we are.
You boys drink this up
before it gets cold.

Mr. Jorgy, your shoes
are so handsome,

but I think you better
tie that shoelace
or you'll go tripping.

Here, let me
hold that for you.

They're both tied.

Oh, dear me,
I can't see a thing
without my spectacles.

Well, drink up.

This one's known
as the zebra.

It's found in the southern
United States, although it's
sometimes been known to stray

as far north as Kansas.

It flies deep
in the woods...

Deep in the woods or

around the edges.

Our guest
must be tired.

Well, it's time
we all went to bed.

Fitz, why don't you take
Mr. Jorgy upstairs,
and tell him where things are.

Come along,
Mr. Jorgy.

Time for a
good night's rest, eh?

Night, ma'am.

Good night, Mr. Jorgy.

Here we are.
I hope you'll be
very comfortable.

Now, if there's anything
you want, you just be sure
and let me know.

Look, this is...
This is your room
and your bed, ain't it?

Now, don't you worry
about that.

Well,
good night.

And pleasant dreams.

Wait a minute, dear.
Where are you going?

To start the fire,
of course.

Oh, you know
I can't let you do that,
dear. It's too risky.

Oh, but I want to
start the fire.
I like starting fires.

Oh, I know you do, dear,
but if you botched it.

Katherine,
you never let me
do anything important.

Oh, everything you do
is important, dear.

Now, now,
come on upstairs,
and we'll see

whether Mr. Jorgy
is resting comfortably.

Now, come on, dear.

Mr. Jorgy?

Mr. Jorgy?

Now, Fitz, you know
what you have to do.

I won't call for help
until the fire
reaches this floor,

and then
you'll be far away.

I'd rather
start the fire.

Now, Fitz,
you put on
his clothes.

Oh, all right.

A beautiful fire,
Katherine, beautiful.

Everything will burn
and fly up and up and up.

You haven't changed,
hurry.

What are you doing?
Put that down!

Please, Katherine.
Please, please,
Katherine, just this one,

my zebra. You know
how difficult it was
for me to find. Please.

No! You are to change
your clothes and then leave
the house by the kitchen.

Please, Katherine,
my zebra, please.

Your ring!
Why didn't you
do what I said?

You wouldn't
let me start the fire.

You've got to go
back upstairs

and put that ring
on his finger
right away!

If I hadn't noticed it,
our whole plan
might have failed.

Katherine, look.

Pull it off,
hurry. Hurry!

I can't,
it's on too tight.

Pull it!
Pull it!

It won't pull off.

Katherine, what are we
going to do?
It's got initials on it.

Here, let me
take it off.

Katherine,
we got to leave here,
never mind about him.

Oh, no, they're sure
to notice the ring.

They'll know it isn't you.
There'll be an investigation.

Mr. Jorgy!
Mr. Jorgy!

Mr. Jorgy!
Wake up!
Wake up!

We haven't got time,
let's go...

Dear, we've got to
take him with us.
Mr. Jorgy!

Hurry! Help me, Fitz!

Come on, Mr. Jorgy, sit...

My bird, I've got to
save my bird.

Now, Fitz!
Fitz, I can't carry him,
I don't have the strength.

You've got to help me.

But what about my bird?

I'll get him. Hurry, Fitz!

Come along,
Mr. Jorgy.
Come along, sit up.

Sit up, that's right.
Here, put an arm
around my shoulder.

Come on, now.
Come on.

We're only going for a walk.

That's right.

Number two hose.
Come on, boys, check that
last roof over there.

Come on!
On the double, let's go!

It's all my fault.
I'm a jinx.

Drink some of this coffee,
Mr. Oldham, it'll make
you feel better.

Oh, you take care
of Mr. Jorgy.
He needs it more.

Aw, that's just like you,
never thinking of yourself.

You're a real hero,
Mr. Oldham.

Yes, I am,
aren't I?

May I have
a cup of coffee, please?

Yes, of course.

Is everyone here,
all right?

Oh, fine, thank you, fine.

That was mighty
fast thinking, sir.

He's a real hero.

Well, somebody had to do it.
See, Mr. Jorgy was overcome
with smoke and my sister...

Well, you know
how women are
in an emergency.

Poor Katherine,
she always loses
her head.

I thought I'd better
get out of there.

I just remembered
that my tumbrel
is double parked.

I shall return next week
at the same time
to bring you another story,

and to relate
the further adventures
of Alfred Hitchcock.

Good night.