04x10 - Thanksgiving '91

[bunniefuu]

Becky, this ain't
art class.

Put a glob on,
then check your turkey.

I already stuffed it,
seasoned it,
and basted it.

What should I do next,
massage it?

Whatever
floats your boat.

You still
mashing those yams?

I'm trying
to get the fly.

Oh, man,
it's a big one, too,
isn't it?

Yeah.

We'll just
add some raisins.

Mom!

All right.
Throw it away and
start a new batch.

Becky, look! It came out
of its hole

to forage for food.

Sometimes they'll eat
out of your hand.

Get the camera.

That was so funny,
I'm going back to bed.

Guess what, Darlene?
You're making
the fruit salad.

Guess what, Becky?
You're a big mo.

Guess what, Darlene?

You're making
the fruit salad,

or I'll break
your neck.

Dan, could you
go to the garage

and get the card table
and dust it off?

I could, but I'd miss
the bears-lions
pre-game show,

and that would
be wrong.

You're not
parking your butt
on that sofa

while we're in here
slaving away.

What, exactly, is it
that you're doing?

I'm pacing myself.

Hey. Grocery patrol
reporting as ordered.

Oh, good. Roseanne's
famous homemade
pumpkin pies.

Don't forget
your famous homemade
dessert topping.

I'm out of here.

Where are you going?

Home to change.
I'll be back
in an hour.

You're
hiding from mom,

Then at : you'll
say you had cramps.

I'm not doing that
this year, Roseanne.

I'm a different person.
I can handle my mother.

Although
the terrible bloating

may force me
to leave early.

I'm done with
the stupid fruit salad.

Aren't you supposed
to peel the fruit?

I'm not eating
this crap.

Why should I
make it?

You're not
having dinner?

I opt not to celebrate
the exploitation
of indians

by religious fanatics.

Good point. No sale.

I want to hang out
in my room alone.

Why can't you people
understand that?

God, Dan, your daughter
is really starting
to get on my nerves.

Come here, little Ed.

You're getting so big,

We'll start calling you
big little Ed.

He puts on a pound
every day.

That's Dan's average.

All muscle, babe.

[Belches]

Let me hold him.

Oh, look at those
big, blue eyes!

Oh, you're so cute.
I want one.

O.k., Becky,
that's enough
for you.

Would you
get the diapers
from the car?

I'll do it later.

Hey, Lonnie.
You like football?

Hate it.

Oh. Football's great
for hatred.

You can hate
the refs,

Hate the opposing
quarterback,

And you've got
to hate those guys

whose faces
are painted blue.

Hello, hello,
everybody!

Hi.

Hello, Roseanne.

Oh, my aching butt.

Stop it, mother.
That's a brand-new car.

Happy thanksgiving.

So how
was the drive?

I'd forgotten
it was so long.

Where's dad?

He couldn't make it.
He's under the weather.

He's sick, what's
the matter with him?

I brought
my special stuffing.

I already made
stuffing.

All right.
You'll eat
your stuffing.

Everybody else
will eat mine.

Who needs a drink?

I'd love
half a glass of wine.

Oh, yeah.
Half a glass
of wine.

Bring out
the bottle.

Yeah? What do you
need, Mary?

I need
three fingers
of bourbon,

And a beer
chaser.

One big boiler
coming up.

Grandma. Hi!

Hello,
little hardbody.

How do you keep
that body
so damn trim?

It's her nerves.
Nervous people
are too thin.

Here we go.

It's true I read it
in a magazine.

Before you even ask,
I'm doing great.

I don't have
a boyfriend now,

but it's because
I'm feeling
independent

and secure,

and I feel better
about myself

than I have
in years.
That's the truth.

Well, that certainly
was a mouthful,
wasn't it?

Becky!

Well, nice going,
silver tongue.

Where's dad?

She says he's sick.

I talked to him
a few days ago.
He was fine.

You cut your hair!

Do you like it?

What's important is
that you like it, dear.

Roseanne,
I notice your table
is not set.

You do plan
on setting it,
don't you?

No. I'll throw
the food on the floor

and have everybody
fight for it.

Well, I'll set
the table.

Where's
the good china?

Over at your house
till the reading
of the will.

[Knock on door]

Enter and die.

I need a little
breather.

Grandma, huh?

Yeah. I mean,
she's o.k.,

But sometimes
I just...

Hate her guts?

Yeah.

I mean, no.
Nobody hates
their mom.

At least,
you're not
supposed to.

Well, mi casa
es su casa.

Catcher in the rye?
oh, god, that's
a good one.

Yeah.
Did you read it?

No. But we were
assigned to read it
in high school.

That was
my sophomore year.

Yeah, 'cause
I had this crush
on Terry Halligan.

He was this
great-looking
college guy.

So I shortened
all my skirts

And didn't
crack open a book.

Then report cards
came out,
mom grounded me,

And that was the end
of Terry Halligan.

She was always
doing that stuff!
This other time--

Jackie, would you
like to read a book?

Yeah, sure.

There's
some Kurt Vonnegut
on the top shelf.

Oh! Cat in the hat.
perfect.

Well, yes, honey,
we miss you so much.

Stop that, Ed.
People are listening.

Well, they can hear me,
and I said "stop that."

They all know
what that means.

Oh, Ed, you're terrible!

Ha ha ha ha!

Give--you--you--

Whoa, me wear
something strapless?

O.k., dad,
but first I have
to shave my back.

Yeah, and you're
an old pervert!

We understand.
You got stuck
on the road.

Of course you couldn't
see it coming.

Buffalo. Winter. Snow.

What are the odds?

O.k., buddy.
I'll talk to you
when you get back.

I'd better get going.
Jackie needs the phone.

You're really sucking up
that chardonnay, beverly.

It's my first glass,
mother.

Quit treating me
like a child!

First glass,
my aching butt!

How much
has grandma had?

Six fingers,
and a very
generous thumb.

Your dad says
to save him
a big turkey leg.

His name's Ed,
and he's my stepdad.

And he says
he misses you.

I'm not sitting
at the kids' table.

You can talk
to Becky.

No way, you guys.
I'm .

I'm not watching
D.J. Make another
mashed potato town.

Well, looks like D.J.
is the kiddies table.

Kind of pathetic,
isn't it?

All right, everybody
eats in the kitchen.

Grab a chair.

I just called dad again.
Still no answer.

I said he was sick.

Maybe you shouldn't
have left him alone.

He's not that sick.
He's fine.

Why didn't he answer
the phone?

Maybe he didn't hear it.

He's nearly deaf
in one ear.

How many ears
does it take
to hear the phone?

Usually he sleeps
on his good one.

Are you buying this?

Uh-uh. Not me.

O.k., girls, there is
something you should know,

but I don't think
now is the time.

Now is
the perfect time.

We want to know now.

You have a fight?

We'll talk about it
after dinner.

Uh-uh, no way,

Because there
won't be a dinner
unless you tell us.

Fine.

This year, your father
is spending thanksgiving

with his girlfriend.

Now, let's eat.

My, that turkey
smells delicious.

Now, Crystal, that car seat
is from Rodbell's.

If you want to take it back,

the receipt's
in the box.

No, I love it.

Al and I felt
the baby would enjoy it.

There's a little
steering wheel

and a little horn.

There's nothing
he can swallow,

and he can chew
on all of it.

She hasn't
stopped yakking
since we sat down.

Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

The woman's a mental case.

Dad?

Dad?

What do you need, Deej?

I can't hear anything
anybody's saying.

No wonder
the kid can't hear.

He's practically
sitting in the john.

We'll try
to talk louder, D.J.

What?

She said
to shut up and eat.

Becky, I thought Mark
was coming.

He was supposed to,

but he decided
to have TV dinners
with his buddies.

That reminds me
of the cutest TV show--

No, it doesn't.

So, where's Darlene?

The daughter of doom?

She's upstairs hiding
from the sunlight.

You know,
now I think I got it.

Wait a minute--
you married Dan's father,

And Dan is married
to my granddaughter.

So that makes your baby...

Nothing to me.

Honey,
would you stop that?

Lonnie, I said please.

Stop it!

Stop what?

D.J.!

Well, I hope
you all noticed--

the only thing
that kid ate
was my stuffing.

I think
I lost my appetite.

I'll go talk to her.

Nobody touch that plate.
I ain't done.

Can I be excused?

Yeah, yeah, just
get out of here.

If it wasn't
for all that jabbering,

it was a very fine meal.

I'm glad you think so,

because this is
the last thanksgiving

I'm ever having.

Do you realize there
are four generations

of our family
in this kitchen right now?

I'm so proud
I could just burst.

I'd pay to see that.

I'll have my coffee
in the living room.

No, you will not,

because you're going
to spill your guts.

Roseanne...

Sit.

What's going on?

It's very simple.

Your father has met
a younger woman.

She's and works
in his office.

Then you'll
just have to throw
his sorry butt out.

No, I will not.

You mean you're
going to just stay
with the jerk?

We've only heard
one side of this story.

He's years old.
He's screwing around.

That's disgusting.
That's his side.

I knew she'd take up
for her father.

That is so typical.

I guess none of us here
have never made
a mistake. Please.

Should
I hear this?

No. Get out.

I'm sorry.

Wait. How long has
the affair been going on?

I've known about it
for a couple of years,

and this morning he finally
decided to tell me.

He's been seeing
some office tramp
for two years

And you never
said anything?

Come on, beverly,
grow up.

You can't let a man
walk all over you like that.

I didn't want
to rock the boat.

What boat? You
don't have a boat.

You have
a lousy marriage.

Watch your mouth,
young lady.

This is serious stuff.

People get divorced
over stuff like this.

I'm too old to start
my life over again.

Let me handle it my way.

I'm telling him
what I think. Where is he?

This isn't about
your father,

this is about
my husband.

I want you to stay
out of it. Please!

You're her mother.
Do something.

When she asks for my help,

I'll arrange to have
your father k*lled.

But until then,
you got to understand--

She's scared.
She doesn't know how
to live alone.

Maybe that's the way
I raised her.

Maybe I should
blame myself.

Who the hell needs that?

Does anybody
want any pie?

You don't want
to sneak beers?

No.

Let's at least go
get some hot dogs.
I'm starved.

I'm trying to read.

My mom says
you're having
a nervous breakdown.

Yeah, I could snap
any minute.

Is that how come
the black clothes?

Uh-huh. They gave them
to me at the asylum.

Stop it.
I'm not a kid.

You're a fetus.

You turned into
a complete dork.

People change.
Get used to it or die.

[Knock on door]

Hey!

Ho ho ho ho!

Aah-ha.

I used to be a pretty good
nerf ball player.

I was going to turn pro--

Did mom tell you
to talk to me?

No, I'm just making sure
Darlene was having any fun.

Anyway, you're out of here.

The baby's ready to go.

Right. He's the boss.

When my dad's gone,
you're the man
of the house.

I was before
your dad moved in.

O.k, forget
man of the house.

I don't know where
was going with that.

The thing is,
your attitude--

the way you
tick everybody off--

it's not going
to get you anywhere.

Great. I got
another new father.

Actually, you got
a new big brother.

If you act like this
next thanksgiving,

I'll knock you down
and sit on
your head.

Kids.

Right.

Listen, I got an idea.

Let's ditch the fossils
and catch a late movie.

You still
don't get it, do you?

No, Darlene, I don't.

You've been moping
around for two months

And I don't have a clue.

I'm not trying to be mean.

Just stop worrying
about me.

I can't help it.

I know we're not
best buddies anymore.

We don't even talk
anymore.

Well, I talk.
Nobody listens.

I just want
to finish my book.

I just came up here
to get Lonnie anyway.

Did I interrupt something?

She wants to be
left alone.

Who doesn't?

Well, what's new
at the zoo?

Not much.

Thanks, but
I'm really not hungry.

This isn't for you.
This is mine.

I'm not
bothering you, am I?

No, you're cool.

I can't wait to get
a place of my own.

Try New York.
They got great
Chinese food there.

Anything to
get out of Lanford.
It's so phony here.

All the kids at school
have totally changed.

I'm a freak
because I don't kiss up
to juniors and seniors.

I know
exactly how you feel.

Where I come from,

If you don't play bridge
hours a day

They think
you're a communist.

Why can't people
just let you be yourself?

Have you ever felt
like you don't want
to talk to anybody?

Like you just need
to figure things out?

I get this perfect image
of what I want to be,

But at school I'm just
this total geek again.

You're young.
You got to give it time.

Tell that to my parents.

They want to know
what the problem is,

But how can I tell them
if I don't know?

Darlene,
be patient with them.

Yeah, I guess.

Have a little turkey.

No, thanks. I've decided
to quit eating meat.

Well, the stuffing
you're scarfing down
is full of meat.

Oh.

I meant
big chunks of meat.

Well, thanks again, Roseanne,
I had a wonderful time.

What's it take
to make you miserable?

Well, anyway,
the food was good.

Bye, Dan.

Drop by the shop.
I'll give you work.

That's cool.

Thanks a lot, Dan.

Hey, Crystal, tell my
dad he better not
leave me alone

for the new year's games
I'm going to kick his butt.

I don't want any arguments.

I'm sleeping
on the pull-out tonight.

I don't care
how lumpy it is.

I thought we had
nana Mary this year.

No way.
I've got nana Mary.

Come on, Jackie.
These party poopers
are turning in.

Let's hit a bar.

Hold on a second.

Mom, I guess I'll see you
when I see you.

Good luck with
your trucking career.

Good night, grandma.

We'll see you, nana.

Hey, cave man,
don't get fresh with me.

I'm just frisking you
for silverware,

You crazy bat.

[Telephone rings]

I got it.

Come back
real soon, nana.

Why?

Oh, Dan,
my overnight bag
is in the car.

Would you mind
getting it?

Heck, yes.
Of course I would.

O.k., grandpa.

Mom, it's
grandpa Harris.

Your father wants
to talk to you.

Hi, dad.

Yeah, yeah.
Happy thanksgiving
to you, too.

Listen,
I talked to mom,
and she, uh...

told me you weren't
feeling very good.

We're going to send
some leftovers home
with her for you.

That's a good girl.

I can't wait to get
together with you,
either, dad.

We'll sit down
and have ourselves
a great little chat.

Yeah, well,
you know, I'm...

Hey.

Hi.

Sorry there's
no fruit salad.

Yeah, well...

Uh...it's weird
about grandpa.

Yeah.

I mean,
he's, like, .

I didn't think that
was medically possible.

Well...

Man, you missed
a great one this year.

Well, maybe next year.

No way. Uh-uh. Not with
these relatives.

I made you a, uh...
plate, though.

Oh, I'm not that hungry.

Good, 'cause I ate it
an hour ago.

Still not smoking, huh?

Oh, yeah--I ate
your pie, too.