07x23 - The Bachelor Party

[bunniefuu]

- I got to tell you, ray,

This is the worst bachelor party
I've ever been to.

- I'm enjoying it.

- Come on.

It's his last chance for fun
before he moves out

And becomes mr. Amy macdougall.

Besides,
what are you complaining about?

You've won every hand.

- It's three people.
I'm up 35¢.

- How many you want?

- Three.





[Knock at door]

- All right...

What'd you guys do?

Who's this gonna be?

Hector?

- I need to show a guy
the apartment.

I'm right in the middle
of my bachelor party.

- We'll just be one second.

This is the living room,
and here is the kitchen.

The bedroom's back there.

Don't worry,
I have a chemical

That will completely
take care of the smell.

- I'm kinda looking
for something a little bigger.

- Bigger?
No, no, no.





He's lived here
for four years,

And he's muy grande.

- That's okay.

Sorry to bother you guys.

- All right,
so where were we?

Hector.

Hector.

- You said your disposal
is broken.

- I called you three months ago.

- So here I am.

- Look, hector, if...

[Disposal rattling]

- All right, come on.

Forget about it.
How many you want?

- Give me two.

[Pager beeping]

- Oh, wait a minute.
That's my beeper.

- So.

- This is that waitress I met.

She said she'd page me if we
could hook up after work.

- Well, so call her and tell her
you'll see her later.

- Ray, this girl
is into me right now.

Time is my enemy.

- Well, whoa, wait.

It's the middle of the party.

- Hey, I'm sorry, man.

I mean, you understand, right?

- Oh, yeah, of course.

I mean, I'm getting married,
but I'm still a guy, right?

- Thanks, robert.

Amy's a great girl.
I wish you all the best.

Let's go, ray.

- I'm not--i'm not going.

- My car is at your house,
you idiot.

You've got to drive me back.

- Oh.

All right, look, I'll just-
I'll drive him,

And then--
and then I'll come back for you.

- No, lookit,
don't worry about it.

- What do you mean?
Of course I'm coming back.

This is your special night.

[Disposal rattling]

- No, listen, it's okay.
It's getting late.

You probably have a lot of stuff
to do tomorrow.

- Well, all right.
You sure?

- Oh, yeah, yeah,
this was fun.

I had a great time.

- Yeah, it was fun.
- All right.

- All right.
Come on, you dope.

- Well, all finished.

- Oh, thanks, hector.

- Robert,

Let me ask you just man to man,

What is that smell?

- Hey.

- Hey.
What are you doing home?

- Nothing.

We had the party,
and it's done.

- The bachelor party's
over already?

- Yep.

- Ray, it's 8:30.

- Hey, uh, I want
some of this jell-o,

But I don't want to get a spoon.

Is that gonna upset you?

- Raymond, how could you?

- We just got off the phone
with robert.

- He told us about
your so-called party.

You completely let him down
on his special night.

- What?
We had a good time.

- Then why did he sound
so depressed?

- Because he's robert.

- He told me he spent
the last half hour

Gambling with his super.

The party kept going
even after I left.

- He lost his security deposit.

- How is that a party?

- Look, this is what
robert wanted.

When we talked about it,

He said,
"don't make a big deal."

- Well, of course
he said that.

When someone says,
"don't make a big deal,"

It always means
make a big deal.

- No, no. Robert doesn't do
that womanish double-talk.

- Actually,
he's been talking about

A bachelor party for months.

- He has?

- Yes;
he was all excited

Wondering what you
had in store for him.

I'm sorry, ray.

I don't want to make you
feel bad about this.

I just think that maybe you...

Really screwed up.

- Oh.

- Raymond, you're gonna have
to give him another party.

- Yes, and this time, do it
the way you're supposed to.

Make it a big deal.

- Debra's right.

- Ray, he's your brother.

Make it something
he'll remember.

- Are you giving me permission
to get a stripper?

[Together]
no.

- Well, what, then?
What are we talkin' about?

- Just make a fun party,
a big shindig.

- A "shindig"?

- Oh, could he invite
my father and my brother?

- Well, wait a minute;
they hardly know robert...

Or like him.

- You know, actually, this party
could be the first step

In bringing everybody together
and ending the tension.

Ooh, now I am
getting excited.

- Ooh, me too.

- Listen, ask frank if he can
have it at the lodge.

- He can make it
a surprise party.

- Ooh, yes.

And when robert comes in,

Everybody should sing
"for he's a jolly good fellow."

- Oh. Can you imagine
his face?

- Oh. And I'll tell
his cousin gerard

To bring his accordion.

- I love gerard.

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

Ray, make sure
when you call the guys

You to tell 'em
it's a surprise party.

- Oh, they'll be surprised.

- Ray, you're doing this.

- I'm not having a shindiggy,

Accordionic sing-a-long
at the lodge.

I mean,
do you hear yourselves?

This is as lame as it gets.

- No, raymond.

When a person breaks the heart
of his only brother...

That's as lame as it gets.

- All right.

- Ooh, good.

Thank you, raymond.

- Yes, thanks, ray.

- This is a good thing
you're doing.

You know, whether someone
says so or not,

Everybody likes to be
treated special.

- Listen, if you want to
treat me special right now...

- I'm a little tired.

I've got jell-o.

- Hey, garvin.

- Hey, ray's here.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

- Listen,
what are you doing?

You're supposed to be outside
watching for robert.

Come on.

- Oh, yeah.
I'd better get out there.

Hey, look out.

- Ray, you know,
they got no alcohol here.

- What do you mean?
There's a bar right here.

- You're supposed to bring
your own liquor, dopey.

We don't keep liquor here
at the lodge.

- You guys swim naked together.

You--you're telling me
there's no alcohol involved?

- No, we lost
our liquor license

After vinnie tried to sh**t
an owl with a flare g*n.

- So a bachelor party
with no alcohol.

Nice goin', ray.

- Hey, ray, check it out.

[Playing
"for he's a jolly good fellow"]

- That's good.
It's good. It's good.

You know what?
Why don't you do it over there.

This way, when he comes in...
You're over there.

- Sure.
I'll stay limber.

[Continues playing]

- Hey, ray,

Let me use your belt
so I can hang myself.

- Come on, huh?
It's not that bad.

- Uh...yeah, it is.

- Hello, raymond.

- Oh, hey.
Hi, hank.

- Well, if it isn't
hickory and dickory.

- Hello, frank.

- Hello, hickory.

- Dad, come on.

Guys, I'm really glad
you could come.

- Well, amy had
a long talk with me,

And she's asked me to...

Make an effort
with your family.

- And I'm gonna
make an effort,

Because I'm a christian.

- Hey, ray, you want
to liven things up?

I'll put in a call
to carol.

She's a real favorite
at these kind of events.

- Oh, my.

- No, that's okay.

Look, stan, no strippers.

- Good for you, raymond.

- No strippers?

- No strippers?
- Come on.

- I had my boss
pay me in singles.

- We're out of here, ray.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, you guys can't leave, man.

- No drinking?
No strippers?

I'm a married man.
You can't do this to me.

- Look, I'm sorry, all right?
Come on, guys.

Everybody come here, please.

Listen, everybody,
please listen to me.

I'm under
a lot of pressure here

To make sure robert
has a good time, okay?

Now, I'm sorry
there's no drinks.

I'm sorry
there's no strippers.

[Discontented chattering]

All right, I know.

Look, we could all watch tv
till robert gets here, okay?

There, watch the game.

Everybody, please,
just watch the game.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

What...
What the hell is this?

- It's the banner you ordered.

- It's supposed to say
"congratulations, robert."

- I think on the phone
you said, "woody."

- No. No.

Robert.
"Congratulations, robert."

I can't use this.

- Well, we've got some balloons,

But we can't blow 'em up.

- Look, just get something.

We'll cover up the "woody" part.

Just get something,
and we'll cover it up.

- Hey, ray.

What's goin' on?

Who's woody?

- You are.

- What?

[Playing
"for he's a jolly good fellow"]

- ♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny

- Whoo-hoo.

They were supposed
to sing along,

But I forgot to tell 'em.

- Wow.

So all these people
are here...for me?

- Yeah, yeah, it's your, uh,
surprise bachelor party.

Surprise.

[All, weakly]
surprise.

- Wow.

I had no idea.
Thank you.

With a change of pants for dad,
I was prepared for the worst.

- Yeah.

- But you already had a party
for me at my apartment.

- Yeah, but that was lame.

Or--or the decoy or something.

That was pretty good, right?

- Oh.

- He's coming.

- Yeah, uh...

He's actually right here,
garvin.

- Oh.

I saw him get out of the car.

But then I must have dozed off.

- Wow, raymond.

So you did all of this
for me, huh?

- Yeah.

- The place looks great.

- You like this?

- Who wouldn't?

- Well...that's great.

All right, good.
I'm glad you're happy.

- What are you saying, raymond?

You're glad that I'm happy?

- Yeah. Actually, yeah.

Hey, hey.
Look who's here.

- Hello, robert.

Congratulations.

- Yeah, dude.

- How are you?

That you two came
really means a lot to me.

- Yeah, it's good.
It's nice.

Hank, you want some soda?

- Actually, I never drink
carbonated beverages.

- So how are you doing?

- Oh,
I'm doing great.

It's nice to have
all these friends here.

- Yeah.

So, uh, amy told me

That ray threw you another one
of these parties last week.

Like, uh, a really bad one, huh?

- Yeah.
Yeah, the decoy.

- Oh...that was a decoy.

Jeez, well, you know,
now I'm confused,

Because, um, I had heard
that because of that one,

Amy, debra, and your mom

Forced ray into
throwing this one.

Yeah.

No, I mean, jeez,
amy begged us to come,

But, uh...

Hey, it turned out great, right?

Look, everyone's having a blast.

Jeez.

Your brother must
really love you, there...

Woody.

Ray, hey, happenin' party.

- What the hell
is wrong with you?

- What?

- Why would you say that to him?

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

Dad?

I think I'm getting
one of my dizzy spells.

Do you think maybe
we could leave now?

- But we just got here.

- You know, ray,
I would love

But I am really getting
light-headed here, sorry.

Is someone wearing
a citrus-based cologne?

Come on, dad--

- No, no.
I want to talk to you.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Now, don't go all mafia
on me here, okay?

- Maybe we should
go home, son.

You can lie down in the van.

Raymond, thanks so much
for inviting us.

I enjoyed the fact that you
didn't have stripping women.

- Why didn't you punch that guy
in the nose?

- All right, dad, not now, okay?

- I was ready
to deck that hank.

- Okay, everybody go back
to partying. Go.

Hey, listen, robert,
sorry, you know, about him.

He's crazy.
You know him.

He's peter, peter,
ritalin eater.

- It's true what he said,
raymond, isn't it?

- Well, that the girls made you
throw me this party

And that the other one
wasn't a decoy and...

That that was all
you were gonna do.

- No, man.
No. No.

- Now, now, look, raymond,
it's okay.

I know you.

I know that sometimes
you can be a little selfish

And thoughtless...
Dishonest.

You remember halloween...

1967?

You unwrapped a chocolate bar
out of my bag

And replaced it
with a cat poo.

- I'm sorry.

I don't blame you
for being mad at me.

- I'm not mad at you, raymond.

And you know why?

- Because somewhere there's
a cat poo waiting for me?

- No.

In spite of all of this,

When you said
that you were happy,

That I was happy,

You meant that.

And that was the best surprise.

- Yeah, okay--
- no, no.

No, you...you meant that.

And that means the most to me.

I've got to hug you.
Come here.

Come here.

- Hey, you want to get out
of here and get some drinks?

- That would be great.

- Hey, hey, guys,
we're hittin' a bar.

- Whoo.
- Let's go.

- Hey, look.
They served cake.

- Good ol' woody.

- Try one of these.

Both: hi.

- Hello, ladies.

- Did you boys have a good time?

- Yes, we did.

- So good that we had to
take a cab home.

- Well, why don't you
tell them everything?

Hi, mommy.

- Oh, I love to see
you boys like this.

- Loaded?

- No, happy.
Look at them.

- So the party
was a big success, huh?

- The party...stunk.

But never underestimate
the importance

Of the after party.

- Yes.
- No.

- Yes.
- No.

- Yes.
- No.

- Yes.
- Yes. Hah.

- Uh-oh.

So what did you guys do?

- Enough talking.

Maybe you should take me home.

- Oh, my.

- I bet there were strippers.

Were there strippers?

- No.

That's why we're here.

Hi.

- Oh, god.
Every woman's dream.

- I can imagine what's
waiting for me at home.

Good night.

- Shall we?

- I've never seen you
like this.

You're not gonna throw up,
are you?

- I already did.

- [Sighs]

What are you looking at?

- Nothin'.

But I know I'm goin' upstairs
with one of you two.