07x15 - Bed and Bored

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Beck.
Hey, Dad.

When you were walking
around the house this morning,

in and out of various rooms,
you know, observing things,

you didn't happen to see
my pants, did you?

You lost your pants?

Not all of 'em.

For your information,
little girl,

I have a very important meeting
with my supervisor today,

so I need my Dockers.

I don't know
where they are.

Ask Mom.

I can't ask your mother.

The doctor said
she needed a week

of total
stress-free bedrest

and you know
how she hates it
when I lose my pants.

Then wear
your regular pants.

Dad--
Just a minute, D.J.

These are executives, Becky.

I can't just waltz in there
with my regular pants.

We'll never get that
new vending machine.

So?

So, what am I supposed
to tell my men?

That I was kidding about
the frozen snack treats?

I'd have a riot on my hands.

I gotta talk to Mom about
something for school.

Whoa! Don't bother
your mother.

I will tell you
everything you need
to know about school.

You have to stay
until you're ,
now scoot.

Well, I need something
for a bake sale

and I told everybody she makes
the best cookies in town.

I'm sorry, D.J.,
but your mother's

just too sick
to drive to the bakery.

But I promised!

D.J.!

[Roseanne]
You okay out there?

Never felt younger
or more refreshed.

Let's see.

Okay, we got frosting
and half a meatloaf.

I'd get real scarce
after they sell that.

[Jackie]
Dan? Dan?

How's Roseanne doing?
Oh, she's resting.

Listen, you didn't happen
to see a pair of pants

on the front lawn
when you pulled up
this morning?

Things a little
hectic, huh?
Are you kidding?

The kids have school,
they want breakfast,

people have to go to work.

I'll tell you one thing:
she sure picked

one heck of a day
to get sick.

Yeah, I hear you.

Listen, could you
do me a favor?

I don't know,
does it involve
strangling you?

'Cause I'll make
time for that.

Well, I wouldn't ask,
but Fred and I

need a babysitter
for Tuesday night,

so we were hoping that
maybe you guys could--

Never mind.

No, no.
Please finish.

That we could, what?
Recommend somebody?

Sure, who was the guy
the Lindberghs used?

No.

I'll get somebody else
to babysit.

Someone who loves children.

Get out of my way, D.J.!

I need the car
just as much
as you do, Mark.

Why should you get it?

I'll give you
five good reasons.

One, two, three,
four, five.

What are you gonna
do with that?

Wave at me?

Ow, ow!

Come on,
you're wearing a ring.

Mr. Conner, will you
please tell Mark

that he can't
just have the car
whenever he wants it?

There's gotta
be a fair way
to settle this.

I don't know what it is,
so I suggest a slap fight.

Fine, you wanna
make this ugly?

I'm getting Mrs. Conner.

No. Everybody stop!

Okay, the doctor said
Mrs. Conner is sick

and has to stay in bed
for the next week.

Okay?

That means
for the next seven days,

under no circumstance
is any stress allowed
in that bedroom.

Therefore,
you will all grow up

and take care
of yourselves around here!

You will cook
for yourselves,

you clean up
after yourselves,

and you think
for yourselves!

Got it?

[all]
Yes.

Okay, now everybody
spread out

and find my pants.

[laughing]

Mom, you'rehere...

Yeah.
...instead of Fred.

Hi, hi!

It's just that I assumed
that because Fred

was babysitting
when I left

that that when I returned,
he would still be here,

but, no, it's my mother.

How nice.

Oh, it's no trouble really.

Fred had to get
some more diapers

and I was here
to see Andy anyway.

You shouldn't have to come
all the way over here

to see your grandson.

What, did you lose
the picture we gave you?

Hey, honey.
Hey, Bev.

Okay, Andy,
I got the diapers.

Let her rip!

Speaking of little accidents,
when I babysit,

I'll need a list
of emergency numbers.

I checked next
to the phone

and I see that
in case of fire,

there are over
Chinese restaurants
I can call.

Did you say "babysit"?

Hey, honey, good news.

You know how we
talked about going out
on a date once a week?

Well, Bev's offered
to babysit on Tuesday nights.

Well, that's great.
That's great.

Is--But, uh, see,
there's trouble.

'Cause, uh...

I just gave the job
to this lady I met.

What lady?

What lady?
The, uh--

The--pffft.

Wrote the name down,
but I--I left it.

You wanna leave our baby
with somebody whose name

you don't even know?

Fred, like she's not gonna
introduce herself.

Why don't you call her
and tell her

we'd rather have
Andy's grandmother?

Oh, yeah. Okay.
Uh...

Well, there's trouble there

'cause, uh--
'cause she's deaf

and she won't hear
the phone ring.

I don't think
that's really somebody

you want watching the child.

She has eyes, Mother.

Bev, would you mind
putting Andy down?

Ooh, I'd love it.

I'll find some of his
cleaner stuffed animals

to put in the crib with him.

Come on.
Come on.

Thanks, Mom.

[whispers]
Don't you dare
call her "Mom".

You may call her
"Bev" or "Sea Hag."

What is bugging you?
Have you lost your mind?

I don't want
that old woman
around the baby.

You're being ridiculous.

Bev gets along
with him great
and he loves her!

What does he know?
He loves my house keys.

Come on, Jackie.

You've gotta admit
whenever she comes over,

his face just lights up.

He is laughing at her.
I taught him that.

He looks like an angel.

Oh, Jackie, I've rearranged
the changing table

so it makes sense.

Look, when she's
babysitting,

you won't have to
be around her.

Come on, Jackie,
you owe it to the kid

to try to make things up
with his grandmother.
All right, fine.

It's just that none of this
would've happened

if you hated her
like a normal person.

Well, time for me
to hit the hay.

It's my turn to take care
of Andy in the morning.

Oh, how nice.

You have a husband
who lets you sleep in

while he does
your work for you.

Mom, about Tuesday nights--

Oh, my pleasure.

I can see as long
as I have a dustrag,

I'll never be bored.

Well, the job is yours
if you could just do me

one little favor.

What, dear?
Not a big favor.

It's just, uh, something
I've always wanted you to do

and it'd make me
feel better

about you spending time
with Andy.

Well, of course.
What is it?

Um, say that
every single thing

you ever did
in my life was wrong.

What?

Every decision you made,
everything you said,

every look you gave,
wrong, wrong, wrong.

What are you
talking about?

I'm talking about
the way you raised me.

Well, I don't believe
it was wrong.

You don't have to
believe it.

You just have to say it.

You've lost your mind.

Not allowed to write it.

And you can't sing it.

You must say it
loud and clear.

"Everything I did was wrong!"

I most certainly will not.

Well, then you can't
babysit your grandson.

But...that's just wrong!

Oh...that was close.
Not close enough.

Well!

Oh, man,
this is so great, Dan.

Look at me:
I'm laying in bed,
reading the Inquirer,

eating this Cheese Whiz
right out of the bottle

just like the queen
of England.

Not quite, honey.

The queen of England can't get
The Dukes of Hazzard.

Happy now?

My foot's kinda blocking
my view here.

Mark.

That leg gets crossed again,
honey, just give us a call.

I just wanted to tell you
that I finished

working your shift
at the diner.

Oh, great.
How were the tips?

Pretty good.

Great. Well, just leave 'em
up there on the dresser.

Mrs. Conner, there's
kind of been something

that's bothering me.

Your doctor called
the diner today

because he needed
to reschedule

your next appointment.

Yeah?

Well, I hate myself
for even thinking this,

but why would he
call you at the diner

if he ordered you
to stay in bed?

All right, I'll split
the tips with you.

Oh!

You're faking
this whole thing?

Mrs. Conner.

I know it's not my place,
but what you're doing

is more than
just wrong, it's--

Oh, it's really wrong.

No, it isn't.

I'm pregnant,
I don't feel good,
and I'm tired.

And this is the only way
I could get a break.

I understand.

I just don't know
if I can go along with it.

What's your favorite dinner?

I don't know,
roast beef,

mashed potatoes,
I guess, but--

Becky!

I want you to make me
roast beef

and mashed potatoes
for dinner tonight!

[Becky]
No fair.

It's David's turn to cook.

Well, David doesn't
have to cook anymore.

He's, uh, above you now.

Fine.

Oh, God,
now I'm a part of this.

Yeah, it's great.
Isn't it, David?

And this is just
the beginning.

Go get me that
family portrait
over there.

Why?

Because.

I want you to close your eyes
and point out a family member.

And whoever you point out,
I'm gonna make them bathe me.

[Roseanne]
Dan, I'm bored!

How much longer
do I have to stay in bed?

Well, you told me
the doc said a week.

How many days
has it been?

Just the one.

Hi.
Hey.

Is dandruff shampoo
bad for dishes?

Are they already in there?

Uh-huh.
No, it's fine.

How's she doing?

She's starting to get
a little bored.

She's been counting
the cracks in the ceiling.

Of course,
there weren't any

till she got a hold
of my nail g*n.

I gotta talk to her
about a problem.

No, no, no.

The doctor said no stress,
and no stress it is.

Oh. Okay.

Well, then...

I guess I'll just
handle it myself.

I'm an adult.
That's good, Jackie.

It's really important, Dan.

I need to talk to somebody.

This isn't
a sex problem, is it?

No, No.

No, I need someone
who hates Mom.

I'm listening.
Okay.

So, Mom volunteered
to babysit, for free,

every Tuesday night
and Fred is pushing me

to let her do it.

Yeah? So?

So?

So I'm not going
to trust her with Andy.

She shouldn't be left alone
in a room with any baby.

Why not?

Roseanne always liked
having her babysit.

Bev was great with our kids.

Man, she could take a punch.

No, Dan, you don't
understand.

Roseanne would never approve
of Mom babysitting.

Roseanne hates our mother.

Of course she does!

Roseanne hates
vegetables too,

but she doesn't keep
our family from corn.

You're on Mom's side.

No, I'm on you
and Fred's side.

You leave the kid with Bev,
you two get a night out,

and all the dishes
in the cabinet get rewashed.

Good God, Dan,
you're talking about Mom!

I know!

What do you think's
gonna happen?

She's gonna forget
to change him,

forget to feed him?

Give him to the paperboy
instead of a tip?

You really think your mother
would harm your child at all?

Well...

last time I went out...

when I came back...

you didn't see the hat
she put on his head.

Come on, Jackie,
you're being ridiculous.

You're not worried
about Andy.

You're doing this
to punish Bev.

So? You're just
doing this...

to be wrong.

Mom is a horrible woman.

You and Roseanne
may let her near your kids,

but I love my child.

Yeah, right.

If you'd read
the instructions

on a pack of condoms,
you wouldn't have a child.

Hey.

Hey, do you know the name
of Mrs. Conner's gynecologist?

Yeah. I mean, no.
I mean, why?

I wanna call 'em
to find out

what's going on.

Mrs. Conner
doesn't tell me much

and I'm afraid it's worse
than she's letting on.

Oh, here it is.
Uh, you know what?

I'll call
the gynecologist
for you.

I had to call him yesterday
for Mrs. Conner for something

and I kind of have
a relationship

with her gynecologist.

That's interesting, David.

Hello, doctor?

It's David.

Listen, we were just wondering
if Mrs. Conner's condition

is any worse than she says.

No, uh-huh.

Yeah, it's exactly
the same as she says.

Okay, then.
Thanks, doctor.

Wait a minute, David.

Ask the doctor what
the condition's called.

Uh, Mr. Conner wants to know
what this disease is called.

Oh.

Mono-cly-nosis--

David, hang up the phone.

Goodbye, doctor.

That wasn't the doctor,
was it, David?

No, sir.

And Mrs. Conner
is faking it, isn't she?

Yes, sir.

I can't believe
she did this!

I had to sleep
on the couch.

I had to move
the TV in there.

I had to sleep
on the couch without TV!

Come on, she's not
totally wrong.

I mean, you did tell her
to take it a little easy

and a lot of people
might think that

that meant to spend
a week in bed.

Well, then...

in a way, I guess this
worked out for the best.

You're not mad?

Mad? No.

But this is our
little secret, okay?

[Roseanne]
Dan, I can't
stand this anymore!

I'm gonna go
for a little walk!

Get my shoes, will you?

No, no, no, no.

The doctor said
you deserve your rest...

and you're gonna get
what you deserve.

You're not gonna k*ll me,
are you, Mr. Conner?

k*ll you?

No.

This isn't
squirrel season, David.

I'm huntin' bear.

[knocking at door]

Ooh.

Oh, my, it's Jackie.

What can I do for you.

If you've come
to insult me,

why don't you just
save it for my eulogy.

You probably won't
have to wait long.

Why, what have you heard?

Why are you always so cruel?

Mother, I didn't
come over here to fight.

I came over to tell you
that it is okay

for you to babysit Andy.

Really?

Yes.

Thank you, Jackie.

You're welcome.
I'll see you on Tuesday.

I'm glad you
changed your mind.

I really didn't understand
why you got so upset with me.

I mean, I take
very good care of Andy.

Yeah, I know, Mom.

And Andy really loves
his ol' Gran-Gran.

Yeah, he does.

I'm crazy about that boy.
I'm always very good to him.

Yeah, I know.

I just...wish you could've
been good to me.

Why, Jackie, I was...

good to you.

No.

No, you weren't, Mom.

Not the way you are
with Andy.

I see the way
that you look at him

and you sing to him
and you cuddle with him,

and you never were
that way with me.

Oh...

Oh, Jackie,
it was all so long ago.

I told myself that you just
didn't have it in you,

but if you can
give it to Andy,

I don't know why you couldn't
ever give it to me.

What was so bad about me?

Oh, Jackie, it wasn't you.

Sure, it was me.

I mean, why was I
so unlovable?

It wasn't you.

Oh, Jackie,
it was me.

What?

Being a mother was just
a very hard job for me.

It was all the time,
day and night.

And I had your father
to contend with,

not to mention Roseanne.

Okay, so, you know,
I didn't get much love

because I had a cheating father
and a difficult sister.

No.

It's because I was young
and just not very good at it.

I'm sorry, Jackie.
Now, Mom--

I'm just so sorry.
Mom, don't.

You deserve better.

Mom, I wasn't perfect.

I--You know,
the dog Skippy?

I put him to sleep
after he shredded
your wedding dress?

That wasn't Skippy.

I forgive you.
Okay.

You know, Jackie,
the truth is

I'm sort of jealous
of you.

What?
Yes.

You waited until
you were older
to have Andy.

You're more settled,
more patient.

You're a good mother.

Wait.

You're telling me
that I'm a good mother?

You're complimenting me?
I can't--

This is like
a dream come true.

I mean, this is, like,
one of those golden moments

that comes around
only once in a lifetime.

And I also think
that you and Fred--

Mom, don't, please,
say another word.

Why?

Mom, you're gonna say
something Mom-like

and you're just
gonna ruin it.

You're gonna--
you're gonna ruin my moment.

No, I'm not.

Oh, I think you will.

I'm just gonna say.

I'm not listening to you.
Le le le le le...

Well, I'll see you Tuesday.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

I'll bring my vacuum
since yours seems to be broken.

No.

No, it's still good.

Hi, Dan.
How's it going?

Pretty good.
Quick question.

You weren't just trying to head
out the front door, were you?

Who me?
No, I just came to.

'Cause D.J. said he saw you
heading out the front door

and when he called for me,
you did a U-y

and torqued back
in the bedroom.

[whistling]

Feet cold?

No, not since
I put my shoes on.

Roseanne, the doctor said you
were supposed to stay in bed

for a week, and that's
what you're gonna do.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a few exits to block up.

And I've nailed
the windows shut.

sh**t!

[whispering]
Roseanne,
you're not too sick

for me to talk to you,
are you?

No. Get in here.

I've been dying for the sound
of another human voice.

Read me the ingredients
on this Cheez Whiz.

You're not gonna
believe this.

Mom said
she's a bad mother.

What do you mean?

Like in the way that Shaft
was a bad mother?

No, I'm serious.

She said those exact words!

Oh, my God.

Okay, you've gotta
sit down and tell me

every single detail
of this.

Okay, I go over--
Okay, now wait!

All right,
now I'm ready.
Um--

Hey, hey, hey,
what's going on in here?

I'm just telling Roseanne
this really great stuff
about Mom.

No way.

You bring up the name of--
there's gonna be stress.

Shut up, Dan.

See, already it starts.
Let's go, Jackie.

Dan, no. She's been waiting
years to hear this.

Then she can wait
another week.

Let's go.
Doctor's orders.

No. Okay. All right.

Uh...okay.

The doctor really never said
I had to stay in bed.

Out, Jackie.

Hey, you don't have to go
just 'cause he tells you to.

Yeah!

You have a point.

Dan, put me down!

Put her down!

Oh, Roseanne, my God,
it was glorious!

[Dan]
Say goodbye, Jackie!

No, no, no,
wait, wait, wait!

Roseanne, she cried.