07x22 - Happy Trailers

[bunniefuu]

** [harmonica]

Hi.

Hey!

What'd the doctor say?
How's the baby?

Well, she's doing great,
and, uh--pretty weird

She's bigger
than normal.

Go figure.
Ha!

And they say it's bad
to live under power lines.

[snaps fingers]

Yeah, first I felt weird
for gaining pounds.

But now I figure...
most of that weight's
the fetus.

Hello?

Hello, Connor baby!

Oh, man!

[giggles]
That's four inches
of fightin' fury.

Boy, this one
really can kick.

Yeah, yesterday, I got
slapped in the head
with my own boob.

And we're gonna spoil you
rotten, little girl.

Oh, yes, we are!

$ , in the bank!

We can afford to buy you
food and water...

and maybe a shiny new
table saw.

That's great, Dan,
except...

that...

we owe the doctor
$ , .

What?

We have to pre-pay
the cost of having
the baby.

We didn't have to do that
with the first batch.

[sighs] Well, back then
we were broke

and the county
took care of it.

That's why those
kids were free.

And apparently,
you do get what
you pay for.

Hey, we brought in
all the groceries,

but where does
everything go?

Well, the frozen stuff
goes in...the freezer!

And the canned stuff
goes on the shelf.

And that about covers it.

Boy, it's gonna be tight.

I wish...we would have
invested better.

Why, oh, why did we stop
buying lottery tickets?

Mom, Dad, we have got
some amazing news.

Mark and I were just
looking for apartments,

and we found, like,
the cutest place to live.

It was available
right away, so...
we just took it.

That's great.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Of course we'll miss
having you around and all.

Gee, Dan, I've never
seen you this
deliriously unhappy.

Where's
the apartment at?

Well, that's the best part.
It's not an apartment.

It's a chance for us to buy
something that's really ours.

You're buying
a house?

How can you
afford that?

Because it's
not a house.

It is a trailer!

It is, like, the cutest
little trailer
you have ever seen.

Isn't this incredible?

Yeah. Well...

that's, like,
the best news
I've heard...

since you
married Mark.

** [theme]

[laughs]

Aunt Jackie?
Hmm?

Didn't you wanna
keep this?

No. No. Family things
need to be passed down.

Now...

that's the chair
I was telling you about.

That's one of my favorites,
but I want you to have that.

Well, why haven't I,
like, seen it before?

Um...

Oh, it...works in
so many different rooms

that lately we've just
been keeping it in the garage.

[laughs]

Don't sit on that!

No...

No, that's more
just for looks.

Well, that's certainly
generous of you, Jackie.

Maybe tomorrow you can
bring by your beanless
bean-bag chair.

I'll just run that
inside for ya.

Hey, Beck, did you see
the bathroom door?

It slides into the wall!

Shhhh!
Just like Star Trek.

No way!

Aren't you gonna
come see it, Mom?

No, I hate the future.

Man, oh, man.
I'm beat.

[groans]

Hasn't this just been
a great day?

You sure are chipper?

Yeah, well,
you know, that's my way.

Your oldest daughter's
leaving home.

I just figured
you'd be sad.

Very, very, very, very...

very sad.

It's not like
she's leaving town.

It's like she's gone
camping for the rest
of her life.

My turn.

Ah.
[chuckles]

Remember our
first place?

Yeah, that was a dump.

When are we movin'
out of there?

My sister is moving
into a trailer park.

[laughs]
I can't tell you where I was
the day Kennedy was shot,

but I will always
remember this moment.

I don't think
it's so bad, Darlene.

I mean it's like they're
living in a house...

It's just got wheels.

It's like living
in your car...

only better,
'cause it's,
you know, bigger.

So it's kinda like
living in a bus.

Plus you got
the bathroom.

So it's kinda like
a...really...nice bus.

Yeah, well, pull the cord.
I'm getting off.

Hey, don't make fun
of your sister
living in a trailer.

If it's good enough
for carnival folk,

it's good enough
for the Connors.

Hey!

I certainly hope you're
gonna clean this mess up
when you're done.

You were afraid there would
be no stills nearby.

So, are you the new
owners of this dump?

Do we look like we're
made out of money?

We rent.

Where you from?

We're from Europe.

Unless you got
a problem with that.

We're the Connors.

Hey.

Connors?

Did you ever do time
at Joliet?

No, but I've got
a question for you.

Do you ever
brush your teeth?

Hey, that's personal
information, missy.

We mind our own
beeswax around here.

Well, in that case,
I'm not gonna ask
if that's your kid

sucking on the Windex
bottle over there.

Eddie?

For God's sake,
put that thing down!

And you, you stay away
fro my husband!

[laughs]
Girls let's be neighborly.

Unless, of course,
you wanna swap.

Hey, baby.

Big hunk o-man.

Listen, missy!

We don't know you
and we don't want
to know you,

and here's why!

We're better than you!
[scoffs]

And we almost never get
a chance to say that.

Fine with me, sister!

Here!

It's some coupons and a map
to get around the park.

I'm the welcome wagon.

Welcome, welcome.

Don't you ever feed my dog.

If I get drunk enough,
I'll fight your dog!

Man, is she a snob.

Come on, Darlene.

It won't k*ll us
to help clean the place.

Unless the wind picks up.

Oh. Uh, everybody's
back in the bedroom.

So you might wanna hang out
in the living room.

'Cause we don't want
the thing to tilt.

Found the perfect spot.

I don't know
about this, Roseanne.

I'm a little worried.

It'll be fine, Dan.

I told you it was
a speed bump you hit,
not a cat.

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe Darlene's right.

Becky doesn't belong
in a trailer park.

Well, we'll have them
fix it up, you know?

Maybe we can get them
a van to use
as a guest room.

Becky! Mark!

They'll be fine.

Yeah?

Um, your Dad and I
would like to offer

to help you fix this
place up a little.

I'll make curtains,
and your Dad can help
you with the plumbing.

And we'll get you
a little fence--

Security system.

Or at least one of
those little signs.

Aw, you guys,
that's really sweet.

But Mark and I don't
want any help.

It's really
important for us to
do this on our own.

But there's so much to do.

Yeah but eventually,
over the years,
it'll all get done.

Well, you gotta let us
give you something.

What about
a big-headed
banjo-playing boy

for the front porch?

I said no.

We want to do this
ourselves.

Think they're gonna
be all right?

It could be worse.

They could be parked
on a hill.

Hey, Bob?

I need you to put
this carburetor

back in the garbage
truck after lunch.

And be careful.

It took me
all morning to get
it adjusted right.

Jeez, Dan, I got
a big lunch here.

I was kinda hoping
to let it settle
for a while.

Fred, you mind
helping him out?

No problem.

Listen, you guys, I need
to talk to you about something.

Becky and Mark's trailer...

Well, it's kind of
a mess, right?

And I want to be able
to help them out,
but they won't let me.

They probably just
want to be alone.

You know
the old saying:

"When the trailer's
rockin'..."

Bob...

we're talking about
my daughter here.

I know.

I'm just saying that...

if it's rockin'...

you probably wanna...

level it.

What are you
getting at, Dan?

Well, I know I'm asking
a lot, but here it goes.

I wanna give Mark
all the overtime...for a while.

Don't worry about it, Dan.
I understand.

It's gotta be tough
for these kids starting
out in life.

If there's anything
we can do to make their
load a little lighter,

it's gonna be
our pleasure.

[sniffles and sighs]
Give me a minute.

Thanks, guys.

Hey, Mark?

When you get done with that,
can I see you for a second?

Oh! Wait a minute.

There's no work for Mark
to do around here right now.

What are you
talking about?

What about
the hydraulics
on the garbage truck?

I took care of it
this morning.

What about the school buses?
We need them by Friday.

It's all done, Dan.
Damn!

What the matter
with you guys?

We work for the city!

Don't blame me, Dan.
I didn't do squat.

Yeah, but my daughter's
livin' in a big...

mailbox!

There's gotta be
somethin' around here
that needs fixin'.

Oh.

You know,
I bet the bottom
of this here table

could use
a little paint.

Woopsie.

Forget about paintin'
this table, Dan.

What about
this carburetor?

I think I'll explain
this to Bob outside.

Hey. What's up, Dan?
Mark. Good news.

Got a little
overtime for you.

Look, I can't do
any all week.

I got a lot of stuff
to do at the new place.

Exactly! And that
time-and-a-half

couldn't come
at a better time,
could it?

I'm sorry, Dan.
Why don't you offer it
to one of the other guys?

The other guys
can't do it, Mark.
Why not?

Uh...garage quartet's got
a gig at the County Fair.

Look, Dan, it's not like
I don't want the money.

I really can't
do any this week. Okay?

Dan.
Weirdest thing.

I just noticed
the tail lights

are all busted
on that cop car
out there.

What's wrong
with your foot,
man?

M-My foot?

Yeah.

New shoes.

Brad. Apparently,
this week,

it's not the right week
to paint the table. Okay?

Oh?

You, uh...
you might

want to talk
to Bob.

Bob?

Where's Bob?

You're not gonna
believe this, Dan.
[chuckles]

Some clown must've
poured sugar

in the gas t*nk
of that school bus.

Bob...

you--you can't fix
somethin' like that.

Right.

Here we are.

[sighs]
Candles. Wow.

Are these
the regular kind

or the fancy kind
that keeps
the bugs away?

This is
a special night.
It's the first time

we're the hosts
and you're the guests.

Look, Dan.
It's the china

we gave 'em
for their wedding
present.

No, Mommy. I'm sure
the ones we give 'em

didn't have
these little compartments.

Fancy.

Okay.

Eat 'em quick.
In minutes,

the bats start
comin' around.

This is great.

Yeah, it is.

Good food...
great setting.

Makes me wish
our kitchen

didn't have
some stupid house
around it.

Now, before
we start...

Mark and I
just want to say
thank you.

You guys
were so great

to put us up
for so long.

Oh, Becky,
those three years
just flew by.

We were only
there for one.

Whatever.

Anyway, so far,
setting up house

has been a really
great experience.

Well, good.
In that case,

I should do
my motherly duty
and tell you

how you can cut down
on your food budget.

Okay, say you get
this recipe, you know,

and it calls
for lobster...

shrimp, and that
expensive cookin' sherry?

What you do is...

you just tear up
that recipe.

Thanks, Mom.

We've already
figured out a couple

of our own
budget tricks.
Like, these burgers?

Cost .
for a pound
of ground beef,

but only $ .
for a pound
of ground meat.

[with mouth full]
You guys got any water?

Oh, sh**t. I forgot
to fill up the pitcher.

I'll just run down
to the community spigot.

Your trailer doesn't
have running water?

Nah, the pipe was broken.

I'll have enough saved up
in a few weeks to buy
a new one. No big deal.

Whoa, Becky. Don't forget
the purification tablets.
Oh, yeah.

Uh...

Where'd you get
this salt shaker?

Oh, it was in the trailer
when we moved in. The people
before us left it.

Man, that's amazing.
This is not just--

a regular salt shaker.
This is--

a Niagara Falls
salt shaker.
So?

I mean, antique stores pay
an arm and a leg for this
kind of thing.

I should just take it now,

and go ahead and give ya
bucks.

Wow! Okay!

And uh, you know,
I was noticing your dad

was checkin' out that
antique hubcap over there.

Huh?

Oh! Yeah! Uh--

That hubcap. That
baby there, that's, uh--

that's from a , uh...

[both] Fladler.
Uh...

It's a classic.
Yeah. Let me see. Uh...

Give you, uh...

bucks for it.

Ah, well, you know,
that's the price.

You gotta give 'em
what it's worth today.

$ ?

$ ?
Hey, Becky.
[clears throat]

Why don't you run
and get that water?
Okay!

Uh, are you sure
it's gonna be okay?

I mean, by herself?
With the dogs and everything?

Yeah, sure. As long as you
bring that big stick, with
the long nail in it.

[dogs barking]
Hey, look. We told you guys.

We don't want you to give us
any money, remember?
Yeah.

All right. Well, then
can't you at least

be a little less
obvious about it?

Excuse me?
Come on, Dan.

Helpin' us out with that
overtime thing at the garage,
that was good.

But this antique hubcap
thing, that's ridiculous.

Yeah, well--
And besides, we don't
need any.

Mrs. Conner just made us
$ on that salt shaker.

Oh, you figured out what
we were doin' down at
the garage, huh?

Come on, Dan. What do you
think I am, stupid?

Remember, Dan.
We're guests here.

Look.

Don't tell Becky that
I told you guys this, but--

she feels like, for
the past couple years,

well, you guys, you've
given us a lot.

Well, hey. We're
family, you know.

It's not like we're keeping
some running tab

of how much you owe us,
in our top dresser drawer.

And you know, with your
baby comin' and everything,

she feels like she doesn't
want to be a drain on you
any more.

Well, why don't you
just tell us that?

Well, uh--

See, uh--
[stammers]

Becky told me that--

well, you guys, you--
you know, you love her
so much

that you'd insist on
helping, even if--

like, you couldn't
afford to.

Becky said that?

Yeah.

Got the water!

Oh, Becky,
that's so sweet.

Can't believe how much stuff
we're hauling outta here.

Remember that hamster
you lost when you were ?

I think I found him.

Ooh. I always blamed
that smell on Becky.

Well, he won't be runnin'
that wheel any time soon.

Isn't it weird to see
this place all cleaned out?

Like, the only thing left
of you girls is that, uh,

Wrigley Field sign
up there.

You get that down for me?

Ha. Seems like the sign's
been up there forever.

Hm. Yeah, well,
that gum really holds.

Man, everything in this
house sure is changing.

Kinda sad.

Well, not everything's
changing. I mean,

we still got your dad,
and the furniture, and--

D.J.'s haircut.

Are you okay
with this?

I mean, another one
of your kids movin' out?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm okay. Yeah.

I mean, I always knew
you guys were gonna
move out. I just--

was hoping you wouldn't
tell me where you were going.

Can I ask you
somethin', Darlene?

What?

[sighs]

Do you ever feel
like your Dad and me

didn't give you
enough?

What are you
talking about?

You didn't give us
anything.

No, I'm serious.

You ever resent, like,
not havin' a lot of stuff
when you were younger?

No. I used to
steal a lot.

Oh, come on, Mom.

You guys were
great parents.

Yeah, well, we did have
that one book and all.

I know you did the best
you could. I mean--
kids are expensive.

Your food budget alone
must have gone up by a tenth
after you had us.

Har...
[laughs]

[both laugh]

I'm just worried maybe
we didn't give you
a good enough head start.

You know?

I always wanted to--

have our kids do better
than we did.

And that should have been
a realistic goal.

Becky just--

is takin' such
a hard road.

Eh, she's gonna be fine.

I mean, she's strong,
like you are.

And that'll get her through
whatever she has to go through.

You think?

Yeah! Definitely.

So what if Becky's
livin' in a trailer?

It's not like she's used
to livin' in luxury.

You did that much
for her!

[laughing]

Yeah, it was a crazy plan
when we came up with it,

but it really worked.
[laughs]

You know, Darlene,
me and your Dad

don't say this to you
very often,

'cause, well,
it never comes up.

But-- we're really
proud of you.

Even though I'm secretly
a high-priced call girl?

Because you're
a high-priced one.
[laughs]

What the hell.
Put that back up.

** [harmonica]

Watch it, buddy!

[stammering]
I'm-- I'm sorry,

Mr. Fishman.

[imitates g*nsh*t]
Fired!

You sent for me,
Mr. Fishman?

Hey, baby. Come sit down
next to Uncle Mike.

You know, I had a really
good time

working on the show
this week.

You're sweet, kid.

You know later this season,
the Conners are gonna get
a French maid.

Really?

Yeah. Of course, I have to
see you in the uniform first.

[Roseanne, yelling]
Hey, Fishman! I'm not
tellin' you again!

Keep your paws off
the guest stars!

There's a whole lot
of man

walkin' out that door
right now.

Stay away.
He'll break your heart.

Trust me.

I been there.