05x20 - Banned in Bikini Bottom/Stanley S. SquarePants

[bunniefuu]

Ah!

Mwa!

I know I've said this
times already, but

♪ I love Krabby Patties,
I think that they are swell ♪

♪ They are the best,
there's no contest ♪

♪ And now I'm going to yell ♪

Whoo!

(gurgling)

♪ I love Krabby Patties ♪

♪ I think they're swell ♪

♪ They're so neat,
and quite a treat ♪

♪ And, oh,
I love the way they smell ♪

♪ La, la, la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

I knew I shouldn't have
gotten out of bed today.

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. ♪

(blows whistle)

Hello.

And welcome, one and all,

your money to
ye olde Krusty Krabby.

Come along, sisters.

Pay no mind to this
crimson abomination.

(screams)

Greetings.

Although your establishment
seems repugnant

and foul in nature,

it seems not
to offend our sensitivities.

It is for that reason,

plus the fact
that we have been stuck

on a tour bus for several days,

that my sisters and I would
like to eat something here.

Okay. But, first, let
me call the mortician

and tell him his
uniform's been stolen.

(laughing)

Clothing zinger.

Squidward,
these wretched hags...

uh... lovely ladies...

are obviously here to eat,
so let's sell them...

l mean, serve them
some delicious Krabby Patties.

Well, Mister...

Krabs, m'lady.

Mr. Krabs, you seem
to know the basic rules

of behaving like
a civilized bottom-feeder.

Perhaps your restaurant
isn't quite the hive

of degenerates it appears to be,

and we had you
figured all wrong.

Of course you did.

As you're about to find out.
SpongeBob!

Ah...

Ah...

Ah...

♪ I like Krabby Patties,
I think they're swell ♪

♪ I like Krabby Patties,
can you not tell? ♪

♪ Krabby Patties, Krabby
Patties, they're so neat ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la,
sweet to eat ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Really neat, sweet to eat,
treat that's neat ♪

♪ Sweet treat, treat sweet,
treat sweet, good to eat ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo,
doo-doo... ♪

(clicking tongue rhythmically)

(trilling tongue rhythmically)

♪ La-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

(sputtering)

(whistling loudly)

Look at this wild hooligan,

running amuck, singing, dancing.

It's... it's shameless

and disgusting.

Avert your eyes.

Young man, what has caused you
to act like this?

I must know.

Actually, ma'am,

it was the absolute fun

and deliciousness

of a Krabby Patty.

Krabby
Patty? Yeah. That's right.

Well, anything this fun

and delicious can't be good.

Why, what would this world be

if everyone cavorted
in such a manner?

Who are you,
with your tight lips,

raised eyebrows
and conservative clothes?

I am Miss Gristlepuss.

We are the United Organization

of Fish Against Things
That Are Fun and Delicious.

Or - -FATAFAD

for short, and we
are going to ban these
so-called Krabby Patties,

and close your
restaurant forever.

What the...?
Miss Gristlepuss,

maybe, if you were to taste
a Krabby Patty for yourself,

you, too, could experience
the awesome pleasure.

I would sooner sprout legs
and do the Watusi.

Ooh! Okay.

Aw, it don't matter
anyway, lad.

She can't
close us down.

She closed us down! I'm ruined!

(crying)

How did it come to this?

You called Miss Gristlepuss
a disgusting old prune,

then you threatened her
with a French fry strainer.

Well, I didn't know
her husband was the
chief of police.

Thanks again, Al.

Anytime, honey.

See you at home for dinner.

Mmm! I'm starving.

Yee-haw!

I just love that man.

How long has he
been standing over there?

Um... four days.

It's no use.

I'm ruined!

(screaming and crying)

You know, it's too bad.

The only way to make
Krabby Patties again

would be if you opened a place

that didn't look
like a restaurant,

and did it secretly.

That's it!

A secret Krusty Krab!

And I know just
where to open it.

There you are, Betsy.
Good as new.

(kissing)

Mr. Krabs, I...?
(gasps)

Whoa, sorry.
I was just
wondering...

You know, lad,
I can remember a time

when people used to knock

before entering
someone else's home.

Yeah, but this is my home.

Oh,
yeah. Hey, guys!

Hey, Patrick. Thanks
for helping out today.

You bet. Where do you
want these extra buns?

Patrick, that bag
is totally empty.

(belches)

Oops!

Happy day, Karen!

That fool Krabs changed
the name of his restaurant

to The Closed Krab.

Everyone will think it's closed

and come eat here instead.

He'll be ruined by tomorrow.

What an idiot.

It is closed.

What?
Miss Gristlepuss
and her husband

banned Krabby Patties
for being fun and delicious.

Banned? Then that means
my day of reckoning

has come at last!

I've won, I tell you!

I've won! And what better way
than by default?

Where are you going?

Oh, out to celebrate.

Don't wait up for me!

Quit shoving.

I wasn't shoving.

I was just going like that,

and you happened
to be standing there.

That's called shoving.

No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.

Nope.
Yes.
Nope.

Excuse me, gents,

but what's with
all the hullabaloo?

We're just waiting in line
to buy a Krabby Patty.

Krabby Patty?

Thank you.

Come again.

Can I help whoever's
next, please?

(panting)

What's the
password, please?

What are you talking about,
you gargantuan buffoon?

That's it!

Come right in.

Curse you!
(crashing)

(lively music playing)

(meowing)

So would you like
to "secret size" that
for two dollars more?

Of course.

Hey, Squidwart,
you haven't seen

any sign of the...
you know,

the cops, have you?

Did you just call
me Squidwart?

Okay, thanks. I'm gonna go
see how SpongeBob's doing.

Hey, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob?

Oh...
SpongeBob?

What are you doing
under the table?

If Krabby Patties
are illegal now,

aren't we breaking the law?

There's an old saying, lad.

"What doesn't k*ll you usually
succeeds in the second attempt."

But what does that
have to do with
making Krabby Patties?

Nothing. But if you
don't get out there
and start cooking,

I'll make you start
taking weekends off.

No!

So, Mr. Krabs is operating
under the table, huh?

Well, two can play
at that game!

(panting)

Being a ruthless mastermind
sure takes a lot out of you.

(dialing and ringing)

Hello. This is Officer Al,
chief of police.

Cops, I need you.

(sirens wailing)

Them!

(sirens wailing)

(screaming)

(banging on door)

What's the pass...?

Nope. That's not it.

(customers screaming)

(laughing)

(screaming)

(squeaks)

You missed one.

Oh, Miss Gristlepuss, I'm sorry
we sold Krabby Patties.

But do you really have
to send us to jail?

Of course I do.

You are a nuisance
to my community.

You tell 'em, honey!

That's my girl!

(gasps)
Al, what are you doing?

Having some lunch.

Unhand that sandwich at once!

Miss Gristlepuss!

Look out!
What?

Your shoe's untied!

It is?

Oh!

(distorted):
Oh...!

(chewing, gulp)

Ah...

♪ I love Krabby Patties,
I think they're swell ♪

♪ Can you not tell? ♪

♪ Krabby Patties, Krabby
Patties, they're so neat ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la-
la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-
la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Really neat ♪
(laughs)

♪ Sweet to eat ♪

♪ Treat that's neat ♪

(rhythmic chattering)

(blowing raspberry)
Ah!

Hey!
Hey!

♪ Dismount! ♪

That was wonderful!

I... I... feel...

reborn!

Does this mean you're not
sending us to the slammer?

Of course, my dear boy.

I am a kinder, gentler fish,

and I owe it all to you.

Don't forget the spatula.

(all laughing)

Don't push it, Al.

Darn it!

Aah! Once again, so close
and yet so far.

When am I going to...?

Oh...

Well, I think
I'll have another one.

Oh, dear.

(Plankton screaming)

(gulp)

Hey!

Somebody left me a package.

(straining)

(grunting and groaning):
Hea... vy...

(sighs)

I wonder what's inside.

Hello.

(screams)

Phew!

Cramped in there.

Cousin Stanley!

Cousin SpongeBob!

(ululating)

So what brings you
to Bikini Bottom, Stanley?

Uncle Sherm
said I should
come visit you.

I have a note from him
somewhere. Oh, right.

It's in here.

(rattling)

Here it is.

"Dear SpongeBob,

"I'm sending your cousin Stanley

"to live with you.

"He can't hold down a job and
he ruins everything he touches.

"I can't take it anymore.

"Maybe you can
straighten him out.

Love, Uncle Sherm."

Well, you're always
welcome here, Stanley.

My pineapple is your pineapple.

Wow, you've got
your own refrigerator.

I'm not allowed near the
fridge at Uncle Sherm's.

Whoa!

Oh, well, now I won't have
to clean it out.

STANLEY:
Wha-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Stanley?
(toilet flushing)

You okay in there, Stanley?

Your toilet is so cool.

Is that what I think it is?

(water running)

Well, it was bath night.

ANNOUNCER:
Only $ . .

Gee, pretty.

Uncle Sherm won't let me

watch TV back at home.

Why not?
(exploding)

That's why.

What's that?

(sighs)
That's okay.

There's nothing good
on TV anyway.

Nothing.

You work at The Krusty Krab?

I don't just work there...

I'm vice assistant
general manager

in charge of certain things.

That's me turning
the front door key.

That's me serving
customers.

And that's me performing
sanitary maintenance.

Ooh, who's that?

Oh, that... that's me
making Krabby Patties.

The best job in the world.

It's my calling.

I wish I had a calling.

Aw, Stanley, you
just haven't found

your purpose in
life, that's all.

You really think so?

I know so.

I'll bet my friend Squidward
can help you.

Hi, Squidward.

I'd like you to meet
my cousin Stanley.

We're related.

SQUIDWARD:
There's two of them?!

(screaming)

Step on it!

Your friend Squidward
seems busy.

Ah, that's okay.

I'm sure Sandy
can think of something.

Hey, SpongeBob,

who's your friend?

This is my cousin,
Stanley SquarePants.

I thought you could show him
how to be a scientist.

Why, sure.

Glad to meet ya, partner.
Nice to meet you...

(sputtering)

Uh-oh.

Gol'darn it!

Uh... maybe you're just
not scientist material.

But don't you worry...

I'll bet Patrick can help you.

He's a genius.

And so, Mr. Star,
that's why we came to you.

Looking for your calling, huh?

Hmm...

Mm-hmm...

Mm-hmm.

So, what are you good at?

Nothing.

Nothing at all?

Yep.

Interesting.

Let's see how
good you are
at nothing.

That's perfect.

Patrick can do nothing
better than anyone.

You'll be learning
from the master.

Come with me.

First, sit down in this chair.

Clear your mind.

Empty it of all thoughts...

until you're doing

abso... lute... ly nothing.

Gah!

See? Isn't he amazing?

(with monotone):
Clear my mind...

Do nothing...

(rapid ticking)

(sighs)

(sputtering)

I can't do it!

(panting)

You're not worthy of instruction
in the immobile arts.

Leave my presence.

Couldn't I try...?

(mumbles) Not a word!

Dah!

STANLEY:
I can't even
do nothing right.

Don't give up, Stan-o.

We just need to
keep looking.

(sobbing)

(beeping)

(gasps)

(ticking)

Oh, gentle hat,
symbol of employment,

cornerstone
of my eternal happiness,

I don thee now in preparation
for this workday.

Ooh!

You have no idea
how good this feels.

(sobbing)

No.

Hey, what's wrong, Stanley?

You're not still upset
over that whole

never-accomplished-anything-
in-life thing, are you?

(sobbing):
No.

Good. Then why don't you
come with me to work?

Maybe seeing me totally
fulfilled will cheer you up.

There's me
little moneymaker.

(kissing)
(laughing): Aw...

Are you gonna make me
lots of money today?

Yes, sir.

Ooh, what I'd give if only
there were two of...

What?!

One, two...
there's two?!

He looks like ya.

(sniffing)

He smells like ya.

He tastes like ya!

Is he a hard worker,
just like you?

Um...

Um, uh...

Well, is he?

Please, please, please, please,
please, please,

please, please, please.

(loud gulp)

Yes, sir.

(cash register bell dings)
(gasps)

You got the job.

Your job is to take
people's money

and put it in here.

Whoa, can I touch it?

Money...?

(sniffing)

Burning?!

(yelling)

(sobbing)

SpongeBob, who's
responsible for this?

I... guess I am, Mr. Krabs.

You're on probation, boy.

Well, Stanley, thanks to you,

I'm on probation.

If you want to keep this job,
you're gonna have to...

(entrance bell chimes)
Ooh!

Customer off the port bow!

Man your stations!
Man your stations!

Ready for duty.

Ah, my first customer.

Hi. I'm Stanley.

Oh, this is so exciting.

Uh, I'd like a...

Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, hold on.

I don't ever want
to forget this moment.

That's gonna be a keeper.

Now let's do one
with funny hats.

Ooh, yeah, let's pretend
we're mad at each other.

(laughing)

l can't wait
to get these developed.

(customers clamoring)

(angry shouting)

SPONGEBOB:
I said I'm ready, Stanley.

(screaming)

(loud belch)

SpongeBob, what's the meaning
of this?

Your station looks horrible.

Take some pride
in your work, boy.

Look at your cousin Stanley,
for example.

Spiffing up his work space

with meaningful photos
of the customers.

(knocking)

Um, sir?

Yes, boy?

About my cousin Stanley...

Yes, yes, the one I hired
entirely on your recommendation.

Hurry it up, boy.

Uh, well... actually, sir,

about those things I said...

What? You didn't lie to me

just to help your cousin

get the job, did you?
No.

Well, good, because there were
plenty of other relatives

that got passed over
for the job.

Aye, 'tis true.

Whatever.

I even turned down me own
three adorable nephews.

But...
Uncle...
Krabs...

They solve mysteries.
(cackling)

Now go solve the mystery
of why you didn't get the job.

(all grumbling)

Stanley,

I cannot keep covering for...
Yeow!

No!

Not my spatula!

My... spatula...

the thing I hold nearest
and dearest to my heart.

SpongeBob,
what in the name of Neptune

is going...?

Oh, you broke your spatula.

That's a shame.

I'll order another one
tomorrow, boy.

No! No! No!

I didn't break my spatula!

He did!

And I also didn't
burn your money...

he did that, too!

I have been covering for him

because he can't do
anything right!

(gasping and wheezing)

He's right.

(sobbing)

I ruin everything I touch!

Wait a minute.

I know the perfect
job for you.

Good luck at your new job
today, Cousin Stanley.

Thanks. I'll bet I'm even
better at this one.

Good morning,
Mr. SquarePants.

Morning, boss.

I can't believe it.

That fool Krabs letting
the blood relative

of his best worker...

(loud rattling)

Well, that's the end of me.

Sorry, boss.