06x07 - Giant Squidward/No Nose Knows

[bunniefuu]

Are you ready, kids?

[kids] Aye, aye, Captain!

I can't hear you.

[kids] Aye, aye, Captain!

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple

Under the sea? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow

And porous is he ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ If nautical nonsense be

Something you wish ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Then drop on the deck

And flop like a fish ♪

-♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

-Ready?

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

[laughs heartily]

[plays airy tune]

[snores, moans]

[alarm beeping]

[sings to himself]

[squeaking]

Squidward, my man,

you are perfect!

[hums]

Oh, no!

My kelp garden is all wilted.

Don't worry, fellas.

I've got just the thing

to perk you up!

Kelp Grow. Hold still. [sprays]

[sniffs]

They're pretty!

[yells]

-Patrick!

-And SpongeBob!

What are you two doing here?

Patrick's helping me

to do good deeds today.

Like trimming your kelp garden.

[munches, slurps, gulps]

[burps]

Stop eating my kelp!

OK, OK, jeez.

Try to help a fella out.

I'll just have to eat

this ice cream cone instead.

Oh, do you like

to eat ice cream, Patrick?

Hmm. Yeah.

Then have some more.

Whoa! [grunts]

[laughs]

Still want that ice cream?

Boy, I do! Thanks, Squidward!

Want some, SpongeBob?

Last one to the cone

is a rotten clam.

[both slurp]

Are you done yet?

[both slurp]

All done.

Wow! I wish I had a bottle

of that kelp grow stuff!

-Here you go, SpongeBob.

-Hey!

Thank you, Patrick! You know,

my shoes feel kinda tight.

[sprays]

[sighs] Nice and roomy.

Do you want

your Grow Juice back?

Oh, no. I only paid for it!

I wouldn't want

to deprive you of it.

-OK.

-Give me that.

But you said

you didn't want it.

Fine! Why don't you two use it

for your good deeds?

That's a great idea, Squidward.

Yeah. I'll go first. [sprays]

[screams] What did you do?

[SpongeBob and Patrick] Ooh!

Quite an improvement,

don't you think?

Oh, yes. I agree completely.

Come on, Patrick.

Let's do some good deeding!

Yay!

Hey! Get back here... [grunts]

And fix my nose!

Hey, Gary. That shell of yours

looks a little cramped.

Meow.

[creaking]

There!

Now you've got plenty of space.

Meow.

Ah-ha! They went this way.

[meows]

Tell me about it. [huffs]

Meow. [pants]

- There he is.

- Get ready!

[whistles]

Now, Patrick!

[blowing, banging]

[soaring, spraying]

[screams]

There you go, Mr. Krabs.

You always wanted

to make big money.

[jeering]

Good deed accomplished!

I ask for no reward.

You're a saint, SpongeBob.

A saint!

I know, it is a burden I must

carry, but time's a-wasting.

We need another good deed!

Oh! I've got one!

Um, you know that thing?

Um, right.

That thing we did that day.

No, the other one.

-Oh, um...

-Uh, uh, uh...

[both mumble]

SpongeBob! [pants] Hey!

Look at what you did to me!

You better fix my nose

or you'll hear from my lawyer!

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, you'll be ugly again.

-Yes, I'm sure.

-Hmm.

How to fix his nose?

If you turn the bottle upside

down, maybe it will shrink it.

Patrick! That's brilliant!

-No, wait! Don't!

-[sprays]

-[screams]

-Didn't work.

Try it again!

Hmm. I think

I'll just even him out.

First, a bigger head.

[yells]

-Now his body is too small.

-Right! Too small.

-Arms are too short.

-[sprays]

-Legs are too short.

-[sprays]

-Other arm.

-[sprays]

-Feet too small.

-[sprays]

-Teeth.

-[sprays]

-Belly button.

-[sprays]

[blows kiss] Perfect!

I look horrible!

[rumbling]

[both grimace and cough]

[both] He inked!

Well, pardon my anatomy!

What's happening?

[both] All right!

What did you do to me?!

I know, I know!

Uh, made you a monster!

And a giant!

[both] A giant monster!

I don't want to be

a giant lumbering monster!

-What'll I do now?

-That's easy!

Play giant lumbering

monster tag!

Yeah, yeah. You chase us.

And we run around

and scream like crazy.

Try and catch us,

Giant Monster Squidward!

[both laugh]

SpongeBob! Come back here!

[footsteps thundering]

[screams] This is really fun!

[screams] I know!

We should do this... [screams]

...more often!

[both scream]

[screams] Monster!

[cranking]

[both scream]

[skidding]

[all] Monster!

Monster!

[angry yelling]

Huh?

[both giggle]

[pants heavily]

You are very good at pretending,

Squidward!

Look how you're all sweaty

and angry!

And you got the whole town

to play along!

-[yelling]

-What the...?!

k*ll him!

Let's skin him

and make back bacon.

Scoop out his eyeballs

and use them as

giant misshapen soccer balls!

[all] Yeah! Good idea!

Wait!

Maybe he's a nice monster!

Like in my storybook.

[sizzling]

Oh, right.

I hadn't thought of that.

Well? Are you?

Oh, goodness gracious, yes!

Squidward is the nicest giant

of them all!

Yeah, Squidward!

Tell them about all those times

you didn't punch me

in the face!

Even though

you really wanted to.

D'oh! Quiet, you moron!

[gasping]

He hurt

the little one's feelings!

Why, that's not very nice

at all!

Take him down, boys!

[angry yelling]

[screams]

[angry yelling]

[grunts, groans]

This oughta fix him. [laughs]

OK, OK! I'm nice!

Now, will you leave me alone?

Oh, yeah? Then prove it!

Yeah! Are you nice enough

to... um...

Compliment me on my new hair-do?

Yeah, sure. Whatever!

[giggles] Thank you.

Let the Junior Guppies

camp out under your toenails?

[snoring]

Take me to the top

of Mount Humongous?

Whee!

Blow on my windmill?

[inhales, blows]

-Do my homework?

-Dust my attic?

Feed my snail?

[pants heavily]

Wow! This giant

really is friendly after all!

He taught my grandmother

how to read!

He helped me start

my own blimp ride company.

He helped me build a...

[sneezes]

[all] Bless you. Gesundheit.

-[all clearing throats]

-What?!

-[gasping]

-He didn't say, "Bless you!"

Get him!

-[angry yelling]

-[yells]

[angry yelling]

-Where'd he go?!

-Is that him over there?!

Uh, I'm a lamppost.

Oh. Let's go check

down by the creek!

We'll teach him

to dip his feet!

[angry yelling]

Well, Squidward,

I guess this is your new life.

And this is your new bed.

Good night, old life.

[whimpers] I'll miss you!

[SpongeBob] Good night,

Squidward.

Where are you?

Patrick and I are having a

sleepover in your belly button!

What the..?! Get out of there!

You two have ruined my life!

[sobs]

Oh, Patrick, this is terrible!

Squidward did not like

the kindness we did him!

-So?

-We shall do him another!

[drilling, whirring]

[SpongeBob] We did it!

[grunting]

What the...?!

Since our last kindness

didn't go so well,

we brought you a new one.

A giant clarinet?

[plays a tune]

[gasps] And it sounds divine!

-[both giggle in delight]

-[plays a tune]

Now I'm too small to play

my giant clarinet.

[sobs]

[grunting]

It was the most beautiful thing

I've ever played!

[sighs] Well, at least

I still have my kelp garden.

-[both laugh nervously]

-What?!

[gasps] You cut it down?!

We used your kelp

to make a kelp-mache clarinet.

[growls]

[both scream]

[both giggle]

[both scream]

[sings to himself]

[sighs]

I thought I told that kid not

to put the organic sea cucumber

on top of the free-range

anemones!

[grumbles]

At least my flowers

survived the trip.

[sniffs]

[screams]

[sneezes violently]

SpongeBob, would you please

find your own flowers to sniff?

What about Patrick? Does he have

to find his own flowers too?

[sighs] What are you

talking about, nit-wit?!

He doesn't even have a nose.

Of course I have a nose,

Squidward.

Why, it's as plain

as the nose on my...

face?

[whimpers]

You're right, Squidward.

-[cries]

-My floors!

Think fast, Squiddy!

-Uh, I've got your nose!

-You do?

-Yeah. I got it... right here!

-Give it! Give it here!

If you want it,

you gotta go get it!

There!

Well, SpongeBob. What do you

think of my new nose?

-That's not a nose. That's a...

-[yells]

...hermit crab.

[sigh] I guess I'll always be

a noseless freak.

It's not so abnormal

to be noseless.

Just look around.

Lots of fish don't have noses.

Yeah, but all my friends

have noses.

You, Squidward, Sandy.

Even Mr. Krabs!

[sniffs]

There ye are!

[sniffs]

Well, Patrick,

if you're so concerned

about not having a nose,

why don't you just get a new one

stitched onto your face?

I can do that?!

Well, what do you think?

Sorry, doc.

I don't really think it's me.

That's A-OK. That's cool.

As lead surgeon here,

I take the hypothetical oath,

which means I will not stop,

I will not rest,

I will not cut

a single toenail

until the customer

is % satisfied.

So please, browse

our extensive wall of noses!

And I will patiently await

your final decision.

-OK! Let's see. Hmm.

-Excellent choice.

All right, Patrick,

let's unveil the new schnoz.

Wait! Stop! Careful, SpongeBob!

This fragile stitching

requires tender care.

Allow me to carefully remove

the bandages.

[shattering]

[ripping]

[whirring]

[slicing]

There it is, Patrick!

Your brand-new sniffer!

Looking good, buddy!

Well, I've gotta go to work now.

Have fun with your new nose!

I will!

Now, how do I use this thing?

[sniffs, gasps]

What is that smell?

[sniffs, gasps] Pastries?!

I never knew

they smelled so good!

-[sniffs]

-[squelching]

Well, I guess

I won't be eating those.

[sighs]

Let's see

Patrick destroy these.

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

[spraying]

All these years I knew

I was missing out on something

but I never thought smelling

could be this good.

[sniffs]

What was that horrible smell?

Onion rings! [sniffs, gasps]

[yells] Sick! Nobody told me

about bad smells!

What is it now?! [gasps]

[growling]

[pants]

I'm gonna have to re-think

this whole smelling thing.

[pants, sighs]

I made it.

At least here at home

I can't be att*cked

by wretched odors.

[sniffs]

[grunts] Bad smells

are all around me!

[gasps]

[yells] I cannot live

in these conditions!

[triumphant music]

[twinkling]

[pants frantically]

Hiya, Patrick! Whoa!

Hey-hey! Lookin' good!

Huh?! Help! The smells!

[sniffs] They're everywhere.

It's unbearable! [sobs]

What's wrong with the pinhead?

[sniffs, gasps]

It's another one!

No! I can't take it!

Where do you think

you're going?!

To do what should've been done

long ago!

[grunts]

[sniffs, gasps]

[gasps]

Sweet Neptune!

Imported cheese!

This is inexcusable. Yuck!

What are you doing

with my cheese?

-[grunts]

-It's rotten garbage now!

That's better.

That was my cheese.

It's supposed to smell

like that, kelp-for-brains!

You are sick, Squidward.

[sniffs, gasps]

That smell again!

One, two, three, four.

Come on, SquarePants, be a man!

[grunts]

-You?!

-[yells]

Patrick, help.

Oh, I'll help you, all right.

Help stop you

from polluting our world

with your sweaty holes!

There.

I can't work at the Krusty Krab

looking like this!

I'm outta uniform.

You can't go to work

smelling like that!

You should be thanking me.

Smells like... [sniffs]

something greasy.

[all mutter happily]

Nobody moves!

I am ridding this place

of its disgusting stench

with these scented candles!

[sniffs, coughs]

My mouth can't take

these conflicting flavors!

This air freshener

should finish the job!

[coughing]

What the barnacles

do you think you're doing?

You're chasin' away

all me customers!

[all yelling in fear]

Well, good! No-one should have

to eat in this stench.

What?!

I've got a good mind to...

Say no more.

You can thank me later.

Right now I've got many more

stink-holes to swab clean.

That new hunker o' his

has turned him

into a complete jerk!

[sings to herself] Hi, Pat.

[gasps]

[screams]

-Take a bath, flea bag!

-[coughs]

I've asked ye all here because

we face a similar problem.

The problem being a sea star

with a nose

that's gotten way out of hand.

-Got that right!

-Yeah!

What I wanna know is, are we

gonna do something about it?

-You bet we are!

-Yeah, sure are!

Let's give him what for!

Let's hog tie him and run him

outta town on a rail!

[Sandy, Squidward,

Mr. Krab cheer]

Come on, SpongeBob. Be a man!

Mr. Krabs!

Not now, boy. We're in

the middle of a public lashing.

-That no-good, nose-flauntin'...

-It's not Patrick's fault!

[Squidward, Sandy] Huh?!

The new nose has betrayed us.

My Grandma SquarePants

always says,

"Punish the nose, not the man!"

But we're gonna need something

foul. Something beyond foul.

A stench that will blow

the socks off

his fungus-infested socks!

[squelching]

OK.

This should be stinky enough.

I gathered every sweaty sock,

moldy pizza

and rotten fruit in Bikini

Bottom with a little raw sewage.

Atta boy!

Now, for the moment of truth.

Yes, sir!

[knocking]

Hello? [sniffs, gasps]

[sniffs, retches]

[coughs, chokes]

[yells]

[pants]

All I wanted was to be able

to smell like the rest of you.

[sobs]

"Here lies the nose

of Patrick Star. R.I.P."

Well, this is terrible.

All Patrick wanted

was to be like the rest of us

and we punished him for it.

Who cares? At least now that

pink moron'll leave us alone.

I heard that!