09x04 - Little Yellow Book; Bumper to Bumper

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

All:
Aye, aye, captain!

- I can't hear you.

All:
Aye, aye, captain!

- ♪ ohh...

♪ who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

All:
♪ spongebob squarepants

- ♪ absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

All:
♪ spongebob squarepants

- ♪ if nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

All:
♪ spongebob squarepants

- ♪ then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

All: ♪ spongebob squarepants
- ready?

All:
♪ spongebob squarepants

♪ spongebob squarepants

♪ spongebob squarepants

- ♪ spongebob...

♪ squarepants

[laughing]

♪

[waves crashing]

[cheery ukulele music]

♪

- Ah, yes,
just how I like it--

Nice and empty.

- Hey, I'm still here.

- Oh, yes, sirree.

Nice and empty.

[hawaiian string music]

♪

- Do you work here?

- [spits]

Welcome to the krusty--
[sputters]

[overlapping muttering]

Well, there goes my nap.

[hornpipe music]
multiple orders up! Spongebob!

Spongebob!

Where are you?

You need to get out here
and make those krabby patties!

- [jabbers happily]

- [growls]

[inhales deeply]

Spongebob!

Get it together,
spongebob.

The dining room is
full of ravenous customers.

- [cries like a monkey]

- I got it.

[whistles]

- Hmm.

What was that imbecile doing
in there?

An old book?

- [gasps]
nothing.

- What's going on here?

- Thank you.

- Excuse me.

I wanted pickles on mine.

- Hmm.

If sponge-brain is keeping
the book away from me,

Then I have no choice
but to read it.

[door opens,
footsteps approaching]

- I'll take that,
thank you.

- There he goes again,

Scribbling away
in that little book.

I must admit,
my curiosity is piqued.

I guess I'm piqued
to peek at that book.

[laughs]

Oh, fun.

- Huh?

- Hey, spongebob,
you need to make a delivery.

- Okeydokey.

- The address is on the bag.

- I got it.

- [whistles]

[gasps]
it's a diary!

Oh-ho-ho.

This is gonna be good.
Huh?

Drat, it's locked.

[grunting]

Hmm.
I need a hairpin.

[heavenly choir sings a chord]

And now
the diary of a moron.

"dear diary,
what an amazing..."

[spongebob narrating]
day I've had.

This morning I was greeted

By my nearest and dearest
neighbor, squidward.

He had some very important news
he was just bursting to share.

He had decided that today
would be the perfect day

To deliver
his profound opinions

On how to properly raise
and care for a household pet...

- [spits]

- Specifically,
what not to feed them.

The list was very thorough.

Needless to say,
this is all very enlightening.

It warms my heart

To know that squidward thinks
we're close enough

To use the harshest words
in his critique--

Horrible words that should
never be used around strangers,

Who may not know

How well-intentioned
those words are.

Knowing I have a tendency
to dawdle,

Gary cut
our conversation short.

[alarm bell rings]

And I was hurried
along to work

Where I arrived only
an hour and a half early

For what may be
my favorite day of the year--

Cleaning day!

Together,
mr. Krabs and I scrubbed

Every inch of the krusty krab.

And finally,
with a little elbow grease,

We were able to get into
even the tightest spots.

Ah, yes,
cleaning day.

- Great neptune!

I had no idea!

The depth of his delusion
is awe-inspiring!

- Well, I don't know.

Something
about this delivery address

Doesn't seem right.

[gasps]
wait a minute.

Squidward!

He must have been the victim
of a prank phone call.

Poor squidward.

He can be so gullible.

- Oh, boy!

A ketchup packet!

That'll go great
on this old diaper.

- Oh, squidward!

You are gonna laugh when
you hear what I've...Been.

Squidward?
Where are you?

Could have swore
I just saw him.

- Spongebob, uh,

One of the customers
dropped his watch in a toilet

And I need you
to fish it out.

- Duty calls.

- [laughs]

[coughs]

- You laughing at me?

- What? Oh, no.
No, no, no.

I was just reading what
spongebob wrote in his diary.

It's hilarious.

- Reading
somebody else's diary--

That's terrible!

Tell me more.

- It says here,

When spongebob sees plaid,

He has this uncontrollable urge
to cluck like a chicken.

[both laughing]

- Did somebody say "plaid"?

Why, I'm a plaid enthusiast.

I just got me new kilt today.

- Oh, spongebob.

Can you come here, please?

- I couldn't find
that watch anywhere.

All I found was this stuff.

- I fell in.

- And that guy.

- What do you think
of mr. Krabs' new plaid kilt?

- P-p-p-p-plaid?

- Hey!
[crash]

- [clucking]

[crows like a rooster]

- Well, you don't have
to be nasty about it!

- [clucking]

Avert your eyes, squarepants.

I have to take my break!

[inhales, exhales deeply]

[sighs]

- Listen to this.

Spongebob has named
his spatula "fifi."

[laughter]

- He named it fifi.

- He named his spatula fifi.

Fifi.

What kind of name is fifi?

- [laughing wildly]

Who ever heard
of naming a spatula fifi?

It's a girl's name!

Right, frank?

- I'm back from my break.
Any orders, squidward?

- Yeah, cook me up
a krabby patty.

With good old fifi.

- [shudders]

Oh, sure thing.

Fifi, how did patrick know
your name?

Have you been talking?

- Oh, oh, this is
the best one yet.

Get this.

"if I hear the bikini bottom
municipal anthem,

"I can't help but take off
all my clothes

And dance around
in my underwear!"

[laughter]

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Watch this.

[anthem music plays]

♪

[laughter, music stops]

- My diary!

Squidward!
How could you?

[laughter]

[crying]

[clucks, cries]

- Ha.

- That was
that little dude's diary?

[door slams]

[overlapping murmuring]
- that is not okay.

- That was uncool.
- That's low, squidward...

Even for you.

You'd better apologize.

- [scoffs]
he'll get over it.

- [crying]

- [scatting]

♪

- Extra, extra,
read all about it!

Jerk reads diary.

Local fry cook devastated.

- Oh, boy.

Let me see one of those papers.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Ha ha!

Taxi.

[tires screech]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it, pal.

You're that diary reader.

- Yes, I am.

[tires squeal]

[coughing]

- Diary thief!
- Jerk!

- Secret stealer!

- Billy, stay away from
that mean, old diary reader.

- Morons.

- Squidward tentacles,

By reading
another person's diary,

You have violated the terms
of your loan.

We are repossessing
your house.

- [coughs] what?
- Take it away, boys.

[thunder booms]

- Ow.

[club bangs]
- hey!

You can't sleep here, fella.

[horn honks]
wait a second.

You're that diary reader.

I had a diary once.

My brother read it!

I had a brother once!

Come on, fella!

We have a special place
for people like you!

- Diary reader!

- What?
You read it too.

- Oh, sure.

Blame everyone but yourself.

Oh, that is so you.

[grunts]

- Hi, squidward.

How's it going?
- Spongebob, oh, thank goodness.

You have to forgive me.
- What for?

- For reading your diary.
- Oh, that.

You know, squidward,
everyone was so amused by it,

I had it published.

It's a best seller.

And I owe it all to you.

Besides, you only read
my work diary.

You've never even seen
my secret personal diary.

Now, that would have been
really embarrassing.

- There he is--
the diary reader!

Let's get him!
All: Yeah!

- People! People!

Stop your as*ault!

Through my art, as an author,
I have forgiven squidward.

- Oh, yeah?

Did you know he's reading
your personal diary?

- [laughing]

- Squidward!
How could you?

[crying]

[murmuring angrily]

- I don't care.

This is so worth it.

[laughing]

[hornpipe music]

♪

[engine humming]

- Once around the roundabout.

[tires screech]

Left at the wall.

[tires screech]

Over the "bump of truth."

And, finally,
the flaming hoop!

[tires screech]

[tires screech]

Thank you, mrs. Puff.

I am now a card-carrying driver

And a productive member
of society.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

- Oh, nothing gives me more joy
than teaching.

I can't wait
to pass my next student.

- Hello, mrs. Puff!

I'm all set
for my driving test.

[shivering with fear]

Mrs. Puff, you okay?

- Just start driving.

[tires squealing]

- Turn this boat around
immediately!

- Right away, ma'am.

[tires screeching]

Don't worry, mrs. Puff.
I have this under control.

[grunts]
uh...

[tires screeching]

[monkeys screeching]
- next up...

Goin' bananas
in -d.

- Hey, dude.
Pass the -d glasses.

This is supposed to be,
like, in -d.

- [chuckles]
oh, yeah, right.

- Here I am.

I'm coming at you...

[tires squeal]
like your worst nightmare.

[laugh evilly]

[hawaiian ukulele music]

[laughter]

- I think it's safe to say

You have once again failed
your driving test!

[laughter]

- Uh, but, mrs. Puff, I--
- no buts, spongebob!

You've failed this test
over and over.

I'm beginning
to believe you're simply...

Unteachable.

[laughter]

Now get out of my sight!

- Ahh! Gyee! Gyah!

I'm sorry, mrs. Puff!

[sobbing]
- [growling]

Both: Dude!

- This is, like,
the gnarliest -d movie ever.

[grunts]

[laughter]

If only spongebob could pass
his boating test,

He'd be out of my life
once and for all.

Unfortunately,
I keep getting reminded

Of the consequences

If I get too angry
with the little nuisance.

I can't even leave town
without violating my parole.

Oh!

If there was only some way that
I didn't have to live in fear.

Fear--

That's the answer.

Spongebob is afraid
of the driving course.

So it would stand
to reason

That if he took
the driving test

Somewhere besides
the driving course,

He would pass!

Of course!

The answer's been in front
of me all along.

I'll test spongebob
on a real road,

And then he'll be out
of my life forever!

[laughs]

What could possibly
go wrong?

- [groans]

- [meows]

- Not now, gary.

Can't you see I'm wallowing
in my own filth?

[groans]

[knock on door]

Come back later.
I'm wallowing.

[knock on door]

[groans]

[door hinge squeaks]

- Good morning, spongebob.

- [gasps]

- Spongebob?

Spongebob?
- [coughs]

- Spongebob.

- I'm sorry mrs. Puff.

I am trying
to stay out of your sight.

- [laughs]
oh, that.

Let's forget what I said.

It's time
to take a fresh approach.

- Mrs. Puff, I--
you said--

Don't you remember?

I'm a--

- We don't have time
for this, spongebob.

We have a long day of driving
ahead of us.

[tense string orchestra music]

[crow-like cawing]

- Mrs. Puff,
why have you taken me

To this rather remote
and slightly scary landscape?

- To overcome
your fears, silly.

- [groans]
[bones jingle]

- It's not working.

- Here we are.

- Uh, where are we?

This old abandoned road
is the perfect venue

For your driving test.

- Driving test?

- That's right.

Now you're free from
all the distracting obstacles

On the boating course.

[tires screech]
out here,

There's nothing but the road.

Now scooch over.

Come on,
scooch over.

- But, mrs. Puff,
what about the fact

That I'm unteachable?
[seat belt clicks]

- Forget all about that.

Out here you could teach
a hermit crab to boat.

- Mrs. Puff,
I'm still intimidated.

- Listen, if you're nervous
about boating,

Simply repeat the words
"focus on the road.

There is nothing but the road."

Got it?
- Oh, okay.

Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.

Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.

[gulps]

Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.

Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.

Hey, look at me...

All not crashing and stuff.

Wonderful!

Keep that up,

And I'll have no choice
but to pass you.

Just repeat your mantra.

- Focus on the road--
the open, unintimidating road.

- Boating within the lines--

Well done.

- Focus on the road.

There is nothing but the road.
[tires screech]

- Finally using
your turn signal.

[laughs]
check.

- Focus on the road.
[tires screech]

There is nothing but the road.

- Roundabout navigation--
check.

- Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.

[engine revs]

- Safe and steady acceleration.

Check!

- Focus on the road.

There is nothing but the road.

Focus on the road.

[tires screeching]

There is nothing but the road.

[engine revs]

Focus on the road.

[tires screech]

There is nothing but the road.

Focus on the road.

[tires screech]

[echoing]
there is nothing but the road.

Focus on the road.

There is nothing but the road.

Focus on the road.

There is nothing but the road.

Focus on the road.

There is nothing but the road.

Focus on the road.

There is nothing but the road.

Focus on the road.

There is nothing but the road.

- Check, check, and check!

[sighs]

What is this?

Only one more test.

And it's the easiest one yet.

Spongebob, all you have to do

Is safely dock this vessel.

- Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.

Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.

Focus on the...
Road?

What happened to the road?

- Calm down, spongebob!

Listen! All you have to do
is safely stop this vessel!

- Focus on the road!
There is nothing but the road!

- Just stop the boat!

- Focus on the--
da-da-da--

The road!

- Spongebob, wait!
[tires screech]

Spongebob!

- That was a close one,
mrs. Puff.

But I am back on the road
and ready to focus upon it.

- Spongebob,
this isn't just any road.

[truck horn honks]

It's a ten-lane
intertidal seaway!

[truck horn honks]
- super-tidal inter--huh?

- Stay calm, spongebob.

Spongebob.
Spongebob!

Spongebob!

Remember your mantra!
- Right.

Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the--

[truck horn honks]
I can't even see the road!

[teeth chattering]
- spongebob!

[tires screeching]

Give me the wheel, spongebob.

Oh, dear.

He's completely frozen up!

[truck horn blaring]
[grunts]

Fiddlesticks!

[groans]

[truck horn blaring]

No-ho-ho!
[tires screeching]

- Reckless drivers.

I loathe reckless drivers.

[indistinct
police radio transmission]

[engine turning, revs]

Pull over, you menace.

- [screams]

[police siren wailing]

Uh, mrs. Puff,
can I have my arms back?

- I said stop your vessel!
- Ooh!

- Sorry, mr. Officer, sir!

I'm applying the brakes!

[engine revs]
oh!

- Ah, we've got us a runner.
[engine revs]

- Pull over, spongebob!

And make it quick.

Look!

- [screams]

[tires screech]
- no!

[crash]

Oh!

[tires screeching]
whoa!

[tires screeching]

[shrieks]

[tires screeching]
spongebob!

Hit the brakes!

- Huh? Oh! Okay.

[tires screeching]

- Goodness gracious.

There isn't a scratch
on this vessel.

Spongebob, the test is history.

You--you've passed!

Here's your license!

And I'm free!
[engine humming]

Ha ha!

[tires screech]

[indistinct
police radio transmission]

- I don't think so.

- Is there a problem,
officer?

[beeping]

- Well, you crossed
the county line

Three miles back.

You, ma'am,
are a parole violator,

Which makes this test
null and void.

I'll take that.

- Spongebob,
I'll get you for this!

I'll get you!