01x30 & 01x31 - Lincoln Loud Girl Guru/Come Sale Away

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like ping pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach
the bathroom on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles

♪ Diapers you can
smell for miles ♪

♪ Guy's gotta do
what he can to survive ♪

♪ In the Loud House,
in the Loud House ♪

♪ Duck, dodge,
push and shove ♪

♪ This is how
we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud House,
in the Loud House ♪

♪ One boy and ten girls

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

♪ Loud! Loud! Loud!

♪ Loud House! ♪
- Boo boo.

- ♪

- [ship's horn blasting]

- MALE TV ANNOUNCER:
Will our captivating captain

find her first mate,

or will it be man overboard?

Find out tonight
as we set sail for love

on "The Dream Boat."

- [ship's horn blasting]

- Eeeee! Karen should
totes pick Bronson.

He's so gorge,
I can't even...

- No way, dude.
What about Brock?

He wrote her
that sweet jam.

- [accordion music]

- I like Bram.
- [birds cawing]

- Ew, he gives
me the creeps.

- Exactly.

- I like Bryant.
[sniffing]

He's so romantic.

- Karen, I'll be
your North Star,

'cause no matter where
this journey takes you,

I'll always be there
to guide you home.

- North Star? Ach, poppycock.

Tree moss is a far more reliable
means of navigation--

given that it only grows on
the north side of trees.

- SISTERS:
[groaning]

- I like Blaine.

I bet he can bench
pounds,

maybe with his bod.

- Blaine? But he wore flip-flops
to their first date.

I mean, I can't even...

- SISTERS: [chattering]

- Lincoln, it's so much fun
watching this show with you.

You're like literally
one of the girls.

- [gasps]
One of the girls?!

- This mud mask is both
cleansing and invigorating.

- Oh, my pores are tingling.

- Thanks, Lincoln.
I always mess up my right hand.

- Hey! Someone put her dirty
old dress in the wash

with all my pageant gowns!
[roaring]

[bonks head]

Oh, I can't rip you apart,
if you're already dead!

- Back two over one.
- You got it, bro.

These accessories will make
our outfits rockin'.

- R-R-R-Rockin'!

- Lincoln,
how's that hem coming?

- Almost done.

- Thanks. I can wear this
poncho for all five seasons.

- Yikes! Is spending all
my time around girls

turning me into one?

Nah, I'm sure I'll
turn out fine.

- DAD: What did I miss?

Did Blaine finally
put on some loafers?

- This show's lame.
Let's watch guy stuff.

- SISTERS: Hey!

- MALE TV ANNOUNCER: A lifetime
in the extreme wilderness

has made Rip Hardcore as tough
as a two-dollar steak.

- Now this is
my kind of show.

- [scoffs] Since when?
- DAD: Oh, no, turn it back!

We're gonna miss
the anchor ceremony!

- [punching, smacking]
- It's mine! Gimme it!

- Let me get this straight.

You think living with the girls
has made you unmanly,

so, we're spending a weekend
in the extreme wilderness

so, we can turn into steaks?

- Uh, close enough.

Now, are you ready
to get extreme?

- You know it!
- [chests thudding]

- Wait, I promised my dads
I'd stay in their sightline.

It's supposed to be
a really nice B&B.

- Clyde, how are
we supposed to toughen up

with your dads
watching over us?

- They were willing
to bring us

some of their complementary
welcome scones.

- Now this spot looks perfect.

- But the sign says no camping
here, extreme danger.

- Exactly--extreme.

Our first order of
business--securing shelter.

- My dads used this tent
on a safari last year.

It has its own verandah.

- Tough guys don't
sleep on verandahs, Clyde.

They build their own shelter.

- What a beaut.

- All in a manly day's work.

Now how about we rustle
up some grub?

- Great. My dad made
my favorite--

Swiss chard frittata.

- Forget the frittata, Clyde.
Tough guys eat beans.

- Were you thinking chili
or more of a cassoulet?

- Mm! Mm! Mm!
Good stuff, right?

- Very...tasty.

- I think I'll save
the rest for later.

- Yeah, for breakfast--
or never.

- Well, we're burnin'
daylight here.

Better get started
on our campfire.

- Way ahead of you.

This baby's got
LED lights, silk flames,

and a realistic
crackling sound.

- [flames crackling]

- [crackling stops]

- Clyde, tough guys
make real fires.

[smacking stones]

[blowing air]

- [thuds]

- [shivering] R-R-Really tough
guys don't even need fires.

They brave the elements.

- [farts]
Sorry. Musta been the beans.

Or the loss of feeling
below my waist.

- No need to
apologize, Clyde.

Tough guys let it all out.

[huge fart]

- [laughs]
Well, in that case...

- [huge belch]
- [huge belch]

[laughing]
- [farting]

- BOTH: [belching,
farting, laughing]

- [bird screeches]

- [owl hoots]

- [yawning]

All this extreme ruggedness
has worn me out.

What level of firmness
do you want?

- We don't need that.
The ground will be our mattress.

- Oh, so extra firm.

- We're tough guys,
not animals.

I'm really glad
we did this, Clyde.

Out here in the woods,
away from all the girls,

I'm starting to feel
like a real man.

- Me, too.
[farts]

[laughing]

Oh, I think I just
found a way to stay warm.

[farts]
- [sniffing]

- [birds chirping]
- [loon calling]

- [yawning]

Ah, nothing like
waking up and--

- Water!
We're in the water!

- Ah! How did this happen?

- [waves splashing]

- [waterfall thundering]

- BOTH: [scream]
Paddle!

- Hey, isn't that
our shelter?

- LINCOLN:
It's making a dam.

- BOTH: Yeah!
- We're saved.

And all because
we built our own shelter,

like the tough--
- BOTH: [screaming]

- Lincoln? Are you okay?

- I'm fine. I landed
on a really soft rock.

- [moose bellowing,
snorting]

- Not a rock! Moose!
[screaming]

- [moose bellowing]
- [screams]

- [sniffing]

- Ha! Nothing two tough
guys like us can't handle.

Right, Clyde?

- [moose thudding tree]
- Whoa!

- [thudding tree]

- BOTH:
[screaming]

- Oh! Clyde, are you okay?

- I'm fine. I landed
on a really soft rock.

- [bees buzzing]
- Not a rock. A beehive!

[screaming]

- LINCOLN:
[screaming]

This is still nothing tough
guys like us can't handle.

At least it's not raining.
- [thunder crashing]

- Is that all you've got?

- [mud sloshing]
- BOTH: [screaming]

[panting]

- Lincoln, I know this
probably sounds lame

to a tough guy like you,
but I'm hungry, and wet,

and cold, and I kinda wish

I was with my dads
at the B&B,

eating welcome scones.

- So do I.
[sighing]

I was kidding
myself, Clyde.

I'm no tough guy.

After all those years
around all those women,

it's too late for me.

Now, if you don't mind,

I'm gonna lie down on
this nice soft rock.

- [growling]
- Not a rock! Bear!

- [roaring]
- BOTH: [screaming]

- Clyde, quick, play dead.

- [sniffing]

[bonks head]

[feet padding]

- Lincoln, that was amazing.

How did you know
to play dead?

- [bonks head]

Oh, I can't rip you apart,
if you're ready dead!

- BOTH: [panting]

- It's something
I learned from Lucy.

- D-D-Does she know anything
about k-k-keeping warm?

- No, but Leni does.

- I can wear this poncho
for all five seasons.

The key is the faux
fur lining.

- Wow, it is so toasty.

- The key is
the birch bark lining.

Now, come on, Clyde,
we're goin' home.

- Which way?

- Why, it's just...

This way!

Lisa said that moss only grows
on the north side of trees.

- My dads are staying at
the North Valley B&B.

Follow that moss!

- [shoes "screeching"]

- How do we get up there?

- You got it, bro.

These accessories will
make our outfits rockin'.

- R-R-R-Rockin'!

- And if you braid
the strands real tight,

they're strong enough to
use as rope, right, Chuck?

- Right as rain, luv.

We're gonna need a bigger
window, though.

- Back two over one.

That'll hold.

- This is great, Lincoln.

What'd you make
this rope out of?

- This should help
the poison ivy.

Oh, my pores are tingling.

- It also soothes sunburn,
poison ivy,

and mild to moderate acne.

- ♪

- [shoes "screech"]
- [loud smack]

- [straining]

- How are we gonna
move this bad boy?

- [straining]

- Step aside. I got this.

[spits]

You've gotta lift with
your legs, not your back.

You see?
[grunting]

[grunts]
- [rock thuds]

- ♪

- [log creaking]
- Whoa! [gasping]

- How do you
balance in those?

- Eyes forward, chin up,
tushy clenched.

- ♪

- Good tip, Lincoln.
It really works.

- I don't think you
have to do the wave.

- Voilà!

- ♪

- Clyde, we did it!
We made it back!

[sighing]

- I'm pooped.

I'm just gonna sit down
and wait for my dads

on this nice soft rock.

- BOTH:
[screaming]

- Oh, this one's
really just a rock.

- I thought spending so much
time around my sisters

was a problem, when actually
it's just the opposite.

If it wasn't for them,

I'd probably be
a moose meal by now,

and now that I don't
have to worry about

what's manly or girly
or any of that junk,

I can go back
to enjoying this.

Who wants
strawberry muffins?

- DAD & SISTERS:
I do! I do!

[chomping]

- Oh, Blaine, please tell
me you're not wearing clogs.

- ♪

- [school bell ringing]

- I'm so excited,
I can't sit still!

- I know. I'm so excited,
my palms are sweaty.

I hope he gets here soon.

I'd really like
to eat my lunch.

- Today's the day that
our classmate Chandler

is handing out invites
to his birthday party.

It's at the sewage treatment
plant where his dad works,

and everyone says
it's gonna be epic!

- I hear the facilities
can process metric tons

of human waste a day.

- I hear they have a secret
room for the mutant animals

they find in the sewers.

- I hear, if you take
off your mask in there,

the stink will burn
off your nose hairs.

- I really hope
we get invited.

- [light switch clicks off]
- Huh?

- [loud music playing]
- STUDENTS: [cheering]

- It's happening!

Oh... [giggles] Sorry.

Sweaty palms.

- [expl*si*n]

- STUDENTS:
[gasping]

- Put on your
galoshes, people,

'cause it's time to partay!

- STUDENTS:
[gasping]

- Darren, Miguel, Molly,

girl Jordan, boy Jordan,
Kyle, Kat..

- BOTH: Oh, over here!
Over here!

- And the last two
invites go to...

- BOTH:
Eeeeeee!

- Joy and Jen!

- [music continues playing]

[music stops]

- [light switch clicks on]

- We can probably stop
holding hands now.

- I don't get it. How could
Chandler not invite us?

I loaned him a pencil
in math class

and held the bathroom
door open for him.

- And I made eye contact
with him every day...

like this...

Who wouldn't want
this face at a party?

- Hi, Lincoln.
- L-L-L-Lori?

[sighing]
- Hey, Lori.

- Thanks for telling me
about the job opening here.

Guess what?
I literally got hired!

Now I can buy a new dress
for the big dance this Friday.

The theme is
"Romance Under the Sea,"

and Bobby and I are
the Sea King and Queen.

It's gonna be
the greatest night ever.

- MAN: Loud,
back to work!

If you got time to lean,
you got time to clean.

- Coming!

Oh, I almost forgot.

Employees get free
tokens every shift.

You guys can have mine.

- Thanks!
Clyde, check it out.

Free tokens from Lori.
- L-L-L-Lori?

[sighing]

- MALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Great move! Fifty points!

- Woo!
- Wow, way to go, Clyde.

- I'm saving my tickets to buy
Lori that bobblehead pig.

- [pig screeching, oinking]

- Ooh, I hope she doesn't
already have one.

- Are you going to be okay
with Lori working here?

- As long as I don't see her,
hear her or smell her, sure.

- Here you go,
free pizza and root beers.

Just my way of saying thanks
for helping me get this job.

- ♪ La la la la la la la

♪ La la la la la la la la
- Hey, Larry.

- It's Lincoln.

The guy who held
the bathroom door for you?

- Hm...I don't
remember that.

Hey, did I just see
you get free pizza?

- Yeah, my sister
works here.

- Man, that must be nice.

- Here, why don't
you take it?

- Really? Thanks.

- Hey! Lori gave
me that pizza.

I was going to put
it in my scrapbook.

- Clyde, if we give Chandler
all our freebies from Lori,

he might invite us to
his sewage party after all.

- Brilliant!
The man with a plan.

- You got that right.
[chomps]

This was up your nose,
wasn't it?

- [video game music]

- MALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Game over.

Insert one token
to continue playing.

- Aw, man.

- Hey, Chandler,
need some tokens?

- Sweet. Thanks, Larry.

- I'll grab us
some free drinks.

- Here you go.

Anything for the brother
who helped me get this job.

- LINCOLN, CLYDE, CHANDLER:
Cheers!

[drinking]

- Hey, you guys
are all right.

You know, I'm having a birthday
party this Friday and--

- LINCOLN & CLYDE:
[sputtering]

- It's your birthday?
I had no idea.

- Me, neither.

I didn't know you
were having a party

at the sewage
treatment plant--

I mean, wherever
your dad works, I mean--

- Uh, Clyde, why don't
we let Chandler

finish what he was saying?

- Yeah, so, my party.
You guys totally have to come.

I'll bring
the invites tomorrow.

Meet here after school.

- Yeah. Cool. Whatev.

- BOTH: Eeeeee!

♪ We're goin'
to the partay ♪

♪ We're goin'
to the partay ♪

- Here he comes.
Play it cool.

- Cool is my middle name.

- Chandler, buddy,
how's it going?

- Hey, dude, you got
any more free tokens?

- What? Oh. Yeah, sure.

- Thanks!

- Where are the invitations?
- He probably just forgot.

He's got a lot on his mind

planning that big
sewage party and all.

- Hey, guys,
I almost forgot...

to ask for three root beers.

Can you get us some
from your sister?

- What's with this guy?

- Be patient, Clyde.

I'm sure we're gonna
get our invitations.

Hey, Lori, can you spare some
root beers for my friends?

- Sorry, Lincoln, I've gotta
cool it on the free stuff.

I don't wanna get in
trouble with my boss.

- I get it.
I know how your boss is.

I remember how tough he was

when I talked to him
about hiring you.

Sorry it took so long.
The soda machine exploded.

Heh. Almost looks like
a sewer backed up in there.

- Hm, yeah.
Sad story, Larry.

Hey, I almost forgot...

we'd love a pizza--
half pepperoni, half meatball.

Thanks, dude!

- Sure, dude.
Not a problem.

- Yeah, that's a problem.

Root beers are one thing,
but a pizza is too much.

- I know. I'm sorry.

I mean, if anyone
knows how hard it is

to get you a job,
it's me.

- Are we really doing this?

- Doing what?

Here's your pizza, guys.

Hey, Chandler, may I
"invite" you to have a slice?

- Thanks, dude.
[chomping]

- Aren't you forgetting
something?

- Some pepper flakes
would be great.

- LINCOLN:
[sighing]

All my clever hints
and nothing.

- Maybe we should just ask
him for the invitations.

- Clyde, if we're too pushy,
he might uninvite us.

Let's just keep
playing it cool.

- You're right, Larry.

Oh! Now he's got
me doing it.

- Two tickets? Oh, man.

I really wanted
that ukulele,

but it costs .

Guys, gimme yours.

That's all you've got?

- Four hundred
and ninety-eight...

four hundred
and ninety-nine--

- Clyde, give Chandler
your tickets.

- What?! No way!

I almost have enough for
Lori's bobblehead pig.

A courting man must come
bearing gifts, Lincoln.

- Focus on the invitations.

We're so close
I can feel it.

- [sighing]

Here, Chandler,
you can have my tickets.

- Sweet!

Guys, I can't believe
I forgot...

I promised to bring
home some garlic knots.

- [sighing]

- No more, Lincoln,
and don't give me that

you got me this job baloney.

It's not gonna work.

- Lori, please?

I promise this is
the last time.

Clyde and I really wanna
go to this kid's party,

and if we don't give him
everything he wants,

we could lose
our invitations,

which, technically,
we don't even have yet.

- Lincoln, you're
literally babbling.

- MAN: Loud,
get back to work!

- [groans]

Fine! Now leave me alone.

- You rock, Loud. Later.

Oh, one more thing...

- Right. The marinara
dipping sauce.

- No, these.
- BOTH: Yes!

- Remember, it's my birthday,
so you should bring presents.

- BOTH: Eeeeee!

♪ We're gonna party
with sewage ♪

♪ We're gonna party
with sewage ♪

- Hey, ready for your dance?

You're not wearing
that, are you?

- I'm not going
to the dance.

My boss is making
me work tonight

to pay for all
the free stuff I gave you.

Instead of
"Romance Under the Sea,"

I'm gonna have mozzarella
under the fingernails.

Thanks a lot, Lincoln.

- [knocking on door]
- [gasps] Oh!!

♪ La la la la la

Phew! That was
a close one.

- Clyde, what are
you wearing?

- This is the only way
my dads would let me

visit a place where I might get
splashed with raw sewage.

Speaking of which,

are you ready to make this
the greatest night ever?

- Yes, I am.

- MAN: Loud,
get to work!

If you have time to lean,
you have time to clean.

- I'm on it.

- [tabletop squeaking]
- [door opens]

- Ah, sea monster!

I mean, you look
great, Lori.

- I know. Right?

Hey, little bro, thanks for
convincing the manager

to let you fill in for me.

- Huh, it's the least
I could do.

I mean, this dance is why you
got this job in the first place.

- I'm sorry you won't get to
go to your friend's party.

- That's okay.
He's not really my friend.

He was just using me--

the way I was using you.

Have an awesome
time tonight.

- Thanks, Lincoln.

- [loud crash]
- BOTH: Bobby's here.

- [countertop squeaking]

- Hey, Linc.
- Clyde?

What are you doing here?

- I couldn't go to that party
without you, Lincoln.

Besides, the Hazmat suit
was giving me a heat rash.

- I guess we'll never
get to experience

the wonders of raw sewage.

- Or have our nose hairs
b*rned off by the stench.

- MAN: Hey, Loud,
grab a mop.

The toilet in stall
three is overflowing.

It's a real stinkfest
in there.

- Put on your
galoshes, Clyde,

'cause it's time to party.

- BOTH: Yeah!

- CLYDE: Whoa, this is better
than the sewage treatment plant!

It's burning my nose hairs!

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad,
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud House

♪ Loud House

♪ Duck and dodge

♪ And push and shove

♪ That's the way
we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud House,
Loud House ♪

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy

♪ Chaos with kids

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud House ♪