03x20 - Absent Minded

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

- Wow, Clyde.

Perfect attendance since
kindergarten?

That's really impressive.
- Thanks, Lincoln,

but it's not that
big of a deal.

- Are you kidding?
You're the first kid

at our school to get
this award in years!

- You're right!
It is a big deal!

I gotta document it
in my school journal.

[pleasant jazzy music]

"Got attendance award
at school today.

Beautiful ceremony."

- You write in that every day?

- Yup, every day
since kindergarten.

Great way to preserve
important memories.

Here.

"Stayed after school
to clap erasers.

It was amazing."

"Traded my dad's quiche
for Rusty's leftover pizza.

Big mistake."

"Accidentally bumped into
Mollie in the hall.

Felt guilty the rest
of the day."

"Didn't go to school today."

"Aced a math test."
Wait, what?

"Didn't go to school today"?!

No!

I can't believe it!
I'm a fraud!

I'm gonna have to return this.
- Clyde, don't you dare.

- But I don't deserve it!

- Are you kidding?
So you missed one day

out of, what, , ?

That's still
pretty awesome, Clyde.

- Perfect attendance, Lincoln.

What do you think that means?

- That's fair, buddy.
You've got my support.

Do what you need to do.
- [sighs]

[melancholy music]

"Took back plaque.
Devastating blow,

but the right thing to do."

[bell rings]

Principal Huggins,
got a second?

- I always have time
for a VIP like you,

Mr. Perfect Attendance.

- You shouldn't
call me that, sir.

- Don't be so modest, son.

I know what a big deal
this award is.

You know the last kid to win
it years ago?

This good-looking guy
right here.

- Actually, I, uh...

just discovered that I, uh...

- I'd like to make you
my junior administrator.

It's a lot of responsibility.

You'll raise
the flag every day,

help Cheryl with
the clerical work,

weigh in on the cafeteria menu,

oversee the hall monitors,

and read the morning
announcements!

- M--m--
morning announcements?

- Well, if you're going
to stutter like that,

you can't do it.
And if all goes well,

who knows, McBride?
Who knows?

Maybe someday you'll be sitting
at this very desk!

- [gasps]

Lincoln Loud Jr., please report
to the principal's office...

again.

- So what do you say?

[tense music]

- I accept, sir!

[triumphant music]

♪ ♪

[horn honks]

[gasps] The golf cart?
No way.

- Just one of the perks
of being junior administrator.

Later, Mr. Junior
Administrator!

- Wow, Clyde!
Junior administrator?

So Principal Huggins
didn't care

that you missed
one day of school?

- Actually, I didn't tell him.

He offered me this job
and said

he thinks I could be
principal someday.

It's the dream
I never knew I had.

Do you think less of me
for not being honest?

- Not at all.

And I think you'd make

a great principal.
- Thanks, buddy.

I'll try not to be
too hard on Lincoln Jr.

- What?

[purposeful music]

- Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

[slurps]Mm-hmm.

Perhaps a bit more oregano.

Very good.
Yes, yes.

Lookin' good, troops!

Now, Norm just waxed
the floors,

so let's be extra careful
out there, people.

- Knock 'em dead, sugar.
Going live in three, two...

- Good morning,
Royal Woods Elementary.

This is Junior Administrator
Clyde McBride

with today's announcements.

Due to a statewide
investigation

into the effects of chalk dust,

no erasers are to be clapped
until further notice.

- I'm so happy you're here,
Clyde.

Land sakes, I can sure use
the help with my new project:

digitizing all
the student files.

- Student files?

Does that include
attendance records?

- Well, why wouldn't it,
june bug?

- [groans dizzily]

- [screams]

- Lincoln!
I've got a code butterscotch!

- Cheryl's digitizing
the school records

and is going to find out that
your attendance isn't perfect?

- Exactly.
But I've got a plan.

- I'm in.

- I'm going back to school

after Principal Huggins and
Cheryl leave to remove my file.

- I'm in.
- Now I know it sounds risky,

and I understand if you don't
wanna get involved.

- I'm in!
- But it would really mean

a lot to me if--
wait, did you say you're in?

- Three times.

- Oh, you're the best, buddy.

[mysterious music]

♪ ♪

- Whoa.
This could take a while.

Well, that took less time
than I thought it would.

- We did it!

And with my file safely
in my possession,

my little secret
is perfectly safe.

[exhales] Now no one
will ever know I lied

about my perfect attendance.

Success!
- Success!

[sloshing sound]

[dark music]

[both shout]

- What is Norm
still doing here?

Do you think he heard
what I just said?

- Probably not.
- He must've!

These halls echo
like the Grand Canyon.

Now he's gonna tell
Principal Huggins,

who will interrogate me,
and I'll crumble like a cookie!

It's what I do.

There goes the dream
I just discovered I had.

- Okay, take it easy, Clyde.

- We have to make sure
Norm stays quiet.

And I know how to do it.

[toilet flushes]

Toilets are all clean.
How's it going out here?

- The soap scum and mildew
are almost gone.

I think we may be stuck
with the smell forever, though.

- Loud?
McBride?

Are you boys...cleaning?

- Yup, just thought you could
use a little help.

- Wow!
Much appreciated.

I haven't touched this bathroom
since the great flood of .

- Well, now you don't have to.

And you know
what they say, Norm:

I scratch your back,
you scratch mine.

So we're good, right?

- I scratch...
[stammers] Wha--

- Ah-ah.
You don't have to say anything.

You said it all with your eyes.

We did it!

Now no one will ever know

I lied about
my attendance record.

[mechanical clicking]

[dark music]

Do you think Coach Pacowski
heard what I just said?

- Probably not.
- He must've!

The acoustics in here
are like Carnegie Hall!

- Clyde, I really think--

- We have to make sure
Coach stays quiet.

And I know how to do it.

[both gasping]
- Loud? McBride?

What are you doing
under my boat?

- Just taking care of those
pesky barnacles for you, Coach.

Gotta keep your vessel
in tip-top shape.

- Why would you do that?

- Well, you know what
they say, Coach:

I scratch your back,
you scratch mine.

- I don't think you got enough
oxygen down there, McBride.

Ma! I just scraped all
the barnacles off the boat!

Can I have my allowance now?

- [exhales] That was
a close one.

If Coach P told
Principal Huggins

that I lied about
my attendance record,

ooh, I'd be sunk.

[both shout]

[pop music playing
through headphones]

Did Nurse Patti hear
what I said

about my attendance record?

- Does it even matter
what I say?

- Of course she heard.

The lake breeze carried my
melodious voice!

We have to make sure
Nurse Patti stays quiet.

And I know just how to do it.

Okay, Petey, you seem
to be all clear.

Don't forget your lollipop.

both: Hey, Nurse Patti.
- Oh, uh,

what are you boys doing
in my office?

- We just checked
all of the kindergartners

for head lice.

- Uh, okay.

I'm a little confused here.

- Are you?
I think it's pretty clear.

I scratch your back,
you scratch mine.

Now that we have
an understanding,

I'll just take a lollipop
and be on my way.

Yes! That was
the last loose end.

Now no one will ever
know that I--

- This is the part
where you get into trouble,

so I'm gonna stop you
right here.

[horn honks]
- McBride.

I got you something.

Your very own golf cart.
Here's the key.

- Wow.
She's beautiful.

But why are you doing this?

- I heard about everything
you did for our school,

even scrubbing Coach's boat
so he could get his allowance.

You've earned it, son.

- Well, I don't know
about that.

- There's that winning
McBride humility.

You know what?

You've got more than
perfect attendance.

You've got perfect character.

- Good morning,
Royal Woods Elementary.

Here are today's announcements.
Due to a pending lawsuit,

there will be no more dodgeball
until further notice.

The spelling team
took first place last night

in the regionals.

Today is Girl Jordan's
birthday,

so if you see her in the hall,
be sure to wish her well.

[sighs] Oh, and one more thing:

Clyde McBride is
a big, fat liar.

- [yelps]

- My attendance
isn't perfect at all

and neither is my character.

I don't deserve to be
a junior administrator

or a future principal.

And because of all that,

I hereby resign my post,

effective immediately.

- [yelps]

- Oh, and today's lunch
is macaroni and cheese.

- Clyde!
What are you doing?

- I decided I can't live
a lie anymore, Lincoln.

- Well, I wish you
had realized that

before we scrubbed the toilets,
but I get it.

- McBride, someone was just
on the loudspeaker

impersonating you!

- No, sir, that was me.

I haven't been honest with you.
I actually missed a day.

I'm sorry about everything.

- Hold on now,
cheese and grits.

You never missed a day
of school!

- Yes, I did.

April , .
It's in my school journal.

- Well, nobody was at school
that day, sugar dumpling.

That was the great flood
of .

"School closed due
to toilet expl*si*n.

Norm the janitor applies for
emergency leave of absence."

- So my attendance record
is perfect after all?

- As perfect as my mama's plum
pudding on a Christmas morning!

- [sighs happily]

[purposeful music]

- Well, now that we've
cleared this up,

McBride, there's some cupcakes
that need tasting

in the cafeteria.
- On it, sir!

- He'll probably need
an assist with that.

- Back to class, Loud.

- Dang it.

[pleasant jazzy music]

- "Amazing day.

"Turns out dreams
you never knew you had

"really can come true.

"Head itches.

Better see Nurse Patti
tomorrow."

- Liam, would you be interested
in my hand-cut sushi?

It's yellowtail.

- [chuckles] You know I am!

Hey, you want my deviled eggs?
They're farm-to-table.

- Lincoln, is that
your dad's homemade pudding?

- It is.
What are you offering?

- One bologna sandwich,
fridge-to-table.

- Throw in your buffalo chips,
and we've got a deal.

- So no takers on my tuna kit?

- Your mom's still buying
those, huh?

- Guys, here comes
the new girl--

the one I met on the bus!

[dreamy doo-wop music]

- Ooh-whee.
She sure is easy on the eyes.

- Oh, yeah.

And I hear she speaks
three languages.

- Have you guys heard
her laugh?

It's so...contagious.

- I like the way
her hair smells.

What?
Too far?

- Here she comes!
Be cool, be cool!

- Hey, guys.

Anybody wanna trade
for my carrots?

[awkward music]

- [gulps, chokes]

- [yelps, coughs]

- Uh...right.

So, yeah, I'll just, uh...yeah.

- Wonder what that
was all about.

- I don't know, but I'm glad
we played it so cool.

- Okay, guys.
Snake formation.

- [hissing]

- Keep an eye out
for Girl Jordan.

Last time, she blindsided us.

- Hey, guys.
What do you have going on here?

Some kind of
defensive maneuver?

Can I get in on this?

[awkward music]

O...kay.
Well, good luck.

- Seriously, why does she keep
coming over to us?

[grunts]
- Aw, come on, Girl Jordan!

Coach didn't even blow
the whistle yet.

- I think we can all agree

I should handle
the Bunsen burner

after what happened last time.
- Yeah.

Rusty and his aftershave.

- What can I say?
It sets the ladies on fire too.

- Hey, guys.
Need another lab partner?

Otherwise, I have to be
with Mrs. Johnson.

Not that she doesn't seem cool,
but you know what I mean.

- You b*rned off
my moustache, Zach.

- It was, like,
two hairs, Rusty.

- I still don't get it.

Why does Stella keep
coming over to talk to us?

That's three times in one day.

- Maybe she's trying
to sell us a time-share.

- [gasps] Maybe she's spying
on us for the CIA!

- Guys, what you don't know
about women

could fill a library.

She obviously has a crush
on one of us.

- Now that you mention it,
I was picking up some vibes.

- [chuckles] Dang!
I wonder who she likes.

- I guess we'll just have
to wait

till she makes her next move.

- I hope I have time
to grow back my 'stache.

[rousing ' s rock music]

♪ ♪

Anyone want
some breath spray?

Sour green apple.
It's a total lady-k*ller.

- I'll take some.

That tuna kit didn't
do much for my breath.

- Here she comes.
Play it cool.

- Hey, guys.

Lincoln, do you wanna go to the
Burpin' Burger after school?

- Yes!
I knew it was me!

I mean, sure, I think I'm free.

- Great.
My family's on a health kick,

and I'm really craving
some fries.

I'll meet you by the buses.

- Ah, lucky!
- You dog!

- Congratulations, buddy.
- [scoffs] It's always Lincoln.

- What can I say?

I mean, I am having
a really good hair week.

You should've seen her
on that claw machine!

She was a boss.
- Man, she's cool.

- And get this: we both prefer
curly fries to regular.

It's like we're meant
for each other.

- Well, everyone
prefers curly fries.

- Oh, here she comes!

[dreamy doo-wop music]

- Probably gonna ask about
date number two, eh, eh?

♪ ♪

- Hey, Rusty.

- Ow!
- Do you wanna go

to the flea market
with me later?

- Totally, totally.
- Cool.

- Gah!

- What was that, man?

Stella and I have
a thing going on.

- What do you want me to say?

I guess she decided she prefers
red sauce over white sauce.

And then we went out
for ice cream,

and it turns out,
we both like waffle cones.

- Well, everyone likes
waffle cones.

- Hey, check it out, Rusty!

[dreamy doo-wop music]

- Probably wants to lock
me down for the whole weekend.

- Hey, Liam.

You wanna go to the mall
after school?

I know this sounds weird,
but I really like

trying on wigs
at the wig store.

- [grunts]

Uh, don't sound weird to me.

I'm in!

- What the heck, Liam?

- Tough break, red sauce.

Guess she's more into
biscuits and gravy now.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[groans] I'm so confused.

Why does Stella keep
asking out all of us?

What is her deal?

[TV playing]

- Male sibling lacking melanin,

care to join us in viewing
"The Dream Boat"?

- Eh, I'm not really
in the mood.

- I'm really torn.

They're all great guys,

but I'm still not sure who
I want to be my first mate.

Guess I'll just wait
till one of them

blows me out of the water.

- Oh! So that's
what Stella's doing.

Move over.

[bell rings]

[' s rock music]

♪ ♪

- [sneezes]

- Well, well, well.

Look at you, Mr. Date Khakis.

- It's laundry day.
I couldn't find my jeans.

What about you guys?
- What?

I happened to have a coupon
for teeth whitening.

Ee!
[all exclaim]

- And I always wear
this much cologne.

- And I've been meaning
to ditch my glasses.

- Okay, guys, let's be real.

We all watched
"The Dream Boat" last night,

We know Stella hasn't
decided who she likes,

and we're all trying to
"blow her out of the water."

- You know it!
- Darn tootin'.

- You're right.
- Well, uh,

this is awkward.
- It doesn't have to be.

We can be gentlemen about this.
- Yeah.

- Sure, let's be gentlemen.
- Okay, I see that.

[dance music playing
over headphones]

[tense music]

- [panting]

Stella!

[grunts]

[both panting]

[rock music]

- Ah! Too bright!

♪ ♪

- [shouts]

[grunts]
- Yeah!

♪ ♪

- Girl Jordan, I'll trade you
my pudding for a meatball.

Thanks!

[shouts]

- [in slow motion] No!

- What?
You said she likes red sauce.

- Low blow, man.
This is dry-clean only.

♪ ♪

- In case anyone's interested,
I'm out of the snake formation.

- Well, I actually left it
earlier than you.

I just didn't tell you.

- The snake formation
is officially dead.

- Fine by me.
- Me too!

[whistle blows]

- That's for the meatball.

Ow!
- That's for the mustard.

Oof!
- That's for blinding me.

- Ah!
- Take that!

[all shouting,
punches smacking]

[whistle blows]

- Now, how did this happen?

I thought you boys
had a snake formation.

- Those days are over.

- Well, that's a shame.

I always thought
it was so nice,

the way you all looked out
for each other.

- She's right.

What are we doing?
Are we really gonna

throw away our friendship
over a girl?

- Well, that ain't what I want.

- Me neither.
You guys are my support circle.

- I honestly don't think I can
make new friends at this point.

- I can't believe we ever
let things get this far.

- And the crazy thing is,
none of this is even our fault.

It's Stella's for pitting us
against each other.

- Yeah.
- You're right!

- I say we go give her
the what for right now.

Snake formation, fellers?

[all hissing]

- Stella, we need
to talk to you.

- Oh, hey, guys.
What's up?

- Oh, I think you know.

We're through
with your mind games.

Uh, thanks, Lincoln.

- My what?
- Don't act all innocent.

You nearly broke up
our friendship.

- Asking us all out on dates
then making us compete

to see who would
"blow you out of the water"?

- Blow me out of the water?
What are you talking about?

- Doesn't matter.
We're done.

You couldn't choose
one of us for a boyfriend,

so now you don't get any of us.

- [laughs] What?

I'm sorry for laughing.
It's just...

you guys are so off base.

I don't want a boyfriend.
I just wanted to be friends...

with all of you.

- Well, why didn't you just
say that in the first place?

- Uh, you may recall that
every time I walked up

to you guys as a group,
you acted like total weirdos.

That's why I was trying to get
to know you one-on-one--

or what you call "dates."
all: Ah.

- You know, maybe
this was a bad idea.

It seems like you guys
just can't handle

being friends with a girl.

I'm gonna go hang out with
my lab partner, Mrs. Johnson.

- Oh, man, we really messed up.

- It's too bad,
'cause Stella's really fun.

I was hoping she'd teach me
how to master the claw machine.

- Yeah, and I was hoping
she'd help me pick out

a wig for my mee-maw.

- And she would've made
a great addition

to our snake formation.
She could've been the rattle.

- Well, maybe if we go
tell her how sorry we are,

she'll give us another chance.

Hey, Stella, we just wanna
apologize for how we acted.

- Yeah.
You were right.

Just 'cause you're a gal
and we're fellers

don't mean you had to be
fixing for a romance.

- What we don't know about
women could fill a library.

- We just hope
you can forgive us,

because we all really liked
hanging out with you--

as a friend.

Um, okay, well, that's cool.

I guess we'll just,
uh, see you around.

- Hang on.

Lincoln, what's in
that thermos?

- My dad's homemade
tomato soup.

- I'll trade you
my fruit salad for it.

- Deal!

- Hey, how about swapping
them there rice cakes

for some hush puppies?
- Definitely.

- Any chance you'd trade
your juice box

for a tuna kit?
- Sorry, dude.

That's where I draw the line.
[laughter]

- After lunch, we can work out
our new snake formation.

- Just wanna throw
it out there:

have you guys ever considered
a scorpion formation?

It's % more effective.

boys: Ooh!
- We're listening.

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house ♪

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪