01x34 - The Loudest Yard

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house

♪ In the Loud house

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud

♪ Loud house

- Poo-poo.

[rousing orchestral music]

♪

- [grunting]

- Lincoln,
why don't you go outside?

It's not healthy to sit around
playing video games all day.

- Actually, Mom,
some studies show--

- Out.

- Right.

[birds chirping]

- [grunts]

- That's not what I meant.

You need to get some exercise,
and I have just the thing.

- [panting] Good workout,
huh, son?

- Feeling the burn, Dad.

- Last one to the food court
buys the soft pretzels!

- [gasps]

[video games chime and buzz]

- A-hem.

- Oh. Hey, Dad.

Guess I'm paying
for the pretzels.

- [panting] See?

Exercise can be fun!
Whee!

- I read you
loud and clear, Mom.

- Lincoln! I see I'm going
to have to take other measures.

- What kind of measures?

[whistle blowing]

Football?

Come on, Mom.
You know sports aren't my thing.

[rousing orchestral music]

♪

Ow!

- Ugh, I know, honey,
but you left me no choice.

One way or another, you have
to get some exercise.

- Mom, wait!

Look, I'm exercising right now.
Ow, ow, Charley horse.

- [sighs]

- Clearly I cannot
play football.

Fortunately, in a big family
there's always someone

who can help you out of a jam.

- An injury to get out
of sports?

That can be arranged.

- Just not the face.

- We'll see.

- Go easy, okay?

- We'll see.

[engine whirs]

[tires squeal]

[crash]

[horn blares, groaning]

You want an injury?
I'll give you one!

- Ow, ow, Charley horse.

[grunting]

- Oh, we're wrestling?
Cool.

[blows whistle]

Lola, that's
unnecessary roughness.

- Well, he deserves it.

I was trying to help him
get out of playing football,

and he made me total my car!

And I just put in
the cupcake air freshener!

- Wait. Get out
of playing football?

Why would you wanna do that?
Football rules.

- Maybe for you.
I don't even know how to play.

Plus, I'm gonna get
my butt kicked.

- You got that right.

- That's enough.
Hit the showers.

[groaning]

- You forget that you've got
a secret w*apon: Me.

I'll teach you everything you
need to know about football.

- Um...

- Good.
Now drop and give me .

- I've only got a five.

[exciting music]

♪

[retching]

♪

Oh.

♪

- [panting]

[horn honking]

♪

["Peanuts"-style music]

- [yelling]

♪

- Hike!

[kids laughing]

- If you clowns are done,
we need the field.

We gotta practice
for junior football league.

- You guys are playing
junior football too?

What team are you on?

- The Hazeltuckey Hockers!

- What team are you on?
- The Royal Woods Roosters.

both:
Cock-a-doodle-do!

- Nice cheer. When we play you,
you're cock-a-doodle-doomed!

- Yeah. I'm gonna pluck me
a few feathers.

[laughing]

- You chumps are lucky
I'm not playing,

'cause I'd whoop
all your butts!

- Sure you would,
ponytail.

[both laughing]

- Lynn.
That's a brilliant idea.

You could pretend to be me,
and play in my place.

- Yeah, right.

- Why not? There's no girls'
league around here, right?

This would give you
a chance to play,

and me a chance
to live out my full life.

- Hmm, I could use
another sport right now.

I've only got four.

- So what do you say?
Cock-a-doodle-do?

[rousing orchestral music]

♪

I can't believe
we pulled this off.

Only one more game to go.

- [sighing]
I'm gonna miss this.

- I'm not gonna miss that.

- So you thought you could
get away with this, huh?

- But I, uh--

- Not telling your family
you're a big football star!

"Crowds Love Loud."

Haven't seen that headline
since my break-dancing days.

We're so proud of you, son!

We're all gonna be
at your game tomorrow.

- All of you?

- You betcha!
And if you need some new moves

for your touchdown dance...

[scatting]

♪ I'm on fire,
on fire, on fire ♪

[scatting]

- [whistling]

- Lynn, you were just supposed
to play, not become a big star.

- Sorry, Linc.
I only know how to give %.

- Well, now we got a problem,
because I'm so good,

the whole family wants
to watch me play tomorrow.

- Don't worry, we fooled
everyone all season.

There's no reason we can't do it
for one more game.

[rousing orchestral music]

♪

- I literally
don't see Lincoln anywhere.

[screams]
- Hey, guys.

- [gasps] There's my little
football star!

- Lincoln!
Sign my hat!

- [nervous chuckle]
Saving it for the game.

- Number one, Lincoln Loud!
- That's me!

- I think we're gonna
pull this off.

Ugh.

- [babbles]
- Shh!

- [laughs]

- All right, let's b*at
these chumps.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
as a special treat,

Luna Loud will be performing
the National Anthem.

Please remove
all hats and helmets.

["The Star-Spangled Banner"
begins]

- Uh, I gotta pee.

♪

- Let's play ball, dudes!

- Loud, where are you going?

- Bathroom.
- Again?

- Hey, aren't you that twerp
from the park?

We're gonna knock you
on your tail feathers.

- [growls]

[whistle blows]

[rousing orchestral music]

- Touchdown, Roosters!

[crowd cheering]

- [scatting]

[whistle blowing]
- Tackle made by Loud.

[crowd cheering]

Ball carried by Loud.

[crowd cheering]

Touchdown, Lincoln Loud!

[crowd cheering]
- Ha.

Ow!

- Half time!

- Hey, Loud, over here.

They wanna interview you for TV.
Take off your helmet.

- I-I gotta...

- Let me guess.
Go to the bathroom.

You guys want an action sh*t
of me and my whistle?

[blowing whistle]

- That last play
was sensational.

What can you tell us about it?

- That last play?

Uh, the thing is...
that was in the past,

and I'm all about the future.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to pee.

- Guys, how about this one?

[whistle blowing]

- Set, hut, hut, hike!

[all yelling]
all: Oh!

[whistle blowing]

[both laugh]

- Back off!
Give him some air!

Mom and Dad:
Lynn?

- Who's Lynn?
I thought you were Lincoln.

- No. I'm Lincoln.

Lynn, are you okay?

- I'm fine. I think
I just sprained my ankle.

- Would somebody mind telling me
what the heck is going on?

- Yes, I'd like
to know too.

- This is all my fault, Mom.

I didn't wanna play football,
so I convinced Lynn

to play for me.

- Bogus, guys!
I mean, unacceptable!

- Take care of that ankle.
I want you on my team next year.

- Coach, get your team
on the field or you forfeit.

- I got a problem, ref.
I'm one man short.

- No, you're not.

Mom, I'm sorry I lied,
and now I'm gonna do

what you asked me to:
Get some exercise.

- We're up by one,
with a minute to go.

Just don't blow it.

- Cock-a-doodle-do, Coach!

[whistle blowing]

- You can do this,
you can do this.

- Back for more, Loud?
Bad choice.

- You can't do this.

- Set, hut, hut, hike!

- I caught it!

[both grunting]

[rousing orchestral music]

♪

Yes!
[laughs]

I don't know
what I was so afraid of.

Sports can be pretty awesome.

And it turns out,
I'm a natural.

[whistle blows]
- Yeah!

- Loud, you ran the wrong way

and scored a safety
for the other team.

We lost!

[all cheering]

- Uh-oh.
[all screaming]

[bell ringing]

A correction
to my previous statement:

I am not a natural,
but, on the plus side,

at least I'm getting
some exercise.

Ah! Charley horse.

[spooky music]