04x04 - Target Gopher/The Major's Wife/Strange Honeymoon/The Oilman Cometh

[bunniefuu]

[THEME TUNE STARTS]

♪ Love

♪ Exciting and new

♪ Come aboard

♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love

♪ Life's sweetest reward

♪ Let it flow

♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat

♪ Soon will be
making another run

♪ The Love Boat

♪ Promises
something for everyone

♪ Set a course for adventure

♪ Your mind on a new romance

♪ And love

♪ Won't hurt anymore

♪ It's an open smile

♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love

♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪

- Oh, I'm sorry, Merrill!
- Hey, what's the rush?

I just don't want to be late for the
Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders' arrival.

- Oh, yes. Well, take it easy.
- How can I?

They happen to be exactly
my favorite type of women.

Adam, is there any type of
woman that isn't your favorite?

No, not really. I guess I'm what
you call an equal opportunity lover.

I think the Cheerleaders
will be thrilled to hear that.

Oh, Merrill, I tell you,
they are really something.

I watched them at the ball game
on Sunday and they are fantastic!

- Every one!
- Fantastic, huh?

Oh, they've got some new
girls with them this year.

They are so... You
can't even... Mamma mia!

- What's keeping this elevator?
- New faces?

New everything,
Merrill. New everything!

They're going to be aboard
for several days. Why rush?

Don't you understand?
You got to play all the angles.

The first fellow that meets them
is the one they'll remember. Huh?

I can make better
time on the stairs.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Come in.

- You ready?
- In a minute.

Come on! We've got
passengers coming aboard.

Including all those
gorgeous Cheerleaders.

We're going to have to look
sensational just to keep up.

You're not concerned
about competition from them?

Oh, that's a very
sweet thing to say.

And very flattering, considering
each one of those girls is a ten.

Pretty, long legs,
gorgeous figures.

Wow, I'd better do something.
Can I borrow some lipstick?

In about three years,
yes. Now, come on.

You certainly put together
a real party, Mr. Fleers.

Oh, thank you. Say, you've gotta
think big in the oil business nowadays.

I've got of my top salesmen on
board here, of my top customers,

and the Dallas Cowboys
Cheerleaders to entertain them!

All courtesy of Mason Fleers.

- Say, this is, uh...?
- Ted.

Ted, that's right. This is
Ted. Now, he's my assistant.

- Captain Stubing.
- Doctor Bricker.

How are you?

Ted here is in charge of our
special guest, Prince Yusuf Hassan.

I'd better get on down below now,
because the girls will be arriving.

They'll want to see me.
Take care of the buttons.

Sure.

This is the theme for our
cruise party, "Cheers for Fleers."

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- "Cheers for Fleers."
- I like it!

When a company
brings me, on the house,

a bunch of the most
gorgeous girls in America,

that's big business
in its finest hour.

Hm.

Mm-hm. [CHUCKLES]

Something wrong?

Going a little heavy on
the cologne, aren't you?

- No, I just gave myself the usual dab.
- With what, a mop?

Look at this shiny braids,
shiny shoes, and shoelaces.

Hey, no special effort.
This is the way I always look.

It wouldn't have
anything to do with the fact

that the Dallas Cowboy
Cheerleaders are coming onboard?

Nope, they're all the same to
me. A passenger is a passenger.

- Hm. Oh, here they are!
- Where?

Passengers are passengers, huh?

Prince Hassan, I'd like you to
meet our Captain, Merrill Stubing.

Captain, this is Prince Hassan.

Welcome aboard, Your Highness.

We're pleased to
have you sailing with us.

Thank you, Captain. I look forward
to being on the water for a change.

Our small country is
mostly one big layer of sand.

So I understand.

Of course, under the sand
we have a nice big layer of oil.

Sounds like very
valuable real estate.

There are things of even
greater value than oil,

which is one reason I
come to your country.

[BRASS BAND PLAYS A FANFARE]

Sounds like the
Cheerleaders are here!

[BAND PLAYING A LIVELY MARCH]

[CHEERING]

Wa-hay! All right!

[BAND CONTINUES OUTSIDE]

- Um... Excuse me.
- Hi.

- The name's Latham.
- OK. Let's see.

Oh. Major and Mrs. Ross Latham,
you're on the Promenade Deck, cabin .

. Um... Somebody said the Dallas
Cheerleaders were going to be aboard.

- Is that true?
- That's right.

Well, they will be quite
something for my wife to see.

Oh, well, if there's anything we
can do to help, please let me know.

- You are most kind.
- Arigato.

- You speak Japanese?
- Sure I do!

One word!

Nara darling, why don't you go ahead
to and I'll round up the luggage?

- .
- Thank you.

- Oh, what a beautiful kimono!
- What's this"arigato"?

It's Japanese. It means thank you.
I bet they're on their honeymoon.

If they are, then the
Major's on two honeymoons.

Hm?

Hm.

- See you soon.
- OK!

- Hi. I'm Gloria Beaumont.
- [CLEARS THROAT] Hello.

You're on the Aloha Deck,
cabin . Enjoy your cruise.

Oh, I intend to. I just ran into an
old friend of mine from the Air Force.

Yes, Major Latham. I believe
he's sailing with his wife.

Oh, a wife is such a temporary
position. I should know, I used to be one.

JULIE: Hm.

- I'd say she's trouble.
- I think you have excellent instincts.

[BAND PLAYING]

[CHEERS, WHISTLES]

[BAND STOPS PLAYING]

OK, Kim Kilway, Teri Richardson,
Stephanie Scholz, and Jeanne Monfort,

Promenade .

Angelia Parnell,
Jayne Ann Maxwell...

Slow down, Julie. I
can't take shorthand.

Nancy Townes and Janet
Fulkerson, Promenade .

Annette Bilbrey, Leslie Willard, Debbie
Causey and Carrie Currie, Promenade .

OK, girls. Let's go find them.

♪ Deep in the heart of Texas...

- Hey. Miss Monfort?
- Oh, hello, Mr. Fleers.

Just call me Mason.
No formality on a cruise.

Now, I got to tell you somethin'.
I've seen all the Cowboy games.

You're the main reason I
booked these Cheerleaders.

Say, you've got better moves than
the whole Dallas backfield combined.

- Oh, Mr. Fleers!
- Mason, Mason. Get used to it.

I hope we're going to see a lot of each
other on this trip, you know what I mean?

- [SCOFFS]
- [LAUGHS]

Excuse me, I'm with the
Fleers group. Mr. Henson.

Mr. Henson, yes. Promenade
, the honeymoon suite.

That's us!

Honeymooners?

One nice thing, if you were worried
about competition for the Cheerleaders,

your odds just got better.

[HORN BLASTS]

[CONVERSATIONS INAUDIBLE]

Say, Jeanne.

I just stopped down to see if your
room's comfortable and everything.

- Oh, everything's fine, Mr. Fleers.
- Yeah, well... Oh, Mason.

I can get you your own private room,
if you think you'd be more comfortable.

- Oh, this is fine.
- Well, I'll leave the offer open.

You think about it and if
you change your mind...

OK, thanks.

Relax, Walter, everything is going
to be fine. Come on, get unpacked.

Come on.

It's Harriet's!

I must have brought one
of her suitcases by mistake.

Look, don't think about her.

I did such a terrible thing,
jilting her, and right at the church.

But I just couldn't marry her
after I found out she had that affair.

It's done, so just
forget about it.

I bet you never thought
you'd be on my honeymoon.

What about Mr. Fleers? What if he finds
out, I mean, after arranging all this?

You're new in the Chicago
office. He hardly knows you.

Hang up some of Harriet's
things, so no one gets curious, huh?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Champagne, compliments
of the Love Boat.

- Oh!
- But there's no need.

Oh, it's a regular custom
for the honeymoon sui...

Uh...

- for this cabin.
- No, thank you.

Come on, come on.
It'll do you good. Here.

- No, thank you.
- Congratulations on the flowers!

- They're compliments of Mr. Fleers.
- Same kind as in the church.

It was so beautiful, and
all our friends were there.

And then the music began...

Nerves, very jittery.

Oh, just one thing, uh... Isaac.

I'd like to ask you
a very special favor.

We're involved in kind
of an unusual set up here.

I wonder if you'd keep it quiet

that Mr. Henson doesn't actually
have a bride in the honeymoon suite?

Oh, I had one, but
it didn't work out.

I could have guessed that.

[CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

TED: Hi girls.

- Hello, there!
- Ted!

I'm so glad you talked Mr. Fleers into
bringing you along. We'll have a ball!

Well, I'm afraid it's not
going to be all fun and games.

I have to look after the prince,
which is quite a responsibility.

- I realize that, but...
- There he is.

Excuse me, huh?

[INAUDIBLE]

Ah, the Pacific! It certainly
is something, isn't it?

And to think that's
only the top of it.

Your Highness, would it be possible for
me to meet with you in your cabin later?

Not more tedious arguments for
an oil concession to your country?

No. This is strictly
pleasure. I have a gift for you.

And you hope to influence
me with blatant bribery?

- Exactly.
- Marvelous. In a half hour, then?

Great.

What a prince!

- Giving him a sales pitch?
- No, no. No high-pressure stuff.

I'm just selling him some
good old American friendliness.

- Got any free samples?
- Hello! Taking good care of the prince?

I'm giving him a gift
he's going to flip over.

It's a computer game that plays
chess. He collects chess sets.

Oh, well, maybe I'll plan a game, if
he doesn't mind playing for big stakes.

Two gallons of unleaded.

Say, I got a great idea.

How about if you present
him with the gift, huh?

I mean, it would be sort of like
a little touch of showmanship.

Besides, maybe you could ask him
if he wanted to play a game or two.

- We do have a rehearsal.
- Oh, but it'll only take a minute.

Come on, I'll get the computer.

It is so wonderful
seeing you again.

Mrs. Beaumont's ex-husband
was my roommate in flight school

a long time ago.

Remember all those characters when
the squadron was stationed at Edwards?

- [LAUGHS]
- I remember every one of them, fondly.

- Well, want to take a walk, see the ship?
- OK.

And you should have known
Ross, he was more fun of them all.

- You should have known him then, Nora.
- Nara.

Nara! Oh, of course. I'm sorry.

Will you look at her moving in?

- I'd like to choke her.
- Oh, that's a no-no, Julie.

The Captain has strict rules
against strangling passengers.

Interferes with the
seating arrangements.

That sweet little wife of
his doesn't have a chance.

How are we going to
get rid of that shark?

- Of course! He can handle her!
- Who?

- Good old Doc!
- Ah! Mr. Shark Bait.

- I'll line him up.
- You do that.

I've got a little lining
up of my own to do.

Jeanne, if that Fleers guy bothers you,
have Texie straighten him out. Really.

- But she's got so much on her mind.
- Hi, girls.

I'm Burl Smith,
Assistant Purser,

and organizer of fun
parties, large and small.

- Hi, how are you?
- Jeanne, Teri's right.

- Leave it to Texie.
- She won't mind, Jeanne, really.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

- Gopher.
- What?

I'll post the schedule for you if you're
too busy dating all the Cheerleaders.

Oh, no. I'll do it. I won't have
time for the girls, anyway.

You know me, duty first.

I know Fleers' type! He's not
going to be easy to turn off.

There you are! Yes, sir!

I've been running around like a
one-eyed dog in a beehive looking for you.

I'll have to put a bell on her,
so I can keep track of her.

I need to talk to you, honey,
if you girls will excuse us.

Sure, go ahead.

I find that I've got
room in my organization

for a bright young
girl, just like yourself,

to travel around with me to all of
my branch offices checking on things.

Kind of like a
confidential secretary.

Easy work, I think you'll
love it and I know I will.

Excuse me.

Darling!

I've been looking forward to seeing you
again. I was praying you'd be on board.

- So was I.
- I'll never forget our last cruise.

I've missed you and those
magic moments in the moonlight.

- Oh, yeah. Magic moments.
- You've never looked better.

- You get handsomer all the time!
- Oh, thank you.

Well, that's the sea air
and I eat a lot of granola.

Can I talk to you
later, Mr. Fleers?

Oh, you bet! We got
plenty of time, me and you.

We really do have
a lot to catch up on.

Why don't we start by
introducing each other?

Excuse me. My
friends are waiting.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Thank you.

Good afternoon, Your Highness.

I just came by to see if
everything is satisfactory.

Most satisfactory indeed. Mr. Fleers
decorated the cabin delightfully.

Good, good. I
understand you play chess.

- If you ever need a partner...
- I gave up chess years ago.

My game now is poker, but at the
moment, neither one is of interest.

- I came to America on a quest.
- Sounds intriguing.

What I'm looking for is a wife.

- Oh?
- I am hoping to find an American girl.

My harem is so dull
now without Fatima.

- I lost her a month ago.
- I'm very sorry.

So am I. She went very quickly,
in a poker game at the palace.

Of course, Fatima
was just a dancing girl.

The American girl I will
make one of my wives.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Ah! Good afternoon,
Your Highness, Captain.

Prince Yusuf, I have a very special
gift for you, which I hope will please you.

Prince Yusuf, this is
Miss Janet Fulkerson.

Allah be praised.

- This is an honor, Your Highness.
- I hope you don't already have one.

No, no. Similar of course,
but nothing like this.

Ted, could I have a
word with you, please?

Yeah, just a second. I also brought
along a complete set of instructions.

Instruc...? Ha! Instructions!
How typically American.

They won't be necessary. In some
areas, we are not a backward nation.

And if you like, Janet's ready
for a match anytime you say.

- You are willing?
- I must warn you, I'm only a beginner.

The best kind.

First, we must observe
the legal requirements.

Oh, not now. You see, Janet can
come back later. She has a rehearsal.

- Rehearsal?
- Practice makes perfect.

Only in America.

I almost forgot. Here's an
extra set of batteries, just in case.

Extra batteries? How
old does he think I am?

- Your Highness...
- She didn't bring much luggage.

An adding machine?

I hope she's doesn't
expect too much of me.

That's a computerized chess game.
Your Highness, there's been a slight mis...

- [PHONE RINGS]
- I'm expecting a call from my brother.

- Will you excuse me?
- Of course. I'll be on my way.

I want to have a
word with Mr. Harmes.

[PHONE CONTINUES TO RING]

- Ted!
- Oh, hi, Captain.

Well, Yusuf certainly seemed
to enjoy his gift, didn't he?

More than you know.
Now, look, Ted...

Next, I think I'll throw him a
little dinner party this evening.

I'd better find out if he likes
to go to bed early or not.

- He might tonight.
- Huh?

There's been a giant
misunderstanding.

He thinks that the gift
you gave him was Janet.

- Janet?
- For his wife!

- You'd better do something.
- Well, that's crazy.

- Where does he think he is?
- On the Love Boat.

About to start his honeymoon.

[BRASS BAND
PLAYING LIVELY MARCH]

Oo-ee! Doesn't that take
your mind off your troubles?

You think I should have gone
ahead and married Harriet, don't you?

Frankly, yes. So, she had an
earlier love affair with someone else?

So what? She didn't
even know you then.

But it makes me feel
like I'm second best.

Walter, forget it. It'll
drive you bananas.

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- ALL: Cowboys!

[CHEERING]

OK, girls, get your jackets
and let's go to our rooms.

- I'm going back to the cabin.
- Hey, look. Take it easy, huh?

I'll be right down.

- Jayne Ann, don't forget your jacket.
- Thanks, I'll see you later.

Excuse me. My jacket.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Something wrong?

- Do you believe in love at first sight?
- Not really.

How do I go about
making you a convert?

You might start by
telling me your name.

- Hud Henson.
- Jayne Ann Maxwell.

So much for the courtship.
Shall we pick out the furniture?

I'm an old-fashioned girl. I
believe in much longer courtships.

- Isn't that one of the honeymoon boys?
- Ssh.

He asked me not
to let that get around.

I wonder why he's with her?

Maybe he's collecting
one of each kind.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

- Mrs. Beaumont, have you seen her?
- She was supposed to join us for dinner.

Why don't you go on into the dining
room and I'll keep an eye out for her?

- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.

Oh, Doc, are you ready?
She's coming down the stairs.

- Oh, that's the husband stealer!
- Uh-huh. Think you can handle her?

In my hands,
she'll be Silly Putty.

Oh, hi. I'm Adam
Bricker, the ship's doctor.

Perhaps we could have a
little drink and then some dinner

and afterwards... who knows?

Or to put it another
way... who cares?

Look, Ted, you've got to tell the
prince that you weren't giving him Janet.

I know, I know. I asked him to meet
me here. I'm going to tell him now.

Here he comes.

- Good evening, Your Highness.
- Ah, Captain!

- And my very good friend, Ted.
- Ah, Your Highness.

- I asked you to meet me...
- Because you bring me my lovely Janet.

Oh, well...

I shall not forget your kindness when
my country makes the oil concessions.

- Your countrymen shall honor you.
- Well, you see...

Henceforth, all my brother princes
shall also deal favorably with you,

because you are
a man of your word.

Now, about Janet?

Jan... Janet!
She's uh... resting.

Resting? Ah, resting! Yes,
of course, all the excitement.

Well, perhaps we
should have dinner first.

- You'll dine at my table, of course.
- Thank you.

I'll join you in a moment.

Oh!

I know. I just couldn't tell him now.
I'm going to have to find a better time.

If he runs into Janet,
there could be trouble.

I'm just going to have to
keep her out of his sight

until I figure out how to tell him.
Look, it's got to be done just right,

or else a million American gas
stations are gonna turn into taco stands.

[CYMBAL CRASHES]

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

- Hi, girls.
- Hi! How are you doing?

- Hello again.
- Oh, hi.

- We'll see you at the table.
- So long, Gopher.

Excuse me, Miss, do you think that
we could pick up where we left off,

and recapture the magic moments?

I'm sorry. That was all a
mistake. I shouldn't have done it.

Mistake?

No problem.

- Uh... Where are you going?
- I thought you said it was a mistake...

I've got to learn to
control myself around you.

- You're so irresistible!
- I can dig it.

I can see that boy
smothering that girl flat.

You can let go now.

I'm Jeanne Monfort and
I owe you an explanation.

Oh, no. Listen, hey, whenever you
want to kiss me, you just help yourself.

I'll try to remain
puckered-up at all times.

You see, Mr. Fleers has
been coming on a little strong.

I figured if he thought I had an old
boyfriend on board he'd leave me alone.

Oh.

I'm sorry. Look, there's got to
be a better way to handle this.

I'll just tell Texie, our choreographer,
and she'll make him leave me alone.

You don't have to do that. I'm
always around, in this handy container.

- You don't mind?
- No problem!

I can handle unlimited amounts
of affection without breaking out.

- OK. See you later. Bye, bye.
- OK.

- Lovely girl, isn't she?
- Yes.

I suppose she's been
telling you that I...

offered her a prominent
position in my company?

- No.
- No? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but I need your help.

I need to get her alone and talk
about the deal, you know what I mean.

But it's hard when she's
being so friendly to an old friend.

- You do care about her future, don't you?
- Well, sure.

I can't tell you how happy
I am to hear about that.

And what you're doing for me,
finding yourself a new girlfriend and all,

that could have a
bearing on your future, too.

That gives you something
to think about, huh?

- Yeah, I guess it does, Mr. Fleers.
- Yeah! You just call me Mason.

All my friends do.

Mason.

I suppose you'd like
Ross to get out of flying.

Whatever he decides is fine.

I can be very happy with him
either in or out of his uniform.

I suppose out of his
uniform's more fun.

[GLORIA LAUGHING]

It's a play on words,
actually. Flyer, flier...

I'm going to have to do
something about that woman.

Tell me, how do you
manage all the Cheerleaders?

I have trouble enough
just looking after one girl.

It's not so bad.

We try to cause
trouble, but she's tough.

Say, I'll bet old Prince here
could help you out on that!

As many wives as you got, boy,
you got to be an expert on women!

My friend, I'm afraid
there is no such thing.

Madam, your job may
soon become easier.

Before long, there may be
one less for you to look out for.

Now, if you will all excuse me, I
should like to take a walk on deck.

Captain, why would I
have one less Cheerleader?

Well, uh... maybe he's hoping
that one will defect to the Oilers.

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you.

Now, if I was really the smooth type,
I'd be lighting two cigarettes for us.

Like Paul Henreid in Now,
Voyager. I just love all the old movies.

You remind me of another one.

- Love Affair.
- Oh?

Charles Boyer, Irene Dunne...

- And...?
- Maria Ouspenskaya.

I'm sorry, but when you say Ouspenskaya,
your lips just have to be kissed.

Ouspenskaya.

If only I didn't have
that ten o'clock curfew.

It's just as well. I
have to be in early, too.

Oh? Why?

Because...

Nothing, I'm just kind of tired.

Why don't we go over
there, behind the stairs?

What's going on? You keep dragging
me from one dark place to another.

Are you ashamed
to be seen with me?

Ashamed? Don't be silly!
I love being seen with you.

- Especially in dark places.
- Let's go dance.

Oh, no. It's the
prince. He can't see us!

- Why not?
- Why not?

Uh... Because he'll, uh, want
me to spend the evening with him.

Come on.

- I think this ship is just beautiful.
- I'm glad you like it.

- This is the lido deck, remember.
- Yes, the girls were dancing here.

That's right.

Captain!

- Do you know where is Ted?
- No, I'm sorry.

There had better be a
very good explanation.

- Is anything the matter?
- Only if you're an oil burner.

Come on. This way.

This is ridiculous! Just tell the
prince you want to be with me.

- He'll understand.
- Wanna bet?

You straighten things out with him
right now, or tomorrow morning I will.

Mm. Maybe with a little luck,
tonight we'll hit an iceberg.

I like it like this!
It looks pretty.

Handsome. Almost
thicker than mine. Ha!

- Oh! Come in.
- Hi, Nara.

Good morning.

Oh! What a beautiful kimono!

Thank you. Or as
you say, arigato!

I'm almost finished, see?

Yeah. Did you happen
to bring a bikini?

No, I don't own one.

I grew up in a very conservative
family, and I guess I'm still a little shy.

Oh, well, with your figure, you
have nothing to be shy about.

Why don't you give it a try?

Maybe in time.

Ah.

- Nara, may I make a suggestion?
- Yes.

Forget the sewing.

Go buy yourself a sun-suit and
get up on deck with your husband.

But the Major is
not lonely up there.

Yes, I know. That's the problem.

You see, on this cruise, not all
of the sharks are in the ocean.

- Julie, uh... about Mrs. Beaumont.
- Yes.

It would be a wonderful thing if you
could introduce her to some people.

She's had a rough time. She's
lonely, she wants some attention.

- She needs it.
- I've noticed.

Somebody she can spend some time
with. Right now, she's pretty helpless, OK?

Helpless?

- Hello, girls.
- Hi.

If you will excuse me, I've got to
go down to the cabin a moment.

No problem, take your time.

- Thank you.
- Bye, bye.

- Uh-huh?
- [ALL LAUGH]

- Isaac, have you seen Walter?
- Walter?

Oh, your friend. No, I haven't.

I can't seem to get
him out of that bed.

Maybe he's a little seasick.

No. He's lovesick.

Oh.

Well, I suppose that
would do it, too, Mr. Henson.

Henson? Henson?

- From the Chicago office, the newlywed?
- Uh... That's right, Mr. Fleers.

Say, that must be some
honeymoon you're on.

I haven't seen that little bride
since you've been on the boat.

You must have seen her,
Isaac! You took champagne.

- What does she look like?
- Tall!

Blonde.

Clean shaven. I
mean, nice complexion.

Say, since I'm paying for the honeymoon,
name that first kid after me, huh?

[FORCED LAUGHTER]

Thanks a lot, Isaac.

If Fleers ever found out my brother
was honeymooning without a bride,

- Walter would die of embarrassment.
- Oh, that's OK.

Your brother? You mean, he...?

Called off his marriage at the
last minute. See you later, Isaac.

Not Isaac. You can call me
Dumbo, or you can call me Loco!

Instead of me selling him a deal,
that cat wound up selling me one!

That was a bad deal!

It's what we call in my business
a lamb biting the butcher.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to
seeing you girls at the ball tonight.

- It's gonna be good.
- Thank you, Mr. Fleers.

Say, how do you know
that Mr. Henson over there?

Know him? Honey, I'm the
one paying for his honeymoon!

He hasn't let that little girl out of
the room since he's been on board!

You know what I mean! [LAUGHING]

His honeymoon?

- I am so sorry, honey.
- Men! They're all turkeys!

- I'll catch up with you all later.
- OK.

- Hi, old friend.
- Oh, hi, Jeanne.

I thought you were going to stay
puckered-up for me, not run away from me.

Uh... Right. Uh, well...

Something has come
up beyond my control.

Mr. Fleers, is something wrong?

Every time I turn around, that young
officer there is forcing his attentions

on that young Cheerleader.

Gopher? [LAUGHING]
You must be mistaken.

Hell, I wish I were, but I had to
speak to him twice about it already.

Oh, well, maybe I'll have a
few words with him myself.

- Though I still can't believe...
- No, no, no.

No, like you say, he's
probably a fine boy.

I'll have another talk with
him, one more should do it.

- Keeps it more unofficial that way.
- As you wish.

It's just that I got an
awful lot of work to do.

I was hoping we could go
ashore together in Mazatlán.

It's like I said, I'm busy.

OK. Forget it!

[DEEP SIGH]

- Hey, I...
- Ah!

Mr. Fleers! Mr. Fleers!

Mr. Fleers! Uh...
Mr. Fleers? I'm sorry!

Listen, somebody
get a doctor. Get Doc!

Uh... Mr. Fleers? Mr. Fleers.

GOPHER: Sir!

- What happened?
- It was a complete accident, sir.

- He's out cold.
- Sir, it's not as bad as it looks.

It's worse.

JULIE: [OVER PA] Will Dr. Bricker
please report to the Starlight deck.

- You do everything on time.
- I keep trying.

- I get the broken left-handed one.
- It hits better from the right.

Hi, honey. What are you up to?

I'm trying to teach Julie how
to write her name in Japanese.

- Without much success.
- Stick to it. It takes a while.

- I still don't know how to do it.
- Ross, you're starting to burn.

- Am I?
- Here's some lotion for you.

- I'll do it for you, Major.
- You will?

- Why not?
- Oh, golly!

[GLORIA CHUCKLES]

Don't worry. I'm just a tax-payer
protecting government property.

- All right! Come on, Slim!
- GLORIA: See you later.

[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

- Hi, Janet.
- Have you told the prince?

[SIGHS] No, not yet.
It's just not that simple.

Why not? What's going on?

OK. Are you ready?

He doesn't think I gave
him a computer chess set.

He thinks I gave
him something else.

- You mean he has another hobby?
- Mm-hm.

So, just give him the gift he's
expecting. What's the problem?

- It's you.
- I'm the problem?

No, the gift. He thinks I
gave him you, as a bride.

Me? That's crazy!

Yeah, well, he's already got
the old shoes and the rice waiting.

Tell him it was a mistake!

After which, he'll cancel
the oil deal with Fleers.

After which, Fleers will
personally throw me overboard.

Well, you can't let
it go on any longer.

- Yeah, I know.
- Ted, just tell him!

Don't run away from your problems.
Be a guy who deals with them.

- Gopher?
- Oh, Isaac. You heard. Come on in.

- Gopher hasn't gotten back?
- No.

He's still off in a meeting
with Fleers and the Captain.

- How's it look?
- It'll be all right.

The Captain knows that Gopher
would never hit a passenger.

The problem is that Fleers had reported
Gopher earlier for being troublesome.

Yeah, but we have
to think positive.

- Hi, guys.
- Well, how'd it go?

About as I expected. I'm
no longer an assistant purser.

I'm an assistant passenger.
I've been suspended from duty.

- Oh, no.
- But you didn't hit Fleers, did you?

Didn't he explain
that to the Captain?

Well, Mr. Fleers isn't
exactly sure what happened.

So, until his mind clears,
Sugar Ray Smith is out of a job.

Gopher, I'm sorry,
but I had no choice.

I had to relieve
you of your duties,

but you'll get a chance to tell your
side of it to the board in Los Angeles.

Oh, that's OK, sir. No problem.

Actually, it's kind of
fun being a passenger.

- Hello, girls.
- Hi, Captain.

- Hi, Gopher.
- Hi.

I'm terribly sorry,
Gopher. It was all my fault.

Hey, what's everybody so sorry about?
I'm finally getting a chance to cruise

in a style to which I'd like
to become accustomed.

- Maybe if we talked to the Captain?
- It was an accident.

He'd understand.

Well, you know, it's
probably a good thing.

I was really getting
in a rut in this job.

There are other big
opportunities for me out there.

- Sure, Goph.
- Well, OK. Bye, bye.

- Bye, bye.
- Bye.

You'll be able to explain
things at the hearing.

Oh, yeah. My word
against a millionaire's.

Jeanne, I don't know what
I'm going to do without this job.

- The sea is my whole life.
- Something'll turn up.

Yeah, I suppose so. I'm still young. I
can start again, find something new.

Or I can go back to running
the kiddie boat ride at Jungleland.

JULIE: [ON PA] Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Mazatlán.

We hope you enjoy your day.

Janet was absolutely right.

You can't put off telling
the prince another second.

- Yeah.
- And here's your chance.

Ah, my friend!

You have found
the beautiful Janet?

- Well...
- Marvelous.

Now the wedding can commence.

- Your Highness...
- Allah is kind.

He has seen fit to
relieve my sorrow.

As I told the Captain,

I recently lost one of
my most dearest ladies

in a no-limit poker game.

- Poker game?
- Jacks or better.

Happily, now we have a replacement.
You will arrange to bring Janet to me?

[STUBING CLEARS HIS THROAT]

It will be my pleasure.

- Why didn't you tell him?
- There's got to be a better way.

Look, you're dealing with
a very sharp poker player.

The more you bluff, the
more you're going to lose.

- Mr. Fleers?
- Yeah.

Mason, could I talk
to you for a minute?

Boy, could you? You boys mind waiting
for me down there, you know what I mean?

What happened with you and
Gopher, it was just an accident.

Well, I certainly hope so.

I'd hate to think that boy had
any violent tendencies about him.

He doesn't.

If you explained things to the
Captain, it would be a great favor to me.

Oh. Well, well.

I've got to go into town with
these salesmen right now, but...

[CHUCKLES]...maybe you and I can talk about
it tonight after dinner, before the show?

- Well...
- Say, I'd like to do you a favor.

That's what makes the
world go around, isn't it?

Folks going around
doing favors for each other.

You know what I mean.

JULIE: [OVER PA]
Attention all passengers.

We will be departing
Mazatlán in one half hour.

[LAUGHTER]

I love your hat. I think
it's great. Bye, bye.

Any new passengers get on
board in Mazatlán for the trip back?

Oh, just a few, but
we're about ready to sail.

Well, maybe I could
help you, or something.

Gee, Goph, I really don't
think that's such a good idea.

Well, it's just a
thought, you know.

Actually, I'm so busy catching up
on the lounging and the relaxation...

- Yeah!
- Great life.

Mm-hm.

- See you.
- Mm-hm.

She won't even talk to you?

No.

She's probably
found someone else.

Someone who's loaded.

- Maybe even that Fleers character!
- You don't know that.

No, you had the right
idea about women.

You learned with Harriet.
I'm learning with Jayne Ann.

Hi, excuse me, I'm Harriet Bryce. I
booked a passage back to Los Angeles.

Yes, of course, Miss Bryce. You're
on the Promenade Deck, cabin .

- Go through those doors and to the left.
- Ah.

Is my cabin as good
as the honeymoon suite?

That's where my fiancé
is, with his best man,

and, well, I intend on traveling
in the same style as he is.

Bye, bye.

Julie, is there anything
going on tonight?

Oh, yes, at midnight there's the
big show with the Cheerleaders.

And before that, there's
a dance. Do you disco?

Well, I've watched on TV, but...

Oh, I could teach
you in ten minutes.

Thank you, but I'm not sure I'd be
comfortable doing it in public just yet.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

- Guess what.
- What?

That dress, I think it would
look marvelous on you.

- You really think so?
- Yes, I really do.

- There you are!
- Gloria.

- Yes?
- Your expertise is wanted.

I'm trying to convince Nara that she
would look wonderful in that dress.

Oh, no, Ross, it wouldn't do at all.
Men don't understand things like that.

Gloria, I like the dress.

But, darling, it takes a
fuller figure to carry that off.

- Are you sure about that?
- Trust me.

Nara is far too exquisite to
wear such trendy fashions.

Thanks.

- Well, so much for that great idea.
- Are you going to the party?

- Um...
- Well, Nara does dance, doesn't she?

- Well, actually...
- She could go to the movies, then.

Well... let's try the party, OK?

I'll get my shawl
from the cabin.

Take your time.
We'll see you there.

You certainly will.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Ah, good evening.
- That depends.

Oh, nice, very beautiful.

Really beautiful. Your Highness, I am
so pleased that you approve of Janet.

- She's got every possible quality.
- Including invisibility?

There's only one
thing I could think of

that would be even
better than having a

girl like Janet as a
part of your entourage.

Yes, and what might that be?

Having two.

Or three.

Or more.

How could such a
dream be possible?

Well, you do play
poker, don't you?

And you intend to
use these as chips.

If you will forgive me, how do I know
that you can arrange such a thing,

that the young ladies
would be willing?

Oh, Your Highness!

You don't seem to realize
what a romantic figure you are.

And besides, what girl wouldn't
want to be a real princess?

I don't know, I already
have the lovely Janet.

Why should I take a
chance of losing her?

Care to cut them?

Julie McCoy, please.

Julie? This is Nara. Could you
come up to my room right away?

Thank you.

Agh!

So, the only way to get Gopher
re-hired is to organize against Fleers.

But he seems like a nice man.

I'm sure he's a nice guy,
he's just hooked on power.

So let's show him we have
some power, too. Are you with me?

- Count me in.
- I'm for it.

- Me too.
- I'm sold.

- Right on!
- I say go!

[CHEERING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

Hi, Nara. You called?

- Well, what are you doing?
- A little remodeling.

- My wardrobe and me.
- Oh?

- You said you could teach me to disco.
- You want to learn!

Oh, sure! I could teach
you to disco, no problem.

Just a sec!

- [DISCO TRACK BEGINS]
- OK, well, let's see.

The secret's all in your
hips, you just swivel your hips.

- Like this?
- Yeah. Well, that's the general idea.

But you're letting your motor stall.
You got to really keep it in gear.

Here.

- Like this?
- That's better!

It's a lot like the hula.

Just pretend you've got a
crop of grass on your left hip

and a crop of grass on your right
hip and then you just rotate the crops.

Rotate the crops, like this?

Yeah! Looks like we're going
to have a heck of a harvest!

Now, follow me, OK?

Keep doing this. Step,
step, step-step-step.

Step, step, step-step-step.

Now have fun
with it. Disco! Yeah!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

One, two, a one, two, three.

I'm sure you're gonna have
a good time. I'll see you there.

- Hi.
- Gopher.

- How's it going?
- Julie, I've got to get my job back.

- I'm going...
- Oh.

I was going to throw myself
overboard but the tux isn't paid for.

- You can't think like that.
- Right. Right.

I could put my head in an oven, but
I'm not allowed in the kitchen anymore.

- You're gonna get your job back.
- Julie, how?

- It's gonna take a miracle.
- [PHONE RINGS]

Purser's desk.
Yes, this is Julie.

Oh, hi, Jeanne.

You're what?

Oh, yes!

Well, I sure hope it works
out. Yeah. Good luck.

Gopher, I think you're
about to get your miracle.

Hmm?

The Cheerleaders are going to
force Fleers to get your job back.

Julie, come on, they
can't pressure Fleers.

They work for him. They're
doing a show for him.

Well, that's just it. There
isn't going to be any show.

They're all about to
become very, very ill.

What's wrong?

Nothing yet, but I'm sure they'll have
something by the time Fleers gets there.

- Julie, that's blackmail.
- Mm-hm. Isn't it wonderful?

- Harriet?
- Hud!

- Hey!
- Oh, hey!

- How did you get here?
- I came aboard at Mazatlán.

I had been promised a cruise,
you know, so I decided to take it.

- Hey, this is great!
- Yeah!

Look, I know Walt's over
this crazy jealousy of his.

- Come on, let me take you to him.
- All right!

Walter, we have a visitor.

I thought you said
he never left the cabin.

Well, I'm sure
he'll be right back.

You see, Hud was just protecting
me from my embarrassment.

You're the only
girl in his life.

It's so sweet of you
to help out like this.

- Ah!
- Harriet!

Hud!

Wait a minute, that's
not his girl. It's mine.

- What are you doing here with him?
- What are you doing here with her?

Answer him first. What
are you doing here with her?

Nothing. I just brought her
down to prove Hud's not married.

- Neither are you!
- All right, hold it.

Come on, you two.
Get your act together.

And why don't you and I
step outside and do the same?

- I was such a dummy.
- You're absolutely right.

Don't be so agreeable! What
was wrong with your brother?

He can't hack it that Harriet
had an affair before they met.

Hey!

Maybe we can help him out!

Hm.

I'm not here to beg, but Hud said
maybe you had come to your senses.

- Gee, Harriet...
- Oh, excuse me!

- I'm looking for my book.
- What happened to Jayne Ann?

I told her we'd better cool it.

But she's crazy about you. I
could tell that when she came down.

Oh, there it is.

What, have you gone bananas?

You're going to read a book when
there's stars and a moon out there,

and a great girl
that you care for?

I really shouldn't get involved with
her. She's had other boyfriends before.

What do you expect?
She's an attractive girl.

What difference does it make,
anyway? That's all in the past.

Can you believe what
this turkey's saying?

The question is, do you?

Excuse me, she's waiting.

I've been had.

Forgive me?

Neither of us need to be
forgiven, just understood.

Openers bet two.
Yassim and Miriam.

I shall not lose you,
my little darlings.

OK, I'll see your
two with Carrie...

Kim, and bump you with Annette.

- How many more?
- Give me three.

Now, what do you mean there's
not going to be a show tonight?

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Fleers. There
seems to be a bug going around.

A bug? Happened all
of a sudden, didn't it?

- We feel so terrible, Mr. Fleers.
- After you promised all your customers.

And the prince will be
awfully disappointed.

Hm. You know, I... [CHUCKLES]

I was thinking about talking
to the Captain tomorrow

- about that fella, Gopher.
- That's real nice, of you, Mr. Fleers.

Sure is. Our colds ought to
be better by tomorrow, too.

- The show's tonight though, isn't it?
- Yes, it is, it is.

Maybe I'll go up there
and talk to the Captain now

and have Gopher bring
you girls down some aspirin?

That'd be real nice.

Especially if he were back in
uniform, you know what I mean?

Oh, yes! I know what you mean.

We'd like to do a favor
for you, Mr. Fleers.

That's what makes the world go around,
everyone doing favors for each other.

[LAUGHING] You're
so fierce, you girls!

You got to promise me one thing.

Say, you can't ever let the world
know how you beat old Mason Fleers

at his own game
and with his own bat!

Hey! Good one!

But you got a deal!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Well, it looks like
winner takes all.

Including the lovely
Janet. What do you have?

Queens over s, full house.

I'm afraid...

you win.

I win!

Thank you. Thank
you very much, Prince.

Allow me to return
your three wives to you.

- You are most gracious.
- As are you.

So, Captain, you have witnessed
my loss of the lovely Janet.

Your Highness, will you allow
me to take a look at your cards?

Why, may I ask?

Just curious to see how badly you
were beaten, or if you were beaten at all.

Captain, you have the
instincts of a desert warrior.

Be my guest.

Four aces.

Why?

Once my blood had cooled over
the thought of the lovely Janet,

I realized I was in
Western civilization,

and that the young man could
not deliver what he had promised.

Why didn't you call him on it?

My ancestors would shudder
over such a simple solution.

No! One can only judge a
man when he is under pressure.

His solution was ingenious.
He is a gambler, I like that.

Remember, if he lost, he would be
ruined. What he did took courage.

Hm. Or insanity.

Sometimes, are they
not both the same thing?

[DISCO MUSIC BLARING]

Well, she'll be here. She
just went to get her shawl.

Oh, she's probably
overwhelmed, poor little thing.

Sometimes, they never adjust.

She's closing fast.

Now, look, if the Major and his
wife have a meaningful relationship,

no ex-girlfriend, no matter how clever
or sexy, could make a dent in them.

- Do you really believe that?
- No.

My God! She's a perfect ten!

I clock her as a .!

Gentlemen, this lady is
looking for a dancing partner.

Excuse me, Captain. You'll
just have to take a number.

That's my wife!

I wonder where she
learned to dance like that.

I don't know, but I bet she
had a heck of a teacher.

And that's some little
shawl she put together.

She must be kidding!

- Excuse me, Captain.
- Yes.

Lovely evening, isn't it?

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- Thank you.

[SLOW TRACK BEGINS]

You are full of surprises.

I wish I had words to tell you
what it means to see you like this.

I am so ashamed,
to be so conspicuous.

I never should have
displayed myself like this.

Nara, there is nothing
wrong with that.

They loved it. I loved it.

Then what you love is a sham.

[VOICE BREAKING] I am not this.

Inside, I am still me.

All I want you
to be is yourself.

Always, nobody else.

But if you're going to be a wild
and crazy kinda girl from time to time,

I will love her, too, I promise.

You know, this
dress is kind of pretty.

Oh, you noticed?

And the dancing was... was fun.

- Perhaps before long...
- Ssh.

- [FANFARE]
- STUBING: Ladies and gentlemen!

Through the courtesy
of Mason Fleers...

the Love Boat proudly presents
the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders!

[BAND PLAYS "NO MORE
TEARS (ENOUGH IS ENOUGH)"]

[INAUDIBLE]

[APPLAUSE]

Hey! Hey!

[MUSIC STOPS]

[BAND STRIKES UP AGAIN]

[CHEERING]

[WHISTLES]

Bravo!

[MUSIC STOPS]

What a shame we
didn't meet until last night.

Say, maybe you ought to think
about coming down to Dallas.

I could use a bright young girl like you
in the business. You know what I mean?

[LAUGHING] Sure I do!

Where have I heard that?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] I
might get down to Dallas myself.

- You think you could?
- Sure!

You know how close
the Captain and I are.

Next time we go down to Acapulco, I
might have him detour through Texas.

- Bye.
- [SOUTHERN ACCENT] Bye!

We'll have to go cruising
with you again, Isaac.

And who knows, next time there might
even be a bride in the honeymoon suite.

That'd make a nice change.

- So long.
- Bye, bye.

Bye, bye.

- Isaac!
- Hey!

- Listen, I hope you enjoyed the cruise.
- It was wonderful! It was so exciting!

And last night was terrific.

- It was just spectacular.
- Yeah, those Cheerleaders were great.

Cheerleaders? I'm
talking about Walter.

Walter, Walter, all right!

- Thanks a lot.
- Thank you.

- OK. Bye, bye.
- See you, Isaac.

Gee it was sure great
meeting you, Mrs. Latham.

I hope that both of you can come
and visit us when we get settled.

My wife is, among many
other things, a fantastic cook.

Oh, that sounds great.
I love Japanese food.

Don't be too surprised if you
get hotdogs and French fries.

- Goodbye.
- Sayonara.

Sayonara!

"Sayonara!" You
doubled your vocabulary!

Well, it certainly was a memorable
cruise, Your Highness, but...

some things just don't add up.

Why should all things add up?

Please accept this gift for you
and your friend, the gambler.

But Ted doesn't gamble.

I see.

Well, someday, you must tell Janet how
close she came to being a desert bride.

They're keys, car keys!

With best wishes from me...

and your other good friends,
whom I let in on this secret.

[SQUEALS, CHATTER]

[EXCITED CHATTER]

Bye!

- Bye!
- See ya!

Bye!

Wait for me!