02x09 - You Ought to Be in Prison

[bunniefuu]

Did you see the concert?

Yeah.
Didn't you go?

No, I missed it.

He was so good.

He was wearing these
purple spandex pants.

He looked so good.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

: ?

Yeah, sure, johnny.

: Will be fine.

You'll pick me up?

Yeah, I'll pick you up.

Like hell
you will, pal.

Something I can do
for you, gentlemen?

Yeah, johnny.

You can go back
to new jersey.

Actually, I kind of like
the scenery here.

Well, we don't
like you, hotshot.

Derek,
go back
to class.

Yeah, why don't you
listen to your sister?

She's a very smart lady.

Oh, yeah?

Good come-back, derek.

Derek.

Derek!

Man:
cut!

Print!

Hey, hey, cut!

I'm impressed.

He gets $ million for that?

That's the rumor.

I don't get it.

Anybody can do that.

Jeremy!

Break it up!

Come on, guys.

What's the matter
with you, man?

You hit like a girl--

That's what's
the matter.

You and the horse
you rode in on, pal.

He's out of here.

Jeremy, it's
the first day.

Do it.

Wrap it up,
jerry.

That's it.

You guys
are my bodyguards?

Yeah, I'm
tommy littlefield.

This is doug simon.

Rent-a-cops.

You guys like doing
that kind of work?

Pays the bills.

Yeah, at least you ain't
real cops.

I hate cops.

They're all fat and stupid.

Fat and stupid?

Yeah, fat and stupid.

We blow at : .

Get me to the hotel

Without a hundred kids
in my hair

And I'll buy you dinner.

Charming guy.

Yeah, this is going to be
a lot of laughs.

[Captioning made possible by
fx networks]

♪ We never thought of finding ♪

♪ The place where we belong ♪

♪ Don't have to stand alone ♪

♪ We'll never let you fall ♪

♪ Don't need permission ♪

♪ To decide what you believe ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ I said jump! ♪

♪ Down on jump street ♪

♪ I said jump! ♪

♪ Down on jump street ♪

♪ Your friends will be there ♪

♪When your back is
to the wall ♪

♪ You'll find you need us ♪

♪'Cause there's no one else
to call ♪

♪ When it looks hopeless ♪

♪ A decision's what you need ♪

♪ You better be ready to ♪

♪ Be ready to ♪

♪ Jump! ♪

♪ Jump street! ♪

Penhall:
what a load of crap.

This is a bogus
assignment.

Baby-sitting this...

Creep.

That's just the word
I was looking for.

Jeremy woods has received
threatening letters.

Where do I send mine?

Movie stars get crank mail
all the time.

I just don't want
any part of him.

Yeah, he's a bit of a...

Dink.

Thanks, that's the word.

Why does the city want to spend

The public's hard-earned cash
baby-sitting a hollywood flake?

This comes
from the mayor's office

Through the chief.

These film companies
are important.

They spend millions of dollars

On our city's
restaurants

Hotels, and services.

The movie they're making
costs $ million.

I saw it on the news
last night.

The whole movie
business is bull--

A bunch of overpaid people
standing around doing nothing.

Would you rather
clear bums off the street

For the pope's visit?

We'll stick with the dink.

Keep in mind

Jeremy woods has a penchant
for getting into trouble.

Last year
he busted up
a maitre d'

And got charged with as*ault.

He drove his ferrari
into the beverly hills hotel

Swimming pool

To see if the lights
worked underwater.

Did they?

I don't know.

So, tell me about him.

How does he look up close?

Nobody really has

Cheekbones
like that.

Did you even meet him?

He's coming by for lunch.

Morning, captain.

So what's the movie about?

It's junk, jude.

Look at it-- streetwise.

The story of a tough kid
from jersey

Wreaking havoc
on a nice suburban school.

Sounds pretty good.

He beats guys up
and chicks fall at his feet.

Sounds pretty good.

You don't like movies

Unless some fool's
blowing away cretins

From outer space
with a flame-thrower.

Got you there, doug.

I got to believe
what I'm seeing.

I believe
jeremy woods

Is totally fine-- he's hot.

I'd let him eat
crackers in my bed.

Why didn't I get
this assignment?

That is why.

( Door buzzes )

You got an all-points
out for me, teddy?

Nah, not me.

I heard you were out of rocks.

No more inventory.

Kind of puts you
out of business.

That's a shame.

Only a temporary setback.

I could help you out...

If you're willing to pay retail.

Sorry, waxer, I couldn't sell
that bunk you call rock.

My customers hate running
to the can all the time.

Hey, get those cooks out.

I'm sorry, man.

My nerves are
kind of bad right now.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you stick
with your customers...

And I'll deal with the ones
who can read and write.

You got a real good sense
of humor

For one of the stupidest
gray boys I've ever met.

Haven't you
had enough, waxer?

No, but he has.

What are you looking for?

Maybe I can help you
locate it.

Not enough to be scum.

You're scum
with a big mouth.

I'm not scum.

I'm a victim
of my environment.

Just ask
the social worker.

She told me yesterday.

Who you kidding?

Your neighborhood's better
than where I live now.

He's pretty bad.

Get him
to the dispensary.

This will cost you
extra time, mister.

I got witnesses that
will swear he started it.

( Inmates cheer support )

I know, you were just
enjoying your lunch.

If you're looking
to change neighborhoods

Perhaps I could
arrange some financing.

( Inmates jeering )

( Fans screaming )

You were in the
movie yesterday

And we were wondering
if you would sign this.

Sorry.

( Fans screaming )

Have them bring
the limo around.

What a mook.

If I k*lled him

Is there a jury that
would convict me?

Only if they were sitting
in the box.

Girl:
excuse me.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, I saw you talking
to jeremy before

And I was wondering

If you could give
this to him for me.

I'm sorry, miss.

I can't accept that
on his behalf.

Please, I've really come
a really, really long way.

Please.

I'm sorry.

Hey, where the hell
is the limo?

It's all clear, your majesty.

Thanks for the ride,
jeremy.

My pleasure.

Can I ask
a question?

What's
the big deal

About signing
an autograph or two?

There's no such thing
as an autograph or two.

I sign those--

In ten minutes kids
will be all over me.

Come on, guys,
cocktail hour.

I could go
have a drink with him

Or I could go
do my laundry.

How many quarters
you got?

Exactly.

You sure you don't want
to have some dinner?

I've got a : call.

I should get
some sleep.

Okay.

Jeremy, jeremy...

( Breaking glass )

Don't do it.

You can't do that.

You think I got a right
to smash this camera?

Everything
okay here?

Yeah.

Next time, I'll feed you
the lens, I promise.

Good night,
jeremy.

Try and stay
out of trouble.

You okay?

I'm fine. Jeremy and I
are old friends.

I hate this dweeb.

You must spend a fortune
in smashed cameras.

He has the right
to photograph me

At a public
gathering.

Since I live
in this hotel

He has no right
to inv*de my privacy.

Is that legal?

He sells that picture
to some rag.

Next thing--

It's a "secret affair"
with melissa mason.

I wouldn't mind doing the babe

But my girl might object.

Women...

You can't live with them.

You can't sh**t them.

Funny line.

Steven wright, huh?

So I'm a thief.

See what this business
does to you?

Nice.

Make yourselves
at home.

This place must cost
$ a night.

Try $ , .

Oh, please, mr. Woods,
give me your autograph.

I'll let you do anything
you want to me.

Very funny, jody.

Just trying to make you feel
at home, jeremy.

Switching
to boys?

That will make a good story.

Jody kleinman, this is
littlefield and... Somebody.

Simon.

Right.

Jody's my agent.

Nice to meet you.

Put on
something decent.

Charity benefit at : .

Pass.

You can't pass,
jeremy.

It's a very good cause.

You're already committed

And it's part
of your probation.

Are you my date?

Don't get excited.

What would
your girlfriend say?

Thank you
very much.

We won't need you
anymore tonight.

Jeremy is
on his best behavior

When he's with me.

You got a leash?

Ooh, I like
this guy.

Are you an actor?

No, thanks.

That's too bad.

You're very cute.

(Gulps)

Acting, what a way
to make a living.

Couldn't pay me enough
to do that crap.

Yeah.

You think she'd
go out with me?

Who?

That lady, jody kleinman

Too much car for you, man.

...so I told the boy
to stay out of my face.

Are you listening to me?

There will be a test
on this stuff later.

( Door buzzes open )

You want to see me?

Yeah, I want to see you.

Sit down.

You're leaving
baintree, waxer.

We're sending you down
to the central jail.

You can't do that.

I'm under .

We can do whatever we like.

You're
transferring me

To a maximum security
adult lockup

For getting into a fight?

We're transferring you
because you're being charged

With second-degree m*rder.

Teddy baker d*ed last night.

Tough break.

For you.

See that's special
circumstances.

And you're almost .

That means you get a new home
with the big boys.

I'm worried. Can you tell?

I think you are.

You'll do some hard time.

You're in for
some real fun.

You really enjoy your job,
don't you, jackson?

Some days are more satisfying
than others.

Enjoy the ride over,
waxer.

Once you're there

You'll be bunking two
to a cell.

( Stiffly: )
you got some i.d., Punk?

Cut.

He's terrible.

What is he--

Your relative
or something?

Just relax.

We'll get the line
from him.

Go sit on
the motorcycle.

You look terrific.

Okay, gentleman
playing the officer--

Relax, take it easy.

You're the law.

Look him right
in the eye.

Say the line.

You hate him.

Okay, let's go again.

Assistant:
settle and roll.

Baker,
take .
Marker.

And... Action.

( Hesitant: )
you got some
i.d., Punk?

Cut.

Let's do one more.

Quiet!

Assistant:
settle and roll.

Baker, take .
Marker!

All right, concentrate.

Action.

You got some i.d.,
Punk?

Cut.

Come here.

Yeah,
you, simon!

Come here!

Do this line.

Go ahead, do it.

Do what?

Do this line!

He's perfect--
looks like a cop.

Looks like a cop.

I'm not an actor.

Neither is he.

Don't try and act;
just say the line.

Don't even try and act.

You got some i.d., Punk?

Say it again
with attitude.

Say it to me--

Like you
really hate me.

You got some i.d., Punk?

He's great.

I'm in heaven.

No, I told you,
I'm not an actor.

Hey, you get $ .

You got some i.d., Punk?

Hey.

Director:
cut! Print!

Don't k*ll the star.

Okay, folks,
we're in the wrong place.

Let's get moving...

Penhall:
so then everyone is
wathcing, camera's rolling

I'm standing
across from him--

I give him the line.

What was it?

"Got some i.d., Punk?"

Said the line like that?

Not like that.

I was acting--
I said it like I meant it.

I was pretty good, too.

I got some applause.

Because they wanted to go home.

The makeup lady said
I was a natural.

I think I know why.

I got this theory--
want to hear it?

No.

See...

I think we're all actors--
I mean all of us.

No, listen.

We go undercover
all the time.

What's that?

That's playing
a character.

What's that?

That's acting.

Sometimes we're
the mcquaids;

Sometimes
we're preppies.

Sometimes we're ego maniacs.

Hoffs:
not exactly
the same

As being in the movies.

Being in the movies is easier.

Sometimes we've got g*ns
in our faces.

All they've got
is cameras in theirs.

What about the movie business
being bull?

"Just a lot of overpaid people
standing around all day."

That's behind the camera.

It's different
when you're an actor.

So now you're an actor--
a thespian.

You're just jealous
because they didn't ask you.

You're right.

My big sh*t--

Maybe I could have
let them goober over me.

All I said was
I was pretty good.

So what's he like?

He's kind of gruff,
but he's a star

So people bother him
all the time.

Hmm.

Here you go.

All right, sal--
thanks a lot!

Don't worry
about it.

This is a picture
of jeremy woods

With his shirt off?

That's jeremy woods
in his first movie--

Blood on the beach.

It is!

I didn't know he was
in blood on the beach.

Not a lot of people do.

He was, what,
years old?

Just starting out.

I'm an expert in that genre.

Was he good?

Great-- chopped up
by a psychotic lifeguard.

I remember that.

That was him?

Victim number four.

Penhall:
you didn't
even know

It was jeremy woods.

He was undercover.

He was acting.

I rest my case.

Hey! I'm walking here.

Tyrell:
why don't you save it,
montgomery?

This is my last chance

To tell you
how I feel about you.

See, I think
you're a waste.

Who cares
what you think?

You tried to k*ll
some kid with a speed ball

Slug it out
with an undercover cop

Then you get
sent to baintree.

What are you, my biographer?

You wind up
k*lling some poor slob

Over some fictitious territory.

I've heard this before.

Why don't you listen?

Kiss my...

Hey, keep it down

Back there!

( Honking horns )

( Woman gasps )

Just be cool, lady.

Yeah, you--
what you did sucks!

You listening?

Give me a break.

I'll give you a break!

What the hell
is the matter?

Excuse me.

I must ask you not
to use that footage.

Sorry, I can't do that.

Look, jeremy just
got hot-headed.

It happened

We saw it, and we
had permission to be here.

I want that tape.

Maybe we can
make a deal here.

Absolutely not.

News anchorman:
police are seeking an escapee

From baintree juvenile prison.

Tyrell thompson, accused in
the m*rder of a fellow inmate

Was being transported
to central jail

When he apparently
overpowered two officers

And made his escape.

One officer, vincent montgomery,
d*ed this afternoon...

They'll be all over
looking for you.

We'll be back with entertainment
reporter laurel peterson

Who spent a interesting day
on a movie set.

He dies in an accident
and they're blaming me.

That gray boy picks
a fight with me.

I'm protecting
my territory.

I hit him
and he croaks.

They charge me
with m*rder.

Idiot driver runs
his bus into a ditch

He's history,
and who's to blame?

Tyrell thompson.

They're going
to charge me again.

Peterson:
hollywood bad boy jeremy woods
was at it again today

On the set of streetwise...

I'm screwed.

...his new movie
filming in town.

Nightside entertainment crew
was on hand

As the actor and director
went at it

In what can only be described

As an old-fashioned
hollywood donnybrook.

Bodyguards had
to restrain the two

As filming was suspended
for the rest of the day.

Bodyguards?

That's that cop, hanson!

Hoffs:
boy, harry,
these messages for hanson

Are really stacking up.

Anything
important?

Let's see,
let's see here...

The cleaners called.

Mm-hmm.

He's got something there
for over a month.

His mother called.

And here's a message
from payroll.

Payroll?

Now that sounds like
it could be important.

I think we should get this
to hanson right away.

Right away.

You want to drive?

Sure.

You know where
they're sh**ting?

I got it
off hanson's report.

Who let you...

Come on, miss,
out of the trailer.

Johnny...

We need to talk.

Johnny?

What's your name?

It's me, annie.

Why haven't you
written me back?

Um...

I've been real busy
with filming and all.

What do you want, annie?

You know all your movies?

I know they're about me.

About when we were
in high school and stuff.

I just came all this way
to say thank you.

I appreciate that.

Why don't we go for a ride?

No, let's stay in tonight.

We could go to that place
we always go.

Remember?

The cabin
by the duck pond?

From summer dreams.

We can take a limo.

Yes, jason.

Bye.

To the hospital.

Get an a.d.
To go with you.

Paranoid delusions.

She thinks we're
stealing her life

And making it
into movies.

She's been writing me
letters for months.

How did she
get in there?

That's your job
to know, pal.

Where the hell
were you guys anyway?

I got people wandering
in and out of my trailer--

What am I paying you for?

What the...

Sorry, pal.

This is one employee
you can't push around.

What do you think
you're doing?

I'm trying to keep
the garbage off the set.

We're police officers

Assigned to keep you
out of trouble.

You guys are cops
pretending to be bodyguards?

Penhall:
mayor's orders.

They wanted to make sure
you didn't break anything.

You guys are
pretty good actors.

Look, what I said
about cops--

I'm sorry.

No, you're not.

Excuse me?

You're not sorry.

You walk on people

Then you think apologizing

Makes it okay.

Can we take the cuffs off
and talk?

You don't owe us
an explanation.

Half the stuff they say about me
I didn't even do.

The other half
I wish I hadn't done.

Very clever.

I work hard, I catch a break
and I wind up a star-- luck.

What do they say?

"Don't wish too hard
for what you want--

You may get it"?

You guys want
something to drink?

Soda.

Me too, please.

There's something
you don't realize

When you dream
about being noticed.

That once you are,
you're never alone again.

I don't know why
I'm telling you all this.

But what the heck--

Why not tell you
why I'm such a creep.

We're listening.

They were going
through my fan mail

A month ago.

There was tons of it
piling up for months.

Turns out there were
two letters from kids

Getting ready to die.

Let me ask you something.

You know when you drove
that ferrari into the pool?

The lights work?

It's the movies, man--
the lights always work.

( Knocking )

What? What?

What?

We're looking for
tommy littlefield.

Who?

I don't know who
let you in here

But why don't you
just turn around...

They're okay.

What are you guys
doing here?

We thought you might
need these messages.

Friends of yours?

H.t. Ioki,
judy hoffs...

Jeremy woods.

Hi.

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

I love your movies.

Thanks.

I'm sorry I yelled.

You want to stay

And watch
the sh**ting?

We'd love to.

That would be cool.

I'll catch a nap.

See you on the set.

Okay.

He's so nice.

I just walk through,
that's all?

Yeah, just walk
down this way

Like you're going
to your locker.

This is
so exciting!

Yeah, thrill a minute.

All right,
ladies and gentlemen...

( Yelling out stage directions)

Quiet!

All right...

And roll!

Apple, take .
Marker!

Background action!

Action!

Director:
cut!

Print!
Moving on!

I need jeremy...

You were great!

We better call fuller.

I think I just saw
somebody we know.

Forget it, man.

There's too many
people around.

I won't do him here.

I don't want
any part of this.

Then get on then.

( Knocking )

Come in!

They're looking for you.

Let them wait.

Officer hanson...

Remember me?

Tyrell thompson.

Very good.

Uh-uh.

Jeremy:
all right,
hanson--

That was very funny.

I got to get back
to my script.

Excuse me, but did I say
you could speak?

This isn't a joke,
mr. Movie star.

This is for real.

Come on, hanson.

You're coming with me.

You, too,
pretty boy.

Leave him out of this.

That sounds like
a line in a movie.

I'll go wherever
you want--

Just leave
him alone.

Thompson:
come on, hanson--

I never met a real
movie star before.

Apple, take one. Marker.

Background...

And action!

The guy walked
right by me.

That's him
right there.

Penhall:
freeze that.

That's waxer thompson,
all right.

Who is this guy?

He's the man
who's got your star.

Penhall:
he was hanson's
first case.

Put the guy away.

You guys did a hell of a job
protecting my client.

He's got somebody

We like too,
lady.

What's he doing out?

He k*lled a guard.

All right--

I want current addresses
on everyone he knows.

I already know who he knows.

Hey, ray.

How you doing?

I didn't do nothing!

Where is waxer?

I don't know who
you're talking about.

I was hoping
you'd say that.

Does that jog
your memory?

I don't know
where he is.

If my partner dies

I swear I will
hunt you down

And I will cut
something off.

( Train whistle )

What are we
going to do?

What did you do
in your last movie?

It looked pretty simple
when I saw it.

( Toilet flushing )

Now, where were we?

Oh yeah, fast lane, that was it.

That was the one I saw.

You b*ating up
all those bad guys

Up there
on the screen.

Must have been...
What, ten of them?

You might be the toughest guy
I ever met.

What do you think, hanson?

I think
you're probably

The toughest guy
he ever met, tyrell.

( Chuckling )

That's a good answer.

Yeah, big tough guy
on the screen.

Big tough undercover man.

What do you want?

I want a little revenge.

It sounds like you
want to go away again.

You're going to love this.

This is where
the cop tells me

Not to throw my life away

That I can be
rehabilitated--

Learn a trade.

Isn't that right,
officer hanson?

You're still
a juvenile.

Not according to the court.

They got me
for two special circumstances.

Both guys are dead.

That means
I got nothing to lose.

( Television playing faintly)

Yeah, I guess
I blew it somewhere.

Maybe I can start over.

Maybe I can become
a movie star.

You'll give me
a part, won't you?

Won't you?

Yeah.

A big part?

Maybe a leading part?

Could I get
a leading part?

Sure.

I want to play
a good guy, though--

You know, and get
the girl and all.

I don't think I'm right
for a bad guy.

What do you think, jer?

I think you should let me go.

Whoa, now that's not
the right line for a hero.

You're supposed to say--

"I think you should let usgo."

Go ahead.

Try it.

Let me hear how that sounds.

Come on!

I think you should let us go.

Okay. It's time to go.

Who wants to go first?

Do you want to go?

Or watch him go?

Why not back off him?

Why?

He's going to die anyway.

( Tyrell laughs )

Just know
he got you into this.

Yeah, and he
got me into this...

And then got
you into this.

Looks like the movie star's
going to leave this world

The way he came into it--

Crying.

We did it!

What part did
jeremy play?

He was there all the way.

I don't think I'd have
done it without him.

Is this life
imitating art?

Yeah, sure.

Jeremy was instrumental
in subduing the suspect.

What the heck.

It was
no big deal.

Actually, I think it was
all officer hanson's doing.

I'm just an actor;
he deserves all the credit.

We told you, no pictures
of the undercover officer.

I got to go.

Thanks, man.

Will you make
a picture from this?

I really don't know.

It's been
a traumatic thing.

I just want to go home
and take it easy.

It's not every day
I almost get k*lled.

Got a picture
with your shirt off, hanson?

Very funny.

That's not how
it went down.

So what?

Why did you make him
such a hero?

He promised me a part
in his next movie.

Excuse me.

I'd just like to thank you
for all your help.

We're just doing
our jobs, ma'am.

Thank you,
sergeant friday.

Well, you do it very well.

If you're ever in l.a...

I'd like to thank you
personally.

Excuse me, guys.

I have to go phone
the airlines.