April Fool's Day (2008)

[bunniefuu]

It has to be perfect.

That flower arrangement does not
go there. Put it in the foyer!

Right away, sir.

Michael, my God, your finger!

You okay?

Grab a towel, quick!

- Michael, you all right?
- My finger!

My God!

Wilford! Quit messing around!

My guests will be here any minute,
and I need you out front.

Yes, Miss Cartier.

Sorry, Wilford. I'm just
having a little fun.

Good one on me, sir.

Mikey.

Nice.

Mr Cartier made me do it.

Quite.

I'm so glad you could make it.
I know this isn't your thing.

What, and miss my opportunity
to create another masterpiece?

It's a hell of a tux, Ryan.

You sure do know how to pull off
the starving artist look.

I kind of like the starving artist look.

Thank you.

I am so sorry we're late.
Did we miss the toast?

No, we're still waiting
on Her Highness.

We spend half our life
waiting for her.

And you've spent half your life
spewing bullshit, Peter.

Hello, Desiree.
It's lovely to see you.

Peter's a politician in training, Des.

What more can you expect
from that sh*t-eating grin?

Thanks, Blaine.

Here you go, sweetie.

So, have you sampled
the main course yet?

Well, it looks amazing, but I'm saving
my appetite for something else.

We still on for polo on Saturday?

- Have I ever missed a match?
- You have not.

You don't toast yourself, sweetie,
we toast you.

At each one of our coming-out parties,

where us sweet, young,
innocent girls

are introduced into polite society...

we've all taken a moment beforehand
to gather together before the other--

Old f*ck.

--other guests arrive

to toast our guests of honour,

celebrate our friendships,

and welcome our newest addition.

Don't be a lender or a borrower.

Peter!

Thank you, Barbie.
As I was saying, Torrance,

we are so proud to host
your debutante ball

and welcome you into our circle...

which, I think you will find,
will change your life forever.

May God help you
as the devil leads the way.

Cheers.

What's so funny?

What happened to your mouth?

April Fool's.

What are you laughing at?

Peter, try to keep up, okay?

- She got you.
- Yeah, it's hilarious.

Don't worry, sweetie.

Since it's your special night,
you'll be exempt from being pranked...

maybe.

Torrance, there is no one
more deserving of this honour than...

f*ck! Can we do that again?

Yep. Ready when you are.

As sponsor of your debut,
it is my honour

to welcome you
into our elite society.

Congratulations, Torrance.
You deserve it.

Ooh, I'll take one more of those.
Thank you, sir.

Charles, any well wishes
for the new debutante?

Yes, Torrance...

in the popularity race, rehab rumours
might get you to the finish line,

but nothing secures victory better
than a good old-fashioned sex scandal.

Isn't that right, Elty-pooh?

Perfect.

- Also...
- Thanks, Charles.

Hey, guys.

We're making a video for Torrance.
Do you have any advice?

Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
Here you go.

Here you go. Hold that.
All right.

Okay? On me.

Torrance, my dear,

my wife and I would like to extend
our hearty congratulations

on your coming-out party

and wish you well
with all your future--

How about you, Miss Carolina?

Torrance, honey, I'm honoured
to call you my friend,

and I look forward to sharing
many happy years together.

Great. Very sincere.

Oh, yeah--

marry rich and don't get fat.

Endeavours. Future endeavours.

Ryan.

Glad to see you're living the dream.

- Guy thinks he's Hitchcock.
- Who?

I happen to be working tonight.
Some people have to earn a living.

Yeah, I earn interest.
Take a close-up of Katie here.

- Chloe.
- Whatever. Isn't she beautiful?

How many times do I have to tell you--
champagne, then hors d'oeuvres!

- Des?
- Jeez. Sorry.

Have you seen Milan?

I think she just walked in.

Milan! Wow, you look divine.

You look stunning, as always.

Thank you.
Just threw myself together.

You know, this is all
looking very familiar.

It's not nearly as beautiful
as your ball,

but we did miss having you here
for the pre-party toast.

I've been working so much
with my charities,

I haven't had time for as much
socialising or traditions.

Admirable.

So, are you still working
with those Ret*rded--

Developmentally
disabled children? Yes.

They're so adorable.

You know, helping others
is incredibly rewarding.

Envy is an ugly shade
for you, Desiree.

I don't know the meaning
of the word.

Oh, and, for the record,

I don't partake
in the type of exploits

that make Milan Hastings
so popular with the boys.

As someone
who writes gossip for a living,

I sure would appreciate any light
you could shed on these...

cries for attention.

Well...

let's just say someone had
to stock up on her penicillin.

Milan Hastings.

Goody two-shoes
and village bicycle.

What, you didn't know?
Feel free to use that for your website.

How do I know you're not up
to another one of your little tricks?

Contrary to popular opinion,
I actually do try to verify my sources.

Suit yourself.

Oh, Desiree...

gossip has a poison
for which there is no antidote.

Excuse me, young man.

Elty's getting a little sleepy.

Would you mind taking him
to the Woodland room for me?

Tuck him in,
make yourself a drink.

Bye, Elty. It's okay, baby.
Yeah, he's a nice young man.

So, there we were
in the Alaskan tundra on a hunting trip.

My father gave me that knife
after my first k*ll.

See that g*n?

This was my next k*ll.

The animal never knew
what hit it.

Excuse us.

Blaine!

You still in for later tonight
with Milan?

As long as you quit pestering me
about that stupid SL-550,

then yes.

It's not fair. Why should you
get to decide how I spend my money?

Because that's what father
stated in our trust.

Besides, you have
a perfectly fine automobile.

My car is an eyesore.

It's a 2007, Desiree. You don't need
a new Mercedes every year.

Fine. Whatever.
Just stick to the plan, all right?

I'm counting on you.

Shouldn't be too difficult.
She's been begging for it for years.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please allow me the honour
of presenting at her official debut,

Miss Torrance Caldwell.

She will be escorted by her father,
Mr Lawrence Caldwell III.

You know, if this wasn't
a front for another one of your pranks,

Mom and Dad
would have been so proud.

Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the future leader of your children.

Brian. Brian, come here.

It's Ryan.

- Brian, come here.
- It's Ryan.

Can I tell you something
I am not going to tell you?

Before I devoted myself

and sacrificed myself to getting votes
and being loved by everyone

and helping people
with their hearts and souls...

I wanted to be a bartender like
Jerry Maguire and c*ck.

Give me that.
I'm on a beach...

Would you excuse me?

I'm a bad-a*s!

Peter, people are watching.

Ryan, stop.

Ryan.

If that ends up on the Interweb,
I will have you r*ped by a wizard.

- Glass of champagne.
- Yeah!

That is a promise, not a threat.

What's it worth to you?

Everything you've got, effer!

Hey, Barbie.

Milan, it's so nice to see you.
You haven't been around much lately.

You wouldn't believe how much work
the Gifted Child Foundation is.

I can't believe my mother
started it single-handedly.

Yes.

And congratulations on
that whole Miss Carolina thing.

What an honour.

I didn't even realise they let
married ladies compete.

Well, we had just gotten engaged,
so I was still eligible.

Hello, Peter, how have you been?

Running the Senate yet?

The campaign's like
a well-oiled machine.

Campaign machine.

Politics.

I think it's time to go.

Ryan, how are you?

Good. How are you?

Good. So, how's the whole
movie thing been going?

It's, um...

It's--?

I'm sorry, I just haven't
seen you since--

Torrance.

Torrance.

Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.

It's okay. I'm a little
distracted tonight.

- It's a big night.
- Yeah.

Did I tell you I got an agent?

Guess those acting classes paid off.

Everything's happening so quickly.

You know, this whole scene
can be pretty overwhelming.

Just do yourself a favour--
don't lose yourself in their world.

What do you mean?

I mean, we've all been very fortunate,

but most of them
use their wealth and privilege

only to benefit themselves.

They have everything they want,

yet they'd do anything for a little more.

I don't know, I guess
what I'm trying to say is...

Obsess much?

Tan much?

She is beautiful.

When are you going to get
the nerve and ask her out?

Who's that, Milan?

We're just old friends.
It'd be weird.

Yeah, right.

Why don't you jump in the pool
with the girls?

First of all, they're not playing
with the right equipment,

and secondly,
you know I can't swim.

Oh, my.

You'll have to pardon me.

Charles just found
his dessert for the evening.

Yoo-hoo! Young man,
may I have a word with you?

Hey, you.

That looks good.

Here you are.

I guess this is why
I rarely attend these things.

They're just blowing off steam.

From what?

Deciding whether to summer
in the Vineyard or Lake Como?

Sorry. I just don't feel
I'm part of this world anymore.

That's too bad...

'cause I would love
a little of you in my world.

Blaine, you never let up.

You know, I'm not
one of your little debu-tarts.

I was planning on laying it on
pretty thick tonight,

but I have just been myself
around you.

Really?

Yeah. I don't know what it is.

I'm comfortable with you.

I don't have to pull
any tricks, you know?

You're too smart for that.

The champagne's hitting me
pretty hard.

There.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Why don't-- why don't we
get you some water?

Come on.

Watch yourself.

Right this way.

Let me get you that water.
Be right back.

There you go.

- Thanks.
- Absolutely.

There. I got it.

What kind of girl
do you think I am?

I think I have an idea.

What's that? What's that?
There we go.

Once this hits the Internet,
Milan is finished.

Stop it.

I'll be goddamned,
it's a wooden door.

It's hardwood.

Pine.

Oh, gorgeous.

I'm going to get us something
in the bathroom.

What are you guys doing?

Des, why do you have my camera?

You don't want to see this.

What? What the f*ck's going on?

So... miss me?

Hold on a second.

Jeez, Milan, I've been
wanting this for a long time.

You all right?

I can't. I just don't--

I don't feel right.

What's wrong?
What's the matter?

I just don't feel right.

I'm sorry.

What are you guys doing?
This isn't funny.

April Fool's Day, b*tch.

What's wrong?

What's the matter with you?
You all right?

She's falling backwards!
Get her! Milan!

Milan!

Milan!

Oh, my God!

Milan, get up, please!

Milan, please get up! Please!

It's okay, just get up,
please, Milan!

Oh, please get up!

Call someone!

Milan, wake up! Wake up!

What have you guys done?

What have you guys done?

The terms of the trust
clearly delineate

that any outward and evident
citations of questionable character

and/or any ill*gal activity
are grounds for removal.

In light of the inquiry
into the death of Milan Hastings,

and with the more recent allegations
of sexual misconduct

involving Mr Cartier,

I have no choice but to revoke
his responsibilities

as executor of the Cartier estate,

and hereby designate
Desiree Cartier primary beneficiary

in control of the family trust.

On today's edition of Susan Moyer,

we are headed to the South,

where an April Fool's Day prank

turns tragic.

Now, this case has been

dragging on for months,

and joining us now via satellite

is WDZB of the Carolinas

reporter Seaton Motley.

- Seaton?
- Hey, Susan.

Hello, Seaton.

So, this started as just your

run-of-the mill debutante ball.

Is that right?

Well, no, not exactly.

It was hosted by the city's

elite Cartier family.

The Kennedys of the Carolinas, right?

Yeah.

But someone died.

Died at a ball.

This is supposed to celebrate

someone coming out, not going out.

What came out at the hearing

is that it was all supposed to be a prank.

Obviously, it turned out horribly wrong.

Yeah, very wrong.

Now, viewers, what you are about to see

is not for the faint of heart.

She's falling backwards!
Get her! Milan!

Milan!

Toxicology reports show

that the socialite died

from an adverse reaction of a drug.

I believe it was a roofie.

Is that right, Seaton?

That's correct.

Here we have this rich kid,

Blaine Cartier.

He has got a history

of sexual misconduct,

and no one is raising red flags?

Alleged sexual misconduct.

Let's be fair, these debutantes

starting coming out of the woodwork

after the story broke.

They could be riding

the media bandwagon, for all we know.

That may be so.

Also joining us today

is gossip columnist and blog king

Charles Lansford.

Hello, Susan.

Hello, Charles.

You not only report on the elite,

you're a member of the inner circle.

Matter of fact, you just finished

writing a book--

in a record amount of time,

I might add--

regarding this particular case.

Is that right?

Thank you, yes, I have.

My book is titled

Lifestyles of the Rich and Deadly

and will be available

in stores across the nation

on July 8th.

From what I've been told,

you were actually considered

a co-conspirator in this case.

Actually, the media misconstrued that--

Here's what I'm trying to figure out,

is exactly what went wrong that night.

What started out

trying to catch a couple of kids,

pardon the expression,

with their pants down,

ended up with this young woman

falling to her death.

The Cartiers were trying to embarrass

Milan Hastings for quite some time.

You see, Desiree Cartier

had a longstanding rivalry with her.

Susan, I want to add one more thing too.

This is not the first time

that one of the Cartiers' stunts

has landed them in hot water.

We have to take a commercial break.

When we come back,

more on the Cartier son

and his dalliances, some of which...

Don't feel bad, Blaine.
It happens to a lot of guys.

I've had a lot on my mind lately.

Elton?

Elton?

Elton!

Elty?

Elton?

Come on, smoochy-bear.

Elton?

Elty?

Elty!

Swim! Swim, Elty!

Come on, boy!

Elton!

Oh, God!

What the f*ck?

- Miss Cartier?
- Jesus!

So sorry, Miss Cartier.
I didn't mean to frighten you.

It's fine, Wilford. Just having
a rough morning, that's all.

I found this at the door
earlier this morning.

Thank you.

Do you know where Blaine is?

I believe he spent the night
downtown at the Cartier Suite.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, yeah,
everything's fine, thank you.

What up? It's Blaine.

Leave a message if you want.
I could care less.

sh*t! I'm sorry!

Watch it, b*tch!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

What is your problem?

Go away.

Yeah, I don't need anything.
Come back later.

Open the f*cking door, Blaine.

It's so dark in here.

So, I got this this morning.

I don't know what it is.

I wouldn't worry about it.
Somebody trying to screw with you.

Yeah? Then they're trying
to screw with you too.

How do they know I'm staying here?

I don't know!
What, do you think it's a joke?

Well, I don't know, Des.
You tell me. You're the expert, right?

Oh, come on.

Well, considering your track record,
I don't think it's far from the truth.

I've spent the past year regretting
what happened to Milan,

but it was an accident,
and I've finally come to terms with that.

What if someone has
something on us, Des?

I can't go through another hearing.

They don't. We didn't k*ll Milan.

I say we just go to the gravesite
and see what they want.

Hey.

Hey.

How are you?

I'm okay.

I never really got a chance
to say goodbye to her, you know?

Yeah.

Me neither.

How are you?

Okay.

It still haunts me, you know?

You didn't have anything to do with it.

It still happened at my debut.

It's all bullshit.

They don't even care that she's dead.
They just care about their reputations.

Hey, guys.

So, you guys get the invitation too?

Is it just us four?

Guess not.

Well. Just like old times.

Blaine.

Peter.

It's good to see you.

It's good to see you.

Desiree, I'm assuming we're here
because of you, ringleader.

Don't start with me, Peter.

Well, looks like there's
no big surprises around the corner,

so, if you'll excuse us.

Hold on a sec.

You guys expecting a package?

- Who's it from?
- M. Hastings.

What?

Can I get someone to sign for it?

I'll do it.

Okay. Thank you.

'Dear friends, a year has passed
since my tragic death.

I was hoping one of you would
for once accept responsibility.'

What else?

'But you didn't. I know
which one of you is responsible.

The question is, are you
capable of admitting it?'

'If my m*rder*r doesn't come forward,

'then each and every one of you will--

'will die throughout the course
of this April Fool's Day.

'If you go to the police,
you will die,

'and if you think this is some sort
of prank, please see the enclosed.

'All my love...

Milan.'

Desiree, if this is another one
of your stupid pranks--!

Are you serious? You think
I would joke about this?

What the hell's going on?

- What's that?
- The enclosed.

It's Charles.

- What is this, a joke?
- Go figure.

The guy who made a fortune
off our miseries is back for more.

What the f*ck?

He can't swim.

Oh, my God.

- The f*ck is that?
- I'm not buying it.

Wait, is this his idea of a joke?

It's been great catching up,

but Barbie and I don't have time
for this kind of stuff anymore.

- Afternoon.
- Peter.

Peter. Peter, come on, man.

We should just call the cops.

And have everyone laugh at us
for one of Charles' dumb-a*s pranks?

I don't think so.
I say we go to his house.

What? No, it's not safe.

Des, please.
The guy's just f*cking with us.

- Let's go.
- Thank you.

Hey, let's try around back.

Charles?

Charles?

Oh, my God.

Wait!

- It's okay! It's okay!
- Oh, my God, he's dead!

Give me your hand!

It's okay. Just calm down.

Come on!

Torrance!
Get her out of here!

We need to call the cops!

f*ck!

You guys all right?

I had to grab the dog.
I couldn't leave him.

Charles is dead.

No sh*t.

Look, I say we just-- we just need
to gather our senses here--

If the person who k*lled Milan
doesn't come forward,

any of us could be next.

Ryan, slow down.

Who's to say any of us k*lled her?

Whoever this is
could be bluffing or crazy,

or they could have
even k*lled Milan.

We need to call the cops.

I don't know about you, sweetie,

but if I get implicated
in another m*rder, I'm finished!

Don't talk to her like that.

Sounds to me like you're
the one who's hiding something.

I don't have anything to hide.
I was with all of you at the cemetery.

Not last night, you weren't.

That video was obviously
made at night.

I was in my suite last night, all night,
with Sara. You can ask her.

- Is that true?
- Tell him, Des.

You were alone
when I showed up at your hotel.

Fine. Where were you last night?

I was at home.
Any of the servants can verify that.

- Can they?
- Yes. And where were you, Ryan?

I was at my apartment
doing a project.

- Do you have any witnesses?
- I live alone.

I can stay. I'll call the cops
and tell them I found Charles.

I was at rehearsal last night.

The cast and director
will say I was there.

- All night?
- Yeah, the director can vouch for me.

Oh, good God, Torrance.

- Who are you to criticise me?
- Guys, let's calm down.

I say we make an anonymous
phone call from a payphone

and go on with our business.

This is for the cops.

Let them find Charles' body
and decide for themselves.

He's right.

He's right.

You make the call.

Thanks, Ryan.

I have to go cover a pageant.

I can't afford to lose the f*cking gig.

Barbie will be there.
I'll tell her about Charles.

- Torrance, can I get a ride?
- Yeah.

I think there's a payphone
on the corner of Fifth.

- Are you sure you want to do this?
- What other choice do we have?

Peter Welling for Senate.

Peter Welling for President.

I could be an astronaut if I want to be.
I could be a race car driver.

Come in!

That's far enough right there.

What you got?

Just the new poll numbers.

- And how are they?
- Not so hot.

That's fine, Stuart.
You don't have to come any closer.

I thought after that pro-life rally
I'd be on top.

Peter, it's April 1st.

We talked about the fact this
anniversary would haunt us.

I know. I just didn't realise.

We'll just do a little spin control.

We'll do a few more visits,
some town hall meetings.

There's that new paediatric wing
that's opening up this week.

No, that's fine. I'm not gonna do that.
I don't like the smell of those.

- What, hospitals?
- No, the babies.

I don't like-- they've got
the little hands, and the faces...

- Peter.
- Yeah?

It's your first campaign.

If you don't come out on top,
it's gonna set you back for years.

Stuart, you know...

it's gonna be okay.

I'm kind of in the middle
of something right now, so...

Okay.

You're doing a heck of a job.

I could be whatever I want to be.
I could be God.

Hello, this is Barbie Reynolds.

Please leave a brief message,
and I'll return your call.

Still no answer.

Look, don't panic yet.

If she's in the middle of an event,
she's probably not picking up.

Plus, Ryan should be with her by now.

Elton, knock it off!

Hello, DCC Couriers.
How can we help you today?

Hi, I just need to get an address.

I still can't get ahold
of Peter and Barbie,

and now Ryan's
not answering his phone.

Desiree, don't panic.

I'm not panicking! Elton!

Listen, what time do you
get off set?

First I need to tell you
what Ryan said earlier today.

What'd he say at the cemetery?

He was acting strange
and saying some weird things.

I've got to call you back.

- What did the police say?
- I called the courier service.

What, are you going to ship
Charles' body to them?

No, I was thinking the courier
said it came from 'M. Hastings'.

So there had to be
an address attached, right?

So I found out what it was.

1443 Smith Street.

Yeah, but we don't know anyone
who lives around here.

Yes, we do.

Ryan.

Stand right there.

Okay, you want to come forward.

Now let's get one
with Ms Carolina.

Miss.

All right, Miss Carolina,
you can take 15 now.

I just need the young ladies.

sh*t! How are we supposed
to find Ryan?

I'll go find him.
You get to Barbie.

Excuse me--
Miss Carolina?

Miss Carolina, Miss Carolina--
down the door to the right.

Just go fix it. Just fix it.

If I wanted blue toothpicks,
I would have ordered blue toothpicks.

Oh, my God! Barbie!

What? God damn it!

Can't I just relax before a sh**t?

Oh, my God, you're okay!

Of course I'm okay.

Are you acting crazy after all
the bullshit at the cemetery earlier?

- Well?
- I'm sorry.

The circuit breaker's been acting up.

Seems just to be affecting your room.

We do have somebody
working on it.

Guess they're just gonna have to wait
for their little sh**t now, aren't they?

Wait. Ryan talked to you, didn't he?

I saw him at the pageant.

And he didn't say anything
about Charles, about what we found?

Can't see sh*t! I ain't going to go
out there looking like Amy Winehouse.

- Yes?
- Me again.

These just came for you.

What a sweetie!

Who are they from?

Is there something in the vase?

Maybe the florist...?

Oh, f*ck!

Oh, my God. Okay, you okay?

I'll get you a towel.
Don't worry about it.

Oh, God.

Do you...mind?

God damn it!

What the hell?

It's two minutes, Miss Reynolds.

What about my g*dd*mn lights?

Oh, my God, Barbie.

Oh, my God!

Where's Barbie?

What?

No, no, no, no, no.
She was right here.

And the vase, it was--

After what happened today?

It's a sick joke.

She was right here.

She was--

'Forwarded. Peter. Milan.'
What?

'She'll k*ll us both.' What?

Blaine, listen to me!

Ryan, I know what I saw.

Look, Des...

just because of what happened
to Charles,

we can't let
our imaginations run wid.

We have to keep it together, okay?

No, you sent the package
to the cemetery!

- No, I didn't!
- And you sent the roses!

I didn't send anything to anybody!

Tell him, Blaine.

We called the courier service,
all right?

They said the package came
from your address.

So f*cking what?

All of you know my address.
Any one of you could have sent it.

Hell, I get letters from Peter's
g*dd*mn campaign office every day,

and I'm a Democrat!

- sh*t! Peter!
- Exactly!

Instead of pointing fingers,
let's go check on Peter.

It's just your imagination.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

Cut!

What the hell, Chuck?
What's with my blood pumps?

I don't know what's wrong.

f*ck me!

All right, let's redress the set.
And someone get me Emily.

Torrance, why don't you
go back to your trailer.

It's going to be a little while,
all right?

There you go. Okay.

Chuck, how long is it going to take?

- 10, 15 minutes.
- All right, we've got an hour!

April Fool's!

You assholes.

Sorry, hon. They've been getting
everybody all day with that.

- What's this?
- Just read it.

So what?
Peter and Milan had an affair.

Is that true?

This could mean one of two things.

Either Peter and Milan continued
this affair, and Barbie k*lled her,

or (b) Peter k*lled Milan
to cover up a potential scandal.

- But then who k*lled Barbie?
- We don't even know Barbie's dead.

Even if she is, maybe she
came forward about k*lling Milan,

and then the k*ller k*lled Barbie.

Wait, what?

No, you know what?
I know what I saw.

And we all saw Charles, right?

Something is not adding up.

We don't know what's going on,
but the way we left Charles...

It's just not right.

I've got to call the police.
I'll deal with the consequences.

I know that I didn't k*ll Milan.

I don't care if somebody has evidence.
The fact is, I'm innocent.

South Point Police Station.

Hi, it's Blaine Cartier.
I need to report a m*rder.

I'll direct your call to Homicide.

Homicide.

Hi, this is Blaine Cartier.
I need to report a m*rder.

What? Blaine Cartier?

Listen, son, these pranks,
they need to stop.

This is the fifth phone call
I've received from you today.

If this is the real Blaine Cartier,

the next call I get from you better be
you reporting your own m*rder.

We're so screwed.

Excuse me, do you know where
we could find Peter Welling?

I think you just missed him, hon.
You can check his office.

If he's not there, he's probably
left for his appointment.

He parks on the basement level.

I'll look in his office. If he's
not there, we'll check the garage.

Thank you for calling Peter Welling
for Senate. How may I direct your call?

Where is she?

I don't know.
She was just right here.

Beautiful, just beautiful.

Peter!

- Desiree, what do you want?
- Peter, I need to talk to you.

Nope, nope. I am not
getting involved this time.

Peter, listen to me, damn it!

- Listen to me.
- What?

I need to talk to you.

Look, I have to earn
the voters' confidence.

I have votes to earn, okay?
Do you understand that?

- You have to explain this--
- My value wagon.

Peter!

Oh, no!

Peter, run!

Run, Peter!

Peter, run!

Peter!

Oh, my God!

Peter!

f*ck!

Hello?

Where are you?
I've called you, like, 100 times!

I'm at Peter's office,
where you left me.

Peter is dead! He got
run over by his value wagon.

What?

Why are you laughing?
I'm serious!

Where's the van?
Are you following it?

I'm following it now.

Desiree, where are you?
Tell me exactly where you're at.

sh*t! sh*t! She sees me.

What? Who sees you?
What are you talking about?

Milan.

What the hell are you
talking about?

Desiree?

Hey! Hello? Des!

sh*t!

sh*t!

f*ck! f*ck!

Des, you okay?

Blaine, I lost it.

Slow down
and tell me where you're at.

I'll come get you.

Are you hurt?

Wait! I see it! Wait!

You see the van?
Where are you?

I'm on Kellogg and Oaklawn.

- Look, just stay there.
- I gotta go.

Oh, no. Torrance.

Do you have a drive-on?

Yeah, I'm here to see Torrance Caldwell
for Boogie Blades 2.

- Is she expecting you?
- Yes, I have a drive-on. Please.

- Your name?
- Desiree Cartier.

- Okay, you can go in.
- Thank you.

Excuse me, where is
Torrance Caldwell's trailer?

- Fifth one down.
- Here. Thanks.

Hey, somebody get something
from craft services.

Where'd that other grip go?

We have a dead spot over here.

Can we get someone
in the crew to fix it?

Jesus!

My God!

You looked like Milan.

Desiree, it's a wig.
It's for the movie.

Listen, Peter and Barbie are dead,

and I think that
the m*rder*r's after you,

because I followed him here.

Look, we can't stay here.
It's not safe.

Desiree, you're not making sense.

I have to get ready
for the next scene.

Jesus, I think I'm losing my mind.

I mean, I think they're dead, but I--
I saw them, and then...

You have to tell me what Ryan
said to you today at the cemetery.

I don't know.
I mean, he was so angry.

He kept on saying how we all got
what we deserved

for causing Milan's death.

He was always in love with her.

There's something
you need to know about Ryan,

something I should have said
a long time ago.

What?

What the hell is going on?

You okay?

Yeah. Where's Ryan?

He took off in a hurry after you called.

He kept mumbling something

about needing more information
off the laptop.

I don't know what this means, but...

for the past year, I've caught him
more than once watching me.

Watching you?

Yeah.

He was hiding, and I think
he was videotaping me.

I was on a date, and he was
outside of the restaurant.

I was at the mall, and he was
even in the parking garage.

What?

Okay, so he's got a fetish.

I know he's a weird guy,
but just because he has an odd hobby,

doesn't make him a m*rder*r.

That's exactly why I didn't
say anything, but now, I don't know.

He was really uncomfortable,
giving me a ride home.

But who else is he spying on
with that video camera?

Is he taping us?

Torrance, could you take Elton?

Yeah.

Let's go figure this out.

Do you think it was okay
we left Torrance at the set?

Des, she'll be fine. She said
the director was taking her home,

and that there was more security
than crew members on that thing.

There's not even anyone famous
in that movie, right?

Here's Ryan's apartment.

What a sh*t h*le.

I believe the term is heroin-chic.

This is it.

Now what?

Bingo.

Oh, Jesus.

God.

Did someone die in here?

Holy sh*t.

What's this?

I have no idea.

Wait.

I believe we've moved
beyond a hobby here.

'I have proof.'

The letter that we got,
it said 'I have proof.'

It's definitely him, all right.

Who are you calling?

911. What's your emergency?

Three people have been m*rder*d.
Put me through to Homicide.

- What's your name, sir?
- Anonymous caller.

We're at the Windsor Apartments
at Fifth and Smith, apartment 211.

There have been three murders.

We believe we know
the person respons--

Hello, you've reached Ryan.
I'm not around.

You know what to do.

Hi, Ryan. This is Emily
from the Miss Carolina Pageant.

Please call me
when you get in. Thank you.

Ryan, Ryan, hang in there, buddy.

Hey, hey, hey!

- My God!
- No, don't! Hey, Ryan! Ryan!

- Milan.
- Milan? What?

- Milan.
- No, don't you--!

- Oh, my God.
- Milan.

Ryan.

Wait! Wait!

Oh, my God!

Please! Please, Ryan!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

What? What is that?

It's the knife Dad got me.

What?

What is going on?

Des, someone's trying to set us up.
We've got to get out of here.

- What are you doing? Are you crazy?
- We've got to get out of here.

No!

Des, come on!
Let's go! Let's go!

That call was a hang-up.

If this is another goddamned
April Fool's joke,

I'm gonna sh**t somebody
in the a*s.

Ah, sh*t, man!
I forgot my cuffs!

- So, go get 'em.
- All right. I'll be right back.

You guys have a nice night.

Paul, it was not a prank.

You too, officer.

Perp must have left recently.

Hello?

Torrance, it's not Ryan.
He's dead.

Listen, whoever's doing this
is still out there.

Desiree, slow down.

The k*ller-- the k*ller is still
out there. You're not safe.

Listen, are you still
with your director friend?

No, he's having rehearsal
with one of the child actors.

You're not safe alone, so just
come over as soon as you can.

- We'll be safer together, okay?
- How do I know that?

- What?
- I'm sorry...

...but you are the common denominator
in these murders.

What? How could you say that?

You were there at every m*rder.

How do I know that
you're not the one doing this?

Torrance, that's insane.

Just come over as soon as you can.

Sorry, Des,
I think I'll take my chances.

- What?
- What'd she say?

She-- she said she's not
coming over.

f*ck her.

Wilford?

I'll check upstairs.

Blaine?

Desiree.

Oh, my God.

Desiree.

f*ck!

Desiree, I'm gonna find you.

Des! Des, help me!

Blaine?

Oh, my God!

Who did this?
Who did this?

Behind you.

I did.

Drop the knife, Desiree.

Torrance, listen to me.
Neither one of us k*lled Milan, okay?

You're lying, Blaine!

He's not lying.
Just put down the g*n,

and we'll sort everything out, okay?

I have a better idea.

Charles is dead.

Barbie and Peter are dead.

So is poor Ryan.

And then there were three.

And all you had to do was admit
that you k*lled Milan,

and all of this
could have been avoided.

It was an accident.

None of us k*lled her;
it was a stupid prank.

A stupid prank, huh?

So, what, it was a coincidence
that the drug Des slipped Milan

had caused her seizure?

No way.

It's not true.

Rather than coming forward,

you've chosen
to let your friends die,

one by one.

Well...

here's your last chance.

It was an accident, Torrance.

I don't know what else to tell you.
Just...please...!

f*ck!

Everybody said
you were heartless,

but I defended you
for the past year.

I was a fool.

People like you should be
removed from society.

- You're a menace.
- A menace?

You k*lled five people!

Those people ruined my debut,
my ball!

That so-called party you threw for me
was just a front for your stupid prank!

You used me!

It's time for you to go.

Goodbye, Desiree.

Wait!

Wait, I k*lled Milan.
I did it, I did it.

It was you.

I gave her the roofie,
but I didn't mean for her to die.

I was just trying
to get back at Blaine

for lording the inheritance
over me all this time,

and I thought that...

I thought if he got in trouble...

I thought if he got caught
for roofie-ing Milan, that...

I just...

I didn't know she would
react that way.

I didn't know she would--

I didn't mean for anyone
to get involved.

But you said nothing.

You let us go through the ringer!
The court hearings, the press!

We were innocent!

Innocent? Innocent?

By innocent, you mean Charles,
the social-climbing f*g

who built a small empire
by exploiting Milan's death?

Or how about Peter,
the so-called politician

who didn't have enough smarts
to keep his d*ck in his pants?

Maybe Barbie, who'd rather
send death threats to Milan

than take up marital issues
with her husband.

Nobody-- nobody was happier
to see her dead than them.

And let's not forget about
that obsessive creep Ryan,

who'd rather see Milan in a box
than with anybody else.

And Blaine?

Blaine didn't care about anybody!

He didn't even think twice...

about participating in my little stunt,
and he paid dearly.

You're a horrible person.

I may have accidentally k*lled her...

but it takes a naive person like yourself

to call those people innocent.

I don't deserve to die
any more than they did.

You finished?

What?

What?

Boo!

April Fool's, b*tch.

Oh, this'll be great for my
f*g social-climbing website.

Hello, Desiree.

Did you get all that?

Sounds pretty conclusive to me.

You remember Mr Ellsworth, right?

He represented me after you
k*lled Milan and let me take the fall.

Oh, my God.

I'm just--

I'm so happy you guys are alive.

Look at her face.
That look's priceless.

Wow, that--
that is really good, you guys.

Wow, you got me.

Give it a rest, Desiree.
I think you've shown your true colours.

What?

We all knew you had more to do
with Milan's death,

but, like the investigators,
we didn't have strong enough evidence.

We were tired of having
our reputations in jeopardy

as long as Milan's death
was still a mystery.

So, after weeks of planning,
I enlisted the help of my friends

to try and provoke
a confession out of you.

It worked.

Wilford?

Why?

Because you were always
such an insufferable b*tch.

Ryan orchestrated most of it.

It was his idea to dress up Torrance
and have her haunt you as Milan.

Hell of a job, brother.

Creating the illusion
was no small task.

We had to figure out a way that would
lead you from one place to the next--

finding Charles,
Peter and Milan's supposed affair,

Ryan's weird obsession.

Well...

you get the idea.

It's all over now, Desiree.

The prankster's become the pranked.

April Fool's.

But the police are after us.

No. Actors from Torrance's movie.
We got them for scale.

But I saw all of you die
with my own eyes. I saw it.

Got the FX guy from my movie
to help us with that.

What?

Did a pretty good job, huh?

Squibs.

The g*n.

They're blanks, Desiree.

See?

Oh, my.

What have you done?

I didn't do that! I just did
what you told me to do!

I didn't tell you
to blow her f*cking head off!

Oh, dear God!

- What the hell happened?
- I don't know!

I guess somebody
tampered with the g*n!

- Oh, God!
- It was you!

You! You planned this, didn't you!

Are you f*cking nuts? I could have
just as easily caught this b*llet!

How could I have known, huh?

Oh, God!

Your Honour, I fully acknowledge
and take responsibility

for the danger in which I've put
my family and friends,

but I categorically deny any allegations

of doing so with the intention
of k*lling anyone.

Thank you.

Torrance Caldwell,

you are hereby acquitted
of all charges

in the death of Desiree Cartier.

Citing the cause of death
of the primary beneficiary,

I hereby name Blaine Cartier

executor and sole beneficiary
of the family trust.

Mr Cartier will not be answering
any questions at this time.

While my client is deeply grateful

for regaining control
of the Cartier estate,

he would throw it all away
if it meant having his sister back.

For you regular viewers,

you may remember
'Catastrophe in the Carolinas'.

We covered it about a year ago.

Basically, a bunch of
trust fund babies got away with m*rder

when their so-called
April Fool's Day prank

resulted in the death
of an innocent altruist.

Well, folks,
justice has been served.

Joining me now live
via satellite is Charles Lansford.

He is the host of the new show
Charles' Celebrity Corner.

Hello, Susan.

Hello, Charles.
So good to have you with us.

The last time we talked,

we were speaking about
the death of Milan Hastings.

Now here we are a year later,
talking about yet another death,

this time the woman responsible
for Miss Hastings' untimely demise,

Desiree Cartier.

That's right, Susan.

After there was no justice
in the Hastings death,

I knew I had to do something,

so I did a little of my own investigating,

and I suspected that the late
Desiree Cartier

was more involved than she
originally let on.

So, why another prank?

Well, Desiree was never the type
to own up to any sort of wrongdoing.

I could have told you that point-blank.

In fact, we were summering once
in the Cape--

or was it Mattapoisett?

I can't remember, Susan.
What was my point?

So, you got her to confess this time.

Yes.

- But she died.
- Yes.

Whereas I'm glad that the nonsense
surrounding the Hastings death

has finally come to light.

But at the same time,
I'm also heartbroken

that an accident
has taken Miss Cartier's life.

So she was accidentally shot?

Yes.

I am 100% absolutely positive
that it was an accident.

How is her brother holding up?

From what I understand,

he gains to inherit
the entire Cartier estate.

Well, Blaine and I have been
friends for many years,

and believe me when I tell you

no amount of money
is ever going to wash away the pain

he is feeling right now.

He, as we all are,

are deeply disturbed
by his sister's malicious acts--

but it is still his sister.

Well, Charles, why don't you tell
our viewers now about your new show.

Absolutely, Susan.

The first two episodes
got rave reviews.

We do everything
from celebrity sightings

to who's hot, who's not,
who's going up, who's going down,

and who's going in
and who's going out.

Chitchat with Charles.