17x12 - Smooshed: A Love Story

[bunniefuu]

All my life, I felt like I was
just going through the motions.

Walking left, walking right.

As if I were a background
character in my own life.

And then I saw her.

We locked eyes. And that was it.

I loved her instantly.
We've been together ever since.

They don't usually let us talk.

I sh*t my first husband!

♪♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪♪

Wow!

"Wow" is right!

We couldn't sleep either!

Tomorrow is the big day!
It's all come down to this!

The overnight class trip!

To the most romantic city
in the world... Philadelphia.

Two nights. No parents.

You're going to literally fall
in love in the City of Love!

Well, it's the City of Brotherly Love.

And, brother, you're gonna fall in love!

[ALL CHEER]

Steve, tell us again about Milk Girl.

- Again?!
- Give us the goss, boss!

Well, as you all know,
she's a tenth grader.

Oooo!

She sits in the front row
of my AP Philadelphia class,

puts her backpack on the
left side of her chair,

and she drinks

- a [BLEEP] ton of milk.
- No cap.

I've been in love with
her from afar all year,

and this is the trip
where I turn afar...

into... a-close.

[BOTH CHEERING]

- Is that her?
- No.

- Is that her?!
- Guys, I promise,

when you see her, you will know.

Eee!

Francine, please, try to be cool.

[SQUEALS]

Guess who just transferred
into AP Philadelphia!

I heard you guys were
going to the US Mint,

and I've always been super curious

about what money looks like!

I figured we could sit
together on the bus

and you can catch me up on
other Philadelphia stuff,

like how a cream cheese became a city.

- He can't!
- He can't!

Would that I could, pal.
See this cooler?

Full of milk.

I'm talking skim, whole,
almond, unpasteurized,

milk of magnesia,
should the unpasteurized be a problem.

So the plan is,
I sit next to her on the bus,

dazzle her with the milk buffet,
just lay a solid foundation.

By the time we get to the
Rocky Statue part of the trip,

we'll be practically engaged.

O-M-G, O-M-G, O-M-G!
That's gotta be her!

FRANCINE: She's here! O-M-G! Don't look!

She's perfect just like you said

There is just something
so sweet about her.

And even though I don't
know her name yet,

I know we are destined to be together.

Listen up! I only teach this class

for the free trip to Filthydelphia.

I look forward to it all year.

I'm counting on you kids to be cool.

Woo! That's strong!

This is my boy Marty.

Normally, I'd have some
teachers or parents chaperone,

but lucky for you, Marty is in town

and he's looking to get out of town.

[DING!]

And now attendance.

I... I see, uh, Milk Girl.

There's, uh, Milk Girl's Little Friend.

And, uh, yeah.

Y-Y-Y-You know what?
It... It looks like you're all here.

If you're here, just get on the bus!

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[SLURPING]

'Scuse me! 'Scuse.

Sorry! Coming through!

Um, what do you think you're doing?
I'm sitting here.

STEVE: AHHH!

Unh! Aaah!

Don't freak out. It's vintage.

This fox has been dead
for like years.

I wear it to remind me of my grandma.

She was a stone-cold fox.
Still is actually.

And what a bitch. I really admire her.

I can't believe it!

That my grandma is my best friend?

What? No.

I was supposed to be sitting
next to a girl up there.

I had the perfect plan.

We were gonna fall in love on this bus.

Well, your "perfect plan"
had a fatal flaw...

love doesn't exist.

Anyway, hi. I'm Ali.

Well, I'm Steve.

And that's insane.
Of course love exists.

No, it doesn't.

It does, and it conquers all.

Me and that girl up
there are soul mates.

Which girl?

The girl drinking milk.

What's her name?

"What's in a name?" Shakespeare.

So you don't even know her name.

You're distracting me.
I have to do something!

- Something embarrassing?
- I'm writing a note

asking her out on a date
once we get to Philly.

Smart move... weird and embarrassing.

Pass this up to Milk Girl.

I can't believe I get to watch this.

Believe it, honey.

That's a ghost pepper.

AAAAHHHH!

Help! Somebody help me!

[INHALER HISSES]

[GASPING]

[RETCHING]

[STEVE RETCHING]

Hi, Steve! How's it going back there?

I need a drink! Please! AAAHHH!

Heh! Nice try, kid!

You're an amazing chaperone.

[PANTING]

Ugh! Ahh...

Hunh!

Well, my life is over.

So, she got your note.

She says... yes.

♪ Love conquers all! ♪

We actually never met Milk Girl,

but we've adjusted our
wills to include her.

PRODUCER: Oh, we were hoping you
could tell us how you two met.

Us? He picked me up
on the side of the road.

Anyway, back to Milk Girl.

She's a tenth grader...

BOTH: Drinks a [BLEEP] ton of milk.

ROGER: ♪ Bada BA ♪

♪ Bada BA ♪

♪ Bada BA ♪

♪ Bada BA ♪

God, I love Philly!

Philly is the Paris of America.

Yo! Wha kinda steak dja'get?

Wiz wit plus peetzer?

Mm. Ye lookit dem jawns.

ROGER: Mm, the food,
the language, just gorgeous.

I can't believe people
wonder why I do this.

♪ Bada BA ♪

♪ Bada BA ♪

♪ Bada BA... ♪

Thanks for meeting me.

The janitor told me this spot
had the most romantic view

of the Holiday Inn across the street.

Got milk? Heh. Why, yes, I have.

So, I've been watching you,
not in a creepy way,

and I know I don't "know" you,
but I feel like I do,

and I hope you won't mind me
saying so, but...

- I love you.
- Oh, my God, Steve. Of course you do.

And you do know me. And you do love me.

Because...

I'm Reese Witherspoon.

What?

This is so great!

- It is?
- Yes!

I had to go undercover
as a high-school student

to prove to the studio I could
still play a -year-old.

They said if a boy asks me on a date

and says he's in love with me,
they would make the movie!

So thank you, Steve.

You single-handedly greenlit
"Election : Omaha Drift."

Wait. Do you even like milk?

I hate milk.

I'm just a really good actress.

Oh, my God!

REESE: I also do my own stuuunts!

How did I meet babe?

Well, actually it's a great story.

How did we meet, babe?

You don't remember how we met?!

Okay. Here's how we met.

Did we meet at a Braves Game?

Who are these people?

[HORN HONKS]

And then Reese Witherspoon
just jumped off the roof.

This is crazy!

Have you seen these?!

What even are these?

You grab one, you get like .

Philadelphia is full of wonders.

[CELLPHONE BUZZING]

Oh, my God. My parents keep calling me.

What am I gonna tell them?

I went to Philly and
didn't fall in love?

I think that girl in the fur
coat threw something at you.

[GIGGLING]

Hey! You! What are you throwing?!

- Eggs.
- There's eggs?!

Okay. This I gotta see.

Sorry. I was just, like,

trying to hit you in the
face with all those eggs.

That's not an apology.

PRINCIPAL LEWIS: Everyone shut up!

Marty is missing! So is the bus.

Here is a napkin with some
places I think we were at.

Pass it around, take a photo,
commit it to memory,

w-whatever you have to do.

Here's the plan... buddy system.
That's all I got.

Whoever you are standing next to

is your partner for
the rest of the trip.

Do not separate. Do not lose each other.

I'm still rolling my face off.

It goes without saying that everything

we were supposed to do is cancelled.

I don't want to hear that you
guys were at the Liberty Bell

or Betsy Ross' house or some sh*t.

You have one objective...
find my friend!

Whoever finds Marty gets an "A,"

and whoever doesn't find him gets an
"F"!

Move, move, move, move, move!

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

I don't even know
where Reese Witherspoon

was hiding the parachute.

So you're, like, dramatic, huh?

- That's your thing?
- That's your takeaway?

Don't you think my story's insane?!

I once saw Gwyneth
Paltrow sunbathing naked

on top of a moving car.

Actresses are cool.

Can I tell you what your problem is?

That'd be perfect. Why don't you?

You have high expectations
and you think things matter.

But nothing matters.

"Nothing matters."
Will you listen to yourself?

If we don't find Lewis' friend,
we'll get F's in the class.

That doesn't matter to you?

Now you're getting it.

- [SQUISHING]
- Oh, no! Gum!

There's gum on me! Who would do this?!

This is what I mean when
I say you're dramatic.

I really thought I was in love,

but she was never even an option.

Are you right? Is love not real?

It's good you found out now.
Some people never learn.

Oh, man.

How are we gonna find Marty?

I'm a heartbroken child
in a strange land!

Calm down, Dame Judi Dench.

My family moved to Langley last year,
but I'm from Philly.

This is my town. Hand me that napkin.

Oh, cool.
My dad's favorite strip club is on here.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

- Hi. Hello.
- Yao. What can I get you?

Um, I'm hoping you could help me.

Ye, ye, aright. Wit or wit-out?

I, uh... I'm sorry.
I don't speak the language.

I'm looking for a large drunk gentleman!

Okay. Ye need to get yaself
sorted and stop yellin' at me.

I'm so sorry. It's just that...

I don't have a chaperone
or a partner or a bus.

[SNIFFLES] And I don't know anything!

And I'm all alone! [SOBBING]

Oh, oh. Don't cry, dude. I'll help ya.

Lou! I'm taking the rest of the day off!

Anne Marie, I swear to Christ if
you do this again you're fired!

What did you say ta me?

[GRUNTING]

♪ Ahh ♪

[GRUNTING]

♪ Now I don't hardly know her ♪

[LOU GRUNTING AND SCREAMING]

♪ But I think I could love her ♪

[NEEDLE BUZZING]

He's used the same needle
for the last five people.

It's fine. We're sisters.

So, the guy you're lookin' for

got his belly button
pierced around : a.m.

And then he drank a
bunch of ink and ran out.

Cool.

[NEEDLE BUZZING]

Does your chest tattoo say
"[BLEEP] Dallas"?

Yeah. Cowboys can suck my [BLEEP].

[CLANG]

So, when are we gonna

start looking for my principal's friend?

Yo, snot,
whaddaya think happens when you die?

- I don't know.
- Well, I do.

My uncle Jimmy fell off the level

at the old Veterans Stadium
trying to reach a foul ball.

He was legally dead for four minutes.

- [CLANG]
- You know he got that ball, though.

Anyways,
he says what happens when you die

is you sit in a room waiting for God

to tell you if you were a
big enough Phillies fan.

Ohh. I didn't know that.

I feel like I could tell you anything,
Snotter.

I'm really glad you're my boyfriend.

- I am?!
- Uh, you bet your tits you are.

[GASPS]

[SIREN WAILING]

We've been almost everywhere on the list

and have no useful information.

Here's what we do know...

you're obsessed with the little napkin.

I am not obsessed with the napkin.

You're in a strip club,
and you haven't taken your eyes off it.

These women are off-duty.
They deserve their privacy.

So, they were here around midnight,
but got kicked out pretty fast.

I guess they kept
trying to pay for drinks

with a fake credit card?

It wasn't even a credit card.
It was a sticker of a cat.

They wanted to donate plasma?

No, they came in looking to get plasma.

They were very clear about
not wanting to donate any.

They did, however, want to donate sperm.

Not something we do here,
but before I could answer,

one of them had relations
with our mail chute.

This is so stupid!
We're never gonna find this guy!

Aah!

Aah! Unh! I give up.

I know a great place to eat close by.

It's not on the napkin, though,
so you probably don't wanna go.

Screw the napkin. Nothing matters.

Hey, can you give me
a ride to New York City?

Or Washington, D.C.?

Or maybe we could go
skiing in the Poconos!

Philadelphia... three hours
away from a lot of great stuff.

[DING!]

This place is the best.

I used to come here all
the time with my friend.

It's probably the spiciest
restaurant in Philly.

Can you handle it?

I'm a new man. Bring it on.

Speaking of spicy, check them out.

[BOTH MOANING]

Oh, my God.

[MOANING STOPS]

Whoa. Hey, Ali.
What are you doing in town, bud?

Umm... we... uh...

We're on a field trip.

Oh, man. That sounds lame.

What up? I'm Darix, and this is Royce.

I'm his girlfriend!

We just said "I love you"
for the first time!

[BOTH MOANING]

See, Ali? Love is real. [SLURPING]

We're celebrating at our
fave spicy restaurant.

We love spicy stuff.

Well, have a good... field trip.

They seem fun. How do you know Darix?

He's... my ex-boyfriend.

Well, not "boyfriend" because he...

We don't believe in labels. Or love.

Do you want to leave?

We can't just leave.

It will look like I'm upset.
And I'm not. [CHUCKLES]

[VOICE BREAKING] I'm actually
really happy for him.

♪♪

Steve, don't! That's a Carolina Reaper!

[CRUNCH, FLAMES RUSH]

AAAAAAHHH!

[VOMITS] Ow! Ow!

I'll have what he's heaving.

Hey. I know you ate that pepper for me.

You think I liquefied my insides

just to get you out of that restaurant?

No way.

That hospital was on the napkin,

and I'm obsessed with the napkin, so...

I'm sorry you had to
throw up and have diarrhea

all over the place.

I prefer to think of it as
throwing up and throwing down.

[LAUGHS] Take my coat.
You must be freezing.

No way. I love this dress.
It's nice on me.

Don't be an idiot. Take it.

♪♪

♪ Crimson and clover ♪

♪♪

♪ Over and over ♪

♪♪

My queen,
why are we hot-wiring a cop car?

Because we ain't got the keys, ya dope!

[ENGINE STARTS, SIREN WAILS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

I saw this raisin in in the lobby

of the Ambassador Hotel in Chicago.

It was just sitting there on the floor.

And I thought it was a bug.
But, no, it was a raisin!

And now it's my raisin.

Guys, I'm sorry
I didn't call back sooner.

It's been a really wild hours.

Why are we still talking to you?!
Put Milk Girl on!

Actually I have some bad
news about Milk Girl.

You're scaring us, Steve!

She's gone. She was...

What the hell do you mean "gone"?!

How could you let this happen, Steven?!

- She was...
- We were gonna invite her to Christmas!

We made a jacket for her that says

"Milk Girl is in Our Family Now"!

Sorry? I-I didn't ask you to do that.

Dad drained our pool
and filled it with milk!

What are we supposed to do with
a pool full of milk, Steve?!

- [STAN SOBBING]
- Umm, guys, I got really high

and I accidentally ordered
a truck full of cereal,

and it just got here,
and I don't know what to do.

I tried to eat it, but it's just so dry!

Steve, it looks like everything
just might work out after all!

Get the giant spoon, honey!

I'm workin' on it.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- I couldn't sleep.
- I couldn't either.

I just can't stop
thinking about that kiss.

Me neither! It was absolutely...

A mistake, right? I mean, that's not us.

That's not who we are.
It obviously didn't mean anything.

So I think we should just forget it.

Plus, it was unprofessional. You agree.

[POUNDING] Everyone wake up!

Where is Marty?! What the hell, guys?!

If you don't find him by : a.m.,
you're all expelled!

And I'll also k*ll you.

I'll start k*lling one of you

every five minutes until he is found.

Starting... now.

I was just sneakin' to my cousin's room!

♪♪

- [SIREN WAILING]
- I freakin' love you!

I freakin' love you, too!

♪♪

I guess you've never
heard of Tasty Cakes,

or you would have thought
that was really funny.

Steve, it seems like you're
trying to be really quiet.

[SHAKILY] I'm not trying. I'm just...

ROGER: ♪ Bada BA ♪

- [STEVE WAILING]
- ♪ Bada BA ♪

Oh, look. Steve's running and crying.

♪ BaNaNa NaNaNa ♪

♪ BaNaNa Na-Na Na-Na ♪

♪ Ba-Baaaaa! ♪

[TIRES SCREECH]

Steve! Oh, my God! I'm in love!

That's great, man.

Don't worry, buddy.
We're calling for backup!

Dispatch, we got a kid
smooshed between two vehicles.

He looks more jacked up than
the Phillie Phanatic tattoo

my cousin Donovan gave me under the
bleachers at the Mummers Parade. Over.

- Steve! Are you okay?!
- Not really.

I knew it!
You were being really quiet before.

Well, now I'm hurt more than before,
like, physically,

but I was hurt emotionally first.

When someone tells me a
kiss we had was a mistake,

it... it bums me out.

You're one of the kids
I met a couple days ago!

And I know what you're thinking,
but I'm not being dramatic,

I'm just being real.

You say you don't have
any feelings at all

and that nothing matters,
but it's an act!

You're the Dame Judi Dench, not me.

I like you.
I know that's not a cool thing to say,

but I'm not a cool guy.

And if you don't like me back,
I can take it.

But you have to tell me how you feel.

[DOORS CLOSE]

Steve, let's talk about this later.

No! Nobody touch me!

I'm not going to the hospital

until you tell me how you feel about me.

Fine. I like you.

Marty! He's back! Ha ha ha!

You thought he was dead!

Crying in your room all night. Ha ha!

I think everyone learned
a valuable lesson...

Marty always comes through!

When we first met, we hated each other.

I didn't hate you.
I just thought you were a dork.

And then Milk Girl
was Reese Witherspoon,

and we became friends.

And we're still just friends.

I know you like me. You said it.

- I'm not sure I ever said that.
- She said it.

You were smooshed
between a bus and a car.

I was, I was.

You were refusing medical attention.

Yes, yes, that too.

Anyway, she's a tenth grader,
and I'm still in ninth grade,

so I'm not allowed to make eye
contact with her in school,

but in a couple of years,
we'll both be upperclassmen,

so we'll see how it plays out.

Yeah. I guess we'll see.

♪ Ahh ♪

♪♪

Bye-bye! See you soon!