11x07 - The Devil Wears a Lapel Pin

[bunniefuu]

You don't have to do this.
I'll tell you anything you want.

You look great in that dress.
You don't look fat at all.

You made your point, Francine!

I hope you enjoyed
your kidnapping.

That was just my fun way
to give you some exciting news.

You've been elected

to be in charge of this year's
C.I.A. calendar!

Really?
I can't believe it.

And to be clear, I pissed myself
out of happiness just now,

not during
the kidnapping thing earlier

that -- that wasn't scary.

As you know, our calendar

is the C.I.A.'s number-one
fundraiser.

Selling calendars pays
for everything around here,

including
printing the calendars.

It's an enormous expense.

Now be a dear
and help me with this.

These are the steroids
officially endorsed

by MTV's "Real World Road Rules
Challenge."

As per usual,

I will be absolutely ripped
for my July spread.

This is the photo proof book.

You'll store all your photos
and negatives in here.

Guard this with your life.

And also, it likes to wear this
tiny, little jacket on Sundays.

- It does?
- Well,I like it to.

Just give this your all, Stan.

You don't want
to mess up the calendar,

or you'll never live it down.

What?
My calendar wasn't that bad.

It was just 12 pictures of some
lady taken through her blinds.

She had those big boobs!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the american race ♪

♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ good --
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

I just felt so aimless.

I was in a rut, Francine.
You get that.

I do.
You know, once, I was in --

I was telling a story!

Can I finish one story
one time?!

Thank you!

After a ton of soul searching,
I found my new passion --

getting my degree
in Criminology.

I'm so happy
you're going to college.

Can I go to school today?

You know, if you tried harder
in high school,

maybe you could go to college
like Roger.

I'm missing my psats right now!

Steve, you need to get serious
about school.

Me, I worked my ass off
for this.

Good for you, Roger.

The name is Jeremy Neiderhoff,
college freshman.

Neiderhoff!

It's really great

when you find something
you're passionate about.

I'm happy for you,
but I'm also a little jealous.

You know,
I never went to college.

And look at you now --
driving someone else to college.

Wow.

I got a Discovery card!

Whoo!

Look at all these cool things
you can buy

with your Discovery card points!

Wow, look at this jacket!

Francine, I quit college
to focus on my new passion --

getting this jacket.

Roger, it's really great

when you find something
you're passionate about.

I'm happy for you.

But I'm also a little jealous.
I never owned a --

You never owned a satin
credit-card jacket. I know.

Have I told you
that story before?

Uh, yeah.
Beep, beep. Let's go.

Sir, thank you
for getting me an assistant.

Don't thank me.
Have your assistant do it.

Asher! I wanted the water
room-temperature

but not this room.
I meant a slightly colder room.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I-i'll get an ice cube.

That's your generation,
isn't it?

An ice cube will fix everything.

Well, not this time.
You're fired.

But before you go,
bring me an ice cube.

That does sound nice.

Sir, I'd like you to meet
the newest member of the C.I.A.,

which makes him eligible
for the C.I.A.'s calendar --

Agent Tyrese Gibson.

Thank you for this opportunity.

Now, I've been reviewing
some files,

and I think I have a lead on
a t*rror1st att*ck on U.S. soil.

Your eyes --
they are mesmerizing.

Can I put a shirt on?

I don't think you understand
why we brought you here.

This is Dustin,
my new assistant.

He's a flincher.

Two for flinching.

Germs!

How dare you not dive in front
of the proof book to protect it.

It's like you don't believe
in this, or me.

You've got bad energy, Dustin.

All day, you've been
silently judging me.

You're fired.

Whoa. You think your dad
would hire me?

'Cause I don't have
a lot going on

since I lost my frisbee
in that scary bush.

It'd be hell to work for my dad.

He has never once said
I did a good job.

When I was a kid,

my dad would always take me
to the same beach.

So for father's day, I drew him
a picture of our beach.

My bedtime story that night

was a 45-minute critique
of my drawing.

Well, if it were me,

I would have drawn it
on a single piece of paper.

I did. He tore it up.
That's how critical he is.

And that day, I vowed
that if he ever made anything,

I'd ruin it.

And I forgot about that vow
for a long time

'cause, you know,
I had other stuff going on.

But now it's back
with a vengeance.

Oh! So you're gonna try
to ruin his calendar thing.

"Oh!"

Yeah. I'll become his assistant,

and I'll help him
make the calendar.

And then when
he's feeling all good about it,

I'll destroy it!

Babe, you're scaring me
more than the scary bush.

Neiderhoff!

How was school today, Steve?

You know I didn't go.

I watched you and mom
drink two bottles of wine,

and now we're here,
and mom's sleeping in the car.

So, you want to go
watch your mommy sleep

or help me break in
my Discovery card?

I thought this was a stupid
choice when you said it,

but I get it now.

10 more minutes,
then we go shopping?

Ooh, I'm sorry.

We don't accept Discovery card.

We do take Visa, Mastercard,
American Express,

Diner's Club, Traveler's checks,

even a gentleman's agreement
to come back and pay tomorrow,

but no Discovery card.

What?!
Let's get out of here, Steve.

This place smells like farts,
anyway -- or it's about to.

Is there a store here that sells
paper towels and underwear?

Discovery card at a tumi store?

You have to be kidding me.

This is tumi.

Tu-mi.

Sorry. Geez.

Tuuumiiiii!

I guess Discovery card isn't
as widely accepted as I thought.

Oh, you must be
the Discovery card people

I've been hearing about.
Right this way.

I think I know
what you're looking for.

Steve, are you seeing this door?

Please, sir,
don't make this difficult.

I'm going. I'm going.

Aah!

I guess I'll never get
that Discovery card jacket.

Psst.

I know a place
that takes Discovery card.

Hayley, I don't know why
you wanted this job,

but I hope you're motivated
enough to handle it.

Oh, I'm plenty motivated.

What was that?

I thought I heard you say
something pointedly,

like you were plotting
to take someone down,

someone close to you,
someone completely oblivious.

- Nope.
- Okey-dokey.

Oh, my god.
This is quite a production.

Don't pretend
like you didn't know

the C.I.A. calendar
is a huge deal.

I don't think anyone
outside the C.I.A. knows.

You mean the muggles?

We're all set up to sh**t
"January" with Jackson.

What?! No!

Every year, Bullock goes
overboard with the steroids.

We do july first and then
drop him off in the woods

so he can work off
his aggression in isolation.

Bullock love body!

Muscle powder!

All right, people, we're only
gonna get one of these.

Bullock doesn't like the flash.

Lightning box!

Aah!

Heads up.

I said heads up.

Hayley, you saved my life.

And ruined the perfect sh*t.
Way to go.

Wha-- what are you doing?

It's called a slow clap.

Notice the speed
my hands are moving.

That's how sarcastic I'm being.

Come on, Hayley.
Throw him a good one.

- I'm hitting him in the chest.
- With the pointy part!

Why don't we just photoshop
a ball into his hands?

Only amateurs use photoshop.

You don't know
what photoshop is, do you?

I don't have to know
what something is

to not like it.
You think I know what hummus is?

Stan, listen.

I've been tracking the
t*rrorists' cellphone chatter,

and I think it's time
to go undercover.

Sure, sure. Whatever.
Release the bull!

Beautiful.

Hayley, get this bull
out of here.

Not so fast.

You're a clown.
Make us laugh.

Um...

Aah!

I di--
I didn't think she could do it.

Uh, we've already been
to this mall.

No one takes Discovery card.

Oh, we're not going here.

For us Discovery card people,

this is our mall.

Starting...

right now, this is our mall.

This mall has remained untouched
since the '80s.

It's perfect.
How can we ever repay you?

Actually, I host this singer-songwriter
night - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- Uh-huh.
- At the Coffee Cabana on...

And a little for Roge.

Let's get shopping!

A shower thermometer?

This will eliminate
all the guesswork.

Look at me, Steve.
I'm like a jockey...

who came four times!

Whoa!

I can't see it.
I can't se--

Ohh!

It's a f*cking classic car.

It's coming right out
of the f*cking poster!

These are compliments
of the gentlemen in the booth.

- The California raisins!
- The California raisins!

- We're cursed to live forever!
- We're cursed to live forever!

The calendar is done.

Hard to believe
that this proof book

holds my entire vision inside.

This must be what it's like
to hold a baby you love.

What are you doing
with my baby?!

Um, I-I was just gonna
lock it up in the safe.

Ah, good.
That's where babies go.

It's here!
Steve, it's here!

As good as it looks
on the outside

is how scratchy it feels
on the inside.

You can tell
the stitching is fishing line.

It's perfect.

My Discovery card bill.

Rag, take me away.

Oh, sh*t, bro.

The A.P.R. on this card
is terrible.

What are you gonna do
about this bill?

You'll -- you'll never be able
to pay it back.

I'm gonna ask
for a moment of silence,

because Jeremy Neiderhoff
is dead.

Now I got to call
Mrs. Neiderhoff.

Oh, there's someone
on the other line, Claire.

It's probably Jeremy.

Hello?

Nooooo!

Jeff, I got his book!

Here.
Now I'm gonna go get my dad,

and the moment
we walk in the door,

you set the book on fire.

The photo book.

What other --

Yes, the photo book.

I knew it.

I can't wait to see
the look on his face

when all his hard work
goes up in smoke.

His hard work is in the book.

Dad, can you come upstairs
for a sec--

Hayley, I wanted to discuss
your performance this week.

And how disappointing I've been?

I've been really impressed.

What? R-really?

You worked your ass off.

Don't think I haven't noticed.

You've done a good --
no, a great --

no, a good job.

And I'm proud of you.

Did he -- did he just say...?

♪ The greatest words
that a girl could hear ♪

♪ well, my dad just spat 'em
right into my ear ♪

♪ I've been waiting
for years and years to hear ♪

♪ my dad, he's proud of me

Pose!
♪ I did a good -- no, great

♪ no, good job

♪ I did a good -- no, great

♪ no, good job

♪ I did a good -- no, great

♪ no, good job

♪ my dad and I
have had rough patches ♪

♪ that's why Jeff's upstairs
with a book of matches ♪

Oh, sh*t!

Don't worry. I got this.

♪ My name is Klaus, and I --

I-I, uh, uh -- oh, dang.

Say something. Anything.

I k*lled two teenagers!

♪ I k*lled two teenagers

♪ I was hammered on bourbon
as I took a turn ♪

♪ then ditched the car
as my passenger b*rned ♪

Oh, wait.

♪ I k*lled three teenagers

♪ three teenagers

♪ I k*lled three teenagers

Don't tell anyone.

Jeff, don't!

Burn, baby, burn!

Roast in the flames of revenge,
Mr. "S."

Put out the book.
Put out the book!

- What?
- The water!

I'm on it, babe.

What are you doing?!

I'll pee out the fire.

You could have just
used the --

Babe, you know this thing
doesn't work when you talk.

The whole book is destroyed.

For the first time in my life,
my dad is proud of me,

and I spoil everything
in five minutes.

He can't find out
this proof book is ruined.

I have to fix this.

Babe, I don't think
this is fixable.

Maybe I can re-create
the whole calendar.

I mean, I-if I take new photos
of the agents,

I can photoshop them
into the old backgrounds.

Will you help me?

Is that a yes?

Yeah.

Oh, god! Oh, god!

Beautiful!

This is gonna work!

Neiderhoff!

Goodbye, old friend.

You b*rned too brightly
for this world.

Mom, that's not
funeral behavior.

You're not funeral behavior!

We've got company.

We're from Discovery card.

It's standard practice
to inspect the body

when there's a large
outstanding balance.

He's ready now.

Ugh! God, the smell!

He must have been dead
for weeks.

Oh, I almost forgot.

This funeral was paid for
on the card,

which earned Mr. Neiderhoff
this Discovery card beach towel.

Yay!

Thank you. He would have wanted
to be buried with it.

I'll be the coolest guy
at the beach.

Smith, enjoy your big night,

because tomorrow
we put away the calendar

and start to focus on the
C.I.A.'s big night of magic!

That was supposed to be
a smoke pellet.

Hayley, did you remember
to bring my lapel pin?

Don't worry.
I have it right here.

Wait, this is the wrong pin.

This is a big night.
I asked for my big-night pin.

My big-night pin is bigger.
It has star-shaped stars.

These are dot-shaped stars.

There were so many
on top of the dresser.

Uh, may-- maybe I should have
brought them all.

You think?! I can't believe I
said you were doing a good job.

You ruined this night

by making it all about
bringing the wrong pin.

Mr. "S," Hayley didn't ruin
this night for you.

She saved it.

Jeff, are you out of your mind?
This night is a disaster!

Dots.

Dots are too good for you.

You take that back!

I won't.

You're a big jerk!

For your information,
I destroyed your proof book,

and Hayley worked her butt off
to re-create the whole calendar.

She did it because she knew how
big of a deal this was for you.

All she wants is your approval,

and all you ever do
is cut her down.

I'm motivating her to be better.

Your daughter
is already amazing,

and it's sad you've never
been able to see that.

- Jeff?
- Oh, hey, Mr. "S"!

I need your help.

Dad, w-what are you
doing here?

I'm here to say I'm sorry.

Did Jeff tell you
about the calendar?

Yeah, but what I'm sorry about
is this.

I should never
have torn this up.

It's a beautiful picture.

For a kid.

Thanks, Dad.

But you're missing
your big night.

Jeff's got it covered.

This is January.

He's a football man,

and he goes really fast.

Next slide.
Oh!

I wasn't here when she did this one,

but it looks like a guy washing his truck.

Maybe it was dusty or...

- Next slide...
- No one's asking you to do this!

Oh, this guy was really nice.

Wait, I think I was there for the last one.

- Previous slide?
- Sit down, you Yutz!