Mom's Got a Date with a Vampire (2000)

[bunniefuu]

[Horse whinnies]

[horse whinnies]

welcome to the castle of count krelski.

Release her, you monster!

You fool.

She cannot hear you.

Your precious maria is in my power now.

Maria, my darling, come to me.

Our love is more powerful than a vampire's trance.

Come to me.

Come to me, maria.

[Screaming]

true love.

How quaint.

You've forgotten one thing, krelski.

Krelski: no, victor.

It is you who have forgotten.

[Wolves howling] listen.

Listen to the night, and hear a song that will chill your soul.

[telephone rings]

[ring]

aah.

Run, maria. Run! [Ring]

hello.

Hi, peter. I was hoping you'd call.

Could you do that somewhere else?

Thanks.

Hey, come on. This is the revenge of count krelski.

No, it's not.

It's the revenge of chelsea hansen.

[Growling]

so what are you doing?

No. It's just my dumb brother watching some vampire movie.

Both: do you think a mere mortal can stand up to me?!

To count krelski?!

Why should I go upstairs?

Adam should go upstairs.

Both: prepare to meet your doom.

Prepare to meet your doom.

Mom: hey, kids. Sorry it took so long getting home.

Adam.

Mom.

Hey, come on. That was just getting good.

thank you.

You're welcome. Is that peter?

It most certainly is.

Mom: could you tell him you'll call him back after you've finished your

homework.

I gotta go. My mom's home.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me you're watching the movie.

Adam said it was ok.

You know taylor's scared of monsters.

No, I'm not.

That's just where I like to sit.

I just don't want you to have any nightmares, honey.

Adam: see, that's the thing.

I believe that watching the revenge of count krelski is an effective way for

taylor to come to terms with his fear.

As far as I am concerned, that is a pg movie.

That means guidance from me...

The parental...

Or whatever.

Do you want to help me make dinner?

Yeah. Ok.

All right, you two, homework, upstairs, now.

Moms. Moms.

Kids.

vampires.

Cool.

[Knock on door]

um...

Come in.

Hey, have you got a minute?

Uh, yeah. Just doing my homework.

I've got some news.

What's up?

Well, see, honey, when people get divorced--

hey, is that dad's wedding invitation?

You knew?

Oh, yeah. He told me last weekend when he took me to the football game.

Well, what about your brother and sister?

Yeah, they know, too.

Taylor's bringing in the rings or something.

Didn't you know?

No, I didn't.

Well, I guess I rehearsed that speech for nothing.

Dinner'll be ready in 10.

Mom?

You're still the b*mb.

Is that good? Yeah.

Thanks.

saturday night. Are you up?

What's saturday night?

Hello? The harvest festival.

I don't know. I mean, I guess.

You guess?

Are you kidding?

The headless horsemen are playing.

Yeah, but that's been sold out for weeks, man.

Didn't I tell you?

My brother thinks he can get us tickets.

No, you didn't tell me.

Oh, yeah. He's answering phones at the radio station now.

Just saying maybe.

Dude! Just maybe.

[School bell rings]

see you after class.

Yeah, I heard about that.

See you after class.

All right, guys. Let's talk homework.

Since it was only a one-page essay, I am going to assume that you all did it.

Who's got something they'd like to read in front of the class?

All the usual suspects.

Ok, hands down.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's go off the map to a country we haven't heard from

in a while.

"who I admire most,"

an essay by adam hansen.

Uh, can--can I take a rain check?

I've still got some problems, you know, just with the way it flows.

Adam, I'm sure it flows just beautifully.

Yeah. Right.

Adam: all right.

[Clearing throat]

"are vampires real?

"There are those who believe they are.

"What if vampires walk the earth?

"Who can stop them?

"One man--

"malachi van helsing, "a noted hematologist

"who abandoned his thriving new york city practice

"to devote his life to hunting down the undead, "the vampires that van helsing

himself believes walk among us."

Are you making this up?

No. It's right here in the weekly secret.

See?

Oh, yes, I see. Right beside the story of the baby who was raised by orangutans.

Right. Yeah.

Dude, I heard you pulled out a copy of the weekly secret in your history class.

Yeah, so?

Just 'cause you read something in the weekly secret doesn't mean it's not true.

actually, it kinda does, adam.

Whatever.

So what happened with your brother?

Are we going to the show?

The radio station?

The headless horsemen?

Oh! Right.

He didn't get the tickets.

He got us backstage passes!

Backstage passes?!

Yeah, my brother's driving.

Pick you up at 8:00.

Hi, mom.

Could you come in here for a minute, please?

Yeah, sure.

What's going on?

Sit down.

I just got off the phone with your history teacher, mrs. Cruson.

She told me that you didn't do your assignment and that you threw something

together based on a made-up story in the weekly secret.

I think we need to look at the bigger picture here, lynette.

Excuse me?

Since when do you call me lynette?

I'm just trying to dialog here.

you're 13 years old.

You don't dialog.

And the bigger picture is I told you to do your homework and you didn't do it.

I got a handle on it.

No, you don't. You're too young to have a handle on it.

I'm not a baby.

No, but you are a kid, and you're part of this family, and the rule in this family is

if you don't do your homework, you're grounded.

Mom!

Busted.

Just for the weekend.

But duffy got backstage passes to the headless horsemen concert!

Well, then I hope duffy did his homework.

No, I mean, duffy got me one, too.

Please may I have your permission to attend a once-in-a-lifetime musical event.

Can't talk your way out of this one.

Excuse me.

This is between your brother and me.

You know what? You're right.

I should be grounded.

Just not for this weekend, so tell you what.

Instead of grounding me for the weekend, ground me for the whole week--

no tv, no computer, no nothing.

We'll just start sunday. How's that sound?

Please?

sorry. That's the way it is.

[Sighs]

enjoy your weekend, dweeb. Grr.

You know what, chelsea?

Just for that remark, you're grounded, too.

But, mom, you can't.

I've got a date with peter tomorrow night.

Well, maybe if I lock the two of you up together, you'll learn to get along.

I am such a genius.

Don't you knock?

Lay off. Mom grounded me, too, remember?

Yeah, but I think I might have a way out of it.

What's on your mind?

Well, see, if we could get mom on a date tomorrow night, well, she'll go out,

then we'll go out, and we'll come home, then mom comes home.

I get to go to my concert, and, well, you get to go out with peter--

who, by the way, is a loser--

and, uh, mom never has to know.

Yeah, but mom hasn't been on a date since--

well, since she and dad split up.

Yeah, but look at all these ads.

There's got to be someone in here for mom.

And how are you gonna get to him before tomorrow?

Well, excuse me, chels, but isn't this the 21st century?

Every guy in here has an e-mail address.

you can't e-mail some guy you've never met.

Well, why not? I mean it's not like he's some creep in a chat room.

All these guys have come pre-checked by the newspaper.

Why don't I feel better about this?

All right, look. We'll find some guy and set up a meeting in public, or you can

just call up peter and tell him that you have to stay home all weekend to play

fish with your little brother.

Give me that.

Ok. Here's one.

"Caring, thoughtful male, "40, great sense of humor, "refined tastes, "easygoing

and...

Currently incarcerated."

What's "incarcerated"?

It means he's in jail.

Oh. Not good.

Um, wait a second.

"Continental gentleman, "handsome, debonair, suave, "enjoys long strolls

beneath a full moon.

"Loves adventure, "travel, wild animals, "and women who long for romantic

nights that will never end.

"Looking for delicate flower just waiting to blossom."

"Hates italian food and turtlenecks"?

Whatever. He's great.

Ok, so...

All right.

"Dear wolfsbane, "read your ad.

"we want you to meet our mom.

It's a surprise, so don't mention that we wrote you."

Lynette: adam, chelsea!

"Uh, she'll be at the foodmaster on sixth at 8:00."

Lynette: dinner's ready!

The market?

How are we gonna get mom to go to the market?

Just follow my lead.

[Computer beeps]

[computer beeps]

computer: you have received new mail.

[Computer beeps]

[man laughing]

look, I know you two are upset about being grounded, but it's not the end of

the world.

It's not that, mom.

It's just that I was thinking, you know, how our family used to be.

I'm remembering saturday mornings.

I'm remembering pancakes.

I'm remembering being happy.

I can make pancakes!

I have pancake mix and eggs and everything.

Do you have chocolate chips?

No.

I'm remembering we had chocolate chip pancakes.

We were all so happy then.

[Thunder]

taylor: hey, adam?

Can vampires come out in the rain?

Lynette: that's it.

I don't want to hear another word about vampires from this family.

You guys want to, uh--

ok. Whatever.

Adam: all right. If wolfsbane's here, we'll find him. You start in deli, and

remember, "suave, debonair, hates italian food."

[Wind howling]

come to papa.

You know what I hate?

I just can't stand italian food.

How about you?

Well, arrivederci.

Woman on p.a.: Price check on checkstand 4.

Price check on checkstand 4.

Really nice.

So, buddy.

You look like the type of guy who enjoys long strolls beneath the moonlight.

Am I right?

Yeah.

I'm talking about a fabulous night with an incredible woman.

Well, happy anniversary.

Guess that'd be a no.

You didn't find him?!

Well, did you?

Suave, debonair man of the world.

The guy was probably making the whole thing up.

Maybe not. Look.

That is so the guy.

Right. Come on.

All set? Actually, no.

We need to get one more thing.

What's that?

Well, we don't know, but it's around here.

Yeah. Come on.

Whoa!

So sorry.

Lynette: I'm so sorry. I didn't see you.

No, no. Entirely my fault. I do apologize.

No permanent damage done, I trust.

No, there's not. Um, mom, there's--

lynette: I don't know. Was this dented before?

Oh, uh, perhaps we should exchange driver's licenses.

Uh, no. Mom, there's something I really--

come on.

What about wolfsbane?

Can't you see what's going on?

Mom's making a love connection.

Are you crazy? This guy's a nut.

He thinks he's in the parking lot.

[Laughing]

he's flirting, you dweeb.

And mom's going for it.

Adam, chelsea, this is dimitri, uh--dentatos.

Right. Dentatos. It's romanian...

Or maybe hungarian.

So, dimitri, my mom's something, ain't she?

Smart, funny, beautiful.

You know, she used to sing in a rock-and-roll band.

Oh, is that so?

About a million years ago.

Chelsea: so, um, dimitri, come here often?

Dimitri: no, actually, I don't.

I'm new to the neighborhood.

I'm restoring the old mather house down by the lake.

Oh, man. That--that place is supposed to be haunted.

Oh, you'll have to excuse adam.

He's kind of got a thing about monsters.

dimitri: oh, really?

So did you see revenge of count krelski last night?

Actually...

No.

My mom, she--she made me turn it off.

Oh, well, I'm sure she had a good reason.

Thank you.

So, lynette, are you, uh, headed for the registers?

Didn't you guys want to get something else?

No. No. No. No.

No, uh, we're fine, though, so, uh, let-let's go.

Lynette: nice try, taylor.

[Pager beeping]

so you're a doctor?

That's right.

Trauma specialist in the emergency room.

Yeah, you know, between working nights and sleeping during the day, I barely

get a chance to grocery shop.

But you know what?

I'm glad I did.

[Dialing cell phone]

I'm busy. What is it?

I'm still looking.

All my readings indicate this location.

You know, lynette, I'm due some time off from the hospital, so...

what do doctors do on their time off?

Well, I can't speak for the medical profession as a whole, of course, but i--

I'm sorry. What am I saying?

You're married.

Oh, no, actually, I'm divorced.

Oh, really?

Well, in that case, would you do me the honor of having dinner with me

tomorrow night?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, you seem sort of...

Oh, what am I saying?

Why not?

I mean, I don't mean "why not" as in "I don't care,"

I mean "why not" as in "why shouldn't i?"

So can I take that as a yes?

Yes.

Good.

No, I am so close I can taste it.

There's a vampire in that market, and I'm gonna find him.

Lynette: that's it. I don't want to hear another word about vampires from this

family.

Chelsea: peter-head, we're totally on for tomorrow night.

We got my mom a date, that's how.

So what time are you gonna pick me up?

Forget what I said before, duffy.

I can go to the concert.

What?! How could you give my backstage pass to boomer?!

I know what I said before, but, I mean--

but--

we gotta meet.

No, you, me, and boomer.

Bye.

That's all I've got.

Well, it's not enough.

This is kid stuff.

How could you give my backstage pass to boomer?!

I thought you said you weren't going.

But here's what I don't get.

Why boomer?

I mean, he's a tenth-grader who hasn't done anything for us except take our

lunch money.

I figured this would be a step toward better playground relations.

Yeah. Me and duffy are friends now.

Come on, duff, let's go to the arcade.

Adam: wha--wait! I--

i--i happen to know you have a crush on a certain high school girl, who, until

now, you thought of as--as unattainable.

You got a crush on somebody?

Uh, what's unattainable?

Well, it means you didn't stand a chance, but consider this:

you--you happen to know her brother.

You can get me a date with chelsea?

You like chelsea hansen?

Come on. She is my sister.

Yeah, but it's got to be like a real date.

Like, uh, first we'll go to a kung-fu movie, and then we'll come back here for

burgers.

Done.

And, uh, I got to get to kiss her good night.

Oh, i, uh, I can't guarantee that.

Oh, well, then I can't guarantee this.

Ok, a kiss.

On the lips.

Ok. A kiss on the lips.

If a guy turns into a bat, he's a vampire, isn't he?

Yeah, that'd do it.

Is that bad?

Well, only if he's after you.

Then you're toast.

He turns you into toast?

No, he turns you into a mindless minion of the undead.

All right, look.

This vampire finds some pretty girl, then turns on his charm, and then when the

girl falls for him, he takes her home, puts her in a trance, then chomp!

But sometimes the wimpy hero-guy shows up and they start to fight.

and then if there's gonna be a sequel, the vampire gets away.

Wait!

What about the girl in the trance?

It's all about true love.

You know, it's like this girl just has so much love for this foofy-shirt hero guy,

that, well, she gets out of the trance.

Like that could beat a vampire.

I'm going backstage.

I don't believe it!

What did you have to do for boomer?

Oh, yeah, well, I'll tell you later.

How do you stop a vampire?

Oh, well, uh, don't invite him into your house or you could stab him with a stake

or you could steal their coffin and keep it till sunrise.

That's what happened in the house of frankenstein.

Well, kinda.

I'm not talking about a movie.

I'm talking a real-life vampire.

Real-live vampire, and, uh, you're gonna have to find a...

Vampire hunter.

Like this guy, malachi van helsing, but good luck finding him.

The newspaper calls him a mysterious, shadowy figure.

We got to call him.

Uh, mysterious shadowy figures don't have phone numbers.

We got to do something.

mom's got a date with a vampire!

Dimitri?

Ah, mom was right.

You shouldn't be watching monster movies.

But he turned into a bat!

I saw it!

I did. I di-- uh-huh.

Hi.

Hello, chelsea. How are you?

Hi, dimitri. How you doing?

You just gonna stand out there?

Please, come in, won't you?

Thank you.

Mom!

Uh, mr. Dentatos is here!

Would you excuse me for a moment?

Whoa, mom. You look great.

Oh, hi.

Dimitri's here.

Ok, well, I guess I better get this over with.

What's wrong?

The guy's a total babe.

No, he seems really great.

It's just that...

I can't do this.

Excuse me.

What's going on?

Mom's freaking out.

Mom's freaking out.

Everything's fine. You look great, and dimitri's nice. It's dinner time.

You're hungry, and I'm sure he is, too, so let's get going.

It's not that simple.

See, there's a time when you do stuff like this, and then there's a time when...

I don't know, it's just too late.

What do you mean too late?

Well, you make choices.

You get married. You work a job.

You raise kids. You get divorced.

And you become the kind of person who--

I mean, who doesn't date.

Who says?

Well, it's who I am.

That's not who you are.

That's what you've done.

Who you are is what's inside of you.

As long as you're true to that, nothing else matters.

Oh, yeah? Who told you that?

You did.

you say it all the time.

I mean, come on.

This is only the first date.

I'm sure it won't be too intense.

Let's hope not.

Oh, lynette, you look stunning.

Thank you.

Well, I think it's safe to say that I have a very nice evening planned.

I thought we'd start with dinner at renfield's on main street.

Then, uh, maybe some dancing, followed by a romantic carriage ride through

the park.

Or we could just go to the harvest festival for a couple of hours. Have you

been?

No! I mean, the harvest festival?

Come on, nobody there but a bunch of head-bangers going to a rock-and-roll

concert.

Lynette: oh, adam! It's great.

We could try to knock over some milk bottles and maybe win ourselves a great

big stuffed alligator.

Well, I think-- I think we'd be better off sitting in a horse-drawn carriage just

rolling softly through the moonlight.

Or bumper cars. I mean, same thing, basically.

Whatever. Why don't we start with dinner, and see where the evening takes us,

hmm?

Adam: so time's a-wastin'.

You two have fun now, ok?

Ok. You two be good.

where's taylor?

Oh, he said to say good-bye.

He's real busy upstairs.

Taylor, honey, we're going.

We won't be late.

Go ahead and be as late as you want.

Later! Stay out later than you want!

Show time.

Hi. Yeah. I need a number for...

Malachi van helsing.

Yes, I can spell that.

Excuse me one second.

One thing you learn in this business is people.

When you walked on to the lot, I said to myself, "this guy is here for one thing

and one thing only."

[Laughing]

may I borrow your clipboard, please?

Uh, sure.

Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

A gentleman was here tonight, about 6 foot, dark-haired, and he bought a car

with cash.

Yeah, yeah, h-he got one just like this, uh, but it was red.

Of course it was red.

Man on phone: this is malachi van helsing--

my mom's going out with a vampire!

We were at the market and I saw him turn into a bat!

I'll return your call as soon as I can.

Leave your name, address, and phone number after the beep. [Beep]

hi. This is taylor hansen.

I live at 1344 wedge lane.

He was looking for some place nice to eat.

Uh, I guess he had a date or something, huh?

Did you suggest a restaurant?

Well, I told him all the best joints are on main street.

Uh, glowing footprints-- that guy was a freak, wasn't he?

I knew that guy was a freak, I knew it!

Yo, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what about you? Huh? Test drive?

No, thank you.

[Cell phone beeping]

[garage door opening]

adam & chelsea: taylor, what are you doing?!

I'm going to save mom!

Save mom?

He thinks dimitri's a vampire.

A what?!

Don't worry. I'll get him.

If he finds mom, she's gonna come straight home.

You realize that, don't you?

taylor! Ugh!

Ugh!

Listen, I gotta go.

No, it's fine. I'll call you back.

What are you doing?

Like I'm going to trust you.

Ok, we've got like a half an hour to deal with this and then get back here.

No kidding.

[Piano playing]

so have you decided yet?

I have a confession to make.

What's that?

I think you've got the wrong woman.

How do you mean?

Well, I don't know. Just--you seem like the type of person who's probably been

everywhere in the world.

Well, I haven't been to the south pole.

[Both chuckle]

look, why don't you try the steak, hmm?

It's good for the blood.

The point is, you seem like you lead this romantic, exciting life and, well--

it's not who I am.

Lynette, if there's one thing I know, it's people.

Well, you don't know me. We just met.

No, that's true.

well, maybe I don't know who you are, but I do know who you could be.

And maybe, just maybe, that's what tonight is all about.

Maybe!

You know, if this had happened next summer, I could have driven.

Yeah, well, it didn't.

Come on, we're almost there, all right?

May I interest you in a bottle of wine?

I don't drink...wine.

I think we'll just stick with water for now.

Perhaps some garlic bread--

no! Thank you.

There he is! Come on.

Chelsea: what is with you?

I'm not going to let dimitri turn mom into an onion.

A minion! I told him that vampires turn people into minions of the undead.

Why am I not surprised that this is your fault?

[Sighs] come on, squirt. We gotta take you home.

Tiffany's probably waiting at the house right now.

You called a baby-sitter?

Come on, you like tiffany! You said so.

Yeah, besides, chelsea and I got places to go.

You're gonna let a vampire get mom just because you wanna go out?

All right, all right, look.

I'm the monster master, right?

yeah.

Vampires, werewolves, evil robots from space, I can spot them a mile off.

And dimitri is not a vampire.

You guys set this up so you could go out.

This was your fault!

Ok, so we did! So what, I mean--

it's not gonna k*ll mom to go on a date.

Yes, it is because dimitri's a vampire!

All right, look.

I'm gonna go in there and find out if this guy's really a vampire.

If he is, he's dead meat, and if he's not, you have to go home, put your jammies on,

and hang out with, uh, tiffany.

And not tell mom that we went out.

Do we have a deal?

Ok, deal.

You better know what you're doing.

Don't worry. I got it wired.

Come on.

[Dimitri speaking softly]

hey, mom, dimitri. How you guys going?

Lynette: what are you guys doing here?

Is everything ok?

Oh, everything's fine.

I just wanted to apologize for watching that movie last night.

I think it got to taylor.

he's a vampire.

A vampire? Who is?

It's my fault for letting him watch the movie.

He's got it in his head that, well, dimitri here is a vampire, which we all know he's

not, but instead of telling taylor here that he-he's crazy and give him a lifetime

of self-image problems--

we have to prove I'm not a vampire.

You know, maybe I should go home.

No! No, no, I mean, it's just that you can't because--

I think what adam's trying to say is if you go home now then taylor's gonna

spend the rest of his life thinking I was a vampire.

Right, right! We need some sort of test.

[Gravely] the spoon test.

The spoon test?

Right! The spoon test, right!

A vampire can't--uh--

that's right. Hang a spoon on his nose.

Right, right. The old transylvanian test.

Really?

So you mean you're gonna make me take the spoon test?

You've got no choice.

But--but if I'm really a vampire, then--

that's right. You'll explode into a million pieces.

The entire restaurant will be sprayed with your bloody chunks of vampire...

Festering...flesh.

Wow.

I think it's a chance we've gotta take.

Maybe I should get some extra napkins, just in case.

Hand me the spoon.

Sure. Right. This would be it.

[Adam sighs]

am I all right? Am I still here?

You're still here.

Oh, thank goodness!

There, you see?

I guess I'm not a vampire. [Chuckling]

ok. Sorry.

Are you sure you're ok, honey?

Yep. Everything's fine.

Fire's out. See, if you'd come home now, he'd feel terrible, wouldn't you? Of

course you would.

So, um, you know what, we're gonna leave.

So, bye, mom. Bye, dimitri.

You guys have fun. Good night and see you later--

[snickering] bye-bye!

Adam did the spoon test. Dimitri's not a vampire.

Yeah, we gotta go, taylor.

You were really good with the kids.

Well, I love children.

I think they're sweet.

Well, I wouldn't call my kids sweet, but they are good kids.

well, you've obviously done a very good job with them.

I don't know. Sometimes I'm not so sure.

Well, I am, lynette.

You know, I see a power in you, lynette.

No, no, maybe not a power.

More like a--a fire.

Just smoldering just beneath the surface.

I think it might be time to let that fire burn.

Hi, tiffany.

Hey, taylor-made. How's it going, kiddo?

Great.

Wait just a second. Bye, taylor, see you!

Can I put my bike away, please?

No.

What is with you anyway?

We have to get back to the restaurant.

Peter will be here in, like, 10 minutes!

Forget about peter! Dimitri's a vampire. I saw him.

I mean, I didn't see him.

In the mirror at the restaurant.

Yeah, right.

No, I'm serious! The guy didn't reflect in the mirror.

Just mom and nothing.

Come on. We gotta get her out of there.

if he was a vampire, wouldn't he be a little bit more...evil?

He's trying to make her fall in love with him.

If she goes to him willingly, then she's, well, his forever.

You're going to miss your concert and screw up my date.

If we don't do something, mom's had it!

Please, you've gotta believe me.

Well, I don't!

But what if I'm right?

Come on, chels.

I need you.

I hate you right now.

You know that, don't you?

I'm ok with that.

[Wolf howling]

that place was great. Thank you.

No, thank you.

So shall we?

There's more?

Well, of course. It just gets better.

Ok. Where to?

Well, I thought maybe we'd find some place quiet, enjoy the beautiful night.

Why don't we just walk a little? How does that sound?

No, I'm not making this up!

Yes, I know it's crazy.

ok, come on. They're going!

No way.

No way.

Ha ha! No way!

No way!

I win!

Hold on. No way.

Yes way! I got an 8, see?

You wanna play again?

No. Now, you really, really have to go to bed.

Ok. Good night.

Totally.

Totally!

Ha ha! Totally!

No way!

Are you malachi van helsing?

On a good day.

Do I know you?

I saw you in the market.

You wanna come in?

Uh, I should probably just stay out here.

It's ok.

I read all about you. I called you.

It's not like I don't know you.

totally.

Hey, tiffany!

This is malachi van helsing.

He's a vampire hunter.

Vampire hunter?

It's ok. I asked him to come over.

Taylor, you gotta go to bed now.

He has to go to bed.

Ok.

Ok.

Want a cookie?

Uh, no thanks.

My mom made them. They're really good.

Tiffany: totally!

I'm gonna save it for later, all right?

Now, this guy you called me about, did he meet your mother last night in a

supermarket?

Yeah, but dimitri's not a vampire.

Adam did the spoon test.

Oh, no.

That's why they went back.

That's why who went back?

My brother and sister.

They went after the vampire.

Why would they wanna do a thing like that?

he's got our mom.

Do you have any idea where they went, taylor?

Yeah! It's a place called rhinefeld's or something.

And they're going dancing.

Ok, thanks.

Wait! I wanna go with you.

[Chuckles] I'm sorry, kid, but I work alone.

It's my mom.

It's too dangerous.

I can help.

No, you can't.

That's the way it is.

Vampire hunter?

[Rockabilly music playing]

lynette: I don't believe it.

I can't believe this place is still here!

We have to go in!

Now, wait a minute. You wanna go in there?

Well, you said you wanted to go dancing.

Don't you like rockabilly music?

Uh, well, uh, yeah.

Of course i--i love rockabilly music.

All right, you wanna dance?

Come on, let's, uh, let's dance.

you like kids and rockabilly music.

I'm dreaming.

Come on.

Let's dance!

♪ Rock ten times hotter than an entire jalapeño ♪

♪ my pal and me, we're driving back to the states ♪

♪ she's complete, she's my picture-perfect craze ♪

♪ goonie bird, goonie bird, goonie bird rock ♪

♪ goonie bird, goonie bird, goonie bird rock ♪

♪ goonie bird, goonie bird, goonie bird, goonie bird ♪

♪ goonie bird, goonie bird rock ♪

now what?

Well, if I can get mom away from dimitri--

♪ goonie bird, goonie bird rock ♪ maybe I can get her out of there.

And just how do you propose to get inside?

Watch the bikes.

[Dancers cheering]

♪ something has been ailing you ♪

♪ I think I got the cure ♪

♪ so come take a little stroll with me ♪

♪ and we'll find out for sure ♪

♪ it's just what you're needing ♪

♪ to make you feel all right ♪

♪ make you a brand-new woman ♪

♪ by the end of the night ♪ how you doing, bob?

The name's jim.

Yeah, that's right. Jim. Jim. That's what they said.

Who said that?

Oh, just some girls in the back.

They're like, "oh, jim can't dance! Blah blah blah.

He's a loser! Blah blah."

You know, just stuff like that.

I dance all the time.

Well, it just looks like you're standing around.

But, see, right over there, there's a girl who really isn't dancing with anyone.

And, well--

oh, like they know anything, right?

Ahem! Excuse me, kid.

Yeah, see you.

♪ I've got a bad vaccine ♪

♪ it's a large prescription ♪

♪ and I'll need some air of priority ♪

♪ I've just got to take it ♪

♪ gets inside of you ♪ hi. I'm jim. Would you like to dance?

♪ I don't feel any different... ♪ Um--oh! This guy just asked me to dance.

Would you mind?

Well, of course I don't mind.

But you were leaving, weren't you?

what?

Oh! Whoa!

Oh. Seems he's changed his mind.

♪ It's a simple operation ♪

♪ I'd just love to show you how to groove ♪

♪ turn those lights way down low ♪

♪ and that's what I wanna do to you ♪

♪ ow! ♪

♪ Aw, give me! ♪

♪ It's not gonna hurt you ♪

♪ or make you run for the door ♪

it's quicker if you go left.

[Tires squealing]

what are you doing here?

I climbed out my window.

Go left up here. There's construction on third.

Listen, taylor, you gotta get out.

You can't just leave me on the street. I'm 8.

But you can't come with me.

I'm going after a real live--

a dead vampire. Do you get that?

It's my mom. Do you get that?

Look, I'm sorry, kid, I really am.

But I can't bring you with me.

I gotta drop you off, ok?

You can't. You're responsible for me now.

All right, look.

If I say duck, you duck.

If I say hide, you hide.

And if I say it's too dangerous--

it's too dangerous. I got you.

Put on your seat belt.

What's this?

Oops.

Hi. It's me.

You'll never guess where I am.

♪ And that's what I wanna do to you ♪

singer: hey, check this out!

Way back before most of you were digging this whole rockabilly scene, there

was a bunch of gals called cowgirl blues who used to tear this joint up.

I don't believe it!

One of the girls is here tonight.

If you're all real good and clap real loud, I'll bet we can get her up here.

Come on up, lynette, and belt one out for old times' sake.

Whoo!

Do you guys remember maybe?

Man: we love you!

♪ If you're asking if I'm in love, maybe ♪

♪ if there's someone I'm thinking of, maybe ♪

♪ was he the one I wish was mine? Maybe ♪

♪ hey! ♪

♪ If there's a chance he'd give me the time, maybe ♪

♪ there's a spotlight in your eyes ♪

♪ and it's got me hypnotized ♪

♪ I sit and wait for your call ♪ hey! You can't be in here.

Oh. That's my mom up there.

Really?

Lynette hansen is your mom?

Well, you're a lucky kid.

But you still gotta wait outside.

I'm going, it's just that--

there's this guy, been following my mom, stalking her actually.

He's not in here now, is he?

Yeah, he is.

He's right over there.

He's--he's kind of been worrying us.

You want him out of here?

Y-you'd do that?

For lynette hansen? You bet.

♪ There's a spotlight in your eyes ♪

♪ and it's got me hypnotized ♪

♪ I sit and wait for your call ♪

♪ but I have no doubt at all ♪

♪ maybe ♪ hey, slick.

♪ Maybe, yeah! ♪ Party's over. Get him out of here!

My brother's like obsessed with this vampire thing and--

and stay out.

[Panting]

we missed him, didn't we?

Hey, kid, we're just getting started, all right?

This isn't over yet, not by a long shot.

He said they were going dancing.

Dancing?

Where would you go around here if you wanted to dance?

How would I know? I'm 8.

Right.

[Music stops]

yeah!

What happened?

How did dmitri get back inside?

He, uh, he walked up the wall.

Is that a vampire thing?

Y-yeah, tha--that's a vampire thing.

'Cause dmitri's a vampire.

'Fraid so.

Who's gonna bite mom.

If he gets her alone.

all right. I'm on board.

What do we do?

What--what happened to the bikes?

Oh. He did that.

With his bare hands.

Mom! Mom!

Mom!

Mom! Mom!

We're sunk.

We're totally sunk.

Oh, man, that was so much fun!

I thought nobody remembered cowgirl blues.

Can you believe I haven't sung in 15 years?

What have I been doing?

You sounded great.

So are you enjoying yourself?

Are you kidding?

I just wish I could go on like this forever.

Well, that can be arranged.

I totally know where we should go next.

Somewhere quiet, perhaps?

Yeah, right. Ok, turn left up here.

Stuff like this always happens to the good guys in count krelski movies.

Ok, so what happens next, genius?

all right, all right, all right, um...

In the movie, count krelski gets the girl alone, and says, "come to my castle, my

darling, and I will show you wonders beyond imagination--"

and she falls for that.

That's so not mom.

Good point.

Besides, he wants her to like him, right?

And when guys want you to like them, they go wherever you want them to go.

He's not a "guy." He's a vampire.

I don't care if he's frankenstein.

Guys are all the same.

Ok, so, where did mom want to go?

The harvest festival!

Except that's like 5 miles from here.

Not a problem.

Give me your phone.

If he's a vampire, what's he drive, a hearse?

I don't know. Some intense red sports car.

But, dude, we have to find my mom.

As soon as the concert's over.

Forget your concert!

♪ Do you even know? ♪ Right.

All right, dudes. Dock the battlestar.

Come on, duffy, you got to help us.

We gotta go, man. Sorry.

come on, boomer.

Somebody's got to be selling an extra ticket.

No. I'm, uh, going to the harvest festival with chelsea.

So--so you're gonna help us?

No.

Come on, chelsea. You hungry?

Let's go get a corn dog.

No, I don't think so.

Vixen, heh. Playing hard to get.

Can it, boomer.

No, you can it, adam.

We had a deal, man.

You had the concert pass and I got a date with your sister.

Yeah, well, deal's off.

I thought you were my friend.

I am.

Right.

Chelsea, wait!

Come on, chelsea, wait up.

I can't believe you!

I mean, of all the selfish--

you promised that creep a date with me for a concert ticket?

I wouldn't talk. We just did the same thing to mom.

And that was your idea, too.

look, chels, that was a lousy thing to do.

And when I did it, things were different.

I was different.

That was this afternoon!

Look, i--i learned that if you don't respect the things that matter, it can all fall

apart.

I know that now, and I'm sorry.

All right, come on.

But you're still a dweeb.

Hey, I'll bet that's the vampire's car.

[Whistles]

there's like a million people here.

That--that's good.

As long as they're in a crowd, mom's safe.

How are we gonna find them?

I suggest we split up.

And then we're left alone with dmitri.

All right, you find them, you call me.

I find them, I call you.

Turn that little knob to channel 3, and that'll give us some privacy.

Now, let's find mom, ok?

How do we even know where to start?

It's mom. Think...mature.

Aaaaaaaah!

Hey, chelsea. How's it going?

I got on the ferris wheel.

I can see everything from here.

Wait, adam. I see them.

They're getting off the scrambler.

I see them.

Wasn't that fun?

Oh, it's all been fun. Tons of fun.

But now, it's time to leave all this behind.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about forever, lynette.

Whoa. Slow down there, cowboy.

Look, tonight has been terrific.

I mean, I really feel like I met someone.

An old friend that I never thought I'd see again.

Well, it's natural you feel that way.

That's-- that's the depth of our connection.

No, I don't mean you.

I mean me.

[Huffs]

but you--you must feel some deep, powerful attraction to me?

I'm sorry, dmitri.

It's just some people just don't click.

I mean, I had a terrific time.

I just feel like who I want to be and who you are, they're very different.

how about the bumper cars?

No!

I don't think so.

I hate this place. I hate hillbilly music.

I'm tired, and I'm hungry.

It's time to go home.

Adam, what's happening?

I think something's wrong.

Chelsea: then do something.

What are you--

look into my eyes.

You are powerless to resist me.

You're mine, lynette.

Oh, boy.

[Hisses]

hello, adam. Looking for me?

Ow.

Buddy, come on. Hurry up.

Now, what are you doing here?

I want you to leave my mother alone.

But, adam, I don't understand.

You sent for me.

That's not true.

Aren't you the one that sent the e-mail?

you're wolfsbane?

Yes. I know.

All the good vampire names have been taken by teenagers.

Now you listen to me carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.

You leave me alone.

Let me do what I came here to do.

You're never gonna make my mother fall in love with you.

You may be right, but what your mother wants is of no importance now.

Your mother is mine, and there's nothing any snot-nosed 12-year-old can do

about it.

I'm 13.

And I'm a vampire.

And if you want to stay alive, you'll do well to remember that.

Heh heh heh heh heh.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Come on, lynette. We're leaving.

Yes, we're leaving.

What happened? Where's mom?

They're gone.

Come on. We've got to follow them.

And do what?

We can't just give up.

Look, chels, he caught me.

He said if we go after him, we're dead.

And if we don't, what happens to mom?

we tried everything.

We tried nothing.

We annoyed him. That didn't work.

Chelsea, he's a vampire.

And this is our family, adam.

I mean, it's like you said in the parking lot.

Sometimes you gotta try a little if you want to keep things together.

Now, come on. You're the monster master.

Well, he probably would take her to his lair.

Are you sure?

Well, that's what would happen in the revenge of count krelski.

He told us where he lives, remember?

The old mather house out by the lake.

Come on. I'll call us a cab.

Ok.

Here you go. Thanks.

[Engine won't start]

great.

All right, here's what I'm thinkin'.

We know they're not eatin'.

They might be dancin'. They might not.

We don't know where they are, but we do know where they're goin'.

Where's that?

Back to his house.

and...

You know where that is, right?

I was hopin' you could help me with that.

He likes really big houses, the old kind of mansiony places.

Does that ring a bell?

Um, out by the lake.

All the big old houses are out there.

How do you get there?

Go straight.

This is good.

Your mom make it?

I don't live with my mom.

Where do you live?

Hotel.

Actually, lots of hotels.

Your mom make you sandwiches, taylor?

My mom does everything.

Are you sure this is where you want to get out?

Yep. This is the place.

Suit yourself.

You know that thing about sending an e-mail to somebody you don't know?

Yeah.

Yeah, well...

You were right.

listen, adam, I just want you to know that no matter what happens, we're still a

family, you know?

Even if it's just you, me, and taylor.

We're still a family.

What are you talking about?

We've got to save mom.

You know something, I don't care what anyone else says.

You're all right.

Well, thanks, chelsea. You, too.

All right.

I don't think they're here yet.

I wouldn't be too sure about that, chels.

[Boom]

what?

Ok. We've got to find dimitri's coffin.

Why?

Well, it's his thing. It's where he sleeps.

See, if we've got his coffin, he won't touch mom.

All right. I say we split up.

I'll go upstairs. You check the basement.

Uh, no.

You check the basement. I'll go upstairs.

Why don't we both go upstairs?

[Revs engine]

whoa.

it's a lot bigger than I thought.

What are we gonna do?

Wait. Do you remember when you took the tv remote and kept it in your room?

Yeah.

How did I get you to give it back to me?

You stole my cell phone.

Right, and cell phone is to teenager what coffin is to vampire.

And mom's the remote.

Yes, grasshopper.

Now help me get this downstairs.

Unh!

Ok. This is where the whole cell phone, coffin analogy breaks down.

Wait a second.

The lake. Perfect.

Come on, chels. Help me get this out the window.

[Crash]

all right. We gotta go.

That's gonna find dimitri?

It'll point us in the right direction.

[Car tires squealing]

adam, they're coming.

All right.

Let's get this thing out of here.

[Wolves howling]

listen to them.

The children of the night.

What music they make.

Welcome to your new home, my darling.

[Sniffing]

humans?

[Sniffs]

adam.

Uh...would you mind waiting here for a moment, please?

Nooooo!

That was quick. Ok, go hide.

What are you gonna do?

Just hide! Go! Go, go, go, go, go.

Hey, dimitri!

You lookin' for somethin'?

[Snarls]

give me back my coffin!

Why don't you come out here and get it?

Oh, yeah. What am I saying?

Vampires can't cross water, can they?

Well, unless of course they're in their coffin, but I've got your coffin here.

Heh. Too bad.

Do you really think you can play games with me?

Oh, no game, and sunrise is at 6:00.

all right. What do you want?

Straight-up trade--

my mom for your coffin. One to one.

[Sniffs]

no.

I've got a better idea.

I get my coffin, and you get your sister.

Don't do it.

Now, chelsea is a little young to be my queen, but, oh, she'd make a lovely

vampire princess.

Don't you think?

All I have to do is stay out here till morning.

[Cell phone rings]

[ring]

hello? Peter, I'm kind of busy right now.

Give me that.

[Hangs up]

[phone hits ground]

all right, fine.

You stay out there as long as you like, but when you do eventually paddle back

in, you'll not only be an orphan, you'll be an only child.

All right. Hold on.

If I come back in, will you let her go?

Forget about me, adam.

If you come in, I'll let her go.

all right. Hold on.

[Wolf howls]

I need you to stay just like that.

I'll be back.

Wait. I want to go with you.

Not this time.

But I told you.

I can help.

The way you'll help, taylor, is by staying here.

All right?

Well, now. Everything is just about back where it should be.

We're not giving up.

Now, adam. We had an agreement.

Oh, well.

Can't say as I blame you.

Actually, I wasn't planning on keeping my side of the bargain, either.

What?

After what you put me through?

Ha. No way.

Leave him alone.

Van helsing.

[Speaking foreign language]

wladislaus wallachia weyoden.

I can't say it's a pleasure.

oh, no, van helsing.

The pleasure will be all mine.

Rahrr!

Ow!

That's not gonna hold him.

Let's get your mother out of here.

Come on, mom. We gotta go.

Unh!

Is there some sort of a trick to this?

Rahrr!

Wooden stakes.

How quaint.

No!

I should have finished you in budapest.

Oh, well. Better late than never.

Leave him alone.

Taylor, don't!

Listen to your brother, taylor.

I said leave him alone.

Are you standing up to me?

You're 8.

8 1/2.

Oh, yeah. That's the vampire spirit.

A room full of people, and you're gonna square off with an 8-year-old?

yeah, nice job. A real challenge.

You'll really impress 'em with this one at the vampire convention.

Enough!

What is it with this family?

Don't you get it?

You're kids. I'm a vampire.

I have the power.

Yeah, right.

Heh. Uh...

Oops. Chels, help me.

Oh, she can't help you.

Unh.

And he can't help you.

Nobody can help you.

Because I'm a vampire!

Now, are you two starting to understand what that means?

Mom?

Help, mom. Please!

Help us. Mom, please wake up.

Wake up. Come on!

Mom, you have to wake up!

Mom's a little busy right now.

Mom, help.

Help, mom!

please!

Children. Dear, dear, children.

We need you! Come on, mom!

So, who's going to be first?

Mom?

Help!

You are.

Lynette.

Stand back!

Silver-plated nails.

Mom!

Taylor!

You guys saved me.

No, you saved us.

How'd you break the trance?

I don't know.

Only true love can break a vampire's trance.

That's what it was. Wasn't it, mom?

That's what it was.

I love you guys more than anything.

Hi.

Hello.

Van helsing.

We almost met...

At the market.

Lynette hansen.

You're the real malachi van helsing?

On a good day.

And I believe you've met my partner taylor hansen.

Uh...what's gonna happen to that guy?

Well, we need to get him someplace with a lot of sunlight.

He'll go to my vault in the south pole, and then this summer we'll just ship him

back to finland.

Well, sun's up now.

I'm hungry.

Would you like to come for breakfast?

Breakfast?

Why not?

Sure.

Well, I never did make those pancakes.

Have you tried them with chocolate chips?

Already got 'em.

Then it's a date. Don't say date.

Not a date.

Mom doesn't date.

I date...

Just not vampires.