02x13 - The Santa Experience

[bunniefuu]

[ Gasps]

[ Slurping]

[ Burps]

Woman:
stu? Guess who's

Coming to dinner.

Sidney poitier?

Better... Lipschitz.

Thelipschitz? The baby expert?

He was signing his manual
at book world today

And something inside me said

"Invite lipschitz over
for a goulash dinner."

So I did, and he accepted.

But pop and I got tickets
to the ball game tonight.

Oh, stu, please.

This is a great man.

We can learn from him.

Lipschitz knows more
about being a mommy

Than anyone in the world.

Hey, chuckie,
hear that?

Yeah, the lipschitz
is coming to your house.

Chuckie, ever since I was little
I always heard my mommy say

"The lipschitz says this,"
or "the lipschitz says that"

And I never knew
what the lipschitz was

But now I know...
It's a mommy.

Wow!

[ Doorbell buzzes]

Didi:
oh, my gosh.

That must be him.

It's such an honor
to have you, dr....

Ahh, charles!

Ahh, didi!

I'm sorry, charles.

I thought you were
a psychologist.

Nope, just another
faceless bureaucrat

Coming over
to pick up his son.

Didi's in a frenzy

With this
dr. Lipschitz coming...

Lipschitz!

Thelipschitz?

Why, yes.

You read lipschitz?

Read him?

I've got his volumes,
books on tape

And how-to video guide.

You mean that guy
who tells people

How to raise their kids?

I can't believe you people take
that crackpot seriously.

[ German accent:]
crackpot?

He meant
a very skilled

Intelligent,
brilliant crackpot.

Ja, ja...where's the goulash?

Didi:
it will be ready soon,
dr. Lipschitz.

Please, come in.

You're too kind.

That'sthe lipschitz?

It doesn't look like
a mommy to me.

Course it is, chuckie.

But it's got fur
on its chin.

Lots of mommies got fur
on their chins.

They do?

Yeah, like the lady

Who works
at the dry cleaners.

And look,
the lipschitz has a purse.

I bet if we check
in its purse

It will have lots
of mommy stuff.

I don't know.

Didi:
now, come on.

It's dinner time.

Here we go, champ.

You realize,
mr. Pickles

When you lift
the child--

Oh, never mind,
I shouldn't butt in.

No, no, dr. Lipschitz,
please continue.

Well, in my third book,
taming your toddler

$ . From las vegas
university press

I explain that the infant
should be lifted

By his waist
not his armpits.

Here's your bib,
chuckie.

I'm sure you realize tying
the bib is a symbolic act.

If you tie it too tightly

You deprive the child
of emotional freedom.

Oh, my!

But tied too loosely

Denies him the firmness
of your love.

Yikes!

Either way...

The damage could be irreparable.

Bull's-eye!

There.

It's better if you kids stay
in here during dinner.

Now, play nice.

Okay, now's our chance.

Let's get out of here,
get the lipschitz's purse

And find out
if it's a mommy.

Have I told you about

My groundbreaking
research on...

How do you
open it, tommy?

I don't know.

Ha, I was right.

What is it, tommy?

Chuckie, it's mommy stuff!

...and so by imitating

The foolish cartoon characters
he sees on the television...

I'm up! I'm up!

I'll make breakfast!

Should we move
into the living room

For dessert?

Dessert?

Uh-uh, tommy,
the lipschitz can't be a mommy.

He just can't be.

Why not, chuckie?

My mom said he was

And he does everything
mommies do.

Like what?

Like put on your bib

And cut your vegetables

And he's got bottles and diapers
in his purse.

He's a mommy.

Well...

Hey, maybe he's going
to be yourmommy!

My mommy?

Yeah, what if you're
getting a new mommy?

Now, smile.

Ah, the playpen.

Oh, my goodness.

These pop-up books
foster delusions.

They should be taken away

Immediately.

Oh, tommy.

Chuckie,
what's wrong?

No, no, no...

Let me show you
a wonderful

Relaxation technique
that I call

"Quiet time."

Now, everyone sit down

And close your eyes.

It's "quiet time."

"Quiet time."

Think about the ocean

Listen to the waves

The water

The sound of the whales...

"Quiet time."

Hey, what, what?

Look what you've done.

Oh, tommy.

Dr. Lipschitz, I'm so sorry.

He's usually so well-behaved.

Ja,right.

Here, let me
clean you up.

Now's our chance, boys.

Let's go to the game.

I got the tickets.
Come on, chaz.

But, but what about lipschitz?

Be a man, son.

Sorry, fellas.

You got
to stay here.

Chuckie!

They left us with the lipschitz.

Tommy, I don't want it
to be my mommy.

It looks all scary,
and it puts my bib on funny

And it cuts my vegetables
all wrong and...

And I just don't like it.

Didi:
I'm so sorry,
dr. Lipschitz.

Quick, hide!

I wouldn't worry.

I don't think
this polyester stains.

Hey, where's stu?

Where's tommy?

Where did everybody go?

Oh, no!

They must have gone
to that silly baseball game.

I can't believe it.

It's so irresponsible of him.

Clearly he lacked
proper discipline

During the early oedipal stage.

By the way,
are there any more eclairs?

I'm so sorry,
dr. Lipschitz.

The whole evening
is ruined.

Let me give you some advice.

If you want your husband

To stop treating you
like a second-class citizen

Stand up for your rights.

You really think
he doesn't respect me?

Oh, mrs. Pickles,
you make me laugh.

Can you possibly be that naive?

If I were you,
I'd get in my car

Drive to that baseball game,
find that husband of yours

And bring him back
to this house.

Dr. Lipschitz, you're right.

I'm going to take a stand.

But are you sure
you'll be okay?

Don't worry about me,
mrs. Pickles.

I can just sit here

And read one of my books
until you return.

Oh, dr. Lipschitz,
you're a lovely man.

Please help yourself
to anything you want.

I'll be back in no time.

She fell for it,
hook, line and sinker.

Oh, no, tommy.

Your mommy's gone too.

That means...

The lipschitz is going to be
both our mommies.

[ Both scream]

It looks like
you hit the jackpot.

Hide, chuckie.

[ Humming]

Oh, this is
quality corned beef.

Now, where's
the remote?

The lipschitz will
never find us in here.

Ah.

So luxurious, so soothing.

There's nothing like
a nice, warm bath

With chemzyne bath products.

Hmm, now that sounds
like a good idea.

[ Humming]

Ah...

[ Door creaking]

Huh?

[ Screams]

Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.

What to do? What to do??

Be quiet, babies, be quiet.

You want your uncle lipschitz
to show you a funny face?

Think, werner,
think.

Remember,
you're an expert.

I know!

How about some
of my patented lipschitz

Baby formula?

Here it is! I'm coming!

You don't like it?

How about a nice diaper?

Let's see! Let's see!

Here's one.

Oh, my goodness.

What do you want from me?

What? What? What?

[ Sobbing]

Hey, tommy,
what's it doing?

I don't know

But it sure isn't acting
like a mommy.

Yeah, it's acting more
like... A baby.

Hey, tommy

The lipschitz
isn't a mommy.

It's a baby.

Let's go play with it.

[ Sobbing]

What? That's what you want?

To play?

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

[ Laughing]

Dr. Lipschitz?

Shh, they're sleeping.

Hey, buster, that's my robe.

Huh? It's a long story.

I've had quite a busy evening
with the children.

Oh, doctor

I hope they haven't been
too much trouble.

Please, no apologies.

It is I
who owe you gratitude.

Thanks to your little rugrats

I have completely
revised my theories.

What?

Right!

"Early lipschitz" is now

An historical footnote.

I will follow the french school

Of child-rearing.

Oh, let me
call the papers.

And you, my friends,
will be the first

To receive copies
of my new manual.

I'm speechless.

One last picture,
please, dr. Lipschitz?

Why, certainly.

Didi:pop...
Could you take the photo?

Oh, all right.

Say "cheese."

All:
cheese.

Cheese?
Where?

Oh!

[ Grunting]

What? Little babies

Want to play with mommy's
lipstitch crayon?

Uh-huh.uh-huh.

Okay.

Say pretty, pretty,
pretty please.

Both:
pretty, pretty, pretty peas.

Close enough.

Here you go.

[ Gasping]

Ooh!ooh!

Gee, thanks, angelica.

Sure, tommy.

No problem.

I mean,
what are big cousins for?

Open it, chuckie, open it!

Hmm...

Do you like it?

Uh-huh.uh-huh.

Are you happy?

Uh-huh.uh-huh.

Good.
Aunt didi, aunt didi

The babies are playing
with your lipstitch!

Didi:
tommy, no!

[ Gasping]

Now, how did you get this?

It's my favorite lipstick.

They sure are tricky,
huh, aunt didi?

Tommy, this is not
for babies.

This is for big people.

Yeah. For big peoples,
and not for you. Nyah!

[ Raspberry]

♪ For big peoples,
for big peoples ♪

♪ And not for little babies.

Well, at least we had it
for a little while, chuckie.

Yeah, a real little while.

It's not fair.

It's just not fair.

If we was big peoples,
they couldn't stop us.

Yeah.

If we was big people

We could do anything
we wanted.

Yeah!

Like what?

Well, like
lots of things.

Like stay up late

Or eat chocolate ice cream
for breakfast

Or even take baths
standing up.

Baths standing up?

Now you've gone too far.

Being a big people

Is the most funnest thing

In the whole,
wide world.

You get to do all kinds
of neat stuff all day

And it all starts

When you first wake up
in the morning.

Chuckie, get up, get up!

We're big people!

Huh?

[ Screaming]

Tommy, look what I got on!

Course that's what
you got on, chuckie.

These are the clothes
big people wear.

I don't like them, tommy,
and I'm taking this off.

Chuckie, don't!

It's a tied.

That's the thing

That keeps big people's heads
from falling off.

Phew! Thanks, tommy.

That was close.

Boy, being a big people
is pretty scary.

No, chuckie, it's great.

Now we can do anything we want.

We can throw our toys...

And, and squirt
our milk...

And even draw
all over the walls!

[ Laughing]

Maybe you're right, tommy.

Maybe there is something
a little fun

About being a big people.

[ Both laughing]

Let's see.

What should we eat?

There's reptar cereal

And reptar cereal

And look-- reptar cereal!

Decisions, decisions.

I'll make the breakfast,
and you make the coffee.

Coffee, anyone?

Sure. I'll have
a cup of jobe.

Oh! This coffee
tastes like mud.

It is mud.

Oh.

[ Gasping]

Oh, my gosh!

What is it, tommy?

It's time to go to work.

Work? But, tommy,
do we have to go to work?

Come on, chuckie.

Work is fun.

And besides,
I get to drive.

But, tommy,
you don't know how to drive.

[ Screaming]

[ Laughing]

[ Horns blowing]

[ Reptar snarling]

Gee, tommy, don't you think

You should slow down a little?

But if I do that,
how am I going to get a ticket?

A ticket to what?

I don't know,
but if you want one

You've got to go fast.

[ Siren blaring]

See? Now we're going
to get a ticket.

Uh, is there a problem, officer?

Yeah, there's a problem.

You babies were going
a thousand miles a hour.

Now I'm going to have
to give you a ticket.

Now, hit the road!

Well, tommy,
you got your ticket.

What's it for anyway?

Chuckie, it's a ticket
to go see reptar on ice.

Wow.

Whoa!

Wow, this is work?

Course it is, chuckie.

What did you think
work was?

I don't know.

I always thought
it was something... Harder.

That's what big people
want you to think.

Come on.

What big people stuff
are we going to do now, tommy?

What all big people
do at work--

Ride the elevators
up and down.

[ Bell dings]

[ Yelling]

[ Laughing]

[ Laughing and squealing]

Tommy! Tommy.

I think we rided the elevator
enough already.

Let's do something else
from work.

Like what, chuckie?

Well, we could do
what my dad does.

What's that?

Push paper.

[ Bell dings]

[ Gasping]

Hey, tommy, this is fun.

Yeah. Grab a broom.

Come on, chuckie,
let's push paper.

Well, uh...

[ Squealing and laughing]

[ Kids screeching]

See, I told you work was fun.

It's not all fun, tommy.

Yeah. Don't forget
about the boss.

Boss? What's a boss?

Tommy! Chuckie!

Yeah?yeah?

Go to the boss' room right away.

Why?

'Cause I said so!

You guys are in trouble now.

Tommy, I'm scared.

Don't worry, chuckie.

It's just the boss.

What can the boss
do to us?

Well, I've always heard
my daddy say

He's afraid the boss
is going to fire him.

Fire him?uh-huh.

He always says, "I just know

The boss is going
to fire me today."

Tommy, I don't want
to get fired.

[ Gasping]

[ Yelling]

[ Hinges squeaking]

Excuse me,
mr. Boss lady man, sir.

You wanted to see us

About something?

You had something

You wanted to say?

[ Chair squeaking]

Hello? Anybody home?

Yeah.
There's somebody home.

Angelica the boss!

[ Laughing]

And if it isn't
the big people

Tommy and chuckie.

You babies think
you're so big. Ha!

You're not big.

You're just big babies.

That's not true,
angelica.

Silence!

I'm the boss
around this place, see

And that means you have to do

Everything I say.

But, angelica...

That's boss angelica to you!

B-b-b... Boss angelica?

Yes?

You don't have to be

So mean to us.

Oh, I don't, eh?

Well, let me tell you something.

If I want to be mean

I can be mean.

Know why?
'Cause I'm the boss!

I can do

Anything I want

And if you don't like it

I can have you fired!

[ Laughing]

I'm getting out of here!

Chuckie, come back!

Get that big people!

[ Yelling]

Wait, chuckie, wait!

Wait up, chuckie!

No, tommy.

I'm getting out of here.

I want to be little again.

I don't want to be
a big people anymore.

Don't worry, chuckie.

We excaped from her.

There's no way
the boss can get us now.

There they are!

Get them!

[ Yelling]

Oh, no, chuckie,
it's locked!

What are we going
to do, tommy?

What are we going
to do?

Chuckie, look!

We got to punch the clock.

It's the only way
we can get out.

It's okay, chuckie,
it's okay.

It was all just pretend.

Boy, tommy,
that was scary.

Being a big people
is awful.

I'm not never
growing up.

Oh, come on, chuckie.

It's not all bad.

Being a big people

Isn't just going
to work, you know.

It isn't?

No. When you're
a big people

You get to have a house

And have some babies,
and maybe even get married.

Maybe you're right, tommy.

It would be kind of nice
to get married.

Oh, boys?

Time to play house!

[ Laughing]

[ Yelling]