Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight (1995)

[bunniefuu]

I did it, Jack. I did it.

And you know what?

It got me hot.

No, I'm not kidding.

You should have seen the look on Carl's

face when I buried that ax in his chest.

Ohh! k*lling him was almost

better than sex.

I said almost, didn't I?

Ohhh! We are going

to have so much fun...

...spending all of his money,

aren't we, baby?

Oooh! Just thinking

about it gets me all...

...hot and squishy.

You mean right now?

He's in the basement

cooling off.

What took you so long?

Jesus, Jack, what kind

of cologne...

Cut!

Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

What the hell are you doing?

You call that "hack-ting"?

Well, yes,

I do call it acting.

Well, let me tell you something.

You're no "Gorey" Cooper.

You ain't even

a Robert "Deadford. "

Another take like that and it'll

be back to bit parts for you.

And I won't say what bits

I'm talking about.

Huh! All right,

everybody. Reset!

Reset, guys.

Director?

Where the hell did

they dig this guy up?

I give and I give and I...

Oh!

Hello, kiddies.

So glad you could join me.

Your old pal the Crypt Keeper

has gone Hollywood in a big way.

Care to see what I've been

working on?

So if you're ready, creeps,

fasten your drool cups...

...and hold on to

your vomit bags.

We're going to the movies!

Frights! Camera!

Action!

I call this one...

Come on!

Son of a b*tch!

Come on,

you son of a b*tch!

Oh, sh*t!

Damn!

What ya doin', mister?

- Are you stealing my daddy's car?

- Stealin'?

No, I was testing the lock.

Seems to be working just fine.

You want a quarter?

How about a shiny new quarter?

You want one?

Dad, there's a guy outside

stealing your car!

Hey, Dad, hurry up.

Get out here!

Homer, go!

He's gone.

Boy, listen

to that thunder.

God's doing some

serious thinking tonight.

I'll bet he's saying...

"On second thought, maybe I should

have given it all to the monkeys. "

- Maybe it's not to late.

- I always hate drinking alone. You want a taste?

Sure.

To the monkeys.

It ain't very subtle,

but it does the trick.

You wouldn't happen to know of a place

where I could bed down, would you?

Well, it just

so happens, I do.

That's two cars, Sheriff?

That's right, Mavis.

One of 'em's got Maryland plates,

and the other one's from New Jersey.

Ten-four.

Ten-four.

You were right, Sheriff.

Them sons of b*tches must have

been doing well over a hundred.

Well, Bob, it's too late

to give them a ticket.

But, if it'll make you feel any

better, you can sh**t their ashes.

What the...

Holy sh*t!

Hey, mister,

get away from there.

Where the hell you come

from? This is my car.

Was my car.

Did you see him?

Walking into town,

the guy I was chasing?

Air bags, gotta love 'em.

Did you see him?

- We didn't see anybody.

- Now wait a minute.

Are you telling me that guy over

there walked out of here too?

Where you goin'? You got

a few questions to answer.

Look, Officers, the man

I'm chasing is dangerous.

If he's in your town,

you got a problem.

We stand here arguing about a

traffic accident... Do you mind?

Something awful's about

to go down... Over there.

Is that where we're going?

It looks like a church.

That's it.

Used to be a church.

Ain't a church no more.

They decommissioned it in the

'50s, due to lack of interest.

Just the place

I've been looking for.

Gangway, I'm bringing

in business.

What kind of business?

I think he's looking for

a room of his own, Cordelia.

You been drinking,

Uncle Willy?

- I'm clean as a whistle, Irene.

- How long you wanting the room?

I don't know. One night,

maybe two. Depends.

I never rent short-term,

and I don't rent to strangers.

But I can make exceptions.

Okay.

Enjoy your stay,

Mr...

Mr. Smith.

Jeryline! Jeryline!

Jeryline, I mean now!

I'm trying

to clean your stove.

How do you expect me to get my

work done if you keep bothering me?

You've been working so hard

with them clean rubber gloves?

Show Mr. Smith

up to number five.

And then fix him some dinner.

And after that, I got

a few more jobs for you.

This time I'm gonna

watch you.

I want it right the first time,

and that's all there is to it.

It's my way

or the highway.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

What do I need to tell you?

What am I looking at?

Which way is town?

Town is that way,

and you're looking at nothing.

But I'm sure you didn't come here

for a view. But here's your key.

And the concierge will bring up

your bags momentarily.

I don't see how they could

fire you, Wally.

That's what

I told them.

Cordelia, I don't know what

happened to all that mail.

It just disappeared,

but they won't believe me.

God! It's so humiliating.

Do you know what he did?

Uh-uh.

Postmaster comes in...

...and he rips my name tag

right off my shirt.

Right in front

of everybody.

And like that's not bad enough,

he took my Mr. Zippy patch.

You should have told your

damn boss to go screw himself.

Stupid post office.

Ain't the only job in town.

The hell it ain't.

If you had any sense, Wally...

...you'd crawl back to him

and beg for the job.

Yeah, well,

I already tried that.

He said no.

Oh, poor Wally.

Where is that girl?

Jeryline!

- What is it?

- Are my sheets done yet?

They're downstairs. And I couldn't

get all those stains out, either.

Damn guacamole.

Will you put them

on my bed for me?

- Why can't you do it yourself? You know I'm busy.

- Get her sheets, will you?

No, I just started that stove.

I can't do everything at once.

I'll get them for you,

Cordelia.

Good. Damn.

That's very sweet of you,

Wally.

Put them on your bed?

Thanks.

Oh, poor guy.

Maybe I should give him

a freebie.

Just what he needs,

someone else screwing him.

To be perfectly honest, I wasn't

watching the speedometer.

- Exactly why were you chasing him?

- He's a thief.

What the hell did he steal that had

you going over 100 miles an hour?

Must have been

pretty valuable.

It is.

Sheriff?

Yeah, Mavis, go ahead.

We just got a call from Homer

over at the caf.

He says somebody tried

to steal his car.

Okay, we're on it.

- You want some?

- Hell, no.

I was just thinking how much better

that stuff looked when it was roadkill.

Why don't you shut up?

You eat it.

- She loves me.

- You hurry up and finish and...

I'll take care of dessert.

Ah, don't worry.

Good Cleo knows better

than to eat that slop.

g*dd*mn it! Get that

p*ssy off the table.

I meant the cat.

Cleo! Didn't I tell you to put him out?

I did. I don't know

how she got back in.

You finish cleaning the stove, or

you too busy sh**ting the breeze?

For Christ's sake, I'll finish

cleaning it tomorrow.

I want it clean tonight.

Remind me of that program you're on.

It's called "work release", ain't it?

I swear that girl ain't got

no g*dd*mn gratitude.

If I hadn't made a place for

her, she'd be behind bars or dead.

- Lucky kid.

- Mmm.

You expecting somebody,

Mr. Smith?

Evenin', motel people.

You kept me waiting, Roach. Ohh.

I'll tell you the reason I'm late.

Somebody tried to steal Homer's car.

You're kiddin'? That

old hunk of junk? Yeah.

Right out of the diner

parking lot.

Sheriff and Deputy Dipshit

showed up too.

Damn, you look sweet.

Thank you, honey.

You know, I've been looking

forward to this all week.

That makes two of us. Hey, what

are those panties you got on there?

I got the cherry flavor.

Are those edible panties?

You know I want pieces

of panty in my salad later.

Oh, Roach,

you're so dirty!

Why don't you set the basket

by the steps, Wally.

She's gonna be needing

clean sheets soon enough.

Your boy did the right thing.

You should be...

That about covers it. We'll let

you know if we hear anything.

Sheriff, you there?

Go ahead, Mavis.

I just got a call from Irene at the mission

about that fellow you're looking for.

Let's go, Sheriff.

Get in.

He's really holding on tonight,

isn't he?

Okay.

So what were you in for?

I'm not passing judgment.

Stealin'. 'Kay?

- Good evening, Irene. Where is he?

- That's him, in the dining room.

Excuse me, mister. We'd like to have a word

with you about the fender bender on the highway.

Sheriff, you better

watch it. He's armed.

Told you.

- Drop the g*ns, or I'll k*ll her.

- Don't!

- I said, drop your g*dd*mn g*ns.

- He won't do it.

- The hell I won't.

- I know this man, and he will not do it.

Drop the knife.

Drop the g*dd*mn knife!

Her blood's on your head,

as*h*le.

Spread 'em!

Well, well, well.

Mr. Brayker.

- Pleased to make your acquaintance.

- You lyin' son of a b*tch.

Said his name was Smith.

Call it in, Bob.

I believe you'll find what

I'm looking for in there.

What's he got

to do with this?

- I'm... I work for a collection agency.

- It's empty.

Really.

That can't be.

Well, I guess that means

it's somewhere in the house.

- Keep him away from me!

- Shut up!

Where is it? I don't know

what you're talking about.

Maybe it's up in his room.

What you guys looking for?

- What the hell are we looking for anyway?

- A piece of antiquity.

A relic...

in the shape of a key.

- Bob!

- Yeah?

Search his room.

It's number five.

Come on, give it to me.

Come on.

Give it to me.

Come on. Ahh!

Come on.

Crank me up.

Come on. Ahh! God! Is that good?

- Freeze!

- Ohh!

Jesus Christ, Bob,

you son of a b*tch!

Turn it off! Turn it off! I'm sorry.

Oh! My n*pples are smoking!

Get your clothes on.

Now!

Good work, Mavis.

Looky, looky.

I didn't find anything

in the perp's room...

...but I sure found something

in the room down the hall.

Thanks, Mavis.

Sorry to drag you down here,

but we'll sort this thing out...

...and then you can get back

to your business.

I am assuming it was

personal business, Cordelia.

Actually, Sheriff...

...it was kind of like

a tune up and lube job.

Shut up, Bob! I don't

want to hear about it.

You know how it is when you get

your car... I don't want to hear it.

Shut up, Bob.

This Brayker fella's

getting more interesting.

According to the computer, Frank

Brayker died over five years ago.

Who the hell are you?

What's your name?

Maybe if you cool your heels in a jail

cell, you'll be a little more chatty.

Come on, Bob.

Help me get him to the car.

I'd appreciate getting back

what he stole from me.

That way I can

get on my way...

...and you can give this lowlife

what he deserves.

Why don't you tell us

where you put it?

You make it easy for me,

I'll make it easy for you.

- Mind you, you're off to a pretty bad start.

- I know where it is!

It just occurred to me. I watched

him stash it and didn't even know it.

Willy, no!

Relax!

I'm sorry, mister.

I'd like you

to put it inside.

Look what he's done.

He's put somethin' awful inside.

Would you mind dumping that out

before you place it inside?

Sure.

No, don't do it.

He's not what he says he is.

He's just...

Just pop that lid.

I'll take that, Willy.

Bob, escort Mr. Brayker, or

whatever his name is, out to the car.

Sheriff, I am much obliged for

your assistance in apprehending...

Don't bother.

You're coming with us.

See, both those cars

were stolen.

We're going down to the station and

we're going to sort this sh*t out.

Sheriff, you're making

a big mistake.

It won't be for the first time.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

The man said,

if you knew who I was...

We'll find out soon enough.

Why wait?

Give me the keys!

Give me the g*dd*mn keys!

Ah, come on!

Get off me!

Ahhh!

sh*t!

Heads up!

Ahhh!

Humans! You're not worth

the flesh you're printed on!

f*ck this cowboy sh*t!

You f*ck', hodunk Podunk,

well, then, m*therf*ckers!

All you had to do was give me

the g*dd*mn key!

Then we could get on

with our lives.

All right, this property...

...is hereby... Condemned.

sh*t!

What is that?

Oh, my God!

sh*t!

Ahhh!

Oh, great. What the hell

happened with the lights?

They're gone.

Everybody, back!

Where do you suppose

they went?

What's that smell?

Aaaaah!

Ahhh!

Let's get out of here!

There's more of them!

No, sh**t 'em.

Go out the back door. Come

on. Hurry up. Hurry up.

Oh, that is disgusting.

What the hell is that sh*t?

sh*t!

I don't see them. Do you see them? No.

Where the f*ck did they go?

Cordelia, stay away

from the door!

You see what I mean? We can make it

to my truck. No, I don't think so.

Listen! You can stay here and die

if you want to. I sure as sh*t ain't.

Roach, be smart for once.

Cordelia!

Roach, wait.

Just come on, would ya?

Ahhhh!

Cordelia, I'm coming!

I'm sorry.

Give me that g*n!

Hey, f*ck-face!

Get the eyes!

Get the eyes!

Oh, Wally.

Wally. Oh, God.

Need a hand?

Give me the key, Brayker.

For cryin' out loud!

Wally? Wally,

please don't die.

Wally?

Oh!

Cordelia!

Brayker, what the hell are those

things? Demons or something?

Worse. Demons. That's sweet.

That's just f*ck' sweet!

And they want to k*ll us

because of you?

Who's going to protect us?

You?

Deputy Bob? Or the headless

horsemen? We'll be all right.

Just stay inside and stay together. We

just have to make it through the night.

And that stuff's

gonna keep them out?

There are only two things

we can use against them.

- The blood in this key.

- It's blood?

And anything that destroys their

eyes. Frees their tortured souls.

- This is crazy!

- Deal with it!

You deal with it.

They got no quarrel with us.

They just want you

and that thing you're carrying.

I say we give it to them. I

say they'll k*ll you anyway.

Or possess you. Or use you

to get to the rest of us.

Like it or not,

we stick together.

- My cat's outside. I gotta get my cat.

- You go out, you stay out.

Is that so?

What are you gonna do?

sh**t us?

Right in the eyes.

Stay down here.

I'm going to seal

the upstairs.

- Damn it!

- What are you doing up here?

I thought I told you

to stay downstairs.

Damn!

I thought you might

need help.

Look, I'm...

I'm sorry about your cat.

And before, with the knife,

I wasn't gonna hurt you.

I knew you weren't. I just

had a feeling about you.

Can I ask you something?

Who are you?

Really.

I'm just an old man...

...running out of time.

Well, well, well.

Isn't this sweet?

Soiled dove and her

square-jawed postal clerk.

- You're a b*stard.

- I ain't the one who tried to k*ll you.

Shithead, you left me

out there.

Who in the hell told you

to follow me?

You're absolutely right.

Nobody.

Now I know

who my friends are.

wh*res ain't got no friends.

That's all the doors

and window sealed.

Any other ways in or out of this

place? Aside from doors and windows?

Got some place you

want us to put him?

Jeryline, let's go

make some coffee.

Looks like we're in

for a long night.

Where did you get that

from? It was my husband's.

Cleo! Hi, baby.

You let the cat in.

She just appeared.

Brayker, what are you doing?

Animals aren't immune.

They can be possessed.

Give me the cat! sh*t!

What the hell's going on?

The cat. The cat.

Brayker, my cat is not possessed

by some demon from hell.

We'll see.

Listen, I got to talk to you. What?

I got nothing to say. I just

gotta talk to you for a second.

I don't want to talk. Why don't you

bother somebody else? Just for a second.

You want to talk? Let's talk

about how you abandoned Cordelia.

How you left her to die.

Huh?

I hope you're ashamed of

yourself. Not particularly, no.

Everybody's got

to look out their selves.

- I'm for getting out of here.

- No one's going anywhere till Mr. Brayker says so.

Hey, f*ck him!

This is his fight.

You may want to die in

this motel, but I don't.

I want to get that key, and I want

to give it to those things out there.

Hey, Roach. Haven't you caused

just about enough trouble?

Excuse me. I'm trying to have a

conversation with my friend, Wally.

He's not your friend.

Assholes don't have friends.

Excuse us.

Can I talk to you

for a second, please?

Jesus, Roach!

So... You got yourself

a new boyfriend.

You get in my way

and I'll k*ll you.

Keep it in your pants

for a change.

I'm warning you, b*tch.

I'm not afraid of you.

No?

You better be afraid

of me.

Come here, girl.

Come on.

Cleo, come on.

Cleo?

Come to mommy.

Come on.

Come here, girl.

Come here, Cleo.

Come on.

I got you, girl.

Come on, Brayker.

See, I told you. Hey,

look... where she came from.

Breeze.

Poor, Cordelia.

Seems downright criminal to

treat a pretty girl that way.

Did I say pretty?

I meant beautiful.

'Cause you are. You

are beautiful, Cordelia.

Inside and out.

Maybe nobody here can

see it, but I sure can.

I understand you.

I know what you want.

I know what you need.

Guys like Roach,

they think...

...just because they're paying for

it that they can treat you like sh*t.

If they spend the same money

on dinner and a movie...

...they can call you "girlfriend"

instead of "wh*re. "

wh*re, what a horrible word

that is...

...to use on someone who's really

just a sad girl who's looking for love.

Tender, warm,

unconditional love.

I can give you that love,

as much as you can take.

All you have to do

is let me in.

Let me in.

Cordelia?

Cordelia?

Cordelia?

You okay?

- Hello, Wally.

- Hello, Cordelia.

I realized something awful

about myself tonight, Wally.

My whole life, I've avoided

the guys who really loved me.

Like you.

You really love me,

don't you, Wally?

Yes, Cordelia,

I really love you.

I've always loved you.

From the very first time

I delivered your mail.

Well, don't just do it

with your eyes, Wally.

It's some kind of tunnel.

It's a mine shaft.

Not surprising. The whole

area's riddled with them.

This means this

is a way out.

We can get to town before those

things find out we're gone.

No.

No, it's too risky.

What? Now, listen. What

the hell are you saying?

Trust me.

You're safer in this house.

sh*t!

What was that?

What's going on?

Oh, God!

What's in there?

- Cordelia?

- Ahhhh!

Oh, man!

sh**t it, damn it!

- I can't! I can't!

sh**t 'em both!

Stop it, stop it!

Ahhh!

Irene!

Ahhhh!

Ahhhh!

Ohh!

Go ahead.

Give it to me!

sh*t! It's still bleeding. Here.

We've got to get her outta here.

She'll bleed to death.

We've got to take

our chances in the mines.

The spur that runs under here

comes to a head in a mile.

- I say we do it.

- f*ck, yeah.

What makes you think

they haven't found the mines?

Has everybody f*ck' had it

with you tellin' us what to do?

If we want to go out to the

mines, we're going out that way.

We don't need

your f*ck' permission.

I got an idea that's gonna

save us that walk.

- We give those damn demons what they want.

- Mr. Roach...

I'm not gonna give you the key.

You're gonna have to take it.

Then I'm gonna have

to k*ll you, right?

Right?

- If you say so.

- I say so.

Now listen to me,

all of you.

You don't know

what you're up against.

Go down there,

I can't help you.

You've been doing a real

fine job of helping us so far.

Last I looked, we were missing

Wally and Cordelia...

...and half her arm.

So f*ck you!

I'm going.

Let's go.

Owwwww!

Hey, Brayker.

Don't worry. I'll save you.

No!

Hey, handsome,

age before beauty.

Yeah, and pearl before swine,

shithead.

Ohhh!

Ohh! Jeez!

You know something, Willy?

Huh?

You're so dried up, the demons

will probably throw you back.

Well, the sons of b*tches

ain't gonna get us.

I know these mines.

Used to own the damn place.

I'm gonna find that north spur

and get us the hell out of here.

sh*t, now!

Irene?

Irene?

You sure this

is the way out?

No doubt about it.

This here's the north spur.

Course,

if we're heading west...

...then the other one is north.

Why don't we just sit down

here and wait for them? No.

That way!

Let's do it.

Yeah, this is it.

The north spur's just ahead.

I don't know how anybody

ever worked down here.

Smells like a big ol'

pile of do-do. Help me.

It's the bat sh*t.

You get used to it.

I remember the first time

we struck pay dirt down here.

Mommy.

Hello?

Danny, is that you?

How the hell did you

get down here?

Come on. Come on, Danny.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

I promise.

Come on. Come on.

You all right?

- Mom?

- sh*t!

They're here!

The demons are here! Run!

Let's go! Let's go!

Move, move, move!

Ugh!

Thanks, Chief.

Don't worry. They can't

get past the seal.

Homer.

This is for four years

of minimum wage, you as*h*le.

No!

Don't sh**t!

Uh-oh!

You broke the seal. Run!

Danny, go upstairs!

Come on. Move it!

You got an "I told you so"

coming to you. Next time.

At least we're all

in one piece.

- Sorry about that, Irene.

- It's okay. Vodka's kicking in.

- So what's the boy's name?

- Danny.

Hey, Danny.

How you doing?

Listen, what were you doing

down in the mines?

Well, the man, he came back. Yeah.

He got my parents.

I ran away.

Brayker!

It's all right.

I just have to check.

It's good to see you again,

Danny.

Hey, Bob.

How we fixed for a*mo?

Oh, not too good.

Yeah, I'm down to four.

How 'bout shotgun shells?

Not up here.

Oh, man, this is hopeless.

f*ck' hopeless.

Sons of b*tches.

Ahh!

They drew us into a g*dd*mn

ambush! What are you doing?

- We gotta get outta here.

- The real battle is ahead.

Sir, I-I don't understand.

Now take it.

Ohh!

No!

You're the one, Brayker.

You're the one.

Hey. You got us into this mess.

What are you gonna do to get us out?

We just have to survive

the night.

That's all I can tell

you. That's bullshit.

We're entitled to know

what's going on.

When I came here tonight,

I thought you'd be safe.

There are only five of you.

They need seven.

And then he came

with Bob and the sheriff.

It's like tumblers in a lock.

Everything has to line up.

- Seven stars, seven people...

- Yeah, yeah.

g*dd*mn it, I'm not making

these rules up!

And I didn't...

I didn't ask for this!

All right?

You wanna know what's going on?

Shall I tell ya?

In the beginning...

God created the heavens

and the earth.

You're talking Genesis.

That beginning?

And the earth was

a formless void...

...and darkness covered

the face of the deep.

But the darkness wasn't empty.

It was full of creatures.

Full of demons.

And they had seven keys

formed into a circle...

...to focus the power of the cosmos

into their hands...

...until God stepped forth

and said...

"Let there be light. "

And there was light.

And He scattered the demons...

and He scattered the keys...

...all across the universe.

Then we fast-forward about

two or three million millennia.

Now the demons are back.

They got six of the keys.

And one day they find

the seventh key here on earth.

To save it, God filled it

with the blood of a carpenter...

...who was being crucified

by the Romans...

...and gave it to a thief

named Sirach.

The blood ins... inside...

is that...

Some of it. Yeah.

It gets used, you see.

Sirach had to refill it.

Bad neck wound.

Talon caught

the artery here.

Most of what's in here now belonged

to a soldier named Dickerson.

Gave it to me in France.

August 23, 1917.

Funny how you remember

the big dates.

Jesus, that...

would make you, uh...

What happens when you

run out of blood?

- They bring back the darkness.

- Just like that?

Just like that.

So...

...now you know.

You feel better?

God, I wish I had

that bottle of vodka now.

I guess I owe you

an apology, Brayker.

You really got

some ba*ls, man.

You're a f*cking hero.

Where's Danny?

What?

Find him.

I'm gonna check in my

room. I'll look in my room.

Danny!

I'll stay here.

Danny?

Danny?

You in there?

Danny?

Do me a favor. Don't scream.

Just hear what I've gotta say.

And then scream.

You're so young. You've got so much

to live for and where the hell are you?

You're stuck in this house.

You're stuck in this town.

There's a great big world

out there, Jeryline.

You should travel.

You can see it all.

I can help you.

You want Paris, Rome, Athens?

You got it.

Course, if you don't help me,

that's a whole other picture.

Come on, let's be real. Brayker

isn't gonna get you out of here, okay?

Brayker can't even

get himself out.

Little secret:

The man's dead meat.

And if you stick with him,

you're gonna end up the same way.

Check this out.

I hate to even think about it.

It's a simple deal, Jeryline:

You let me in, I let you out.

Horrible, isn't it?

You know, it doesn't

have to be unpleasant.

Hell, I'd rather

it wasn't.

All right, I know

what you're thinking.

You give up your soul, you turn

into a demon, you look like sh*t.

Where's the payoff, right?

I'll make you a little promise.

Just give me what I want,

and nothing will happen to you.

Has anyone ever told you

how pretty you are?

I know that sounds like a line.

Lord knows I've used it.

But I mean it. You know, I can

see to it that you stay pretty.

Forever.

Think about that.

All you have to do

is say yes.

Do we have a deal?

Something tells me

you don't trust me.

That's all right.

We'll work on that.

You will give me what I want.

That's just the way it is.

And the sooner you

figure that out, the better.

Any sign of him?

Haven't seen him.

This doesn't make sense.

Anything?

Where's Uncle Willy? I haven't

seen his wrinkled butt neither.

Come on, Bob.

Willy, you son of a b*tch!

Hey, I found the kid.

I bet he found you. Probably

wanted to know what the smell was.

I forgot all about this place.

Willy, you get downstairs now.

You take the kid with you. Tell Brayker

to get his a*s and the key up here now!

Let's go.

Go on! Go on!

Okay. Okay.

Leave the bottle.

Party poopin' old b*tch.

Hey...

they hate that.

Brayker!

You in here?

Holy sh*t!

Hi, Uncle Willy.

Poor Uncle Willy!

You look like you've had

a long, hard day.

Oh, goodness!

I bet you could use a long,

hard one. I know I could.

Here you go, Uncle Willy.

Oh, yeah. Oh, Jesus! Try mine.

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, my God!

Uncle Willy,

are you okay?

Try mine.

Try mine.

Suck this one down,

Uncle Willy. Long hard one.

Nothing gets you f*cked up

faster. Am I right, girls?

Am I right?

Here's lookin' at you,

Uncle Willy.

There you go.

There you go.

Have another.

Knock yourself out.

Come on.

Drink more.

Jesus Christ! Those post

office folks were right.

Son of a b*tch! This guy

was reading all our mail.

What the hell?

sh*t! Wally was

crazier than I thought.

Give me your light, Bob.

Oh, God!

He was planning to take out

the post office for Cordelia.

Well, if he was...

...he didn't have

any b*ll*ts to do it.

Whoooo-eee!

Then again...

Willy?

- Danny?

- Ahhh!

No! Stop it!

Oh, yeah! We got

a whole lot of trouble!

- Jeryline! Help!

- Let go!

- Jeryline! Jeryline!

- You will give me what I want.

Hello!

I'm your waiter, Skip.

Our special today

is poached appendage.

Market price, of course.

I recommend the finger food.

Want your arm back, Irene?

I can make it happen.

Is that a yes? No. That's me

giving you the finger, as*h*le.

I'll get back to you.

Willy, don't make me do this.

Willy.

Stop!

Please stop, mister!

Please don't

make me do this.

Put him down!

Hello?

Mr. Roach! What

have you got there?

I want out of here,

and I'm lookin' to cut a deal.

- Well, let's talk about it.

- Put him down!

- Stop!

- Jeryline.

You wouldn't hurt your old

Uncle Willy now, would you, baby?

Jesus!

Oh, man!

sh*t!

- Get the eyes!

- I heard that.

- Get the eyes!

- Get away!

Ew!

Oh, boy!

- How do I know you ain't gonna k*ll me?

- You have my word.

Frankly, we've been

counting on you, haven't we?

The world needs more people

like you, Mr. Roach.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You don't mind

if we k*ll the others?

Hey, if it makes you

feel good, do it.

"If it makes you feel

good, do it. " Exactly.

First things first,

of course.

The blood seal.

Listen,

on a personal note.

Be sure and k*ll Brayker.

He's a bossy as*h*le.

Isn't he, though?

- Thank you.

- That's it?

- Ooh, that's it.

- You ain't such a bad fellow.

You aren't so bad

yourself.

Oh, a pleasure doing business

with you, Mr. Roach.

Well... You know this...

"hell on earth" business?

Big f*cking deal!

I got hemorrhoids.

Vaya con Dios.

And a vaya con diablos

to you too, sir.

There's just one more thing

I forgot to mention: I lied.

Anybody home?

Come on out, everybody?

It's time to play!

Hello?

Or not.

Come on, Brayker, move your a*s.

Grab the case and get over here.

Let's go.

Cleo!

Come on, baby.

Yeah.

Go.

I want you all up

in the steeple now!

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna cover the rear.

Get your asses up there!

Goooo!

Up. Up, up, up!

This is my house, and I make

the rules! Now get up there!

sh*t!

Supper time.

Only enough

for one entrance.

Is that all there is?

That's all.

The window.

What did you

do that for?

Take it.

What?

Out of the seven, you're the only

one left. You're the chosen one.

That's what I came here to do.

Give you this key.

Can I have it?

Danny, no!

Aaaah!

Danny! Stop it!

Let him go right now!

No!

Danny, no!

sh*t! Oh, Jesus!

Brayker, I'm so sorry.

Don't be.

You k*lled him, right?

That's all that's important.

You're ready.

Ready for what?

For the key.

Give me the key.

Brayker, I can't do this. I'm not

the right person for this sh*t!

He tried to seduce you,

didn't he?

He tried.

You're exactly

the right kind of person.

Give me your hand.

I can't, Brayker.

He's still down there.

Come on!

When the stars line up,

you'll know what to do.

I can't tell you how long.

Maybe a lifetime.

Maybe several.

And on that day,

you'll fight.

And when that night is over,

you'll do what I just did.

Watch your back,

Jeryline.

Watch your back.

Brayker?

Don't you leave me!

Brayker! Wake up!

Come on. Wake up.

See that, Jeryline?

I was right

about Brayker.

He's dead.

You, you're still here,

aren't you?

I'm not gonna hurt you

unless you make me.

You just stay

where you are.

Personally, I was hoping

we could avoid this.

Just pour the blood out. Save

yourself the years of running.

I mean, really,

what's the point?

It all ends up

the same way.

Look at you.

You must be in exquisite pain.

All covered with blood.

That's right.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oooh!

It's not my blood.

b*tch!

It's curtains for you,

baby. Come on!

I'm sure you're familiar

with the relationship... No!

Between cleanliness

and godliness. No! No!

Well, let me

tell you something.

That's the first thing

I'm gonna change.

No, you don't.

How was that? Good.

I liked those too.

Damn!

Brayker didn't have time

to tell you everything.

That eyeball sh*t

only works on low-level demons.

I know.

Who makes up all these rules?

Upsy-daisy!

This is a special day

for me, Jeryline.

I waited a long time for this

promotion, and I have to tell you...

You know, I-I'm glad that it's

you who could share it with me.

Don't feel bad

about giving up the key...

...because by the time your race

finds out what happened...

...well, they'll look like

last week's leftovers anyway.

So... Cheer up.

Thanks.

I warned you.

I told you what would happen.

You didn't believe me.

I forgive you.

I know what you're thinking:

"He's got the key. What else

could he possibly want now?"

I want you. You know...

...no one's ever brought a demon

knight over to the other side before.

Well, not in one piece,

anyway.

Honey, you'd be the first.

There'd be a period

of adjustment, of course.

I'm very easy to live with,

I'm clean, I don't drink much...

...and I know my folks

are gonna love you.

I notice you're not

saying anything. Hmm?

Is that because you're thinking of something

to say? What is there to think about?

There was a time when a coy

silence was appreciated in a woman.

Well, this is not

one of those times...

...and you're really starting

to piss me off!

Down, boy!

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I didn't mean

to get angry. I...

Jeryline. Jeryline...

I'm gonna say something to you

I haven't said t-to anyone.

Jeryline, I lo... You.

Jeryline, I lo... You.

Jeryline, do you think you could

ever find it in your heart...

...to possibly lo... Me?

Didn't think so.

All right, let's...

Ah, f*ck it!

You will die. But at least

we'll be together forever.

If I can't have your soul,

I'm gonna take your heart.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hold on.

No. It's okay.

I'll wait for the next one.

Ahhh!

I love "scarnations. "

You'll be happy

to know, kiddies...

...that Jeryline lived

happily ever after.

In fact, I even got

a "ghostcard" from her.

She's traveling the world

and having a fabulous time.

As for me, I'm afraid

I've got to hurry.

Tonight's our big

"screamiere. "

Hello.

Hello, hello.

Ah, the whole

fan club is here.

Hello,

baby-booby-bubby.

Uh-oh! I think my producers

are trying to tell me something.

Well, what do you know!

I asked for final cut,

and I got it!

Now that's "inter-tainment"!

Oh, still here, creeps?

What's the matter? Didn't get

your minimum deadly allowance...

...of m*rder,

madness and mayhem?

Then look out

for my next motion picture...

Dead Easy, coming very soon

to a theater near you.