And Jim, can I have all your guppies?
(CHUCKLING) And I win again.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)
If only they had Go Fish tables in Vegas.
Yeah, or Old Maid.
(MOCKING)
Are there any popsicles left?
Yeah, I think there was one left.
Oh, I call it. It's mine, mine, mine, mine!
All right!
Hello!
Wow, look at my little ninja! (CHUCKLING)
How'd she do?
Honey, she is so great. Show Daddy.
Hai-ya!
Ah, yeah! Way to go!
Now can I have my popsicle?
Of course, honey.
Oh, actually, sweetie, Uncle Andy...
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Let it play out.
GRACIE: Hai-ya!
Cheryl,
Gracie's not sharing.
JIM: Oh, baby!
BOTH: Three, two, one.
Yes!
Exactly hours till our beloved Chicago Bears
(IMITATES CROWD SCREAMING)
take the field against their arch-rival, the Green Bay Packers!
Boo!
Are you ready for some football?
Oh, yeah, Monday night football, baby!
And we're going! My son's first game!
Chest bump!
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Yeah! (HOWLS)
No. Ow! Take the pen out of the pocket!
Daddy, Daddy, we made a shirt for Kyle's first football game.
Oh, look at that shirt. You got...
What do you got here? You got rainbows, starfish. Who's this on the pony?
That's the Olsen twins.
Oh! Isn't that cute?
But don't you think Chicago Bears should be somewhere on this shirt?
I told you!
Are they coming to the game?
Sadly, a sleepover was scheduled for the same night!
Yes! Yeah!
Ow! Wedding ring!
I'm sorry. That hurt.
All right, Andy, we got the game...
Listen, I want everyone to know I had nothing to do with this!
With what? With what?
With that... What?
That... That... That Packers ball.
(STAMMERING) Cheryl...
(TALKING GIBBERISH)
It's a Packers ball.
Yes, it is! I'm sorry.
Again, I had nothing to do with bringing this filth inside your house.
Cheryl!
Kyle was throwing a fit in the market. I had to do something.
Did you try parenting?
I mean, I spend all that money on those parent magazines.
Aren't you even reading them?
I put two quarters in the vending machine. That's just what came out.
I begged her to give him candy.
Ah, don't worry about it, Kyle.
Your daddy's here right now. Just give me the ball.
Mine.
I don't believe this is happening. You let this happen!
Would you calm down?
It's just a stupid little toy.
Oh, sure.
Why don't you just go out and get him some booze and a chainsaw?
Must I explain to you again
about the concept of the formative years?
I do not want Kyle forming into a cheesehead.
Honey.
He's gonna forget about this tomorrow. I promise.
Come on, would you just let it go?
I guess it's all right.
Okay. Yeah.
No big deal. Right, guys? (CHUCKLING)
Yeah. It's just a toy. Yeah, it's cool.
(CHUCKLING)
All right, let's get that ball. Okay.
Oh, I got an idea. I'll give him... What?
(SOFTLY) I'll give him a cupcake, and then you take the ball away.
Oh, it's like taking candy from a baby!
That's actually a fallacy.
Um, babies love candy,
and rarely do they let people take it from them.
Okay. Here you go, sweetie. Want a cupcake?
Mmm! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!
Mine.
Great. (SIGHS)
Now he's got the ball and the cupcake.
He is so your kid.
Jim! Jim, why aren't you dressed?
It's Kyle's wedding day.
Kyle? Kyle? Hmm.
Name sounds familiar, but, uh...
Oh, Jim. We've been waiting for this day for years.
He's your son.
Is he still a cheesehead?
Then I have no son!
Please, Dad. Please.
It's the most important day of my life.
Are you still a Packers fan?
Don't blame me. Blame Mom.
She's the one who gave me this stupid Packers ball during my formative years.
You were right, Jim. I couldn't raise the boy.
Can you give me the ball now?
Mine.
(EXCLAIMING)
(WHISPERING) All right, Kyle.
I pumped quarters in that vending machine,
and I finally got a Bears ball.
Yes!
That's my boy.
(SIGHS)
Does life get any better than this?
Yes, Jim, it does.
Hey, Dad? Yes?
Ready to go?
Jeez, Kyle.
Do we have to go to every single Bears game?
(BOTH EXCLAIMING GLEEFULLY)
Ah, I love you, Dad!
I love you, too, Son!
Hey, hey. Thanks for taking away that Packers ball
when I was in my formative years.
How can I ever repay you?
Well, there is the matter of the quarters.
Take it out of my college fund.
Yeah, about that. Um... (DOOR OPENS)
Hey, guys, come quick! It's raining donuts!
Kyle! Kyle, run upstairs quick!
Fill the bathtub full of coffee!
I've got the upside-down umbrella!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
KYLE: Green ball! Green ball!
(WHIMPERING) Green ball!
No, no, no, no, honey. Blue ball. Blue ball. Green ball!
Blue. Blue. Blue.
Oh, look at what you did. No, you... (FUSSING)
Not the green ball. You want the blue ball.
(WHIMPERING)
No! Green ball. Green ball! Green ball!
(BAWLING) Jim?
What's going on? Why is Kyle upset?
I don't know.
Maybe he's just letting out his feelings, you know?
You okay with that?
I mean, otherwise he could just stuff his feelings in
and, uh, drink them away like your Uncle Howard.
What? What are you talking about?
(WAILING)
Honey, where's his Packers ball? Green ball.
It's history. Here. Green ball.
This is the ball he should have.
No!
Would you give him the ball he wants?
Why? So he can grow up to be a Packers fan
and a drunk like your Uncle Howard?
He saw things in Korea he couldn't forget.
Now get him the ball he wants.
(CRYING)
Look. Look, here you... Yes. Okay?
Okay. Aw, that's a good boy.
Oh, Jim. What?
That doesn't make him a Packers fan. It's just a ball to him.
And you can't take it away from him, he's attached to it now.
It's his transitional object, like Ruby with that stuffed monkey.
Mr. Pickles? Yes.
We had to save a place at dinner for that thing.
Yes.
And I'm not eating with that.
And I'm not not eating.
Jim, all I'm saying is that eventually he'll give it up.
Eventually? The game is tonight!
And he's not bringing that ball to the game!
Maybe he will and maybe he won't,
but I'm not taking it away from him.
Look, Jim, no matter what you do,
Kyle's going to grow up to be his own person.
I'm sorry, sweetie,
but chances are he's not going to be a carbon copy of you.
(SIGHS) Oh...
I mean, you know, he might not even like sports.
Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Hey, check it out.
I made football-shaped pancakes in honor of tonight's game.
Can you imagine if real footballs were made of pancakes?
Or if goalposts were made of bacon?
Or if I had a girlfriend?
Cheryl. Cheryl. CHERYL: What?
You take that back. You take that back right now!
Take it back! What?
You said our son might not like sports.
(BOTH GASP)
Yeah, I said it.
And you'd be okay with that?
Well, if that's what he wants.
(BOTH GASP)
I don't care if he's a Packers fan or a Bears fan,
or a Democrat or a Republican,
or meat-eater or vegetarian.
All right, that's it.
Right after breakfast, I'm storming out of this house.
Cheryl, I don't understand. I thought you were a Bears fan.
No, no, honey. You're a Bears fan.
And I married you, so I support you.
What does that mean?
If you were with a Packers fan, you'd be a Packers fan?
If I loved him, and he didn't annoy me
every day of my life.
Well, thank God you were never with a Packers fan.
Right?
(MOUTHING) Stop.
Woman! The truth!
Have you ever been with a Packers fan?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
I'm in a mixed marriage.
It was just a couple of dates in college.
Oh, please, honey, tell me it was a girl. That I could deal with.
It was just some guy who happened to be a Packers fan.
Did the two of you ever, you know,
go to a game together?
No.
Oh, Jim, she's lying. JIM: What?
She went to a game, and she loved it.
She came home and she said
she never screamed so loud in her life. (GASPS)
That's what you said after our first game.
Well, you made me feel like I'd never been to a game before.
Are we still talking about sports?
'Cause if not, I haven't been to a game in six months.
Jim, just 'cause I dated a Packers fan,
it doesn't make me a bad person.
No, it makes you a bad American, Cheryl.
You hate America?
Hate apple pie?
She sure cooks it like she does.
And you know what else? It makes you a bad influence on our boy.
Whoa! Wait a minute. Now I'm a bad mother?
Why aren't you dropping your forks now?
Cheryl, I didn't say you were a bad mother.
You're a great mother. For the girls.
But boys need to be raised by men, the way nature intended it.
You know what? You make a good point.
That's a good point. Why don't you take Kyle and make him a man,
and I'll go get my hair and nails done, you know, the way nature intended.
Oh, I'll make him a man, all right. Right, Andy?
Yes, siree, diddly-deedly.
And I'm gonna do a little work on you, too.
All right, listen up, guys.
Today we are building ourselves a brand-new sports fan!
What kind of sports fan, Jim?
Why, the best kind, Andy. A Chicago Bears fan!
ALL: Bears! Bears! Bears!
(WHISPERING) Bears! Bears! Bears! Don't scare the kid!
Bears, Bears, Bears.
Our mission today is to get him to reject this ball of evil
and accept this ball
of purity, good and light!
(IMITATES TRUMPET)
And in order to do that,
we're going to teach this young man, my son,
about the greatest year in Bears history!
ALL: (CHANTING) ', '!
(SHUSHING)
ALL: (SOFTLY) '! '! '!
Look, Jim, he likes it. He's smiling.
Yeah! Quick, quick, quick! Get the flash cards!
You're doing good, boy. You're doing good.
Mike Ditka, leader of men.
No heart att*ck's gonna stop him from smoking.
ALL: Nah!
Jim McMahon, the quarterback.
He once mooned a news crew.
Whoa, he's cool.
(GASPING) Look, look at that, samurai Mike Singletary.
Look at them crazy eyes! Ooh! Ooh!
Jim, he's loving this.
Yes, yes, quick, the Super Bowl Shuffle.
Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.
(ALL CHANTING)
Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy!
Okay, Super Bowl XX. It's -.
Who does Ditka bring in?
"Refrigerator" Perry.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Hut, hut, hut, hike!
(ALL GRUNTING)
Yeah!
Yeah!
That's it. Spike the ball. Spike the ball.
Spike the ball like Uncle Andy did.
Spike it. Spike the ball.
Take the little ball and go spike!
ALL: Yeah!
You are my boy!
Well, boys, it looks like we have a brand-new Bears fan.
All right, lunch is over. Get out of here.
Hey, Kenny, get rid of this.
-, boss.
You see, Andy, that's how you raise a boy.
You don't hand him the enemy flag when he's crying.
No, you get a bunch of construction workers to dance for him.
That's right. That's right. Amen, brother.
All right, my little son, my little Bears fan.
Here is your first Bears ball.
KYLE: Green ball!
ANDY: Try it again.
This is your first Bears ball. Here you go.
(CHUCKLING)
KYLE: No! Green ball. Green ball.
(SQUEALING) Green ball! No, no, no, no green ball.
Come here, honey. You're a Bears fan now.
No more green ball. Blue ball. Blue ball. (WAILING)
Yeah, you're a Bears fan. There you go.
I can't stand this crying.
Listen, just ignore it. He'll get over it. It'll pass.
(KYLE BAWLING)
We got to get that ball back.
BOTH: Kenny!
Sent that ball straight to hell!
Whoo!
What's he crying about?
Hey, kid, come here. Come here, come here.
I'll tell you what. Here's three bucks.
You buy that Packers ball for me,
and you can keep the change.
Hi.
Hi.
Can I help you?
Yes, I need something.
I need, uh, a couple things, actually. Uh...
I need some golf tees.
And ankle weights, of course.
Some squash balls. I'm running low.
And then I'll have a little, uh... (MUMBLES) Packers ball.
Excuse me. What?
(MUMBLING)
No. No. No, no. Over there.
No. No. No. No, no!
Packers ball!
Did you just say you wanted a Packers ball?
Me? No, I didn't say anything like that.
I mean, I'm buying one... I mean, to torch it.
Do you take checks?
Hey, this guy over here is buying a Packers ball.
What are you, some kind of cheesehead?
(LAUGHING) No, no, no, no, no, not me. Actually...
Actually, it's for my son.
You know, he's two years old. What are you gonna do?
You let your kid play with a Packers ball?
Well, he doesn't play with it.
He just sleeps with it.
Like a doll?
What the hell kind of boy you raising?
Hopefully a happy one.
You got a problem with that?
(WHIMPERING)
It's okay. It's okay.
(BAWLING)
(MOUTHING)
Okay, okay. Green ball, green ball, green ball.
(BOTH SIGH)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened to you?
Ah, I got in a fight in there.
Some guy pushed me, I pushed him, and I...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell that to the dump truck.
Get that thing out of here.
There's no trash cans here.
Find a mailbox!
Get it out of here!
Ah!
(MUTTERING)
This is just the beginning, isn't it?
The beginning of all the things that make you happy and drive me nuts.
Hmm?
Thanks for sticking up for me in there.
I'm your dad. It's my job.
Now matter how dumb your decisions are.
Sorry.
Yeah.
It's all right.
You didn't mean it.
Not this time.
But it's coming, right?
Oh, yeah. Big time.
So no matter what I do,
you're gonna be who you're gonna be, huh?
Yep.
There's nothing I can do about it?
Nope.
I could ground you.
I could get a nose ring.
Okay. Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
(SIGHS)
As much as it's going to piss me off,
I'll
deal with it.
Yeah?
Yeah.
But it'll make it a lot easier if you're a sports fan.
Green ball. Green ball. (CHUCKLES)
Don't rub it in.
Hey, Jim. What? What? What?
Jim? What?
Hey, how do you think they get the grass so green?
(ALL CHEERING)
You know, you really should ask them,
'cause our lawn looks like crap.
Cheryl, watch the game.
You're here to learn about men and football,
and to change the kid's diapers.
And to be designated driver.
Mmm-hmm. Speaking of, three more beers, sweetheart.
Hey, beer guy! Three more big boys right here!
Well done, Cheryl.
I mean, it's the peanut guy,
but very good technique.
You may help me raise our son.
(LAUGHS)
Aw, look at him. He's so happy with his little Packers ball.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Well, as long as he's happy.
See, Cheryl, sometimes you do get through to me.