(PLAYING WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN)
Yeah! (LAUGHING)
Who's this? This is Buster.
I installed a sink in his house,
and he couldn't pay for it,
so we're doing a barter thing.
So, uh, something snappy for the young lady.
Oh, no... Oh, God.
(PLAYING CAMPTOWN RACES)
(PLAYING GREENSLEEVES)
(PLAYING BY THE LIGHT OF THE SILVERY MOON)
You know what, honey? No, this is too weird.
It's too weird. I got to go upstairs.
All right, Buster, that's it for the night.
Sign off.
(PLAYING THE STAR- SPANGLED BANNER)
(INAUDIBLE)
JIM: Oh, baby!
RUBY: Shut up! GRACIE: No, you shut up!
For the last time, no fighting,
or no TV for a month!
Cheryl, how do you expect me to baby-sit
if I can't stick them in front of the TV?
Oh, um, I'm sorry.
All right, no dessert for a month!
Well, how do you think I get them in the bathtub?
Well, now...
Stop fighting!
Mom, Gracie called me a cat butt.
Mom, Gracie called me cat butt.
She's copying me. She's copying me.
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
(CHUCKLING) Cheryl...
Let me.
Girls, I sense some unresolved issues.
Why don't we all just sit down
and draw our feelings?
I'm going to draw you, Aunt Dana. Aw.
With all those lines on your forehead.
Oh, like you're going to be seven forever, cat butt.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
Hey. Hey, Cheryl.
Cheryl, look, I was thinking,
it's a beautiful Saturday,
the whole family is together,
so Andy and I are going to go down to the lumberyard
and sh**t the breeze with some of the weekend guys. Come on.
No, no, no, wait, wait, honey, honey, honey.
If you're going out, you got to take the girls with you.
You can't take kids
to a high-stakes Chinese checker game.
Jim, seriously, they've been driving me crazy all week.
You got to get them out of my hair.
(SIGHING)
"Let's have three." Those were your words.
All right.
Girls.
Hey, girls, do you like ponies?
BOTH: Uh-huh.
Hey, you want to see some ponies run around a track
with little men on their backs?
BOTH: Yeah!
All right, let's...
No, you are not taking them to the racetrack.
It's completely inappropriate.
They're just... They're little girls.
Oh, come on, Cheryl. Don't you think
you're overreacting a little bit?
No, Jim, I think I'm being a responsible parent.
I don't know. If you were that responsible,
you wouldn't be sticking them with me today.
Hey, there's a new Piggie movie playing.
Piggie's Day Off. That's perfect.
Can we go? Can we?
Daddy, can we?
BOTH: Please, please, please?
(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) Sure, girls. Thanks.
Ow!
All right, girls, the Piggie movie it is.
Let's go. GIRLS: Yay!
Come on, Andy.
Piggie. Yeah.
Um, this was the weekend
I was supposed to hit myself in the face with a hammer, but, uh...
You guys have fun.
Uh-uh. This little piggie's going. Come on, let's go.
Honey, honey, honey, honey.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Um, would you pick up some dinner on your way back?
Oh, you'll be rested. You can cook.
All right, come on, girls.
Okay, here we go. Piggie's Day Off.
You know, what's he need a day off from?
He's a pig.
Actually, Jim, he does have a job.
He's a male nurse.
You don't think he takes that home with him?
Oh, please.
(g*nshots IN MOVIE)
JIM AND ANDY: Oh, Robot Warrior: Cyber Death.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
(expl*si*n IN MOVIE)
Listen... Listen to that.
I bet that's wall-to-wall action.
I hear the helicopter chase cost $ million.
Oh! Oh!
All right, come on.
Daddy, we want to see the Robot Warrior.
(CHUCKLING) Well, we're going to see Piggie's Day Off.
But everybody at school saw Robot Warrior,
and they said it was awesome.
Everybody.
Awesome.
MAN IN MOVIE: Her eyes are laser beams!
(SCREAMING) My face!
Well, the k*ller robot is a chick.
Cheryl's always yapping about
how the girls need strong female role models.
No.
Come on, let's go see what Piggie's up to.
♪ Lollipops and moonbeams
♪ Horsies and baby dreams
♪ These are the sweetest things
♪ That we share ♪
All the kids in your class saw Robot Warrior?
We're the only ones who didn't see it.
And whenever they talk about it,
we just have to stand there by ourselves and be sad.
You hear that, Andy?
My kids,
they're being shunned by their peers.
Been down that road.
That Cheryl's just being overprotective again.
Uh-uh. Forget it.
If all the other kids are doing it,
it's got to be okay.
I see no fault in that logic.
Come on.
(g*nshots)
(EXPLOSIONS)
Man, I do not want to be here
years in the future
when all that goes down.
Ruby, look, my eyes are lasers.
(IMITATES SOUND EFFECTS)
(SCREAMING) My face!
Stop it! You're freaking me out!
Girls, girls, come here.
You cannot do that when we get home.
Why?
Well, remember how left out you felt
when all the other kids in your class
saw Robot Warrior and you didn't?
You want Mommy to feel that way?
No. We love Mommy.
So do I.
And every time I think of her, my heart melts,
just like the president's face in the movie.
So you have to remember
that when Mommy asks you about the movie,
you say, "Piggie's Day Off was awesome!"
Try it.
BOTH: Piggie's Day Off was awesome!
Oh, that's great, my girls.
This is going to be great. This is going to be great.
Next time Cheryl gives me the "inappropriate" speech,
I'm going to say, "Ha! I took the girls
"to see Robot Warrior and they're fine."
You really gonna say, "Ha"?
"Ha, got you..." I don't know. I'll play it by ear.
All right, girls. Come on.
You guys go ahead.
I think I left my keys in the theater.
♪ Teddy bears and rainbows
♪ Fluffy clouds and twinkle toes ♪
Adorable.
Oh.
Keeping the abs tight for your main man?
No, honey, I'm keeping them tight for you.
Mmm, bedroom banter. Ooh.
I believe I know what comes next.
So tell me,
what did you do today while I was with the girls?
Oh, honey, it was unbelievable.
I took a shower in the middle of the day,
and then I ate a sandwich sitting down.
You know, honey, I got to tell you,
it does turn me on
when you're in totally responsible dad mode.
Really? Yeah.
Did I mention I made the kids
wear seat belts on the way home?
(GASPS)
Oh, baby.
Mommy, Daddy!
Help! Help!
What's the matter?
We're scared! We're afraid of robots!
Robots? Where's that coming from?
(GROANS) I don't know.
Can we sleep with you and Daddy?
Yeah. Yes.
Yes, of course you can.
Come on, girls, nobody can hurt you.
Mommy and Daddy are here.
Snuggle in. There you go.
Hey, Cheryl.
Care to go downstairs for a
midnight snack?
No, honey, not tonight.
How about just a snack for me?
Go ahead.
Fine.
I'll just get something to eat.
So, girls, can you tell Mommy what's scaring you?
Or we can all go down for ice cream!
GIRLS: Yay!
Jim, what are you doing?
It's :. It's not talk time.
You said you wanted the freezer defrosted.
Well, it's time to put them to work.
♪ Lollipops and moonbeams
♪ Horsies and baby dreams
♪ These are the sweetest... ♪
Jim?
Jim?
(WHISPERS) Give Andy a raise.
(LOUDLY) Hey, Jim, wake up.
Oh. Was I sleeping?
(CHUCKLING) Yeah.
Oh.
You know what? For some reason,
I feel like giving you a raisin.
No, I...
I...
Girls still keeping you up at night?
Oh, third night in a row.
Guess your "ha" defense sort of fell apart.
(SIGHING) Yeah.
You know, I keep hearing
how kids become too desensitized by v*olence.
When is that going to happen to my kids?
Oh, good, Jim.
Hey, when I was dropping the girls off,
I ran into Gracie's teacher.
She wants to see us today after school.
(EXCLAIMS) Cheryl, how many times have I told you?
When you drop the kids off,
don't make eye contact with the teacher.
Look, whatever is keeping her up at night
is affecting her at school, Jim.
You really got to be there.
Ooh.
I don't know if that can happen.
I got this work thing, uh...
Right, Andy? With a guy...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, it's a double work thing.
With two guys.
Right, it's a...
It's gonna take twice as long. Yeah.
You'll probably have to buy me dinner.
Jim, I'm really worried.
Oh, relax, Cheryl. I'm sure it's no big deal.
Dana, you don't understand. You don't have kids.
Why do you have to keep bringing that up?
What, you want me to go out
and breed with some hobo off the street
just so I can understand your secret parent language?
You know, you must have a hobo already lined up
or else you wouldn't have said that.
(MOUTHING)
Don't you even want to know what's going on with Gracie?
DANA: You know what?
I read in Cosmo
that when kids have irrational fears,
you got to get inside their head
and help them deal with it.
Dana's right. We should ignore it until it goes away.
Fine, fine.
I'll go by myself and figure this thing out.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I didn't say I didn't want to go.
I mean...
Okay, when is it?
:.
:?
Okay. Okay.
You know, that's when Mickey does this.
♪ Lollipops and moonbeams... ♪
(EXCLAIMING IN FRUSTRATION)
CHERYL: Hi.
Sorry to keep you waiting. Have a seat.
As I mentioned to Cheryl,
I'm concerned about Gracie.
Lately, I've noticed a change.
There's a lot of anxiety.
Well, it's probably just puberty.
Jim, she's seven.
Well, she knows it's coming.
It's got to be
flipping her out.
I'd like to show you what I'm talking about.
A week ago, Gracie was drawing things like this.
Kittens, rainbows...
Santa and God eating a hamburger together.
Isn't that cute?
That's a good-looking hamburger. Yeah.
Now, look at this.
It's clearly some kind of mechanical monster,
female and it looks very angry.
Oh, my God.
Well, it's not that bad. I mean, come on.
Look, there's Santa right there in the corner.
Yes, and he's been ripped apart by the robot.
Well, you know what we're going to do
is we're going to go right home
and we're going to punish Gracie
till she learns her lesson.
It is so good to see you again.
You know what? Thanks for keeping us in the loop.
Come on, Cheryl. Jim, Jim.
I think I know what this is about.
You do?
Yes.
Yes, remember last week,
when I was so angry and frustrated with the girls?
Gracie's just expressing her feelings.
This is me.
Oh, I...
I don't think that's it.
No, no, it is.
I was yelling like a maniac,
and... Oh.
I'm the robot.
Well...
Now at least we know what the problem is.
Gracie thinks I'm a monster.
Who knows how it's affecting Ruby?
I'm an awful, awful mother.
Oh, come on.
Don't say that.
You're a great mother.
You just snapped.
You know, there should be a list of stuff
you can't put in the microwave.
So how'd it go with Gracie's teacher?
Oh, not so good. Where are the kids?
Well, Kyle's napping,
and I think the girls are upstairs playing.
You think?
What kind of babysitter are you?
A free one. Carry on.
Girls, could you come down here, please?
I need to talk to you.
Oh, Cheryl, I don't think you want to do that.
Jim, there's a problem here.
Well...
Oh, thank God they were upstairs.
Good. (FAKING NERVOUS LAUGHTER)
Girls, remember last week
when Mommy was yelling at you
for fighting all the time?
Well...
I think I scared you.
I am very sorry.
You do know that Mommy loves you very, very much, don't you?
We love you, too, Mommy.
Aw.
What a nice moment.
Okay, girls, who wants to go in the garage
and check out Daddy's new nail g*n?
GIRLS: Yay!
Gracie, Gracie, honey?
(SIGHING)
Is this how you see Mommy?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
That's not you.
Oh! What a load off. Okay, nail g*n time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Well, who is it?
That's the scary robot from the movie.
The movie? Yeah.
Piggie's Day Off.
Great movie.
And don't take my word for it.
Ask the girls what they thought of Piggie's Day Off.
BOTH: (MECHANICALLY) Piggie's Day Off was awesome.
Yeah!
Yeah.
Tell me about Piggie's scary robot friend.
Well, she came from the future,
and she had metal teeth, and she was really mean.
And she took off her shirt, and her boobies were g*ns.
Yeah.
The poor little pig never had a chance.
Hey.
Who wants to go upstairs and play with Mommy's makeup?
GIRLS: Yay!
Jim.
What?
Can't I make myself pretty for you?
What movie did you take them to?
Robot Warrior: Cyber Death.
Now, I know it doesn't sound like a family movie,
but there was a very loving family in it,
although they got chopped up pretty fast.
How could you let me b*at myself up over this?
On the way home, you said I should
take an anger management course.
Well, look at your face right now.
Tell me you don't need one.
Come on, they said they wanted to see it.
Oh, and we should let the kids decide what's best?
Maybe we should let them have cookie dough for dinner.
We are not having cookie dough for dinner.
Look, all the other kids in their class saw the movie.
You want our kids to be left out,
to feel different, to be shunned?
Jim...
I know all the other kids in their class,
and I know those kids' mothers,
and none of them have seen that movie.
Really?
Really, Jim.
They played you,
'cause they knew I'd never take them to see it.
They lied to me?
Where do they get that?
I can't believe those little sneaks.
Jim, it's up to us to protect them
from what they're not ready for.
And they are not ready for robots with boob g*ns.
Neither is mankind, Cheryl.
I'll talk to them.
Yeah.
But just so you know,
the robots don't use those boob g*ns
unless it's the last resort.
Hi, Daddy.
Don't "Hi, Dad" me, you little sneaks.
Now, come on.
I know that none of your friends went and saw that movie.
We're sorry, Daddy.
Yeah.
Want me to get you some potato chips?
Oh, baby.
No, there you go again.
You're playing me again, aren't you?
You girls.
Daddy, will you stay with us the whole night,
so we won't be scared?
(SIGHING)
Honey, I can't do that,
but I can show you how not to be scared.
All right?
Guess what's in the bag.
A bicycle?
A gorilla?
Okay, look at the size of the bag.
Does that even make sense?
(GIRLS GASP) All right, calm down.
Calm down. Relax.
Who's behind the mask?
You.
That's right. Me.
And I'm not a robot, am I?
Well, neither was the woman in the movie.
She was an actress playing a part.
She'll probably play a lot of different parts
in a lot of different movies until she turns .
Okay, now touch this.
Touch it.
It's just plastic.
That's right.
Made in a factory.
Probably by little girls just like yourselves.
Cool! Cool!
Okay, now, look...
(CRACKLES)
You see?
Just because it looks real, it doesn't mean it is.
Now look at me.
Do you understand?
Is Piggie real?
Is the tooth fairy real?
Yes.
Yes.
Tooth fairy's real,
Piggie's real.
Actually, the rule of thumb is,
if they're good guys, they're real.
If they're bad guys, they're not real.
What if a vampire helped people?
Would he be real?
(SIGHING)
Yeah.
But he still sucks people's blood.
Okay, okay, there's some loopholes there.
I don't want to talk about it right now.
Now, look at me.
Are the two of you going to be all right tonight?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay, you're going to stay right here in your own beds?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Jim, are you still awake?
Uh-huh.
Aw, is it the girls?
No.
♪ These are the sweetest things that we share
♪ Teddy bears and rainbows
♪ Fluffy clouds and twinkle toes
(MOUTHING)
♪ More of the sweetest things that we share
♪ Lollipops and moonbeams
♪ Horsies and baby dreams ♪