Boy, two seconds left.
I could just run out the clock and end the game.
Or kick an easy field goal and win by five.
What should I do?
Just kick it already!
I think I will.
(LAUGHS)
Here's the snap, and the kick.
She blocked it!
I got the ball!
Run, Gracie, run!
No!
She could go all the way!
Oops.
Game called on account of darkness.
I can't believe you did that, Andy.
Yeah, well, it's a tough world, Dana.
Kid's gotta learn she can't win all the time.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
She flushed my keys, didn't she?
No, that was your wallet.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
And those were your keys.
(INAUDIBLE)
JIM: Oh, baby!
Oh, look, there we are decorating the gym for the prom.
Look at your bangs, very Debbie Gibson.
Yeah. I wasn't going for fashion.
I was hiding a zit that looked like a third eye.
Oh.
All hail the conquering paintball heroes.
Let the victory feast commence!
Well, I got some fruit salad.
Yeah, that's what I meant, fruit salad.
How'd it go?
Oh, honey, it went great, really great.
We were like the ultimate warriors, you know?
We were tasting fear, dealing out death,
crawling through mud.
And the mud's actually really good for your pores.
Remember how I had dry patches?
You see, this is why your own guys sh**t you.
You know, I just don't get the whole paintball thing,
grown men playing w*r. It's just so weird.
Really? Yeah?
How about a bunch of women getting together
once a week to chat about school?
That's the PTA.
Ah, you two, I'm gonna watch the game.
No, no, no.
You are not going in my living room like that.
Dana, take him out and hose him off.
Ooh, can I use the power hose?
That's why we got it!
Ow! Ow.
Hey, honey.
How would you like to have a five-course
gourmet dinner tomorrow night?
Ooh, I'd love to.
And how about if we cooked it ourselves in a cooking class?
You didn't let me finish, but I can't.
Oh, come on, don't be so Jim.
I'm not.
I thought it was something fun we could do together.
Well, we could have sex.
That's fun.
And we almost always do that together.
Come on. We don't want to end up one of those couples
who has nothing in common once their kids go away.
I mean, do you want to end up on a park bench
with nothing to say to each other, just feeding the pigeons?
Yeah, the park, that's kind of a long walk.
Honey, all we ever do together anymore
is eat pizza and watch TV.
That's not true. Come on.
Last week, we had some Chinese food,
and we did that romantic thing where we fed each other.
You stealing food off my plate is not feeding each other.
Cheryl, cooking class? Cooking class?
I'm a guy. I don't go to cooking class.
Honey, there are gonna be guys there.
Really? It's for couples. Yeah.
And look. It's more of a grilling demonstration.
Grilling?
Come on, give it a try.
All you have to do is just sit there and eat.
I do like to eat.
Almost as much as you like sitting.
You're playing to my strengths.
Ah!
All right.
Oh, honey, thank you!
Ah! Ah! Ow!
Stop! Stop!
Dear God in heaven, stop!
Okay, wait, wait, wait. I'm gonna turn it on high.
(SCREAMING)
(GASPS) Oh!
Cheryl, where are the guys?
You said there'd be guys here.
You said "couples." That means guys.
There's a guy. There's a guy.
Yeah. He was a guy, like, years ago, honey.
Oh, Jim.
What, that's the grill?
This is grilling? That's the grill?
That's a little girl's grill with all the pink.
If they're serving fish, I'm out of here.
Jim, the important thing is we're together, right?
I guess so.
Okay, now just try to have a good time and stop complaining.
Fine.
My shoes are too tight.
Stop. Sit.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Cynthia Cookson,
as in "I will 'cook-son' delicious food for you tonight."
(LAUGHING)
Some of you may know me from my Channel news cooking segment
called Grills Gone Wild.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Whoo-whoo-whoo!
Yeah, we have some fun.
So before we begin, does anyone have any questions?
Yeah! When are we gonna eat?
(LAUGHING)
Hey, man.
Looks like somebody brought their hungry, hungry hubby.
Well...
How nice.
To truly understand grilling, we must first understand flavor,
so let's begin with an A to Z of spices.
Oh. A to Z?
How many spices are there?
A, anise.
Anus.
Jim.
Anise. It has a mild flavor which resembles licorice.
And it is a must in Southeast Asian cooking.
Okay, we're almost ready with our marinade.
Now, remember, Jim, we're whisking.
We're not trying to b*at it unconscious.
It's either you or the sauce, lady.
Hey.
What? What?
I'm not complaining. I'm whisking.
Damn it. Now I know the word "whisking."
Okay, our steak is ready and grilled to perfection.
Me first! Me first! This is the line.
Line starts here.
What's this?
Where's the rest of the steak?
Well, there's people in the class.
You want everyone to have a sample, don't you?
No. I don't know these people.
Cynthia, Jim's pretty hungry from all that whisking.
Don't you think you could "cook-son" more steak?
No, and that "cook-son" thing,
you know, that's kind of my trademark,
so I would just go ahead and not say that.
Nothing.
I didn't even chew!
Take mine.
It's like taking a meat pill.
Hey, buddy.
Is that Betty Grable over there?
Okay, dessert time, and I'm going to need a lemon zester,
and the zestiest person here is...
Jim?
You know, we could plot to k*ll her.
That's something we can do together.
Oh.
And I know all the spices I could use.
Look. I drew a pony.
I drew a forest.
I drew Frank Gehry's groundbreaking museum in Bilbao, Spain.
Your lines are crooked.
It's called "forced perspective."
And since we're being critical,
let's talk about your blue trees.
Hello!
Mommy! Daddy!
Hello, my little girls.
Well, how were they?
Cute, but untalented.
Why don't you girls go brush your teeth, and we'll be right up?
So, did you have fun?
Well, fun usually means fun, so, no.
Well, maybe it would have been fun
if you'd stop complaining and tried to have a good time.
Hey, I told you I didn't want to go!
No, you said you would go.
Then you made it very clear you didn't
want to be there, which is worse.
Too hungry to hear! Too hungry to hear!
Hey, can you hear this? I ate the last lamb chop.
See, this is when I'm glad I'm single.
No getting dragged to things.
No negotiating with your partner.
I do whatever I want, watch whatever I want,
and no one's there...
(SIGHS)
(VOICE BREAKING) And no one's there.
S'all good!
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm starving. I'm gonna make a sandwich.
Peanut butter, bologna, and macaroni and cheese?
Classic number it is.
I just hope this puts an end
to all this couples' activity crap.
I wouldn't count on it.
Cheryl's just like Mom,
always nagging Dad to do stuff together.
Yeah. Sent him to an early grave.
No, no, that was the number four bus to Elk Grove.
Oh.
Dad didn't believe in crosswalks.
He actually found a way of b*ating Mom at her own game.
How did he do that? (CHUCKLING) Well,
he suggested they try ice fishing together.
I hate ice fishing.
So did she.
So he never had to do anything with her ever again.
Long story short, I know how to unhook a girdle blindfolded.
You know what, Andy?
Your dad was a genius.
You may have problems, but,
he was a smart man.
Hey, Cheryl, you know what I was thinking?
Maybe you're right. We should do more couple stuff.
Really? Yeah.
And I know exactly what I want to do.
Oh, Cheryl, don't.
The last time you let him pick something,
you spent your anniversary at a cockfight.
Yeah, but we did win bucks.
Besides, you know, he did my thing.
I'm gonna do his thing. Quid pro quo.
Great. Okay, Saturday morning, : sharp.
Wait, wait, wait. Where are we going?
It doesn't matter, really, does it?
The point is that we're gonna do it together, right?
Yeah, yeah. What is it?
It's the sport of kings, paintball.
Quid po crow, Cheryl.
Quid po crow.
Um, sorry.
Do you have anything a little less...gunny?
Oh. Ugh. Would you look at this thing?
You'd think a bunch of whacked-out g*n nuts would be cleaner.
Here. Thanks.
Oh, thank you so much for coming with me.
Hey, you're my sister.
If I ever marry a guy with no common interests
and my marriage is in a rut, you do the same for me.
Oh, honey, you know I will.
Oh, I love the smell of paintball in the morning.
(SNIFFS) Smells like...
Paint.
So, are you girls ready?
Are you ready to be all that you can be?
Yeah, I guess. Whatever.
Hey, where's Andy?
I thought he was gonna meet us here.
Pop, pop, pop.
I could have taken you all out
and been in the shadows before you hit the ground.
Observe.
We can see you.
ANDY: How about now?
You're right there.
ANDY: Or am I?
Idiot.
All right, girls, come on.
Be excited here! Come on, let me hear your w*r cries.
Whoo. Yeah.
What was that? Come on, a w*r cry.
Whoo! Whoo! Hey! Ho!
Ho!
Whoo!
That's the kind of w*r cry. Where's your spirit?
What's the point?
So you can sh**t me to get back at me
for taking you to some cooking class?
You know, Cheryl, why would I do that?
Why would I sh**t one of my own guys?
(STAMMERING) Wait, I'm one of your men?
We're on the same team.
Why do you always think I'm up to something?
Because you're Jim, and that's what Jim does.
Yeah, wake up, shower, scheme, lunch, scheme,
dinner, half-assed apology, bed.
I should make room in that schedule to be hurt.
Oh.
I mean, I just picked something I like for us to do,
'cause I thought you'd like it, too.
But forget it.
From now on, we'll just do what you want to do.
No, honey. I mean, I just assumed that...
You know what, Cheryl? When you assume,
you make an ass out of me and you.
No, that would be ass-me-u.
Don't you have to be someplace else?
You know I don't.
Wow.
I guess he really does want to do this with me.
Well, I owe it to him to at least try.
Come on, psych me up.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
You're a machine. Whoo!
You are a force to be reckoned with.
Okay. Okay. You're an agent of destruction!
Yeah!
Oh, man, I just wish I wasn't so crampy.
Oh.
Well, maybe we can go get some chamomile tea back at the battle camp.
Oh, yeah!
(LAUGHS) Oh, Andy, I gotta tell you,
your father's plan was brilliant.
Cheryl's gonna get her togetherness, all right.
We're gonna be together when I drag her through the dirt
and the brush and the rocks until I can say
sayonara to couples' activities forever.
Hey.
The snack bar was out of popcorn, but, uh, gummy worm?
Who were you talking to?
No one.
(ALL SHOUTING)
(g*ns f*ring)
Spotting for me?
What are you doing? Honey, hold on.
You got a little bit of schmutz...
Stop it.
Honey, I'm trying to k*ll people here.
I almost got it.
Get... Will you stop it, please?
I'm trying to sh**t these guys.
Ah!
I'm dead. I'm dead. You happy?
Yeah, I need a mani-pedi at :.
Come on, Marie. My nails are a mess.
CHERYL: Ah! Ah!
Okay, go. What? What?
Go. Stay low. I got you covered. I got you covered!
Go! Go! Run! Run!
(SHRIEKING)
(g*n f*ring)
(SHUDDERS)
Head down. Keep down. Keep down.
Keep down. Get down. Get down.
(g*n FIRES) (SCREAMS)
I got him. I got him.
Andy. Andy.
Just meet me over there!
All right, all right, all right.
(SIGHS) Man, Cheryl is not breaking.
She's being such a good sport about this.
It's starting to really piss me off.
Jim, it shouldn't be surprising that she'd be tough.
We're descended from Vikings.
That warrior instinct kicks in... Snake! Snake!
Get down! Get down! It's a shoelace!
(SIGHS) Oh, damn it.
This is terrible. Now I'm gonna have to keep going on outings with her.
This was a stupid plan, and your dad was an idiot.
Heads up!
All right.
We both know there's one thing here
that will definitely break Cheryl.
What?
The mudhole.
Oh, the mudhole. Ah!
Oh, right.
Cheryl hates the mud. She hates to get dirty.
(LAUGHS)
Unless she's in a spa paying bucks an hour to sit in it.
Oh!
All right, here's the plan,
I'm gonna lead Cheryl over to the mudhole.
You open fire on us, and she'll have no choice but to jump in the pit.
You, sir, are neither an officer nor a gentleman.
Thank you.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
All right, let's go.
All right.
Hey. What?
What? Jim, Jim, I'm stuck.
Roll, roll!
Hey, Andy.
(ANDY SCREAMING)
Crap on a cr*cker. I'm dead already!
Okay, screw the rules. This just got personal.
Uh-oh.
What do you think of this pink for the girls' room?
(g*n f*ring) Oh! Oh!
Go on! Jump in the mudhole!
What? Jump in! I'll cover you!
No, the mud is icky!
w*r is icky. Get in!
(INAUDIBLE)
Jump now!
Oh!
(LAUGHING)
What did you do that for?
You set me up!
That's the last time I take you anyplace!
Andy, Andy, get me out of this thing.
All right. Come on, grab this thing.
I can't believe she did that.
Hey! Oh, God!
(CHUCKLES)
That was mean!
No, this is mean.
Stop it! Stop it!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
(SIGHS) Come on, Cheryl. Lighten up, will you?
Will you please lighten up?
You wouldn't talk to me in the paintball gift shop.
You wouldn't talk to me on the way home.
Just say something. Say one word.
Butt head.
That's two words.
Oh! That's two words!
Come on, Cheryl, I was just making a joke.
Come on. You know what?
I thought it was pretty clever,
considering all the mud in my cr*ck.
You wanted to make me miserable.
You wanted me to suffer.
Well, you know, we never have to do anything together again. Happy?
(SIGHS) Come on, Cheryl. That's not what I want.
Come on, I want to have fun with you.
It's just that all the things you pick suck!
Yeah, like paintball sucked, but you know what?
I tried. You know, what you didn't do in cooking class.
I have a good reason for that.
What? I didn't want to!
All right, fair enough. You didn't want to.
So we'll just live our separate lives and grow apart,
and one day when we're old,
we'll look at each other in our matching sweat suits and say,
"Who the hell are you?"
Come here. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Sit down.
I don't want that.
I don't want that to happen, especially the sweat suit part.
Well, Jim, I don't either.
That's why I'm making such an effort.
Honey, I miss you.
How could you miss me? We live in the same house.
Just 'cause we're in the same house at the same time
doesn't mean we're together.
Come on. I mean,
don't you miss me?
No.
Cheryl, we wake up together.
You know, we fight over the toilet in the morning together.
We have dinner together every night.
We're raising a family together.
How could I miss you?
Yes, I miss you.
Thank you.
Oh, you're too cute.
Look, I just want you to know
I'd rather do nothing with you,
than anything with anybody else.
Oh, honey.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
Good, 'cause you stink.
(LAUGHING)
Hey. Want to join me?
Well, if you're gonna make an effort,
I guess I will, too.
(GIGGLING)