JIM: Previously on According to Jim...
So you guys want to be in a commercial?
Yeah! Please?
Oh, come on, Cheryl, this is an opportunity of a lifetime.
Jim, there's nothing I'd love more than going on a cruise...
Well, then let's do it.
I'm not an actor.
Don't worry.
I have enough talent for the both of us.
KITSON: No, no, no, no, no.
We need to get Cheryl a better husband.
He's got to go.
Ted, this is my husband Jim,
and, Jim, this is Ted. He plays my husband.
Oh. Some guys get pretty uptight
standing around watching their wife kiss a good-look...
Wait a minute. They're gonna kiss?
Hey, handsome.
Hey.
Well, Cheryl, I've done it.
What?
I've officially spit in all five of the Great Lakes
and two oceans.
Oh, yeah.
Make a great story at the dinner table.
You know, really, don't tell that story at dinner.
Okay.
You drop the kids off at the Oceaneers Club?
Yeah, they didn't even say goodbye.
Hang up a sign that says "No parents allowed,"
and suddenly day camp becomes Vegas for kids.
(CHUCKLES)
You know, I missed you.
Oh, yeah? I did.
Look at that.
Two kisses in one day.
Boy, you sure are giving them out freely, aren't you?
Oh, okay.
Ted, me. You know, I can get Goofy down here
if you're really feeling generous.
I knew it.
You're upset about me kissing Ted.
I told you, I'm fine with it.
I'm fine. I'm as fine as a fine wine,
which, by the way, tonight, easy on the wine.
Oh, come on. I'm telling you.
Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt, Yeah.
but we saw you sh**ting the commercial today,
and you and your husband make a great couple.
Well, thank you,
but, actually, that wasn't my husband.
This is my husband.
Right here. Oh. (LAUGHING)
And she's funny, too.
Good night. Good night.
Still fine.
JIM: Oh, baby!
Oh, hey!
Cheryl, what is Ted doing here?
I don't know, but be nice.
I am nice.
Okay, maybe I didn't make myself clear.
Don't be an ass. Hi!
Hello, everybody.
Look at you. Lovely.
Well, hi.
Hi.
Ted's here.
Huh?
(LAUGHING)
Isn't that great?
That's great, Dana, isn't it? Yeah, it's great.
So, Jim, did you get a chance
to take in the sights while I was working
with our wife? (CHUCKLES)
Yes, I did, actually.
I went to the southernmost point of the United States,
and I mooned Castro.
Well, I guess the ball's in his court now.
(LAUGHING)
Wow. No chair for the Andyman, huh?
ALL: Oh! No, no, no, no, no. We can work this out.
Oh! Ah!
Andy, be careful.
Cozy.
So, Ted, how did you get into the acting game?
Well, I was a camp counselor for special-needs kids,
and we did A Midsummer Night's Dream.
I caught the bug.
Ah, that must have been so rewarding.
I went to camp.
Yeah, and there was this big swimming hole, right?
And I would do cannonballs
that would bring birds out of the sky.
Well, we didn't have a swimming hole.
Most of the kids were confined to wheelchairs.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, boy, you missed out.
Hi. What will we be drinking this evening?
JIM: Hmm... Oh, Jim,
how about a nice bottle of chardonnay, huh?
I'll take a look at the wine list.
I once played a snotty wine steward
in an Olsen twins movie.
I saw that. You were snotty.
Thank you very much.
Do you mind?
Andy, good work out there today.
Hmm.
You'll find that I'm good at a lot of things.
What do you say, later
we go test the stabilizers out on this ship?
Andy, I'm gay.
Oh.
I didn't know.
It just happened.
Dana... What's with this Ted guy?
Huh?
You've been working all day, I haven't seen Cheryl,
and now I got to share her with Ted?
I'm sorry. My boss insisted.
I couldn't do anything about it.
Look, why don't you come by the set tomorrow, hang out?
You got a part for me?
(SCOFFS) No.
Just this bartender thing that...
I can play a bartender.
I can play a bartender. No.
Come on, Dana.
If it wasn't for me, Cheryl wouldn't be here right now.
You owe me.
Let me play the bartender. Let me play the bartender.
Let me play the bartender. All right!
I'll see what I can do, but you better not embarrass me.
That really hurts my feelings.
Since when do I embarrass people?
I haven't embarrassed anybody.
Hey, bread guy, bread guy.
Yeah, yeah, just throw me a roll, would you?
Ow!
Hey, Cheryl. How's it going?
Hey. Oh, fine.
I'm just having a little trouble waking up.
It's taken care of. Boy! Oh, boy!
Thank you, Dana.
As I was getting the director new underwear, I thought,
"How could this job possibly get more demeaning?"
Get Cheryl a coffee with skim milk.
No, no, he doesn't have to...
Actually, I'll have one, too.
Dana, no... Oh, and some croissants.
Ooh, ooh, chocolate for me.
Me, too. Me, too.
Yeah, will you warm them up?
I like this.
It's like having our own little helper monkey.
Yeah, he's my bitch. Oh.
Hello, my fellow thespians.
I said that without giggling.
You're the bartender?
No. I'm Esteban.
From Albania.
Oh.
Is that a mustache?
You like it?
I did it myself. I don't know why.
I just thought Esteban would have one. Look.
Okay. Bartender pours two drinks,
happy couple smiles and toasts. Okay?
Is that a mustache?
Yes. I made it myself.
I thought Esteban would have one.
Good.
I play harmonica.
Uh, is there any way we can work that in? Harmonica?
And action.
(BOTTLE SHATTERS)
(PLAYING BLUES RIFF)
Cut!
DIRECTOR: And action.
Cut.
DIRECTOR: And action.
Cut.
What was that?
Well, I thought Esteban would do something like that.
I like what you're doing...
Thank you.
But can you bring it down a little?
Sure, sure. How much?
To just handing them the drinks.
I'm sorry.
I thought you wanted it to be good.
All right. And action!
(PLAYING BLUES RIFF)
Cut!
(INAUDIBLE)
Jim. What?
What is going on with you?
Ah, this scene needs a little juice,
and I'm freshly squeezed.
What does that even mean?
It's showbiz talk, Cheryl.
Ted, tell her.
That's a new one to me, Esteban.
Jim, Jim, can I talk to you for a sec?
I'm working here.
No, no, there's a problem with your wardrobe.
Really? What's the matter?
You're in it, and they want it back.
You're f*ring me? Good guess.
Dana. Dana. Where's Dana? Dana!
No, no, no, no. No, no. No.
Dana wanted me to handle it.
Besides, she already got to fire you.
I wanted my sh*t, so let's go.
Go where? I'm not going anywhere with you. No.
Make me.
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
Okay, okay, okay. I'm going.
BOTH: Daddy!
Oh, there's my little doves.
How are you? What did you do today?
We got to talk to the captain,
and TV Dad showed us a magic trick.
Who? Ted. I like him.
You mean you love him.
He's your boyfriend.
Stop it! Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Listen. Now, your real Dad,
who gave you life and quite a few toys,
missed you very much... BOTH: Ice cream!
Hey!
Well, hello, movie star.
Hello.
Like to have a drink with your husband?
You know, I would. Have you seen him, Esteban?
Hey, hey, look who we have here.
Hey! It's my wife and her husband.
(CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY)
(LAUGHING) That's a good one, Ted.
You're everything. You're, like, an actor,
comedian, magician.
You're a jackass of all trades, huh?
Hola, amigos!
Tomorrow we are at the port of Cozumel, Mexico,
so let's get ready
for the Mexicali- fragilisticexpialidocious party!
Okay, kids, I need you to bring your dads up on stage.
Hey, Gracie. Do you want to go up with me?
You want me to... Okay. Come on.
TED: Okay, you ready for this? Okay.
Okay, now this is just for the dads.
We're gonna play the Mexican hat game.
Okay, bye-bye.
Okay, now what I'd like is for you
to form a circle for me, please.
Okay, and here's how it's gonna work.
When I say "one," take the hat from your right and put it on.
When I say "two," take the hat to your left and put it on.
And when the music stops,
if you don't have a hat, you're out. Vamonos.
(MEXICAN HAT DANCE PLAYING)
HOST: Okay, here we go.
Two to the left.
Two to the left.
Two to the left.
One to the right.
And stop! Who doesn't have a hat?
(SCREAMS) Oh, my God!
Oh! Are you okay?
I think it's broken!
I got the hat, Cheryl!
Cheryl, I got the hat!
Okay, come on, circle up, circle up, circle up! (TED GROANING)
Hey, girls, it says here they're making Flubber in the Oceaneers Club.
Nah, we like the ladder.
Hey, Goofy's doing calisthenics poolside.
Nope. Ladder.
Maybe I should build you a ladder when we get home.
Uh-uh. We like this one.
Hey. Hey.
Listen, girls, Daddy and I need to talk.
Would you mind closing the curtain?
There's a curtain?
BOTH: Yay!
Cheryl, if you're gonna seduce me,
the girls are right there.
But we'll keep it really quiet.
What is with you?
What? What?
You said you were okay with this Ted thing,
and next thing I know, you're punching him out!
I didn't punch him out! He ran into my elbow!
For God's sake!
What? GRACIE: Are you guys fighting?
No, honey.
Now you're confusing me,
'cause I thought we were fighting!
Jim, I'm gonna k*ll you! What?
And then I'm gonna get off this ship, go to Haiti,
learn voodoo, raise you from the dead, and k*ll you again!
What, did I call room service and order a reaming?
GRACIE: Are you fighting with Aunt Dana now?
No!
RUBY: Mommy, you're yelling!
Stay out of it, Gracie!
I'm Ruby! Oh, everybody stay out of it!
All right, all right!
(SIGHS)
How's Ted?
"How's Ted? How's Ted? How's poor Ted?"
What about me? Jim!
How's poor Ted?
Well, thank God his nose is not broken,
and I think we can cover up the bruise with makeup,
but my boss is not happy.
Yeah, well, to be fair,
I don't think she was a happy person to begin with.
Come on, girls.
We need you on camera in a half an hour. Okay.
And, Jim, I may not make it to Haiti,
but I have the rest of my life
to make you pay for this week,
and I'm gonna start by giving you this dirty look.
That's right. Get used to it.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, I'm scared!
I'm really scared! Ooh, ooh, ooh, I'm scared!
Wait! What are you doing?
You heard her. I have to be on camera in half an hour.
You're gonna actually do this?
You're gonna actually kiss this creep?
Yes, Jim, I am. Because I have to.
No, you...
Because we're here on this free cruise that you talked me into!
And then they fired you and I wanted to leave,
but you said, "No, no, stay!" so I did.
And then they brought in this husband.
I thought, you know what? That's gonna be kind of weird.
But you said, "No, no, honey, I'm fine with it. Stay."
So I did.
Jim, I have done everything you've asked me to do,
(YELLING) and now you're mad at me!
Yes, I am.
Call me old-fashioned,
but I just don't want my wife kissing some other guy,
especially when there's an exchange of monies.
(SCOFFS)
You are being completely unreasonable.
Yes!
That's me.
I don't know why you're so surprised.
You know who you married.
Yeah, and so do you.
What do you mean... Hey, Cheryl,
ready for some make-out?
I mean, makeup? Sorry, Jim.
Cheryl...
Honey, this is just k*lling me.
Jim, just maybe, this one time,
it's not about you.
It's not...
About...
Me?
KITSON: (ON RADIO) Andy, one of the extra kids threw up.
Can you get up here with a mop?
Well, it sure as hell isn't about me!
DIRECTOR: Okay, now, we're looking at each other.
This is the big moment.
We've had the best vacation ever.
We're holding hands. We're in love.
Remember, we're on Disney's magical island...
Cheryl!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where do you think you're going?
I gotta talk to Cheryl for a minute, Andy. Let me go.
No. Sorry, Jim. No can do.
Fine.
But if you're gonna make me sit out here in the sun,
at least give me some sunscreen.
Here. And then go.
All right, all right, fine.
(EXCLAIMING)
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Cheryl! Cheryl!
Cheryl, I do know who I married.
I want you to kiss him if you have to. I...
DIRECTOR: Cut!
I don't believe this.
Jim, all next week, I'm coming to your work,
and I'm ruining things!
What are you doing here? Where is Cheryl?
She didn't want to do the kiss scene.
Really?
She played the sister card. What could I do?
I was a good guy, and I got my own way.
Yes!
Where is she? Where is my lovely wife?
Probably looking for you.
Oh, so she didn't want to do the kiss, huh?
Uh-huh! Take that, pretty boy!
Jim, could you just leave?
Yeah. Um...
Do I still have to... No, the cruise is still free.
Yes! This really is a magical island.
Okay, and action.
And we're leaning in for the kiss.
And romance, romance, romance.
And...
Cut!
That's a wrap!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Okay, was it me, or was that kiss...
Special?
Dana, I'm a professional.
When I'm on the job, my main focus is...
Drinks later? Oh, God, yes.
Nice job. Drinks later?
Oh, God, yes!
Hey, great work today.
Thank you.
So, uh, drinks later?
Oh, God, yes!
Hey, Sis. Thanks for the free trip.
Hey, thanks for taking my crap all week.
No, no problem.
By the way, I've been spitting in your coffee the entire cruise.
Please. I knew you'd do that,
so I've been switching it with your coffee.
Damn it!
I drank my own spit.
(SCREAMING) I drank my own spit!
Hey. Hey.
Pretty. Yeah.
You know, I went to the sh**t,
trying to find you and tell you that, uh,
that it's okay that you kiss Ted.
And I really meant it this time.
I wasn't gonna lie or anything.
But, uh, you weren't there.
You didn't do it.
Why? No.
Call me old-fashioned. I only want to kiss my unreasonable husband.
Okay.
New rule. Only one husband.
Yeah, fine, but you know, Jim, you didn't have to hit Ted.
Oh, it was an accident, honey.
I'm very competitive. I wanted that hat. I didn't want to get
kicked out in front of the kids. Okay, you know what?
It's our last night on the ship.
Do we really want to get into this now?
All right, you're right. Let's save it for the plane. I didn't bring a book.
Oh, honey.
You know, I do know who I married.
Yeah?
And I love you.
Me, too.
And... Kiss.
Look, it's the first star. Make a wish.
Where? I don't see it.
Would you just go with me on this and make a wish?
(LAUGHING)
What did you wish for?
I wished that we would be together forever,
and we would always be this happy.
How about you?
Oh, come on, Cheryl. You know what I always wish for.
(CHUCKLES)