Christmas with the Campbells (2022)

[bunniefuu]

[ Bells jingling,

up-tempo "Jingle Bells" plays ]



JESSE: Okay. This is going to be

the perfect Christmas card.

Grab your belly and look up.

-[ Shutter clicks ]

-Love her!

Amazing.

Perfect.

-Aww.

-[ Shutter clicks ]

All right. Let's get you guys

a little bit closer together.

Just a little bit.

Big smile.

-[ Shutter clicks ]

-Great.

Can you scoot a little bit

next to your brother?

-Perfect!

-[ Shutter clicks ]

Mom's so happy.

We're gonna get

so many f*cking presents.

[ Music ends ]

[ Shutter clicks ]

JESSE: I like seeing everybody

in their Christmas clothes,

and I like seeing people happy.

And besides,

photography is my passion.

Passion? Really more

of a hobby, isn't it?

You're never gonna make any

money doing photography, Jesse.

You should be spending

all your extra free time

advancing your career.

I'm pretty content

being a buyer.

I mean, I'm grateful

that I have a job.

And no, it's not my calling,

but it gives me a chance

to put my time and energy

into other things.

Where do you see yourself

in 10 years?

In 10 years,

I see myself with you --

in a house, two kids, and a dog.

[ Cellphone buzzing ]

Oh, it's your mom.

Okay.

Hey, Mrs. C.

How's it looking out there?

Are we getting treated

to a white Christmas?

LIZ: Oh! [ Chuckles ]

Ketchum never lets us down.

-Are you there too, Shawn?

-SHAWN: I'm here, Mom. Yeah.

We were just in the middle

of eating.

JESSE: I made him

an amazing tikka masala.

-You would love it.

-Make me a recipe card.

Already made you one.

I am thinking of making

a cornbread-and-apricot stuffing

this year.

Ooh.

Sweet and savory.

Of course, I'll still make

a traditional stuffing

on the side.

Hey, Mom, can I call you after?

Yeah. Sounds like someone's

had a long day.

SHAWN:

Yeah. But I'm sorry.

LIZ: And, Jesse,

what do you want for Christmas?

JESSE: I already have

what I want -- true love.

SHAWN:

Okay. We have to go now, Mom.

I'll call you soon, I promise.

Sorry.

Why don't you just keep making

carbs for the whole family

until we're all battling

weight issues?

Oh, by the way,

I went to three different shops

to try to find an authentic

Dutch gnome

for your mom for Christmas,

and you know what? No luck.

I know we always go antiquing

when I'm there,

and I'm sure she'll find one

that she likes

and I could get it for her,

but it's always really nice

-to find it yourself.

-Mm-hmm.

Are you as excited to go to

Ketchum for Christmas as I am?

I love it there.

So beautiful.

[ Mid-tempo music playing ]

Jesse, I have a job interview

in New York.

-Oh!

-Yeah.

I just found out about it today.

It's actually it's one

of the biggest accounting firms,

and so there's a lot of room

to grow,

make a sh*t ton more money.

-That's really great.

-Yeah.

It's the week before Christmas,

Jesse.

Oh, maybe I'll fly ahead

to your parents' house,

and then you can just fly out

from New York.

What I'm saying is

I don't think Ketchum

is happening this Christmas.

'Cause I got to be available

for a second interview.

Well, then how about I just

come with you to New York?

Actually, I don't think

my ticket is transferable.

Jesse, um...

[ Chuckles ]

I think I'm holding you back.

Holding me back from...what?

Don't make this any harder

than it has to be, you know?

We -- We had a really great run.

Are you breaking up with me?

I don't see our paths leading

in the same direction.

I have a lot of plans that don't

involve homes and kids and dogs.

Well, we just had sex

this morning.

Yeah. I know, and it was really

just out of sight.

Just...[ Smooches ]

And I love that about you,

you know?

You're down to clown,

and you're sexy as f*ck.

I mean, you keep that p*ssy...

So fresh

It's really, like,

just incredible how you do it.

And look, I'd be happy

to keep servicing your needs

if it won't complicate things.

-Shawn, don't...don't do this.

-Hey, look.

Baby, we did things right,

you know?

We kept the fights clean

and the sex dirty.

We respected each other.

We laughed. Remember?

And neither one of us were

unfaithful as far as you know.

I think we chalk this up

as a big win.

But now...it's time

for us both to grow.

And I-I meant what I said

about your needs.

I'll -- I'll take care of them.

You know I will.

If you need someone to step in

and pinch-hit,

day or night,

if I'm not doing anything else.

Just sh**t me a text or page me.

Whatever.

[ Exhales deeply ]

All right.

[ Sighs ]

Be well.

[ Down-tempo introduction

plays ]



Silver bells

Silver bells

It's Christmastime

in the city



Ring-a-ling

[ Cellphone buzzing ]

Hear them ring

[ Sighs ]

Hey, Mrs. C.

LIZ:

I just spoke to Shawn.

I don't even have words.

I mean, breaking up with you

right before Christmas.

Yeah. Um, I'm --

I'm still in shock myself.

Well, if Shawn doesn't want to

come home, that's fine.

But we still want you to come,

Jesse.

You still want me to come

to your place for Christmas?

Of course!

You're like family to us.

Well, t-that is very,

very nice of you,

and I appreciate the offer,

but...

I don't think that's

a very good idea.

It's the best idea.

You don't have anywhere else

to go,

and I'm not going to have you

sitting by yourself

on Christmas.

We want you here,

and we love you.





[ Both laugh ]

Hi!

Mr. and Mrs. C!

You didn't have to pick me up.

I would have taken a cab!

ROBERT:

Oh, please.

When have we not

ever picked you up?

And it's no different this time.

You're family, Jesse.

You are skin and bones.

Have you been eating food?

I-I have.

I have a brownie in my purse.

Here you go.

And we're stopping

at the grocery on the way back.

I am going to make you

all your favorites.

ROBERT: Be careful of this one.

She can bake all right.

But you will swell up

like a tick.

[ Bells chime ]



Oh! Liz!

I was going to talk

to that husband of yours

about going over

some of my taxes.

Is he working over the holidays?

-At least until Christmas Eve.

-Oh, great.

Oh, it's Jesse, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Are you in town for Christmas?

It wouldn't be the holidays

without Jesse.

And what of that son of yours?

Is he too busy to come in

and say hello?

Actually, Shawn is going to be

in New York for Christmas

this year,

as you've probably heard.

So, are you two still together,

or did he do you dirty

like he did my Darlene?

-There's your ground round, Liz.

-LIZ: Thank you, Stuart.

And I will be back

for my Christmas bird.

Great. Oh.

Extra gravy on the side?

Extra extra gravy, please.

-[ Chuckles ]

-Bye-bye.

Give my best to Darlene.

Oh, I will.

Too bad Shawn's not here

to shove in his regards.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay.

-Merry Christmas!

-Merry Christmas!

What a wh*re, showing up here

all by herself.

-Gosh, it's...

-Honestly, that is so desperate.



LIZ:

Robert? Dinner's ready.

ROBERT:

Ah.

Whoa.

I thought we were gonna lay off

the carbs till Christmas.

It's a ploughman's.

Ploughman's is mostly bread.

Eat or don't eat, Robert.

JESSE:

So, how's work going?

Oh, you know what?

It's actually

a little bit better now.

I take a couple days

to work from home.

His secretary retired, and the

office has gotten awfully quiet.

He really should give it up.

Let's not be hasty.

What I should be giving up

is all this bread.

LIZ:

He's always wished

that Shawn would come back

and work with him.

But I think we understand

that Shawn has bigger dreams

outside of Ketchum, don't we?

ROBERT:

Speaking of which,

how's the Petco thing going

for you?

Oh, it's going.

But, you know,

I'm always open to a new path.

Really?

Well, as one who has hit

the fork in the road

and had to make path decisions,

you will never know where

it leads until you take it.

Um, that feels fairly obvious.

Not exactly

groundbreaking counsel

but undeniably accurate.

Eat your ploughman's, Robert.



[ Knock on door ]

Bedtime snack.

Oh!

Thank you so much, Liz.

Jesse...

I know it must feel strange

to be here without Shawn.

And I maybe was selfish

to ask you to come.

No.

It...It feels right to be here.

The first time you came,

you and Shawn had only been

together what, four weeks?

-Three weeks, I think.

-[ Chuckles ]

And even then, I knew you were

a perfect fit for this family.

I mean, who else would

appreciate gnomes like I do?

Exactly.

I just want to say that...

...I know that Shawn can be

very active.

And...wild sexually.

And I want you to know...

...that comes from my side

of the family.

And I really just

wanted to apologize.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for sharing that

with me.

That -- Um, I didn't know that,

but...that makes sense.

Okay.

Well, two or three cookies

and you'll have

a good night's sleep.

Jesse, I will see you

in the morning

for pancakes with Nutella.

-Mmm.

-Good night.

And I'm so glad you're here.

There's no place like gnome.

[ Chuckles ]

I knew you'd get that.

Okay.

And if you're still hungry,

there's some cheese cubes

in the fridge.

Great.

Oh, then tomorrow

is Robert's morning,

so we won't be downstairs

till about 10:00.

Get it, girl.



-Robert.

-Hmm?

Where are you going?

It's your morning.

Uh, yeah. I got to get started

on these lights.

It's important

that we stay connected

during this busy holiday season.

Well, you're right, honey.

And normally I would love to,

but I've got so much to do.

I want you to drop those lights

and put on a good mind-set...

...and pull out your d*ck.

It's your morning, Robert.



This one is a recipe that

Shawn's cross-eyed grandmother

used to make.

Aww. Crme frache.

Mmm.

That was the secret ingredient.

Mm.

There's probably

some misspellings.

Well, unfortunately, I have to

go cut hair and do therapy.

But don't worry about the stew.

It can just stay on low

until I get back.

How about I decorate the tree

while you're at work?

I would love that,

but Robert's not back until late

to go up in the attic

and haul out the decorations.

I would do it myself,

but...I don't like to.

That's okay.

I know where to find them.

Okay. Have fun.

Be careful.

And if you get bored later,

come on in for a blow-dry.

On me.

Thanks, Mrs. C.



Hello?

Oh!

Ooh!

There's a dog.

Um, hello.

Uh, come here, boy --

I mean girl. Or whatever.

Uh, do you want a cookie?

Come here.

Come on.

Get away from them.

Come here. Come here, dog.

Come here, puppy.

He prefers dinner

before dessert.

Oh, my -- Hello.

Um, is this your dog?

And best friend.

Rescued him when he was a pup.

I named him after

my second favorite explorer.

Hey, Polo.

Come on!

Leave that, Polo.

[ Chuckles ]

I can't be mad at him.

He's too gorgeous.

Name's David.

I'm kin to the Campbells.

Fall under the title of nephew.

Oh, you're Liz's sister's son.

Glad to meet you.

Well, nice to meet you.

I'm Jesse.

I'm Shawn's gir--

Um...I was dating Shawn, and

then now -- We're on a pause.

It's complicated.

I don't want to get into it.

But I'm friends

with the Campbells.

So you're here by yourself?

Well, the Campbells

invited me here,

and I also had already

bought them presents,

and I had already bought

my plane ticket and I --

No need to hang your laundry

on the line here in front of me.

That's your Dairy Queen.

-I'm just glad to meet you.

-Me too.

It's my dog.

I'll clean up after him.

Well, I'll call Liz and Robert

and tell him that you're here.

Actually, you know, uh,

they don't know I'm coming.

Yeah. I was just gonna surprise

him on my way to Mount Hood.

Well, looks like I need to

head into town,

find a replacement

for this ornament.

And I suppose I'll have to guess

at the ingredients

for that stew.

Oh, I know the recipe.

I can help you with that.

Well, if it doesn't dirty your

dress, yeah, I'd appreciate it.

No problem.

[ Dog barking ]



W-- Sh-- Polo!

[ Laughing ]

Polo!

Aw, Polo, go on!

Come on. Come on.

Get back in the house.

Sorry. It's kind of --

kind of his spot.

Come on, bud.

I'm asking nice.

-Come on!

-[ Dog whimpers ]

Oh, good boy.

That's his spot usually.

I'll be back soon!

All right. So we have carrots,

potatoes, celery, peas.

Oh.

We forgot the ground round.

Oh. We'd better retie

that string around her finger.

-Got to have the meat.

-Yeah.

-I'll be right back.

-Okay.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

[ Bell chiming ]

[ Shutter clicking ]





[ Dramatic music plays ]

Sorry I took so long.

All right.

Decoration time.

Let's go replace that ornament.

I think the Christmas market

is right around the corner.

Oh.

Well, let's do it.

Besides, what's more fun

than shopping

and talking about

absolutely nothing?

[ Chuckles ]

So, Colorado's home?

Yep.

Mount Wilson.

We got sun and snow.

Best skiing around.

You must ski all year.

No. Not once.

I'm more of a facilitator.

I, uh, operate

a small travel agency.

That's what brings me joy

is making other people's dreams

come true.

That's amazing.

What about you?

What appeals your potato?

Um, well, I guess I-I really --

I like photography.

Very nice.

Really?

What kind of --

What kind of photos you take?

Really, any different thing

that catches my eye day to day.

Um, I take

some family portraits,

but that's really more

of a hobby.

There's not much

of a career path there.

Well, who cares?

It tickles your soul, right?

That puts you

way ahead of the game.

Hm.

So, is the rest of your family

joining us for the holiday?

No. My, um, my pop passed

when I was 8.

Oh. Sorry to hear that.

And my stepdad, Skip, he, um,

he takes my ma on a trip

every Christmas.

And then this year,

they're going to Alaska.

-Oh. Very nice.

-Yeah.

Should be nice for them.

When I was 9, he, uh,

sat me down and he said,

"I'm never gonna try

to be your father,

but I sure do love being

romantic with your mother.

So I'm gonna take her on a trip

every holiday

so that I can get her alone

and do stuff to her

without any interruptions."

I said, "What kind of things?"

He said, "Rub on her

and have her tug me

and incorporate

children's costumes,

but in a more adult way.

It may sound selfish,

but, uh,

that's what keeps

the engine running," he said.

[ Chuckles ]

Anyway, uh, of course,

not too keen on it,

but you also got to let people

live the lives

they want to live, right?

Wow. That sounds awful...

and oddly specific.

But I also know what it's like

to have your family

not invite you for the holidays.

-Here we are.

-Shall we?

Oh, they got some talented hands

in China.

I always think of the Valley as

being so great for outdoor

activities,

but I forget what a k*ller

art scene they got here, too.

It's funny --

I've actually never done

any outdoor activities here.

Really? Shawn never took you,

uh, skiing or snowshoeing?

Wow. Well, how many times

you been to Ketchum?

Let's see. Um, every Christmas,

Thanksgiving, Easter,

Memorial Day,

St. Patrick's Day,

Mr. and Mrs. C's birthdays,

their anniversaries,

Labor Day,

and, of course, my birthday.

Wow. Your mouth is just saying

the whole calendar. [ Chuckles ]

You know, whenever

I'd come here to visit,

I-I just couldn't get enough

of the mountains.

Man, the sights, the smells,

the snow.

It always just felt right,

you know?

Come to think of it, I never

could get Shawn to come outside.

He was always wanting to be

inside, playing Monopoly.

And I'm not knocking Monopoly.

I'd just personally

rather be outside living

than inside,

counting fake money, you know?

I totally agree.

Well, you have time

for one more stop?

-Sure.

-All right.

-Thanks, Gertrude.

-You're welcome. Bye-bye.

Okay, so I'm having sex.

It's totally not connected.

And I look up and I see

this man, a beautiful man,

gyrating on top of me,

and I realize, Lloyd,

he doesn't even know

that my favorite band is Expos.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

I would rather not be

in a relationship

than be in one

that I don't believe in.

Well, honey,

I say in the long run,

the only thing that matters

is good hygiene

and a man who won't

knock on the door

when you're drinking wine

in the tub.

[ High-pitched voice ]

Guess who!

-Oh!

-[ Laughing ] Oh!

Christmas came early this year.

Oh!

There are them smells.

-[ Laughs ]

-Oh, you!

And I see you met Jesse.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, David.

Becky.

I see you brought those lips.

Oh.

These old flappers?

I had to.

Oh, it's been a few years.

You look -- You look great.

-You too.

-Let me hug your neck.

I'll be delicate there.

Hey.

So you're staying for Christmas?

Well, if Aunt Lizzie has room

at the table.

-I don't want to assume.

-I heard Shawn's not coming in,

so there's room for you.

Uh, Francesca at --

at the hobby shop told me that.

LIZ:

Well, I'm delighted you're here.

And there's always room

at the table for you.

Aunt Liz, I appreciate you

so much.

God, if you were

two years younger.

We'd have to try

not to get pregnant.

[ Laughs ]

But God bless, Liz.

I appreciate the invitation.

Thank you so much.

-It's good to see you, Becky.

-Good to see you.

We got some meat to stew.

We'd better head out.

Uh, I'll explain

when you get home.

It's looking good.

All right.

-Bye, sweetie.

-Salvador, how are you?

Hey, listen.

News travels faster

in small towns

than fleas do in a dog pound.

By this time tomorrow,

everyone in town

is gonna know that I'm here

and Shawn's not.

And then they'll just move on

to something new, you know?

-Thanks.

-Sure.

-Oh. Please. I got it.

-Thanks.

Thank you for helping me

with this.

Oh, it is my pleasure.

This is fun.

I-I live for this.

Jesse, sh**t me

if I'm trespassing here,

but, um, you know,

I've kept one foot in the door

of a relationship that's ended,

and it just kind of prolongs

everything, you know?

That's not what I'm doing.

I have a great time

with the Campbells.

And then the last time

that we were here,

Mrs. C took me antiquing,

and, boy, does she know

how to haggle.

I mean, I love antiquing,

but she just takes it

-to another level.

-Yeah.

Oh, and on Thanksgiving,

it was so funny.

Mr. C tried to deep-fry

the turkey,

but it ended up looking like

Peking duck.

So then we ended up

having to order Chinese food.

And then everybody had to make

their own fortunes,

and we all drew one.

It was so much fun.

It's pretty obvious you and the

Campbells have a blast together.

Oh, yeah.

We have a great time.

So what about you?

What happened

with that relationship

where you stayed too long?

It started with me moving

to Bend, Oregon,

taking a lower-paying job

to be with her,

and ended with her fornicating

with my tae kwon do instructor.

Oh, my God.

Don Alvarez.

It's terrible.

It was.

We had a security camera

on the front doorbell,

and so I...I saw everything.

I'm so sorry.

Of course,

I don't honor what he did,

but, um, I know

he was gentle with her.

It actually turned out

to be a blessing.

You know,

it just made me realize

that no matter how joyful

something starts,

it always ends with hurt.

I'm much happier now just

hanging around with Polo here.

[ Dog whimpers ]

Oh, I got to say, Jesse,

that, uh, tree's looking

marvelous again.

Oh.

Well, thank you.

I can't take

all the credit, though.

-David helped a little.

-A little?

You know, David,

maybe I could empower you

to help me configure the lights

for our show.

Empower me? Is that a fancy way

of asking me to do it?

-Yes, please.

-No. Of course.

-I'd be happy to, Uncle Rob.

-Oh, thank you.

I didn't know y'all were still

doing that light show.

Oh!

Of course.

It's the highlight

of the Christmas party

and a Campbell tradition.

Speaking of traditions,

there's also the wishing tree.

Oh, yeah.

I heard about this.

It's, uh, supposed to be hidden

in the Valley somewhere, right?

-That's the one.

-And if you find it,

-you have to make a wish.

-Oh.

But it will only come true

if you never tell anyone

where it is.

Have you two ever found it?

Maybe.

What about you and Shawn?

We -- We looked a lot,

but no luck.

Well, maybe this will be

your lucky year.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]



Oh!

[ Laughs ]

Hi!

Morning, Polo.

Oh!

[ Exhales deeply ]

What's going on?

Where are you taking me?





-It's nice and solid.

-Oh, God.

-You're all right.

-Okay.

-Come on. You got it.

-[ Screams, laughs ]

There you go!

All right!

-You got it. That's good.

-Whoa!

DAVID:

Yeah!

I'm glad I came.

I'm having so much fun.

A couple more steps, and we get

to the real pie crust.

Here we are.

Drink in that view.

Smooth goin' down.

[ Exhales deeply ]

It's beautiful.

I haven't done something

this spontaneous in forever.

Really? Well, what kind of stuff

did you and Shawn do?

I mean, other than Monopoly.

Well, we would, you know, do

stuff like work out, spin class.

Sometimes we would stay up late

and binge-watch a TV show.

Then he'd always complain

the next day

that he didn't get enough sleep

for his abs.

[ Shutter clicking ]

Oh, no. Man.

Come on.

You got to get my good side.

[ Chuckles ]

-[ Laughing ]

-Yeah!

You're a natural!

My mom loved Christmas.

She died when I was 8.

And when she was gone, so was

the -- the magic of the holiday.

And when my dad remarried,

he just wanted to throw away

all the memories,

and Christmas went with it.

I never told Shawn any of that.

I guess I was too afraid

that he would think

I came with too many issues.

I mean, he thinks I talk a lot

and I overexplain things

and I go on long tangents

about nothing

and I'm too sensitive,

that I cry too much,

They don't put away things

correctly.

But...everyone has their thing.

Oh, yeah. Everybody's got a

little dirt under their nails.

Yeah.

DAVID: I find most people think

their dreams can't be reality,

when more often than not,

all you need to do

is just reach out and grab them.

They're right in front of you.

Okay.

Oh. Wait up.

-Are you coming?

-[ Laughing ] Okay. Hold on.

Cheers to grabbing...it.

All right.

To grabbing it.



Hey, bud.

What are you doing out here?

-Oh!

-Hey. You listen.

A little time apart, letting

loved ones be individuals,

that makes getting together

all the more joyous.

BECKY:

I am so sorry.

I was just leaving,

and Polo just ran out.

-Oh. Hey, Beck.

-Hi.

I made you a pie.

I left it on the counter.

Well, that is mighty nice

of you.

Now, what flavor should my mouth

be expecting?

-Peach.

-Hm.

Then I spice things up a little

bit with some red ginseng,

ginkgo biloba, tribulus,

and just a pinch of vodka.

I've never heard of any

of those, but I trust you.

They're very

stimulating flavors.

Yeah.

That's stimulating my memory.

Phew.

Growing up, I never could get

enough of your sweets, Becky.

Remember when we were kids?

You bought that box

of cookies for me,

and I...threw my whole

cookie jar at you.

Up in your three house.

[ Softly ]

In my tree house.

Man, if those tree-house

walls could talk.

Oof.

[ Chuckles ]

Brings up a pretty good

memory file

with smells and...

warmth and tastes and...

Consent?

Yeah.

Not on my end.

Well, Jesse and I

should probably get inside

and help with the, uh --

Lights for the show.

Hi.

Have you been standing here

the whole time?

Hello.

Yes.

Well, anyway, I want you

to stop by the bakery later --

it's on Main Street --

'cause I want to hear

what you thought of that pie.

Oh, I will indeed.

-Okay.

-Yeah. Thanks again.

-Nice to see you.

-So good to see you.

[ Dog barking ]

What was that all about?

Oh, just childhood memories.

I see.

She's nice.

DAVID: That's why I never

ended up going.

[ Laughs ]

How was skating?

-Oh.

-Oh, it was really great.

It's been a while

since I've been on skates,

but I got my legs back.

Yeah.

Well, you'd never have known it.

Robert used to flood the yard

when Shawn was younger.

Did Becky ever come over

and skate?

-Only when David was in town.

-Mm-hmm.

And then she would be here

day and night.

I'm surprised

she didn't get frostbite

in that skating costume

she wore.

Oh, no. She did.

Yeah. Yeah.

She got it pretty bad

in some places.

So Becky and David were...

Friends.

Just friends.

-Mm.

-[ Cellphone ringing ]

ROBERT:

Saved by the bell. Mm.

Oh.

Shawn!

Sweetie, it's so good

to hear from you.

Oh, you just got to New York.

Great.

Well, you should

probably get settled.

You've got a big day tomorrow.

Okay, Shawn.

Dad and I miss you.

And best of luck

on the interview.

How is he?

Uh, Jesse, 'cause he's

been traveling,

I haven't had a chance

to tell Shawn that you're here.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]



[ Sighs ] I hope Jesse's

having a good time.

Oh, relax.

She's fine.

They're having fun.

Yeah.

Now...unwind

and take a sip of this.

It's lots of grape soda,

a healthy dose of cough syrup

topped off by hard candy.

It makes the perfect glass

of purple drank.

Liz, I really just want to get

some rest, go to sleep.

Right, and a serving of sizzurp

will make you feel really good

and will put you right to sleep.

Is this safe?

So let's just enjoy the moment,

have a nice glass of lean

together.

Cheers.

Yeah.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]





Ah.

[ Gasps ]

Polo.

Couldn't sleep either?

[ Dog whimpering ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

Want one?

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Yeah, way more cough syrup

at the moment than grape soda.

It's very full bodied.

Mm-hmm.

I like that it's not oaky.

You know, the hard candy

is now bringing out the texture

of the grape soda.

Plus, it gets you high.

Mm.

Polo?

Polo.

Now, if I were to order this

in the future,

would it be purple drank

or sizzurp?

Or lean.

What -- What...

They'll know what you mean.

-[ Dog whining ]

-JESSE: I know.

I know.

Maybe I shouldn't have come.

I mean, Shawn doesn't even know

that I'm here.

Maybe David is right.

Maybe I am keeping one foot

in the door.

Both feet, actually.

[ Clears throat ]

Sorry.

I don't want to scare you again.

Working on Aunt Lizzie's

shortbread cookies?

Mm-hmm.

With candied cherries.

Oof. Man.

That's my poison.

She sends me a tin every year.

She sent me the recipe.

You're kidding me.

She told me that was top secret.

It is.

Well, you really are

like family.

You know, when my ex and I

broke up, uh,

at first I thought

I was missing her.

And then, um, I realized

I was just kind of missing

playing with her dog.

[ Chuckles ]

So I went to the shelter

and got Polo here.

-Right, buddy?

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Mm.

Maybe you did come back

to keep one foot in the door.

Or maybe you just like

sharing recipes,

hanging out with the family.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]





Robert, we have to get going.

[ Gasps ] Well, don't you

look nice for the dance.

Well, that's the pot calling

the kettle gorgeous.

Yeah, Polo picked it out.

It's my finest threads.

That Wrangler butt of yours

is driving me nuts.

Careful, Aunt Liz.

If you weren't blood related,

that type of talk

would get you straight kissed.

You know, it's very nice of you,

spending time with Jesse.

I was worried about her

with Shawn not here.

Well, she's fun to be around.

I really like spending time

with her.

Yeah.

I've been enjoying myself.

I'm looking forward

to going to the dance with her.

-[ Tapping ]

-Uh, Liz,

can you shut off

the main breaker, please?

-I'll take care of it.

-Don't. Don't be silly.

You and Jesse get going

to the dance.

I will go and figure out

what a breaker is.

Oh, I can't let you do --

LIZ:

It's okay.

JESSE:

Hey.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Is it too much?

Oh...n-no.

Not at all.

You look real nice.

You look like a disco ball

made sweet love

to a shootin' star.

Mm.

Like a diamond exploded.

Oof.

I believe that jumpsuit

will jump-start the whole dance.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

-[ Chain jingling ]

-Oh!

Oh, no -- no -- Polo!

[ Sighs ]

No, no, no. That --

Polo, come on.

It's very gracious of you, Polo,

to sit in the back seat.

But, uh, sorry.

You still can't come, buddy.

Sorry, Polo. Human folk

just aren't there yet.

-Come on! Come on, Polo.

-[ Dog barks ]

Yeah.

All right.

-[ Laughing ] Bye, Polo.

-[ Laughing ] All right.

[ "Jingle Bells" plays ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]



Here you go.

-From the spiked bowl?

-Oh, of course.

Oh, isn't that Becky?

LIZ:

Sweet Becky Ackerman.

I see she did her own hair

tonight.

May I have this dance

with the most beautiful woman

in the room?

Honestly, Robert.

That line is 30 years old.

But it still works.

[ Laughs ]

Come on.

A little friction and fantasy,

my dear.

LIZ:

Oh.





[ Gasps ]

Look.

Oh, how tacky!

She looks like

a giant fishing lure.

Ha.

Well, we know what she's after.

Don't we, Darlene?

Mm-hmm.



Um, pardon me one second.

Hey.

You doing all right?

I thought you said

we were gonna be old news.

Oh.

Yeah.

Hey, let's dance.

Give them something

to really chew on.

-I love it.

-All right.

-[ Up-tempo music plays ]

-Oh!

Whoa.

Okay.



-Hey!

-You got moves.

-Well, you're easy to lead.

-[ Laughs ]

-Yoo-hoo. [ Chuckles ]

-Oh.

May I cut in?

Sorry, Beck.

Actually, uh,

I asked Jesse here to dance,

and she kindly said yes.

So call me old-fashioned,

but I'm a --

I'm a one-partner type of guy.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, I understand.

All right. Good.

No disrespect.

No.

-Old-fashioned. [ Chuckles ]

-Yes.

-Have a good night.

-Bye, Becky.



I-I don't know.

Um, I think Becky might want

a little bit more

tree-house time with you.

-Oh, that was a long time ago.

-Mm.

And it was nothing.

Really.

-Nothing.

-It was just a kiss.

Must have been some kiss.

Must have been.



Ugh! Now she is trying to bang

Shawn's cousin.

Oh, that is so low.

h* h* h* indeed!

[ Chuckles ]

We are dealing with a top-shelf

Christmas sl*t!

Santa made it just for you

[ Down-tempo music plays ]



DAVID:

Oh, man. Look at that.

I could see someone

who's always wanted to drop down

on the fresh powder

cutting a path

through uncharted territory.

Just them, the wind, the sky...

and their emotions.

-Ooh.

-You'd have me sold.

You kidding?

Them glossy pictures

did the selling.

Wow. You got --

You got quite an eye.

-Two of them, actually.

-[ Chuckles ]

You ever think about doing

this picture stuff

in a salaried,

non-amateur kind of way?

I'm talking bank-account stuff.

Uh, do you mean take pictures

as -- as a full-time job?

-Mm-hmm.

-Oh.

Um, I would love to.

I've just...

never really considered it.

Sorry.

In the way.

LIZ:

Jesse!

Any chance that you're going

into town today?

Robert left both

of his reading glasses here,

and without them,

he will only be able to find

his lunch by smell.

Oh, I'll drop them off,

Aunt Liz.

No. I need you here to go up

on the roof and do that man work

that you're so good at.

Otherwise, Robert will come home

and he will try to go up

on the roof by himself

and put up that showstopper

and tweak his sciatica.

-Hmm.

-Don't worry about it, Mrs. C.

I'll bring him the glasses.

Well, have fun on the roof.

Thank you.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]



-Knock, knock.

-Whoa.

Mr. C, I brought

your reading glasses.

Ah. Great.

Thank you.

-You are such a lifesaver.

-You're right.

It does seem a little bit

more quiet in here now.

Yeah. Yeah, probably more space

than I actually need anymore.

I should maybe think about

setting up shop

in the back of the drugstore

again.

-In the drugstore? Really?

-Yeah.

When I was first starting out,

I realized people love

to talk about what ails them.

And I thought,

"This is a good segue

into talking about

managing their finances."

And let me tell you, it worked.

I learned everything

there is to know

about everyone in this town,

and all from the back

of that little drugstore.

-Mm-hmm.

-Despite what my father said.

What'd your father say?

That it was impractical to -- to

start into business on my own,

that I should stay

and work on the farm,

like I was incapable

of thinking work,

like I was some stupid f*ck.

You know, I loved the old man,

and he definitely motivated me.

But sometimes

you just have to go for it.

[ "We Wish You

a Merry Christmas" plays ]

JESSE:

Okay. Um...a hat.

Uh, Santa's hat.

Elf hat.

No. Uh, Scrooge.

Uh -- Oh!

-The Grinch! The Grinch!

-Yes!

"The Grinch

Who Stole Christmas"!

-Oh, come on.

-[ Laughs ]

Wow.

I can't believe you got that.

-That -- That was amazing.

-All right.

No pressure,

but let's get this one

so I don't get dog-talked

all night long.

Okay. I got you, Robert.

So I'm guessing.

-You're guessing.

-All right.

All right. Let's go.

You got this, Uncle Robert.

Uh, waves.

Uh...chicken...

Uh, hat.

Hand.

Uh, smoking hand.

Fire.

-Fire!

-Y--

Uh -- Uh -- Uh -- Af--

Uh, bonfire.

Fire -- little specks.

Sparks.

Heat --

You want to touch the flame,

but you can't because you know

it's gonna burn you.

Uh, scar tissue

from previous relationships.

ROBERT:

Are you blind?!

DAVID:

Uh, b-ba*ls. Hot ba*ls.

ba*ls -- T-Testicle--

Chestnuts!

Roasting on an open fire.

Shawn!

-Hey! Surprise, everybody.

-LIZ: Sweetheart!

Yes. My --

Jesse.

Uh, what are you doing here?

I invited her.

If you're upset,

be upset with me.

Uh, I will remember that.

Thank you.

Uh, do you want to have

a little chat, maybe?

Talk in private?

D-- Yeah.

I have a private chat.

Jesse, what the f*ck?

I don't want a big fight

about this.

I can understand

if you're a little upset.

I mean, upset?

It's not even that --

I mean, I guess

I'm a little bit upset,

but frankly, I'm just surprised.

I mean, I'm shocked that...

that I'm seeing you right now.

I mean, help me understand this

a little bit.

So you got invited here.

Obviously you wanted to come

and what,

have some Christmas carbs

with my mom?

-What...

-Yeah.

Yeah, that's exactly

what I wanted.

Okay.

Well, I can appreciate that.

But let's walk the dog out just

a little bit farther on this,

because I don't see

how it plays out.

So...what,

this is an annual thing now?

Because in one to three years,

I'm likely gonna be dating

somebody else,

and I'm gonna bring her home

for the holidays.

I don't know where you fit

into that.

What, you stick around and take

our Christmas-card photos?

That sounds mean.

I don't mean it to be.

But w-- I-I don't see

how this ends well.

I love Christmas.

-You know that.

-Yeah.

And I didn't have

anywhere else to go.

And I don't even have

enough money

to buy another plane ticket

out of here

two days before Christmas.

so, yeah, I...

I guess I should have kept

walking the dog on that.

Well, I mean,

I don't want you to leave now.

-You don't?

-No.

I mean, the -- the drama

that this would cause?

Absolutely not.

It would ruin

everybody's holiday.

We don't want to burden

everybody with this, right?

[ Exhales sharply ]

Yeah. I-I agree.

Great. Okay.

Deal.

Well, I don't know.

I guess I'm just now wondering,

like --

The last, lingering issue

is, like, could we just have

one last, really enjoyable

holiday together?

Yeah.

I mean, that's --

I-I don't understand

what you mean.

What I mean is, is it weird

that...I just want to kiss you

right now?

Shawn, we are broken up.

-You broke up with me.

-I-I did.

And I think the good thing

about that

is that the pressure is off.

You know, we didn't make sense,

but what's wrong

with a little bit of fun?

Don't you think

that would complicate things?

I can't imagine that it would.

I mean, I don't have

all the answers,

but all I know is that I cannot

stop getting stared at

by this fella right here

who's got the red nose

and the rock-hard ears.

He's looking at me,

and he's going,

"What does Shawn want

for Christmas?"

You know?

His words, not mine.

I-I can just read it

on his face.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I need some time

to think about it.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

If you say so.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

I'm just gonna put these in

the dishwasher and head to bed.

SHAWN: So, anyway,

the interview was aces.

Turns out this guy also does

body sculpt -- same as me.

X1, same as me.

I should be X2, but my sensei

died on the way to the ceremony.

Hit-and-run. It's actually

a really funny story.

-Oh.

-But -- Don't worry about it.

Bottom line, I'm moving on

to the next round of interviews,

guaranteed.

They were loving it.

Job in the bag.

-That's fantastic.

-Thank you.

When you talk about sculpting

the body,

what -- what medium

are they working in?

Clay?

What are we talking about?

No, no. I mean mine.

We're talking --

-Human flesh?

-Oh, yeah. Tip to taint.

Ah. Silly old me just goes

outside and swings an ax.

What do I know?

[ Chuckles ]

And you do this in a facility?

You make it sound like

it's a mental asylum.

Well, it's late.

I think we should all go to bed.

I guess I'll be heading out,

then.

-Peace out.

-Absolutely not!

You will stay here.

No, no, no. I don't want

to cramp anyone's space.

Don't be ridiculous.

You can sleep in Shawn's room.

Well, I mean, I could lay

my head down for a little bit

if it's not stepping on toes.

Lay it down.

Move it around.

-Who gives a crap? Stick around.

-That's fantastic.

Let me get my hands

on your neck.

-Yeah. Mm!

-Thank you, Shawn.

-That felt good.

-I love you.

Thank you for all the love

and hospitality.

What the -- What was that?

I feel like you got Chap Stick

on my neck.

-Hey.

-Hey.

-I was just gonna floss.

-Yeah. Please.

Go ahead. Go first.

I'm not even tired.

Ooh. I got to wee-wee first

if that's cool.

Long day.

I'm exhausted!

Hey.

Hey, dibs on my bed, by the way.

I shouldn't have to say that.

Um, I hope you have

a good night.

You too.

I hope you have a-a good night.

Looks like I'm gonna get more

than I bargained for in here,

so...I'd scurry.

I just think

that the most important thing

that I could probably say,

and --

Hey, are you guys --

How long is this gonna take?

'Cause I might be a while

in here

and I'm...not digging

any of this.

Hey, D-Train,

you want to do me a favor?

Run downstairs,

grab me a book of matches.



I'm not gonna go in there

for a while.

That's smart, probably.



Robert, what are you doing?

Oh.

I'm a little stressed.

I want to slip out

and take a hit.

Well, thank you

for being honest,

but, oh, Robert, you've been

off of it for a whole year.

Yeah, but I-I will quit

right after Christmas.

Promise?

Yeah.

Sure.

Make it official.

I promise that I will stop

huffing paint

right after Christmas.

Okay.

I appreciate your honesty.

Enjoy.

Come back nice and hazy.

I'm going to blindfold you,

and we're going to play a game

where you try to guess

what you're touching.

-Perfect.

-[ Can rattling ]

SHAWN:

[ Sneezes, moans ]



[ Grunts, exhales deeply ]

[ Sniffs, groans ]

Ugh! Dude, I can't sleep

with a dog in here.

Yeah.

He always sleeps by my side.

Yeah.

Well, what the f*ck?

A dog in the bedroom?

I mean, I usually wake up

with a nice big bowling pin

in my pants,

but that ain't gonna happen

if this little mutt is in here.

Okay?

I'm sneezing like crazy.

Maybe the dog sleeps outside.

Well, he won't be able to sleep

away from me.

Yeah. Well, I can't sleep

with him in here.

All right.

We'll hit the couch.

-Yeah?

-Come on, buddy.

-Come on, Polo. Let's go.

-Yeah. Yeah.

Actually, uh, it's a good call,

'cause the couch

is actually a lot better

than this dumb old air mattress.

You just upgraded, I swear.

Mm!

[ Sniffs ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]



Polo.

-[ Snoring ]

-DAVID: Hey.

-[ Hinges squeaking ]

-[ Whispering ] Polo.

Hey, buddy.

Polo.

[ Snoring, mumbling ]







Traitor.

LIZ:

So...

I have everybody's stocking

except David's.

Ah. Well, that makes two of us.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, you've got to get one.

And you have to have

your first name

and last initial stitched on it.

And, Shawn, I need you

to get yours from the attic.

SHAWN:

I'm on it.

Hey, uh, Dad,

you going into Ketchum

and doing some

responsible accounting?

ROBERT:

Yes, sir, I am.

It beats sitting here, shoveling

muffins down my throat all day.

Well, we can't have that.

Mind if, uh, I tag along

with you, there, Pop-peroni?

-I would love that.

-Okay.

Ever since Shirley went

into rehab,

the place has gone to hell.

-Sweet.

-Yeah.

Not sweet but...

good she's getting help.

Jesse, this smelled bad,

but it tastes good.

I'm gonna need the recipe.

No problem.

Well...I'm off to the mop shop.

Uh, I guess I'll stop

at the deli for dinner.

-I'm happy to do it.

-I can take care of dinner.

LIZ:

Oh, you're lifesavers.

So I'll see everybody later

and --

Oh, got to carve out 13 minutes

for our special tub time,

Robert.

Ixnay on the ubtimetay.

Well, it's Wednesday, right?

-Already? Wow.

-See you later.

Thanks for everything, Aunt Liz.

Okay. Those numbers are not

gonna crunch themselves.

-Mm. Yep.

-JESSE: Here you go.

I know you like your fruit

in the morning.

Grazie. Yes. Fruit and...

any other kind of sweet treat.

All right.

Oh, do you have any other plans

for yourself today

besides just picking up dinner?

Um, I was gonna take out my

camera and sh**t some pictures.

That's wonderful.

Well, keep it primed.

Stay in the zone.

And I'm off like a prom dress.

Say, Jesse,

seeing as there's only one car,

I hear tell there's a valley

off Route 40

that's supposed to be stunning.

I could drop you off there

to capture some

of your camera magic,

then go to the Christmas market,

grab the stocking,

quickly embroider my name

and last initial, hit the deli,

then swing back and pick you up

on my way back.

If you're offering me a ride,

that's great.

-I'll take great for an answer.

-Great.

-[ Bells chime ]

-SHAWN: What's up, Beef?

Uh, a few things I need

for the folks.

Peanut butter, crunchy,

one-ply toilet paper,

grape soda, and cough syrup --

family size if you have it.

Oh, and do you know where I can

get some lingerie around here?

Something, you know, with, like,

the sort of clear-plastic,

like revealing plates

and the, you know,

sort of something high-cut,

you know, '80s style.

Buying it for a special lady?

Yeah.

A little present for my mom.



JESSE:

This valley is spectacular.

DAVID:

Yeah.

Well, uh, I'll be back

in a little bit to pick you up.

-You good?

-Yeah, I'm good.

I mean, it was a little crazy

that Shawn showed up, right?

I mean, at first I was --

it was awkward,

but then we connected

and came...together.

Well, whatever winds your watch.

I just hope everything turns out

the way you wish.

Polo, let's go!

-Polo! Come on! Let's go.

-Where is he?

Oh, he probably got the scent

of something.

He'll be back.

Polo!

Polo!

Come on!

He usually comes

when I call him.

Oh, there's his tracks.

Aw, hell.

Polo!

Polo!

-Dad.

-Uh, yeah.

Shirley die 10 years ago?

This place is

a f*cking disaster.

She's not dead.

She's in rehab.

And it's only been a month.

Uh, I'm happy to throw on some

rubber gloves and a hazmat suit

and help you make sense

of this mess if you want.

[ Laughing ]

Okay.

You go ahead

and organize everything.

I will go over to the post

office and mail some returns.

Pony Express

isn't coming through today?

You know, you can file

those online, right, Dad?

Yeah.

I like to mail things.

I'm gonna take a bath later,

so maybe we could, you know,

boil some water over a cauldron.

And we can take it out

of this water cooler

that you bought during the

f*cking Harding administration.

[ Laughing ] All right.

I'll be back.

-All right.

-Geez!

[ Sighs ]

Hello?

Mr. Campbell?

Becky Ackerman?

Hi, Shawn.

I heard that you weren't

coming home for Christmas.

Well, plans change.

Do you have an appointment

to see the old man?

I just need to file

my first year-end.

Becky's Bakery.

It's my very own business now.

It's pretty impressive.

Yeah.

He just popped down

to the post office for a bit,

but I'm happy to look over

whatever you want, up and down.

Oh.

Well, okay.

I just -- I need him to file,

because I already got my hands

dirty crunching all the numbers.

Hmm.

I applied all

of my online custom orders

as a separate contract.

Lowered my overall gross by 10%.

-You did all this yourself?

-I did.

I like getting my hands

on things.

Working it...like numbers.

Almost as much as I love baking.

Hmm.

Wow.

Well...

I can't believe these numbers

are for a startup.

That's incredible.

You know, it is a real skill

to, uh,

be able to grow something bigger

and then maintain it.

I like watching things grow,

especially profits.

You know, you should come by

and check it out.

I made a fresh batch

of eggnog macaroons.

If you have an appetite

for that kind of thing.

Might just have to take you up

on that.

Consider it a final invitation.

She's horny as f*ck.

DAVID:

Polo!

Hey, buddy!

Come on!

Polo!

Oh, hey.

-His tracks are over here.

-Oh.

He must have got the scent

of something real special.

Something he's a hard time

getting out of his mind.

Polo!

I got to find him.

Whoa.

JESSE:

Is that the wishing tree?

It's got to be.

[ Chuckles ]



I can't believe we found it.

-[ Laughs ]

-This is...

It's just in the middle

of nowhere.

[ Chuckles ]

This is...This is wild.

I told you it could be

your lucky year.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, now what?

Well...I think we make a wish.

You got one?

I wouldn't trust a man

who didn't.

-Me neither.

-[ Chuckles ]

-All right. On three.

-Yeah?

-One, two...

-One, two...

-...three.

-...three.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]



Good?

Very good.

You?

-Yeah!

-All right.

[ Dog barking ]

There you are,

you little rascal!

-Here you are!

-Oh!

What were you doing?

Polo!

Well, let's go find

your stocking.

After you.

After Polo. Come on!

Come on, buddy!



DAVID:

Oh, man.

They are gonna be mighty

buffaloed that we found it.

JESSE: I don't think

they should be too surprised,

'cause we do have a knack for

seeking out the extraordinary.

I mean, look at the stocking.

That's true. [ Laughs ]

I tell that.

[ Laughs ]

Is that Shawn?

DAVID:

Uh, I reckon it is.

Ah.

Should we say hi?

Yeah.

Let's do it.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

I cannot believe

how good these are.

-These are igniting my mouth!

-Thank you.

You know, looking at you,

I would never guess that, uh,

you had such a sweet tooth.

You know that's right.

[ Chuckles ] But I do.

Hey. You? Have a sweet tooth?

No way.

Who knew?

Jesse, have you been

to Becky's shop?

No, I haven't.

Oh, it's beautiful.

I mean, it is insane.

This business

is really going places.

I'm talking branding,

franchising.

-That's what I was thinking.

-Yeah.

Hey, David, you get your mouth

around my Nanaimo?

I sure did, and it was

finger-lickin', as always.

My mouth can't get enough

of your tasty treats, Becky.

-You know that.

-I tried it, too,

and it was delicious.

Oh, yeah.

Listen.

We should probably get going,

grab some stuff from the deli.

Shawn, I don't know

if you need a ride

or you're gonna hang here

with Mrs. Taste Good.

-Taste Good.

-That is an apt nickname.

But no, I think I'll finish

Dad's stuff back at the house,

so yeah, I'll hitch a ride.

Um, not to be a greedy Gary,

but, uh,

could I just wrap my mouth

around one more of these,

like, for the ride home?

You can wrap your mouth

around all of them.

-Get out.

-Take the whole box, please.

-The whole box?

-Take it. Please. Please.

-The whole box?

-Please, please, please, please.

SHAWN:

I'm not gonna protest. Okay.

-Thank you.

-Later, Beck.

BECKY:

Bye, you guys.

-See ya.

-Hey, Becky?

-Yeah.

-Bye-bye.

I'll see you, Beck.

Bye.

Whoop.

Snowball!

Bye, Becky.

-Bye, Becky.

-Bye.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

ROBERT:

Okay.

Well, before we dig in, uh, I'd

like to just say a few words.

Dear Lord, um,

thank You for bringing

the whole family together

on this most blessed holiday.

-Amen.

-Amen.

-Amen.

-Amen.

I know you guys are not

going to believe this,

but today David and I found

the wishing tree.

-[ Gasps ]

-SHAWN: What?

Get the f*ck out of here.

We could never find that thing.

I know.

It actually had more to do

with fate than luck.

Polo led us right to it.

-Ohh!

-How about that? Okay.

So...where is it?

[ High-pitched voice ]

What'd you wish for?

You know I can't tell you that.

[ Snorts ] Yeah. Nice one.

What'd you wish for?

Shawn, you know the rules.

Uh, I do, but it's horseshit.

You don't believe this stuff,

do you?

Of course I do.

Uh, okay.

Fine.

Never you mind.

David, out with it, pal.

Don't look at me, man.

I want my wish to come true.

SHAWN: You guys are about

as lame as a two-legged dog.

All right. Fine.

Wishes are secrets, apparently.

News flash to moi.

Either way, I did want to, uh,

on a sincere note,

raise a glass

and just say a couple of words.

That's nice.

I've been k*lling it recently.

This past year has been

an embarrassment

of financial success,

sexual, uh, adventures,

and the year ahead is gonna be

probably twice that.

-Ah. Cheer--

-And I have all the -- Hold on.

I have all the skills, charisma,

and talent in the world,

and it's all just sort of

coalescing at one time

in a really amazing,

kind of scary way, frankly.

I'm not sure what to do with it,

but, uh, thanks to me, I guess.

Uh, and, you know --

And that's without finding

the wishing tree.

So God forbid I ever do find it.

Game over.

And I'm very glad you're here.

-Thanks.

-DAVID: Cheers.

-All right.

-Cheers.

DAVID:

Hear, hear. Cheers.

LIZ:

Okay, sweetie.

-Well said.

-Thank you.



You never really did settle down

on a town

with, like, a job, did you?

No, I never did chain myself

to a paycheck.

I guess I was too fond

of having the sun on my face

-and the wind on my back.

-Ah. [ Chuckles ]

Well, I'm gonna go upstairs

and upload some photos.

Oh. You been taking a lot

of pics since you got here?

Yeah, I have.

It's been really inspiring.

-It's great here.

-Oh, they're amazing.

-JESSE: Thank you.

-Really, truly.

Well, it sounds like you guys

have been on quite

the adventure,

and I'm just glad you came away

unscathed, Jesse.

Great. Um, my buns have been

roasting by this open fire,

so I'm gonna turn in

for the night.

-Okay.

-Good night.

-Well, night.

-Night.

Anyway, I'm glad

she's excited about it.

But this nature-photography

sh*t, there's no future in that.

Well, you know, actually, Shawn,

I was thinking about asking her

to sh**t some photos

for my brochure.

I think those pictures

could really help sell

the experience for my clients.

You know, you say "brochure"

in a funny way.

-But I could see that.

-You say "catalog"?

-No, it's just --

-You don't say "brochure"?

-"Bro-sure"?

-Brochure.

What are you saying?

That's right.

So, how about you?

You trying to get into

some big-city firm, right?

Ah, maybe.

I'm thinking about it.

I mean, this firm wants me

so f*cking bad, I can taste it.

But, you know, I don't know.

You want to be a small fish

in a big pond?

Big fish in a small pond?

It's the age-old question,

right?

As long as I'm near any pond,

-I'm happy, right?

-That's not the point.

The point is, my dad knows

all of his clients personally.

-You know?

-That's nice.

You know, like Becky.

Yeah.

Kind of makes you think.

Right.

Think about Becky?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Becky.

Right.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

What rhymes

with "Christmas tree"?

I don't know.

Time to hump.

Okay.

That doesn't rhyme at all.

It does now.

-[ Light switch clicks ]

-ROBERT: [ Chuckles ]



Hey, Mrs. C.

Where are you off to?

Wendy McManus tried to

straighten her own hair,

-and now it's dry.

-Mm.

I have to go perform

a Christmas miracle.

Could you finish stitching

David's name on his stocking?

Of course.

And Shawn is at

his father's office all day.

-Catch you at dinner.

-You bet.

I'll start on the finger foods

for the party.

LIZ:

Okay.

[ Inhales sharply ]

Ow.

Oh.

Ow.

What?

You okay?

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah.

I-I just poked myself.

I know Aunt Liz used to keep

a bunch of Band-A*DS

in that drawer.

I should know.

Yep.

I went through a ton of them

every visit.

That's very surprising.

[ Drawer closes ]

-Give me that finger.

-[ Laughs ]

You don't do this on my behalf,

I hope.

No.

You know Mrs. C.

Everyone's stocking

has to have their name.

And last initial.

Mm.

Exactly.

I sincerely appreciate

the effort.

Anything for Christmas.

You know, Jesse, um...

...I want to talk to you

about some work stuff.

[ Clears throat ]

Hi.

-Hey.

-Hey.

I heard you were at your, uh,

dad's office again today.

Yeah.

It's nice in there, you know?

-Quiet.

-Good.

Well, should we take a trip

around the old boardwalk?

Yeah. Let's do that.

Jesse?

-Sounds good to me.

-It'll be fun.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh.

I'll get that.

Hey!

Becky, nice to see you.

Thank you.

Is Shawn here?

I stopped by the office.

-Hi, Becky.

-Hi, Shawn.

I just finished filing

your taxes.

Well, I appreciate that.

That's actually why I'm here --

to properly thank you.

-Aww.

-I made you --

and your family, of course --

this Christmas cake.

-It's still a little warm.

-Wow.

And probably...sticky

on the inside.

Well, that's my favorite.

Well...looks

and it smells great.

Hey, you're not in too big

of a rush, are you?

We were just about to sit down

and, uh, play some 'Nopoly.

No.

No rush here.

-I love 'Nopoly.

-You do?

I do.

-Come on in.

-I'd love to.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Exhales deeply, sniffs ]

Mm.



BECKY:

Mm!

Oh, darn!

And that is going to cost you

1,500 big'uns.

-Oops.

-JESSE: Oh. Sh--

Yep.

I am cleaned out.

-I'll lend you some money.

-Hey! No.

That ain't how it works, hoss.

Uh, sorry.

You're done.

-[ Snaps fingers ] Damn.

-All right.

-Becky, your turn.

-It's at me. It's coming at me.

And remember, all of Jesse's

hotels are now up for auction.

-I have a proposition for you.

-SHAWN: Oh.

Would you like to trade me

Pacific Avenue for Vermont?

-Yes.

-Really?

-Yes. This works out well...

-Okay.

-Goodness me.

-...for all parties involved.

All parties are happy.

Some wonderful side action.

-David, it is your roll.

-Great.

But snake eyes will cost you

everything you've got.

-BECKY: Oh, they will.

-Be careful.

-No pressure.

-No snake eyes. Here we go.

-SHAWN: I say yes pressure.

-Okay. Lucky roll.

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

You're outta there!

Pack up your sh*t

and get outta here!

Oh, that's a bummer.

All right.

Well, that was fun.

That was a lot of fun.

SHAWN:

Indeedily. Okay.

Well, looks like there are

just two people left

playing 'Nopoly.

Berkshire Hathaway?

Ooh.

You scared?

I'm not sure I am.

I can't remember the last time

I actually lost at that game.

You're a formidable opponent.

You too.

-BECKY: Bye, Shawn.

-Night, Becky.

-DAVID: Bye, Becky!

-Bye!

Oh.

Well, tomorrow is a big day.

So when your dad comes down

from the roof,

tell him that I'm going to bed.

Okay.

Good night, Shawn.

I'm so glad you made it home.

Me too.

Night, Mama.

-DAVID: Good night, Aunt Liz.

-JESSE: Good night.

LIZ:

Good night, you two.

Gonna see if Uncle Rob

needs a hand on the roof.

Perfect.

So, Jesse...

So, did you want a slice of cake

or maybe want to just sneak up

to the bedroom

and get something straight

between us?

Oh. Uh...

[ Chuckles ]

Actually, I'm kind of tired,

and, um, it's gonna be

a big day tomorrow,

with the party and everything,

so I'm just gonna turn in.

Okay.

Well, if I was hanging out,

it might help you sleep

a little bit better.

I'm sure it would, but, um,

we'll just talk tomorrow.

-Mm-kay.

-Okay?

Sounds like a plan.

[ Chuckles ]

-Good night!

-Good night.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]



[ Door opens ]

Hey, Uncle Rob.

[ Sighs ]

One more night,

and then it's showtime.

Oh, boy.

You need a hand here?

Yeah. These bulbs

are giving me a problem.

Oh, I got it.

You've done enough.

You're damn right I have.

I've footed the bill

for this entire holiday.

And the way my wife cooks,

that's not exactly cheap.

Hell, I-I could've taken

a solo Disney cruise.

-Ah, next year.

-Yeah.

Well, we'll see you in the --

Oh, hey, Shawn.

-Hey.

-All right.

-Sleep tight, big dog.

-Good night, buddy.

Thank you, sir.

Wow.

Not bad.

You need a hand with this stuff?

Oh, no. That's --

That's okay. I got it.

Okay.

Cool.

So, uh, you talk to Jesse about

taking those photos for you yet?

No.

No, not yet.

Good.

Yeah. I wouldn't.

I'm, uh, actually

starting to think about

maybe making a run with her

long term here in Ketchum.

Really?

Plus I got the family business

I could fall into

with Pop-peroni.

It's the perfect parachute!

You know what I'm talking about?

Rather than just being a number

in the city,

make a name for myself

here in Ketchum.

-Mm.

-Could be a good life.

I mean, she loves Ketchum,

you know? [ Farts ]

Plus, I think she'd be

a really good stay-at-home mom.

Right.

I mean, she loves the scenery.

Look around.

-We've got all these mountains.

-Beautiful.

She could take photos

of all this sh*t.

-Fresh air. The smells.

-She could stay sharp

by, uh, taking photos

of our s-s-sessions.

-What type of sessions?

-Sex.

-Okay. Oh, I see.

-Yeah.

Nothing on a hard drive.

I don't want any, you know...

evidence.

Have you talked to Jesse

about this?

Dude, uh, I broke up with her,

and she's here spending

Christmas with my family.

I think it's a "yes" from her.

[ Laughs ]

All right.

Well, good luck.

You, uh, sure you got all that?

Uh, yeah. No. I'm good.

-I got it.

-All right. Cool.

Hey, uh, big night tomorrow.

Party.

-Yep. Can't wait.

-Light show.

-Can't wait.

-[ Door closes ]

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]



All right.

No toothpicks.

And we need more of these.

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Hey.

-Hey! Hi.

I'm actually starting to enjoy

bumping into you like this.

-Hm.

-Um...

-Where's Polo?

-Oh, he's upstairs.

Just, uh, trying to keep him

away from all this temptation.

Mm-hmm.

-It's a pretty great turnout.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

-It sure is.

Do you want a...

Mrs. C's Cheese Puff?

Um, it's a new recipe.

I think she really nailed it.

Who knew mayonnaise and bacon

would go on in cheese puff?

I didn't.

There's one left.

Do you want it?

No, thank you.

I'm -- I'm good. Thank you.

Hey, um...

-is everything okay?

-Yeah.

Just, uh, cheese ba*ls weren't

on the menu for me tonight.

If something is bothering you,

then it's better to just say it,

you know...than not.

[ Glass clanking ]

Hi, everyone.

Uh, merry Christmas.

Uh, could I have your attention

for a moment now?

Oh, thank you, Liz.

I've got an announcement

to make, please.

Uh, starting in the new year,

Campbell Accounting is going to

acquire a brand-new partner.

And I think he'll be able

to cook your books

just as well as I have

over all these years.

[ Chuckles ]

And his name

is Mr. Shawn Campbell!

Well, that's my name.

That's weird!

-[ Laughter ]

-Yes. Thank you, Dad.

Uh, good to be a partner.

And, uh, you know, I'm gonna

cook them the best I can.

Let's take the government

for everything it's got, okay?

But really,

let's all get super f*cked up.

Leave your keys in the bowl

and your inhibitions

in the backyard.

Let's do this up and celebrate.

Merry merry!

-[ Laughter, applause ]

-Yes!

[ Bells jingling ]

[ Door opens, bells jingling ]

-Jesse. Hey.

-Hey.

I was trying to connect with you

to give you the news myself,

but, you know,

the old man just got so excited.

He looked over the moon.

I mean, you've made him

very proud.

I didn't plan on any of this,

but since I got home,

it's just felt so right,

you know?

I'm very happy for you.

Well, I mean, the plan is for us

to be happy together.

Look, you love Ketchum,

and you love my family.

And then the partnership

with my dad,

and everything's just...

falling into place.

It's like --

like it's meant to be.

Yeah. I...I guess.

-Look --

-I mean...

...I don't want to rush

this moment too much, but...

I do want to get

to the good stuff,

by which I mean

me having sex a-with you.

You know?

Look, I want you in every room

in this house.

Oh. Uh, there's a lot of rooms

in this house.

Doesn't that sound wonderful?

Do you feel what's going on

there?

I do.

Mm-hmm.

That is about as hard

as a p*nis gets.

I'm throbbing.

Oh!

Uh, okay.

I, um -- Wow.

I-I just need, um, a second

to -- to process.

This is all happening very fast.

Yeah. Okay. I get it.

Think about it.

And while you're doing that,

maybe we could, uh,

process this hard-on, you know?

We made it together, after all.

I just need, like, a little time

to -- to think about it...

-Um...yeah.

-...for a second.

All right. Well, don't think

about it too much.

I mean, I got sub-10% body fat

and, uh, my own business.

So...a lot of options.

Oh, I think it's time

for the light show.

ROBERT:

All right, everyone.

Lizzie and I are thrilled

to once again be sharing

this most special time

of the year

with all of you,

our family and friends.

Give 'er the business, Rob!

-[ Laughs ] Yeah!

-Whoo!

-Lizzie, the honors, please.

-Mm-hmm.

[ Switch clicks, box beeps ]

[ Dramatic music plays,

crowd cheering ]



[ "Jingle Bells" plays,

crowd cheering, applauding ]



[ Music playing, crowd cheering

in distance ]

[ Dog whimpers ]

I know, buddy.

Just you and me.



[ Sniffs ]

Mmm!





[ Music ends,

crowd cheering, applauding ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]



-Morning.

-Morning, sunshine.

Oh, no.

I'm okay.

A little early in the morning

for me, but thank you.

No worries.

I'm just having fun.

It's the holidays.

Might have a tall boy

with lunch.

So...

...Shawn had some pretty

exciting news last night.

Yeah.

Yeah, he sure did.

Well, I am not surprised

that he decided to work with his

father and start a life here.

Mm.

Do you remember

that magical metaphor

I told you about before?

About taking the path

less traveled?

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Like the Robert Frost metaphor.

Who's that?

Robert Frost.

The poet.

Well, I'm not talking

about poems, Jesse.

I am talking about life.

-Mm.

-And sometimes in life,

there's a fork in the road.

Yeah. Yeah, I think he was

talking about that as well.

Well, for me,

as it applied to my life,

I could either take the path

that was safe and established,

or I could take the one

that was less traveled,

the one that was following

my heart.

And for me,

that made all the difference.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

And I want you to know...

...that whichever path you take,

I support it.

Thank you, Mrs. C.

That means a lot.

Come here, Jesse.



[ Hangers clanking ]

SHAWN:

Ah! Perfect.

I have been trying to get inside

those wee little underpants

all day.

-Shawn -- S-Shawn --

-Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...

Hey, hey.

Can I -- Can I -- Can -- Hey.

Can you just let me talk?

Shawn?

-What?

-Can I just have a minute?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll talk. We'll talk.

Good idea. We'll connect

mentally, you know?

Get a good intimacy lather

going,

nice and soapy,

before we get to the good stuff.

I get it. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's do it.

Let's preheat the oven.

Let's, um, breathe deep and, uh,

make that connection happen.

I'm all ears.

What do you want to -- Oh!

[ Snaps fingers ]

This ought to light your wick.

How about we talk about...

what color we can paint

the baby's room?

I'm thinking maybe an aqua

until we...

-Shawn.

-...reveal the gender.

-Uh-huh.

-Honestly...

I do not want to move forward

and start a life with you.

Wait.

What are you talking about?

Shawn, when you broke up

with me...

-Uh-huh.

-...you told me that one day

I would look back

and I would realize

that us going our separate ways

was for the best.

-And you were right.

-I said that?

No. Jesse --

[ Chuckles ]

We're very different.

We're different,

and we like different things.

You like playing 'Nopoly,

and everything is a competition.

And I like -- I don't know --

taking pictures of flowers.

And I don't run everything

through a filter

of "How can I brand this

and make money?"

Yeah. I never understood that

about you.

And you're gonna be here,

working with your dad

and -- and being

with your family.

And I'm...

I'm so excited for you.

But that's the right

next chapter for your life.

But it's not mine.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Yeah. I knew my words would

come back to bite me in the a*s.

I guess this means

you'll be taking that job

working with David.

What job working with David?

The job taking pictures.

David wants us to work together?

Ye...

Ooh. Whoops.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to say

anything.

Uh, sorry.

I just assumed that you not

wanting to move forward with me

was because of him.

Um...

And I'm not stupid, Jesse.

I can see how well

you two get along

and have all kinds of stuff

in common.

And...

And the truth is,

he's a really great guy.

Very poor, but a great guy.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]





DAVID:

I'm sorry.

I'm not gonna make Christmas

after all.

Happy holidays.



[ Indistinct conversations ]





DAVID:

Got the supplies, Polo.

Next stop -- Boise.

[ Engine starts ]



-It's a quarter after 1:00

-[ Dog barking ]

I'm all alone,

and I need you now

DAVID:

Quiet! What's the matter?

Oh, buddy, come on.

You should have gone

before we left.

[ Sighs ]

Man.

Get out here.

All right.

Make it quick, buddy.

-[ Hinges squeak ]

-Not -- Not too far, now!

Polo! Hey!

Not -- [ Groans ]

Damn it.

Polo!

[ Wind whistling,

glass clanking ]

I guess some wishes just expire.

[ Dog barking in distance ]

Polo?

[ Laughs ]

Polo, come here!

-Hi! What are you doing here?

-DAVID: Hey! Polo!

Oh.

Po--

Oh, man.

Hey.

Hey.

Polo ran off.

Thought he was chasing

a squirrel.

David, listen.

Um...I need to tell you this.

When Shawn walked through

that door, my...

my heart wasn't happy

to see him.

Obviously, your lips were.

What are you talking about?

[ Sighs ]

Jesse, come on.

Don't make me say it.

I saw you two kissing

last night.

Okay.

That's why you left.

David, you saw him kiss me.

But I wasn't kissing him back.

-Hey, Jesse, don't stand here --

-No. David --

David, listen to me.

When I first got here,

I was very confused,

and -- and Shawn came home,

and he was all...horned up,

and I actually felt

really guilty

about being here

in the first place.

But ultimately, it...

...it reaffirmed

what my heart already knew.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

That I was falling in love

with you.



Just a few short days ago, I was

standing in front of this tree,

and I made a Christmas wish.

And I'm kind of hoping

it still comes true.



Well, that's funny.

'Cause I made a wish too.





I think that was it.

All right.

I'll see you later.

-I'm just kidding. Come here.

-[ Laughs ]



O Christmas tree,

O Christmas tree

Your leaves

are so unchanging

O Christmas tree...

Oh, please!

He's not here to buy cake.

We know what that

beaver hound's after.

Wow.

Look at you, coming inside...

my shop.

Well, I decided that I would,

and...I never pull out.

So here I am.

And good golly,

it is warm and tight in here.

Hopefully it still...

smells fresh as well

this late in the afternoon.

Never fresher.

And I already know the taste

is out of this world.

Did you come by

for a little Taste Good?

No. I had something in mind

that might last...

a little bit longer than that.

You dodged a b*llet, Darlene.

Although I wouldn't mind

getting a peek

at that magic ding-a-ling,

see what all the fuss is about.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Engine humming ]

-Christmas

-The snow's comin' down

-Christmas

-I'm watchin' it fall

-Christmas

-Lots of people around

-Christmas

-Baby, please come home

Whoo!

-The church bells in town

-Ah!

-Christmas

-Are ringin' a song

-Christmas

-Such a happy sound

Christmas

Baby, please come home

They'll see me deck

the halls

But it's not like Christmas

at all

I remember

when you were here

And all the fun we had

last year

-Christmas

-Pretty lights on the trees

-Christmas

-I'm watching them shine

-Christmas

-You should be here with me

Christmas

Baby, please come home





They'll see me deck

the halls

But it's not like Christmas

at all

I remember

when you were here

And all the fun we had

last year

-Christmas

-If there was a way

-Christmas

-To hold back these tears

-Christmas

-But it's Christmas Day

-Please

-Please

-Please

-Please

-Please, please

-Please, please

-Please, please

-Please, please

-Please

-Baby, please come home

[ "Deck the Halls" plays ]