Happy Christmas (2014)

[bunniefuu]

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

That little boy's a sweet boy.

He's such a sweet boy.

He is a sweetie.

He loves his dada so much.

He wanted to read

five books tonight.

Oh. Thank you.

The same,

one of them was the same book twice.

Thank you for doing that.

Are you gonna do

any writing tonight?

Do you want to hang out?

I mean, I feel like I have so much

to do before your sister comes.

Thanks again for driving up early today,

man.

Easy. Not a problem.

It would have been fun to listen

to this stuff tonight, but...

Yeah... my sister broke

up with her boyfriend

and thinks she wants to

live in Chicago now, so...

Not good.

Her flight gets in tonight

and I need to be

back to make sure

the house looks

okay and everything.

No, it's no problem at all.

Yeah,

did you check out that stuff I sent?

I haven't had a chance

to listen to any of it.

No?

So let's just go through...

Cool. Let's see.

Yeah.

Jeans.

Hi!

What are you guys doing?

Numbers? Yeah.

Jenny's here, or she landed.

Okay.

So she's just calling...

I know.

I'm coming down.

So she's gonna jump in a cab,

so 45 minutes or an hour. (BABY CRYING)

What's wrong?

Momma's done playing with numbers?

Can you do it with Dada?

Here you go.

Thank you so much.

Let me help with that.

Hey! How are you?

Hey, welcome, welcome.

I'm good. How are you?

Yeah.

Thank you very much.

That was...

Did you pay already?

Yes.

Okay. Great. Thank you!

Thank you very much.

You're welcome. Yep.

Have a nice night!

Sorry,

that one's... Sorry.

That's okay.

Come on in.

Hi, Dada!

Hi, baby.

Look, guess who's here!

Hey! Hi.

(LAUGHING)

It is so good to see you!

Hi! I'm so happy

to see you!

I'm in the middle of cooking.

And you're feeding me, too?

It's amazing!

Yeah, I'm, it's...

You're everything.

Look!

Hey, buddy!

Yeah? I'll...

Okay, we'll get you another graham cr*cker,

but first, can you say hi?

Can you say hi?

Do you remember me?

Hi.

Hi!

He won't remember me, right?

Hi. I don't know if

he would remember you.

You're giving high-fives?

Hey! Thank you.

Can you give kisses?

Can you give me...

Can you give me a kiss?

Thank you!

Can Daddy have a kiss?

Come on down.

Are you prepared for this?

Yeah, I'm excited.

You've built it up enough.

I mean, descend

with me into Polynesia.

(GROANS)

Wait till you

get a load of this.

(CHUCKLES) This is so...

(GRUNTS)

Oh, no!

I know, right?

Are you kidding me?

Are you joking?

Check it out, lady.

I know.

This is insane!

Is this...

Everything here is from the 1950s.

We bought it exactly as you see.

It's our booze, but...

I mean, the guy came home from World

w*r II and built a f*cking tiki bar.

All this is...

All this is theirs.

This starfish is not yours?

None of this is ours.

Incredible, right?

What?

I mean, check this out.

What?

(SIGHS)

Is this...

This is...

the material from

the bench out there?

Yeah, I mean, the same.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

It's all of a piece.

And these are not your mallards?

These are...

All the birds in the house

were here when we got it.

I'm... This... Like, what?

Wild, right?

I know.

(GRUNTING PLAYFULLY)

(LAUGHS)

(EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHING)

Can you do it?

Jude's turn.

Mmm!

(ALL CHUCKLING)

That's great that he has

to do it with the fork

'cause you did it with a fork.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh-oh. Here,

let Daddy help. Okay.

Your turn.

(EXCLAIMS)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh, the little duck rides

on the big duck's back

Quack, quack, quack

Quack, quack, quack

I'm gonna give you duck kisses

Gonna give you duck kisses

Quack, quack, quack

Hey!

Hi!

Hey, I'm such a jerk.

I told my friend Carson

that I was gonna meet her,

and I'm leaving

you to do the dishes.

No. I can...

I can take 10 minutes...

No, don't be crazy.

Don't be a crazy person.

I'm...

You look so cute!

Thank you!

Hi.

H-I. Yeah, very good.

If you want to leave this,

I can do it as soon as I get home.

Oh, my God.

Don't be. It's my life.

That's a terrible idea.

Yeah, you don't wanna leave it.

Yeah. No, honestly...

Sorry. I'm worst.

I'm so happy.

I'm drinking and...

No, I'm good. Thank you.

I'm gonna give you duck kisses Quack,

quack, quack

Bye, baby.

Bye, Jude. Can you say bye?

Can you say bye-bye?

Bye-bye!

Good boy!

Hey, what are you doing

tomorrow afternoon?

Or morning-ish, 11-ish?

Nothing.

Okay. Do you think you could

babysit for a few hours

while Kelly goes out to

brunch with some friends?

Yeah, no problem.

She didn't want to ask you.

She wanted me to ask you.

Okay.

But she will give you

the rundown tomorrow.

Cool. Okay.

All right.

Well, enjoy yourself.

Okay, night.

And, yes.

Stay out as long as you want.

Just come in.

We'll leave the side door open.

And then I'll get you your

own set of keys tomorrow.

Okay. Okay.

Bye.

Q-R-S-T...

Okay, you can sing by yourself.

Go.

Finish the song.

(GIGGLING)

Hi!

Hey!

How are you?

Oh, my God.

It's so good to see you.

It's so good to see you.

I'm so excited.

How are you?

Good.

You put out all the Nick stuff?

It's good.

You feel good?

Yes. I feel mostly good.

I mean, it's gonna be hard.

These things are hard.

It's gonna be hard and...

But in the long-run,

I'm gonna be way happier,

he's gonna be way happier.

Yeah. I'm just gonna stay strong.

Yeah.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on.

Hi.

Hi, how are you?

Good! How are you?

I still don't know what this is.

Oh.

A loft space that looked like...

Hey, baby.

I'm stealing her for one second.

We'll be back!

I want you to

meet Ezra and Megan.

Hi!

Hey, how are you?

Hi.

Hi.

They're not capable of

independent thoughts.

I need to pee really quick, guys.

Okay.

Sorry. Okay.

Sorry. Hello. Hi.

Hi!

I'm so glad that was you.

Are you having a good time?

Yes.

Do you like people?

Everybody's so nice.

Your friends are so nice.

You think so?

Maybe they're just

being nice, but...

No, they're nice.

Are people making you nervous?

No. Everybody's...

You want me to drive you home?

No.

And I don't want to be one of

those people that just, like,

continues to do the...

Thank you.

Do the same kind of stuff.

You know what I mean?

No?

I'm gonna put on some music.

It's okay.

Oh, no.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Have you guys seen Jenny?

No.

Hi. Have you guys seen...

Well, her name's Jenny,

but she came with me.

She has long

brown hair and like,

kind of like an aquiline nose.

No?

So you're just saying she's in...

She's asleep in your bed?

She's passed out,

like, blackout.

And you shook her?

I shook her and I just...

I'm worried that she's gonna be sick.

That's horrible.

I'm so sorry. I know.

She was in the bathroom

for a long time,

and I don't know, and...

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, no. It's fine.

I'm gonna go handle this right now.

And we'll be out of your house

in five to seven minutes.

No, you don't even

have to leave, just...

I want to leave.

I'm embarrassed.

No, you don't want

to leave, but, yeah.

Jenny.

Jenny, baby,

this isn't the place to sleep.

This is someone's bedroom.

We're gonna get you back

to your own bedroom, okay?

Okay, let's move it,

okay, Jenny?

Jenny, I need you to

get out of the bed.

So I'm gonna take you

out of the bed now.

That hurt.

Don't kick me.

I don't want to have to touch

you in these place... Ow!

These are coming

off here. This is...

You just opened your eyes like a

person who knew what you were doing.

Get up! Get up!

I beg of you to just get out of the bed.

This is embarrassing for me.

This is honestly

embarrassing for me.

Hello?

(CLEARS THROAT) What?

Is she okay?

Okay.

You can go back to sleep.

What? What?

Okay, will you just text

me the address and I'll...

I'm gonna jump in

the car right now.

I'll be over there

in just, in a sec.

Okay, no, no. I'm glad you called.

Okay, thanks.

Jenny?

I'm gonna need

you to just stand up

and then I can carry you

the rest of the way,

but will you please

just get up enough that...

I'm fine.

This is what I was dealing with

in the bedroom, by the way.

I'm fine. Don't!

I'm so...

All right, will you help me open the door,

please? The front door.

Yeah. I'm gonna be

back for my coat.

I have my car keys in my pocket.

I am so sorry.

So when we're outside...

I am so sorry

that I woke you up.

Are you apologizing to me?

Yes.

I'm glad you called me.

It's the right thing to do.

Don't apologize for that.

I'll just be back for my coat

in one second. I'm so sorry.

Okay. Will you, will you...

Before we get outside,

will you fish my keys out of my pocket?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I was figuring out which...

Just hit the unlock button.

You're gonna have to help

me get her into the car.

Okay. All right, Jenny.

I'm gonna set you down

and we're gonna take a few steps

out of the front door, okay?

I'm fine.

Can you... I'm sorry.

Yeah, I got the door.

I got the door.

(JUDE EXCLAIMING)

KELLY: Do you want some more?

Do you want some cereal?

A little bit of cereal?

There. There's a whole

bunch of Cheerios.

Yum, yum.

(MOANING LOUDLY)

(CHUCKLES)

You're a crazy person.

You're eating

that like a maniac.

(MIMICS JUDE)

Hey.

Hey, sweetie.

Do you want some

eggs if I make some?

Yes, please.

Okay.

Here you go.

Here you go. Hold that.

(JUDE COOING)

Quack, quack, quack, quack,

quack, quack, quack, quack.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey.

Hi.

I'm Jenn.

Hey, Jenn.

I'm Jeff's sister, so, hi.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

I'm Kevin.

Is Kelly not here?

No.

Okay.

Yeah.

No, Kelly and Jeff left a little while ago.

It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Are you just hanging out?

No, I was just

gonna take a shower.

Okay.

(JUDE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Yeah, a cow.

We're just playing with some animals.

Cool.

Nice to meet you!

Nice to meet you, too.

All right, you want

to do that again? Okay.

KEVIN: Hey, we're gonna go to

the park if you want to come.

What?

We're gonna go to the park

if you want to come with us.

Um, yeah.

Yeah, I just need

to put shoes on.

Okay, we'll be out front.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God.

A happy boy.

How long are you in town for?

For a while, I think.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I don't actually know.

Okay.

He's obsessed with you.

We got a pretty

good thing going, yes.

That's my little guy.

My little friend.

A grape. A grape.

Jude, can I have a grape?

No.

No?

Can I have an apple?

Oh.

Hi.

KEVIN: Hey!

Is it good?

KELLY: Thank you so much.

KEVIN: You are so welcome.

Sorry to do that so

last minute. I really...

No worries. He pooped twice

and I just changed him.

Great. Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Thank you, yeah.

Do you want to feed it to me?

Jenny. I should get your number

so I can give you those DVDs.

Yeah! Thank you, Jude.

I'll just put it in your phone.

Okay. Here.

I don't know if he

should eat that now.

Great. I'll...

Yeah, see ya.

Call you when they're ready.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you, Kevin.

Thank you.

Yeah. You're welcome.

Have a good day.

I'm gonna eat all your apples.

I don't go out

with the intention of

getting hammered and coming...

It just...

It just happens?

I'm a... I...

You just find that that happens?

No, no, I'm just saying that did happen.

I don't know.

Empty stomach or whatever,

and I, you know...

Obviously it,

that got away from me and that's...

I'm an adult and

that's a weak excuse,

but it's not like I'm gonna

be going out and partying.

I know you have a baby in the house

and I can't be coming home...

I know.

It's not the greatest.

It makes me nervous that you're

gonna leave the door unlocked or,

you know, some...

Right.

Just some of it just makes

me a little nervous.

Right.

But, you know,

but also, are you okay?

Like what happened

with her boyfriend

and stuff like...

Nobody knows...

I don't know.

Well, I certainly don't know.

She's drinking a lot.

She didn't act

like it was some strange thing.

She's drinking a lot.

Is she drinking a lot today?

What do you mean?

Just last night she drank a lot?

No, last night, you...

Who does that on the first

night with their brother?

I don't know.

I mean, she's a lot younger than us.

I don't know.

Do you remember how you used to act?

That's not very nice.

No, I'm not accusing.

I'm asking you do you

remember how you used to act.

That wasn't an implication.

Yes, you've heard stories.

That was an implication. But I...

It was not, relax.

I had some semblance of propriety

or something, you know?

Oh, my God. Now you're

acting all victimized.

I wasn't saying anything.

Relax.

God, I'm not.

Anyway, all I'm saying is

it would be really good

if you could just have a talk to

her and just sort of cement it.

Okay. The next time

she does something like this,

I'll certainly

have a talk with her.

Well, why don't you just talk to

her now so there isn't a next time?

Oh, my God.

You are terrible.

She's just in the basement.

You mean "right now" right now?

It's like, 20 steps away.

Yeah, tonight,

just so it's not like,

"Hey, I'm the d*ck who has a problem

with it. Your brother's cool."

I mean, if Trevor was here,

I would have told him.

Jesus Christ. But he behaved like an angel,

so...

I'm go...

Fine, I'm going. Jesus.

Thank you.

Hey.

Hey.

How's everything going?

Good.

You done with those dishes?

Yeah. I'm...

Okay.

I love her.

I love your whole family.

I don't know if I feel

super comfortable anymore.

You don't feel like she can

successfully babysit Jude

for even minor times you would

like to leave the house?

She doesn't seem like

a responsible person.

She's not a responsible person.

Okay, so...

A lot of the reason why

it was a good idea for her

to come live here

was for you. Not me.

No, I know that.

She's gonna lighten your load.

But she proved

we can't trust her.

It's not like...

So what are you gonna do?

You're gonna have

that conversation

with her and tell her

you don't trust her...

I kind of did.

Give her a second chance.

Let her prove to us that

that was a one-time thing.

All right.

Everything's great.

(JEFF LAUGHING)

Thank you so

much for doing this.

No, I'm excited.

Is it okay if I

just leave that...

Yeah, yeah.

I'll... I got it.

It's not so dirty.

There's so many dishes. I'm sorry.

No, no.

This is the whole point.

No, you don't have to...

I've gotta earn my keep.

You're fine.

You're great.

Okay. So he is gonna

have to have lunch.

Yeah.

And a little snack.

A good thing for him to

have is any of that.

Okay.

If he tries to get cookies,

no, he can't have cookies.

Okay.

But there's

something in the fridge.

It's wrapped in Saran Wrap

and it's obviously...

His lunch. This is the... Yeah.

A baby lunch.

Okay. Okay. Easy.

But I'll show you.

It's this, there.

Yeah.

So just heat that up in the

microwave for 30 seconds.

Do you want me to text you updates every,

like...

Oh. If you...

I can send you pictures,

"He's still alive."

That's, yeah, if you want to, yeah.

Okay.

That would be... Yeah.

Okay.

Are you nervous?

No, I'm excited. I'm excited.

He's... I'm gonna make him love me.

He loves you.

Hi, I'm just calling

to make an appointment

for my son for

a two-year checkup.

His name is Jude Spelling.

Jude is currently

making me a sandwich.

Yep, alive and well.

Jude, what about this?

Uh-oh!

Can you do this, Jude?

Can you dance, Jude?

Can you do this?

No.

(TOY CHIMES)

Do I put it in now?

Is that what he wants?

I know I want a baby,

but I don't actually know why.

Oh!

I mean, you are very cute,

but if I spend

another hour with you,

I'm gonna pass out

and maybe never wake up.

Buddy?

What do you want, Jude?

(JUDE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Karate?

No idea.

No.

If you were to have a...

Do you feel like you would wait

a long time to have a baby?

Can we have those?

I don't know.

I don't feel like I want a baby.

Oh.

Like, ever, maybe?

But I'm not grossed out by Jude.

Well, I have

the reverse reaction,

which is I am

slightly grossed out

and I definitely want a baby.

Do you want

this back? Yeah!

I don't know if he knows how to dip,

but this was in there, so...

There you go, buddy.

Lunchtime.

Make a crude gesture.

No!

Just make a face

that doesn't seem like

a face of a person

who should be with a baby.

That's my face all the time.

Do it.

That's Jude and Jenny.

That's just Jude. Just Jude.

I can't tell...

Can you tell that's Jude?

And that's a picture of my butt.

(DOOR CREAKS)

Hi. Sorry.

Hi.

Hello. Hi. I am Kelly.

Hi!

Sorry. This is Carson.

Right.

It's so nice to meet you.

I heard about your fancy name.

CARSON: You have

such a fancy house.

This house is amazing.

Yeah.

I think it's so fun and funky

and sexy in a weird way.

I love it.

Well, thank you, Carson.

How are you doing?

Good. Jude was amazing.

He's f*cking funny.

He's really funny, yeah.

And such a friendly person.

Yeah.

I found the little

Tupperware things

and he wanted to feed us a lot,

but, he ate, you know...

He ate his food.

...80 percent of it.

How long has he

been sleeping for?

JENNY: He went down

right at 1:00, so...

Good. Okay. Great.

Well, thank you for

doing that. I really...

It was no problem.

You know...

It was great to get to know him.

I appreciate it.

Okay.

I'm gonna make some dinner for...

Do you want to have

a drink with us?

I could make you this

delightful concoction.

You should have a beer with us.

No, it's nice to

hang out in here.

We never really

do as much as I...

JENNY: So do it.

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

I'll have a beer with you guys.

I think she's so pretty.

She's so...

I'm gonna m*rder you.

I think she's so pretty.

Yeah, she is.

In that way where it's like,

"I didn't have time to take a shower.

"I didn't have time to do anything.

I'm just momming it up."

And she's so pretty.

Yeah, she's great.

Cheers!

Cheers. Cheers.

It's nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you, too.

Heard a lot about you.

What's your job?

I'm... I stay at

home with Jude.

I'm a stay-at-home

mom, I guess.

That's so nice.

But you're...

She's a novelist. She's a writer.

Are you?

She's... She wrote, like...

She wrote this book that's

so beautiful that I read

and I don't understand

exactly what it means,

just 'cause I'm too stupid to get it,

because it's that...

Jenny.

It's so good.

You know those books where you're like,

"This is so good,"

but, I mean,

you can't... Yeah.

But it's completely going...

And smart people are like...

That's not how

you're supposed to feel.

So are you

writing another novel?

Yeah. Yes.

The plan is that I'm writing.

I'm in the process of it.

It's taking a while,

and I'm busy.

Is it hard to

find time to write?

Yeah. It's really hard.

You know,

I feel like I just started a different job.

I have a new job now.

It's a very complicated

issue to talk about.

If you don't have kids...

You know, before we had a kid,

I sort of had this idea that we would,

you know, both be working.

I didn't understand

completely that

it was like, every

moment of every day

is kind of that's

what you're doing.

Taken up.

Yeah, you're just

sort of thinking...

JENNY: But then the baby...

about him and working and...

Jeff can take care of the baby.

He's a grown-up,

kind of. Like...

He makes money is the thing.

I don't make money

when I'm working.

But maybe you haven't

given it enough time.

You have...

Maybe yours requires a little

more of an investment

at the beginning

and you could be making more

money than him in the end.

Yeah, you're like a band where

your first album is cool

and people are always like,

"If you listen to

the first album..."

But then, your next book,

you could be...

You could, you know,

you could be like the Arcade Fire.

It's a lot of pressure.

You could be like...

Make a lot of money.

That's a lot of pressure.

And then people would be like,

"Her first book

was amazing."

And then the cool,

smart people would talk about that book.

But everybody would

read the next one.

I just feel like if I

was in that situation,

I would start to resent

my husband and feel like,

"Why the f*ck am I holding this

baby all day long when you..."

I mean, it's not like

he makes that much money.

I'm not not a feminist.

I feel misrepresented slightly.

I did not...

I've read, f*cking, like, Andrea Dworkin.

You know what I mean?

I had a concept of

what my life would be like.

You're holding the fort down.

There's nobody here that doesn't

think you're a feminist.

No one's judging you.

I'm not complaining.

I'm not complaining

about being with my child.

I'm just trying to create a world

in which you can have it all.

You make me feel like a child and

you're like a woman. That's like...

Having it all is a very dangerous concept,

I feel,

because that just means that

I have to do everything.

Yeah, which...

That's deep.

It's the truth.

I mean, you know,

that's just how the world works.

And I want...

I'm not complaining.

I love Jude so much

and I, you know...

No one thinks you

don't love your baby.

As soon as he

came out of my body,

the moment I saw him,

I was like,

"I want to do everything I can to

make your life as great as possible."

I do feel a little bit resentful,

'cause he's like,

"I had this meeting

and I had this lunch

"with all these

fancy business people

"and the lunch went really long,

and everyone was drinking.

"So then I had to stay."

And I'm like, "That sounds like it sucks,"

and I'm wearing my f*cking

pajama top still that I didn't

get to take off.

Can I say I like you

when you are a little tipsy?

Like, so much.

Is she tipsy?

I can't tell.

It's like half a beer.

That's all it takes these days.

I wish I could wear

my pajama top to work.

I'm gonna wear my

pajama top to work.

It's a tragedy to me

that my husband comes home from

being around sexy,

independent women.

Not that it's about that,

but I feel like...

It's not fun to

be in a pajama top

that has baby food all over it.

But the point of that is

that he comes home sometimes

and he's like,

"I miss the baby and I miss being at..."

He misses it, too.

We both... Nothing's perfect.

So maybe... So maybe that's what he wants.

Right.

That's life.

I think you're so pretty.

I feel like you're a lot prettier

than you feel like you are.

That's nice.

I do.

That's a nice thing to say

to a tired old lady.

I think she is.

A drunk old lady.

Boo!

I think she's so pretty.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Um...

I kind of want to

ask you for something.

(CHUCKLES)

Just come right out and say it?

What?

A Christmas present.

Oh, my God.

I know.

We said we weren't getting

each other Chris...

You said we weren't getting

each other Christmas presents.

Yes, 'cause we are very poor.

Good grief.

We don't have any money.

What do you want?

Diamonds.

A string of them.

No.

No.

The thing that I want...

I would like to be able

to do some writing.

Okay.

To be able to go somewhere.

Okay.

By myself.

Like I'm going to a job.

Yeah.

I think it would help me.

Okay.

This is what you want from me

for your Christmas present?

Yeah.

And to have somebody

take care of Jude.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(BARKS)

Quiet. No, no. Hey!

Hey, puppy. Hey, puppy.

Hi.

Hey.

Mister Pants.

Hey, Mister Pants.

Mister Pants? Awesome.

Mister Pants.

Hey, Mister Pants.

CARSON: How's your night?

Fine.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I'll get you that stuff.

Okay.

Do you want anything to drink?

Sure.

We got...

Do you have whiskey?

Yeah!

Okay. I'm not picky.

Just whatever.

I'll get you one whiskey coming up.

Here's this first.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Thank you so much.

How... What do I owe you?

How much is it?

Nothing.

It's a little

"Welcome to Chicago" gift.

Just a taste to get me hooked.

Just a taste to get you hooked.

Keep me coming back.

You want ice?

One is fine.

Okay.

Thank you.

You are very welcome.

There you are.

Hey, buddy.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Do you wanna smoke some?

I don't know anything about...

What?

...etiquette.

I don't buy a ton of weed,

so I don't know.

Do we smoke some?

We smoke some.

I've heard that's a thing.

And we can smoke some of mine.

Especially since you...

I'm just totally

ripping you off now.

No. No, that is a gift.

You are in my town.

It's a gift.

(MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO)

I love this song.

So be forewarned.

My guy said this

is kind of strong.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

Super strong.

Okay.

Really, really, really strong.

Okay.

Stronger than that.

Is that just stuff

that you guys make up?

No.

That your guy makes up?

No, this is,

it's been tested. Trust me.

Here you are.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

I feel so f*cked up already.

Really? It's instant.

What's this stuff?

These are my little toys.

I'm in a little band.

Are they vintage?

Well, this is.

Or do they just make

them in the style of...

No, this is actually kind of old.

It's cool.

This is really old.

Is that a hobby or you make...

No, it's my thing.

I mean, I'm... You're living the dream.

I'm trying.

And babysitting by living the dream.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Sorry.

No worries.

I'm in a little band.

We make noise.

I'm serious.

We make... It's noise music.

That's funny to you?

That's really charming.

I feel like that's something you've

said to other people before.

No.

That's the first time I've

ever said that in my life.

Well, that's also not true.

(CHUCKLES) It is.

It's totally true.

My band's called Stanley.

Called what?

Stanley.

What does that mean?

That's his real name.

Mister Stanley.

I call him Mister Pants,

'cause the band

was named Stanley

after Mister Stanley.

What was Mister

Stanley named after?

Mister Stanley was named

after my favorite uncle.

And I'm lying.

I don't know.

Sorry. Just a second.

No, you're good,

you're good, you're good.

You're totally great.

You're totally awesome.

I just...

Sorry. No, no, no.

No, no, no. No. No.

You're awesome.

I'm just realizing...

It's late.

It's late.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, and I don't want to...

I'm coming over, getting drugs.

What?

It's not what I, just... Sorry.

No, I just was like, okay.

This is gonna... We're gonna hang out.

It's gonna be awesome.

But...

Right. I get it.

Tonight I'm just gonna call...

Totally.

I'm on your coat.

Quit while I'm ahead.

Yeah.

Mister Pants is here.

Yeah.

Mister Pants would disapprove.

Yeah. Totally.

I feel like he doesn't...

He wants me to

do my momma proud.

And so I'm just gonna...

call you.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm being a jerk...

No. You're not.

You're not being

a jerk at all. At all.

I totally...

This has been super fun.

Good, I...

The kissing was top notch.

Thank you. You as well.

And...

This is great. So...

Okay.

Okay.

Top notch all around.

All right.

Okay. I'm gonna call you.

Okay. I hope you do.

I don't wanna make you feel...

You're fine.

I'm so fine.

You don't have to worry about me.

Sorry, I'm really high.

I'm just, you know,

weird with new

spaces and stuff, so...

It's okay. I get it.

I totally get it.

This was all great.

Awesome.

Okay.

Okay.

Right.

Okay.

Well, get home safe.

I will.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Hey, buddy.

Hello?

Mmm!

It's so good.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Mmm! You want another bite?

Hey, sweetie.

I'm calling because

I left my power cable.

I know, like an idiot.

I feel so bad.

Would you mind just bringing it,

dropping it off for me?

I'm not even dressed or

showered or anything.

So it'll probably be an

hour before I can bring...

Hold on. Hey, Jenny?

Hold on a sec.

What's up?

Hey, what are you up to today?

Nothing.

Hello.

Hello! Hi!

Hey. This is for you.

Thank you.

That's so... Thank you.

Nice to...

This is nice!

This is cool! Thanks.

Pretty sweet.

It's good, right?

Yeah.

Thank you for...

Look at that view, bro.

Wait, so this is

Jeff's normally or...

No, I mean, I'm using it.

They rented it for the movie.

But they're not using it

for a couple of weeks,

but the rent's paid

from the production.

Okay.

So he's being

really nice and saying,

"You can go in there

and do your writing."

I had three of your

brownies, by the way.

Good.

I hope that's okay.

Yes.

They're really good.

I'm kind of on a sugar high.

I may crash in a little bit, but...

Okay. This is gonna sound really stupid,

but just go with me, okay?

So I was thinking about your

situation and... This is so stupid.

Basically, your problem is just,

right now,

could be solved by a chunk of money, right?

If I...

I know that's stupid,

'cause a lot of

people's problems

could be solved

with a chunk of money.

But, specifically, you know,

if you had a little bit of money

and you could just pay

for some child care,

then you would have time...

It would be amazing.

A chunk of money would be...

So, okay.

Have you read those sexy novels?

You know?

Like, the trashy...

Sexy mom novels.

Sexy mom novels?

Sexy novels for mom and for me.

I know what you mean.

I have not. Okay.

I have read them and I

look at them and I'm like,

"This is...

I could write one of these,"

but I don't actually

think that I could

because I don't know

how to write books.

But you do.

You're super super smart.

Thank you.

You could write one of

these in an afternoon.

I don't think I could.

I'm not trying to just weasel

my way into this plan,

but I could... What is the plan?

What's the plan?

No, okay.

I could tell you the b*llet points.

Are you saying this?

Just sit down for a couple of days,

write an erotic novel,

sell it for a gazillion dollars,

and all my problems are solved?

Yes.

Kind of.

Five or six things to bring up.

It's not that I

don't think I could...

Even with your expertise,

it's very difficult to make a

lot of money selling a book.

It's not like I would write it

and someone would just be like,

"Here's my millions for you."

It's like,

your stuff is so beautiful.

And then if there was, you know,

if there was sex in it,

I would be so excited.

I would buy five copies

and give them to my friends

or plan to give them to my friends

and then keep them for myself,

because it would be

my favorite book ever.

Oh, my God. You are really cute.

This is a great idea.

So there is someone

who's living here right now.

And so you'll have to forgive me.

It's a little messy.

I did ask her to clean it up.

That's okay.

But she'll be out

by the end of the month,

so it'll be

available on the first.

Yeah. I'm not...

So the bathroom's right there.

It's not a tub,

but it's a pretty big shower.

No, it's big.

It's really nice.

And kitchen area right here.

There's a little

bit of counter space

and this current

tenant purchased this.

So you could do something similar

to add a little bit more.

And in this room...

It's sort of like the living area.

So there's

a living room-ish area

right here and then the bedroom.

And there's a real wood-burning stove,

too.

I'm not sure if I mentioned

that on the phone.

So it's $785 a month.

JENNY: Great.

That includes utilities.

So cable, gas, electric.

But I did just want

to make it clear that

it's really just

set up for one person.

We don't really

feel comfortable with

a couple living here.

I didn't know if...

No, he's just here

for moral support.

Okay.

I don't really know

the area, so he's my...

Tour guide. Yeah.

My realtor.

Great, okay.

Well I'm sure you can

agree that the

area's really great.

No, she hated me.

I hope I didn't ruin that.

No, I mean, I don't...

I get the sense

she didn't like me

or the previous

tenant that much either.

Yeah.

I don't know.

She was a little weird.

And she does live right there.

I know. But other than that,

it's exactly what I need.

Yeah.

I don't know if you're

doing anything right now.

I could... I feel like I owe

you a meal or something for my

"Welcome to Chicago" present.

That sounds good.

I'm not doing anything.

Yeah? Okay.

Like he wants to be together.

He wants to stay together.

How do you know he's in

love with somebody else?

I don't know.

You just feel it?

Yeah. It's...

'Cause that's the thing is...

There is stupid stuff,

like any time that I...

Okay, sorry, but any time I

looked at his Internet history,

he's constantly on

her Facebook page.

So they meet for one second.

You know,

when they're little kids,

and it's like that

Braveheart thing where,

he gives her a token or something,

I mean, like a flower,

but not a flower,

'cause that's...

What if the flower or the thing,

the token, whatever it is,

what if she gives it to him?

And so he goes

and proposes, right?

But, not in disguise,

actually as a prince.

Yeah, she would have... What could she do?

I like that.

'Cause the trick is if you

just keep talking about

how he makes her feel,

how his presence

makes her feel and

his touch makes her feel,

then you can get away with them

not really doing much

for a really long time.

They wouldn't even need to have

sex until the second book.

Is Harry a little

bit attractive?

No...

Could he be the rough one?

He could be

the bondage-y one.

Oh.

So she kinda likes that.

You're... This is

what I mean, you're...

But then do we have to

introduce other characters

to keep all the sex stuff going?

Yes, there has to

be other characters

and people are

having sex all over

the place in

the woodsy revolution.

Okay.

There's all kinds of sex.

Okay.

Orgies.

(LAUGHS)

JEFF: Hey, Jenny.

Hey!

Hey, can I come in

to grab a DVD?

Just a second.

Sorry. I don't mean to disturb you.

I just have all the...

All my movies are over here.

You... Nothing going on.

Nothing going on.

Wow.

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Yes, you were.

Sorry.

There should be plenty left if you just...

What is happening?

(LAUGHS)

All right. Give it.

Come on. Do it.

Give it here.

Do you need me to do it?

Let me. Let me try.

I mean, it's not like

I've never done it. Come on.

If you freak out on me,

I'm gonna be really mad.

Well, that's on you.

You're fine.

Yeah. You're fine.

Keep pulling.

To how much? sh*t.

Oh! God damn it.

Ow!

I feel like I'm

sinking through this bed.

Is that typical now?

You're fine. You're fine.

Was that laced with other drugs?

Isn't that what they do?

No.

They just, what is it,

angel dust that they

sprinkle on it?

No. They don't. They don't.

(SIGHS)

I'm kinda jealous you get

to live in my basement.

This basement's f*cking awesome.

You should live

in your basement.

I know.

What's it like down here?

Are you living...

Is it cave life down here?

This music's really good, by the way.

I know.

I actually think that this is

the best song I've ever heard.

I feel like time is

going really slow.

Where did you find this song?

You gotta give me this song.

It's blowing my mind.

Okay. Okay.

What are you looking at?

I'm looking for men's gifts.

There's a thing, like...

Spoiler alert. Is that

my Christmas present?

No.

I'm gonna get you socks,

'cause you need socks.

Have you seen

the holes in my socks?

Do you want

a hardwood shaving kit?

No.

Do you want an ironically

ugly Christmas sweater?

Possibly.

You can wear it to parties.

They have those.

Ugly Christmas sweater parties.

Yeah, I heard about those.

How do you feel?

I mean, I've never been to one.

Do you feel okay?

No, I mean how do you feel?

High-wise? Best I've

ever felt in my life.

I'm literally on top

of the world right now.

Hi. Hi, what's happening?

What's happening here?

What was going on in the basement?

Naughty things?

It's so nice.

You taste like sticks.

What about just c*ck and p*ssy?

Does p*ssy make sense?

I think if c*ck makes sense,

p*ssy makes sense.

I don't love p*ssy.

What would you call...

It's funny. I was talking to my sister,

and I was asking her what...

She was like, "I hate the word p*ssy,"

and I was like,

"Well, what do you and your

girlfriends say if you're having sex?"

Yeah.

She was like, "vag*na."

Really?

They'd be like,

"I want to touch your vag*na."

Touch...

Touch my vag*na.

It's pretty easy to just work around...

Right.

It's sharp pain that quickly turns

into pleasure or whatever it is.

JENNY: No, no.

I'd want throbbing pleasure.

JENNY: No, I can't

get behind that.

Exactly.

No, I'm... I'm standing...

I'm putting my foot

down and saying...

Maybe in this dream, I just...

No, no,

I'm not saying it should...

I think in this dream...

hurt her for half an hour.

I'm just saying...

I think he should just kiss

her and start to put his hand

in her whatever medieval

underpants she has,

and then cut out.

Yeah, that seems good.

Of this dream.

Yeah.

Sure.

She wakes up just when he's

about to touch her on her...

How do we,

what do we call the thing that...

Rosebud or whatever

horrible thing.

That's an as*h*le.

A rosebud is an as*h*le.

I didn't know that.

Yeah.

Yeah. That's a thing.

I didn't know that.

I don't have an as*h*le

so I don't ever have to worry

about coming up with names for it.

I didn't know that

and I don't like that.

I mean, I think you should just

write it like super Danielle Steel.

I feel like you don't have

to try to be really creative

'cause the audience who wants

to read a book like this

doesn't really care if you're

doing linguistic acrobatics.

They just care if you're

getting from A to B.

I mean,

I literally, just what do

we call her cl*t

that's not a cl*t?

'Cause I feel like

you can't say cl*t.

"The most sensitive point."

That's so good.

And then for p*nis,

we can just say "him" right,

and for vag*na, we can just say "her."

Yeah.

"He puts himself inside her,"

and that kind of thing.

Yeah, totally.

That seems like an easy way.

JENNY: I mean,

we're gonna have to mix it up a little bit.

She puts herself inside him.

That's mixing it up?

Yeah.

It went from zero to five.

Okay. All right.

So, you know,

the five is the score to beat.

It's all right.

All right.

Yeah. And you can

keep those ones or not.

I'm gonna reroll.

Okay.

'Cause I'm going for threes.

Okay.

Look at that.

Yeah.

I'm going for all.

Are you serious?

Holy sh*t.

That was a one!

You could have just beat me!

Are you serious?

Boom! I... That's...

My mind is exploding right now.

Nice.

Yeah. I just wanted to get

definitive proof that this happened.

Pretty beautiful.

Yeah. Damn.

Pretty damn spectacular.

Awesome. Thank you.

You're very welcome.

There's this, too.

Merry Christmas.

That is awesome.

I didn't get you anything.

It's okay.

Sorry. I didn't...

'Tis better to

give than to receive.

I didn't want to...

I don't know what the threshold is for...

Sorry.

This is... Thank you.

You're welcome.

It's really cool.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Good.

I'm excited.

And it's in a paper bag.

Yes.

That's awesome.

You're... You like it?

I figured you'd

been writing so much,

so it's a good

little place to keep it.

You got a me-specific...

You put thought into it.

It's a very fancy pen.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Come here. Come here.

What?

Just grab it. Just grab it.

Just hold it. Sorry.

Yeah, like that.

Just hold it still. Just...

Like what?

Just hold it still.

You don't need to...

Move it? I'm sorry.

Move it.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

Harder.

Sorry, it's a little

too hard. Sorry.

That's fine. No, no.

It's a stupid thing.

It's a stupid thing I like.

Just, try.

Okay.

I just wanted to see if...

Just an experiment.

Just an experiment.

Now we learned that that's not my thing.

That's totally fine.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

We can practice.

I'll do it better.

You practiced on somebody else?

No. I practiced on Stanley.

On Mister Pants.

I said, "Come here, Mister Pants.

And let me pull your hair."

Thank you.

I thought we'd be done.

Is that stupid?

With the book?

Yeah, with the book.

It's stupid.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Ten days?

I don't know.

I mean, yesterday I realized,

it probably wasn't gonna happen.

Yesterday?

Yes.

Yesterday you were like,

"You know what?

I think we have a good 200 pages left.

"I don't think we're gonna

get it done in 12 hours."

I didn't know.

Jenny. You're so cute.

You're so excited. I love it.

I thought we were

gonna cram. I don't know.

Your crazy excitement,

where you think

we're gonna finish

a book in 10 days,

has been

something that's really...

It's given me a lot of vitality

that I didn't have before.

I wasn't feeling

excited about writing.

I feel excited about

this 'cause it's fun.

I feel excited

about my other book.

Thank you.

You made me feel stuff, too.

(CHUCKLES)

I'll take it.

But I can't...

I'm gonna just...

I mean it,

but I'm gonna be

looking at my phone

instead of you

while I'm saying it,

and using this voice, like, a robot voice.

But I mean it.

I think,

you know that I mean it,

but I can't...

I feel lots of things.

This is as emotional

as I've ever seen you.

It's a little shiny.

What's happening?

No, it's not. I'm fine.

Jenny.

God, don't.

I really like you.

I like you, too.

I really like

hanging out with you.

Yeah, I liked hanging out with you,

whatever.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey. Hi.

How's it going?

Good, how are you doing?

Good. Just trying to get the last

of this Santa stuff wrapped.

It looks so cute.

Yeah? It looks all right?

Yeah.

It looks great.

Good.

Look at this.

It's very simple and pretty.

Look, I want to tell you that,

even though your Christmas

present is officially finished,

I'm really into the idea of

giving you more time to write.

So let's figure out a way that

that can become a more regular

part of your schedule, okay?

Thank you.

That's really sweet.

I love you.

I love you. I appreciate it a lot.

Like, a lot, a lot.

It's really sweet.

Give me your hand.

It's so cold.

I'm gonna take you home.

You're gonna take me home?

Yeah.

I can't.

Go home? With me?

No, I gotta go...

I mean,

I want to, but I gotta go

to my mom's for

Christmas tomorrow,

so I gotta go

home and go to sleep.

Well, go tomorrow.

I need my beauty sleep.

I want to f*ck you.

Come on.

Don't say that!

I want to, too,

but I really gotta go home.

I know.

I can't.

I really can't. I'm sorry!

Are you kidding?

You're an idiot.

You're like... It's unbelievable, actually.

Jenny!

Jenny!

(ALARM BEEPING LOUDLY)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Get up. Hey, get up.

I'm up. I'm up.

Will you go in Jude's room?

Jenny!

He's okay. He's okay.

Okay, it's okay.

What the f*ck is this?

Oh, my God.

Jenny!

Can you f*cking wake up, please?

Jenny! Wake the f*ck up!

Okay. Your f*cking

sister is wasted.

JEFF: There's a baby

asleep in this house!

Do you know what it's like to wake

up in the middle of the night...

My whole f*cking life is in this house.

Do you know that?

Do you know what it feels like to

wake up in the middle of the night

and think that it

might be on fire?

And that my baby

might not be okay?

Dude, I burned food by accident.

It's smoke. It's fine.

It will go away.

f*ck you. Go. I don't want your help.

f*cking go back to sleep.

Why don't you go

pass out in the basement?

You f*cking selfish as*h*le.

Hi.

Hi. Go get

that child, please.

You go get that child.

Should we both get him?

Sure.

Oh!

JUDE: Wow!

Wow!

Wow! A bike!

Look! And a big dolphin!

Yes.

And a present!

You can open that.

Wow!

Yeah! You want

to open this here?

What did you get, Jude?

Dada did a really nice job.

Look at this.

Wow.

She's not coming up, huh?

What's that?

She's not coming up?

I guess not.

I mean, she'll be up at some point, but...

Okay, last lollipop, okay?

Yeah, the last one.

Should I go wake her up?

Is that rude?

I mean, it's not rude.

She has presents, it's like,

you know...

I'm gonna go see.

I'm gonna go just check.

See what's going on.

Your Aunt Jenny's

in trouble, Jude.

You know that?

Can you say trouble?

Trouble.

Trouble, yeah.

She's in trouble.

Jenny?

WOMAN: ...Leonard

Bernstein last year.

MAN: You know, I must have

seen Leonard Bernstein

maybe 200, 300 times.

WOMAN: Oh! Well, listen,

if you're ever out around Minneapolis,

you be sure and go and see it.

You'll just love it, I know.

MAN: Well, as a matter of fact,

I may be heading in that direction

in the very, very near future.

I can't believe

she didn't come back.

It's really shitty.

She'll be back.

She burned the house down...

Almost.

And then she didn't even

stick around to

apologize or see if...

I know. I know. It's the behavior

of an incredibly immature person.

I'm sure she's very embarrassed.

She can't deal with

the embarrassment.

She's 27.

She doesn't want to face up to the apology,

so...

At a certain point, you know...

Trevor's 27.

He didn't act like

this when he was here.

He was like an angel.

I love him.

My family's better than your family.

And they're really far away.

I love you very much.

I love your brother very much.

I love your sister very much.

I mean, I'm just awful.

I know you do.

I'm sorry that you're worried. She's fine.

I love you very much.

I love you, too.

Well, well.

I was hiding.

Yeah.

I felt like you

would be hiding here.

I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry that

I freaked out so much.

I just got scared.

I know.

We really love you.

Do you want to come home

and open presents?

Mmm-hmm.

That would be good.

JENNY: But I've heard horny...

KELLY: I don't like it.

JENNY: I've heard horny also used as...

Somebody told me I was horny.

And, but they meant

that I made them horny.

Which I was like, "That's not...

"You can't use

that word like that."

CARSON: They were like,

"You're horny?"

JENNY: They were like, "Yeah,

no, people say that, too."

KELLY: No, they're...

JENNY: They say,

"You're horny,"

but he didn't just mean,

"You seem super slutty to me."

He was like, trying to say...

CARSON: I'm angry

just from hearing that.

Like, I'm repulsed and angry.

KELLY: It's really a gross

thing to say to somebody,

and it's also misusing the word.

CARSON: Yeah, well, the word shouldn't

be used, so don't say "horny" again.

KELLY: Don't ever.

CARSON: So then you won't...

So you're looking for sort of a scene

that lets us know that she's

sexually interested in him?

JENNY: Right, but the scene has to start...

It has to start...

It starts,

the chapter starts with,

we don't know she's

dreaming and he...

So it just seems

like things have

suddenly moved

very quickly, and...

KELLY: Yeah.

JENNY: He's in her room at night

and things are happening and

for a little... It feels like

something's definitely different.

This...

It feels really abrupt.

KELLY: Yeah.

JENNY: But...

Okay, so I'm gonna lay out what

I think the scenario

should probably be.

The sex scenario?

Yeah. Don't ask me

a ton of questions about it,

'cause I'm gonna

feel embarrassed.

But I'll just say probably,

what I'd imagine the people want

is she's in her bed,

maybe asleep on her

stomach or something.

He comes in, is touching her.

She's like, "Is it him?

Is it not him?"

Okay.

She's all confused

and worked up.

She thinks it's him,

but she doesn't know

if maybe it's some weird intruder

and she should stop him.

Then she turns over,

it's him. She's so excited.

They do it.

Whatever. She wakes up.

Yeah.

That was efficient.

CARSON: What's her name?

JENNY: Marion.

These are kind of placeholder names.

It's not gonna be

Harry and William.

It's just easier

to keep track of.

KELLY: Yeah.

Got it.

Okay, if we're not...

If we're not

getting all women studies,

then can I just say,

if she gasps and we're not

running away from the idea that

maybe this is an intruder and

it's gonna all turn

out to be sexy anyway,

then he puts his hand over her mouth,

'cause I like that.

And so it's...

If we're not running away from it,

then let's run

head-on into the

"maybe this is

not a great thing,"

but then it turns

out to be a great thing.

And then turns out

to be a dream anyway.

Yeah.

I think that's great,

'cause she... 'Cause then there's

that moment where she's like,

"It's an intruder."

She won't say that.

(MIMICKING)

"It's an intruder. No."

JENNY: You should

read the audio book.

"No. I'm so scared.

It's an intruder!"

CARSON: Yeah, she should.

One time I was having sex with someone,

I was about to

have sex with someone,

he left the room and I was

kind of on my stomach,

and I didn't hear

him for a little while,

and I was like,

"He could come back

"and stab me in

the back of the head."

It just occurred to me.

I was like, "I don't know him that well."

Gross. Aren't these

situations in which

people get m*rder*d?

Someone leaves the room to get a condom

and comes back and shoots them?

That's a very paranoid thought.

I was fine,

but by the skin of my teeth.

He came back.

JENNY: Not really.

Not really by the skin

of your teeth.

You were just fine.

Yeah. Nope.

Almost died.

Yeah, I almost died.

That's a near-death experience.

I had one.

You've gone through some stuff.

I had one.

CARSON: You smell so good.

We should say that

he smells so good.

He smells like

earth and whiskey.

That's nice.

Doesn't that sound nice?

But he's supposed

to be responsible.

JENNY: Or, well, wait,

'cause she's a virgin. So, like...

KELLY: Yeah.

Is it... Do we want

to be too flowery

about saying it the first time?

Is there, like...

Is this gonna be...

Is it, is it just like... Is she...

Is she gonna dream

that they fully do it?

No. No.

I think she should wake up

before they have intercourse.

I think that she

should wake up...

But I'm saying that when they

have intercourse, she's a virgin,

so are we even getting

to that in this book?