Tis the Season (2015)

[bunniefuu]

Kris: Alright Pengrove.

Kris: It's crunch time.

Kris: The holiday seasons are coming up fast.

Kris: Faster than an elf on Adoral.

(Laughter)

Pengrove: So true.

Kris: Can you imagine?

Kris: So

Kris: I'm not technically retired.

Kris: But I still get dozens of letters from kids.

Kris: Asking for gifts.

Kris: Oh, no, but what's on the agenda today?

Pengrove: The schedule is free today boss.

Kris: Any um...

Kris: Any mail come in for me today... or?

Pengrove: No.

Pengrove: No Mail.

Kris: What about Nutcraker? Any Mail?

Kris: (High Pitched) No Mail.

(Laughter)

(Hysteric Laughter)

Kris: (High Pitched sounds)

(Hysteric Laughter Continues)

(Hysteric Laughter Still Continues)

(Awkward silence with sigh)

Kris: You sure there's nothing n the schedule for me today?

Pengrove: Well, you could work on the list.

Kris: (to himself) The list.

Kris: The list is my top priority throughout the year.

Kris: Without it, I wouldn't know who's been naughty or who's been nice.

Kris: I mean, you'd have good kids getting coal. Bad kids getting presents.

Kris: Come christmas time, it would be utter chaos.

Kris: (Excited) Let's work on the list.

Kris:( Laughing) Okay.

Pengrove: (Let's do it)

Kris: Alright, alright.

Kris: Uhh..

Kris: Okay, well... Where.. Where is the list?

(Music Jingle)

(Music Jingle)

Kelly: Yeah we're releasing the new cookie just in time for Christmas.

Kris: Kelly?

Kelly to phone: I need you to get the order together ASAP.

Kris: (Whisper) Kelly?

Kris:(Whisper) Just...

Kris: My wife Kelly runs a really successful business.

Kris: Mrs: Kringle's Cookies.

Kris: So she's really busy most of the time.

Kris: I mean she doesn't deliver toys to every single child in the entire world in one night, but yeah, her cookies are really good.

Kelly: You need to get it together okay?

Kelly: Huh, whats up?

Kris: Hey, uhh... Have you seen the list?

Kelly: I'm sorry, what list?

Kris: The list honey.

Kris: You know, the list that I make and check twice.

Kris: So I can see whose been naughty or nice.

Kelly: Yeah, wow, are you still doing that?

Kris: Yes, I'm still doing that.

Kris: How else would the kids get their presents?

Kelly: I don't know. Internet?

Kris: (Sigh)

Kelly: Oh, um, cookie?

Kris: Kelly, the list is missing.

Kris: This is no time for cookies!

Kris: Alright, I guess a few wouldn't hurt.

Kelly: Anytime is a good time for cookies.

Kris: What's with all the decorations pal?

Nick: I'm just getting ready for the holiday season.

Kris: You got the played looking like a haunted mansion.

Kris: (murmur)

Nick: I know.

Kris: Uh, uh, cookie?

Nick: Are they gluten free?

Kris: My son's in college now.

Kris: He's going to take over for me once he graduates.

Kris: We are really proud of him.

Kris: Have you, have you seen my list?

Nick: Hey, look at that. I gotta go.

Kris: Where you going pal?

Kris: Out.

Kris:(sigh)

Kris: Hey Candycane.

Kelly: Hmm.

Kelly: Yeah sugar plum.

Kris: Do you think Nick hates me?

Kelly: What? No.

Kelly: No, of course not.

Kris: Because I think he put up those Halloween decorations just to spite me.

Kelly: He's in college.

Kelly: You know, he's just trying to be his own man.

Kelly: I think this Halloween thing is just a phase.

Kris: You're probably right.

Kris: Oh. What am I going to do about the list?

Kris: Christmas is ruined.

Kris: You think Somebody stole it?

Kelly: You Just misplaced it.

(Shattering Sound)

Kris: (Whisper) Did you hear that?

Kelly: It's just Nick, go back to bed.

Kris: What if it's the thief that stole the list?

Kris: And they're back to steal your cookie recipes.

Kris: I'm about to go waffling on someone's a*s!

Kris: Hmm.

Kris: Nick

Kris: Is that you?

Kris: Pengrove?

Kris: Jeff.

Kris: What are you doing here?

Jeff: (Mumbling and Slurring) I got kicked out of my apartment.

Kris: (Sigh)

Jeff: Can I stay here for a while?

Kris: I.. you know.

Jeff: I got no place to go bro.

Kris: (Sigh)

Kris: First I lose the list.

Kris: Now I got my brother to deal with.

Kris:This is the last thing I need.

Jeff: (throwing up)

Kris: Oh. Oh.

Kris: Oh. Oh. Oh come on. Oh

(Sound of video game lazers)

Jeff: Bro you look really stupid in this.

Jeff: Snow globe.

Kris: The spirit of Jack Frost is trapped in that snow globe. I'd be careful with that, if I were you.

Jeff: I can feel it in my Bones.

(More lazers)

Jeff: So hey listen, I got this burning sensation when I piss.

Kris: Look I'm really busy here Jeff.

(Video game expl*si*n)

Kris: I'm really busy okay.

Nick: Hey dad.

Nick: Could Rachel come for dinner tonight?

Kris: Ask your mother.

Jeff: Ooh lala. Who's Rachel.

Nick: My girlfriend.

Jeff: I almost married the girl I was dating in college.

Kris: Jeff, don't. No.

Kris: Come on. you didn't even go to college.

Jeff: I was a janitor at one.

Jeff: Kris think he's so important.

Jeff: I mean...

Jeff: So what. He's Santa Clause.

Jeff: He never brings me any gifts.

Jeff: h*. h*. h*.

Jeff: Psf. Horseshit.

Jeff: It smells like ham and cookie farts in here.

Kris: Well it certainly is very nice to finally meet you Rachel.

Nick: Dad she's been here like a dozen times. We've been dating for like three months.

Kris: Oh uh..

Kris: I thought that was a different girl. Who was the other girl you were dating?

Kris: She was so, so pretty.

Kris: She was so...

Kris: No, no. Rachel is very pretty, I wasn't saying that.

(Awkward Silence)

Kris: The food is very, very good honey. It's delicious.

Kelly: Thank you.

Jeff: It's a bit Bland for my taste.

Kelly to Jeff: We're just so happy that you're here. Jeff.

Jeff: Me too.

Jeff: Thanks.

Kelly: Uh, so how was school Rachel?

Rachel: Good, I'm done with my pre-med classes this semester.

Jeff: Beauty and brains.

Nick: Rachel is going to be a doctor.

Jeff to Rachel: Hey listen, I get this burning sensation when I -

(Sound of kick under table)

Kris: Hey!

Kelly: Your parents must be very proud.

Rachel: Yeah my mom's a doctor, so I'm kind of following in her footsteps.

Kris: Oh well that is very, very interesting.

Kris: Did Nick happen to mention what I do for a living?

Rachel: No he didn't.

Rachel: What do you do?

Kris: Well I'm a bit of a celebrity. I'm known by several names.

Kris: Old Saint Nick. The brits call me Father Christmas.

(Kris laughing)

Kris: I've been told I resemble a bowl full of jelly when I laugh. Look at this.

Kris: h*. h*. here get a closer look. Look.

(Kris laughs)

(Kris laughs)

Kris: Right?

Kris: A bowl full of Jelly.

(Kris continues shaking belly)

(Kris clears throat)

Kris: Im Santa Clause

Rachel: Oh

Rachel: I don't really celebrate Christmas. I'm Jewish.

(Jeff laughing)

Nick: That's right dad.

Nick: Rachel's Jewish.

Kelly: So does that mean you celebrate. Hu.. Hannukka?

Kris: Where do you get your gifts?

Nick: Who cares where they get their gifts.

Kris: No but where do the Jews get there presents?

Nick: You know I don't care that she doesn't celebrate Christmas.

Nick: I think it's a terrible holiday glazed with consumerism masked as family tradition.

Nick: Kind of like this grotesque ham.

Kelly:Uh.

Kris: You leave the ham out of this.

Kris: And who are you to talk, you look like a long lost illegitimate child of Marylin Manson.

Kris: Hah.

Kris: Hey Kelly.

Kelly: Did you have sex with Marilyn Manson. Did you?

Kris: It looks like you did.

Kelly: Well, right now I wish I had.

Nick: You leave mom, Marilyn and the rest of the beautiful people out of it.

Nick: And you know what?

Nick: I think Christmas is the worst Holiday there is.

(Silence)

Kris: you.

Kris: You stole the list!

Kelly: Kris!

Kris: Admit it!

Nick: What list?

Kelly: Kris, you are way out of line right now.

Kris: (Whiny) He's trying to sabotage Christmas, Kelly.

Nick: This is bullshit.

Nick: I'm out of here. Rachel let's go.

Kelly: Wait, Nick, no. Honey.

Kris: Oh. Oh. Where you going? You going to your real dad?

Kris: Huh?

Nick: I wish Marylin was my real father.

Kris: Oh Fine, ooh yeah. Just walk away huh.

Kelly: Way to go.

Jeff: It was nice to meet you. Rachel.

Kris: Hey, where do you think you're going pal? Huh?

(Kris makes sickly sound.)

Jeff: Bro. You alright? You don't look so hot.

Kris: I'm fine.

Kris: I'm Santa Clause damn it!

(Sickly sounds)

Kelly: Kris!

Kris:Grunting

Pengrove: Boss!

Pengrove: Boss!

Kris: What?What?

Pengrove:Get up.

Kris: What happened?

Kelly: Well, you acted like an a*s and then you passed out.

Jeff: Yeah we thought you kicked the bucket bro.

(Jeff Laughs)

Nick: Alright he's alive.

Nick: Let's go.

(Squeaky floor)

Rachel: If you don't mind me asking, what's your diet consist of?

Kris: Umm... milk and cookies.

Kris: Christmas ham.

Kris: I'm on the go a lot. So I have to eat on the go.

Rachel: I'm only pre-med so you should talk to a doctor but...

Rachel: I think you have diabetes.

(Jeff laughing hysterically)

Jeff: Perfect.

(Video game lazers)

(More video game lazers)

Kris: I lost the list.

Kris: My family hates me.

Kris: And I'm probably gonna die.

Kris: Other than that, I'm fine.

Kris: Other than that, I;m just...

Kris: Great.

Pengrove: (High pitched) Hey boss.

Pengrove: I've got some good news for you.

Pengrove: You're going to bring present to all the children in the world and make them so happy.

Pengrove: Christmas is going to be the best-

Kris: No!

Kris: Pengrove!

Kris: No nut cr*cker!

Kris: The List!

Kris:Where's the list Pengrove.

Pengrove: I've searched the whole house boss.

Pengrove: I can't find it.

Pengrove: There's no list.

Pengrove: You know boss...

Pengrove: I think the people of the world can take care of themselves.

Kris: No.

Pengrove: But you still need to take care of your family.

(Pengrove picks up bells)

(Ringing bells)

Kris: Alright everyone.

Kris: Come on in here.

Kris: Gather around.

Kris: I got something I wanna say.

Kris: You too Jeff, wake up.

Jeff: Hard eight, eight the hard way.

Kris: Alright, I know you all hate my guts right now.

Kris: Okay, I just wanted to apologize for the way I was acting last night at dinner.

Kris: It's just that Christmas isn't what it used to be. And I'm having a hard time dealing with that.

Kris: I mean people have written songs about me.

Kris: Parents would take their kids to the mall to sit on a complete strangers lap...

Kris: dressed up like me, so they could tell them what they would want for Christmas.

(Kris sigh)

Kris: I just, I just really miss that.

Kelly: Well you were acting like a jerk last night.

Kelly: I understand that the last few years have been really hard for you.

Kelly: I mean...

Kelly: We have so much to be grateful for.

Kelly: Everything you've done for us...

Kelly: And you deserve to be happy too.

Kelly: So we forgive you.

Kelly: Right Nick?

Nick: Yeah I forgive you.

Nick: I don't hate Christmas. I just wanna do my own thing you know?

Nick: I don't wanna be Santa.

Kris: If Halloween is your favorite holiday, I totally respect that.

Kris: Alright?

Kris: And if you wanna date a uh..

Kris: A je... a jew..

Kris: What's the word honey?

Kelly: Jewish person.

Kris: A jewish person.

Kris: If you wanna date a jewish person...

Kris: then go for it.

Kris: I think you guys make a great couple.

Rachel: Thanks.

Kris: Well, I know Christmas isn;t for a few months, but I...

Kris: But I went ahead and got you guys a little something anyway.

Kelly: Aw.

Kelly: What did you do?

Kris: Kelly, I know you've been working hard all year so I...

Kris: got you a weekend pass to the Malibu Spa and Resort.

Kelly: Oh honey thank you.

Jeff:(Background) Brown noser!

Kris: And for you two...

Kris: VIP passes to the Marilyn Manson concert this...

Kris: Halloween!

Rachel: No way!

Rachel:Thank you so much.

Nick: I thought these were sold out, how did you get them?

Kris: I'm Santa Clause.

Kris: I have my ways.

Kris: And I outbid a guy on Ebay.

Jeff: What did you get me bro?

Kris: Jeff, you can stay o nthe couch as long as you like buddy.

Jeff: Really?

Jeff: Score.

Jeff: Thanks big brother.

Kris: So I'm not the celebrity I once was.

Kris: My family loves me, and that's what the holidays are all about.

Kris: Family.

Kris: And, and presents.

Kris: Family and Presents.

(Clears throat)