02x22 - A Grave Mistake

[bunniefuu]

[Dixieland music]

- Naomi.
- Yes, ma'am.

Don't you think it
would be a nice idea

if you went out to the cemetery

and visited the man that
gave you your husband?

If I visited everybody
who gave me a husband

I'd spend half my life
tip-toeing through tombstones.

Besides, I like to think

that when a person passes on

they're allowed
to rest in peace.

Vinton!

Ain't you gonna come
see daddy on his birthday?

Mama, daddy is not
really in that cemetery.

He better be. It cost me 1,200
bucks to have him put there.

I mean, I don't believe
that's really daddy.

Maybe it's Abraham Lincoln.
Then I could get Buzz to go.

What do you mean it isn't daddy?

The good book
says, thou art dust

(together) and unto
dust thou shall return.

I just feel, I don't
mean any disrespect.

I just feel that all that's
in that cemetery is dust.

That's all that's over at
the bigger jigger saloon, too

but you spend half
your life over there.

What Vinton means
is that visiting graves

is something your
generation does.

It's just not our... thing.

Well, it isn't Carl's thing

but he has to be
out there every day.

- [doorbell rings]
- Mama, I don't understand...

You're just being
ridiculous about this.

What?

I-I came to pick up Sonia.

Oh, well, come on in. Come on.

Sit down, sit down.

She gave up the
cemetery for you, huh?

Yes, ma'am.

Don't pay any attention to her.

Tell me something...

Are your
grandparents still alive?

Well, good Lord!

We're just having a
little family discussion

and I wanted another opinion.

How would you like

to come out to the washer

and see the rest
of our dirty laundry?

No, thank you.

Are your
grandparents still alive?

The only one I really knew

was my grandfather
on my father's side

but he died a while ago.

Aha! Do you go out to
the cemetery to see him?

No.

Do your parents ever force you

to go to that cemetery?

No, ma'am.

You think he's in the cemetery?

No, sir!

How can you be so sure of that?

He was buried at sea.

- Hi, Michael. Bye, you guys.
- I-I'm sorry I couldn't help.

- I had an uncle that died once.
- Come on, Michael.

Well, you can all
get your own supper.

When I get back
from the cemetery

I'm much too upset
to do any cooking.

Mama, why do you put
yourself through this?

Because I talk to your daddy

and you should, too.

Tell him about
yourself and your family.

Just because he's dead

doesn't mean he
isn't interested.

Mama, I'm sorry, but I
just don't believe in that.

I do, and your daddy
talks back to me

and I don't mean
that I hear voices

like your Aunt Mertis used to.

But he communicates with me.

Ms. Harper, that is
either your imagination

or you're goin' bonkers.

I am not goin' bonkers, Naomi.

He does communicate with me.

One time, when I
was waitin' for a bus

on the way home from the mall

this funny feelin' come over me.

I know that it was a
message from Carl.

It said to me

"Don't get on the number 17 bus.

"There's gonna be
a horrible accident.

"Avoid the number
17." And all of a sudden

up pulls the number 17
bus right in front of me.

Did you get on it?

No, I just stood there

pretended I was waitin'
for the number 12.

What happened to number
17? Was it in a wreck?

Certainly not, because
I didn't get on it.

Thanks to Carl all those
passengers are alive today.

Don't you tell me
I'm goin' bonkers!

Well, Carl, happy birthday.

I know you didn't like a fuss
made over your birthdays.

You always said it
just reminded you

how much older you were gettin'.

I guess you ain't got to worry
about that no more, huh, pops?

I brought you some flowers.

I borrowed 'em from
that grave down there.

I couldn't bring my own flowers
'cause I had to come on the bus.

Them kids of yours are
all too selfish to drive me.

Guess we know who
they take after, huh?

I remember every time you used
to bring me out to the cemetery

to visit my dear mama...
Lord rest her soul...

I always used to have to
bribe you, you remember, Carl?

Matter of fact, if
I recall correctly

that's how we
wound up with Vinton.

Well, let me see,
what's new and exciting?

Oh, Vinton's got
himself a new wife!

Real doozy this time.

Wears them little-bitty
bikini underpants...

Way down low like this.

Little dinky things
ain't hardly big enough

to cover a frog's fanny.

I don't think you
know what they are.

I believe they came
in after you went out.

Anyhow, he seems
to be in love with her

and she seems to be
just crazy about him.

'Course, if you ask me
somebody shot the dots

off of their dice years ago.

'Course, I guess in marriage

you just sort of
take what you get.

Nobody knows that better
than you and me, eh?

I didn't mean that, Carl.

I seem to be gettin'
so ornery in my old age.

I'm tired, Carl. I'm so tired.

Sometimes I think maybe
I'm gettin' ready to join you...

Take my place in
my grave next to you.

Right here in this grave.

This one, marked
"Hannah B. Grotsinger."

Mrs. Hannah B. Grotsing...

Wha...?

There's a strange woman lyin'...

There is a strange
woman lyin' in my grave!

Carl Harper, what
the hell are you up to?

Hello, everyone.

Well, where's mama?

Well, I wonder why
she wants to know?

I'm gonna take mama to
the cemetery to visit daddy.

You're right on time
again this year, Ellen.

She left an hour ago.

Oh, what a pity.

Oh, come on, Ellen,
you do this every year.

Do what?

Well, you take your phone
off the hook and then...

- I do not!
- You do too!

How dumb do you think we are?

I may need a chalkboard
to answer that question.

We may not be the smartest
people you know, Ellen

but we're certainly
not hypocrites.

Will you see to
your wife, Vinton?

Her muzzle slipped again.

Say, I would watch
out, young lady.

Next year, we might just
be goin' to the cemetery

on your birthday.

(Vinton) Let's knock it off!

The least we can do
on daddy's birthday

is not fight amongst ourselves.

Oh, I do think that's a
very sweet idea, Vint.

Ellen, would you
like to stay for lunch?

Well, I could just call

and tell him I'll
be a little late.

Oh, I can't, the
phone's still off the hook.

[mama sobbing]

What on earth?

[blows nose]

Mama!

Thelma? What is it?

Carl is having an affair
with a strange woman!

At the cemetery?

Ooh, there is life after death!

[mama sobbing]

Thelma?

(Vinton) Mama,
what in the world...

- Wait a minute!
- Mama, now come on...

Mama, now get
a hold of yourself.

Tell us what happened.

(Mama) There is a
woman in my grave

lyin' right smack up
against my husband!

[sobbing]

Thelma, you're
just bein' ridiculous.

Carl Harper couldn't get a
woman when he was alive.

What makes you think
he can get one now?

Oh, now, Mama, don't you worry.

Ellen is here.

Oh, I might've
known you'd show up.

You always get here an
hour after I go to the cemetery.

Mama!

Did you remember to put

your phone back on the hook?

How can you say that?

It's true.

Nobody ever wants to
go out to the cemetery

to visit my husband

except for Hannah B. Grotsinger

whoever she is.

Mama, this is probably
all just some crazy mix-up.

No.

I will take you back
to that cemetery

and we'll get this
all straightened out.

What hurts me the most
is that every single night

I say a little prayer
for Carl to be happy

and now he's got a
woman lyin' next to him.

[sobs]

That's a hell of a way for
my prayers to be answered!

If he wasn't dead, I'd k*ll him.

Is that Harper with an "H"?

Of course with a "H."

Otherwise, it'd be "Arper."

Here at Raylawn Cemetery,
we don't like mistakes.

Well, you've got a doozy

buried out there
next to my husband.

There's a marker on that grave

that says, "Mrs.
Hannah B. Grotsinger."

[laughs] That's impossible.

Hannah B. Grotsinger

was buried three plots
away from Mr. Harper.

Well, right now, she's
snuggling up against my husband

so I think you better
get her a non-skid coffin.

[sighs] Let me check the map.

O-o-o-o-oh... Heh,
this is embarrassing.

Well, what is it?
You can blush later.

When you purchased the
marker for Mr. Harper's grave

it was inadvertently
placed two graves down.

What does that
mean, "inadvertently"?

It means they screwed up!

I can't believe it.

It wasn't in my book.

Well, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Why you... upset my
poor, little old mother?

Oh, butt out, Ellen.

Let me get this straight.

Does this mean that the grave

that I've been
visitin' all these years

doesn't belong to Carl?

That's the grave
of Clyde P. Bledsoe.

See, mama, daddy's not lyin'

next to Hannah B.
Grotsinger after all.

So everything's fine now.

Everything is terrible.

Now what?

Well, don't you see?

I have been pouring out

the innermost secrets of my soul

to Clyde P. What's-his-face.

Mama, if Clyde hasn't
told daddy by now

he never will.

I am ashamed!

- I have been defiled!
- Oh!

I'm never gonna be able to show
my face in this cemetery again!

Will you stop talking like that?

Is there anything
I can do to help?

Yes, why don't
you just bury people

in alphabetical order?

[sobs]

Mama, you got to stop
tormenting yourself like this.

You didn't do anything wrong!

I bought a headstone for
someone that I don't even know.

I told everything I
could about myself

to a perfect stranger.

I've been unfaithful
to my husband.

(All) Aww.

Mama, you have not
been unfaithful to daddy.

He would forgive you. If
you went to him right now

you know what he'd say to you?

He'd say, "What the
hell have you done

"with the money I left you
to buy me a headstone?"

He wouldn't care
about no headstone.

Dyin' don't change people.

You know how cheap he
was... Lord rest his soul.

Grandma, Why don't you
just tell him what happened?

He'll understand.

No, I can't bear
to face him now.

Not after what I've done.

Oh, Ms. Harper, you
haven't done anything.

Well, not by your
standards, maybe.

All marriage means to
you is shakin' the sheets.

Carl and me, we got
a spiritual thing goin'.

Vint and me have
a spiritual thing, too.

Don't we, baby?

I'll say. Sometimes
we even light candles.

- And sometimes...
- Please!

Poor Carl's been
waiting to see me

and all he's seen
was my backside

while I been busy
exposin' myself

to Clyde P. What's-his-face.

[sobs]

Boy, you guys are just gonna die

when you hear this one.

I go on this picnic

with Michael, the
creep of the school

because I feel sorry
for the guy, right?

You wanna know what happens?

Go ahead. Go ahead,
just try and guess.

Okay, I'll tell ya...

He messes around
with another girl...

A sophomore, I
mean, a total airhead.

Can you believe
a creep like that

would dump me
because some cheerleader

has the hots for
him? I can't believe it!

Can you believe it, Naomi?

Dad, can you believe that?

Buzz?

See, I knew no one
would believe it. I knew it.

Sonia, no one's
interested right now

'cause we got a
problem with grandma.

What?

It's sort of a long story

but we thought there
was another woman

buried in the grave
next to grandpa.

Really?

Oh, grandma.

Men... they're all the
same, dead or alive.

Oh, Thelma, I can't stand
this for another minute.

Where do you think you're goin'?

I'm gonna go out
there and talk to Carl.

I can't go out there,
not until he forgives me.

Ms. Harper, he can't forgive
you 'less you go see him.

He certainly can't come here.

Well, I certainly hope not!

How are you figurin'
on settling this?

I have a pedicure at 3:00!

Well, there's only one way...

Carl's gonna have
to send me a sign.

- A sign?
- That's right.

Your daddy's gonna
have to bring me a gift.

Oh, Thelma, can he
bring it when I'm not home?

Well, for pity sakes,
you're not afraid of ghosts?

I am too.

Well, good Lord, what
a bunch of scaredy-cats.

Carl and I do this all the
time... he sends me signs.

How are we gonna know this sign?

Well, if Carl forgives
me, I'll get a gift.

I'll go out and buy you one.

No, no, it can't come from
a member of the family.

It has to be somethin'
I'm not expectin'.

- [doorbell rings]
- Oh!

E-excuse me, everybody,
excuse me, I'm sorry

but I have the biggest
problem in the world.

Well, you've come to the
right place. Take a number.

I really wasn't
tryin' to dump Sonia.

Me and this girl were
just makin' small talk.

Oh, I understand, Michael.

I had a couple of husbands.

They both went out
and made small talk

about two or three
nights a week.

I wouldn't do
anything to hurt Sonia.

I-I-I think I like her!

Can I talk to her? Where is she?

She's upstairs.

Sonia, can I talk to you?

(Sonia) Sorry, Michael

I gave up creeps for Lent.

It's not Lent, is it?

I think she meant no,
you can't talk to her.

Please, Sonia?

Oh, go stick your head
in a pencil sharpener.

I'm askin' ya on bended knee!

Will someone please tell
her I'm on bended knee?

(All) He's on
bended knee, Sonia!

Bend his ears, too

and send him back
to his cheerleader!

Come on, Sonia-a-a!

Ple-e-ase!

Sonia, either forgive this creep

or get down here and
put him out of his misery!

Ah, Michael...
Michael, I don't think

she wants to talk about it now

so maybe you better
run on home, huh?

Mrs. Harper...

since I can't give these
to the woman I love

I'll give 'em to you.

Well, thank you, Michael.

[door closes]

(All) Oh.

Oh, now, mama

you can't believe
those are from daddy!

He wouldn't send
them with a creep.

Those are just
cheap, little flowers.

He probably picked them himself.

Yeah, but they didn't come
from anybody in the family

and grandma
wasn't expectin' 'em.

[sniffles]

Those are from grandpa?

Yes, they are, baby,
because they're nasturtiums.

Only Carl would send me flowers

that I'm...
ah-choo... allergic to.

Ah-choo!

Ah-choo!

Ah-choo!

Ah-choo!

(Mama) Ah, Carl,
baby if you can hear me

thanks for the flowers. Ah-choo!

I'm just gonna put
these in some water.

[toilet flushes]

[theme music]