04x11 & 04x12 - The Routine/The Upgrade

[bunniefuu]

[ Upbeat music plays ]

Narrator:
in an age long forgotten,

Legend speaks
of an unsung hero --

Some call him the couch-crusher.

To others, he's known simply
as the oncoming wind.

But to a special few,
he's known as...

Dad!
Dad! Dad!

Wake up!

Ugh!

My arms are too short
to reach a nerve.

Why do we want to
wake him up anyway?

Because...
[ Pop! ]

It's completely unfair

That he gets
to veg out all day

While we have to go
to school!

Hmm!

[ Squeaking ]

If you want him
to wake up,

You have to use
the magic word.

"Please"?

No, "bacon."
Yes!

[ Horn honks ]

Come on, guys, you're gonna be
late for school.

Why does he get
to sit there all day?

He doesn't.

He has a very important
list of chores

To do while I'm at work.

"Get mayo"?

Where's the rest
of the list?

Well, I've never seen him

Make it down to ,
so, eh...

Hey! It's not as easy
as it looks!

You're right, I'm sorry.

Please be careful,
o father,

On this dangerous
and mighty quest.

Thank you!

I was being sarcastic.

Thank you?

Never mind.

Hmm!

Narrator: and thus begins
our hero's quest.

He shall not rest
until he has returned

With the sacred sauce.

[ Snoring ]

Narrator: or maybe he shall
quickly rest

For a little bit,

Then go on his quest
for the sacred sauce!

[ Snoring ]

Narrator: [ growls ]
let the quest begin!

[ Yells ]

[ w*r-like chanting ]

[ Grunting ]

Ugh!

I should have put
the pants on first.

Oh, forget it!

[ Yelling ]

Cover your eyes,
margaret.

The neighbor's going
to the store again.

[ Engine revving ]

Onward, cartax!

[ Neighs ]

Narrator: and so our hero
begins his journey

Through the perilous kingdom
of elmore.

Go, cartax, go!
Yeah!

[ Clicking tongue ]

[ Horns honking ]

Go! Go!

[ Clicking tongue ]

Narrator: after many miles,

Our warrior reaches
the territory

Of the oracle of suburbia.

[ Clicking ]
what is it, cartax?

Your hazard lights are on.

Is there danger ahead?

[ Tires squeal ]

[ Car whinnies ]

Aagh!
Who goes there?!

Where are you?!

Man: down here.

Turn back or perish!

You quest for mayo
is doomed!

How do you know
about my quest?

Underpants
don't have pockets.

But I can also read your future,
rotund warrior.

I will let you see it --
at a cost.

Name your price,
troll thing.

I know almost everything.

Apart from this --
what does "l.o.l." Mean?

I keep getting it
in messages

And want to use it myself
to feel cool,

But I don't know
what it means.

Uh, it means...

Lots of love?

Thank you.

"Dear master
of the dark arts,

Sorry to hear about
your mother, l.o.l."

[ Chime plays ]

Now kneel before me!

[ Snarls ]

[ Roars ]

Many of elmore's
unemployed heroes

Went to the supermarket
and never came back.

You don't mean...

Yes, they got hired
and now work there.

I do not scare so easily,
goblin head!

For I am
totally unemployable!

[ Car whinnies ]

Then may the spirits be with you
on your journey,

Destroyer of burgers.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Master of the dark arts.

Ugh, bummer.

[ Screams ]

[ Tires squeal ]

If you wish to pass
the gates of old,

You must first cross our palms
with gold.

What?

We be the trolls
of this toll booth.

Pay for your passage
or lose a tooth!

Still don't get it.
Are you speaking english?

Ugh!
It's cents to go through.

What?!
Are you highway bandits?!

Technically, we're in the
service of the government,

But, basically, yes.

Then feel my wrath!

[ Window whirs ]

My hand!
[ Sprays ]

Aagh!
My eyes!

Go, cartax, go!

[ Growling ]

Toll penalty tickets!

[ Roars ]

[ Both screaming ]

[ Groans ]

Psych!

[ Clang! ]

Narrator: our warrior
continued his journey

Through the kingdom.

He almost broke his wrist
honking too much

In the valley
of car-tastrophia.

He fought for a long time

To escape the deadly vortex
of the drive-thru window

Where your worst enemy
is yourself.

Until he made it to the dreaded
swamps of asphalt.

[ Wind howls ]

[ Creaking ]

No!

We cannot continue this way,
cartax!

We must turn back.

But at least the tension

Hasn't been artificially
heightened

By having that precariously
balanced tree

Fall and block our way.

No!

The tension has heightened

Now that that precariously
balanced tree

Has fallen
and blocked our way!

[ Car whinnies ]

What's that, cartax?

Can I please stop stating
the obvious?

[ Car whinnies ]

What's that, cartax?
There is another solution?

[ Car whinnies ]

Cartax, no!

[ Splat! ]

Aagh! Don't move!
I'll find a solution!

[ Car whinnies ]

What's that, cartax?
Use that plank?

Yes, of course!

[ Car whinnies ]

Cartax, language!
[ Car whinnies ]

Oh, ha, you meant put it
under the tires, right.

[ Epic music plays ]

Cartax, no!

[ Car whinnies ]

I don't want to say goodbye!

[ Engine revving ]

[ Blubbering ]
I love you, too!

I love you, too!

[ Sobbing ]

No!

Narrator: alone, the warrior
continued his journey.

Many hours he walked to cover
the hundred yards

Leading to his final
destination --

The supermarket.

But there was nothing special
on offer here.

[ Grunts ]

Larry?!

Which aisle
is the mayo in?

It's gone...

It's all gone.

Don't exaggerate, larry.

There's still a good third
of it burning.

[ Coughs ]
what happened?

The beast discovered
the power of coupons.

It bided its time,
stockpiling them.

Then it shopped us
to oblivion.

It bought everything
in sight,

Leaving nothing but destruction
in its wake.

[ Roars ]

Just like
the witch's prophesy.

Wherefore is the lair
of this beast?!

Ah!

Surely you don't intend
to fight it!

My queen requires only
a jar of mayo,

Not the head of a beast.

I don't know how you do burger
night at your house, weirdo.

Narrator:
and as night fell,

Our weary traveler arrived
at the arena

Where the final act of
his destiny shall play out.

[ Fanfare ]

[ Gasps ]

Finally,
my quest has come to an end.

What was it again?
Oh, yeah.

Get mayo!

[ Grunting ]

[ Yells triumphantly ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Snarls ]

Ah, that prophesy
was misleading.

That's nowhere near
as bad as I --

[ Roars ]

It was buy one,
get one free!

Psych!

[ Panting ]

[ Chomping ]

[ Panting ]

[ Snarling ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Triumphant music plays ]

Hyah!

[ Laughs ]

[ Screams ]

[ Groans ]

[ Thudding ]

[ Roars ]

[ Screams ]

[ Car whinnies ]

[ Gasps ] cartax!

[ Snarling ]

[ Engine revs ]

Psych!

[ Roars ]

[ Tires squeal ]

Cartax, go!

[ Roars ]

[ Teeth crash ]

[ Roars ]

[ Car alarm chirps ]

[ Groans ]

[ Snoring ]

Well, I guess he did do
something today...

He put his pants on.

[ Laughter ]
come on.

Let's set the table
for burger night.

Narrator: and so our hero's tale
comes to an end.

To the beast, he is a thief.

To his family,
he's a huge slob.

To his neighbors,

He's the reason house prices
are going down in the area.

But to me,
he will always be my master.

[ Car whinnies ]

Betto-hunt:
we've seen the truth.

And the truth is the unknown.

But the unknown can't just be
about the truth.

The truth is the unknown
can only be as truthful

As the truth of the unknown
can be.

And that's the truth.

We've changed the world
as we know it

For the first time
since the last time.

Let me introduce our new
bobert system.

Coupled with our new
updated microchip

And an integrated a.i.,

This operating system
allows the user

To enjoy a truly
singular experience,

Giving you access to a whole new
range of functionality.

It isn't just the perfect blend
of software and hardware,

It's lifeware.

Bobert.

Let the future
and the past collide

To define your present.

[ Both gasp ]

[ Panting ]

[ Chuckling softly ]

How can you
not be excited?!

are you not satisfied with
current version of friend?

I don't know.

Are we getting a truly singular
friendship experience?

processing information.

results --
indecipherable garbage.

Look, you know we love you
just the way you are,

But we feel like we could love
you more if you were...

Better.

[ Alarm blares ]
system alert --

self-esteem file corrupted.

moving file to trash.

system status s.a.d.

What does that stand for?

sad.

Oh, sorry
we made you feel bad.

You're great
the way you are.

You don't have
to change a thing.

negative.

it is logical that all things
must change for the better.

i want the upgrade.

[ Cheering ]

As long as it is
your decision.

i agree.

Yes! Yes!

[ Chimes ]

Oh, great --
three minutes!

Two minutes!

Four seconds!

Oh, hours.

[ Poky music plays ]

[ Raspy voice ] can you blow
on my eyeballs?

I've been staring
for too long.

[ Both coughing ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Chimes ]

Yes! Yes!

Okay, okay, what's new?
What can you do?

my screen display now has a
mild three-dimensional effect.

Ooh! Ooh!

What else?

my camera has
new photo filters.

Oh, oh, show us!

[ Shutter clicks ]

Oh. This one gives you
a swaggy haircut.

This one gives you
a flattering pout.

Hmm, nice.

It's got a bro mode.
Oh.

Post-workout mode.
Ooh!

What's the guilty pleasure
filter?

That's amazing!

But there will
never be a filter

That replaces people's
quirky individuali...ty.

Huh, what do you know?

What else can you do?

i have an in-built
health application.

How does that work?

[ Laser whines ]
[ deep voice ] run.

[ Screaming ]

How is this improving
our health?!

[ Screaming ]

[ Normal voice ]
you have run three miles

and b*rned , calories.
goal achieved.

[ Both gasp ]

What else is new?

i come with a three-album
download by a popular band.

[ Pop music playing ]

Aagh!
Make it stop!

It sounds like
she's being grated

Through a guitar by a bunch
of rich, smug old people

Wearing leather pants!

Aagh!
Delete, delete!

negative. The mp s are
embedded into my hard drive.

[ Volume increases ]

Just as well
you shut yourself down.

All these new
background apps

Are seriously draining
your battery life.

So...
[ Buzzing ]

Bon appétit.
[ Chimes ]

So what else is new?

i have voice activation
software.

What does that do?
[ Ding ding ]

Woman: anything you request,
gumball.

'Kay...
Do my homework!
[ Ding ding ]

finding restaurants
in your local area.

Dude, you gotta pronounce
your words clearly.

Bobert, tell me how pretty
I look today.

in japan, there are more pets
than there are children.

Is it my grammar?
Who knows?

e-mailing grandma list
of nursing homes.

What -- no!
Cancel!

You can't e-mail that
to granny jo-jo!

e-mailing granny jo-jo
camel butt pictures.

No, stop it!
She'll be horrified!

did you say "magnify"?
magnify pictures.

No, no, no!
Don't send it!

sending.

[ Whoosh ]

[ Screams ]

That upgrade
was useless!

I might as well
just go...

[ Speaking gibberish ]

did you say "kick leslie's
butt and marry him to alan"?

Oh!

[ Normal voice ]
i now pronounce you

husband and flower.

[ Playing electronic
wedding music ]

You had your chance.

[ Whirs ]

What?

[ Bell rings ]

[ Blows ]

[ Thunk! Splat! Smack! ]

Oh, hey, bobert.
High-five.

[ Thunk! ]

[ Screams ]

[ Squeaking ]

[ Classical music playing ]

[ High-pitched whine ]

[ Whirs ]

[ Spits, grunts ]

[ Thud ]
ow!

Hold on!
I got this.

Wait, I see
what's gonna happen here.

I'll just go...
Good thinking, dude.

...and take this from...
[ Screams ]

[ Windshield thuds,
car alarm blaring ]

All right, we're gonna get you
fixed at the store!

But we don't know
where it is.

That's all right.
We'll use bobert maps.

continue straight ahead
for , feet.

[ Panting ]
oh, come on, man.

We've been walking
for two hours!

In feet, turn down.

Both: turn down?

Okay. Okay.

Ew!

[ Splash! ]

[ Both gasping ]

continue for , miles.

[ Gulls crying ]

on the bridge, turn left.

fall for seven meters,
then stop.
[ both scream ]

position yourself
in the left lane.

continue.

[ Screaming ]

Let me guess, the upgrade
updated your maps.

make a u-turn
where possible.

Forget it.
Let me ask someone.

[ Crash! ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Groaning ]

Excuse me, sir,
where's the bobert store?

[ Whimpering ]

A thousand thanks,
kind sir.

This store is whiter
than an arctic fox

In a wedding dress.

[ Grunts ]
[ clatter ]

Cody: hi, I'm cody.

I'll be your service
specialist today.

Uh, what?

[ Horn honks ]

What's that?

That would be my behind,
sir.

Oh!

What's that, then?

[ Nasal voice ]
that would be my nose, sir.

[ Pop! ]

And that?

[ Normal voice, chuckling ]
that's my ponytail.

Ew!

I can't believe
I touched a ponytail

With my bare hands!

Welcome to
the bobert store.

What can I do to heighten
your experience?

Can you please downgrade
our bobert?

Well, no, you see,

Our philosophy
at bobert store

Is to focus on our vision

On the ascent to perfection
and break away from the past.

What does that mean?
It means "no."

But bobert doesn't work
because of your stupid upgrade.

Cody:
here at the bobert store,

We like to provide
a worldwide quality experience

That opens on
a truly synergenic --

Yeah, yeah, mumbo-jumbo solution
and blah blah to reality.

Whatever.
Just fix him, okay?!

Let me take a look.

Hey, jayden.

Jayden: oh, hey, cody.
Nice shirt.

And here we are.

Wait a minute,
that's not our bobert.

Well,
I upgraded your product.

But bobert
is not a product!

He's our friend.

Yeah, he's not something

You can just replace like --
hold on.

You mind if I just...

Ahh!

What's new
with this model?

It doesn't matter!

Yeah, it doesn't matter!
Where's our bobert?!

Oh, he's been sent back
to our factory

With the rest
of our products

That we purposely designed
to fail

So that you're forced --
uh, I mean, oh, I mean, oh --

[ Door opens, closes ]

[ Muffled muttering,
shoes squeaking ]

[ Door slams ]
defective product...

Jayden:
hi, I'm jayden!

I'll be your new service
specialist today.

[ Sighs ] whatever.
New bobert, where's our friend?

[ Ding ding ]
launching app --

find my bobert.

[ Chimes ]
bobert located.

You're coming with us.
Let's move, people!

[ Smack! ]

[ Smack! Clatter ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Whoosh! ]

You gotta admit,

He's much more comfortable
than the old one.

Much more ergonomic.

I mean, the old one was --

Don't.
What?

Way faster, too.

[ Whoosh! ]

I don't understand.
It says bobert's right here.

Yeah, we're right on top
of the dot.

Oh. Oh.

[ Whirs ]

[ Streak! ]

Come on, new bobert,
blow the door open!

What?! No!
That's way too dangerous!

Just get me closer.

Hello!
Could you please open the door?

[ Screaming ]

[ Yelling ]

Bobert,
I'm coming, buddy!

[ Epic music plays ]

Gumball, come back!

Just a second!

[ Purring ]

Uh, I'm sorry.
I just love doing that.

[ Epic music continues ]

Gotcha!

[ Screaming ]

What?

Don't worry.
New bobert will save us.

No, look out!

[ Screaming ]

activating
defense application.

would you like to rate
debris smasher

on the bobert store?

I'd write something like
"five stars,

This is a must have
for every bobert user.

Well designed with
an intuitive interface,"

But we don't have
the time!

Fly us to safety!

negative.

battery power insufficient
for three passengers.

[ Streak! ]

What?
No, bobert!

[ Gothic choir chants ]

[ Screams ]

[ Grunting ]

Oh, come on, man.
Wake up!

[ Grunting ]

[ Electricity crackling ]

Clear!
[ Malfunctions ]

Aw, there's gotta
be something!

Nah.

No, wait, no!

Your old system!

[ Chimes ]

Yes!
[ Chimes ]

No!

No obstruction -- complete
commencing installation!

Oh, hurry up!

Come on, come on,
come on,

Come on, come on,
come on, come on!

[ Chimes ]

Actually, I'm glad I wasn't
wearing any pants.

[ Whoosh! ]

Jayden:
I don't understand, sir.

Why would you want
a downgrade?

Because, to be happy,

You don't always need
the latest thing.

Because looking
for something better

Can sometimes mean losing
what you really love.

Because there's nothing
we would change

About our friend bobert.

We're happy to grow
obsolete together.

And because the new one bends
when you sit on it.

[ Smack! ]

[ Whoosh! ]