(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
(g*n c*ck)
(LOUD BURST)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
MAN 1: There she is!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
Gloria!
Hi.
Welcome!
- You look great.
- Thank you!
- Darcy, where have you been?
- Hey! Hi!
I was just taking a
minute. Is that allowed?
Not at your wedding.
- Your Ketel One martini.
- Oh.
Obrigada, Jerome.
Where is the groomzilla?
Tom is not a groomzilla, okay?
He just committed to making
every detail perfect.
You should have taken
your father's money
for this wedding.
Then, professionals would make
everything perfecto for you.
Mom, I've told
you. We are adults
and we wanted to pay
for our own wedding
so it could be what we wanted.
DARCY'S MOTHER: And
this is what you wanted?
That was a printing error.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
♪ E is even more than
Anyone that you adore
♪ And love is all
That I can give to you
♪ Love is more than
Just a game for two
♪ Two in love can make it
(DRILL WHIRRING)
♪ Love was made
For me and you ♪
- Hoy!
- (CLICKING)
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Hey!
Oh, I almost sh**t you!
I thought you're a pirate
but you're just a guy.
- (GUARD LAUGHING)
- (GRUNTS)
(SIGHS) Ah, this is
for your bride, huh?
TOM: Yeah, trying
to surprise her.
I saw something just
like it on Etsy,
and it looked perfect,
but now I'm not so sure.
Now, I wanna be romantic
but not too corny.
There's a really fine
line between the two.
Aren't you supposed
to be over there?
Your rehearsal party.
Oh, my God!
I need you to talk to your
father's yoga teacher.
- Girlfriend?
- Yeah, whatever.
She keeps smiling at me.
Can you tell her to
stop smiling at me?
Yes, Mom.
I will tell Dad's girlfriend
to stop smiling at you.
That won't cause any issues.
Also, I cannot sit at a
table with Tom's mother.
On the boat here,
she tried to start a
sing-along to South Pacific.
She's excited. Okay?
She's never been out
of the country before.
What kind of a grown woman
has never left the country?
Please, Mom, for two days,
can you just get along with...
Carol!
♪ I'm gonna wash that
man Right outta my hair
♪ I'm gonna wash that
man Right outta my hair
♪ And send him on his way ♪
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I've been looking
forward to this moment
ever since baby Tommy was
cut out of my abdomen.
- (LAUGHS FORCEFULLY)
- Oh, my God,
I have never been on a
private island before.
I've never been even
on an island before.
Actually, you know
what? That's not true.
I went with the Heibermans.
We went to Mackinac, you know,
before they moved
to Bloomington.
Have you ever been
to Mackinac, Renata?
I don't know what that is
or most of the
words you just said.
CAROL: Wouldn't she
just love it, Larry?
Oh. Hi, Darcy.
Hey, Larry.
I didn't see you
there. (LAUGHS)
- Hi.
- LARRY: Hi, Renata.
CAROL: Guess what?
We got you a gift.
- Oh, you didn't have to.
- CAROL: Yes, we did.
It's the biggest day
of our lives tomorrow.
What are you talking about?
- Come on, open it.
- Okay. (CHUCKLES)
- Larry, she's opening.
- I get... Oh.
Ah-uh-huh.
Oh. Someone just left
that in the bathroom.
TOM: Oh, you're a
lifesaver, Margy.
I cannot believe
I'm late for this.
The guests are already mingling,
and your Darcy is talking
to both the mothers.
Oh, no. Go. Go,
go, go, go, go, go.
DARCY: Oh!
RENATA: You got my
daughter rusty knives?
It's your "something
borrowed."
Everyone in our family uses
them on their wedding day.
Brings you a lifetime
of good luck.
Except for Uncle Greg
who ended up getting
decapitated on that forklift.
But that's not
the knife's fault.
MAN: Darcy!
Dad!
(PRAISES IN SPANISH)
- Gracias.
- BOTH: Mm.
- (CAROL LAUGHING)
- Carol, you look lovely.
(KISSING) Mm. Mm.
Larry, hello, sir.
- LARRY: Hey!
- I'm gonna kiss you too.
- Oh.
- Mm.
- Sorry. Done?
- Yeah, okay.
Renata.
Roberto.
I love that you two
are still friends.
- Peekaboo! (CHUCKLES)
- Oh.
Hi!
BOTH: Mwah. Mwah.
Mm!
Oh, Darcy, I am so
honored to bear witness
to this sacred observance
of rebirth and devotion.
- Same.
- Thank you. (CHUCKLES)
(GASPS) Renata.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
I need to go to
the ladies' room.
CAROL: Hey, me too.
When I'm in formal wear,
I like to pee standing
up. How about you?
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
Thank you, Margy.
Oh, hey.
- Hey.
- TOM: How are you?
(DARCY SIGHS)
- Oh.
- (WHISPERS) Oh, my God.
- That's for you.
- Thanks.
Big papi.
- My man. Mwah.
- (ROBERT GRUNTS)
- This... I just...
- Nice to see you, Dad.
- Senor.
- Let's just, uh, stick
- with "Robert" for a little while.
- (HARRIETT CHUCKLES)
- Right. Robert.
- HARRIETT: Tom, I heard
you were the one who found
this incredible resort.
- Yeah. I did.
- Yes.
I actually study bioresonance,
and this place is
teeming with
energetic vibrations.
- DARCY: Mm.
- ROBERT: It's just like
- our room teeming with bugs.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
The, uh, Four Seasons
would've been nice,
but you didn't
want my help, so...
Some things are more important
- than money, Dad.
- Yeah.
That's debatable. (CHUCKLES)
Well, I need another drink.
- Yeah.
- (SPEAKS SPANISH)
No, I'm good. Gracias.
ROBERT: Okay, well...
I'm fine.
(SIGHS) Is he ever
gonna like me?
Yes, if you just chill out
and start acting like yourself.
(WHISPERS) God, our
families are a lot.
- What do you mean?
- And where have you been?
I was just finishing
up a little project.
What'd I miss?
Oh, well, your mom
gave me cursed knives.
And then my mom almost yelled
at my dad's girlfriend
for smiling.
- Oh.
- Oh, also,
your cousin, Amy, asked where
she could charge her vibrator.
Oh, so, Cousin Amy came?
She will soon.
- (LAUGHS)
- Um, what are you wearing?
Oh, it's, uh...
Why is your hair all wet?
Oh, I... I just... I...
You know, I went for a
little moonlight swim.
You fell in the
water, didn't you?
Yeah, I fell in the
water. (LAUGHING)
You know, it's kinda cute
how bad you are at lying.
Just... Just promise me...
Promise me, you won't
let go of my hand
for the rest of the night, okay?
I promise.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKERS)
Ace.
Ace just put on the honeymoon
playlist. I need to change it.
Well, is "need" the right word?
- Dad, please.
- LARRY: Oh, yeah.
(MUSIC STOPS)
Tommy, Tommy, I need you
for, like, five minutes.
- What? No, no, no, no.
- It's an emergency.
I've been working on my
best-man speech, right,
and it is going really well.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- (IMPERCEPTIBLE)
- (MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKERS)
Dad's girlfriend just asked
me what my love language is.
She sucks.
Happiest I've seen
you in 20 years.
- Thanks.
- Cheers.
(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)
(UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(JAMIE GASPS)
Dad invited your ex?
God! How does he just
keep getting hotter?
Looks like he's
leading a porn safari.
I didn't wanna invite him,
but Dad insisted because
he said Bali was so close.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Wow, wow.
Dad is a messy b*tch
who loves the drama.
DARCY: Well, he never RSVP'd,
so we thought we
were in the clear.
I didn't think
he'd actually come.
You know, he never RSVP'd.
No, that's a very,
very cool move.
I'm really excited to meet him.
Oops, looks like
he was in a rush
and forgot to button his
shirt all the way up.
Deedee. (EXHALES SHARPLY)
- Hey, man, how are you?
- Hey.
Hi, Sean! (LAUGHS)
SEAN: (GRUNTS) I am so
sorry that I'm late.
Your dad needed me to go to
Japan at the last minute,
and then, you know, I had
to charter a jet from Kyoto,
- just like a whole thing.
- No, it's okay. We just...
You know, we didn't
know you were coming.
SEAN: Your dad and I
wanted to surprise you.
Look, babe, you know I wasn't
gonna miss your wedding
for anything in
this world, right?
- Sean, I want you to meet Tom.
- Tom.
- Oh, hey! (CHUCKLES)
- Tom!
- Tom, Tom, Tom.
- Sean. Yeah.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hey, Tom.
Man, I have been dying to meet
Deedee's ball player, man.
What position you play?
- I'm a... Well, I...
- He's a designated hitter.
ROBERT: Uh, unfortunately,
they didn't pick
up his contract,
so, technically, he's
unemployed, but...
Cut from the minors at 40.
That's a tough break, Tom.
But if you stay positive,
you could have a really
great future in coaching.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
That is an excellent idea.
- I think so.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
Is it time for dinner?
(APPLAUSE)
We are so very touched
that you all made
the trek out here.
You know, we really
wanted to pick a place
that was convenient
for none of you.
(ALL LAUGHING)
You know what, I talk
too much at the law firm.
So I am going to hand it over
to the man of the hour,
the guy who made this
whole weekend happen,
my lovely Tom.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
Thank you.
- MAN: Do it!
- WOMAN: You go, girl!
TOM: Uh...
- WOMAN 2: Yeah!
- (WHISPERS) You got this.
- Right?
- (LAUGHTER)
I can just wing this, right?
Darcy talked a lot about, uh,
her time in the
Peace Corps in Bali,
and I thought, you know,
how cool would it be if
we got married there.
And then, I realized that
Bali was un-Bali-vably
expensive.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
I think the
Philippines are better.
- (GUESTS CLAP)
- Right, Ace?
Ace agrees. Next.
- WOMAN: Aw!
- (GUESTS EXCLAIM)
I know a lot of you were
there to witness my proposal.
The shock and
surprise. Priceless.
Anyway, Mom and Dad, I
just wanna say thank you.
Your commitment is something
that we can only aspire to.
- Oh, my God.
- TOM: Robert, Renata,
we hope our marriage is
nothing like yours. (LAUGHING)
Pivot, baby. (WHISPERS) Pivot.
I mean, that's not a... a...
a character judgment,
by any means.
I mean, 50% of marriages
end in divorce, right?
- (MIC FEEDBACK)
- Ha! Wonderful.
(CHUCKLING) Cheers, everybody.
- Cheers, cheers, cheers.
- Cheers.
(TOM CLEARS THROAT)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, my God. That
did not go well.
No, that was awesome.
- (GLASS CLINKING)
- (MUSIC STOPS)
So Deedee and I met in
the Peace Corps in Bali.
And one day, we had to run
these medical supplies
to this village.
I decided to teach her
how to drive the boat,
so I could sleep and she
could do all the work.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(TOM CHUCKLES DRYLY)
The first time our girl
gets behind the wheel,
she gets a damn speeding
ticket from the coast guard.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Right? Deedee doesn't
do anything half-assed.
She sees what she wants,
she goes after it,
and she doesn't settle for less.
TOM: It's true, it's true.
SEAN: So, as some
of you may know,
Deedee and I were, 100
years ago, were engaged.
But she called it off.
(GUESTS EXCLAIM SADLY)
No. No, no, no, no.
She was waiting for Tom.
And that guy right there
has gotta be a
one-in-a-million supernova
to snag that beautiful soul.
- Thanks.
- (ALL APPLAUDING)
- Thanks, Sean.
- So, in conclusion,
I just wanna say one
thing to you, Deedee.
Katuk kak ci.
(LAUGHING)
(ALL APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)
What's... Katuk kak what?
Oh, God. Um, it's
hard to explain.
It actually means, um,
"f*ck your grandpa."
(CHUCKLES) It's just...
Well, that's not
that hard to explain.
Yeah, well, I don't know.
Just, in Balinese,
it's super offensive.
Yeah, well, it's
offensive everywhere, no?
- Yeah. I mean... It just...
- "f*ck your grandpa!"
- It just made us laugh.
- It is funny.
- (GLASS CLINKS)
- WOMAN: Hi, everybody.
I'm Tom's baby sister, Jeannie.
- Yeah, Jeannie!
- Hey, Jeannie!
Wow, Sean's speech,
wasn't it somethin'?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
(SPRAY CAN HISSING)
DARCY: Honey?
Maybe we should just, you
know, call it a night.
TOM: No, babe, you go ahead.
I gotta finish
these centerpieces
and rearrange the seating chart
now that Sean
decided to show up.
- (GRUNTS)
- Tom!
Tom!
(WHISPERS) Let's have sex.
Yes. Yes.
Just... Just... Just...
Just gimme... Just...
I just have to finish these
pineapples real quick.
Okay. Um...
But do you really have to finish
pineapples right now?
Oh, my God. I love you in
a T-shirt and no pants.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
I'm just gonna reach over here,
this high shelf, so I can
get something to read.
Why is it so sexy when you
can't reach high shelves?
- So, um...
- (GRUNTING SOFTLY)
I'm sorry, miss, but it was...
- It's this one here?
- No, no, no.
It's the one over there.
- Sir, please.
- Oh, this one.
- This one.
- Yes.
- That?
- Thank you, sir.
Okay. Glad I could help.
(DARCY GIGGLING)
I miss you.
It's been a while, huh?
I know.
I miss you.
(TOM MOANS)
Could I ask you a question?
Is it a sexy question?
Um...
Just wondering
why you called off
the engagement with Sean again.
That is so not
sexy. (CHUCKLES)
I... I told you this.
We were young, we were in Bali,
and then one day, I woke up
and it just didn't feel right.
- Okay?
- Okay.
(TOM MOANING)
But you said yes.
You know, what
changed your mind?
(DARCY SIGHS)
(CHUCKLING) I don't know.
Uh, he... he started
working with my dad,
he changed, and
all he cared about
was status and money.
(CHUCKLES) Anyway, why do
you want to talk about my ex
the night before our wedding?
I don't know.
Maybe because you invited
him to our wedding?
Remember, I didn't.
My dad asked me to invite him.
What was I supposed to say?
I don't know. Uh, no?
If you remember correctly,
I didn't wanna invite anyone.
- I wanted to elope.
- (SIGHS)
The only reason I agreed
to a traditional wedding
was because you said that
we'd have moments alone.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hey, hello. It's Carol.
Hi. Hello.
Your future
mother-in-law, Carol.
(CHUCKLES) Yep, I
know your name, Carol.
I brought some of the
extras for the welcome bags
in case you want to
make one for Sean.
TOM: Oh! Oh.
Great. Thanks.
All right, thanks.
Tommy, she's not
wearing any pants.
- (GIFTS CLATTER)
- I just want to ask,
and... and I hope it's okay.
Is that genetics,
or is it, like,
Pilates or something?
Mom, now is not
the time for this.
CAROL: Yes, all
right. But, you know,
we need to get you outta here.
It's the night
before your wedding,
and you can't spend
the night together.
- No, Ma, it's just...
- You can't. It's bad luck.
You know, his cousin, Jenna,
she spent the night
with her husband.
Lo and behold, she
got Lyme disease,
and now she can't wear sandals.
It's a tradition.
(SNORING SOFTLY)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER
AND LAUGHTER)
(BIRD SQUAWKING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
PIRATE LEADER: Oh. Look
at the happy couple.
(MAN LAUGHS WICKEDLY)
Where have you been?
You were supposed to do my hair.
Now birds are gonna
lay eggs in it.
I know. I overslept.
I'm sorry.
(CHUCKLES DRYLY)
Kind of, sort of, slept
with Ricky last night.
- Ricky?
- Yes. I'm sorry.
I just, I was in the
mood for something,
you know, that
wasn't quite right.
Like ordering a hamburger
at a sushi bar or something.
I'm just gonna avoid
him today. It's fine.
He's Tom's best man.
You two have to walk
down the aisle together.
I am very good at
ignoring people
that I'm standing next to.
- No kidding.
- Ready?
I can't believe you agreed to
wear Carol's wedding dress.
- (SPLUTTERS)
- Okay.
- (JAMIE BLOWING)
- Okay, okay.
You look beautiful,
no matter what.
She's ready!
JEANNIE: Hey, should we all do
- a round of tequila shots?
- (SIGHS)
CAROL: Well, I
Scotchgarded the dress,
so try not to inhale
the chemicals.
JAMIE: Where's the
veil? Where's the veil?
(HUFFS) Okay.
JAMIE: Well, yes, tequila.
JEANNIE: Unless we get
the bottle, I'm not set.
JAMIE: No, no tequila.
Oh!
The prettiest of them all.
You look so much better
than the rest of us.
This dress is just wonderful.
I wore it for my wedding,
Jeannie wore it for hers,
and now you're gonna
wear it for yours.
Oh, my gosh.
Look at you.
Oh, it's white coral
made out of tissue.
Um...
Something doesn't,
you know, feel right.
CAROL: Do you think if
we blew-dried the veil,
- it would be more fluffy?
- Okay, so what I'm seeing is,
I think that the left
boob is actually slightly
- lower than the right boob.
- Like floof, floof, like that?
Hey, something kinda magical
happened with me last night.
- Theoretically speaking...
- (CELL PHONE CHIMING)
would it be weird or wonderful
- if we married sisters?
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
Yeah, sure.
RICKY: Hey, psst, Larry.
Tom's being boring.
Come film me doing a backflip!
LARRY: Oh, I... I don't
think I should walk.
RICKY: All right.
(GUESTS CHATTERING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
It's time.
Wow!
(SIGHS) Look at you.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay.
You wanted to talk.
I know it's last minute.
I just...
I hated the way things
ended last night, and...
And I didn't want
our wedding day
to start off on a bad note.
Oh, my God.
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
God, I thought you
were calling it off.
(TOM CHUCKLING)
Calling off the
wedding? (SCOFFS)
- Why?
- Uh, I don't know.
I mean, this weekend hasn't
exactly gone to plan.
You and I have been arguing more
in the last few
months than we did
our first four years together.
(INHALES DEEPLY) I don't
know. I guess I thought
weddings were
supposed to be fun.
Oh. Okay.
Well, I'm sorry I didn't make
your wedding more fun for you.
Well, no. That's...
Darcy, that's not what...
And it's not my wedding.
It's our wedding.
Hardly.
(SIGHS) Yeah, Tom.
You got so fixated on
the wedding that you...
you turned into a
different person.
I'm sorry. I just wanted
everything to be perfect.
Why is that so important to you?
Why isn't it important to you?
It's like you don't even
care about the wedding.
Well, I... Of course I care.
Oh, yeah?
You're the one that insisted
that we pay for this wedding.
Yet I'm the one
that's bargaining
with all the vendors
and DIY-ing everything,
and all you're saying is, "I
don't know. It looks good,"
you know, "Sounds good,
Tom. Whatever you want."
I told you that I did not want
a big traditional wedding.
Okay? I'm not some
blushing bride.
I'm a grown woman.
I don't want my daddy
walking me down the aisle.
I don't need a big
princess dress,
and I certainly don't
need a wedding registry.
I have my things already.
I like my things.
I wanted a Roomba.
(GUESTS MURMURING)
Well, she's not up in the lobby.
I can't get through on my phone.
Oh, my God. They've
fallen in a ditch.
What? And how do
you know that?
CAROL: I don't know.
I just have a sixth
sense about these things.
Ace and I will
take a look around.
Don't worry. We
will find them.
(CAROL BREATHING HEAVILY)
- (SCREAMS) Check all ditches!
- LARRY: God.
I wanted it to
just be you and me
in the middle of the ocean.
And for the 400th time,
that would've k*lled my mother.
Ugh. Right.
And that's why I'm in
your mother's dress
with an extra ten pounds
of hair on my head.
But the truth is,
you have not listened
to one thing I wanted
since you proposed.
Okay, well, Darcy,
I'm listening.
Enlighten me.
What is it? What is
it that you want?
Tom, we've...
We talked about this.
I told you on our
very first date,
I didn't want a big wedding.
Well, I thought you changed
- your mind about that.
- (SIGHS)
Why did you even
agree to do it then?
Oh, I... I don't...
I don't know!
Okay? Because...
Because I love you.
Because I... I w...
I wanted you to be happy.
PIRATE LEADER:
Go! Come on, move!
Everybody, move! Come on!
- (PEOPLE SCREAMING)
- Move along.
Go outside, go outside
right now. Come on. Come on.
If you don't wanna
go through with this,
it's not too late.
What?
No. We brought
everybody that we loved
down to the Philippines
for our wedding.
I'm in this dress!
We're doin' this!
Oh, that was beautiful.
Are those your vows?
Oh, my God.
You convinced yourself
that I wanted to
call off the wedding,
and now you're making it happen.
Oh, there you go.
Lawyering yourself
out of any real responsibility.
(DARCY GASPS)
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANS) You cut
me with your ring!
- Won't happen again.
- (GRUNTS)
(MUSIC RESUMES)
Great!
(SHOUTING) Why don't
you go be with Sean?
Maybe you guys could
go bang some grandpas!
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
I don't know why. I have
a bad feeling about this.
LARRY: It's gonna
be fine, honey.
- (SCREAMS)
- (ALL GASP)
I think you might
be overreacting.
(SCREAMS)
- (GUESTS SCREAMING)
- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
PIRATE LEADER: Hold still!
Get down, get down, get down!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(WHIMPERS)
- PIRATE 1: No running!
- (g*nsh*t)
- PIRATE LEADER: Everyone!
- PIRATE 1: Get down.
PIRATE LEADER:
To the pool! Now!
First rows, go!
- Go, go, go!
- (CAROL EXCLAIMS)
PIRATE 1: Everyone,
this way! This way!
Come on! Come on!
One line! Let's go!
- (g*nshots)
- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(GRUNTS)
(FRIGHTENED CLAMORING)
Let's go!
Darcy.
- PIRATE LEADER: Guys, go!
- PIRATE 1: Go, go, up there.
PIRATE LEADER: Up there! Up
there! Go! Go to the end.
- Go, go!
- Everybody, walk!
- PIRATE LEADER: Keep going.
- PIRATE 1: Let's go.
PIRATE LEADER: Go!
(GUESTS SCREAMING)
PIRATE LEADER: Keep
moving! There you go.
PIRATE 2: Turn. Turn. Go!
- PIRATE LEADER: Line up.
- PIRATE 2: Keep moving.
Line up, go!
- PIRATE LEADER: Now!
- CAROL: No.
PIRATE LEADER:
And into the pool.
Now. Go!
Go in. Faster, faster, faster.
PIRATE 2: Get in the water.
PIRATE LEADER:
Let's go faster.
- PIRATE 2: Oi, drop the phone.
- But my phone will get ruined.
I think that's the point,
sweetie. Just drop it.
Yeah, but I haven't
backed it up in a while.
- RENATA: Drop it!
- Okay. Okay.
PIRATE LEADER: No
need to be scared.
As long as everybody
follows directions,
no one gets hurt.
Raise your hand when
you hear your name.
Robert Rivera.
Robert! Robert.
They're calling you.
Thanks a lot, Carol.
- PIRATE LEADER: Larry Fowler.
- Present.
I... I'm Carol, his wife.
Just so you don't have
to make two trips.
Wait, wait. I'd like
it in the center.
Sean Hawkins.
If you hurt anyone in this pool,
you're gonna have
to answer to me.
PIRATE LEADER: Is this
the hero of the group?
ALL: Yes.
No. Oh, my God.
(WOMEN WHIMPER)
There is always one.
All right.
PIRATE LEADER: Where
is bride and groom?
PIRATE 1: She's there.
Isn't she the bride?
Oh. No.
Amanda thought it
was appropriate
to wear white to a wedding.
I didn't know that was a rule.
Yes, you did.
- You're a gaslighter.
- JEANNIE: Yeah.
You see, this is a problem.
They could call police.
And if police come,
we k*ll everyone.
- (GUESTS GASPING)
- WOMAN: Oh, my God.
Okay, um, I... I saw
Tom headed towards
the nature walk
before the ceremony,
and I noticed that
his frequency levels
were dangerously low.
I think he's getting cold feet.
Tommy has cold feet?
Is this really what we should be
worrying about at this point?
I'm a mother.
I can worry about a lot of
things at the same time.
Like Larry's mole.
- LARRY: Oh, it's fine, sweetie.
- CAROL: No,
- it's getting bigger.
- PIRATE LEADER: Spread out.
- (g*ns c*ck)
- Look for them.
Hey, uh, I... I... I
texted you this morning
and I didn't hear anything back.
Are you being serious right now?
No. No.
(PANTING)
(DARCY SCREAMS)
(GASPS) Darcy!
- (DARCY GRUNTING)
- TOM: Darcy! Hey!
- (GROANS)
- No, no, no, no. Darcy.
- Darcy, I'm coming in.
- f*ck off, Tom!
Oh, thank God.
Listen, I know you're
mad at me right now,
but you have to let me in.
Why would I be
mad? I'm awesome.
I'm on a tropical island,
I'm having a liquid brunch,
and I don't have to
answer to anybody!
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
(GASPS) Oh, my God,
this is not happening.
Oh, it is happening, buddy.
Okay? And once I get this
hair condo off my head,
I'm gonna march
down to that beach
and tell everybody
how you blew this up!
Shh... shh!
Are you seriously
shushing me right now?
What the f*ck?
(TOM GRUNTS)
Is that blood?
There's no time for a
blood freak-out right now.
- Don't tell me...
- (SHUSHES)
- (MUFFLED GROANING)
- There are pirates outside,
and they took everybody hostage.
(MUFFLED) What?
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
- (g*nshots)
- (GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
- We have to get help.
- TOM: No, no. No. No.
The phone is dead.
Oh, the Wi-Fi too.
Marge said the cell service
is better on the north side.
Why did you pick an island
with no cell service?
Because I wanted people to
be present and in the moment.
- (g*nsh*t)
- (GASPS) Jeez!
I can't breathe.
(GASPS) I can't breathe!
I know. Me neither.
No. I... I really can't
breathe. It's the shapewear.
Please help me get
out of this dress now.
Now!
Would you relax?
(WHISPERS) What did
you just say to me?
I said everything's
gonna be okay.
Dress is like a riddle.
- (g*nshots)
- Oh!
God, I'm gonna
die in this dress!
Oh, door latches
from the inside.
He's gonna know we're
in here. (GRUNTING)
He's also gonna
know we're in here
when he comes in here
and we're in here.
He'll think we're in the shower.
What... What?
And come back at a better
time? Leave a note?
- (SHOWER RUNNING)
- All right.
Okay, h... here's the
plan. He comes in,
he's gonna think
we're in the shower,
then I jump out and I
trap him in the net.
Oh, my God, that's
an amazing plan.
- Yes!
- No!
You're gonna throw
a net over a pirate?
Have you ever tried
to get out of a net?
It's very hard to
get out of a net.
Okay. How about...
How about this? I
spray him in the eyes.
How is hairspray in the eyes
better than a net over his head?
Wait! Yes, that's actually...
That's actually...
You spray that.
I'll light the match. It'll
be like a flamethrower.
- I mean, it won't work!
- Why?
- Too many steps.
- It's two steps.
It's two steps.
Flamethrower, net.
I pop out
and I put the net over his
head. I'll surprise him.
No, Tom, because b*ll*ts
sh**t through nets!
- Technically, yeah.
- Technically?
Technically, he won't be
able to sh**t straight
because he'll be all f*ck'
wrapped up in the net.
I swear to God, if you
say "net" one more time...
- (g*nshots)
- (GASPS)
Oh, my God. Oh, my
God. Oh, my God.
(g*nsh*t)
(WHISPERING) Psst.
Flamethrower.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(SHOWER RUNNING)
(WHISPERING) I'm
gonna f*ck him up.
I'm gonna f*ck him up.
(MOUTHING)
(TURNS OFF SHOWER)
(SCREAMING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
DARCY: f*ck!
(PIRATE 2 PANTING)
- (GRUNTS)
- PIRATE 2: Ow!
- Never mind! Never mind.
- Why did you do that?
- Never mind!
- (BOTH SCREAM AND GRUNT)
- (GROANING) You were right.
- (PANTING)
That hairspray was so
much worse than the net.
(TOM GRUNTS)
- DARCY: Ow!
- PIRATE 2: Get up.
DARCY: Okay.
(BOTH GRUNT)
- TOM: Come on.
- DARCY: Don't strangle me.
- TOM: Turn your arm.
- PIRATE 2: I have them alive.
Wait, wait. What?
PIRATE 2: (ON RADIO)
Bungalow 15. Pick me up.
PIRATE LEADER:
Go collect them.
And then we can begin.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
You doing okay, Jamie?
My stomach feels like
it's gonna fall
through my as*h*le.
But otherwise, I'm chill.
Listen, it's normal
to feel scared.
But I'm not gonna let
anything happen to you
or your family. Promise.
JEANNIE: Hey, Sean?
I am also feeling scared.
Like the most scared I've
ever been in my whole life.
It's like I just watched
The Ring, you know?
HARRIETT: Robbie,
baby, I want you
to practice the
breathing exercise
that we learned at Esalen, okay?
I'm gonna hit a pressure
point. Ready? And...
(JOINTS POP)
- Breathe. Breathe.
- (BREATHING SHARPLY)
From the diaphragm.
I think I'm gonna throw up now.
It's okay. You're doing fine.
If he keeps making that noise,
just go ahead and sh**t me.
- (ROBERT PANTS)
- (LAUGHING)
PIRATE LEADER:
The happy couple
will be here in a second.
So let's get to business.
Where is the father
of the bride?
Robert. He's calling ya again.
Thanks, Carol. (GRUNTS)
Okay, what do you want?
PIRATE LEADER: Well,
we call my colleague
on the satellite phone,
and you transfer $45
million to a bank account.
HARRIETT: What? What?
I don't have that kind of money.
PIRATE LEADER: We googled you.
Net worth is $60 million.
I'm not giving you anything
until I find out if
my daughter's safe.
- And your son-in-law.
- Yeah, him too.
Okay.
I can wait two minutes
to take all your money.
This way.
You want some pineapple candies?
They're from that weird
welcome bag we got,
but I found them in my pocket.
No, I don't want
loose, wet candy
from your gross pockets.
Okay.
Suit yourself.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- I'm starving.
- No.
(JAMIE GASPS)
- You're an as*h*le.
- Hmm.
God, I can't believe
that I had sex with you.
Honestly, I was pretty
surprised by that too.
DARCY: My parents,
they got divorced
when I was in high school,
and my first engagement
was a disaster.
What about you? Are
you dating anyone?
Have you always
wanted to be a pirate?
No more talk, lady.
Excuse me, sirs.
Darcy, they're gonna hurt you.
I just can't help but notice
that you guys smell
like cigarettes,
and I am loving it.
Is there any way I
could bum a cigarette?
I mean, I think it
might help with the...
the panic and dread I'm
experiencing right now.
Since when do you
smoke cigarettes?
It's...
I just... You don't even
have to untie my hands.
I mean, I... I can
smoke with no hands.
You could just put
it right in my mouth.
PIRATE 2: Give
her a cigarette.
- Please.
- Maybe it will shut her up.
DARCY: Yes, yes, yes,
it will shut me up.
Oh, thank you.
You guys are the...
best.
- (SEARING)
- PIRATE 2: What?
- Fire!
- (DARCY SCREAMING)
TOM: Oh, my God!
- (GASPS)
- Oh, my God! Flamethrower!
- (LAUGHING)
- Oh, my...
See, that's why you only
have a plan with one step!
(TOM GASPS)
- No!
- Oh, my God!
- Get the brakes!
- I'm trying! I'm trying!
(DARCY SCREAMS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
- (SHRIEKS)
- Cliff!
- Cliff! Cliff!
- DARCY: I see it!
Get it into park!
TOM: I'm trying! (GRUNTING)
- DARCY: Oh, God! Oh, my God!
- TOM: God!
(GRUNTING)
Oh, slide out!
(BOTH GRUNTING AND GASPING)
(BOTH LAUGH)
- (THUD)
- (BOTH GASP)
DARCY: My dress!
My dress, Tom!
Tom, don't let go!
- Don't you let go!
- (GASPING)
DARCY: I'm stuck! I'm stuck!
(SCREAMING)
- (TOM STRAINS)
- (DRESS RIPS)
(DARCY GRUNTS)
(BOTH PANTING)
(g*nshots)
- Go!
- (WHIMPERING)
Go. Go, go, go. Go, go, go.
- (g*nshots CONTINUE)
- (DARCY SCREAMS)
(TOM PANTING)
Quick, do something baseball-y.
What? This is nothing
like baseball!
- Down! Down, down!
- DARCY: f*ck!
(g*n CLICKS)
- He's out of a*mo.
- Right.
- Run at him!
- What?
- Go. Believe me, just go!
- No, no, no!
(ALL GRUNT)
(GASPS)
- Grenade!
- He has a grenade!
Sir!
Sir, sir.
Give me the grenade, sir. Sir!
Sir, give me the
grenade. Sir. Sir!
(ALL GRUNTING)
- (TOM GROANS)
- DARCY: Ah-ow. Ow!
- (BONES CRACK)
- (BOTH PANTING)
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
- Is he dead?
- I don't know.
(SHOUTS) Are you dead?
Oh, yeah, he's very not alive.
Not alive. Oh, boy.
- Yes! You k*lled him!
- Yeah!
Yeah, I k*lled
him! I k*lled him!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, my God, I k*lled a man.
I k*lled a man. No.
- (GASPING)
- How do you feel?
I feel... Oh, my
God. I feel horrible.
- Yeah.
- But excited.
You know, like, happy.
Like I'm gonna sh*t my pants.
- Yeah.
- You know, like,
but in a good way. You know?
DARCY: Huh.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna go to prison.
- I'm gonna...
- No!
- Yeah.
- No. It was... It...
It was self-defense. He
was trying to k*ll us.
Any court would...
Any court...
Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine.
It's just, you know,
I looked over there
and I saw all the blood.
And, you know, I think
I saw some brain.
- Was that brain stuff?
- Yeah. Yeah.
And so I'm just gonna
look up at the sky
and... so I don't pass out.
Okay. Well, you know
what? Maybe we should...
- (HUFFING)
- Let's just step away
from the scene.
- And don't look down.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Just don't look down.
PIRATE LEADER: They
should be here by now.
Head up the road.
- Check on them.
- PIRATE 3: Yeah.
(BREATHING THROUGH TEETH)
All right. We need to
get off this island.
Well, it might help that
I got this grenade for us.
I mean, he was trying to
blow us up, but I got it.
I got it. Another
point for Darcy.
(BLOWS SHARPLY)
Okay, Darcy.
Uh...
Do you remember
that time that we were
driving down the highway
and you very calmly
told me to pull over?
And you waited
until we pulled over
to tell me that there was
a giant spider on my head?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, well, that was very smart.
Because if you had
told me before,
I might have panicked
and crashed the car.
Wait. Is there a
spider on my head?
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
No, no. I tell you
this story because...
I don't want you to panic
when I tell you what
I'm about to tell you.
Your grenade doesn't have a pin.
- What does that mean?
- Well...
Well, is it... is it...
is it gonna explode?
No, no, no, no,
no. No, no, no.
Hold it exactly how you're
holding it. Good. Good.
- Okay. Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
That pin holds the handle on.
But when you let
go of the grenade,
the handle pops off,
which lights the fuse, and
the whole thing goes...
boom.
(WHISPERS) How do you know
so much about grenades?
Video games.
So what should I do?
Should... Should I throw it?
Well, my concern is
that you won't be able
to throw it far enough
to not blow us up.
- No offense.
- God.
So, what, I just... I just
hold this live grenade?
This grenade is just
part of my life now?
Yeah, for now, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, here's the plan.
We're gonna get a knife.
- Okay. All right.
- I'm gonna cut
through these ties,
we're gonna get rid
of that grenade,
and then we're gonna
head down to the docks.
We're gonna bum-rush
the pirate guarding it,
hop in a boat, and head to
the next island for help.
- Okay?
- Tom, that plan...
(SIGHS) Has too many
steps. I see that now.
(SIGHS) Now, you
got a simpler one?
- Yes. Yes.
- What?
- Yes. Okay.
- What are you doing?
Get down here. Found it.
- Found it. Yes.
- What are we doing?
- Right here.
- What are we doing?
- (LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)
- Oh.
Oh.
Find cell service.
Call for help.
When did you put that
in your underwear?
(CHUCKLES)
Right before the pirates
took us out of the cabana.
Because I'm a
sneaky little b*tch.
Oh, you are a
sneaky little b*tch.
- Thank you.
- (SIGHS)
- Okay.
- Let's start walking.
DARCY: Sneaky.
Sneaky little b*tch.
You're testing my
patience, Robert!
Look, you want my money?
I want my daughter.
- It's a simple negotiation.
- PIRATE LEADER: Enough!
All right.
CAROL: They're
bringing him back.
PIRATE LEADER: Move.
SEAN: Robert. What
happened? Are you okay?
They didn't hurt you, did they?
Well, I'm not giving them a dime
till I know my daughter's alive.
That didn't go over very well.
I'm afraid they're gonna
start sh**ting the hostages.
SEAN: I don't think
they're gonna do that.
HARRIETT: Isn't that
exactly what pirates do?
Come out, Mr. Pirate Man!
My name
is Carol Elaine Fowler,
and I deserve to live.
Carol, what are you doing?
(WHISPERING) I'm
humanizing myself.
(IN NORMAL TONE) I saw it
on Good Morning America.
If you humanize yourself
to them, they let you live.
I am a wife. I am a mother.
And I was Milford,
Michigan's top realtor
in 1998,
and again in 2007.
I dream of going to Ireland.
I was a late bloomer
and my teeth didn't
come in till I was 14.
Please pick me.
My name is Jeannie Reed.
I am a devoted mother
and a slightly
less devoted wife.
This is my first
vacation without my kids,
so I drank a lot of champagne
before the ceremony,
took a couple of weed gummies,
and the combination is
really k*lling me right now.
I'm Amanda Walker.
I'm a godmother and
a woman in tech.
- I went to...
- I am Renata.
I'm from Brazil.
I have beautiful hair.
Yeah. Very beautiful.
What else?
You're a mother.
I am a mother.
My name is Ricky Silver.
A lot of my friends,
they're pairing up,
and they're getting married
and drinking loose-leaf
tea and sh*t.
And I'm still single.
But last night...
I made love to a gorgeous
and terrifying woman.
You think I'm terrifying?
You scare the sh*t out of me.
(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm Larry Fowler.
(MUSIC HALTS)
Oh...
Thank you.
- Oh.
- JEANNIE: Oh, easy, Dad.
- Hold the phone. Yes.
- TOM: How am I gonna...
- Hold it steady.
- DARCY: Hold it. Hold on.
I just gotta get this
thing out of my head.
It's driving me crazy. (SIGHS)
- Wait. Hold on. Just wait.
- What are you...
What are you... Are you
stuffing a loose wad
of hair in my pocket?
Yes. A loose wad
of very expensive,
custom-made hair that
I would like to keep.
If we survive.
(LAUGHING)
What's so funny?
- I've just been...
- Ow, ow, ow!
Questioning everything lately.
What if the wedding's
not perfect?
What if your parents
never like me?
What does life look
like after baseball?
But not once did I wonder
if I'd be walking handcuffed
through the jungle
with a live grenade.
Oh. Pirates chasing you
wasn't on your vision board?
Well, you were the only
thing on my vision board.
(DARCY GRUNTS)
- (DARCY YELPS)
- (GRUNTS)
- I got it, I got it, I got it.
- Oh! Oh!
- You got it? You got it?
- I got it. I got it.
- Okay. I got it.
- Oh, good. Okay. Oh. (PANTING)
- We have a bar.
- Oh, good.
All right.
- Keep your hands with me.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Call for help.
Yes. sh*t! It's gone.
- (GROANS)
- TOM: Well, keep trying.
- I think, maybe...
- We have to go higher.
- What?
- Yes.
Not... No. No, no, no.
Uh, I don't like higher.
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah, I don't... I don't think
this thing is built to code.
- Tom.
- Anything?
No. Come on.
- Yeah.
- We're almost at the top.
Maybe we should go back down
so we're not up so high.
Don't think about the heights
right now. Okay? We're safe.
Yeah. You use the word
"safe" very loosely.
Oh, my God.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- Full service. Full service.
- Oh, yes.
- I have full service.
- (CHIMING CONTINUES)
TOM: Whoa, whoa,
whoa. Silence it.
- (WHISPERS) I'm trying.
- (TOM SHUSHES)
- (CHIMING CONTINUES)
- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
Your group chat
is out of control.
I will not apologize for
having enthusiastic friends.
- (g*nshots)
- (BOTH YELP)
Oh! You dropped it.
- DARCY: Come on!
- (g*nshots CONTINUE)
- We gotta zip.
- Zip?
What do you mean, "zip"?
- Oh! Zip. Oh, God!
- (g*nsh*t)
Go, go, go.
No, I don't think we have
the proper equipment.
- (g*nsh*t)
- Well, they have g*ns.
TOM: Is there some
kind of a manual?
PIRATE 3: Come down!
TOM: We need helmets. I see
lots of helmets in the photos.
(DARCY GRUNTS)
And then why do
they look scared?
DARCY: Stop thinking
so much. Jump!
(TOM SCREAMING)
- Stop screaming!
- Oh, God! Oh, my God!
Whoa!
Tom, don't let go.
- (g*nshots)
- The f*ck!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
TOM: Hold on, baby. Hold on.
Okay.
(TOM SCREAMING)
(GRENADE CLATTERS)
PIRATE 4: Uh...
- Yeah! (LAUGHS)
- DARCY: Yeah!
PIRATE LEADER: What
the hell was that?
- (DARCY SCREAMING)
- (LAUGHING)
(TOM SCREAMING)
DARCY: Oh, God!
- DARCY: Oh, God!
- How do we land this thing?
Me first. I'm gonna go first.
- What about me?
- No, let me. Me first.
I'm gonna jump.
I'm gonna jump.
- TOM: Okay, okay.
- I got it. I got it.
Here I go!
(DARCY GROANS)
TOM: Oh! (GROANING)
(TOM PANTING)
(SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
PIRATE LEADER: These
people are sick.
You find them, but I k*ll them.
(RUSTLING)
PIRATE 2: You
can have the man,
but the bride is mine.
DARCY: Police, coast guard,
they're all right there.
- How do we get across?
- I don't know.
CAROL: Okay, let's
all go around
and play two truths and a lie.
PIRATE: Be quiet!
- Carol.
- Mom.
- DARCY: Easy.
- (MUMBLES)
Okay, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
DARCY: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. (CRYING)
I'm gonna fix this.
DARCY: My poor mom.
She thought she
was gonna be able
to avoid my dad all weekend.
My mom used to love
my dad so much.
He was her whole world.
Then when he left,
she just lost her joy.
I mean, she acts tough, but...
she never really recovered.
- Darcy, I'm sorry...
- I know.
We have to keep moving.
(BOTH GASP)
(AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHISPERING) What the
hell does that mean?
(WHISPERING) Kitchen.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- (TOM GRUNTS)
Okay, we need to find a knife.
- Oh. Mmm.
- What... What...
What are you doing?
I'm starving. Have
you eaten today?
No, I'm not hungry.
Yes, you are. You're
acting cranky.
- Mmm. Mmm! Mmm.
- DARCY: Mmm.
- Mmm, this is so delicious.
- (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
(DARCY GASPS)
(WHISPERING) I love your mom.
Okay, come on.
Come on. Ow! Easy, easy.
I can't cut with one hand.
Well, I can't cut with no hands.
We need to find something else.
Okay?
Something that cuts
through plastic.
Hmm...
Yep.
(WHIRRING)
- Is this a bad idea?
- Yeah.
- You ready?
- No!
Okay.
(MUMBLES) There you go.
(LOUDLY) Hang on,
hang on, hang on!
(GROANS) Darcy,
you're stalling.
- I know.
- We got this.
- Okay. Yes.
- We got this.
- On my count. Ready?
- Okay.
- Yes.
- Ten, nine, eight...
Why are you counting from ten?
What is this, a rocket launch?
Okay, fine. On four.
One, two, three...
No one goes on four.
- No one goes on four.
- All right...
Shh! Shh.
- (GRUNTS) Okay.
- Just...
- Just like a Band-Aid.
- Fine, fine.
- Ready? Go.
- Like a Band-Aid.
- (MACHINE WHINES)
- (TOM SCREAMS)
- (GROANING)
- (DARCY SCREAMS)
(BLOOD DRIPPING)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
(SQUEALS)
(GROANS) Oh, my God.
Come on. (GRUNTS)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
- (SIZZLING)
- (LIQUID BOILING)
(c*ck g*n)
Tom!
(SOFTLY) Tom.
- (DISH CLANGS)
- (TOM GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(PIRATE GRUNTS)
(SQUEAKING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(PIRATE SCREAMS)
(PIRATE YELLS)
(TOM PANTING)
(CONTINUES PANTING)
I thought you left.
What?
No.
Never.
Where'd your mom's knife go?
Oh, Jesus, help me.
(SIGHS IN RELIEF) That's good.
Throw me those boots.
(ROUSING MUSIC PLAYING)
What?
That dress is growing on me.
Thanks.
I wanted something
less traditional.
(WHIRRING)
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
Yes. Maybe Margy's got a
hard line to the Internet.
Wow, does Margy love corgis.
No. Damn it.
PIRATE 2: You go over
there, I'll go here.
- PIRATE 5: Yeah.
- They're right there.
- What do I do?
- I don't know.
I don't know.
- (TOM GASPS)
- (SHUSHES)
- Oh, Margy.
- This way.
TOM: Go, go, go.
Okay. I got you.
DARCY: It's okay. It's okay.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Come. Faster, faster.
Ace, Margy...
- Is this your bunker?
- ACE: Uh-huh.
- Man cave.
- Is it spinning?
Is it spinning for anyone else?
You're losing blood. Sit down.
- Sit down. Okay.
- Bandages. Ace.
ACE: I'll get the medical kit.
Give me your hand.
I'm gonna wrap it.
No. No, no, no. No.
Are you sure? It's disgusting.
Yeah.
Oh. Cheers.
(SHUDDERS) Okay.
(GROANS) Looks like
it's got a flap.
It's got a loose flap.
- Listen, just be...
- DARCY: Mm-hmm.
Just... Just be
careful with the flap.
Please stop saying "flap," okay?
I'm totally fine.
Just don't say flap.
- MARGY: How many are there?
- Uh...
Two in the lobby.
Couple more by the
pool with the hostages.
And, uh, one by the dock, right?
But we got four.
What do you mean, "got"?
Got them to stop, you know,
being alive.
Holy sh*t.
TOM: Well, yeah, we didn't
see any of your staff, though.
I saw them getting
locked up in the spa.
They never bother
with the locals.
Americans are the rich
idiots. No offense.
I just don't understand why
the pirates are still here.
Last time, they just
looted the rooms.
Twenty minutes, gone. (SIGHS)
What do you mean, "last time"?
Last year. (SPEAKING FILIPINO)
(IN ENGLISH) Two thousand
islands in the Philippines,
and they hit us twice?
- It's not fair.
- Wait, wait.
The pirates were
here last summer?
And you let us have
our wedding here?
What? Tom-Tom.
We talked about it, huh?
You knew about this?
Well, first of all, nobody
got k*lled last summer.
And we both agreed that
the chances of it happening
again were very small.
- Who's "we"?
- Me and Margy.
We e-mailed a lot,
and I asked a lot of
tough questions, didn't I?
How could you not
tell me about this?
You didn't tell me that
you were having doubts
about getting married, so...
Yeah, you're right.
I didn't. You know why?
Because all last year,
you were in your head
about everything.
You thought my dad
didn't like you,
so you started acting all weird.
And now my dad doesn't like you.
You thought the Robins
were gonna drop you.
And then you started
playing badly,
and they did drop
you. You think
that something bad
is gonna happen,
and then you make it happen.
That's called self-sabotage.
It is. Ace, thank you.
And all you were excited
about was this wedding.
And I knew that if I told
you that I was having doubts,
that you would sabotage
our whole relationship.
Which you did anyway!
I didn't sabotage anything.
I tried to make this
wedding perfect.
And it all got ruined the
day your boy Sean showed up.
This has nothing
to do with Sean.
This is about your insecurities.
And this whole wedding
was your way of trying to
get control of your life,
because you have to
control everything.
It's like when you
get out of the car
to "help me" parallel park,
when I can do it
just fine on my own.
Yeah, I wouldn't call a
17-point turn "just fine."
Well, those jeans you bought
from Old Navy last month
were women's jeans.
Uh...
Well, I found them
in the men's section.
They made you look
like Stevie Nicks.
That haircut that you got
last year, I hated it.
It made your head look square.
You looked like a
f*cking Simpson.
You said it was chic.
You act so confident,
so strong, but you're
just a scared little girl.
You're afraid to go all
in on this relationship
because it means you might
have something to lose.
(BREATH TREMBLING)
Well, you know what? None
of it matters anyway.
Because everyone
we love could die.
Because of me.
(MARGY GASPS)
(TOM SHUSHES)
(RADIO CRACKLES)
PIRATE 2: I think they're
in the manager's house.
(ALL GASP)
- (DOOR CREAKS)
- (SHUSHES)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(FOOTSTEPS OVERHEAD)
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
(WHISPERING) I
think they heard it.
(WHISPERING) Why?
They stopped speaking English.
Here. Take it.
MARGY: (WHISPERING)
Don't. Tom.
We need to get out of here.
Where does this tunnel go?
It leads straight to the pool
where the rest of
the pirates are.
Oh, that's not ideal.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
What are they saying?
No clue.
I don't know what
language that is,
but it ain't Filipino.
- No.
- No.
No one move. Stay right here.
Nobody move.
DARCY: What are you doing?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay.
They know someone's here,
but they don't
know all of us are.
You stay here until it's over.
Tom!
Tom! They're gonna k*ll you.
- Don't do this.
- TOM: I have to.
This isn't about us
anymore. This is...
(SIGHS) This whole
thing is my fault.
You deserve better.
Wait, Tom!
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
Uh... Oh, hey.
Hey, pirates!
I'm Tom, the groom you
guys have been looking for,
and I am officially
surrendering.
- PIRATE 2: Shut up!
- TOM: All right.
What, you don't like
to be called "pirates"?
I wanted to be a pirate
when I was a kid,
and you guys are
actually doin' it.
- PIRATE 2: Move.
- TOM: You're livin' the dream.
Congratulations.
They didn't k*ll
him. Oh, my God.
He's still alive.
PIRATE 2: Go!
Keep going. Just move.
CAROL: Tommy. Oh, my
God. It's Tommy. Tommy!
- (ALL CLAMORING)
- Shut up!
- Tommy, where is Darcy?
- Shut up!
PIRATE LEADER: Yes.
Where is your bride?
- I... I don't know.
- (STAPLER CLICKS)
Truly. Honestly.
I... I... I don't.
For reals. I don't... I
don't... I don't know.
You're a bad liar.
Yeah, he is a bad liar.
SEAN: Tom, if you
know something,
the best thing you
can do is cooperate.
All they want is the money.
You know what?
Thank you, Sean,
as always, for being
the voice of reason.
Enough!
- (g*ns c*ck)
- (GUESTS GASP)
- Okay, fine!
- LARRY: Okay.
I'll tell you where she is.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHISPERS) Katuk kak ci.
- PIRATE LEADER: What?
- (GRUNTS)
(GUESTS EXCLAIM)
Holy sh*t. What
did you say to him?
TOM: It's kind of an
inside joke, Sean.
Can you give me a hand?
I'm a little woozy.
SEAN: 'Course, man.
Here, I got you.
- Whoa, whoa! Whoa!
- (ALL SCREAMING)
- (g*n c*ck)
- What the hell are you doing?
Don't move or I swear to
God, you'll lose an eye.
Tommy, what are you doing?
Are you gonna spill
the beans or should I?
What beans?
(CRYING) Just spill the beans.
Sean hired these guys
to invade our wedding
to take Robert's money!
SEAN: Whoa. No,
no, no, no, Tom.
No, it's true.
SEAN: That is a
serious accusation,
but it's okay,
'cause jealousy can get
the best of any of us.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not jealous.
- (GUESTS MURMUR)
- RENATA: Kind of.
It is completely normal for
you to see me as a threat
because Deedee and I
- had something transcendent.
- (SCOFFS)
But I am not a bad guy.
And I definitely don't have
anything to do
with these pirates.
Oh, yeah? Then
why did he deck me
when I told him to
go f*ck his grandpa?
Just listen.
Listen to yourself.
I said it in Balinese.
These guys are not local.
They're from Bali.
Margy said the local pirates
just looted and left last time.
It took 'em, like, 20 minutes.
Oh, God. "Last time"?
We were clearly targeted.
This whole thing was planned.
They knew about Robert's money.
And none of it made
sense until I found this.
(SEAN GRUNTING)
Ricky, grab my...
Grab the... the...
- RICKY: Yeah, yeah.
- In my front pocket. Grab...
There's an envelope
in my front pocket.
- (ALL EXCLAIMING)
- Just grab it!
There you go.
A-ha!
PIRATE LEADER:
Slow, slow. Go slow.
(TOM LAUGHS)
Your wedding invitation?
TOM: Yes, but I got it
off of one of these guys.
Now, how did they
get that invitation?
- CAROL: I don't know.
- LARRY: Uh...
It had to be given to
him by an invited guest.
Now, what invited guest
could that be? Huh?
Ricky, op... open it.
A-ha!
This asshat thought
it was appropriate
to show up to a wedding
he didn't RSVP to!
He didn't RSVP!
Mom, that's not the
main issue right now.
Look, I'm a mother.
I can be upset
about a lot of things
at the same time.
I think, right now, we should
be upset about one thing.
- Oh, okay.
- TOM: Sean...
had these guys crash our wedding
so that he could
get a big fat ransom
from his best friend, Robert.
(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)
Huh? Yeah!
- SEAN: Bob... Bob.
- TOM: Yes!
This is because
I didn't give you
that investment money
you wanted, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- No, no, it's not like that.
- (EXCLAIMS IN SPANISH)
- How could... Papi.
How could you believe
that I would come
here and betray ev...
TOM: Believe it,
Robert. Believe it.
- That's right. That's right.
- sh*t.
- (GRUNTS)
- (ALL GASP)
(GUESTS CLAMORING)
See? See, I told
ya! I told ya!
MARGY: These lanterns
are so intricate.
Is there a note in it?
"Be excellent to each other."
- ACE: Hmm.
- MARGY: Hmm. Huh.
(WHEEZING CRY)
It's from Bill and Ted's
Excellent Adventure.
Tom wanted to put a movie quote
in each one of the
lanterns, and I...
I thought it was
stupid, but it's not.
It's sweet.
And I messed it all up.
I don't know how you guys do it.
You must have something
really special. (SNIFFLES)
- Not really.
- Oi.
Uh, I mean, it is special
but it is not magic.
We just made a vow.
And we've messed things
up thousands of times.
But when we break
something, we fix it.
(PATTING MARGY)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
MARGY: Darcy, we
come with you,
but we don't want to.
Tommy finally made
the big leagues.
Yeah, I never heard
that one before.
I know you haven't.
- Where is she?
- I don't know.
I don't... I... I
don't... I don't know.
- You're lying.
- No, I'm... I'm... Honestly,
- I don't know.
- Okay.
- (GRUNTS)
- (GUESTS EXCLAIMING)
God damn it!
- Would you stop doing that?
- CAROL: Yeah.
- He'll do it again.
- TOM: Fine. Fine.
I was lying.
(GUESTS AGREEING)
After we cut ourselves loose,
Darcy and I got into a fight.
She hopped in a golf cart to
go look for cell reception
up by the northern coast near
the cliffs, and then I...
I came back here to
try to rescue everyone.
RICKY: Come on!
Okay.
(SIGHS)
PIRATE LEADER: We'll take
the chopper to find her.
I'm comin' with you.
I've been watching you
mess this up all day.
This is my show now.
(MOUTHING) Wow,
that's really good.
We're doing this my
way now. You got it?
We need collateral.
(UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING)
Get the girlfriend.
- (ALL CLAMORING)
- PIRATE 1: Hey. Come.
- Here. Move!
- Ow! Hey.
Oh, no.
- PIRATE 1: Go. Move!
- Please, I'm a Gemini.
I bruise easily.
- PIRATE 1: Go!
- HARRIETT: Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Oh, my God!
- SEAN: Robert? Robert!
When I get back, that money
better be in my account.
And if it's not, she's dead.
And I treated you
just like a son.
- You're stuck with Tommy now.
- Robert.
- Well, what's wrong with that?
- f*ck off.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
- (IMPERCEPTIBLE)
(SOFT THUD)
(THUD)
(PIRATES CHATTERING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- (c*ck g*n)
- (ALL EXCLAIMING)
Darcy...
Tom,
you promised you wouldn't
leave my side this weekend.
Darcy, what are you doing?
Tom, listen.
I'm still mad at you for
picking this pirate island,
but I messed up too.
I should've told you
how scared I was to get married.
That wasn't fair.
You worked so hard on this
pirate island wedding.
Okay, no, no, no. Please
stop calling it that.
I just worried
that if I told you,
that I would lose you.
And I can't lose you.
I need you.
Okay?
(SHOUTS) Okay?
- (ALL CLAMOR)
- Okay.
- Okay.
- TOM: Okay.
This is so much better
than South Pacific.
And Mom, Dad?
- (ALL EXCLAIMING)
- (JAMIE SCREAMS)
Whoa!
- RICKY: Babe.
- What the f*ck?
Did you just sh**t me?
Stop sh**ting your sister!
I didn't mean to. It
was a mistake. I...
(ALL GASP)
Mom, Dad, apologize to Tom.
- What? Why?
- What?
For criticizing this beautiful
wedding that he planned,
and for never making him
feel welcome in our family.
And for inviting
Sean to our wedding.
Okay, honey, but I think there's
- a more pressing issue...
- Apologize!
- (ALL EXCLAIMING)
- He is the best person
that I know.
And if you say one more
bad thing about him,
I swear I will sh**t
you like I shot Jamie.
Tom, I'm sorry. Sorry.
- Tom, sorry. Sorry.
- We love you.
- Oh, hey, it's fine.
- You're the best person
- I've ever met.
- TOM: It's okay. I love you.
- We love you like family.
- I love you, too.
- All right. It's all good.
- I love this place. Beautiful.
And, Carol, Larry...
- (ALL GASP)
- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
This was more about
me and my family,
but we should get
lunch sometime.
- I would...
- Oh, yeah,
- lunch sounds great. Yeah.
- We love eating.
It's hard for anyone to live
up to your perfect marriage.
(CHUCKLES) Who told you
we had a perfect marriage?
TOM: Oh, come on, Mom.
You guys fought, like, once.
It was about who
loved the dog more.
I mean, what is not perfect
about your marriage?
Well, I made love
to your Aunt Marie.
- (ALL EXCLAIMING)
- RICKY: What?
- LARRY: Yeah.
- CAROL: Then I went out
and started doing all
this weird sex stuff
with Jim Roberts.
LARRY: Yeah. You
and Jim Roberts
- went on for a couple months.
- CAROL: Yes.
- Because our bodies just fit.
- MAN: Holy...
CAROL: In the end, Jim
Roberts just wasn't your dad.
And Aunt Marie realized that
she had a sex addiction.
But then you know
what? We worked it out.
These are some
incredible breakthroughs,
- right? I mean...
- PIRATE 2: Give me that!
(ALL SCREAMING)
You remember me, huh?
Look, you burn my face. Huh?
Yes, I know. I still feel
really bad about that.
Everybody, in the pool! Now!
- (FIRES g*n)
- (ALL SCREAMING)
Get in the pool! In!
Go! Go!
(TOM PANTING)
- Hey, you okay?
- Yes.
- Yeah?
- Are we missing people?
Yeah. Turns out your
boy Sean's an as*h*le.
We have the bride.
- (HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
- (ON RADIO) Do you copy?
Do you copy?
Up! Up!
- (INDISTINCT TALKING)
- Listen to me. Move.
Balinese? So these
guys are Balinese?
And Sean is full of sh*t,
and they took Harriett hostage?
It doesn't make sense.
Why would Sean take Harriett
hostage on the helicopter
when she was already
being held hostage here?
I don't know. Maybe he wanted
to take her extra hostage.
LARRY: I think
Harriett is in on it.
- TOM: What?
- DARCY: What do you mean?
Harriett and Sean
are boyfriend-girlfriend.
- Oh, come on.
- Boyfriend-girlfriend?
LARRY: No, no. Look.
This is from last night.
Here we go. (GRUNTS)
(LATIN DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Let's see.
Uh, hold on. Let me find it.
Oh. Oh, boy.
Yeah. There you go.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
What? Go ahead. Say it.
Roberto...
Lo siento.
Gracias.
De nada.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
PIRATE LEADER: There!
Sean, you promised this
job would make us rich.
So far, all it's done is
k*lled four of my men.
Man, you know we can fix this.
Deal is off. I keep the money.
You walk away with your life.
I don't wanna hear it. You
and I had an arrangement.
Sean, be reasonable.
He saved us.
- We're lucky to be alive.
- What are you talking about?
Listen to your woman.
- (YELPS)
- Oh.
It's okay. It's just
a pressure point.
Relax.
Just breathe into it.
What?
What?
Take us back down.
We'll finish the job ourselves.
- Babe.
- What?
- Excellent idea.
- Yeah, I know.
(SCREAMS) I have to
do everything myself!
What are we gonna do?
They'll be back any minute.
- Just...
- PIRATE 2: Hey, hey, hey!
No whispers. Or I throw
grenade in the pool.
(WHISPERING) Okay.
Go with me, okay?
Just go with me.
(IN NORMAL TONE)
Hey, everybody.
Look, I know this may
not be the best time,
but this may be our only
chance to have our wedding.
What do you say, Darcy?
Yeah, I... I love it.
Can... Can we do
bride's side on the left
and groom's on the right?
(ALL AGREEING)
Hey, Margy, will you officiate?
PIRATE 2: Hey, will you
stop? Stop it! Stop it now!
ROBERT: Wait, wait. If...
If you let my daughter
have her wedding,
I'll... I'll
release the funds.
Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
Thanks, Dad.
It's okay, princess.
There are some things that
are more important than money.
I don't know what they
are, but I think, uh...
(DARCY SIGHS)
Hope you know what you're doing.
(CAROL HUMS)
♪ The strands in your eyes
♪ They color them wonderful
♪ Stops me and steals my breath
BOTH: ♪ Emeralds from mountains
♪ Thrust from the sky
♪ Never revealing their depth
♪ And tell me
♪ We belong together
♪ Dress it up With
the trappings of love
♪ I'll be captivated
♪ I'll hang from your lips
♪ Instead of the gallows
♪ Of heartaches
That hang from above
♪ And I'll be Your
cryin' shoulder
♪ I'll be love's suicide
♪ And I'll be Better
when I'm older
♪ I'll be the greatest
Fan of your life
♪ I'll be Your cryin' shoulder
♪ I'll be Love's suicide
- ♪ And I'll be -
RENATA: ♪ I'll be
♪ Better when I'm older
♪ I'll be the greatest
Fan of your life
♪ I'll be ♪
(CLAMORING)
(CAROL SCREAMING)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- (c*ck g*n)
I think you'd regret that.
(ALL GASP)
PIRATE 2: Oh! No, no. Stop.
I'm fairly new to grenades.
But I'm pretty sure
that if you sh**t me,
this springy thing pops off,
and then this thing
blows us all away.
- Ain't that right, babe?
- That's right, baby.
- PIRATE 2: No, no, no.
- WOMAN: What the...
Drop the g*ns.
- PIRATE 2: No.
- (GRUNTS)
(ALL SCREAMING AND CLAMORING)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
I can't throw that far.
It won't reach him.
(c*ck g*n)
Nobody f*ck with my family.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
TOM: Darcy?
Give me a meatball.
- (g*n CLICKS)
- sh*t.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(FIREWORKS WHISTLING)
I know where to go!
Let's get moving!
Out of the pool!
- TOM: Yeah!
- Come on! Come, come, come!
DARCY: Get out of
the pool! Come on!
- TOM: Yeah, let's go.
- ACE: Margy! The spa!
DARCY: It's safe in the spa!
HARRIETT: They should've been
k*lling hostages every hour.
k*lling people works, Sean.
- f*ck.
- Look, give me one chance
to convince Darcy.
- All right? One.
- Fine. One chance.
Thank you, baby.
This is not a moment
right now, Sean.
- Move, come on! Come on!
- PIRATE: All right!
Mom! Mom, we're
gonna go get help.
I need you to take care
of them. Can you do that?
And Carol...
thank you for the cake knife.
I f*cking love this cake knife.
(CAROL CHUCKLES)
It's just you and
me now. Let's go.
♪ Yeah
♪ Yeah, me in awe of you now
♪ Hmm
- ♪ This song call
- ♪ Unconditional
- ♪ This show no
devotion - ♪ Devotion
♪ Got my heart so wide open
♪ Lifting my spirit
Like a Holy Ghost
- ♪ All this - ♪
All this love, love
- ♪ No ordinary love
- ♪ Ordinary love
♪ Yeah
♪ La, la, la, la La-la-la-la
(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS)
♪ Ah, la, la, la,
la La-la-la-la
♪ La, la, la, la La-la-la-la
♪ La, la, la, la
La-la-la-la-love
♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la
♪ La, la, la, la La-la-la-la ♪
(IMPERCEPTIBLE)
(THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ I need you in my arm
♪ Yeah, yeah
♪ Hey
♪ All this no ordinary love
♪ Love, love, love, love
♪ Yeah ♪
TOM: Hey, wasn't this the
plan with too many steps?
You did this for me?
TOM: Is this what you wanted?
Just you and me in the
middle of the ocean?
Darcy, I'm sorry I
stopped listening to you.
I just thought that if I
planned the perfect wedding,
we could have the
perfect marriage, but...
But that doesn't exist.
I mean, look at my parents.
My Aunt Marie, the sex addict.
I just wanna be with you.
All that matters is you.
We don't ever have
to get married.
And if we survive this
thing, can we just...
Can we start over?
- (g*nshots)
- (DARCY SCREAMS)
TOM: Go, go, go, go.
SEAN: Deedee, listen to me!
Deedee, this is a huge
misunderstanding, all right?
Let's go back to the resort,
talk this over. I do
not want to hurt you.
Then stop sh**ting
at us, as*h*le!
And stop calling her Deedee!
- DARCY: f*ck!
- Oh, Jesus!
This thing is awful!
(SCREAMING) Yeah!
as*h*le! f*ck'
leave! What the f*ck?
God, I can't believe you, Sean!
When did you turn
into such a monster?
SEAN: I am not a monster!
I'm an entrepreneur!
I think I'm out of a*mo.
- Are you sure?
- Not at all.
Hey.
- Yeah.
- SEAN: I don't wanna do this.
- (g*nsh*t)
- I'm a good guy, damn it!
(g*nshots)
- (g*n CLICKING)
- sh*t.
SEAN: Your boat's dead.
We're both out of a*mo.
Let's just go back
and we can work this
whole thing out.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(GRUNTS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(ENGINE STARTS)
DARCY: Tom!
(TOM GRUNTS)
TOM: Go, go!
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(SEAN YELLS)
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
Darcy, turn this boat
around right now.
DARCY: No.
You're a piece of sh*t, Sean,
but I know you can't k*ll me.
You're right.
But I would love
to k*ll this guy.
You just keep messing things
up, man. This is on you.
I don't wanna do
this. I'm a good guy.
No, you're not.
All right, you're
right. I'm not.
(DARCY SHRIEKS)
(TOM GASPS)
- (ENGINE REVS)
- (SEAN SCREAMS)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(WHIMPERS)
Sean!
(GRUNTING CONTINUES)
You were a pity invite!
- (DARCY GRUNTS)
- sh*t!
Whoa! Whoa!
No! f*ck!
(GROANS)
(SEAN AND TOM GRUNTING)
(TOM SCREAMS)
(YELPS)
- (g*nsh*t)
- (YELPS)
Is that a wad of loose hair?
TOM: Custom-made hair!
(TOM GRUNTS)
(HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(GASPS)
(TOM LAUGHS)
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
- Get down!
- (SCREAMS)
Oh, frick.
(SEAN SCREAMS)
TOM: Hold on.
Oh, sh*t.
(DARCY SHRIEKS)
(ENGINE WHINES)
(DARCY GASPS)
Holy sh*t.
(EXHILARATING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
So when I asked you before
if we could start over...
I don't wanna start over.
I wanna keep going.
(TENDER MUSIC PLAYING)
Tom Fowler,
will you marry me?
Are you sure?
You're not scared?
I'm terrified.
(BREATH TREMBLING)
Life is always gonna be chaotic.
But what I know for sure...
is that I wanna go through
all of it with you.
It's simple,
really. (SNIFFLES)
Just a plan with one step.
Still fits.
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
JAMIE: (SOFTLY)
Stop. Be quiet.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
- (FIREWORK EXPLODING)
- (ALL SCREAMING)
sh*t! Sorry! Sorry!
There was one firework left
and I thought it would be fun,
and beautiful, and poignant,
- but it was absolutely not!
- (LAUGHING)
- (MARGY LAUGHS)
- Come here.
(PUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(FAST-FORWARDING)
♪ All the old
paintings On the tomb
♪ They do the sand
dance, Don't you know
♪ If you move too fast
ALL: ♪ Oh-way-oh
♪ They're falling
down Like a domino
♪ All the bazaar
men By the Nile
♪ They got the money on a bet
♪ Gold crocodiles
ALL: ♪ Oh-way-oh
♪ They snap their
teeth On your cigarette
♪ Foreign types With
the hookah pipes say
ALL: ♪ Way-oh-way-oh
♪ Way-oh-way-oh
♪ Walk like an Egyptian
(ALL CHEERING)
♪ The blonde waitresses
Take their trays
♪ They spin around And
they cross the floor
♪ They've got the moves
ALL: ♪ Oh-way-oh
♪ All the school
kids So sick of books
♪ They like the punk
And the metal band
♪ I do not know what to do
♪ I drank so much
Oh, my God, I'm sick
♪ All the kids In
the marketplace say
ALL: ♪ Way-oh-way-oh
♪ Way-oh-way-oh
♪ Walk like an Egyptian
(ALL CHEERING)
♪ I'm down for
the way He feels ♪
(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK)
Whoo!
(WHISTLING VERSE TUNE)
Make sure the batteries work.
I'm so sorry that I invited
two con men to your wedding.
And I don't know if I'm
attracted to toxic people,
or toxic people are
attracted to me.
- (SONG ENDS)
- (ALL CHEERING)
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Welcome to our World! Where we serve you cookies to ensure you get the best viewing experience on our site.
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Shotgun Wedding (2022)
Moderators: Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters, Maskath3, sidolanters, GabrielAlejo2341
Watch on Amazon Merchandise Collectables
Valentine's Day, Hot, Steamy, Sexy, Romantic Movie Collection.
Valentine's Day, Hot, Steamy, Sexy, Romantic Movie Collection.