American Wedding (2003)

[bunniefuu]

(LIGHT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, Michelle, we did it.

Happy graduation.

You know,

living at my parents' house,

that's a temporary thing.

We've been going out for,

what, three years.

You're not,

like, getting bored

with things, are you?

Michelle, I'm gonna

ask you something

that I've never

asked you before.

Is it kinky?

I don't think so. No.

You don't have

to be embarrassed

if you wanna

add more spiciness

to our relationship.

Actually,

maybe you could just,

you know,

use your napkin.

My napkin?

MAN: Mr. Levenstein?

Yes.

You have a phone call.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Hello?

Jim, it's Dad.

You left the ring at home.

The box is empty.

But I'm on my way,

and I've got the ring,

so don't panic, Son.

Okay? Bye.

(PHONE BEEPS OFF)

Who was that?

Uh...

That was my dad.

That was my dad.

He couldn't get through on...

I didn't answer my cell,

so he was

getting all worried.

You know how he is.

(STUTTERING)

But everything is okay now.

Everything is perfectly fine.

I think I know what

you're gonna ask me.

That's okay. I don't

have to use my napkin.

What?

I've got my own techniques.

Michelle, where you going?

Michelle?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Okay.

(BELT UNBUCKLES)

(GROANS)

Michelle. Okay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Michelle.

Psst!

I think you need to stop.

Okay, keep going.

(SHUDDERS)

Oh, my God. Michelle?

Michelle...

(MUMBLES)

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Well, I made it.

Where's Michelle? Washroom?

I was so nervous

she was gonna spot me.

Here's the ring, Son.

Oh!

Let me tell you something.

This is some ring.

Look at the rock

on this baby,

Mr. Big Spender.

I hope you

didn't blow your wad

on this, Son.

Not yet.

Your mother and I

could not be more thrilled

for you, Jim.

I mean, we're so happy.

And I know you're excited,

I can see it in your face.

I mean, you look like

you're ready to burst.

I mean, your cheeks,

they're flush.

I wish your mother

could be here.

Not me.

That's what I wish.

You know, this is one

of those moments, Jim,

that you're gonna remember

for the rest of your life.

Yes, it is.

You bet it is.

I cannot believe my son

is gonna pop the question.

(THUD)

What was that?

That?

Knocking on wood.

What is this...

Popping what? What question?

You're a wreck.

What?

You need some air.

You need some air.

Okay, walk me to my car.

No, I'm not walking...

Listen to me!

It's for your good.

(ALL GASPING)

Dad.

Oh! Son!

My pants!

Your p*nis!

I got my pants, Dad!

What the hell...

(GASPING)

Jeez! God, Dad.

Wear your pants.

I got the pants!

What are you doing?

He had abdominal cramps...

I can explain all this.

Everybody calm

down here, quiet!

Lower your voice.

Disgusting.

Now,

I came here to do something,

(SIGHS) and damn it,

I'm gonna do it.

Michelle?

(CROWD GASPING)

Hello, dear.

Michelle Annabeth Flaherty,

I love you

more than I could

ever explain

at this particular moment.

Dad, the ring.

Oh.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

My son.

I'm the happiest

man in the world.

(CROWD GASPING)

We should all be so happy.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Cheers. Gentlemen.

Sweetheart.

I'm impressed.

Marriage is a binding,

unifying, eternal,

never-ending,

permanent chaining

together of two people.

Jim, have you

thought this through?

Yes.

Finch, thank you.

I had been trying to

figure it out for a while.

You know,

when is the right time?

Is there a right time?

Then finally I realized,

"Duh, you love the girl.

Marry her."

Aw.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

Oh! Let's dance.

Dance? No.

No, you have

to learn sometime.

Come on.

Don't laugh at me.

Yeah, okay.

Just glad that's not me.

Finch,

you don't think

there's one girl

you're destined

to spend your

entire life with?

They're all for me, Kevin.

Not so bad? All right.

Do this.

(GROANS)

I'm sorry.

The wedding should be

rather entertaining.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Bro, that's it?

There's no keg anywhere.

Jim.

Hey, John.

The food and

the drink are really bad.

"F" for presentation.

The good news for you...

What's that?

We're gonna be

ushers at the wedding.

(SIGHS)

This is amazing.

I don't recognize half

the people in this place.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

At least they

all brought gifts.

Hello.

Hello. I'm Mary Flaherty.

Oh! Hello!

Harold Flaherty.

Hi.

How lovely to meet you.

Please come in.

We've been expecting you.

How was your trip?

Delightful.

Who's excited

about the wedding?

Anxious might

be more accurate.

We've never met your son.

You'll get to meet him.

Rudy and Sam would

like to meet him, too.

Better bring them

in from the car.

They've been

cooped up for hours.

For heaven's sake.

You brought your sons?

Our dogs.

We never travel without them.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, honey, why don't

you go get those

critters out of the car

and we'll start

on some c*ck.

Thank you.

I'd love one.

Long trip?

I'll get the dogs.

There's one thing

that'll make this

wedding perfect.

No Stifler.

That's one d*ck

we are not inviting.

Motion seconded.

Motion carried.

So, Finch,

what are you gonna do with

that fancy NYU diploma?

I'll frame it.

Then I'll write my memoirs.

You should come

to law school, man.

You know I could

use the company.

Kids,

Michelle's parents are here.

Come on, we're waiting.

Oh, crumbs on the shirt.

That's bad.

Okay, that's fine.

I'll change. I'll change.

f*ck!

Well, polish my nuts

and serve me a milkshake.

What's up?

That's right.

Oh! Cake?

Hope it's good.

Oh, gee.

Thanks for inviting me

to the graduation party,

f*ck.

(SCOFFS)

Oh! f*cking right, doggy.

That's good cake! Holy sh*t!

Hi. How are you?

Congratulations.

Hey...

(GIGGLES)

"Congratulation, Jism!"

Excuse me. Stifler?

Hey, Jim!

Stifler,

what are you doing here?

Okay, man...

Happy f*ck, assmouth!

Put the cake down.

Check it out.

I made it all by myself.

Cute.

What happened to my invite?

Got lost in the mail,

f*ck?

Quiet!

Bite yourself.

That's what I thought.

I think I can

spell "Cajun Rectum."

Seriously, man.

Oh, Jesus.

Damn it, Stifler.

Jim, look what you did!

Look what I did?

Look at this sh*t!

What am I supposed to do now?

Are you happy now, man?

Why are you here?

My d*ck looks like

a corn dog.

I got cake

all over my ba*ls.

JIM'S MOM: Jim, honey?

sh*t.

The Flahertys are waiting.

Do you think

he's upstairs, honey?

Oh, you're f*cked now, Jim.

(STIFLER CACKLES)

(GROWLING)

(BARKING)

Stifler, get up.

This dog's great!

Is it weird

that it feels good?

(LAUGHING)

All right...

What about the dining room?

I know you'll just love him.

Jesus, Stifler.

Stop enjoying it so much.

Lick it up!

You little sh*t.

Take your pants off, man.

(GASPING)

(SCREAMING)

Good Lord!

Oh, God!

Jim?

No, it's not

what it looks like.

What are you doing, Son?

My dogs!

Don't go in there, darling!

Lord knows what

they'll do to you!

I love this dog!

I was trying to

get him off, Dad.

That is your son?

Back away from the animal.

Mr. And Mrs. Flaherty,

I presume.

STIFLER: Where are you going?

Well, lunch is served.

I really hope (STUTTERING)

That we can all

just forget about this,

and move on, and start again.

Start again fresh.

Jim, if you hope to be

the provider and protector

for our firstborn daughter,

you have a long way to go.

Thank you, sir.

They think

you're an angel

and I'm just some

ungrateful dog r*pist.

They just think they raised

the proper little band girl.

And, besides, sometimes

it's nice to be

more traditional.

How so? How do

you mean traditional?

I'm thinking

about the wedding.

How it's just this one day,

one day where

everyone's eyes are

on me for a change.

I've just never

walked into a room

and had everyone go,

"Ooh" and "Ah"

and "Isn't she elegant?"

That is exactly

how our wedding

is going to be.

I promise.

sh*t. I got a frosted

a*s crack. Hey, Finch?

You want this

for here or to go?

"A witty saying

proves nothing." Voltaire.

"Suck my d*ck." Ron Jeremy.

Boys, anybody seen

the bride's parents?

No? Hmm.

Wait a second.

Come on, Stifler.

This isn't

a graduation party.

It's time to go.

Wait, hold on!

Jim's getting married,

isn't he?

Holy f*cking sh*t!

This is major!

Do you have the slightest idea

how important this is?

We get to have

a bachelor party. Yes!

We celebrate the death of Jim

with a party in his honor.

Chicks and boobs.

t*ts and a*s.

t*tties, ta-tas,

casabas, bazoongas,

all up in our frigging faces!

Come on, buck up, fellows!

Show some enthusiasm!

It's gonna be f*cking great!

Oh, my God!

Finch,

he does make a good point.

Yeah, he does.

You never heard me say that.

I do not deserve

a girl this cool.

Michelle said the wedding

was doable, right?

A wedding. A wedding, yeah.

I promised her her wedding.

You know, the wedding

of her dreams.

Okay, what's the problem?

Dancing.

She's gonna want to dance.

There's that whole tradition.

The first dance

at the reception.

She is gonna wanna dance

Fred Astaire kind of sh*t.

I can't do that.

She learned all

that from band camp.

Okay, so you take lessons,

you know. Right away.

Lessons. Okay.

I have to convince

her parents that

I'm not a shithead.

Yeah, challenging.

Indeed challenging.

But doable. What else?

What else?

I don't know what else.

That's the thing.

She cares

too much to tell me.

She doesn't want me to worry

that she might be worried.

So I'm worried.

Recon.

You mean, like,

spying on Michelle?

Spying is deceitful.

Extra attention

means you're concerned.

This is true.

This is good.

Guys,

here's to the next step.

Shut up with that stepping.

Put your glass down.

(LIGHT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

We'll find a wonderful one

somewhere, I promise.

We'll keep looking.

Is everything okay here?

The study can get a little

chilly sometimes.

You have enough blankets?

We're fine. Thank you.

I was kind of hoping

that someday soon,

we could have a little talk.

I'd really like to tell you

why I think I'll make

a good husband,

whenever you get a chance.

Oh! Why is that?

Come on.

(DOG BARKS)

See, I was saying

that soon we could talk.

(STUTTERING)

This right now is sort

of the preliminary talk

before the future

longer talk,

which would be like a quiet,

a private dinner talk.

(YIPPING)

Let him finish.

(DOG PANTING)

(DOG YIPPING)

I'm talking to you.

(MRS. FLAHERTY SHUSHING)

Okay.

Good talking to you.

No. These aren't gonna work.

Wow!

You guys in

a sporting goods store.

Very good.

Hey, Finch,

I think they got your size.

Oh, beautiful.

Jim needs to learn to

dance for his wedding.

You know,

I think he's screwed.

Of course he's screwed.

He's getting married.

I can't wait to

see this disaster.

What makes you think

you're invited?

(SLURPING)

I already called up

Jim's mom. Got the info.

I'm preparing for

the festivities.

It's time for me to boom-boom

with the bridesmaids,

Finchfucker.

'Cause I'm gonna hang out

with my wang out.

And I'm gonna rock out

with my c*ck out!

Yeah, that's what

I'm talking about.

(LAUGHS)

JIM: All right, Stifler.

This is a little

difficult to explain.

Look, you're okay.

You're okay.

I mean, I like you.

Yeah, great.

You can blow me

after practice.

I'm working, dude.

(YELLING)

Come on! Work it! Hustle!

See, my mom

didn't know that...

Push it! Move it! Come on!

There was a misunderstanding.

You're not invited!

Hold!

Dude, how the hell

do you even think

you're getting married?

I've been looking out

for your sex life

since high school.

You what?

Oh! Oh!

(LAUGHS)

The first t*ts

this guy ever saw

were because of me!

The first girl

he ever hooked up with

was at my party,

at my cottage!

That girl's

the girl he's marrying.

The Stiffman

showed him the way.

Can I get a hallelujah?

Hallelujah, Stifler!

But, my f*ck,

this mofo right here

does not want

the Stifmeister,

the Grand f*cking Facilitator

to attend the wedding.

Who sucks donkey d*ck?

Jim sucks donkey d*ck!

The answer's no, okay?

I'm sorry.

The answer's no.

I can dance.

What?

I can dance.

(ALL CONTINUE CHANTING)

STIFLER:

Five, six, seven, eight...

Okay. What exactly

is this here?

Left box turn.

Left box turn. Okay.

Hi. Stop looking

into my eyes.

Sorry. Sorry.

Now how do you know this?

How do you know

how to do this?

My mom made me take it

for three f*ck' years.

Yeah?

I hated it.

No, you're really good.

You should take

ballet or something.

f*ck!

What part of

"this sucks my a*s"

do you not

under-f*ck'-stand?

This is exactly

what I'm talking about,

Steven.

You can't behave like this.

If you wanna

come to the wedding,

I'm sorry,

you cannot act like this.

Are you saying

I'm impolite or something?

Impolite would

be an improvement.

Look, just try not to be,

you know, you.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

f*ck this sh*t.

It's not worth it.

Wait, Stifler. Hold on.

Okay, what if you planned

the bachelor party?

With a dildo show?

Sure. If you can

find the time to fit it in,

go ahead.

Surprise me.

Sorry, chief.

It only gets

you halfway there.

What do you mean?

I need assurances that

I'm gonna get some quality

action at this wedding.

(STUTTERING) I'm sorry,

I can't make that promise.

Well, let me put it

to you this way, Jimbo.

No p*ssy, no dancing. Okay?

No p*ssy, no dancing.

How's that for polite?

(RAZZING)

(CACKLES)

Jim, your suspicions

are confirmed.

Michelle wants a dress

that she can't get.

The dress she wants is Amsale.

They have a store in Chicago.

If we leave right now,

we can get there by

the time they close.

It's a three-hour drive.

STIFLER:

Three-hour drive?

Kick f*cking a*s!

Are we going to Chicago

to see t*tties?

We are talking about

getting Michelle

a dress in Chicago.

Now, please vanish.

Hey, Finch, what's

the capital of Thailand?

Bang c*ck.

(LAUGHS)

Dude...

Okay, I got shotgun.

(GROANING)

STIFLER: Let's get this

dress sh*t over with.

The strip bar's

got free hot wings

before 7:00.

Now, Jim, let me handle this.

These are my people.

They're g*y?

No, you bleeding imbecile,

they have style.

They're cultured.

They're sophisticated.

So they're g*y.

So, mademoiselle,

I'm sure that

you can appreciate

that monsieur here

is stuck right between

Scylla and Charybdis.

(CHUCKLES)

Yes, I'm afraid

he's no Ulysses.

Okay, what's happening here?

You need to speak

to my dressmaker.

That's who would

actually make the dress,

and I'm afraid Leslie

has gone for the day.

All right, she said

she'd probably be at

one of these bars

here on Halstead.

I say we split up, ask around

for a Leslie Summers.

Right.

Hey there,

sweet little thing.

Hey there,

you sweet manly thing.

You know,

I really love your shirt.

Do I know you?

I'm Jennifer.

Well, Jennifer,

just relax, take it slow,

and let the good times roll,

because Daddy's

a regular here!

Do you wanna get a drink?

You're g*dd*mn right I do.

(WHOOPS)

Two cold ones.

You know, my friend would

really dig your vibe.

Will you wait here?

Sure thing, babe.

Good.

All right.

How you feeling, sexy?

Pretty good.

Whoa! You have a deep voice.

That's not all.

(LAUGHS)

Oh! Right.

You look

really cute tonight.

Thanks. I guess.

What the...

(SMACKS)

Oh, hey!

Feeling a little frisky?

Oh!

Game over.

What's happening here?

Hey. Any luck?

Not so much.

All right, let's...

This is Bear.

Hey!

Wow, you are a bear.

(BOTH ROAR)

Yeah.

(BARKS)

How much you bench?

How much you weigh?

Why? You wanna try

and pick me up?

Yeah, I think I could.

Yeah, I bet you could.

You are big.

I could use a guy

like you on my team.

Are you talking

about our team?

Or an actual team?

What the hell is "our team"?

Hi, where's the girl?

(GASPS) What the f*ck

are we talking about?

You need to take

another look around.

You look fabulous!

Hey, honey.

Oh, my God.

What the f*ck is going on?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Come on,

is that all you've got?

(GASPS)

p*ssy!

I must have came

to the wrong place.

Stifler.

Stifler.

Oh, man.

Hey.

It's so good to see you.

How did you get up the nerve

to check out a g*y bar?

Really don't wanna

talk about it right now.

I just wanna go home.

Your friend here

was just leaving.

Eat sh*t.

Did you find Leslie?

f*ck your stupid dressmaker.

You guys know Leslie Summers?

We're trying to find her.

You know what?

I think you guys

are out of luck.

Why don't you go home?

No. You know Leslie Summers?

He knows her.

My friends and I,

we just drove

all the way from Michigan

to find my fiance

the wedding dress

that she deserves.

We need Leslie

to make it for us.

Can you please

help us find her?

I'm sure Leslie always helps

associates of assholes.

What are you looking at?

I'm not a steak.

Listen, breeder,

not every g*y man wants

to have sex with you.

Yeah? Listen up, a*s jockey.

If I were g*y, you'd want me!

Really?

Really.

I got style. I'm cultured.

I'm sophisticated.

And all that just radiates

from your oh-so-sexy self.

That's bullshit.

Everyone wants a piece

of the Stifmeister.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yeah, right!

Without a doubt.

I'll show you f*ck.

Bye.

Everybody say bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Good luck with the dress.

Give us a drink.

(SONG CHANGES)

(OMINOUS SYNTHESIZED MUSIC)

(CROWD MURMURING)

(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)

Mother of God.

b*tch!

(SONG CHANGES)

(WOMAN WHOOPING)

What is this, a dance-off?

Oh, yeah?

(SONG CHANGES)

(ALL CHEERING)

I love you!

What?

Fabulous. Seeing that

was worth anything.

Look, I'm Leslie Summers

and you've got yourself

a dress.

Oh, my God.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, no problem.

Say, who's your friend?

(STUTTERS) Kevin.

Was that the best

night ever or what?

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, it was amazing.

Hey, guys!

When you get your

bachelor party together,

I manage some girls in town.

Real ones.

All right.

Call me.

Damn, Stiffy,

you got some moves.

I told you that guy

wanted to f*ck me.

(LAUGHING)

I can't believe this.

They're really gonna

make the dress for me?

They're expecting your call.

Go ahead.

This is so cool.

I love you.

Thank you.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Well, that worked out.

Maybe it's time

we had that special

dinner chat.

I'll have turkey.

Thanks for helping out.

We're so close

and there's still

so much to do.

Cadence!

Hey!

Hi!

Cadence, this is Paul Finch.

Finch, meet my

younger sister, Cadence.

Nice to meet you.

You're reading Descartes.

Yeah. Cogito ergo sum.

"I think, therefore I am."

Hungry.

So, when's Mark getting in?

Let's see.

That would be never.

Did you guys break up?

How tragic.

Sorry, Paul Finch.

Girl stuff.

(AIRPLANE ENGINE ROARING)

Just stay calm.

I'm available,

she's available.

It's all good.

She's a beautiful girl,

and you're you.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

MICHELLE: Spill it, sister.

What's the problem?

I dumped him.

But it was Mark.

I thought you really

liked him. He was nice.

Yeah, but sometimes

nice isn't so nice.

Wait. Hold on.

Let me get this straight.

He didn't want to do it.

He said he didn't

want to ruin what we had

by deflowering ourselves.

Who the hell uses

the word "deflower"?

(MICHELLE GROANS)

It's like

something Mom would say.

Yeah.

And I'm starting to realize

Mom and Dad's idea of

appropriate behavior

might be a little bit

different than mine.

Mish, you're in love.

Shh.

You're getting married.

I mean, what's this like?

It's like it's...

I'm never going to

be able to explain it.

I wanted us to

write our own vows

for the wedding

and now I can't do mine.

How do you explain love?

I guess I wouldn't know.

I don't think

I've ever felt

that way about a guy.

Someday you will.

Maybe.

But in the meantime,

I don't think it would hurt

to get a little

rowdy this weekend.

Jim's got

single friends, right?

Is Finch a possibility?

Finch is bonable.

Yes, he is bonable.

(THUD)

(WATER SLOSHING)

Dickhead. Do not send sh*t

to my office at school.

Hey, Stifler, why don't

you come in and make

yourself comfortable?

Your letter made

a great impression

on Coach Marshall

when he read it.

Let me refresh

your memory, partner.

"Dear Steve, I will

be forever in your debt

if you teach me to dance

"like you did

in the g*y bar."

I put serious thought

into that letter.

Don't push me,

'cause I'm close to the edge.

I'm trying not

to lose my head.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

(LAUGHS)

CADENCE: These are really

nice for a bridesmaid dress.

At least something

you can actually wear again.

You don't think

it's too sexy, do you?

I mean, I don't want to seem

slutty or anything.

I'm trying to

attract a decent guy here.

MICHELLE: It's a wedding.

They'll all be decent guys.

I just don't feel

quite like a virgin in it.

Oh!

So, you guys

have to be psyched

to be done with college.

I mean, I swear,

I'm running out of room

in my brain for everything.

There's always room

for Plato and Aristotle.

Some of my favorites.

Excuse me, guys.

Finch, she thinks

you were being sarcastic.

STIFLER: Okay.

It's so good to see you.

You want some help?

Here, let me help

you out there.

There you go.

You keep fighting

the good fight, sir.

That's great.

That was really

sweet of you.

Yeah.

I love old people, you know?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Hey, I hate to be

nosy and impolite,

but do you know

Jim Levenstein

and Michelle Flaherty?

Yeah.

Are they here?

Well, I'm Cadence,

Michelle's sister.

I had no idea. I'm their

good friend, Steven.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, you, too.

Well, they're around town

doing some wedding stuff.

That's cool.

But there's still a few

of us in the other room

if you want to join us.

I don't know.

You look so nice.

I feel underdressed.

Well, I think you look great.

Thank you.

Oh, here they are.

Hi, boys.

Don't stand up.

The dads aren't here yet?

I'll go find them.

Which one of you

is the best man?

Jim didn't pick just one.

Or I mean,

he couldn't decide.

Hey, Paul. Hey, Kevin.

CADENCE: Mom,

I want you to meet Steven.

He's friends

of Jim's and mine

and everyone's.

You look

very familiar, Steven.

Really? I'm afraid

we've never met.

Oh.

Well, we have now.

Oh!

Looks like you

found Samantha's Sweets.

Oh!

Isn't their

chocolate just to die for?

You have no idea.

Actually, I do.

I love chocolate

more than...

More than life itself!

I was just

saying to your friends

I have something

very precious here.

What is it?

Michelle's grandmother's,

my mother's, wedding ring.

Isn't that precious?

Since all of you

are the best man,

I don't know

who should hold onto it.

I think it's best if I...

Oh, um...

I think you

should get to know us

first and then decide.

You are such

a gentleman, Steve.

I hear that all the time,

but it never gets old.

Hey, Paul,

do you have a camera?

How thoughtful.

(MOUTHING)

I must've forgotten

my camera at home, Steven.

Maybe you could take,

like, a mental note.

(CHUCKLES)

I won't forget this moment.

I'll bet you won't.

Would you care to

join us, Steven?

I'd love to. Thank you.

Good to see you fellows.

Thank you.

(MOUTHING)

STIFLER: Oh, amazing.

What the hell is he doing

near my flowers?

I love the way

the tulips accentuate the...

What do you call

those again, sir?

Double lisianthus.

Lisianthus.

Double lisianthums.

What a pretty name.

(CHUCKLING)

I told him to be nice,

or he couldn't come

to the wedding.

Okay,

I will take care of this.

I will take care of this.

James. Great.

Come on over.

Great, come on over.

You can see

if I forgot anything.

I don't think I... Oh!

We're having a great time.

I think I've got it all.

Look, look, look.

Sahara and

desert rose for

(MOUTHING)

Your bridesmaids' bouquet.

Give me that. Smell this.

It's fantastic.

Fantastic. And... Oh!

(EXCLAIMING)

(SQUEALS)

Look at this!

(LAUGHING)

Let's go look at

the candelabrum, honey.

I think with

the summer blossoms...

Thank you for everything.

What'd you think, girls?

Isn't this adorable?

Bye, Cadence.

Okay, I know

what you're doing. Look,

have you seen yourself?

I can't believe

you're doing this, Stifler.

Just calm down, dude.

It's all set.

What's set?

I'm gonna teach you

to dance like

a Baryshninikov.

Oh, yeah.

He is pretty good.

Jim, he's not

doing it to be nice.

He's doing it

to bone Cadence.

Look, maybe we should

give him a chance.

You know, I think

that underneath

all the "f*ck" and "shits"

and "blow me's"

there's a very

sensitive person

who is just

thirsty for acceptance.

That's what I think.

Oh, Jim, you've got

to stop masturbating.

It's melting your brain.

Observe

the f*cking Stifmeister.

What is his

defining characteristic?

He uses the "F"

word excessively.

Thanks, man.

But I also have confidence.

You're one big floppy c*ck.

Look at you.

You got to stand

like a man.

Your posture tells

your partner where to go.

Okay?

Okay.

Follow my lead.

This is the waltz.

Waltz? Okay.

Waltz. Okay.

That's pretty good.

You're f*cking right

it's good.

I'm gonna save your a*s

in this wedding.

Pretty soon you're gonna

want me to shave your ba*ls.

Should I shave my ba*ls?

Do you shave your ba*ls?

How do you do it?

Dude! No.

(STUTTERS)

I'm just... Shaving...

You know, there's

nothing like a local pub.

Mmm-hmm.

It's like real America,

without all

that corporateness

and catchy jingles.

What's wrong

with a good jingle?

I think it was

Voltaire who said,

"A jingle witty

proves everything

for my friends and I."

(CHUCKLES)

Cadence, I didn't know

you were gonna be here.

You're just in time for

Voltaire's greatest hits.

Voltaire? Stifler, please,

who was Voltaire?

Someone much wiser than you,

I'm afraid, Finch.

Actually, I'm getting

a little burned out on all

the intellectual stuff.

Yeah, me, too.

Being smart is so hard.

(CHUCKLING)

I'll give you

some intelligence.

Voltaire can suck

on my ba*ls.

What?

It's about time somebody

finally came out and said it.

Hey, I'm gonna give you

a quote to live by.

"Love life, get paid,

and then get laid."

That is the basic philosophy

of the Finchmeister.

I like that.

(MOUTHING)

Bet you do.

Really? I don't know

why you do,

because

Finchmeister doesn't make

any frigging sense.

Sure it does.

No f*cking sh*t it does.

Cadence, let's leave

the cray-ton here, shall we?

Whatever. f*ck it.

I'm walking, anyway.

You know, I think

I'm gonna go stretch my legs

with the Finchmeister.

You don't mind,

do you, Steven?

No.

Ha!

(HUFFING)

It's on like

Donkey Kong, b*tch.

Pack it up, b*tch.

I'm on it. Thank you.

So, Cadence say

anything about me?

Whatever you and

Finch are pulling,

she seems to like you both.

Finch. She gonna be around

tomorrow night?

No, she's going up to

Chicago with Michelle

for the final dress fitting.

What about her parents?

I think her mom

kind of likes me.

They're going up north

with my parents

to get things ready

for the rehearsal.

So that's where they'll be.

So don't bother

looking for them

or anything, you know?

A wedding. (SCOFFS) sh*t.

How do you know

she's the right girl?

I just do.

I'm a better person

when I'm with Michelle.

Nobody else can...

No, shithead.

You hooked up with

one other girl for what?

10 seconds?

Not to mention

you passed on Nadia.

Dumbest f*cking thing ever.

You're like

a blind man picking

out his favorite porno.

That sh*t is crazy.

JIM'S DAD:

This is just the old

pre-wedding jitters, Son.

JIM: It's so forever.

You know, it's...

You know,

Michelle is the only girl

that I've been with.

Honestly, now,

would you have passed up

sex with Nadia?

Why? Did she say something?

Hypothetically, Dad.

Hypothetically. Well,

you know, Jim,

I'm a married man.

If you weren't married.

She's a college girl.

If you were a college guy.

In a heartbeat.

Oh, yeah. Mmm-hmm.

First of all,

what you're feeling

is so normal

and perfectly natural.

Marriage is not about

animal lusting,

and kinky sex games.

It's not so much about

who's the dog and

who's the fire

hydrant tonight.

It's deeper than that.

The longer a marriage lasts,

the longer you can go

without sex.

But when that

magic night does happen,

it's all

the more meaningful.

Let me tell you,

your mother, bless her,

can still make me

squeal like a pig.

I mean that

in the good sense.

Do you follow

what I'm saying?

You understand

where I'm going here?

I do. I think...

Anything else you need?

No. No. That's...

Anything I can do.

He's not here.

Park the cars down there

where he won't see them.

Whoo!

f*cking right!

So, you like

my pants, Stiffy?

Whatever, dude.

As long as the girls

are worth it.

They're worth it.

Oh! And if you got

good wine, too,

that'll score

points for you.

I think there's

some in the basement.

I'll get it. You ain't

gonna want to miss this.

(LAUGHING)

Gentlemen,

I would like to introduce

Officer Krystal

und Frulein Brandi!

FINCH: Oh, my God.

(STIFLER EXCLAIMING)

Oh, my God.

You boys have

been very messy.

Whoops.

Can you see my fanny?

Whoops. (GIGGLES)

Oh!

(MOANS)

(STIFLER WHOOPS)

(YELPS)

Oh!

Ow!

You naughty girl.

(GIGGLES)

None of that

pleading the Fifth crap.

You boys are gonna talk.

(STUTTERS)

STIFLER: Wow! (LAUGHING)

Oh, my God!

Are you just gonna

stand there and drool?

Or we gonna have

a bachelor party?

f*ck, yeah, we are!

Yeah?

Yeah.

What? I can't hear you.

Louder!

(STUTTERS)

Yes.

Bachelor party.

I can't hear you. Louder!

Stick a finger in my a*s!

(GASPS)

That's weird.

You just wait.

Maybe we should

just wait for Jim.

f*ck Jim, man!

This is for us!

Take her top off.

My girlfriend has

strict rules about this.

No touching.

(GROANING)

What are you,

a dancing clown?

You wipe that sh*t-eating grin

off your face,

you punk-a*s little b*tch!

This is awesome!

You like that?

Like it? How much? No!

Yeah, I do.

Boob.

Sorry.

No, not yet.

But you will be.

Like I said,

this is awesome.

Hey, listen,

I think we both know

that Officer Krystal and me

have this, you know...

Thing?

Yeah.

No one has ever

slapped my a*s like that.

No one's ever

pinched my nipple

with such ferocity.

I'm a master of

the Tantric art.

I look at her

body and I just see

the chakras and the things

I could do to her and...

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(GRUNTS)

You, you look cute.

Oh, thank you.

You, you're the cute one.

Stiffy, how slimming is this?

What the f*ck,

Buffalo Bill?

What? The pink too much?

It puts

the dress in the drawer

and does as it's told.

Oh, dude,

now that's f*cked up.

That's f*cked up.

And in closing,

you have been a naughty,

naughty girl.

(CACKLES)

You been naughty, Brandi?

You been f*cking naughty?

Fresh.

(SCREAMS)

Take her top off!

Will you get to cleaning,

you little b*tch f*ck.

(SCREAMS)

Do you want to

see us kiss?

f*ck, no!

None of that "you go,

we go" bullshit.

STIFLER:

We've already done that.

FINCH: Good of you.

I used to have

this pet bass.

His name was Arnie,

and he was so cute

and he just loved me,

too, you know.

He would look at me...

Maybe you

could dance.

...make this

face like...

Or something like that.

I don't know.

It was great.

I miss Arnie, but...

Sometimes I watch

the Discovery Channel.

I love that show.

I don't care!

Could you just

dance for me, please?

No, that's my favorite...

Well, was my favorite shirt.

Okay...

Hey.

What?

Nothing.

It's a crazy party, huh?

You don't worry about him.

You don't worry about him.

He's a maniac.

You're a maniac,

you know that?

(MUFFLED SHOUTS)

Stifler, why in the world

are you focused on me?

I'm just surprised to

see you don't have t*ts.

How can I clean you

if you are not dirty?

Go put something on

that I must clean off

with my tongue.

Oh!

Anything for a French person.

If you insist, frulein.

Ah!

Look at you,

you pathetic

little weasel.

Can't I just watch?

Look, you don't have to

do anything

if you don't want to.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Hold on!

Don't break character

ever again, okay?

I don't care

if Kevin starts crying

because Finch

bit his c*ck off.

You're a dirty cop,

you're a prissy maid.

And I'm your filthy cabana boy

in need of

punishment and cleaning.

Don't you ever mouth

off to Officer Krystal,

you dirty little pervert!

Okay.

Now obey!

I obey!

Jesus.

Hey, guys,

are we having dinner?

Let me get that.

Holy sh*t!

Stifler.

I've got something really nice

cooking up for you inside.

Well, we love surprises.

Stifler, you said

you spoke to Jim.

I did. I was secret

about it and everything.

He said he'd be

the only one here tonight.

What the f*ck,

Shitbreak?

It's chocolate.

I told everyone that

you were up north

with my parents.

So we won't be bothered.

We can just totally relax.

No worries.

(MARY CHUCKLES)

Please come on in.

Make yourselves at home.

Right this way.

Thank you.

(GASPS)

What?

Pink roses.

JIM: Pink roses.

They're nice, aren't they?

Yes, artificial. Nice try.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

I almost got you.

So, has Michelle ever

told you the story of how

we fell in love?

Why don't you retell us now?

It's one of

my favorite stories.

Where should I begin?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Let's see...

Well, I suppose it

all started at...

Tall Oaks.

That's right. At Tall Oaks.

That was the summer

when... Oh!

Oh! The summer

that was so hot!

So hot.

All right, look what I got.

Jesus!

Hey, there.

Guy, there!

Jim, I cannot believe you.

You can't?

You hired help

on our account. That is

entirely unnecessary.

But I will have

some of that wine, sir.

Say please, Harold.

Please. Of course.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)

Absolutely.

It's what he's here for.

The wine. Obviously.

Evidently.

What else would

you be here for?

And I certainly appreciate

your courtesy, sir.

Yes, we have right here

a 1999 Cabernet Say-vun-nun.

Full-bodied, masculine wine.

Just shouts sophistication.

James?

Yes?

I can see

you're very surprised

to see me here.

Little bit.

I'm going to go

check on the dogs.

Yes! In fact why don't

you both go check

on the dogs and...

No! Don't check on the dogs.

They're fine.

How do you know?

Because I just

checked on the dogs.

Because he

checked on the dogs.

I did.

Good work, man.

Jim, I'll help

you with the turkey.

Okay.

And I'll keep

you company.

Thank you.

So, how long have you been

a sommelier, Mister...

Belvedere, ma'am.

Belvedere.

It's chilly in here.

So, how long do we

have to stay in here for?

I don't know.

They said to hide.

I guess we'll just

wait for them to call us.

Who knows what

kind of kinky sh*t

they're getting ready for.

Do these go in your

a*s tonight, or mine?

You have

a serving dish ready?

Jim, we need

a serving dish.

Hmm?

Oh! Yeah, of course.

Oh!

What?

Nothing.

Then why the excitement?

I thought the dish

was broken.

Well, is it?

No.

Then are you

going to get it?

Yes.

Here you go.

One serving dish.

Excellent. Now what we need:

A cutting board.

No, stop!

What?

I will get it for you.

Nonsense,

I can get a cutting board.

Let's see, there you go.

This should do nicely.

I presume

we're having white wine

with the turkey.

Let me go check.

(MARY CHUCKLES)

What happened here?

JIM: Oh, um...

That's mud.

I meant to clean

that up this morning.

How embarrassing.

That's gonna stain.

We're gonna need a mop.

I'll get it.

It's in this closet.

No.

No, it's not.

It's in there.

It's not in this closet,

because I moved it.

Where? I'll go get it.

I don't remember.

You don't remember?

You know why

I don't remember

is because I actually

did not move it.

The cleaning lady did.

Your mother said

you don't have

a cleaning lady.

I don't know why

she would say such a...

You called, master?

Holy...

Well, there you are. Hello.

How do you do?

Uh...

So, cleaning lady,

we were wondering

where the mop was.

Master put

the mop in my fanny.

You what?

Who put what where?

I did no such thing anywhere.

Shall I clean?

(GIGGLES)

Harold!

(BOTH GIGGLING)

(SIGHS)

Very well.

It is so hot in here!

(SCREAMS)

Holy Jesus!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SCREAMS)

Brandi, Brandi,

what are you doing?

You're not in

Eastern Europe anymore.

You can't do that.

I am so sorry

about my cousin.

She's not used to

our customs.

Jim, I apologize

for recommending her to you.

Here's this, by the way.

Ah!

Got the mop.

Brandi,

you left the mop

in the car.

Now remember,

it's called a car,

not a fanny.

Remember last time

when you wanted me

to take a ride

in your fanny.

(LAUGHS)

BRANDl:

Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.

You know what?

We should

probably just go.

I'm so sorry about this.

I came by to

make sure everything

was in order.

The food smells great.

BRANDl: Au revoir.

Jim, you have

unique friends.

Harold!

Let's get that

cleaned up.

I think I saw some

Pine-Sol in here, too.

(SCREAMS)

My gosh!

Baby, Mary and Joseph.

Oh, my Lord!

He's okay.

Are you all right?

(MUFFLED RESPONSE)

Who did this to you?

I'm sure he's okay.

You okay?

Get some help!

Harold, call the police!

All right!

Jesus.

I'll take charge

from here!

My God, they are fast here.

And nicely attired.

What's going on here?

She's here to

protect and serve.

Quiet!

Okay.

Who let this boy

out of the closet?

(STUTTERS)

You are all in for

a hard punishment now.

Don't you touch him!

He's been hurt.

No. This is hurt!

You can't do that.

Silence, f*ck!

Ow!

You like it.

Oh!

Harold,

what's gotten into you?

I meant... Ow!

Dirty wh*re.

Shut your hole. Obey!

(SCREAMING)

HAROLD:

You can't do that.

You're a disgrace

to the police force.

I'll be giving you

an enema!

Hey, somebody untie me!

Wait, not the face.

Back off!

All right, forget it.

We give up.

Steven!

It's okay, Mary.

What's going on?

Listen,

this isn't working, guys.

Krystal, you can drop the act.

This isn't a real cop.

Kevin wasn't assaulted.

I just wanted to

make Jim look good

for you guys.

Like a real hero.

Kind of like me.

We hired a fake cop,

tied up Kevin,

and put him in the closet.

Jim was supposed to

rescue him, untie him,

give him mouth-to-mouth.

I don't know

what he likes to do.

Then Paul Finch

hired an exotic dancer

instead of a real actor.

Jim, is this true?

Every word of it.

That is the stupidest idea

I have ever heard.

You've embarrassed me, Harold,

and Mr. Belvedere.

What?

It's all my fault.

I'm a bad person.

Oh! You're not a bad person.

You were just

trying to help out

your best friend.

It was an awful idea,

but I suppose

it's the thought that counts.

You know, actually,

(STAMMERING)

I never should have allowed

such a crazy plan to

happen in the first place.

If you're gonna

blame anybody here,

blame me.

I'm sorry, Jim.

I didn't realize

how much pressure

we put on you.

I'm sure you both

learned your lesson,

and I suppose I understand.

Jim, if you put

half as much energy

into your marriage

as you put into tonight,

I'm confident that I can

give you my blessing.

And, Steven,

we still adore you, honey.

In fact, I think I know

who should hold onto this.

We adore you.

You'll take good care of it.

You've got to

be kidding me.

No.

Lookit, Jim, Kevin.

Boy, this really makes me

important to the wedding.

MARY: Yes.

Well, Mr. Belvedere,

it's gonna be one

f*cked-up wedding.

Absolutely.

Drive carefully.

More bags in the study.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Ow!

Is there

any room for me?

Nope.

I'll just drive up

north all by myself.

That sounds good.

We'll see you later.

No, I'll drive with you.

Thanks, Cadence.

Beautiful lady.

Hey... I know. Shut up.

Kevin!

So, my mom found

the dogs playing

with something

unusual this morning.

What?

I told her it was

a neck massager.

These are great.

He's hilarious.

Yes.

That kind of thing

is so lethargic to me.

What do you mean?

I'm not sure.

Mr. Stifler,

I already told you

you called two days ago

and canceled

your reservation.

Since you now

wish to stay here,

I thought you could persuade

Mr. Finch to share his room.

Hey, Shithead, I didn't

cancel my reservation.

Mr. f*ck Finch

called here.

And Mr. Idiot Behind

the Desk canceled it.

Christof, please pardon

my friend's uncouth behavior.

I did no such thing.

Nor did I, sir.

And your rudeness

and obscenities

won't change anything.

Well then,

I guess it doesn't matter

if I call you a crotchface,

you ball-scratching f*ck.

Or better yet,

go blow your dad.

My dad?

Hear, hear.

While you're there,

stick a finger

up both their asses

while you're down there.

Finch, rudeness and obscenity

won't change anything.

Here's a thought:

Grow a sack,

fill it with some ba*ls,

magically sprout a d*ck,

shove it up your a*s,

and start f*cking yourself

like, "Yeah, baby!"

You going

with what I'm saying?

(GRUNTING)

This is disgusting.

Why don't you go dust

with your

perverse European cousin?

Is she here?

Unbelievable.

I'd like to book

a tee time for my husband

and a European

pumpkin peel facial

for me, please.

Make that two.

JIM'S DAD: You'll have

a fun weekend, Ma.

I am missing my soap.

Don't you worry

about your soaps.

Will you push faster?

I'm tired.

And wait till

you meet Michelle.

You're gonna love her.

She's sweet as sugar.

I can't eat sugar.

I know,

because you're diabetic.

You know, Ma,

I know things haven't been

going well for you.

I know that.

But wait till you

see Jim standing up there

at the altar tomorrow.

If ever there was

a time to be happy

and smile the biggest smile,

now is the time.

Okay, okay. I'm overjoyed.

That's a start.

Proud grandmother

coming through.

Grandson's getting

married tomorrow.

You think she's happy now,

wait till tomorrow.

"Congratulations."

"Grooming."

(BUZZING)

You got bigger.

The flowers

stay refrigerated

until morning...

Oh! I'm sure they will.

They're so pretty...

(COUGHING)

(ALL COUGHING)

Oh, Jimmy, no!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I hope

you'll be more careful

with the next one.

My kitchen is

not a toilet, okay?

Boy, pubic hair was just not

an issue when I was dating.

The ladies never complained

when they were, you know,

down in that general area...

Okay, if you never

mention that ever again,

that'd be great.

Shouldn't have brought it up.

So, can I see the ring?

Nope. I promised

to keep it safe.

It's not leaving my pocket.

Okay, Frodo.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

You really care

about this wedding,

don't you?

I'm gonna cry

at the ceremony.

I know it.

(SIGHS)

Are you just saying

all of this?

I mean, do you

act differently around

certain people?

Namely me?

Of course not. Why?

Do you act differently

around me?

Generally, I'm just me.

If people don't like it,

that's their problem.

Yeah. f*ck those f*ck.

What?

I didn't...

No, you're right. f*ck 'em.

Hey, Harold and Mary!

Hi, kids.

How's it going?

Come on. Thanks for

watching the dogs.

I love these guys.

Hey, guys, want more

Snausages? Huh?

There you go.

Eat 'em up.

Give me some.

There you go.

I don't think

I have any left.

What's wrong?

sh*t.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

You kissed Stifler?

Yeah. But then he freaked.

It's like he's been

paying more attention

to the dogs than me.

Can I stop worrying then?

Michelle, he's been

nothing but nice to me.

I mean, do you think

he really likes you?

I don't know.

I hope he likes me.

I mean, I think he likes me.

Yeah, I guess

I hope he likes me.

Do it.

Don't f*ck around.

Just relax and let it go.

I'm sick of waiting.

Do it for Daddy.

Will you just

take a sh*t already?

Great.

You fed the ring to the dogs,

didn't you?

(SCOFFS)

(SNICKERS)

Of course not!

You have been staring

at those dogs

like a hawk all day.

I'm a dog lover.

By the way,

apparently you missed

when Cadence kissed me.

Slight tongue action, too.

It was something like this.

(WARBLES)

You're a terrible liar,

Stifler.

If I were lying,

I'd think of something better

than a kiss.

Maybe a blow job

or some tittie grabbing.

No p*ssy for you, Finch.

(SIGHS)

f*cking right, doggy!

It's about g*dd*mn time!

Jackpot!

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have some sh*t to attend to.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Thanks, assholes.

MARY: Yeah,

maybe you can call him.

WOMAN: Okay.

Steve, come over here.

Uh...

I'm a little busy.

MARY: With what?

Come on over.

We need you.

Get over here,

you little rascal.

We were talking about

Michelle's wedding band.

Could I see it?

Um...

No.

No?

I don't have it.

What?

You mean you lost it?

Of course not.

I'm keeping it safe

in my room,

you silly Sally!

Thank goodness.

I apologize.

That's fine.

I'll see it later.

Okay. All right, then.

What do you have

in your hand?

This one?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

No, the other one.

It's a chocolate truffle.

Ooo! Yummy.

Where did you get that?

The caterer said

she was saving

the truffles for tomorrow.

You sneaky devil.

Well, hey,

I managed to sneak

one right past her.

Come on,

this woman

loves chocolate.

At least give

her a tiny nibble.

Give it to Momma.

Momma don't want this.

This is the only piece

that I have.

Idiot.

Break it in half.

Come on.

You know what?

Let's just leave

the surprises till tomorrow.

It's gonna be a great day.

I'd like

my surprise right now.

No, it's mine.

Come on!

Give it to me.

No.

Give the darn truffle.

(GASPS)

HAROLD: Steven,

that is so selfish.

(GAGGING)

It's good.

Is it? Is it sweet?

It's so sweet.

(GAGGING)

Close your mouth

when you chew, Steven.

Don't do that.

At least you could describe

to the lovely woman

how delicious it is.

Well, tastes like twigs

and berries.

Is it Swiss or

French chocolate?

Maybe German.

Really? Is it creamy?

Yeah, it's creamy.

Easy to go down, right?

Well, I'm trying to

savor the flavor right now.

Is it fresh?

It's so fresh.

Nothing better than

when they're fresh.

Nothing better.

The problem is

you can't eat

just one, can you?

No, you can't.

But you've got to

know when to stop,

don't you?

You really do, but it's hard.

It's really hard.

Droppings

from the gods.

Get me another one, darling.

Come on.

You selfish boy.

Next time,

bring enough for everybody.

Let's keep this to ourselves?

Okay?

Okay.

I gotta go, okay.

Don't have any more,

because it's gonna

spoil your appetite.

Okay.

Hey, look, man, I gotta go.

(GROANS)

Grandma, I want you

to meet some people.

Grandma, this is Michelle.

I'm so proud to be

joining your family.

JIM:

She's real pretty, huh?

Isn't it great?

We're getting married.

It's amazing, Gram.

Not Jewish!

No wedding, Jimmy!

No wedding.

Forget it.

Grandma.

A goyeh!

sh*t.

Jim, she hates me.

(GRUMBLES)

Oh, my God!

Grandma, look,

we love each other.

Michelle and I

love each other very much.

That's all that matters.

Grandma? Grandma?

Michelle? Michelle?

JIM'S DAD:

But Grandma's okay?

JIM: Oh, she's okay.

Oh, yeah, Dad. She's okay.

She's just a little tired.

My mother hasn't been well.

She's been feeling...

When your dad sees the look

on Grandma's face,

it's gonna break his heart.

Because of me.

It's not because of you.

Michelle, it's not

because of you at all.

It's because

Grandma thinks it's 1801.

Look, don't worry.

I'll come up with something.

I promised you

the wedding of your dreams

and I'm not gonna

let anything ruin it.

Oh! (CLEARS THROAT)

I would like to

propose a toast.

These last few weeks

have really been something

for my lovely wife and me.

We have met some people

we didn't know existed.

We've experienced

some things we didn't

think were possible.

We've always tried to make

the best of every situation.

This is a good situation.

That's what I'm saying.

This is a wonderful situation.

The coming

together of two families

from different backgrounds.

So to our new son-in-law,

may we say ireann go Brugh.

And to our lovely

daughter Michelle,

L'Chaim.

Did I get that right?

Very good.

And let's hope we can

sit many happy

shivas together.

Here's to

a wonderful wedding.

Cheers.

Cheers.

See that, Shitbreak?

I told you I won.

Hey.

Hey.

I just wanted to say

I'm sorry if I freaked you out

with the whole kiss thing.

You didn't freak me out.

I just wanted to

let you know that

you make me feel special.

I think you're

the most special girl

I've ever known.

Maybe you'd

want to make things

extra special tonight.

Which room is yours?

I'm crashing at Kevin's.

Damn.

But I saw

a big, fluffy linen closet

at the end of

the main hallway.

Yes. Big,

fluffy linen closet is good.

Okay.

Midnight?

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

Oh!

(SINGING) I'm going to

have-a sex-a with-a Cadence

I'm going to have-a

sex-a with-a Cadence

Whoo!

Jesus! You f*cking stalker!

You're not

a very stealthy thief.

Really?

Guess what, Shitbreak?

It's a wedding.

Everything's free.

What do you want?

Stifler, Jim's grandma

doesn't approve

of the wedding.

We're trying to

run interference,

and, reluctantly,

I am asking for your help.

Sorry, Finchmeister,

I got plans with Cadence.

Stifler, maybe you could

forget about your d*ck

for one second

and actually be useful.

f*ck you, Finch.

You didn't eat sh*t, okay?

You didn't prance around

like a ballerina

for the whole week.

Wedding this,

suck my a*s that.

I'm special, you're special.

We're all just

a bunch of special f*ck,

aren't we?

You know what?

I'm-a gonna get laid,

Finchfucker.

And it's gonna be oh-so-good.

It's gonna be like,

"You like this sh*t, momma?"

She's gonna be like,

"f*cking right, doggy.

Give it to me!

"Suck on my n*pples

like you're milking a cow."

Like... (SUCKING)

(MEWING)

You been here long?

(SUCKING)

Oh, sh*t.

Yeah...

Cadence, it is

my distinct pleasure

to introduce you

to the real Steve Stifler.

Hi.

Pumpkin. (SIGHS)

You are quite

the gentleman, Stifler.

You could've told

me she was behind me.

Between Grandma,

Stifler, and Cadence...

The cake.

I mean, are you kidding me?

You know,

I thought I had grown

out of this sort of behavior.

But I keep messing up.

These things keep

happening to me.

If I can't bring it

together for one day,

how am I gonna

hold it together

for the rest of our lives?

I'm really afraid

this is how it's

always gonna be.

Yeah, but you always

manage to get yourself

into serious sh*t,

and somehow you always

come out of it better

than you went in.

I don't know how,

but you do.

Everything is gonna be fine.

Yeah...

You need to come into

the kitchen right now.

There's... Yeah.

Jesus, now what?

(SIGHS)

There is no way to remake

all these in time, is there?

Something must have

disrupted the power.

The compressors need time

to reset after a power loss

or they overheat.

Essentially, it turns

the refrigerator

into an oven.

Stifler was in here

earlier flipping switches.

Michelle, I am so sorry.

Hey.

Those flowers look hideous.

That's 'cause you

k*lled them, Stifler.

You've ruined everything.

What are you talking about?

You obviously don't care

about this wedding,

or anyone in it.

Cadence...

Jim?

Shitbreak, come on.

Maybe you should

just leave, Stifler.

Fine. Adis.

STIFLER: f*ck!

It's not my fault!

I'm not an electrical

Einstein. I'm not...

Damn it.

f*ck!

Hey, flower f*ck,

you there?

"Zyskowski."

Hello? Are you awake?

sh*t. Come on.

Come on. Anybody awake?

Oh!

Are you Ms. Zyskowski?

Who are you?

I'm the guy who just

k*lled all the flowers

for the Levenstein-Band

Geek wedding.

What?

Yeah, I'm that guy.

Now, what I need you to do

is drag your a*s down

to your little store,

gather up some flowers,

slice them,

dice them,

jam them all together,

and cart that crap

down to the wedding.

Are you completely insane?

You have no idea.

Even if I

overlooked the fact

that this is the rudest thing

I have ever encountered,

there is no time to

redo all that work.

I had four assistants

working two full days

on that wedding.

I'm sorry. It's impossible.

(STIFLER SCOFFS)

We don't quit

at halftime, ma'am!

You don't score

until you score!

That's the spirit,

sweetheart.

STIFLER: Come on.

f*ck the pain.

You guys keep

working this hard,

we'll be able to

beat the Wildcats.

You remember how tough

they were last year.

Come on. Let's see

some determination.

Determination!

Hold the vase. That's it!

Come on.

Come on, keep working!

Good, Connor. Very good.

Good, DeBoer.

It really sucks.

Go fix it.

Hey, party guy, having

a good time? Can I get

you a gin and tonic?

Hold on a second.

Hello? Okay. It's for you.

It's get to work, f*ck.

We are gathered here today

to join these

two great people

in a blessed union

and

blah-da-blah-da-blah

and crap.

Coach? This is kind of g*y.

Yeah, it is.

Good work.

Hey, no problem.

So, you got

a date for this thing?

Don't push it.

Sorry.

Holy sh*t.

How the hell did this happen?

It's a miracle.

Stifler.

Save it, dickhead.

I'm working.

You're an as*h*le.

I know.

You really are an as*h*le.

Thanks.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I don't do apologies

so good.

Well,

you get an "A" for effort.

This is amazing.

(LAUGHS)

Cool. I was always

kind of a "C" student.

So did you do all this

just to have sex with me

or because you really care

about the wedding?

Both.

And...

(CLEARS THROAT)

I really like you.

What?

I like you.

That's an honest answer.

I gotta go.

Steve Stifler

just gave a rose to

a girl, and meant it.

This is huge.

It's like watching monkeys

use tools for the first time.

Are you still pissed

about me and Cadence?

No, let's see,

she wasn't into

the heavy

intellectual stuff.

She actually liked me

being that imbecile.

No. Somehow, I think

she's probably

better off with you.

Thanks, Shitbreak.

d*ck. I f*cking

hate not hating you.

I did f*ck your mom.

Twice.

That's better, f*ck!

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Oh. Whoa!

Ready to go?

Um...

The wedding's not

for another hour.

No, I mean you and me.

(GASPS)

Hold on.

Do I still got to do

this bullshit meeting?

Stifler, you are not

bailing on Jim.

sh*t! Give me 10 minutes?

I'll meet you at the closet.

At the closet.

You wanted to

see me, Michelle?

Oh! Okay. Sit.

So, Jim said

that you've always kind

of been there for him

when he needed you.

So I thought maybe

you could help me.

Jim said that?

What's the problem?

I still can't

get my vows right.

I haven't been this confused

since I got my first period.

That's a very confusing time

for any young lady.

You know, your body is

going through changes.

Stuff coming out,

stuff going in.

No. I need help with

my vows, not my period.

Oh, your vows.

(CHUCKLING) Your vows.

Yes, good. Go on.

Jim just wants

a groomsmen meeting

before the wedding.

It shouldn't take long.

Just don't let

her talk to anyone.

All right.

Be careful. She's feisty.

Okay, let's go.

Hey, guys.

Thanks for coming out

here and meeting me.

I just have a couple

of things I want to say.

This sucks.

Did I say that out loud?

Keep going. It's good.

You know, I thought

about what you said, Kev,

about how my problems

always seem to work out.

And I realized that

the reason

things always work out

is because you guys

have always been there

to back me up.

Even you, Stifler.

For the first time

in my life,

I actually feel like

I can't mess anything up.

(SCOFFS)

Which is pretty amazing.

So I guess I just

wanted to say thank you.

Thanks.

Thanks? This whole

thing was about thanks?

(GRUNTS)

You're welcome, c*ck block.

That was good, Jim.

Real nice.

Let's get you married.

Okay.

Love is very

difficult to describe.

And I understand the angst.

I mean, it's your wedding.

And it's natural.

It's perfectly natural.

But it's impossible

to describe a feeling.

Okay, first,

nothing is impossible.

So let's not focus on that.

Why do you think, Michelle,

they call it making love?

I don't know.

I just call it boning.

"Boning"?

When you're doing

other things with Jim,

when you're not boning,

how does he make you feel?

Horny, like I want to bone.

But we can't be boning

from sunrise to sunset, dear.

Oh, you've never tried it?

I certainly have.

I have. I've boned.

From sunrise,

right through brunch,

on more than one occasion.

But boning aside,

I think they call it

making love because

you have to make love work.

You know, it's about

compromise and sacrifice

and I think Jim has

sacrificed for you.

My God, he shaved his

entire pubic region,

which would

baffle most cultures

around the world,

but he did it.

And he did it for you.

You're right.

Love isn't just a feeling.

It's shaving your ba*ls.

Thanks, Dad.

I wouldn't get

into too much detail

on that, dear.

Excuse me.

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Yeah. Excuse me.

Touch me. f*ck me.

I'm gonna have

sex with Cadence.

You know, Son,

I think this is probably

the right time to

tell you that...

I know, Dad.

(CLATTERING)

STIFLER:

I can't see anything here.

(CLATTERING)

Oh, there you are.

Guys, what are you doing?

Where's Jim's grandma?

The old b*tch sucked.

We had to ditch her.

You what?

Don't worry.

We put her someplace

no one will find her.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Cadence, where are

you going?

Oh, Mom.

STIFLER: Oh, baby,

I'm so ready for this.

(UNZIPPING)

Your body's not quite

what I was expecting.

But that's okay.

The Stiffman digs

what's underneath.

(CHUCKLES)

(STIFLER MOANS)

Oh, you are so beautiful.

I just wanted...

(BOTH GASP)

Stifler!

Granny.

Granny what?

Focus! Focus! Focus!

(EXCLAIMS)

It's not what

it looks like!

(GROANS)

Shut the f*cking door!

You got it, champ.

(GROANS)

(YELLS)

(CLATTERING)

(GUESTS EXCLAIM SOFTLY)

(CAMERAS CLICKING)

You're a hero.

Hey, p*ssy's p*ssy.

Look at the smile

on my mother's face.

Do you know how

long she's been waiting

for a day like this?

I can't imagine.

I couldn't be happier.

Thank you.

Don't.

Good luck.

Thank you, sir.

What made Grandma

come around?

Finch said

Stifler talked to her.

Stifler?

Grandmotherfucker.

You're a m*therf*cker.

Yes, I am.

You son of a b*tch.

And I promise to love you

for as long as I shall live.

Michelle,

you are the one woman

I want to be with

and the woman

I can't be without.

I love you.

(SNIFFS)

Jim, I had trouble

finding the words to

tell you how I feel

and I realized something.

Love isn't just a feeling.

Love is something you do.

It's a dress,

a visit to band camp,

a special haircut.

Jim, you've given me

everything I've ever wanted,

and it is my solemn vow

to give everything

I am to you.

Thanks.

James Emanuel Levenstein

and Michelle

Annabeth Flaherty,

I hereby pronounce you

husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

MAN: Let's all welcome

Mr. And Mrs.

Jim and Michelle Levenstein

onto the dance floor.

Just follow my lead.

I'll try.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SOFTLY) I taught him that.

Jim, you learnt to dance.

(INAUDIBLE)

Well, it seems like

everything worked out.

Magnificently.

I feel a bit sad

that tonight

our little Michelle

is gonna be a woman.

Honey, you don't

honestly believe that

Michelle is still a...

I tell you, Mary,

I can't recall a single moment

with either one of them

that would make

me think otherwise.

Thank you. See?

(EXHALES) Whoa!

Hey, tough guy.

Stifler's mom.

Well, we meet again.

I was curious.

Didn't see you here.

I try to keep a low profile.

I never really did

like these things, anyway.

You know,

this has actually made

quite an impression on me.

I have something to

look for in a woman now.

Well, if this is your idea

of a proposal, Finchy,

you gotta know

that I'm over you now.

And I'm over you.

But as they say,

we will always have Paris.

And the pool table.

And the car.

And the two-room

suite I have upstairs.

Come here.

This turned out better

than I could ever imagine.

How did a little perv

like you turn into such

a great guy?

How did a little

nympho like you

turn into such a great girl?

I'm still a nympho.

I'm still a perv.

I know.

What's wrong with us?

You did it.

You know, Michelle,

to quote someone I've

learned quite a bit from,

I think you and I are

"a perfectly natural,

normal thing."

Perfectly natural.

That's her.

Holy sh*t, dude.

I told you this

wedding would be worth it.

Oh, my goddess. My queen.

My MILF.

MILF.

(BOTH REPEATING)

(EXCLAIMS SOFTLY)

No way, bro.

Hey, you're not

finished yet,

are you, Finchy?

No, ma'am.

Just getting started.

This guy is

the f*cking master.

Oh, no!

Make it stop.

Make it stop.

Oh, Stifler's mom.

(LIGHT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALTERNATIVE

ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)