Wedding Ringer, The (2015)

[bunniefuu]

(DIALING PHONE)

(PHONE RINGING)

SETH; (ON PHONE) Hello.

Hi. Seth?

Yeah?

Hey, there, it's Doug.

Um, I'm sorry.

Doug who?

Doug Harris.

You know, Doug Harris.

"Persian Rug Doug"?

"Chili Cheese Doug"?

"SPF 60"?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, of course, man.

SPF 60,

how are you, brother?

It's been a long time.

I, uh, know we haven't

spoken in a while

but I was actually

calling because

I've actually got

some really great news.

I'm getting married, bud. Wow!

That's amazing. Congratulations.

We're very excited and, in

fact, I'm doubly excited

because I'm calling

to see if maybe

you would want

to be my best man.

(SETH CHUCKLES WEAKLY)

Wow. Um, I mean,

this is a little bit awkward.

I feel like

we're not at that level.

It feels like we don't know

each other that well. You know?

No, I don't feel that way.

What about that...

Seth, what about that

weekend in Carlsbad Caverns?

I mean, that was

the 9th grade field trip.

The whole class went.

Can I give you the dates?

Maybe you just want to look into it.

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

Are you still there, Seth?

MAN 1: I don't know

what to say, Doug.

I mean, I didn't

invite you to my wedding.

That's okay. That's okay.

Yeah, you can't invite

everyone that you want to.

Actually, we did invite

everyone we wanted to.

(LAUGHS) We had,

like, 400 guests.

Freshman year?

Your roommate?

MAN 2: I heard you died.

No. No, that's Len Brophy.

I'm the other one.

Truth be told, uh, you're the

first person I thought of.

Is that a yes or a no?

Hola, Eduardo.

(LINE BEEPS)

RECORDING: We're sorry.

You have reached a number

that has been disconnected,

or is no longer in service.

If you feel you have reached

this recording in error,

please check the number and

try your call again. (SIGHS)



(GROANING)

Ow!

(GROANING CONTINUES)

DOUG: Stephen!

Tonight's the night

Hey!

Let's live it up

Let's live it up

I got my money

Roberta!

Let's spend it up

Let's spend it up

Go out and smash it

Smash it

DOUG: Stephen!

Jump off that sofa

Come on

Let's get, get off

ls everyone

out of the office?

Maze! tov

L'Chaim

And then

we'll do it again

Timothy!

Let's do it

Let's do it,

let's do it, do it

Somebody!

Help!

And do it,

and do it

I can't feel

my f*cking legs!

I gotta feeling

That tonight's

gonna be a good night

That tonight's

gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be

a good, good night

I gotta feeling

Whoo-hoo

That tonight's

gonna be a good night

That tonight's

gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be

a good, good night

Tonight's the night

Let's live it up

I got my money

Let's spend it up

Go out and smash it

Like, oh, my God

Jump off that sofa

ALL:

Let's get, get off!

Fill up my CUP

ALL:

Maze! tov!

Look at her dancing

Just take it

ALL:

Off!

Let's paint the town

We'll Shut it down

Let's burn the...

ALL:

Roof!

'Cause I gotta feeling

(MAN LAUGHING)

You have to know that. Okay.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

I ain't lying.

Yeah. I've always been a bit

of a hopeless romantic myself.

If our true match

exists somewhere,

it's our goal in life

to find her.

But, see, Andrew's a bit

more rational than me.

Andrew always believed

that "the one"

was a farce created

by musicians and Hollywood.

Until last December.

Andrew calls my cell phone

and he says,

"Remember all that

stuff I said about"

"there being no such

thing as 'the one'?"

He said, "Well, I was wrong.

Her name is Gina Baker."

"And she doesn't

know this yet,"

"but she's going

to be my wife."

GUESTS: Aw.

And I knew at that moment

that this Gina Baker

was the luckiest girl

in the world.

But after getting to know

you these past few days,

and as I look at

you tonight, Gina,

I know at this moment

that Andrew is the

luckiest guy in the world.

Because I know that you

both have found "the one."

GUESTS: Aw.

Ah. I said I'm not going to do it.

(SNIFFLES)

I want to propose a toast.

This is to the groom,

my best friend,

(GUESTS CHEERING)

and his beautiful

new bride.

This is to

"happily ever after."

I love you both.

WOMAN: Cheers!



(APPLAUSE)

(GUESTS WHISTLING

AND CHEERING)

Congrats, man.

MAN: Great speech.

So, are you still

the hopeless romantic?

Well, I wouldn't say

"hopeless."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hey, can I speak to you for a minute?

Like, two seconds.

Yeah. Uh, I'll be

fightback,babe.

(CHUCKLES)

ANDREW: I don't even

know what to say, man.

Did you see their faces?

They were smiling.

Hey, hey!

Man, did you see the beautiful

t*tties on that girl back there?

I'm trying to tag her a*s before she

passes out, so if you could just...

Yeah, sure. Um, your

wig's a little askew.

That's fine. Thank you. Okay.

So, I guess that's it.

You know the rules.

I do. I just thought that...

Thought what? I thought we

maybe hit it off, right?

No. We definitely didn't.

Oh.

You're a great kid, but

unfortunately, a deal is a deal.

There's no contact

after final payment.

I should have

charged you more.

I'm serious, man. You got

the real deal tonight.

I was in the zone, baby.

Yeah, great.

No, we don't do that.

Sure.

Thank you, man.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Easy come

Easy go

After you.

Feel the shot

Body rock

Rock it, don't stop

Where to, boss? Just drive, Otis.

Just drive.

And I'm feeling

Whoo-hoo

That tonight's

gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be

a good, good night

Whoo-hoo

(HEART BEATING)

Mom and I

narrowed it down

to the silver tulle

tussie-mussie,

which is an exact replica of

the 1915 Texan Tussie-Mussie.

Or we have our Trs Beau

with its goldia

floral etching,

enhanced in

a smoky-silver tone.

Does anyone else feel really

f*cking g*y right now?

Ed! Let's go with the Trs Beau.

Trs Beau tussie-mussie

is fabulous.

Christ, somebody just sh**t me.

I'll be outside.

EDMUNDO: All right, team, can

we all gather around, please?

Okay. I have everything

I need for the bridesmaids,

but I am still missing

the groomsmen's information.

What? Honey, you told me you

spoke to all the groomsmen.

(STAMMERS) See,

I sent them an email,

but you know how guys are.

They just haven't

responded yet.

Babe, I know

you've been really busy,

but our wedding

is in 10 days.

I mean,

can't your best man

help you with

all of this?

Uh, but you see,

Bic's still in El Salvador.

Well, let's hope he's in LA next week.

(SNICKERS)

DOUG: Oh, he will be.

Mom.

He'll be there.

Okay, look, why don't I

just contact Mr. Rambis,

Mr. Garvey, Mr. Plunkett, Mr.

Carew,

Mr. Drysdale, Mr. Alzado, Mr.

Dickerson?

I can't breathe.

Mister, are you okay?

GRETCHEN: Honey.

(GASPS)

Honey!

Unless you are

planning to run,

you are backing yourself

into a very tight corner.

I'm not sure I understand

what you're implying.

Three out of seven of your

groomsmen are Hall of Famers.

She'll leave me, I know. You're

not gonna tell her, are you?

She's going to find out soon enough.

Oh, God.

Why didn't you say

something to me before?

I've been on a b*llet train

ever since I proposed.

I haven't slept

in months.

I can't keep anything down. I

keep losing weight. I just...

I just want her

to be happy.

The truth

is always the best.

What if the truth

isn't an option?

Well...

There is one other thing.

Oh, babe!

I don't wanna lie

I'm gonna take

what you're giving

'Cause I know

you're willing

To take me all the way

You got me right here

Combustible

And I can't wait

to finally explode

The big, big bang

The reason I'm alive

Hey, hey! Lou,knock

that sh*t off, man.

(GROANS)

Don't worry about Lou.

He had half his brain

removed two years ago.

LOU: f*ck off.

Okay.

Hey, uh, do you know where

I can find the basement?

The big, big bang

The reason I'm alive

When all the stars collide

In this universe inside

The big, big bang

(DOOR BUZZING)

Oh, babe

May I help you?

Hi. Yeah.

Yeah, um, I'm looking

for Jimmy Callahan.

Who sent you? The Goose?

No. Um, Edmundo.

Ah.

Welcome to

The Best Man Inc.

It's a beautiful night

We're looking for

something dumb to do

( Hey, Dab)'

I think I wanna marry you.

Just say I do

Tell me right now, baby

I think I wanna marry

you (DOOR OPENS)

So, Edmundo sent you

to come find the Oracle.

What can I do for you?

Hi. Yeah, I guess I do have

a few questions. Mmm-hmm.

Um, what exactly

do you do?

I provide best man

services for guys

like yourself who

lack in such areas.

So, I'm not alone?

Alone? No. I run a very profitable

business because of guys like you.

Here's a fun fact for you.

A kid goes to

Cornell University.

He obviously has way too

much time on his hands.

He recently confirmed

the number

of real friends

the average American has.

That means we're

not talking about

the phony

Facebook friends here.

We're talking

about the friends

who know where

your porn stash is.

That number has dropped from

three to two since 1985.

Really?

I don't have any.

How many weddings do you think

were in the US last year?

Four hundred and fifty...

2.4 million.

Four million.

That means there were

2.4 million grooms.

Do you think that each and

every single one of them

has somebody

to be their best man?

Wow. I never knew

people like you existed.

I'm like an angel.

I'm only there when you need me to be.

(DOOR OPENS)

Excuse me. You got to

get going, Jimmy.

Beth Shalom, right?

Beth Yirmeyahu.

I don't understand

why they do these things

in the middle of traffic.

It's annoying.

So, what did you

tell your fiance?

I, uh, told her that

I have a best man lined up.

You gave her the old Norton Winchell, huh?

I did what now?

The Norton Winchell. It's

the imaginary-friend covet

It's an amateur move,

but it's common.

What about your parents?

They in on it?

Oh, you don't have to

worry about them.

Why, they protesting

the marriage?

No, they passed away several years ago.

That's perfect.

Is this a large wedding

or a small wedding?

Large.

Social or family?

Social.

Hancock Park,

Bel Air, Palisades?

Downtown,

Millennium Biltmore.

All right. Let's go

over some of my packages.

If you're looking for

a basic Single Wing Ringman,

that's where

I'm your best man,

I attend your wedding

for the full day.

Okay. If you need something

a little more involved,

where I participate in all the

festivities for the weekend,

then you're talking

about a Bronze Bow Tie.

Now, if you've got

real problems,

what you need

is a Silver Cuff Link.

Now, that includes everything

in the Bronze Bow Tie

plus an additional

three groomsmen

to balance out

the bridesmaids.

For an extra

thousand dollars,

I'll throw you a bachelor

party to your liking.

How are you looking on groomsmen?

Not good at all.

Not good as in

you need one or two?

I need seven.

You need seven groomsmen?

I do.

Do you have any idea

what you're asking for?

You're asking me to

pull off a Golden Tux.

Yeah. See, I don't see that

on this pamphlet here.

It's not on the pamphlet.

Because what you're

talking about

is what we joke

about around here.

That's a laugh. "Hey, we should

try to do a Golden Tux."

(LAUGHING)

Too many moving parts.

Too many things can go wrong.

No. But there's a name for it.

There's also a name for a horse

with a horn on its head.

It's called a unicorn. It

doesn't mean I can get you one.

She will leave me.

I need your help.

You're talking about

unchartered territory.

No one's ever asked me

to pull off a Golden Tux.

And in less

than two weeks?

I have a nice job,

I have a real nice business.

I don't need this

kind of pressure, man.

I don't care how much it costs.

I need a Golden Tux!

Are you sure

she's worth it?

A guy like me doesn't

land a girl like her.

So, I lied about having

a bunch of friends.

I thought it would

make me look cool.

Never did I think

she would like me,

let alone agree

to marry me.

I am marrying a girl

who, all my life,

I never would have thought

would have looked at me twice.

And I am marrying her.

What's a little white lie

in the face of that?

Please help me. I don't

know what else to do.

I love this girl.

I'm late.

Come on, get in the car.

Really?

Yeah.

Should I follow you...

No, get in my car.

Come on.

And you'll drop

me off back here...

Will you just get in the

damn car, please? Okay.

I'm late, man.

God damn it.

f*cking white people.

(CARS HONKING)

RABBI: Now, at this time,

I would like to bring up

Stuart's best friend

to say a few words.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

Just five short years ago,

when I spoke at

Stuart's wedding,

I never expected

to be speaking

at his funeral so soon.

(CRYING)

As the only Ethiopian Jew

at A.J. Wilson High School,

I was bullied quite often.

I remember one time when

these kids took my lunch

and spilled it

all over my lap.

After they did it,

they started to

call me mean names.

(SCOFFS)

Some of them even

called me Pupil Jew-Jew.

Because they said when they turned

the lights out in the hallway,

all they could see

was my eye pupils.

"Pupil Jew-Jew."

"Here comes Pupil Jew-Jew."

Some of them

even did awful

Sammy Davis Jr.

impressions to my face.

"Sha boing boing,

you black Jew-Jew."

I was covered

in sloppy Joe

and mashed potatoes

and vegetable medley.

And, uh, I look up,

and I see Stu.

He was standing there

with a handful of napkins.

And a smile on his face

as if to say, "Everything

was going to be okay."

Stuart may have gone to that

big Shabbat in the sky,

but he's still with us.

He's up there

making sad angels laugh

and he's giving

hopeless angels hope.

And he's giving

small, little, black,

Jewish angels with

a face full of corn

a handful of napkins

and a smile

that says everything

is going to be okay.

(SINGING HEBREW PRAYER)

lam so, so sorry.

I mean, I had no idea.

(ENGINE STARTS)

This could have

easily waited.

Man, don't worry

about it.

All those things that you said about

him, those incredible things.

He really sounds like a great guy.

Who, Reinsdorf?

Reinsdorf was

a piece of sh*t.

If I end up doing

a Golden Tux for you,

(CHUCKLES) I'll say nice

things at your funeral, too.

JIMMY: sh*t, for another

100 bucks, I'll throw in

holiday cards,

birthday calls,

and if you croak within seven

years of said wedding...

You're serious?

Serious as paint.

If I do this,

you need to understand

this is strictly

a business relationship.

Right. You're not

buying a new friend.

You're hiring a best man.

Got it.

Clients sometimes

blur that line.

I'm not looking

for a friend.

I am looking for a best man.

50 grand.

Done.

Plus expenses.

You got it.

Who's officiating?

Father O'Brien.

I never heard of him.

Her family's priest.

What's my name?

Jimmy.

No, my name. I'm assuming you made

up a name for me. What is it?

Oh, I thought it was

a trick question.

It's Bic. Bic Mitchum.

Do I wear a f*cking cape?

Bic Mitchum?

It was an act

of desperation.

Bic. Hey, ladies,

what's going on?

My name is Bic and I got the d*ck.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

What's happening right now?

I'm Bic Mitchum.

Hey, you put that down

and if someone

asks you who said it,

you tell them

Bic Mitchum said it.

What do you mean that

there's no more candy?

I'm Bic Mitchum

and I love candy.

I'm Bic. Where's the p*ssy at?

What?

f*ck you!

Wait.

f*ck you, man!

No, Bic can't have these...

Bic Mitchum can have

whatever the f*ck he wants!

Bic, Bic, Bic.

All right. I like it.

Doug Harris,

congratulations.

Allow me

to introduce myself.

My name is Bic Mitchum.

I'm your new best man.

It's great to

finally meet you.

No, that's bullshit, Doug.

"It's great to

see you again, man."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Yo, what are you

doing, man?

Yo, what the f*ck are you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm sorry.

I just got really excited.

God damn it, man.

What do we do now?

You go get some rest.

Take care of them bags

under your eyes.

Stop hugging strangers.

God created the world

in seven days.

I got to do a whole lot

more in a lot less time.

I got to go find you

some damn friends.

Just keep your eye on the

ball, you little f*ck.

And you're sure I'll get laid?

Yes.

Because I haven't gotten

any since I got out.

You'll crush a*s. Seven bridesmaids.

Biltmore.

Seven? I want seven vaginas up on my face.

Do you guarantee that?

I can't guarantee that, but I'm

quite sure that they will want you.

It's you!

Look at you. Come on.

My mom isn't

paying you to talk

to your loser friends.

Loser?

Oh!

Don't talk to

Jimmy like that.

Hey, what are you

doing, Fitz?

I'll m*rder your family!

Turn it off. (CRYING)

Brentwood? Biltmore.

Hal Lane Orchestra.

Oh, man. Hal Lane is the best.

I know.

MARCI: Hurry up and finish the van.

I'm hungry.

Okay, I'll be right there.

Look, Jimmy,

I'd love to help you out,

but I promised Marci

I'd get out of the game.

Her old man hooked

me up with this job.

Job? What job?

Washing the damn van?

I'm an apprentice.

I just take care of the van

while I learn to plumb.

Stop. You look at me now and tell

me that you don't want back in.

MARCI: Where the heck did

you put the salad dressing,

you fat idiot?

(MACHINE BEEPING)

Yeah, arms up. All right,

turn around, girl.

Damn. You're trying

to smuggle

some extra a*s on the

flight, aren't you?

Isn't that what

you're doing?

Go on, girl.

You're good.

Have a nice flight.

Ooh!

Come on, man. You're

better than this, Reggie.

Who's catering this gig?

Puck.

Wolfgang? No, Hockey Puck, idiot.

'Yes,Wolfgang.

The only thing they've got

in this place is Cinnabon.

I've been eating

Cinnabon for breakfast,

lunch, and dinner

for the past six months.

Reggie, I don't need...

Okay? Of course I'm in.

That's all I needed to know.

Come on. We've a lot

of work to do.

Now?

Yes, now.

Hey, I'm clocking out.

I'm back in the game, baby.

GRETCHEN: At least Edmundo

was able to reschedule

the new salad dressing

tasting to tomorrow.

(GROANS)

There's only a week left

and we still have

so much to do.

Doug, what are you doing?

I thought maybe we'd have

a little ice cream

and then perhaps

some dessert.

Oh, that is so not fair.

You know I'm trying

to lose 4.2 pounds

before the wedding.

Well, I think you look beautiful

just the way you are.

And I got you something else.

What?

Ta-da.

(GASPS) on, my God.

I remember when we watched

Girl with a Pearl Earring,

and you said

how pretty you thought

the girl's pearl earring was.

So, I went out

and had it remade.

You know, as a pair.

Oh, my God.

You are so sweet.

That was so unnecessary.

(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)

Is that Boyz ll Men?

You know, I was thinking

of a way to alleviate

all that stress

you've been feeling.

That is not fair.

Remember, we said no teasing

each other. Mmm-mmm.

I know we agreed to

the whole "no making love"

"for the last month" rule.

That's a lot of quotes.

Yeah, but maybe

I could request

a temporary stay of the ban.

No. Honey, look,

I would love to, okay?

But the article says

this will enhance

our emotional reunification.

I know. Maybe we could

take one night off.

(STAMMERS)

Can we do that, maybe?

Just for one night.

To just have sex?

Honey, you know this is

difficult for me, too, okay?

But I am willing to make

the necessary sacrifice

to make sure that our

wedding night is perfect.

BRONSTEIN: Doug and I met

at Camp Wampacheempi.

We were both 12, and we used

to sneak out together at night

and hunt bullfrogs and...

I'm sorry.

I dropped a line.

I know I keep

tripping over it.

You know what?

You nailed it.

What about the distractions?

Do you have any party tricks?

Party tricks. Yeah, okay.

(SHOULDER DISLOCATES)

Oh!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh, sh*t.

DORIS: Oh, my God.

So, that's kind of it.

I just need a wall.

No,no,no!

(ALL GROANING)

No, don't, please.

(ALL GROANING)

I got it. There it goes.

Bronstein.

Um, I prepared

the scene from Titanic

where Jack

tries to save Rose...

Stop. We specifically asked for monologues.

We don't want any scenes.

Right, but I thought

that this would...

It said monologue.

This would showcase my talent.

Thank you.

I could read

the part of Rose.

My name is Kip Loyola.

I'm 6'4".

You don't have to...

6'3".

As you can see by my

rsum, I've done tons

(STUTTERING)

of soap operas.

Well, uh, did you

prepare anything?

On! sh*t, baby!

JIMMY: All right.

Did you, uh...

Is that, uh...

Do you have

a distraction

or a party trick

that ties in with this?

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, I guess.

That's your...

(GRUNTS)

Hey, this is bullshit, Jimmy.

You promised me

a spot on the team.

Hey, look, O,

it's not like this

is a Single Wing

Ringman thing.

I told you

I need you to drive.

I'm sick of driving.

I want in.

You can't have in

because you don't

have a party trick

distraction, do you?

I told you I've been working on

the talking backwards thing.

Well, no offense, O,

but you've been

saying the same thing

for three months.

Months three

for that saying been

you've but O

offense no well yeah.

KIP: That's pretty

f*cking cool.

Cool f*cking pretty that's.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Whoa!

How much wood

could a woodchuck chuck

if a woodchuck

could chuck wood?

No.

Wood chuck could

chuck wood a if chuck

chuck wood a could

wood much how.

(LAUGHING)

Oh!

Okay, that'll do.

Do that'll okay.

Put a sock in it.

We're done.

Sock on put.

Try the Roquefort

Buttermilk.

(GAGS)

Is it too tangy?

Uh, maybe a little.

A little?

Do you have something, maybe, a little

less harsh? 'Cause he's like...

I can offer you

the Algonquin Ranch.

Okay, give me one second.

Ray. A.R., ASAP.

Okay, honey, we're all set tomorrow.

Brunch at my parents' house.

Oh, yeah. Oh, sweetie,

I thought I told you that

I got to, uh, hit the office

tomorrow. I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no. Edmundo's bringing

some more appetizer samples.

You know I can't make

a decision without you.

(SIGHS)

Damn it. I was going to keep

this a surprise, but...

What? Bic is flying

in tomorrow morning.

Bic? The Bic?

Yeah. I have to go pick

him up from the airport.

You aren't kidding!

Oh, I'm so excited!

I wanted to keep

it a surprise.

This is so great.

Bring him to lunch with you.

No! No. No, I can't.

Why are you yelling?

I'm sorry. I just, uh...

I can't do that

because, um,

we have so much

catching up to do.

Oh, come on. Bring Bic.

I want him to help us decide

on all these fun things.

(STAMMERS) No, I don't know that that's...

He can't...

Listen to me.

He is your best man

and I have

never met him, okay?

You cannot tell me

he's flying in and not

bring him to lunch tomorrow.

Are you crazy?

(STAMMERS) Okay.

No! Take my hand.

I'll pull you in.

Stay where you are.

I mean it. I'll let go.

Oh.

(GRUNTS)

(STRAINING)

BOTH:

Near, far...

Hey. Doug's on line one.

Something's wrong.

What's going on, Tonto?

DOUG: Hey, there.

We've got a bit of a problem.

What the hell were you thinking?

She cornered me.

Doug, in the future, if

somebody asks you something

that boxes you in, you boomerang it.

"Boomerang"?

You respond with either a

compliment or a question.

Compliments are for women.

Questions are for men.

If I were to ask you

something about Bic

that you and I

haven't discussed,

what would you say, Doug?

You're, um, very handsome.

Thank you, Doug.

That's a compliment.

Compliments are for women,

questions are for men.

You throw out random words.

You're confusing me

a lot right now.

You use random words

that will distract them

from the original question.

Random words.

We have 18 hours to prepare for

this brunch with the Palmers.

Which means we have 18 hours

for a Shotgun Intro.

Let's get to work.

You want to start off

with the HW2's.

DOUG: Right.

The how-where-whats.

These are the three

basic questions

that everyone I encounter

as Bic are going to ask.

How did we meet? Where am I from?

What do I do?

If we know nothing else,

we can tread enough water

to fake a stomach cramp and run away.

How did we meet?

Uh, freshman year,

Stanford.

That means I'm smart.

sh*t. Where am I from?

I never said.

North Dakota.

Why North Dakota? Do you know

anybody in North Dakota?

No.

Nobody does. What do I do?

You're in the military. That a boy.

See, now you're thinking.

No address, no phone number.

And chicks dig

the uniform sh*t.

It's going to be like

sh**ting fish in a barrel.

Actually, I, uh, don't

think you're going to be

sh**ting any fish

in this particular barrel.

An Army guy

that's the best man

not hitting on

the bridesmaids?

They'll think

I'm a h*m*.

Well, uh, actually...

Well, actually, what? You told

them I'm a h*m*, Doug?

No. No, not that,

per se.

What, per se, Doug?

Tell me.

Bic Mitchum is actually

Father Bic Mitchum.

You told them

I'm a f*cking priest, Doug?

Well, actually, it was

Gretchen who said it.

You told Gretchen

I'm a f*cking priest, Doug?

No. Gretchen said...

There was nothing else

that popped into your head?

At the time I thought it

was a really smart idea.

A f*cking priest?

But now I can see it's going to upset you.

A f*cking priest?

f*ck! f*ck, sh*t, b*tch, d*ck, a*s!

No. No, you can't.

Oh, well, I have to

get them all out now

because I'm a f*cking

priest and I can't

cuss around

your family, Doug. f*ck!

Oh, come on.

That's the last one.

(JIMMY READING)

Jill Abromowitz,

freshman year.

Far-sighted or near-sighted'?

Far-sighted.

Okay. Wait, let me finish.

And near-sighted.

Do you supinate or pronate?

What?

Does your foot roll inward or outward?

Outward.

Okay, that explains

the weight gain.

Pepsi or Coke?

Sunset, full moon?

If you could pick your favorite

superhero, who would it be?

Is Pas-Man a superhero?

No, he's not, Doug.

Stairs or elevators?

Never mind. Forget it.

Okay, Doug, I'm almost happy right now.

What's my name?

That would be Bic: Mitchum.

Where am I from?

You're from North Dakota.

Ask me why you're

from North Dakota.

Tell me why I'm

from North Dakota.

Because who the f*ck knows

anybody from North Dakota?

I want to hear my name again.

What's my name?

Oh, you are m*therf*cking Bic Mitchum!

Rhythm.

BOTH: m*therf*cking

Bic Mitchum.

m*therf*cking Bic Mitchum.

m*therf*cking... (EXCLAIMS)

What are your phobias?

Uh, I fear raccoons.

Favorite sport, Doug?

Baseball. And I love

women's basketball.

Come on, we're getting

too tired. Up. Yes.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

JIMMY: Oh, sh*t.

Doug! Doug!

Get up. Get your a*s up. We're

going to be late for brunch.

Oh, sh*t!

JIMMY: When you get

backed into a corner,

remember your compliments,

boomerang, random words.

DOUG: Use random words.

Specifically, which

random words should I use?

Any random words. Just be yourself, Doug.

You'll be all right.

What if they start

asking too many questions?

I mean, you hardly

even know me.

Except for the fact that you

prefer showers to baths,

Pas-Man's your favorite

superhero even though

Pas-Man's not

a superhero at all,

you're far-sighted and you're

near-sighted, you supinate,

you prefer full moons over sunsets,

you're afraid of raccoons,

you love women's basketball,

you iron your boxers,

finished third

on the bar exam,

eat American,

but prefer cheddar,

you're against the designated hitter,

believe in life after death,

and you played the violin

until you were 19 years old.

Which is the same year that you lost

your virginity to Jill Abromowitz.

Let's go, man.

That will work.

You follow my lead. You

talk as little as you can.

Short answers. You don't

initiate conversation. Wi-Wo.

"Wi-Wo"?

We're in, we're out.

Oh. Wi-WO.

Wait, wait, wait.

What?

I'm getting a little nauseous, man.

What?

I think I'm in over my head, Doug.

No, no.

This is a lot. You're talking

about a whole family.

I've never done

a g*dd*mn whole family.

You're telling me

this now?

What's your last name?

Harris. Doug Harris.

Oh, sh*t!

I thought it was Angley.

What? Who's Angley?

I have to go, buddy.

No!

I'm f*cking with you.

Don't do that.

All right, relax.

That was a really

shitty thing to do.

Ring the bell, rookie.

Come on.

You guys have to understand

that I come from

a very dark past.

And by dark,

of course I'm referring

to my drug use.

I was on everything.

At one point, the only good

vein I had was between my toes.

Crystal meth. I'm not sure if any

of you guys can relate to it.

Grandma,

I've seen your teeth.

Maybe you can, or can't.

But the Lord says, "Don't

judgeth upon what happens",

"but what happens upon

what can't be judged."

Which means, yes,

I may have been to a point

where I was sucking

d*ck for money.

But that day when I woke up

face down in that snowbank,

I didn't know where I was.

I didn't even know

who I was.

And I remember

squinting because

I was being blinded

by this bright light.

I couldn't see a thing.

And when I finally opened

my eyes, I saw Jesus.

You saw Jesus?

Oh, I saw Jesus.

He was in Mary's arms in the

nativity scene at St. Michael's.

And I wept. But they

weren't tears of pain.

These were tears of joy.

From having found

my path, of course.

So, Father...

Call me Bic, please.

What made you decide

to go into the military?

Mmm.

That's a great question.

Some people are called on

to serve God.

Others are called

to serve our country.

Those who are

chosen to serve both,

they're called

Army chaplains.

I got a two-way call

from the big fellow himself.

(LAUGHING)

A priest in the military.

Yeah.

It's interesting.

Do they have a "don't ask",

"don't tell" policy

on child molesting?

Dad!

(LAUGHING)

(HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHING)

Oh, it's okay. It's okay.

That's pretty good. I've never heard

that one. Now, that's a good one.

Well, I try.

Clever.

No, it wasn't.

Somebody call the firemen

because this is hot,

hot, hot! Okay?

Do not touch.

(LAUGHING)

So, listen,

if you opt against

the Russian

mushroom bisque,

we can always go into

a more rustic theme

with the Chilean chili.

I'll be back

with the croutons.

So, Bic, uh, where are

you from originally?

Originally? North Dakota.

Oh, no kidding. What town?

Henderson.

I've never heard

of Henderson.

Oh, Henderson's

a very small town, Ed.

Oh, where is it

in relation to Bismarck?

Are you familiar

with North Dakota?

Ed's uncle has

a ranch up there.

Wow! That is something

to know, there.

Uh, no, it's actually on the

opposite side of Bismarck.

You have Bismarck here,

but once you go around...

You know the tunnel.

It's right there.

Bismarck's in the middle.

When you said "middle", all I saw

was Rita Hayworth. (CHUCKLES)

I mean, there's a striking

resemblance, isn't it?

Oh, thank you, Father.

No, there isn't.

So, Doug,

when was the last time

that you and Bic

saw each other?

March.

March?

Well, wait a minute,

wait a minute.

Because,see, in March... April,

I was in the Middle East.

Muffin juice. After that

is when I was training.

Cottage cheese helmet.

And from there is

when I was traveling,

so you're talking

three, four...

Three, four, six, seven months ago.

...six, seven years ago.

Years ago.

Honey, I thought you saw Bic at

the Vatican a couple years ago.

Wait, what did you say?

When you were in Rome,

you and Bic.

Oh, boy, that's right.

Because you left in March.

Red-hot p*ssy seltzer.

(GASPS)

Right? Right. Yeah.

That sounds right.

What did you just say?

DOUG: Hmm?

I think you said,

"Red-hot p*ssy seltzer."

Why would you say that?

ED: Red-hot p*ssy seltzer?

GRETCHEN: Honey?

What's 34 times 12?

sh*t, I didn't expect

an answer that quick.

Breathe, Doug.

Baby, what is going on with you?

(CLEARS THROAT)

DOUG: I, uh...

I, um...

I have to be

honest with you guys.

Oh, my God!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL GASP)

Honey?

sh*t, that burns!

Guys, that was so hot. I'm sorry, Doug.

It burns!

Oh, God!

Sorry. I didn't know

it was that hot, guys.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

GRANDMA: I'm on fire!

JIMMY: Oh, my God!

sh*t! No! She's on fire!

It's an inferno!

JIMMY: Holy sh*t!

(SCREAMING)

I need liquids!

JIMMY: Get back!

ED: Oh, my God!

ALISON: Get something!

It's making it worse!

Give me the tablecloth!

What is wrong with you?

I'm going to get

something else!

She just caught fire

so fast.

Don't feel bad, Doug. She goes

through a can of Aqua Net a day.

Hey, what did they say? Is she okay?

Is she going to be all right?

Gretchen, how do you

like your grandma?

What? I love her. You know that.

What happened?

No, I mean, how do you like her?

Medium, well-done?

Oh, my God, Dad.

You can be

such an as*h*le.

She has some minor burns

to her head, chest,

back, neck, and breasts,

but the doctor says

she's going to be fine.

Oh, thank God. Come

on, let's go see her.

I, uh...

I feel just awful.

Well, shake it off.

If you knew

what the old lady says

behind your back,

you would have

done it on purpose.

But let me say, that was a hell

of a tackle for a tenderfoot.

Tenderfoot? Oh, Douglas was quite

the halfback back in college.

You played football, Doug?

How come you never told me?

I thought you were

just a nerd fan.

(DOUG STAMMERING)

Yeah. Yeah,

intramurals, scrimmage.

We scrimmaged, the boys.

And, you know, I made the all-campus

team a couple times in football.

I was an all-conference

nose tackle.

Half the team's

coming in for the wedding.

Why don't we have a friendly

game of two-hand touch?

You know, the old-timers

versus the groomsmen.

What do you say?

I think that's

quite the invitation, Ed,

but there's

so much going on.

I just feel like

there's not enough time.

Oh, what's

the matter, Bic?

Afraid of getting your asses

kicked by some old-timers?

I don't think so, Pops.

All things considered, not

that bad for a Shotgun Intro.

Not that bad? I just set

Gretchen's grandmother on fire.

Wrong. We sacrificed Grandma

for the sake of the mission.

I feel terrible.

Feelings are irrelevant

in the big con.

What's important is that

our cover wasn't blown.

Every test that we encounter

will be the same, pass or fail.

As long as we pass, it

doesn't matter how we do it.

I still can't believe they

actually bought all that

People believe because they

have no reason not to.

We're going to have to

be on top of our game.

That family was sharp.

Come on,

we've got to go.

I've got some really important

people waiting on us.

(ALL GREETING) JIMMY: Look who I have?

Dougie-Doug-Doug!

ENDO: Dougie Fresh!

Doug, you look great, man.

You're losing weight,

fat a*s.

ENDO: Oh, he had to

lose weight.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Ow!

All right.

All right, stop.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Who are these people?

What, are you kidding?

You don't recognize these guys?

No.

You're looking at your groomsmen.

Come on, man.

Hey,Doug.

How have you been, bro?

Good. Yeah, real good. You?

You know,

same old same old.

(YELLS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Stop it, man.

Stop it, man.

Every time. Every time.

Jimmy, can I talk to you

for a second?

These guys cannot

be my groomsmen.

JIMMY: What are you

talking about?

For one thing, it looks like

the entire cast of Goonies

grew up and became rapists.

This one in particular

looks like

he just broke out of

a federal f*cking prison.

What you need to do is keep

it down because he did.

And he r*ped

a lot of men in there. Yes.

Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.

He's got a dark past, but when you

throw a tux on that son of a b*tch,

you're not going to

find anybody better.

The Asian

has his d*ck out.

Endo, put it up.

No. You have to get

a new party trick.

People love it.

Is that a third testicle?

Does he have three testicles?

Yeah, I've got three.

How is that a party trick?

That's neither here nor there.

Oh, I'm dead. You didn't

give me a lot of time, man.

Oh, God.

You gave me seven names, I brought

you back seven groomsmen.

I should just call it off. No!

These guys are great, man.

You're looking at the best of the best.

Not the best of the best.

They're the best of

what I had to choose from.

I'm dead.

(STAMMERS)

We've got Dickerson.

Yo.

Dickerson, you're a lounge

singer from Canada.

You perform four nights a

week at the Walleye Nook.

You do a mean Tom Jones.

Now, that part's imperative.

She won't buy it unless she

knows that you can sing.

Doug, I'm not

trying to be rude,

but nobody here

really gives a f*ck.

We're just

assigning roles.

We can get all the ancillary

particulars later on.

DORIS: Garvey,

you're a botanist.

You and Doug went to camp together

from 6th grade through 10th.

Rambis, you're a principal at Saint

Peter's Middle School in Provo, Utah.

And you're a regional racquetball champion.

Lefty, good serve.

Plunkett, you're a lawyer.

You specialize in environmental

law with a focus on forestry.

Carew, you're

a podiatrist in Knoxville.

Divorced, no kids.

I have to say, all these

guys seem a little off,

but you

at least look normal.

Oh, thanks, Doug,

I appreciate that, man.

I'm just happy to

(STUTTERS) be here.

DORIS: Drysdale,

you teach philosophy

at Bardonia

Community College.

You're a vegan.

You're also working on your first

book called The Way of Wonder.

What the f*ck

does that even mean?

Thanks,Doug,

you f*cking as*h*le.

DORIS: Alzado, you're

a computer programmer.

You met Dougie

at a conference

in Baton Rouge.

Do you want to trade?

Hell, yeah. I need to

eat some meat, man.

This vegan life

isn't for me.

Hey. There will be

no trading!

Anything else, Doug? Yeah. Plunkett's

got to be in a wheelchair.

He was hit by a car.

What?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, it's not funny.

I'm supposed to crush a*s.

I told him he was

going to crush a*s.

Argh!

JIMMY: Listen up.

Double check your measurements

and perfect your PTD's, guys.

"PTD'S"? That's your Party

Trick Distractions.

If you get backed in a corner

and you don't know what to do,

pull out your PTD.

Can I do my c*ck accent?

You're a principal in Utah. Why the

f*ck would you have a c*ck accent?

I could have

moved there, right?

Any more questions?

Yeah. When is

the bachelor party?

I don't see nothing

in the package about it.

ENDO: That's a good question.

(ALL AGREEING)

Oh, no, no. There's going

to be no bachelor party.

Gretchen and I, we both decided

that it was better that we...

Stop. There's no such thing as a mutual

decision until after you're married.

Right now, the only "we..."

GROOMSMEN: ls me and my ba*ls.

ba*ls.

All right, guys, listen up.

You have one week to know

this information so well,

it becomes a permanent

part of your memory.

That means that we've got one

week to pull off the first ever

Golden Tux.

Understand something. This has

never been done, gentlemen.

Let's go make some f*cking history, huh?

(GROOMSMEN CHEERING)

Don't worry about me

I'm gonna make it all right

Got my enemies

crossed out in my sight

I take a bad situation

Gonna make it right

Got it.

She's not the one

coming back for you

Hey! Hey,

you son of a b*tch!

Suck it! Suck it!

You're going to suck it!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(YELLING)

(CAMERA CLICKS)

If I fall back down

Hello.

Well, the worst of times,

now they don't phase me

Even if I look

and act really crazy

I went way down,

she betrayed me

Now my vision is no longer hazy

I'm very lucky to have my crew

They stood by me

when she flew

She's not the one

coming back for you

If I fall back down

(WHOOPING) You're gonna

help me back up again

Classic, Doug!

If I fall back down,

you're gonna be my friend

JIMMY: Let's go,

let's go, let's go!

You got it?

All right, let's go.

Go, go!

(DOUG MOANING)

(AS BRIDE)

What are you doing?

(AS GROOM) It's a trick

I learned in Vietnam.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

Just prepping for

a little bit of this.

Tahiti?

(SQUEALS)

Voted the number-one

most romantic

honeymoon destination.

That's amazing!

It's going to be incredible.

Oh, my gosh. Honey, that's...

(MOANING)

Hey, what has gotten

into you this week?

I've just never

seen you so frisky.

I just feel really good

about everything.

We're getting married

on Saturday.

It's exciting. Your friends

are gonna be there.

(INHALES) My friends are

all gonna be there.

I just hope

it all goes smoothly.

I checked

the 10-day forecast.

Sweetie, it's LA. It's not

like it's going to rain.

What the f*ck

did you just say?

Whoa.

Are you kidding?

What are you doing?

Why did you say

the f*cking R-word?

(WHISPERING) Shh.

Calm down. Calm down.

I didn't say it was going to rain.

(GRUNTS)

You just said it again. This

is twice now in two minutes.

Are you f*cking serious?

(WHISPERING)

Gretchen, calm down.

I just don't understand why you

continue to say this stupid sh*t.

Okay, you're right. But you know what?

(SIGHS)

We climbed

the glaciers of what?

Uh...

It was... It was, uh...

It's Patagonia.

Padronia.

Patagonia.

Political views?

Staunch Republican.

Got it.

Patagonia.

Pagon.

I'm a doctor.

What type?

Podiatrist.

Is that right?

I think that's right.

That's what it says?

Yeah. I'm a kid doctor.

No.

What are your views

on gluten?

It's a myth.

Pata...

Pata...

...go...

My name is Hobie Plunkett

and I collect...

Playbills.

Cabbage Patch Kids?

No, man, it's exotic pets,

you dumb m*therf*cker.

Dumb? You can't even say

"Patagonia," you idiot.

Garvey's family

owns a "blank" farm.

Chinchillas.

Nice.

Hey, come on, we have to

hammer out this toast, man.

Right.

They're going to want to

know why she's "the one."

It's like a band playing

their most popular song.

The crowd is just

waiting to hear it.

Let's start with

the first time you saw her.

Oh, she was

wearing a dress.

And she was pretty.

That's it? Why are you marrying her?

Why are you in love with her?

What makes her different than any

other girl that you ever met?

She talked to me.

She talked to you?

What? Yeah, seriously. Her dad

was a client at the firm.

I had seen her

a couple of times,

but she never gave me

the time of day.

And then one day I ran into

her, and it was just different.

She knew my name, she asked

me to go get a sandwich.

You're not helping me.

You have to dig deep.

Like, "From across the

room, she looked at me"

"and I swear it was like

slow motion.

"All the room stood still. I closed

my eyes and I reached out my hand,

"and in return,

I got a soul."

"And that's when I knew

that we were soul mates."

That's what I need, Doug.

But that's not real.

(SIGHS)

All right, Tonto.

Do you want to see real?

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

Yo!

Puta madre. I'm coming.

Hi! Oh, my God!

What a delightful surprise.

I wish you would have called before.

My place is a pig sty.

Eddie. Hey,

Eddie, stop. Stop.

No mas. He's one of us.

What the f*ck, cabrn?

Yeah. What the hell

is going on here?

I want to introduce you

to Dirty Eddie Sanchez.

His family had

a wedding planning business

that was one of

the biggest in the city.

But, after Father of the Bride

came out on DVD and Blu-ray,

nobody wanted to take advice

from a Mexican kid

from Boyle Heights.

So, what he decided to do

was flame it up a little bit.

Hence, Edmundo.

Da-da-da-da!

Business skyrocketed.

This is so f*cked up

on so many levels.

So, ese, why did you

bring him here?

He's taking this wedding

thing way too seriously.

All right, look, vato, weddings

are just overblown parties

direct from women's

unreasonable fantasies

and preconceived notions

that originated in childhood.

So, don't sweat the morality

of what you're doing.

Just make sure the bride

and her mother are happy.

We're in this together,

homie.

Is that your girl?

f*ck no.

That's my sister.

That's my girl.

What's up?

Oh, f*ck.

Do you want some nachos?

I'm actually okay.

No, late before I came.

I'm sorry.

What did you just ask them?

I asked them if

they wanted nachos.

Nachos?

The guy's getting

married in a week

and you're gonna

offer him nachos?

Look at him! What do you think

cheese is going to do to him?

I thought

they wanted nachos.

Use your f*cking head.

I'm going to take some.

Sit down, Jimmy!

I tried.

(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

They've been together for some time now.

Nothing's going to happen.

What?

Nothing.

You guys make

a beautiful couple.

b*tches, right?

(LAUGHING)

Do you want some weed?

No, no, I'm good.

You put the weed

in the coconut

And light that sh*t up

You put the weed in the

coconut And light that sh*t up

Get him to sing it. Come on, white boy.

I'm good, I'm good.

You put the weed in the

coconut And light that sh*t up

You're being disrespectful.

Sing the f*cking song.

You put the weed in the

coconut And light that sh*t up

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) You

put the weed in the coconut

And light that sh*t up

You put the weed

in the coconut

You two better not

f*ck this up.

DOUG: Why are we here?

JIMMY: It's called a dry run.

I do it with all my grooms.

I hate this stuff.

Hey, that's why we're here.

Groom desensitization, okay?

That's a rum and Coke.

That's your favorite, right?

Yeah. How did you know that?

I know everything, Doug.

Drink up.

All right, I want you to

keep reminding yourself that

weddings are for the women.

You're not supposed

to enjoy yourself, Doug.

If you were, there would

be big-screen TVs,

there would be gambling.

There's none of that there.

Okay, NAS

and we won't get caught.

Wait, what?

(SIGHS) NAS, Doug.

Nod and smile.

All right? Let's go.

(MOUTHS)

You all look good.

How are you, man?

Oh.

And I said, well,

put the money in the bag.

(FEEDBACK)

(GLASS CLINKING)

Hello.

Uh-oh. Showtime.

DOUG: Now, is this guy also a pro?

Yeah!

JIMMY: No. This guy

is not a professional.

(BEATBOXING)

Just kidding. I'm just kidding.

(GUESTS LAUGHING)

The moment Chris asked me

to be his best man,

I sat down and I wrote

a pretty awesome speech.

But I don't know. I think I'd

rather speak from the heart.

Oh, don't do that.

Don't you rip that paper up.

You never do that.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, you know, when Chris...

When Chris and I

first met, we, um...

Uh, well...

Chris and I have known

each other since, uh...

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Chris and I, you know,

we did stuff together.

(GAGS)

(GUESTS MURMURING)

He's going to throw up

on the f*cking bride.

And, um, Chris has been

like a brother to me.

Well,because

my real brother died.

No. Well, he didn't

die immediately.

They revived him in the ambulance,

and then, he died later.

(SOFTLY)

Is he serious?

Adolf Hitler

once said...

Holy f*cking sh*t.

Jesus Christ.

BEST MAN: Oh, God.

I'm just going to...

There was this one thing

I wanted to reference.

You know what? f*ck it.

Wolverines, brother!

I love you. Thank you.

(FEEDBACK) That's not

even the right way.

It's not an exit.

(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)

Okay. One, two...

Ain't no mountain

high enough

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Let's go dance.

No, thanks.

Douglas, you can hide

a fat a*s in baggy pants,

but you cannot

hide a bad dancer.

Come on,

I'll teach you some basics.

I'm not dancing.

It is my job to make you look

good on your wedding day.

Now, I need you

to get comfortable

with being uncomfortable.

Come on.

Stop being a p*ssy.

Let's dance.

Come on, you lead.

No, I don't want to lead.

Okay, then, fine,

be the chick, Doug.

On second thought, I will lead.

Whatever, Doug.

Just follow me.

I really don't get it.

(BAND PLAYING TANGO MUSIC)

Back.

Nice rond de jambe.

Thanks.

Twelve years of

dance lessons.

My mom said, "One day,

they would come in handy."

I doubt this is

what she had in mind.

You asked how

a gal like Gretchen

could fall for

a yutz like me.

I took her dancing.

Whoo! Now can you

hand jive, baby?

Oh, can you hand jive, baby?

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah, yeah

Teach me how to dougie

Teach me, teach me

how to dougie

Teach me how to dougie

Teach me, teach me

how to dougie

All my women love me

All my...

All my women love me

All my women love me

You ain't messing

with my dougie

Teach me how to dougie

Teach me, teach me

how to dougie

(GUESTS CHEERING)

Teach me how to dougie

Teach me, teach me

how to dougie

La, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la

(WHISPERING)

You b*stard.

La, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la

Oh.

(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(GUESTS CHEERING)

Hey!

JIMMY: So, I get a call out of

nowhere, a guy I went to school with.

I barely even knew the kid.

He goes,

"I just got engaged."

Naturally, I go, "Great.

Congratulations."

Then, he says,

"Can you be my best man?"

I barely knew the kid.

Wow, that is so weird.

So, I get to thinking, "What's

the worst that can happen?"

The guy's wedding party

consisted of me,

the bride's brother,

and this Filipino

exchange student.

And it was so sad, Doug.

Everybody is thinking,

"Why in the hell"

"would this woman

marry this loser?"

So, I grab the microphone and

I just get to talking about

how we climbed the Himalayas,

how we fished for sharks,

how this guy saved me in

a barroom brawl one time.

So much bullshit.

And I look over and I see the bride.

She's got his arm, Doug.

She's got his arm so tight

and she's glowing.

Because she's marrying

this amazing guy.

This man comes up

to me and goes, "Wow."

"I would pay money"

"to have somebody talk like

that about me at my wedding."

Light bulb.

That's the day that this

wedding hustle was born.

That's the day that I

became The Wedding Ringer.

(CHUCKLES)

I, uh...

Now, I don't want you to think

that I'm some sort of schmuck

who doesn't have

any friends.

No.

You know, my father,

he was an international

tax attorney, right?

So, we moved around

all the time.

I went to 13 different

schools by the eighth grade.

I lived on four

different continents.

And after a while

I just figured,

"Why even make

friends anymore?"

"I'm just going to have to move, anyway.

What's the point?"

And then, when my dad died,

I took over the business.

I was just working so much.

I was working too much.

Am I a loser?

No.

This is what you have

to understand, Doug.

Some people are just loners.

It's that simple, man.

Maybe I don't

want to be.

Maybe I just want someone

to grab a beer with,

to go on

a cool guy trip with.

You've never been

on a guy trip, Doug?

Cabo, Cancun, spring break? You've

never done anything like that?

I never really had

anyone to go with.

Good night, Tonto.

I gotta say,

it feels really good

to have somebody

looking out for me.

I got your back, man.

I like that.

And I got your back, too.

Hey,Doug.

I like you, man.

I think you're a great guy.

I just want you to remember that

this is a business relationship.

It doesn't mean that we're

going to be best friends.

That's not how

this story ends.

I'm just an employee with a job to do.

I get it.

You're not my best friend.

You're just my best man.

In one week,

Bic will be on a plane

headed back to

the Middle East.

Three months from now, he'll get

k*lled in a tragic: grenade accident

while giving an impromptu

sermon on the back of a Humvee.

It doesn't mean that we're not

going to have a good time, Doug.

I said I got it.

You're anybody's best friend for a

price, but nobody's when it counts.

(CLICKS TONGUE)



(DOOR OPENING)

ls everything okay?

What's the matter with you?

I don't know.

Well, now.

I never expected

the "Jimmy Callahan"

to get all soft-eyed

over a client.

No, no, it's not like that.

All I do is go

from job to job,

saving these losers

with no friends.

Losers?

Come on, Jimmy.

They're not losers.

They're just guys.

They don't share their private,

deep emotional feelings

with each other

like women do.

Women are nurturers.

We sit and listen to

each other's problems.

Which is why we're

always so miserable,

from all that

g*dd*mn listening.

(LAUGHING) You should

count your blessings.

I still think

they're losers.

Well, maybe you're right. But

let me ask you this, Jimmy.

If you ever found a woman

crazy enough to marry you,

who would be your best man?



See, this all started because you

wanted to make a guy feel good.

Do you remember how good you felt

the first time you did this?

Well, you've lost that.

You've become jaded

with all your rules.

You forgot what got you into this

business in the first place.

Your ability to be a friend,

to change someone's life.

Now, Jimmy,

we have less than a week

to pull off

the first ever Golden Tux.

So, I'm going to need you to

stop crying like a little girl,

strap on a pair,

stop wasting time

feeling sorry for yourself,

and let's bring

this sh*t home.



(TIRES SQUEALING)

Doug Harris, right?

Uh,yeah.

Come here, you little sh*t.

Wait!

Have you ever been to the 'hood?

Here you go.

Somebody help me! I'm not Doug Harris!

(GROANS)

Why did you kick me

in my ba*ls?

(GRUNTING)

DOUG: Help me! No!

Throw his a*s in the truck!

Get back there!

(THUDS)

(GROANING)

Go, go, go!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

DOUG: I'm not strapped in!

(DOUG SCREAMING)

What was that?

sh*t!

(CAR HORNS HONKING)

Oh, God, which way

is the sidewalk?

Doug, don't move!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(GROANS)

DOUG: Someone help me!

Please, God! Please!

I'm begging you!

Help!

Anybody!

(GASPS)

m:

(ALL CHEERING)

FITZGIBBONS:

Take his pants off!



You pay for the Golden Tux,

you get a bachelor party,

you son of a b*tch!



(ALL CHEERING)

FITZGIBBONS: To the house!

Don't pop that sh*t!



Hey. Hi.

Oh.

Nadia.

Hi. I'm Doug. Doug Harris.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Do you speak English?

Oh.

Have you ever been

to a Dodger game?

Do you like the Dodgers?

Oh, this is happening.

Shh!

Okay, so,

here's the deal.

I'm about to get married to

this great girl, Gretchen.

Oh! Gee!

Shh!

Um...

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Oh, boy!

On second thought,

I've got a better idea.

Party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

Isn't this so much more fun

than sucking my d*ck?

ALL: To Dougie!

Hugs from the honeys

Pounds from the roughnecks

Seen my man Sei

that I knew from the projects

Said he had beef,

asked me if I had my piece

Sure do

I'm a bad boy

Niggaz wanna front, who got your back?

Biggie

Niggaz wanna flex Who got the gat?

Biggie

It ain't hard to tell

I'm the east coast overdoser

Brand-Nubian sh*t

beatin' down punks!

This is for Dougie!

Party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

I can't swim!

And party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

Yo, where are the women at?

Did you touch my d*ck?

Okay, I'm sorry.

All right, guys.

This is for Dougie!

This is

the running of the ba*ls!

Start the machine! Ready!

Ahhh!

No! No!

(GROANING)

And bullshit

And party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

(YELLING)

And party and bullshit

All right.

What is happening here?

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

I don't like being...

Hey, hey. Shut up.

It's about you having

a good g*dd*mn time, man.

Nadia.

No!

ALL: (CHANTING) Nadia! Nadia!

We got through this already.

(SHUSHING)

You smell so sweet.

ALL: Ohh!

JIMMY: Lick that

nutty butter!

Nadia, you don't

have to do this.

What? Wait.

Oh, oh!

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL: (CHANTING) Fletcher!

Fletcher! Fletcher!

Nadia, do not

give me a fletcher.

Okay, this sh*t's gone far enough!

(SNIFFING)

Oh, Nadia, no!

Oh, God, it feels so good,

but I don't want you to.

Talk me through it, Doug!

It feels so scruffy and wet.

Why are you

licking so rapidly?

I love my fiance,

I love my fiance.

How does that feel?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, God! Okay! Okay!

(ALL LAUGH LOUDLY)

(ALL CHEERING)

(DOG BARKS)

(FLESH SQUELCHES)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL GASP)

JIMMY: Oh, sh*t!

(DOG SNARLING)

When you pull, it hurts!

(SCREAMING)

Stick a finger in his a*s!

Not my a*s,

the dog's a*s!

It's not working!

DOUG: Get it off!

(g*nsh*t)

(ALL GASP)

What the f*ck, Plunkett?

Oh, sh*t.

I didn't sh**t him. I shot up.

That dog is dead.

FITZGIBBONS: I just

tried to scare him off.

sh*t, the f*cking dog

has lockjaw.

It must have had

a heart attack.

(CRYING) There's a

dead dog on my d*ck.

DOUG: I've got to get

to a hospital, guys.

REGGIE:

His d*ck is bleeding!

The hospital's right

around the corner, okay?

You have to hold on.

Hurry up, Lou.

Every time it moves,

it hurts!

JIMMY: Where's the alcohol?

Somebody give me the alcohol!

Just breathe, Dougie!

That just burns!

Whoa, whoa!

Red light, red light!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

What the f*ck was that?

ENDO: Was that a cop?

No, it was just a cab.

(SIREN WAILING)

sh*t! We have open

bottles in here.

I can't go back to jail!

I'm tired of f*cking dudes!

You were the r*pist?

Finish your bottles!

JIMMY: Everybody, chill out!

Put the bottles down,

put your drugs away.

Do you hear me?

LURCH: This is Marci's

father's van.

I'm only 15!

OFFICER: (ON LOUDSPEAKER)

Pullover.

Lou, you have to pull

the f*cking car over.

Pull the f*cking car over.

Oh, God,

Marci's going to k*ll me.

JIMMY: You're going to

get through this, man.

This isn't going to be long.

DOUG: Get me

out of the car.

REGGIE: They're going to think

I kidnapped this white girl.

Take it. Take the g*n. I don't

want this m*therf*cker, man.

No! You take it back.

JIMMY: Shush! Shut up.

You talk too much.

I don't want it.

Take it.

Put it in your t*tties. I'm

not going to jail for this.

ENDO: I can still see it.

Shut up! This is real!

Everybody look normal. Okay?

(STUTTERS)

Have you guys been

drinking tonight?

JIMMY: No, sir.

(ALL DISAGREEING)

Not even a little bit?

No.

(GROANING)

(ALL GROANING)

Are you all right, sir?

Uh-huh.

Is that a dog?

Yeah. Why is his mouth

on your genitals?

(EXHALES)

Oh, God.



(YELLING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

JIMMY: Lou, what the

f*ck are you doing?

FITZGIBBONS:

What in the f*ck, Lou?

Stop the car, you old d*ck!

(SIREN WAILING)

Lou, watch the Buick

on your right!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Do you have to hit

every single meter, Lou?

Come on, what are you doing, Lou?

LOU: No guts, no glory!

It's a one-way street!

I know!

It's the way I'm going!

Look out! BRONSTEIN:

Stop the car!

LURCH: I hate you, Lou!

(HORN BLARING)

JIMMY: f*ck, Lou, stop!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Lou, this is a closed road!

LURCH: You're going

the wrong way, Lou!

REGGIE: I don't have a

f*cking seat belt on, Lou!

Holy sh*t!

There's a gap in the bridge!

(ALL SCREAMING)

LURCH: We're all

going to die!

JIMMY: Oh, my God!

No!

/

/

(ALL GRUNTING)

Oh, my God!

ENDO: We made it!

(ALL CHEERING)

LOU: Yeah!

Suck on this, copper.



Nadia.

Hey. You waited

all night for me?

You know, last night,

that was the greatest night

of my entire life.

I don't think I've ever felt a

connection to anybody like that before.

I know you can't

understand any of this.

But I...

Tonto.

How is it hanging?

(GROANS) I'm kind of numb.

What did they do?

Oh, they put some stitches

in your p*nis head.

The doctor said

you'll be okay, though.

Come on,

kiss her goodbye.

I've gotta go. It was really

great getting to know you.



It was great

getting to know you, too.

Wait. You speak English?

Thanks for having me

out again, Jimmy.

(SIGHS) Doug here

is a real keeper.

Call me sometime. Maybe we

can catch a Dodger game.

"Dodger game" is

code-word for f*cking.

(ALL SNORING)

Fellows.

DOUG: Where's Lou?

Lou had to go away

for a while.

He said it was

worth it, though.

(BLOWING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Burn this.



(WHOOPS)

I haven't felt this good,

this happy since...

Since ever.

Did you take one of those pills

Plunkett was handing out?

The ones that looked like Altoids?

Yes! Did you take one?

Yeah, I took one.

What did I tell you?

You said don't take anything

that looks like drugs.

Then why did you take it? Because

it looked like an Altoid.

It wasn't an Altoid, Doug.

Nah, I realized that

soon after.

I said, "Stay your a*s away from

Plunkett." Didn't I tell you that?

Now, I know

none of this is real,

but it's good to be

one of the guys.

It really is.



Come on. Let's go get

you cleaned up, man.

So, uh, let's just go and

knock this thing out, man.

We'll make you look great,

rock your wedding,

send you off to Tahiti so you

can blow Gretchen's back out.

Knock her back loose.

And then, we ship Father Bic:

off to his untimely death.

I was thinking about what you asked

me the other day about Gretchen.

Mmm-hmm.

And on our third date,

she said something

about wanting to

start a family,

how she was

ready to have kids.

And I don't know, ever

since I lost my family,

I've always wanted

to make one of my own.

Hey, do me a favor.

Be very gentle with my car.

I've seen your car...

Ain't nobody gonna

mess up this sh*t.

Okay.

Why don't you go put

some ice on your d*ck?

Yeah. No kidding,

right? God.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

I got a problem.

I can't be there

on Saturday.

What are you

talking about, Garv?

Marci's dad found a butt plug

in the glove compartment.

She knows I'm working

with you again.

I had to promise to fix the kitchen

cabinets to get her to calm down.

No. You're going to be there.

Do you hear me?

I'll call Marci myself. Is

that what you want me to do?

I'll tell her about Kokomo.

MARCI: Lurch,

where are you?

Look, Jimmy, come on.

No, don't "Look, Jimmy" me.

I'm not playing the

"Look, Jimmy" game.

No, we all made a pact.

You said the kitchen cabinets

would be done by today.

Just tell Marci that you'll do

the kitchen cabinets on Sunday.

Jimmy, go die in a fire!

I hate you.

I hope your d*ck

gets chopped off.

Roger Delta Niner.

And may God bless

whoever else is on this.

(MARCI YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

Hey.

Who is Jimmy?

Jimmy is actually a tag.

It's a tag name.

Military code.

Military code?

So,I suppose

I shouldn't pry into

the meaning of "kitchen

cabinets" then, either.

For your safety, no. I would

kind of leave it alone.

(CHUCKLES) All right, I'll see

you at the rehearsal dinner.

See you then.

Father.

Okay.

Oh, God.



HAL LANE: Six violins,

two violas, two cellos,

one contrabass,

one electric bass,

two guitars, one drum set,

and I'll be singing.

And your first dance

will be to what song?

To our song,

You Are So Beautiful.

That's by Joe Cooker.

Thanks.

What?

That's not our song.

That's not our song.

(SCOFFS)

Honey, of course it is.

No, it's not.

Yeah. Babe,

don't you remember?

Your broken CD player repeated

it over and over and over

the first time

we made love.

Oh. (WHISPERING)

It was so amazing.

That wasn't me.

That was your ex, Steve.

And I know that

because you've told me

this story about five times.

So...

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, you know, honey, it's

still such a beautiful song.

I mean, when you

really listen to the words.

Honey, it's my favorite.

Please.

Sure.

(SOFTLY) Yay.

I'm going to need a deposit.

DORIS: Gentlemen,

in these wallets,

you have a license,

credit cards,

and $300 cash.

These bags here

contain your suits

for the rehearsal dinner

as well as the wedding.

You guys get some rest. We leave

for the high school at 0800.

What are we doing

at the high school?

(LAUGHING)

DOUG: Hey, Dad.

ED: Don't ever call me Dad.

So, we were thinking maybe the

field's a little too muddy today.

You sound like my daughters.

It doesn't get any

better than this, boys.

Come on, you pussies.

Okay. Yeah, all right.

All right. Sounds good.

OTIS: We're playing

these old guys?

Listen. Let's just keep it

fun, fellows, all right?

Go out here,

amuse these old geezers.

There's no need

to rub it in their faces.

We wouldn't want

to see any coronaries.

You boys look

a little soft.

OTIS: That dude

looks familiar.

Are you sure you can

handle going both ways?

I heard Doug enjoys that.

What?

(ALL GRUNTING)

OLDER PLAYER 1:

Sit, pal! Pussies!

OLDER PLAYER 23 He's open!

JIMMY: Chop block!

That's a chop block!

Yeah! Yeah!

ED: Touchdown. Seven-zip.

I just got punched. I thought

this was touch football.

You can't play football

without blocking, b*tch.

That old m*therf*cker

is fast as sh*t.

They just caught us

off guard.

DOUG: Can we discuss

the rules again?

Come on, Doug, get up.

Good D!

OLDER PLAYER 32 It's Webster!

(OLDER PLAYERS LAUGHING)

OTIS: Those old guys

are fast and crazy, man.

This is Sean John, b*tch!

ED: Back on your side, loser.

You have a really

nice arm, sir.

Blow me, kid.

Oh...

(ALL GRUNTING)

Hut! Let's go, Doug!

(ED GRUNTING)

I don't have the ball!

(SCREAMING)

OLDER PLAYER 4: Take that, gimp!

(GROANING)

You're so mean!

What the f*ck?

I'm in a wheelchair!

DOUG: He's in a wheelchair!

Hey, fat a*s, we're going

to do your sister!

I don't have a sister.

In the a*s!

(ALL LAUGHING)

OLDER PLAYER 5:

Blue dog left, Omaha!

Yeah!

Yeah, brother!

sh*t.

(OLDER PLAYERS WHOOPING)

(LAUGHING)

Why?

ED: You're such a f*cking

embarrassment.

OTIS: Your father-in-law is a d*ck.

(GROANS)

FITZGIBBONS: Oh, God, 72 just bit me!

JIMMY All right, that's it.

(ALL CHEERING)

JIMMY: Look at us.

ED: Where'd you go to defense

school, Munchkinland?

Good one!

(ALL LAUGHING)

f*ck this, fellows.

sh*t just got real.

Get up, guys.

We're about to give these

old b*tches a nice

little serving of youth.

OTIS: All right, ready!

Set. Hike! Let's go!



JIMMY: Go, go,

Dickerson! Yeah!

(GROANING)

(CHEERING)

Old b*tch!

(SCREAMING)

Hut!

(YELLING)

(GROANS)

(LAUGHING)

How does it feel?

(WHOOPING)

f*ck!

JIMMY: Hike! Let's go!

(GRUNTING)

Oh, God!



(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

OLDER PLAYER 13 Hut one.

DOUG: Fumble!

I've got the ball!

I've got the ball!

JIMMY: This way, Doug!

This way!

I've got the ball!

JIMMY: Go, go, go!

Keep going!



(LAUGHING)

(OLDER PLAYER SCREAMING)

LURCH: Fumble!

KIP: Fumble!

(ALL YELLING)

OLDER PLAYER 23 Dog pile!

Our ball! Our ball!

Our ball!

Okay, listen, y'all.

(KNUCKLES CRACKING)

I'll be the first to say

that we underestimated

these old sons of b*tches.

(ALL AGREEING)

Listen! Right now,

we are back in the game.

The next touchdown wins, guys.

Now, Doug, I gotta be

honest with you, man.

You played a pretty

shitty game.

And the last thing

I want to do is put

the ball in your hands,

but I do know this.

I know that you're

faster than Big Ed.

I know that I can

throw you the ball.

But what I need to know is if you're

going to catch the g*dd*mn ball.

Hey, look at me.

(WHISPERS) Please don't

throw me the ball.

Doug, get off of me. OTIS: Man,

your father-in-law hates you.

Listen, I will throw it to you and

you're going to catch it. Okay?

Get some f*cking

ba*ls right now!

FITZGIBBONS:

You need this, Doug.

Be a man. OTIS: This

isn't a game anymore.

Your father-in-law has no respect for you.

OTIS: Show him you're a man.

Be a g*dd*mn man!

One, two, three.

ALL: Break!



Hike!

/

/

/

Yeah!

(GROOMSMEN CHEERING)



(LAUGHING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

DOUG: Oh, my God.

(GROANING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

How did you like

them apples?

You can't spell "Ed"

without "b*tch"!

LURCH: Whoa. Easy there.

That's going to be your dad.

(ALL CHEERING)



JIMMY: I'm so happy

for you, man.

(LAUGHING)

You're not a b*tch!



GRETCHEN: I told you

guys to be careful.

I knew someone would get hurt.

Look at this.

Well, to be fair,

we were just having fun

until your dad

and his friends

decided to make it

an MMA blood sport.

Don't pin this sh*t on me.

REGGIE: Hey, hey, now.

Hey!

Oh, my God. Who the

hell are those guys?

DOUG: What are you talking about?

Those are my friends.

That's Principal

Mitchell Rambis from Utah.

In the wheelchair,

that's Plunkett.

And that's the brilliant

philosopher, Ira Drysdale.

GRETCHEN: No. No, no.

That's the strangest

looking group

of guys I've ever

seen in my life.

What do you mean? Those are my boys.

What's up, man?

How are you doing, Doug?

My, this has been a long

time coming, hasn't it?

Palmers,

it's an honor.

Mrs. Palmer, I see

where Gretchen gets her

(STUTTERS) good looks.

Thank you.

FITZGIBBONS: Gretchen.

Yes.

On.

(CHUCKLES)

It's a pleasure finally meeting

the love of Doug's life.

Thank you. Hey, Grandma...

What the...

DOUG: Oh, wait, Bic,

I meant to tell you,

Grandma made

a full recovery.

She's doing really well.

Doesn't she look good, guys?

ALL: Yeah.

That's something else to look at there.

It's very pretty.



(CAMERA CLICKING)

What are you doing?

Nothing.

What are you feeding him? Oh,

what are you talking about?

(ALL LAUGHING)

That. He wasn't like that

until you showed up.

That's the Doug

that I know.

I've never seen

that Doug before.

Hi, everyone.

Hi. I'm Holly Munk.

I'm the head bridesmaid.

Twenty bucks says

they wrote a song.

$40 says it's The Carpenters.

You're on.

You're on.

You're onner.

You're on first.

You're more on.

You're on from God.

You're never going to

believe this, Gretch,

but we wrote you a little ditty.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

Yes. And if everyone wants

to look under your seats,

you're going to

find the lyrics

so that everybody can sing along.

(WOMAN SQUEALS)

And we're singing

to the tune of

Lean on Me.

Pay up, Father.

I don't have any cash.

I only have credit.

Do you take credit cards?

Oh, no, I only take cash.

Oh, excuse me, Ms. Maid of Honor.

What?

Are you going to chat

all night or are you

going to come up

and sing with us?

Do you think you're too good?

No, this is your guys' thing.

HOLLY: What, do you

think you're too pretty?

God always wins.

That's why you're going up there.

God is a winner.

Let's go, b*tch. Come on.

I'm coming.

ALL: It's that

time in your life

Bum-bum

When you wear something blue

Bum-bum

And something borrowed

Gretchen was dumped

By handsome Steve

We'll just hit up the Supper

Club And make some mistakes

How long did we rent the place for'?

Sing it!

Do you remember?

Oh, Christ.

Baton twirling

That's the end of the song.

Ch, thank God.

(APPLAUSE)

(WOMAN WHOOPING)

Since none of us

are songwriters,

we decided to put together

a little slide show

to toast our buddy.

He was stealing ladies' hearts

since long before we knew him.

(GUESTS LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

His friendship

came with an instant

half-point boost

to all our GPA's.

You never could crack

2.5, Dickerson!

You got me there,

buddy.

He also taught us things

that you can't learn

in a classroom.

Whether it was bowling at regionals.

GUESTS: Aw.

Running the Santa

Monica Marathon.

It was a close

call with the Kenyan.

You ran?

Yeah.

Navigating the rapids

of Colorado.

OTIS: Scuba diving

the Great Barrier Reef.

What?

Climbing the glaciers

of Patagonia.

Hmm.

Jumping out of a plane at 10,000 feet.

(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)

JIMMY: Help him out, guys.

You got it?

Yeah.

After I was hit

by a drunk driver

who was found innocent,

(GUESTS GASPING)

it was Doug

who helped me pay

for my law school tuition.

GUESTS: Aw.

That's so sweet.

(CRYING) n was you.

(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

(sesame)

JIMMY: That's okay.

The only thing that

gets hard is my n*pples.

Oh, dear.

(WHISPERS)

Let's get him out of here.

Way to keep it

together, buddy.

I wanted to quit

grad school

until Doug told me

the story of Plunkett.

Which inspired me to stay.

GUESTS: Aw.

JIMMY: He inspired us all.

When he wasn't

hitting those books,

old Doug-town was teaching

us all how to have fun.

JIMMY: Yeah, he was.

BRONSTEIN: Doug-man.

(LAUGHING)

JIMMY: I think we saved

the best for last.

This last shot is

actually my favorite.

This was a historic guy trip

with my closest friend.

As you can see

in this picture

and in all

the other pictures,

Doug is smiling,

but I think we can

all agree that in this shot,

that smile got

a whole lot brighter.

(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)

I love you, bud.

(GUESTS CHEERING)



I was a bit surprised

when I met your groomsmen.

I mean, actually, terrified.

Like, "Wah! What is that?"

But I've got to say,

they're really good guys.

(CLATTERS)

Oops.

(CLEARS THROAT)

DOUG: Honey, are you there?

GRETCHEN: I'm definitely going to

have Alison be my maid of honor.

I mean, no one

can fight over that.

But, babe, what about you? Who's

going to be your best man?

Uh...

Mitchum. Bic Mitchum.

Who?

(SPITS)

You know Bic. Bic Mitchum.

He's a buddy of mine

from Stanford.

No, I've never heard

of Bic Mitchum.

Didn't you meet Bic: at that...

I met Bic?

You know, maybe on second thought,

you didn't meet Bio because...

Because why?

He's overseas,

uh, in the military.

Oh, you know what?

Now that you mention it...

I think you have said

something about him.

Isn't he a priest

or something?

Yeah. That's right.

Yeah, I knew it.

He's a priest overseas

in the military.

GRETCHEN: But our

Wedding's in 10 days.

DOUG: But Bic's still in...

Uh, El Salvador.

Bic is flying in

tomorrow morning.

In April I was in the Middle East.

Muffin juice.

Bring him to lunch with you. No!

(SCREAMING)

GRETCHEN: lam...

Oh, my God!

...dying to

finally meet this guy.

(LAUGHING)

I'm dying to finally

meet all your friends.

Who the hell are those guys?

Those are my friends.

I am still missing the

groomsmen's information.

GRETCHEN: Those are

the strangest group of guys

I've ever seen in my life.

DOUG: Your friends

are gonna be there.

My friends are

all gonna be there.

DOUG: (ON PHONE) Sweetie.

Hey-Hon?

Gretchen, are you there?

Doug-

Don't you think

it's a bit strange

that you use Bic razors

and Mitchum deodorant,

and your best man's

name is Bic Mitchum?

Well, if your best friend

was named Jemima Colgate,

I bet you wouldn't

use Log Cabin syrup

or Aquafresh toothpaste,

would you?

It's called loyalty.

Hey, sweetie, listen,

you're just overstressed.

Why don't you get some sleep?

I'll see you tomorrow

for our big day. Okay?

Okay, bye.

Bye, sweetie.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

BRONSTEIN:

I saw the light on the night

that I passed

by her window

I saw the flickering shadows

of love on her blind

Bum-bum, da-da-a

She was my woman

(LAUGHING)

As she deceived me

I watched and

went out of my mind

DOUG: And I said,

"it's called loyalty."

I didn't teach you that.

No, that can't be taught.

You're born with that.

You look good, man.

Thank you. I wish I could

say the same for you.

(LAUGHING)

So, you know,

as I'm getting dressed,

I'm thinking to myself how

insane what we're doing is.

You just started

thinking that?

Well, I mean,

she's going to be my wife.

Shouldn't I be able

to tell her the truth?

I mean, the key

to relationships

is being honest, you know?

Up to a point.

It's all about making

her happy, Doug. All right?

Come on.

Let's go get you married.

Ah.

You look good, man.

(EXHALES)

ALL:

' My, my, my, Delilah

Why, why...

Hey, fellows.

Gather around.

Hey, hey. Guys, guys.

(ALL CONGRATULATING)

This is one of

the few times that

you're actually going

to hear me be honest.

Nine days ago, I didn't think

a Golden Tux was possible.

But in less than an hour,

we're going to have

200 unsuspecting guests

filling those pews to celebrate

some holy matrimony.

Which means that from this moment

on, we are flawless, gentlemen.

Have each other's

backs out there.

LURCH: Support each other.

Remember your HW2's,

your boomerangs,

and your Party Trick

Distractions.

Drysdale, set it off.

What time is it?

It's game time!

I said,

what time is it?

ALL: It's game time!

Guys, guys,

I'm down here. Guys.

(ALL CHEERING)

Douglas! Hi!

Perfect timing.

I was just telling

Papa Bear here

that we did have a little

bit of a "scandal"

with Father O'Brien.

He will not be able to

officiate the wedding.

But it's okay.

Rest assured,

I have everything

under control

because Father McNulty here,

he has agreed to step

as a replacement

of the shoes

of Father O'Brien.

Hello,Doug.

Hi. Great to meet you.

Father McNulty is

a wonderful priest.

I'm just happy the big day's finally

here, to be honest with you.

I would love for you

to meet all my friends.

This is my best man, Bic.

Uh, Bic must have

gone a different way.

Uh, would you guys mind

going to look for Bic?

I'd love for him to be

caught up on all this.

KIP: I'm going to go

see if he's praying.

What is going on?

What the hell is

Father McNulty doing here?

How do you know

Father McNulty?

Because he was my principal

at Benjamin Rush.

I spent half my damn middle school

years in his principal's office.

Please, please tell me

that you are kidding me.

This cannot be happening right now.

I need you to fix this.

What you want me to do?

If I go out there,

he knows I'm not

Bic Mitchum.

Shh! Wait. Wait.

I think I have an idea.

(DOOR OPENS)

Father McNulty?

Yes.

FITZGIBBONS: Go, go, go.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(BODY THUDS)

REGGIE: Oh, sh*t!

200 grand out the door,

I expect...

No, I demand perfection.

Yes, Mr. Palmer,

I assure you...

Listen, Menudo,

first you tell me

my family priest

is a g*dd*mn pervert.

Now you tell me Father

McNulty has disappeared.

Mr. Palmer,

I'll take care of this.

You better or I will

f*ck you up.

(ORGAN PLAYING WAGNER'S

BRIDAL CHORUS)



Shall we do this?

Do you, Gretchen Palmer,

take Douglas Ephraim

Ben Lazar Menahem Harris

to be your lawfully

wedded husband,

to have and to hold,

through sickness

and health,

till death do you part?

I do.

Do you, Douglas Ephraim

Ben Lazar Menahem Harris,

take Gretchen Palmer

to be your lawfully

wedded wife,

to have and to hold,

through sickness and health,

till death do you part?

I do.

(CHUCKLES)

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

(CHUCKLES)

(GUESTS LAUGHING) You

may now kiss the bride.

GUESTS: Aw. Ladies and

gentlemen, I present to you

Mr. and Mrs. Harris.

(WEDDING MUSIC PLAYING)

You are about to

blow that back out.

Don't do this here.

Don't do that.

What?

Nothing.

I'm a lounge singer myself

up there in Canada.

What kind of

stuff do you sing?

That's when I knew I was

born to work on feet.

You're a podiatrist?

I'm a podiatrist.

(BLOWS)

Big deal.

Where did you

go to school?

Uh...

You don't remember?

Harvard.

I went to Harvard.

I'm really inspired by black,

American soul singers.

Nice.

Like Tom Jones.

You went to Harvard Podiatry School?

Yeah.

What years?

20?

Oh, wow.

You work out, huh?

Isn't Tom Jones white?

Yeah, isn't he

from Wales?

(GRUNTS)

(SHOULDER DISLOCATES)

Mom!

I'm fine. I'm fine.

BRIDESMAID: Oh, my God.

Well, do you want to see?

Boom. (ZIPPER OPENS)

Yeah, three ba*ls.

Count them.

I thought you said

you was a vegan.

Okay, that's cool.

(CHUCKLES)

I can do it, too.

Stop.

That's mine.

I'm proud of you, Doug. I really am.

Well, thank you, sir.

I have to say,

I learned from the master.

Hey, well,

don't celebrate yet.

We still have

more work to do.

All right, I'm going

to wait for you outside.

Ugh. Can you believe this zipper

already broke? Okay, I'm coming.

Mrs. Harris, can I talk to you for

a second? I'll get the thing.

Uh, listen,

I may be partial here,

but I just want to say

that you have put on

the perfect wedding.

Really.

Perfect wedding?

(SCOFFS)

The zipper on my

$8,000 dress is broken,

the groomsmen are

accosting my bridesmaids,

my grandmother's burned from head

to toe, my dad's knee is shredded.

And don't even get me started

on the salad dressing.

But at least you have Doug.

True love conquers all.

True love? (SCOFFS)

Please. I'm just sick

of dating assholes.

Doug is a good guy,

he's good family material.

What can I say?

I'm a girl

that's used to a certain

kind of lifestyle,

and Doug can give me

that kind of lifestyle.

So, I've gotta go.

Bud, are you waiting on me?

Yeah. Yes.

Let's,uh,get back out there, huh?

Yeah.

Time for the first dance.

Yes, it is.

(EXHALES)

You are so beautiful

(CAMERA CLICKING)

To me

You are so beautiful

To me

HAL LANE: Will the rest of

the wedding party

please join the happy couple?

You're everything

I hoped for

You're everything I need

So, who are you really?

I'm not sure I know

what you mean by that.

There has just been some

questionable behavior

over the last

couple of days.

Like you setting my

grandmother on fire. Oh.

The secret military codes.

Mmm-hmm.

"Kitchen cabinets."

What you have to understand

is that the Lord works

in mysterious ways.

(LAUGHING)

And he thanketh...

I don't know

about the Lord.

You work in

mysterious ways.

...me

(APPLAUSE)

Thanks for the dance.

No problem.

Thank you.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

I got to talk.

We got to talk.

It's only a paper moon

What's the problem?

What's going on?

I think I made

a terrible mistake.

Gretchen doesn't love me.

She never has.

Stop it. Stop.

Of course, she loves you.

Why would you

even say that?

I overheard the two of you

talking, okay?

Okay, listen. Maybe she's

confused, or she has the jitters.

That's perfectly normal for a

woman at this stage, Doug.

You have to understand that.

It doesn't matter.

I don't love her, either.

I love the idea that

a girl who looks that hot

could like me.

I couldn't believe it. But

she's not "the one," Jimmy.

She's not even

"the two"

or "the three,"

for that matter.

Doug, nine days ago,

you came to me

and you asked me

to pull off a miracle.

Right now,

we're 30 minutes away

from pulling off

a Golden Tux.

I know. But then what?

Then I go back to

living what turns out

was a pretty lonely life. I

don't want that life anymore.

I don't want to be that guy.

Doug, you have to

calm down.

Everything is going

to be all right.

I don't want it

to be all right.

I want it to be great.

I want my real life to be

as fun as the one I paid for.

No sh*t, Doug.

You don't think

I want that? Hmm?

You don't think I want to

be a Delta Air Line pilot

or the CFO of Lubriderm

or whatever the hell

else I made up,

instead of being some guy that works

out of a renovated f*cking closet?

You don't think

I would ask Alison

to come out and have

a burrito with me?

Me? With Jimmy Callahan?

Or say, "Hey, Doug, come on,

let's go have a beer next week."

"Maybe we can catch a game."

I want to do all of

that sh*t, but I can't.

Because I can't go out

there and tell the truth.

Because you need Bic.

Nobody needs Jimmy, man.

Okay? Not a single soul

needs Jimmy.

That's reality, Doug.

I'm going to go out here and

I'm going to make my toast,

and me and you,

we are done here.

We're done.

I suggest you get your

head back in the game.

It's showtime.

If you believed in me

Good evening. My name

is Bic: Mitchum,

and,uh,

I just want to say

that it's an honor

to be here.

I've delivered many sermons,

but never

a best man's speech,

so, please bear with me.

(LAUGHING)

(GUESTS LAUGHING)

Doug and I have been

through a lot together.

Happy times and sad.

When I was accepted

into the priesthood,

Doug was there waiting

for me with a huge hug

and a Bible that was

signed by Cardinal Enders.

And when his parents,

Merle and Irene,

passed,

God rest their souls,

I cried as if

they were my own.

You know, my grandmother

once told me

that the true measure

of friendship isn't...

Isn't how you feel

about someone else.

It's about how they make

you feel about yourself.

And, uh...

I can honestly say that

I've never had a friend

to make me feel the way

that you have, Doug.

(CHUCKLES) Uh...

Um...

I'm sorry. Uh...

When Doug called me and told

me that he wanted to propose,

I was nervous. I was probably

just as nervous as he was.

And I remember asking him,

"Are you sure

she's 'the one'?"

(MOUTHS) Damn it.

He told me he, uh...

Stop!

What are you doing?

Just, uh, stop.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't know.

Doug.

(GUESTS MURMURING)

(CHUCKLES)

What are you doing, Doug?

Are you sure that you want

to go through with this?

Thanks, Jimmy.

I've got it from here.

Hi. I've got

something to say.

None of this is real.

(GUESTS GASPING)

Ooh.

Uh-oh.

What?

See,although

the flowers are beautiful

and the salad

dressing is great,

we're not married,

Gretchen and I.

(GUESTS GASPING)

We can't be

because my friend Bic

is not a priest.

Oh, sh*t, here we go.

Yeah. In fact, he's not

even in the Army.

His real name is Jimmy,

and I hired him

to be my best man

because I had

no other options.

Same with all my groomsmen.

I actually don't even know

their real last names.

Bronstein.

...is Japanese.

It's good to meet you guys.

So, please stay

and enjoy the cake.

(GUESTS MURMURING)

What do we do now?

We need to get

the f*ck out of here.

Yeah.

Great stuff tonight.

Thank you so much, bud.

Are you out of

your f*cking mind?

(ALL GASPING)

(GASPS)

Look, Gretch,

who were we kidding?

You didn't grow up

dreaming of a guy like me.

Your knight is out there somewhere.

Go find him.

ED: I'm going to

tear your head off.

You g*dd*mn m*therf*cking

pathetic piece of sh*t.

Seor, let's just relax. Get

out of my way, you fairy.

Fairy? (GRUNTS)

(GUESTS GASPING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Love you, Dougie!

HOLLY: Calm down.

GRETCHEN: You m*therf*ckers!

I swear to God...

(SCREAMING)

What the f*ck?

I will cut you!

sh*t, man.

Good game, kid. That

was a hell of a catch.

(SLAPS)

on.

All right. Thanks.

Hey. No a*s-touching

off the field, Joe.

I knew you were

full of sh*t

from the moment I met you.

I know this is gonna sound crazy,

but if you're ever in the mood,

I know a place that

has great burritos.

You just ruined

my sister's wedding

and you're asking me

out on a date?

Yes, lam.

Can I call you?

Yeah, you better.

I will.

Oh.

(EXHALES) We were

this close, Doug.

Yeah, well,

maybe next time.

Yeah.

Oh.

Here.

You saved me, Jimmy.

Yeah, well,

you saved me, too.

Did you mean what

you said back there?

Am I really your friend?

Yeah, of course I meant it.

Does that mean you

don't want my money?

f*ck yeah, I want this money.

I earned this money, man.

Damn it.

So, what the hell

do we do now?

You still have those two first-class

tickets for your honeymoon?

Yeah, why?

I've got an idea.

This is going to be the best

honeymoon ever! (ALL CHEERING)

Ever honeymoon best

the be to going is this!

Cheers, my friend.

To your first guy trip.

Mmm. I'll drink to that.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:

Everyone, please,

I need you to

take your seats.

Please fasten

your seat belts.

Can I unfasten

my pants belt?

Oh.

Oh, hello. Would you mind

holding this for a second?

Yes, Doug.

Thank you so much.

Oh, no. Okay.

Oh.

(GIGGLING)

Oh! Hi, there!

(GASPS) You like that,

don't you?

Is that a dog? You can't

have a dog on the plane.

This? No,

it's a service dog.

That's a service dog, man.

Let me show you what type

of service it can do.

Somebody send up

the peanut butter!

No! No peanut butter!

(DOG BARKING)

You put the weed

in the coconut

ALL:

You light that sh*t up

You put the weed

in the coconut

And light that sh*t up

You put the weed in the

coconut And light that sh*t up

(HIGH-PITCHED) You put

the weed in the coconut

And light that sh*t up

You put the weed

in the coconut

And you light

that sh*t up

JIMMY: Stop it, Doug.

I got a bad feeling

about this flight.

Grab your shotgun

c*ck it back

sh**t the sun

until the sky is black

Now I sure hope

that the sun got rhythm

'Cause he gonna dance

when that music hit him

Like bang, bang, bang

Darkness falls

In the nighttime

I'm camouflage

Now I-I-I-I

don't know who you are

But, girl, I wanna know

if you can move like this

And I-I-I-I

Don't know

if you gonna tell me

But I wanna know

what your name is

And you-you-you-you

Gonna make me

fall in love with you

If you keep on

shaking your hips

Now can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

I know you think

that you can move

But can you groove

the way I groove?

Grab your slingshot

Find a stone

sh**t the moon

until the night is gone

Now I sure hope

that moon got rhythm

'Cause he gonna rock

when my stone hit him

Like boom, boom, boom

Let me shine

He should know

that the day is mine

Now I-I-I-I

don't know who you are

But, girl, I wanna know

if you can move like this

And I-I-I-I

Don't know

if you gonna tell me

But I wanna know

what your name is

And you-you-you-you

Gonna make me

fall in love with you

If you keep on

shaking your hips

Now can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

I know you think

that you can move

But can you groove

the way I groove?

Now why are you

standing on the wall?

Did you come

to dance at all?

I'm watching you,

girl, watching me

If you got moves

then let me see

Can you do this?

Can you do this, lady?

Can you do this?

Can you move like I do?

Can you do this? Can

you shake, shake it, mama?

Can you do this?

Can you break it on down?

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

I know you think

that you can groove

But can you move

the way I move?

Okay. Yeah.

Okay?

Put your weight

into it.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Oh!

You hit me in my back.

I trust you, you're not gonna do it.

Don't trust me!

(RACKET CLATTERING)