Femalien: Cosmic Crush (2020)

[bunniefuu]

(upbeat mysterious music)

- [Narrator] There is a light that shines

in the distant cosmos.

Many points of energy sharing
a common mind and purpose,

but each possessing our own free will.

We are the Alterian Collective,

ascended beyond physical limitations.

We know not hunger, nor strife.

We are harvesters of data,
shepherds of knowledge.

We want your lives and hear your stories.

Our favorites are the sexy ones.

(upbeat music)

- [Dara'Tel] Expedition log 2120.

My research team has
followed me to the ends

of the charted galaxy on
a quest to k*ll a god.

Today, our vessel, The
DeJorge, touches down

on the fourth moon of Thanagar.

- Just easing her in now.

Maybe wanna grab onto something.

- [Dara'Tel] We've arrived at
the Temple of the All Mother,

where this whole cosmic course began.

(upbeat music)

And here it will end.

(moaning)

- Oh, ooh.

(laughing)

- [Dara'Tel] Professor
Dara'Tel Quenthosz, end log.

(upbeat music)

(sighing)

(computer beeping)

- Air is breathable,
with gravity at .9951.

No reading on noxious gases or bacteria.

- Excellent, Pim.

We'll touch ground in five.

Give the receiver a chance to
pick up any stray particles

that might be floating around here.

- Looks like the high country back home.

- Looks can be deceiving, Pim.

This is the boondocks of the galaxy,

and no one's been out here for millennia.

Keep an eye on those readouts.

(computer beeping)

(upbeat music)

- I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

- Ready for class, Professor.

- It's more of a field trip, Marion.

I was not aware that there
was a weapon aboard this ship.

- Well, Daddy told me to come prepared.

You know Daddy.

- I see.

Pack a full medi kit.

We'll be tackling a thick bush.

- Yeah, sure thing.

- We touch ground in five, you two.

- I think it's nice.

(mysterious music)

- Perimeter is secure, with
a beacon at every click.

- Yeah, and we're
working the lower levels,

but they appear to open
to a crude tunnel system.

Goddess knows how far those run.

- Professor?

- Yes. Only the Goddess knows for now.

(soft mysterious music)

Secure them as best as you can for now.

We'll explore them later.

Now leave me.

Leave me!

- Sure thing, Professor.

(soft mysterious music)

- I have traveled to the far
reaches of the charted galaxy,

and drained all of my project's
funding chasing a legend.

What do I find?

Could there be just a bit
of magic in the universe?

Hello there.

What are you, little one?

Are you a semi-intelligent fungus?

Are you a little highly evolved bacteria?

I think you are.

(soft moaning)

(soft music)

That was interesting.

Should we try that again?

Oh.

(soft music)

- Yes, I would want it.

- Oh.

(soft music)

- [All Mother] Come to me, Professor.

Yes, yes (laughs).

(computer beeping)

(soft upbeat music)

- [Gab-E] You're really
working that human form, Maxy.

- I don't know.

I'm honored that they
chose me for the squadron,

but humans are so much maintenance.

The teeth alone.

And don't get me started on the holes.

These humans have at
least a dozen of them,

each with a different function.

- [Gab-E] Yet, here you are.

- I don't know. I'm
still getting used to it.

It's a huge adjustment.

- [Computer] Did you hear
about the type five pulse event

that just happened in Gamma Sector?

- Gamma Sector? There's nobody out there.

A type five, for real?

- [Gab-E] That's what's
coming through the data feed.

- Yeah, I can feel it.

Oh well.

There's no way they would
give us type five anyway.

- [Gab-E] Not with that attitude.

- That assignment will
go to a senior collector.

We won't get so much as a type two

Jillaxian Diddler on our first run.

- [Gab-E] Cosmic perv alert.

This looks like a job for
Collector 4878 Maxy Prime

and her intrepid auxiliary

and the real brains of
the outfit, Gab-E Jinx.

- You're sticking with that form?

- I'm still working it out.

But, it is pleasing, utilitarian,

and it only has three holes, I think.

- Collector 4878, Auxiliary 8127,

report to council chambers
immediately for assignment.

(upbeat rock music)

Can you guess why we summoned you here?

- I heard about the type
five, but it can't be that.

- It is indeed.

- What? No, there must be some mistake.

- The Alterian High Council
is an ageless cosmic tribunal.

We have seen the birth and
death of entire star systems

while evolving into points of pure energy.

- [Hi-Co] We do not make mistakes.

- You would know that if
you weren't so newly formed.

- Right.

So why are you sending me to
investigate a godlike energy

pulse in the far reaches of the galaxy?

- We have the utmost faith
in you, Collector 4878.

- I'm here too.

- And the orgy wars of
Crimulan Seven have depleted

our reserves of collectives
for the time being.

- Yeah, I've noticed it was
a little quiet around here.

- So we are relying on you to investigate

the situation and gather intelligence,

remembering always the Alterian credo.

- Touch not, lest ye be touched.

- Correct, Collector 4878.

- I see our faith in
you was not ill-founded.

- Three cheers then for the collector,

and this other one.

(applauding)

- Were we just dismissed?

- I don't know. These
guys give me the creeps.

Let's just go.

(whooshing)

(moaning)

- Ah.

(upbeat music)

(muffled moaning)

(mysterious music)

(alien crawling)

(upbeat music)

(soft moaning)

(upbeat music)

(soft moaning)

(upbeat music)

(shivering)

(soft mysterious music)

(upbeat music)

- Come on.

(giggling)

(upbeat rock music)

(soft moaning)

(soft mysterious music)

- Hey, Maxy, have you
ever been out this far?

- No.

They say only outlaws
and long-haul freighters

ever pass through here.

- Do you think we'll find
something of interest?

- Nothing too sexy, or they
never would have sent us.

- Coming in range now.

- Boosting in two, one.

- Hey, Maxy, do you think
things'll get physical down here?

- I'd say that's a
distinct possibility, yes.

- I mean, that kinda physical.

- I'd say that's a
distinct possibility, yes.

- I thought so.

- Is that okay? It's what we trained for.

- Yeah, I'm just excited is all.

- I know what you mean.

Boosting in two, one.

- And, a little nervous.

- Well, there's a first time
for everyone, even an Alterian.

Are you ready to boost now?

- Yes.

- In two, one.

- What if I don't like it?

Or, what if I like it too much?

- I think the important
thing is to remember

your training, Gab-E.

You were put on this mission for a reason.

The High Council has faith in you,

but you need to have
faith in yourself as well.

- You're right, Maxy. I'm
gonna be the best at sex.

- That's the spirit, Gab-E.

Boosting in two, one.

- I'm gonna have all the sex.

(whooshing)

- Professor?

Professor?

- Um.

- Professor, it's past 11.

Don't you think we should
be starting our day?

Did you sleep here last night?

- Yes, Marion, thank you.

I was overtaken by the rich
Thanagarian culture of the place

and wanted to immerse myself in it.

An opportunity we should
all take while we're here.

- Of course, Professor.

But, don't you think you should um?

- Yes, Marion, thank you.

Are Jeetz and Pim awake as well?

- No.

They slept in.

Together.

- Well, fetch them and
clear out the commissary.

We'll be here for breakfast
in no more than 15 paraclicks.

I'm famished.

(soft piano music)

Marion, this is a new world.

And we are pioneers.

Pioneers don't stand
blubbering in the hall.

Pioneers clear out the
commissary and serve breakfast

for the new gods every damn day.

Now go, Marion.

Run!

Run!

(Marion sobbing)

(upbeat music)

- What a glorious plurality.

Would you look at this relic?

- This is someone else's
property, and we're trespassing.

- No, it belongs in a museum.

Look, the controls are touch activated,

and it runs on ion hyper clusters.

- Primitive.

- Right? A classic.

Do you wanna activate the fusion chambers?

All you do is flip a couple
switches and pull this lever.

- No, stop. Don't touch that.

- Let's take it for a spin.

- No, stop stop stop. This
is not why we're here.

(light music)

(sniffling)

(light music)

(crunching)

- Mm.

- You know, we're not really
doing the best on rations.

(scoffing)

I wanted to install a
stasis garden this morning.

But, we didn't quite get to that.

- Well, we were all worn
out from the journey.

I think we really needed
the extra time in bed.

- We were in cryo sleep for two months.

- We had a busy night last night.

In fact, we got real busy.

I feel drained, and I know Jeetz is.

- How could you, Jeetz?

I thought we were life mates.

- We are. I don't even know what happened.

- I hate you, Jeetz Axelrod!

(laughing)

- That's a real pathetic
way of bonding, guys.

I don't think any of this is funny.

- Oh, get over it, Jeetz.

- Is she even qualified
to be on this expedition?

- Well, her parents are
significant contributors

to the sanctorum.

I'm sure you've visited the
Alvudo Deep Space Observatory.

- Ah, gotcha.

Still, though, doesn't
she seem a little unhinged

to be toting around a blaster?

- Well, seems like a big deal to her,

and I don't foresee any
negative consequence.

Now that we've all regained our strength,

we will begin moving our
things into the temple.

We will make this our home
for the duration of the

expedition.

(soft music)

(sobbing)

- Jeetz?

Is that you?

If you think I'm packing up your sh*t

for the temple, you're clearly mistaken.

(sobbing)

That shuttle has left the dock!

(sobbing)

(soft piano music)

Jeetz?

(whirring)

(soft mysterious music)

Who the hell are you?

- I'm Gab-E Jinx. Pleased to meet you.

Ooh, you're cute.

- I'll blast you.

- Please, we mean you no harm.

We're pilgrims to the temple,
and we've lost our clothes.

Can you help us?

(soft upbeat music)

- Have you fools installed
the comm systems yet?

- Yeah, Pim is on it now.

And I have noticed your language become

gradually more a*usive throughout the day.

- Have you?

That surprises me.

- And I don't think the
Scholastica Infinitum

would like the idea of us using our comms

to barter for food.

- Priorities must shift
as necessity dictates.

If our rate of consumption
continues in this manner,

the stasis gardens won't do.

- I just wish we were involved
in some of these decisions.

- Yeah, when are we gonna get a turn

with the pleasure beast?

You barely let us touch it all day.

- Is it my fault the beast favors me?

Perhaps it senses my superior intellect.

- Blow it out your a*s.

- [Blue] Breaker, breaker, you've got

Blue Hugh Mongous on the side.

- Ooh, we got a live one.

What are you hauling, Blue?

- [Blue] On my way to Therax Beta,

with a full tanker of
soylent paste, come on.

- That'll work just fine, Bluey.

- [Blue] Sorry, what'll work? Come on.

- If that husky voice is any
indication of the caliber

of stud I'm dealing with,
you might just scratch me

right where I itch.

How's that grab you?

- [Blue] Dang, Miss, that's
a real tempting offer,

but I got a schedule to keep.

- Why do they call you Hugh Mongous?

- [Blue] Now that's a personal question.

Maybe someday, if I
get to know you better.

- You need to bring that sexy a*s of yours

to the fourth moon of
Thanagar, for some downtime.

Some all the way downtime,

if you catch my meaning, big boy.

- [Blue] Oh, h* h*, I don't know.

You seen nice and all, but--

- You got optics on that thing?

- [Blue] Yeah, top of the line, come on.

All right.

- [Pim] You like what you see, Blue?

- [Blue] Yeah, sure do.

Ooh, baby, you got more twists
than a Cenerian cyclone.

- Well then, why don't
you park that big tanker

of protein slurry and come on over?

- [Blue] Oh yeah.

(upbeat music)

- Yay!

What are we all celebrating?

- Your teammates were able
to active the comm system

and arrange for provisions
to be delivered.

- Well, that's good to hear,

especially with how much
you've all been eating.

- Well hard work builds
an appetite, Marion.

Now, who have you brought into my temple?

- Your temple, Professor?

- My temple, my dig
site, you get the idea.

- Meet my friends, Maxy and Gab-E.

They are on a pilgrimage.

- Bitchin' top.

I got one just like it.

- Right.

They didn't have any clothes,
so they had to borrow ours.

- What? That's my daxin reverb top?

- Sorry, Pim.

But, hey, I figured we're trying to get

to know the indigenous population.

After all, we thought this
moon was abandoned, right?

I mean, when I found them,

they were naked and shameless.

- Yes, very interesting.

Please see to it that
they are well tended.

Now if you'll excuse me, I
will retire to my quarters.

(soft music)

- Guys, these are my
classmates, Jeetz and Pim.

We are on a research
grant from our university

to study your goddess
and how great she is.

Or isn't.

- Marion, can I talk to
you alone for a minute?

- Anything you've got to say to me,

you can say in front of my friends here.

- Really?

Anything I could possibly
have to say to my life mate

I can say in front of these two strangers

you met 15 paraclicks ago?

- Sure, why not?

- Okay, well,

when I was making love to Pim,
I didn't think of you once.

I feel terrible about
that, but it's the truth.

Oh God, it was like
f*cking a five-alarm fire.

I was really in the moment,

like I haven't been in ages with you.

- How could you say that in
front of all these people?

- Because I want to understand, Marion.

I want to know why.

I love you, Marion!

(soft piano music)

- So are you like the
mongrel stud around here?

- We came in search of a strong
presence of a sexual nature.

But you're not it.

- Hey, I do all right.

- I'm sure you do, and
I would have you soon,

but you are not the presence we seek.

- It is nearby, though.

- You know something. You've seen it.

- Listen, Maxy, is it?

You wanna see something?

- I would like that, yes.

- You come with me.
I'll show you something.

And don't worry about her.

My buddy Jeetz is gonna
show her something too.

Something she won't soon forget.

- Are you gonna be okay?

- Yeah, I think I gotta
do something a little

different to get his attention.

(upbeat music)

- So, Pim just talks big, you know.

I don't want you to get
the wrong idea about me.

Marion is actually my ...

My li ...

- My friend and I are here to collect

erotic intel and experiences.

I understand that not
all species may share

in erotic experiences freely.

If your bond with Marion
prevents you from sharing with me

in an erotic manner, please
accept this handshake

as a token of my regard.

That was a direct quote
from the Alterian Code

of Interspecies
Fornication, Article Three.

Are you okay?

(hard breathing)

(soft music)

- [Pim] This was a sacred place
to the ancient Thanagarians.

- Yes, I can see that.

(soft music)

- I was hoping, maybe,

you could help us decipher some of this.

You are from this system, aren't you?

- In a way, yes.

- Is it your religion?

Does it vibe with what you
know about the All Mother?

(soft upbeat music)

You guys can bunk here tonight.

It's not long on comfort, or charm.

The shaman wasn't much of an artist.

Arms are kinda noodly.

And I can't tell if she's
hugging them or strangling them.

- Tentacles everywhere. Very erotic.

- You really seem to be into that. Yeah.

- Very enlightening.

- Yes, I figured they were
significant in your religion.

- Of course.

(soft music)

- Give you any ideas?

- Very stimulating.

- Good, because there's more.

(soft upbeat music)

(mysterious music)

(sobbing)

(soft piano music)

- Hey, Gorgeous.

Why so glum?

- You know why I'm glum.

Jeetz and Pim are having an affair,

and they're not, not even
bothering to hide it.

- Ah.

Those two lovebirds can't keep
their hands off each other.

(sobbing)

- Can you do something about it?

You're the professor.

Isn't it against the rules or something?

- There's no rules that I know of.

I can't impinge on their rights, Marion.

It's not my place.

In fact, I find it very arousing.

Oh.

- Everyone here is a sex maniac but me.

- Well, he is the only
man on the expedition.

It was bound to happen eventually.

- Did,

did you ever?

- No.

I mean, I considered it,
just for a change of pace.

Jeetz is especially ragged
and unkempt, even for a man.

I prefer my playthings pretty

and sweet smelling.

- Oh.

Oh, I don't know.

I've never, I've never done that before.

- Well, you may as well get used to it.

I think Pim will have your man's attention

for quite some time.

And your new friends, they
look curious and hungry.

They may want a turn with him as well.

- I suppose I brought that on myself.

- Yes, but we can have our own fun.

(sniffling)

- I

guess.

If it's all I've got for a while.

- That's it, Marion.

As they say in the tungsten
mines of Arcar Genesi,

love the one you're with.

(soft music)

- This does not bode well.

These images harken the
return of the All Mother,

the world devourer.

- Primitive superstition,
merely an ancient

excuse for an orgy party.

- The Thanagarian sex eater will reawaken,

just as the prophecies foretold.

And she will usher in oblivion,

the beast which can't be fed.

We must proceed with caution,

lest we endanger our
operatives and bring about

the end of the galaxy as we know it.

- But you must admit, Council,

the tentacles are universally appealing.

- The Goddess is not without her charms,

but the temple is no place
for fledgling collectors.

- We will pull them from the field

until we have studied the matter further.

- And we'll pray on all things erotic

that we are not too late.

I don't dare consider
what tortures our agents

have already been subjected to.

(laughing)

- I've never met a Thanagarian before.

Are you all mega hotties?

- Of course.

(soft music)

(thunder rumbling)

- Oh, this sure has been
a strange expedition.

That's for sure.

(soft music)

(splashing)

(splashing)

Maybe this cavern isn't
as secure as we thought.

- Let's retire to the surface.

- Good idea.

(soft music)

- I want you to join
me in the Throne Room,

and I want you to wear this.

(soft music)

- That's nice.

Do you think it's
appropriate for fieldwork?

- You want to impress him, don't you?

Clean yourself up and put this on.

Join me at the throne in 20 paraclicks.

(dress zipping)

(soft mysterious music)

- We saw some very interesting things

down there, Gab-E, very enlightening.

(soft music)

- Do tell.

(soft upbeat music)

That was sure nice of them
to put us up for the evening.

- Yes, we should thank them
properly in the morning.

- With sexual favors?

- Of course.

- I slept with a man today.

- Yes, Earth slang for sexual intercourse.

I prefer porking.

- No, I mean I actually slept with him.

I had dreams and everything.

They were really strange and super kinky.

- Alterians don't sleep,

and we have no subconscious
in which to dream.

Although I believe I
understand the concept.

- I think all that sex took it outta me.

I'm bushed.

- We're beings of pure energy.

Sex can't take anything out of you.

That's not how this works.

- Well how do you know?
Have you ever had it?

- Yes, just now with
the one they call Pim.

- Ah.

I guess that counts.

- How does it not?

- Well, you're a female, she's a female.

- And she pleased me and I her.

As they say in the Calomber
Casino, dealer's choice.

(upbeat music)

(moaning)

- Please, students.

A bit of decorum.

We have an honored guest joining us.

I see the pod has been
well fed in my absence.

- Yes, Professor. She especially
enjoys her new guests.

- I don't know if it's appropriate

you call me Professor anymore.

I feel my duties have shifted,

and with them, so should my title.

We are rebuilding an empire, after all.

Therefore,

Empress Dara'Tel seems only fitting.

Yes, she likes that.

Kneel, my subjects.

Kneel before your empress!

(soft music)

Yes.

Here she is now.

- Doesn't Marion have to kneel?

- No, fool.

This is my princess.

From now on, you will kneel to her.

- None of this is necessary.

Really.

- Come forth, Princess Marion.

Take your place at my side.

- Marion, look at you. You
never looked so hot before.

- Shut up, Jeetz. You've had your chance.

- We really should talk, baby.

All I can think about is doing you again.

- Silence!

Both of you, avert your eyes.

She is royalty now, and you are nothing.

The pod commands it.

- What's the pod?

- You will know soon enough, my dear.

Come closer.

You'll see for yourself.

(soft music)

- I don't know about this.

You've all been acting
strange since we got here.

I mean, the professor's on a power trip,

and you two are treating
this expedition like

some sort of, sexpedition.

It's freaking me all out!

- Should we brace her, Empress?

- No.

Let her go.

But I like that you are
taking this well, Pim.

Very good.

(soft music)

Empress Dara'Tel seems only fitting.

Kneel before your
empress! You are nothing.

Avert your eyes. The pod commands it.

- Whoa, this Empress
Dara'Tel's off her nut.

Are you getting this? Gab-E?

- Yes, the crazy ones
make the best lovers.

I'll pursue her first
thing in the morning.

- Be that as it may, there
seems to be more afoot here

than our little sexual side wager.

(soft piano music)

- Maxy, Gab-E, can I come in?

It's me, Marion.

- Hey, Marion.

- You guys are here.

- Hey, Marion.

(light music)

(sobbing)

- Everyone in this place
is so weird, except for me.

- How do you mean?

- Well, you two are okay, I guess.

A little dim is all.

- You're okay by me too, Marion.

- But my research crew,
ever since we got here,

they've been acting
stranger by the metaclick.

Must be this place.

It's getting to them somehow.

- I think you may be onto something.

There's a cavern beneath this
temple that I must show you.

- You mean the subterranean genesis pools?

Aren't they beautiful?

- Yes, but there's
something developing there

that we should investigate further.

- Bikini time!

(soft music)

Come on, guys.

Bikini time?

I need this.

(soft music)

- The pod tires of you.

Fetch me my princess.

- Uh, we got company, Empress.

I think it's that soylent paste freighter.

- Yes, the slurry to feed
our little worker bees

and keep the hive going.

Is he close?

- Landing now, Empress.

- Pim, prepare for our new guest.

Let's give him what he came for.

- Yes, Empress.

- Gab-E, are you sure that
bikinis are the best garb

for a subterfuge like this one?

- Yes, Maxy, it's the perfect cover.

Just a few sassy ladies
out for a midnight swim.

Let's go.

(upbeat music)

- The vines are progressing.

(splashing)

- The cavern is cracking
apart. I can hear it.

- Come over here. I'll show you something.

- Guys, I don't think it's safe.

- Oh, Marion, you bleat like cattle.

No wonder your lover has abandoned you.

- That was a little
harsh, wasn't it, Maxy?

- No, she's right.

If I'm gonna be any good for this team,

I've gotta get it together.

- Okay then.

Look there, under the water.

It's these pods that have been
dropping from the ceiling.

There must be a dozen of them.

- Wow, I see. Let's take a closer look.

- Sounds good, guys.

I'll just be up here keeping a lookout.

- Thank you, Marion. You do that.

(water lapping)

(mysterious music)

- You are really going
to enjoy our grotto.

Just up ahead.

- Miss, you are very lovely,
but I got a freight of slurry

out there that aint getting any fresher.

So, if we could, as they say
in the Grail Star Cluster,

get down to the get down,
I'll be on my merry way.

- Don't you want a grand
tour of our facilities?

- Lady, I got eight penises
that need satisfaction.

This is gonna take long enough as it is.

So I suggest we get down to brass tacks.

- Pim, do we have a new guest?

- You got the king of the cosmic
convoy, Blue Hugh Mongous.

- How enchanting.

- Captain of my tub.

- I'm Dara'Tel.

- Ooh, ah.

(nibbling)

- Pleasure.

- Yeah.

- I would like to welcome you
to our newest attraction here

at the Thanagarian bordello.

- Now.

You just sit down, get
comfortable and enjoy the show.

(water bubbling)

(soft music)

(Blue laughing)

- Ooh, ah (laughs).

- We got pods.

- Quiet.

Dara'Tel and Pim are over with some

freighter pilot they lured here.

- I got one for you too,
Marion, so we can each have one.

- Thank you, Gab-E.

Please.

Be quiet.

- Marion, these friends of
yours are very interesting.

(upbeat music)

(Blue laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Okay, I have no idea
where this is going now.

- I'd venture a guess that
it's going somewhere sensual.

- What are you guys?

- All will be explained in time.

- Ooh, how lucky are we today?

Our body heat has
attracted some native one.

- Oh, hey now, what are these
squishy little critters?

- Impudent cur!

How dare you kick the seeds of a god?

- What she means to say is,
this is a protected species.

- [Blue] Is that a fact?

- This is a Thanagarian pleasure pod.

Just give it a little tickle,

and it'll give you all the feels.

- I don't want no funny stuff.
Just girls, and lots of them.

What do I look like, some kinda freak?

- Just tickle the damn
pleasure pods, you ugly squid.

- All right, okay. You don't
need to get ornery now.

- Doesn't it feel good?

- Not bad. Not so bad at all.

- Would you like to try another?

- Ooh.

- [Pim] Maybe just one more.

(Blue laughing)

- Woo, woo, oh, woo.

- [Dara'Tel] Another.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa.

Whoa.

- Blue Hugh Mongous?

You finally found me
after all these miles.

Blue Hugh Mongous,

do you like my babies, Blue Hugh Mongous?

- Oh, too many for old Blue.

Whoa, h*.

Whoa, come on, come on down!

(soft mysterious music)

- See, Pim, that's why I
don't fool around with males.

No stamina.

- (laughs) Oh.

(laughing)

(pods squeaking)

(laughing)

- Should we do something
about our friend here?

- Oh, whatever. He was a d*ck anyways.

Are we still talking about him?

Oh sh*t, I love these pods.

(soft music)

(laughing)

(soft mysterious music)

- Did you see that?

I think they just k*lled that guy.

- Maxy, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- We share a hive mind.

So yes.

(soft music)

(pods squeaking)

(soft music)

(dramatic music)

(gasping)

(soft music)

(giggling)

(whooshing)

(whooshing)

(soft mysterious music)

(sobbing)

(pod squeaking)

- Hey, cutie.

Are you trying to cheer me up?

(soft music)

(pod squeaking)

Who's the precious little pod?

- All right, the coast is clear,

so let's just walk in business.

I'll see you in our room.

- Oh God. Why can't I bounce?

(Dara'Tel laughing)

- [Dara'Tel] My darling Pim,
if I didn't know any better,

I'd say you were sweet on
our large blue friend here.

- [Pim] Eh, I've done worse.

(soft mysterious music)

- Hello.

(soft mysterious music)

Hello.

Oh.

If I can't bounce, what can I do?

(upbeat music)

- Marion, the professor,

Empress, has been looking for you.

- Professor Empress knows
where to find me, doesn't she?

- No, I think that was the issue.

- Well, I'm right here.

- I see that.

- And?

What about you?

Did you still wanna have that little chat?

- Do I ever.

- Well then why don't you come over here

and tell me what you've gotta say?

(upbeat music)

(pod squeaking)

(upbeat music)

(Marion moaning)

(pod squeaking)

- Is someone there?

- Auxiliary 8127, do you read me?

It is I, Alterian High Council the First.

- Do I know you?

- Not in this form, but we have
met in the council chambers.

The High Council was
concerned that you and Maxy

were in over your heads,
and I'm here to help.

- Okay, what's your designation?

- You know, in all the commotion,
we failed to assign one.

I haven't been in the field in so long.

- Hey, since you're a
member of the High Council,

we can call you Hi-Co.

- Hi-Co.

I like it.

- These visitors, where do they come from?

- I figured they were locals.

I couldn't imagine either
of those two dipshits

piloting a star cruiser.

- Nah.

I'm not buying that local yokel story

for a new court paraclick.

No, there's more to these
interlopers than meets the eye.

These are ancient beings of great power.

- You can tell just by looking at them?

- I know this, because the pod knows this.

The pod craves their power,
but has used them as well.

We must tread lightly with
these strange visitors.

(soft mysterious music)

- It's just as we suspected.

You're dealing with a godly power here,

and your cover is blown.

- Is there somewhere safe we can boost?

- I can't boost.

I don't, I don't know
what's wrong with me.

- I feel it too.

Something in this temple
is draining our powers.

Here, come close to me.

- Ooh, so warm and tingly.

(soft music)

- Gab-E, where were you?
And who the hell is this?

- Alterian High Council the
First, field designation Hi-Co.

- I couldn't boost. Hi-Co
saved me with her power hug.

- I must confess, it would
have worked with a mere touch

of the hand, but I find your form pleasing

and I took advantage of the situation.

For that, I apologize.

- That's okay, Hi-Co. I
find your form pleasing too.

Maybe later we can get to
know each other better.

- I'd like that, Gab-E.

- Yeah, well, as they say
in the Motel Stars area,

get a room, you two.

But get it somewhere else.
We're leaving tonight.

- No, we have to stay and
fix the damage we've done.

- It's funny a High
Council member would forget

the Alterian Code of Noninterference.

- [Hi-Co] Yes, Collector
Maxy, but you may have noticed

strange activity here recently.

- Yeah, you could say that again.

- Well these events have been accelerated

by your presence here.

We are in the lair of an ancient beast

that has been feeding off
people since we've arrived.

- I think I would have
noticed if an ancient beast

was feeding off of me.

- Have you tried using your powers lately?

The council has been unable to reach you.

Can you connect to them?

- I can't.

I can't see anything past the temple.

- I can even feel my vast
energy slowly dwindle

as the beast grows in power.

What took hundreds of
years in empire building

is done in a matter of days with you two

Alterian energy cows loafing around.

- Hey.

- The energy cow is worshiped
as a god in some faiths.

I'll take it as a compliment.

- We have to fix the mess we've made.

- Can't we just boost back to domicile

and let Marion and the g*ng sort it out?

They seem like a capable bunch.

- The Thanagarian pod
beast is a world devourer,

a planet ender.

It won't stop at Thanagar.

It will continue across the
galaxy just as it did before

and they'll be nothing left.

We won't be leaving this
to Marion and the g*ng.

We'll destroy this
monster, and we'll return

to Alteria for a hero's welcome.

- How do you suppose we do that?

- We give the b*tch what she wants.

(soft mysterious music)

(upbeat music)

- [All Mother] Our last union.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat rock music)

(laughing)

- [Pim] Am I supposed to be here?

(soft mysterious music)

(water trickling)

- We seek an audience with the empress.

- Wait, there is three of you now?

- This is Hi-Co. She's new.

- [Jeetz] Hi-Co pleases the pod.

- Do I?

- I don't really know. The
pod doesn't talk to me much.

- You guys really went to
town on that protein slurry.

- It's hungry work, building an empire.

- This is what you call an empire?

It looks like an outer
colony poo hatch den.

- This place is straight outer colony.

- Hey.

We're getting stronger every day.

You'll see.

- Someone is here.

Beast of great and delicious power.

(hissing)

- We seek an audience with Her Majesty,

Dara'Tel, the Empress of Thanagar.

First child of the All Mother,

herald to the world eater
and voice of the pod.

- I'm listening.

Maxy, is it?

- Alterian Collective Unit 4878.

Field designation Maxy Prime.

- Alterian Collective, you say?

All of you?

You masquerade as common pilgrims.

You think the pod couldn't
sniff out your powers,

but we knew you were special

before you even entered this temple.

Such is the glory of the pod.

- We Alterians worship
great power above all else,

especially that of an
erotic and carnal nature.

We sensed the pod's
lusty energies from afar,

and we are here seeking union with her.

- The Goddess seeks no union.

She only wishes to consume.

- And so we shall live on
in the belly of the Goddess.

- We are beings of pure energy.

As you know, energy cannot be destroyed.

It merely changes form.

- It is our place in the cosmic dance.

- [Hi-Co] We are not
bound by flesh as you are,

Dara'Tel of the Scholastica
Infitum Sanctorum.

- The sanctorum is far behind me now.

Here,

I am an empress.

- Then grant we fulfill
our destiny, Empress.

A union between the pod
and the Alterian Collective

could be just the thing to
spread her glorious spore

across the expanse of time and space.

- The Goddess does not need
your union to spread her spore.

But still,

you intrigue the pod.

You will be first.

- With honor, Empress.

- Uh-uh, uh-uh, hold on.

Slowly.

The pod enjoys a show.

(upbeat dance music)

(soft whooshing)

(upbeat dance music)

(soft whooshing)

(upbeat dance music)

(soft whooshing)

(upbeat dance music)

(upbeat rock music)

(soft rock music)

(cavern cracking)

(soft music)

- Empress, are we thinking
enough is enough here?

- No, we will just feel
the energy flowing.

The power coursing through the tentacles.

- Yeah, I feel it.

It's gonna bring this whole temple down.

- Pim, this temple has
stood for an eternity,

and it's gonna stand
for an eternity longer.

- Okay.

I'm just gonna run some
trash out to the pile.

(soft music)

- Never mind them, my love.

Join me.

As we usher in

a new age.

(soft music)

My Goddess, no!

(blaster whirring)

(soft upbeat music)

- The pod is dying. We must
leave this place at once.

- Can you boost? I can't even change form.

- Ditto.

- It was all the energy I could muster

to overload the beast.

I'm as drained as you are.

- There's a twin-ion deep star cruiser

parked just outside the temple.

If we can make that, I can
get us into the jump ship.

- Then it's home free.

- Sounds like a plan. Let's move.

(Dara'Tel screaming and crying)

(Dara'Tel screaming)

(soft music)

- [Gab-E] Marion, what's gotten into you?

- You did this.

You ruined everything.

It was so beautiful until
you Alterians came along.

- Your god is dead, Marion,
and will soon be buried.

Will you stay here with your empress,

presiding over a pile of rubble?

Or will you come with us?

- I don't know.

It's all just so confusing.

(punch striking)

(laser firing)

- Okay, let's grab her and
get the hell outta here.

(ground trembling)

(soft music)

(engines firing)

- The sun rises again on Thanagar.

- Maybe we'll get another
8,000 years of peace.

- I wouldn't bet on it, Gab-E.

(soft music)

(door opening)

- Well, it was still a
good mission overall.

- We awakened an ancient, godlike evil

and set it loose in the universe.

How is that a good mission?

- We didn't awaken the pod. We exposed it.

We saved the princess, and
we got it all cleared up.

No harm done.

- We destroyed an ancient temple.

- Well sure, but nobody got hurt.

- Well, Dara did.

(soft upbeat music)

Also, I punched Marion.

And what about that
Jillaxian freighter captain?

- Oh.

I forgot about him.

- Hey, let's leave that
out of the report, cool?

- Cool as the ice moon
on Party Planet Seven.

- Ch.

(ship flying)

- I found a couple stowaways.

- Dammit, I'm so easy to
sneak up on without my powers.

I don't see anything coming anymore.

- What do you say, Captain, to
the jettison hatch with them?

- Yeah, whatever, those guys are jerks.

- Wait, Maxy, you still gotta make it

with a male of the species.

- Oh yeah.

I was planning on giving that one the sex.

- Well, you can't jettison
me quite yet then, can you?

- I suppose not.

- And we had our fun, the
two of us. Didn't we, Maxy?

You don't wanna toss old Pim into space.

- We might harvest data from this one yet.

(soft music)

- Oh, Gab-E, someone has to man the ship.

You're gonna have to sit this one out.

(soft music)

- I never get to have any fun.

(group laughing)

(light music)

- Well, since none of
our powers have returned,

we have to do this the old-fashioned way.

- Yes, it's interesting
that none of my life energy

has returned in any significant way.

(soft music)

(door opening)

(soft upbeat music)

- Those Alterians sure were
some hot pieces of cosmic a*s.

- Yeah.

Hey, why do you think they haven't gotten

their powers back yet?

- Probably all the pleasure
pods I smuggled aboard

before we took off.

- All right, I got a bunch too.

(cupboards shaking)

(soft music)

(crowd cheering)

(soft upbeat music)

(soft music)

(upbeat music)

- Secrets of the natives

revealed.

Discover the ancient erotic healing

of the Thanagarian shamans, shamans.

In the comfort of your own home or office.

Embark on a sensual spirit quest

with the organic and holistic
Thanagarian pleasure pod.

Quantities are limited and going fast.

Such is the glory of the pod.

(upbeat music)

Order now.

(upbeat music)

- Whoa, h*, let's do that again!

(upbeat music)

(laughing)