Meet My Valentine (2015)

[bunniefuu]

( waves crashing )

Woman:

Mr. Bishop?

Mr. Bishop, we really

need you to stay still.

Okay.

( machine humming )

( humming stops )

- Okay.

-( girl giggling )

Girl:

This is gonna be good.

Phoebe,

Daddys trying to rest.

( giggles )

Thats it.

Ive had all

I can stands,

and I cant stands

no more!

( Phoebe laughs )

Daddy, put me down!

You want to wrassle

with "King Crazy Hair,"

this is what you get!

Hah!

Whats "wrassling"?

Whats wrassling?

This is wrassling!

Daddy!

Im dizzy!

( sighs )

Me, too.

Hey, I have

a speech tonight.

You want to come

pick out my tie?

Yeah.

Probably a good idea

to wait for the room

to stop spinning, right?

- Uh-huh.

- ( chuckles )

Phoebe picked this

out for me,

and I managed

to tie it myself.

Trash is full.

What?

Can you take out

the trash?

But I just

finished getting--

Dressed, and you

look great as usual,

and I am late.

As usual.

Yeah. Great.

Were on the same page.

Uh, only 10 more years

till Phoebe goes

to college.

We can do this,

right? Bye.

( sighs )

Bishop:

Its not the artists job

to reflect nature.

The camera on my iPhone

can do that.

The artists job

is to take nature

and wrap it

in a beautiful little bow

and present it in a way

that even my agent

can understand.

( laughter )

That might have

hurt his feelings

if he were

listening to anything

Im saying right now.

You are all

blank canvases

sitting in front

of blank canvases,

and what could be

more exciting than that?

Creation itself

is in your hands.

Every stroke counts.

Thank you all very much,

and keep painting.

( applause )

Coming through.

- ( ringing )

- Ah, fiddlesticks.

- What is it?

- Can you get the...?

- Man: Oh, jeez.

- ( ringing )

- ( phone beeps )

- Hello?

Gracie!

Uh, uh-huh...?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Im sorry.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, Ive got

Michael manning your pot.

( winces )

- Ow. Ooh.

- Here.

But listen.

Hey, do you think

you could

find it in your heart

to come in?

( scoffs )

Dinner was

supposed to be 13--

okay,

now 14 minutes ago,

and we are still

on hors doeuvres.

You are ruining

my sons graduation.

Youre ruining it!

( timer beeping )

Gotta go.

Well, at least

the clients happy.

Thats whats important.

( moans )

Listen, are you gonna

be okay here for a second?

Im gonna go

talk to her.

- Im good.

- Okay.

Oh.

You know, she was

at the lecture.

Was she?

Are you

all right, Tom?

Im fine.

Because as much

as I appreciate these checks

from the college gigs,

Im still waiting for--

Youll get it

when its finished

and not

a second sooner.

Could you give me a hint?

Is it 80% there?

( sighs )

Well, youre

getting warm.

Uh...

are you gonna stay

for dessert?

Im a happily

married man.

Heh.

Theres no such thing

as a happily married man.

( sizzling )

Phoebe: Uncle Mac,

youre here!

Hes always here.

Go have a seat,

cause Im about

to rock your world.

( Phoebe giggles )

Howd he convince you

to let him touch

the stove?

He wanted to pull

his weight.

Maybe he can

keep pulling it

all the way to

a new apartment.

Val, you know I would

move out if I could,

but theres nothing.

Theres

literally nothing

thats available.

Oh... ah.

Theres a lot of lies

on the Internet, Val.

- Im gonna get her juice.

- Val: Mm-hmm.

Need you to show me

how to do that map

thing on my phone.

Why?

Im going

to Century City

to look at that

restaurant...?

The one that Michael

wanted me to see.

Thought we talked

about this already.

Im just gonna look.

She hardly sees you

as it is.

Fine. You have

the GPS thingy

in your car?

No, cause I

have my phone.

The last time you used

the map on your phone,

you got a call,

and you ended up

in Temecula.

Thats good.

Im taking that

for my act.

Okay. Put the GPS

in my car.

Do you know

how to use it?

I will figure it out.

I will program it for you.

As a matter of fact,

I will draw you a map

just as a backup.

Mwah!

Its called "helping,"

Val, not "controlling."

- Mm-hmm.

- What happened

to your hand?

Nothing.

Its fine, Tom.

- Bye, Mommy!

- Bye, baby!

( dripping )

It is

the perfect spot, Val.

The kitchen

hardly needs any work.

I mean, it is--

it is ready to go.

- ( drips )

- Just a leak.

Easy fix.

Duct tape.

Oh, Michael...

Okay, uh,

and yesterday.

Remember yesterday when

we were walking through

the seventh level of hell?

- You remember that?

- ( laughs )

Were better than that.

Youre better than

just being a caterer.

Every great chef, right,

needs her own restaurant.

Look! A chandelier!

Tom and I

had an agreement.

It was

my decision, too.

I know how much

being a mom means to you,

but I also see your eyes

when youre working.

- You love it.

- ( laughs )

You do.

Val, look,

I believe in you.

( sighs )

I want to be

your partner.

Lets show the world.

Lets-- lets show

your daughter what we can do!

Yeah?

- All right!

- ( groans )

( cork pops )

( laughs )

Here it comes.

To the queen

of the kitchen.

Thank you. Cheers.

Cheers, my friend.

( laughs )

So hows Tom feeling

about all this?

I havent

told him yet.

Because he

wouldnt understand.

All right.

Well, you know,

that sounds...

really bad.

This really sucks.

( chuckles )

Val.

When did you know

things were starting

to be a little bit...

between you and Jake?

Oh.

Well,

when his first mistress

got into a fight

with his second mistress

at my daughters

christening.

Oh, yeah,

good times. Mm.

Hm.

What is going on

with you?

- Nothing, nothing.

- What?

No, its just, um,

things have

been a little bit

cold lately, and...

Do you think

its possible to still

be in love with someone,

but fall--

Fall out of like?

Yes. Its like,

do I love my husband?

Hes my husband,

but sometimes hes--

Oh, yeah. I know.

But men suck.

- Hi, girls!

- Hey.

- Hi!

- Hey, munchkin.

Hanson Carters new

music video comes on

in five minutes.

- Yeah.

- Hanson Carter!

Its gonna be

totally awesome.

You want to go upstairs

and watch it?

- Yes.

- Yes!

Okay. Okay.

The babysitters

gonna be here soon.

Wow.

Just wow.

That was-- Ive

been watching you

for 15 minutes, Tom.

You should

sell tickets.

This is--

its like

watching someone

tend a Buddhist garden.

You are a genius.

Is it 5:00 already?

People say I dont

do anything all day.

- Ladies?

- Brynn: Oh, my stars!

Is that

the Tom Bishop?

I thought you did

paid appearances now,

big shot.

Yeah, yeah.

Hi, Brynn.

I got these for you.

Which is a joke

I thought would be funnier.

Tom:

You guys ready to go?

Hes way funnier

onstage.

Well, that remains

to be seen.

I mean, I have

40 laughs. Brynn, 40--

Im managing

expectations.

Very smooth.

-40 laughs.

- Brynn: Please tell me they

serve alcohol at this place.

Val:

Well, they better.

Ooh.

Youre going in

on the restaurant,

arent you?

I wanted to talk

to you about that.

I think it would be

a great opportunity

for us--

for all of us.

Well, I couldnt

have talked you

out of it anyway.

But in this case,

I think youre

out of your league.

And that,

ladies and gentlemen,

is why you never date

a pediatrician.

My time is up.

Thanks, everyone.

Everybody give it up

for Chet Chaney, man.

Come on, one more

round of applause

for Chet Chaney.

I hate this guy.

Hate him.

Is this the guy

that Tammy--

I thought

you were over her.

Oh, I dont care

about Tammy. Its Dale.

He was my little guy,

and we were gonna

raise him together,

and now because she

doesnt want me anymore,

I gotta deal

with the fact

that this guy

is gonna be the one

tucking him in at night,

that hes gonna be

the one that looks

at him as a father?

Its too much, man.

Its too much.

Come on. So you ready

for this next comic?

Dale was your dog,

right?

Labradoodle.

I think I just got

the light. Im, uh--

- lets go do this.

- Okay.

- Break a leg.

- Brynn: How is Mac funny?

I mean, Ive not seen

him funny one time.

- I dont get it.

- Hmm.

Uh-oh.

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

Do you think

Im out of my league?

With the restaurant,

I mean?

Oh, honey.

Youre in the majors,

and the rest of us

are just playing

intramural field hockey.

( feet tapping )

When you say things like that,

I could just kiss you.

Oh, well, at least wait

till I get to the bar

so I can get some

free drinks out of it.

- Oh.

- ( chuckles )

Emcee:

But, um, this guy

is nowhere near

as funny as the last dude,

but, hey, hes here,

so everybody give a--

a small clap for...

Mac Brown.

( applause )

Uh, its a pleasure

to be here.

You almost

missed Mac.

The first thing I noticed

as I look around the room

is we have ladies here.

I just like to take

a moment up front and

apologize to the ladies.

Ladies, Im sorry

Im not better-looking.

I wish I was

a really good-looking guy.

I would take my shirt off,

-dance around.

Youd all be very excited.

- ( applause )

I had a conversation

with this girl once.

Cause I found out

when she was in college,

she spent a semester

in Ireland.

I said to this girl,

"When you were in Ireland,

were you with

a lot of guys?"

And her answer was,

"Dont worry about it."

And that is not

a very good answer.

That is not

what you want to hear.

Because women have

a particular kind of math

when it comes

to hooking up, right?

If she says "two,"

it probably means five.

If she says "five,"

it probably means 10.

And if she says

"Dont worry about it,"

it means theyre singing

folk songs about her.

- ( laughter )

-In Ireland, as we speak--

There is a statue

of her in Dublin

the boys touch for good luck

when they turn 13.

( cheering )

Anyway...

I try to date, you know.

I date a lot.

Okay, not a lot,

but I try to...

( scanner humming )

Doctor:

Four to six months,

you can expect

the first signs to show,

usually, uh, tremors

in the hands and feet,

then a relatively

quick decline

in motor skills,

followed by agnosia,

or the loss of ability

to recognize people,

places, words, et cetera.

Now, the usual

course of action

would be to operate,

but, um...

the particular placement

being what it is,

Im afraid surgery

is not an option,

Mr. Bishop.

How much time?

Its hard to predict

with tumors.

How much time?

Nine months,

a year at most.

Ahem.

Well, then Ill have

my nurse schedule

your first round

of chemotherapy

for tomorrow.

Tomorrow...

tomorrow?

We need to begin

as soon as possible.

In the meantime,

Id like to talk

about your diet.

Uh, not insofar

as how itll affect

your prognosis,

but rather how itll

help you tolerate

the chemotherapy.

( knock on door )

Since when

do you knock?

Tom...

What are you

doing, Mac?

All right, I knew

this wasnt for me.

"Passages

of the Heart."

Guy at the bookstore

said it is the best

"your-friend-is-dying" book

for under $10.

( laughs )

I-Im sorry. I was--

I was just trying to help.

I know.

Seriously, though,

how are you?

Im fine.

Hows Val?

She doesnt know,

not yet.

Okay, not yet,

as in youre waiting

to see if theres a cure?

Theres no cure.

All right, listen, Tom,

I am the last guy

who should be

giving out advice.

I mean, I spend $200

a month on comic books.

But you gotta tell her.

No, not yet.

The second

Val finds out

about this,

this whole thing

becomes emotional,

and I dont have time

for emotion. Not now.

I have a plan.

And I need to stay

focused on that right now.

So I was thinking

about our conversation

the other night--

about Dale.

- My dog?

- Someday soon, I will be...

- Tom--

- ...gone.

- Tom--

- And when I am,

Valentine is gonna look

for someone new.

And that person

is going to become...

Phoebes dad.

Hes going to have

breakfast at my

kitchen table,

and sleep

in my bed,

and watch my little girl

grow up.

Hes going to teach her

how to drive a car.

She doesnt even know

how to ride a bike yet.

Im not gonna be here

for that.

There are a thousand

of those things

that I am not gonna

get a chance to see.

I dont know

how to face this,

knowing that the person

who might become her dad

isnt good enough.

I need to have a say

in who raises

my daughter.

Tom, Im--

Im honored.

I mean, listen,

I always thought Val was hot,

so thats not

gonna be a problem,

but for you to think Id be

a good father for Phoebe,

- I mean, I just--

- Not you.

Fair enough.

Im going to find

my own replacement.

Is this what your meeting

was about today?

-Because if so...

- No, no.

This is just

something Mac

came up with.

Yeah, right,

it was my idea.

You know,

its, uh, funny.

Its for my

YouTube channel.

So, okay, let me

get this straight.

You want to put

pictures of me

-on Singles.net?

- Mm-hmm.

And then

when guys come...

- Then Mac

jumps out and--

- Filming. I film.

Yeah,

the whole things

being filmed,

- like "Candid Camera"

or one of those--

- Yeah, hilar--

- itll be hilarious.

- Its supposed to be funny.

We havent figured out

all-- the ending of it--

Theres things,

but Ill be funny.

Okay...

youre not gonna use

any of the vacation photos?

What? No.

No.

Okay. Well, then...

pftt...

...cool.

I mean, do what you want.

I mean, nobody watches

that stupid channel anyway.

- No offense.

- None taken.

Ahem.

You know, this whole thing

isnt like you...

like, at all.

Sometimes

people change.

Mm-hmm. Not usually.

Mac:

All right.

Singles.net.

Gonna need name.

Valen--

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa.

What, are you nuts?

Dont use

her real name.

All right, fine.

An alias,

give me an alias.

Um...

I like Nina,

Nina Blair.

Nina. Okay.

Its a sexy spy name.

That works.

Nina Blair.

Okay, pic.

Need a picture.

Okay, here.

Another one...

- Uh...

- Okay, look.

Here, this one.

Right there.

Not a chance. No.

Look how much skin

shes showing.

Too much skin?

Tom, Ive seen

Amish women

in less than that.

Theyre gonna

want to see what

she looks like, okay?

Theyre dudes.

- Fine, fine.

Use that one.

- Okay. All right.

Oh, and one more thing

before I forget--

this is

a stupid idea!

Now, interests.

( keyboard clicking )

( birds chirping )

Thats just

something stupid

Lexi left.

Oh, yeah?

Did Lexi do this, too?

Thats what I thought.

Ready to go

pick out breakfast?

Yeah.

- Tom: Well?

- Phoebe: Not yet.

That one...

looks like pancakes.

Really?

I see oatmeal.

Nope. Its pancakes

with chocolate chips.

( chuckles )

Those are huge

chocolate chips.

( rattling )

Its not

science, Daddy.

- Its cooking.

- I know.

Mommy doesnt

measure.

She doesnt give you

chocolate chips

while shes doing it

either.

Sugar is her

secret ingredient.

Oh, yeah?

You talk to Mom a lot.

Does she ever tell you

about things that she likes?

Like, I dont know--

books or TV--

outside stuff?

Are you making

a "hot list"?

What is that?

Its from the magazine.

A hot list is a list

of things that someone

thinks is hot.

Its really cool.

Hanson Carter thinks

Xbox, snowboarding,

and Iron Man are hot.

Yeah, okay.

So if I was making

a "hot list" for Mom,

what do you think

might be on it?

I dont know.

Ask Mom. Duh.

( chuckles )

Esteban, you know

I dont like

the word no

for an answer!

Well, then let me say it

again in Spanish. No!

Ha, thats clever.

Um, what if I told you

that we had

Val Bishop on board?

Id ask if you

got her drunk.

I am totally sober,

Esteban.

Esteban,

come on, please!

Just take one chance

in your life.

( sighs )

My wifes

gonna k*ll me.

Um, Esteban, I think you

made a very wise decision,

and Val and I

will not let you down,

and we are

super excited,

and well send you

paperwork tomorrow,

and Im gonna

get off the phone now

before you

change your mind.

Bye. Thank you.

- ( phone beeps )

- What?!

Im sweating.

- Youre sweating?

- Yes.

Youre sweating

because youre nervous,

and now we have good news.

And this is great news,

because between you and me

and Esteban, right,

were gonna

have the best menu,

the best restaurant.

This is gonna be

frickin amazing.

Now we just have

to think of a name.

I thought we decided

on, uh... "Michaels."

Oh, right, right.

You were also flying

when you were having

that dream, right?

Fair enough. Fair enough.

Do we have an opening date?

March.

- March?

- Opening month.

Were gonna miss

Valentines Day.

Michael, its better,

because, God, remember

when we used

to work at Maurys?

Oh, yeah, Maury.

He would say that "V-Day

was like D-Day..."

( together )

"Only vurse!"

- Thats right.

- Yeah.

So, you know,

its too crazy.

Plus, you know,

as Tom says,

Valentines Day is

just a "made-up holiday

so lesser artists

can sell greeting cards."

( whistles )

What a romantic.

I truly believe

that this place is

gonna be so much better,

and I also think

that Im the luckiest guy

in the world

to have you as a partner

to do this with.

You. Oh, I--

- I feel the same way.

- Good.

Um, I gotta go.

( sighs, squeals )

Ooh.

All right.

- Bye.

- Bye.

( distant siren wails )

( voices overlapping )

( speaking faintly )

( speaking faintly )

( sighs )

( sighs )

When I said

we needed chairs

for the restaurant...

- Spring-loaded.

- Yes, it is. Okay.

Lets, uh, go back

to the warehouse,

and we will start

all over. Cool?

You got it, man.

Hey, Tom.

- Hey, its Michael, right?

- Thats right,

and you got it

on the first try

this time.

- ( chuckles )

- ( laughs )

Shes in the back.

Follow me.

( speaking Spanish )

S, pero...

uh,tienes...

gluten-free flour?

-Veinticinco pounds.

- Val, someones here

to see you.

I dont-- Im all

out of my Spanish.

I dont know if Im

getting a discount

or buying his boat.

Yeah, its-- its Tom.

S, but...

necesito veinte cajas

de tomates

y diez cajas

de lechuga...

- See you, Tom.

- Hey, you, too.

pero organic,por favor.

Uh, cebollas tambin.

Okay?

Gracias.

Okay.

Gracias. Bye.

- Hey!

- Hey.

What are you doing here?

I just realized today

that I havent

visited you

at work in a while.

Ever.

Right.

So I figured

Id stop by

and say hello.

Is everything okay?

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

I thought maybe

we could go

grab a cup

of coffee.

Talk.

Coffee?

Yeah.

So...

how is work coming?

You made any progress

on the painting?

I havent really thought

about it all that much.

- Hmm.

- What about you?

Hows-- hows

the restaurant coming?

Its good.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Um, okay.

How is it good?

Its... fine.

I mean, I like it--

I like it.

I dont--

Im trying to...

catch up with you,

and I dont--

apparently, I dont

know how to do it.

Okay. Well, um...

what would you

like to talk about?

- ( clatters )

- Oh, fiddlesticks.

No idea.

- ( groans )

- Just leave it.

So hows that

fake dating project

with Mac going?

Um...

its progressing slowly.

Its Mac.

- Mm-hmm.

- So...

still working on it.

Sounds painful.

It has its moments.

Hmm.

( sighs )

"Fiddlesticks"?

- ( both laugh )

- Val: It...

- You said that.

- Yeah.

( both laugh )

- Fiddlesticks?

- Yeah.

( laughter on TV )

- TV host: So was it crazy...

- ( sighs )

Man on TV: Things, you know,

dont change in that

department, uh...

( host laughs )

Your wife is--

your wifes gonna be

listening to this.

-My wife appreciates

the fact...

- 104?

104 winks in an hour.

Come on.

Lets make our picks.

Tom, I-- I cant--

Im working.

What? This is

how comedians work.

Think I want to eat

pizza and watch TV?

TV host:

Yeah, any stalkers?

Anybody...

All right, fine.

I needed a break anyway.

- Ahem.

- Lets go.

( snickers )

( laughing )

Sorry.

Oh, youre lucky

you had a clip-on

at our wedding.

Yeah.

And youre lucky

that Phoebe and Lexi

gave me a 10-minute

sleepover mommy break.

- ( sighs )

- Ooh...

You really

going through

with this?

It seems like

a fun idea.

See, thats

what I mean.

That is not

the Tom I know.

You never

dress up for me,

and Mac asks you to,

and suddenly

youre Dapper Dan.

Something up?

What do you mean?

I dont know.

Im not sure

whats really going on,

but, um...

sometimes when people

drift apart, uh...

sometimes when people

drift apart,

the distance isnt as big

as you imagine it to be.

Did we drift apart?

Little bit.

But I like this.

I like that youre

interested in me

all of a sudden.

I like that we went

to coffee, but I--

I like

that you like it.

Why do I get the feeling

like youre hiding something?

Something really bad.

Val...

This ones new.

- Hmm?

- This.

Uh, no.

Phoebe gave it to me

last Mothers Day.

Its a paintbrush.

"So youll always

have Daddy around."

( sighs )

Tom.

Hmm?

Everythings under control,

Val, like always.

I have to go.

( music playing )

- Oh, hey, here he is.

- All right.

( phone camera chimes )

What are you doing?

Youre actually

gonna film this?

Go get him, tiger.

Make this happen.

- Man: Hey.

- Hey

Can I get

a bourbon neat?

Just well is fine.

( sighs )

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Im saving that

for somebody.

I know.

Nina, right?

Youre Dan,

and...

youre here

to meet Nina.

And this is what I get

for trying new things--

- lunatics.

- No, no, no, no.

Listen, Im Nina.

Just back away.

Whoa. Obviously,

Im not Nina.

I mean, Nina

isnt even Nina.

Nina is Valentine.

- Get out of my way.

- Hang on, please,

please.

Listen.

Im not some freaky,

weird guy here.

- Just hear me out,

okay, Dan?

- Mm-hmm.

- My name is Tom.

- Mm-hmm.

Valentine

is my wife,

and I think you might

be perfect for her.

( grunts )

( groans )

Okay.

Believe it or not,

this is the best date

Ive ever been on

from Singles.net.

Stop that.

- And cut.

-( phone chimes )

Want to see the--

want to see the punch?

- I dont want

to see the punch.

- Slow motion.

You deserved it.

Mac:

Chemo? Really?

Why did you think

doing this by yourself

was a good idea?

All right? Do you know

how dumb you have to be

for me to be the

responsible one, Tom?

Monumentally dumb!

Thats how dumb

you have to be.

Val should be there

with you, okay?

I need to spend

more time with her.

Okay, good, okay.

This is what

Im saying, yes--

So I can

find better matches

on Singles.net.

Youre still a lunatic.

Gotta get

the profile perfect, Mac.

Shes at the park

right now with Phoebe.

Listen, Tom,

I did two semesters

of psychology

at Trenton State, okay?

This is what we call

"classic avoidance."

I am not taking you

to the park.

Brynn is with them.

Ill be honest, Val.

It all sounds

suspicious.

Yeah, I was worried

youd say that.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Honestly...

this is

gonna sound weird,

but as big

as the pit is

in my stomach

right now,

Im actually

enjoying him.

Is that weird?

Well, then I guess

youll just have to decide.

Are you waiting

on a bad surprise

or a good surprise?

( sighs )

Daddy! Daddy!

So we-- we asked

the park ranger

where the prettiest

flowers were,

and he said it was

you guys-- girls.

Thought you

had a meeting.

- Huh?

- Meeting.

With Biron.

Oh, right.

Yeah, he had to cancel.

Daddy,

come play with me

on the playground.

Uh, Daddys feeling

a little tired, baby.

Ill be over

in a few minutes.

Ill play with you,

Pheebs.

Well, are you

coming or not?

So you gotta show em

how its done.

Hes really bad.

Hes really...

- Mac: Im not bad.

- All right, all right.

You okay?

Yeah.

You dont look so good.

Oh, God--

are you smoking again?

No, no.

Im not smoking again.

Just-- Im just

tired, is all.

Okay.

Still havent taken down

that awful fence.

Oh, thats right.

Thats right.

This is

"the most aesthetically

unappealing park

in Los Angeles."

Just because

you say it that way

doesnt mean

it isnt true.

What are you

doing here?

Do you remember

in college

when you were

on the all-girls

bowling team?

Yeah.

Well, whatever

happened to that?

( chuckles )

( laughs )

Do you still bowl?

Have you seen me

bowl lately?

We should bowl.

- We should bowl?

- Mm-hmm.

Lets go bowling.

Tom:

Now I see why

you quit bowling.

You stink.

But Im winning,

so that means

you stink...

More than you do.

But these are-- these

are artists hands.

Theyre not meant

for bowling.

Oh, no.

( groans )

All right,

last frame.

( claps )

- Last chance for glory.

- Okay.

Do something

special, Val.

( Tom gasps )

- Ah!

- Whoo!

( laughs )

Nice!

Now that

is more like it.

- Okay.

- Thank you.

You bowl

one more strike,

I have to make out

with you when we

get to the car.

And if I dont

bowl a strike?

You--

Never mind.

I love bowling

all of a sudden.

Dang.

Looks like

Im buying pizza, huh?

Not while

were bowling.

Whats the matter with you?

Greases up the fingers.

Move.

So, Glen, what else do

you do besides bowling?

Oh, you want to chat

a little bit,

share our feelings?

Is that what you

want to do?

Because Im here

to bowl, okay?

I let you talk me

into this date.

Ill be damned if Im gonna

let you ruin my bowling.

Step over there.

Further.

Youre all up on my back.

Get-- sit down.

Sit down.

Dusting off the sun

in my eyes

Drifting

in warm, blue skies

Well, Im...

A million miles away...

Whoa--!

( laughs )

Okay,

that was funny.

Really funny.

( silent )

Tom, listen.

"Winelover61"

is officially...

20 minutes late.

Hes not gonna

make the tasting.

Take me

to the wine tasting.

I drink the wine

for free.

-Its not a date.

- Mm-mm.

Its just me

drinking wine.

Its not

that big a deal.

- Tom.

- ( sighs )

Biron:

Hey.

Tom?

Wheres he going?

Hey, uh,

you know where I can get

some condoms around here?

You look nothing

like your picture.

43? Really?

Thats the age

you go with?

So show me

where your love is

Is "yoga" Greek

for difficult?

Its Greek for

"youre a baby."

Down. Sink lower.

Oh... no, thank you.

( laughs )

You are smoking again,

arent you?

Not smoking,

just old.

All right.

Got an easy one

for you, "old man."

Chair pose.

Plant your feet,

sit into it.

Up. Hands up.

Chair pose is good.

A million miles away

So show me

where your love is...

You know,

were all dying.

Your speech was moving,

but, dude, imagine

the dinosaurs.

Yoga one day,

extinct the next.

- Dinosaurs doing yoga?

-Exactly.

They werent

promised tomorrow.

Neither were we.

What is the best way

to make God laugh, Tom?

What?

Best way

to make God laugh

is to make a plan.

That said,

your wife is

smoking crazy hot,

so if your offer

is a real one,

you can--

you can tell her

she just found

a brand-new

downward-facing dog.

I dont think Cindy ever

really even loved him.

I think

she was just doing it

for the publicity.

Daddy, you always

think the worst.

Maybe it just

didnt work out.

Maybe.

Didnt work out

with who?

Who are you

talking about?

- Hanson...

- Carter.

- Tom, Phoebe: Duh.

- Val: Oh.

You know what?

Why dont you just

ask him yourself?

Right.

When would I ever

get to meet Hanson?

Well, his mall tour

starts next week

at our mall...

on Valentines Day...

and youre going!

What?!

( laughing )

( whispers )

What?

I read about it

in "Teen Scene."

- "Teen Scene"?

-Yes.

Oh, my God!

- I have to go call Lexi.

- Okay!

- Phoebe: Yeah!

- Tom: Go call Lexi.

-Daddy, thank you!

- Youre welcome!

( silent )

Wow.

Good, right?

Eh, pretty good.

We should-- what?

Huh? Whats...

- What...?

- Okay, hear me out.

I know you hate

Valentines Day

because of

your name and--

Its not

because of my name.

You try making 900

orders of tortellini

in two hours.

But can I at least

get you to agree

to go on a date

with me on the 14th?

Phoebes gonna be

at the concert.

I talked to Brynn.

Shes gonna take her,

which gives us the night.

( thunder rumbling )

You never want

to do anything.

Neither do you.

You want to take me out

for Valentines Day?

Mm-hmm.

Im not gonna lie.

I am confused, but...

I am going with it.

How do you do that?

Do what?

Let yourself

be carried away

by life like that?

I dont know.

Do you ever

get tired

of paddling

against the current?

You stop paddling,

you drown.

Im breathing

just fine.

Yeah.

I do get tired

sometimes.

I wish I didnt

have to be that way.

You dont.

You could talk

to me.

Talk to me.

- Yeah...

-( knocking on door )

Ahem.

( knocking on door )

- Michael.

- Tom.

- Val: Mike?

- Hey, come in. Come on.

Thanks.

Whew.

Oh, my God.

Is something wrong?

Oh, no. No, no.

Um...

you left your phone

at the restaurant,

so I just didnt

want you to worry.

I put Saran Wrap

on it.

Mike, I could have gone

a day without my phone.

Or just use

the Find My iPhone app.

The-- come on, Val.

It was in the manual.

We can track

our phones.

Ah-choo!

Did you

drive down here

with the top open?

Um-- ah-choo!

Mm.

Tops broken.

Mike.

- Thank you.

- Just--

Its no problem.

I just didnt

want you to worry

and you needed it

and then an accident

happened

and you didnt have it

or something, so...

I, uh...

just...

Okay, Im gonna go back

to the restaurant.

- Ill drive you.

- No, Im good.

Its-- its letting up.

( thunder rumbles )

Yeah.

Okay...

this is the point

in the date

where I like

to give the speech.

"I would like

to introduce you to my wife.

She is young,

shes beautiful,

and pretty soon,

shes going to be

a widow.

I havent

told her this yet,

but every doctor

that I have talked to

has told me

the same thing--

nine months to a year.

And when that happens,

Valentine is

going to be alone.

Youre dying?

Youre dying.

( sighs )

Man, Im so sorry.

Do you like her?

Do I like

your wife?

Sure.

I mean, we get along

great at work.

Shes terrific.

I mean,

shes a genius.

Really,

this restaurants

just gonna...

( whistles )

take off, but...

Yeah,

I like her, Tom.

Shes the whole package,

but you know that.

Thats why

you married her.

Were friends.

I mean...

maybe

under different

circumstances--

Wait. How would you

want to meet her

under "different

circumstances"?

If I said yes,

which Im not,

how would this work?

You, me, and Val

would spend time together,

and I would watch

the two of you together,

and if it felt right...

then I would

introduce you to Phoebe.

And if my baby girl

thinks

youre the best thing

since Hanson Carter,

- then...

- Then what?

( laughs )

Then you would

just hand over the keys

to your house?

Then I would tell Val...

how I feel--

tell her that I like you,

plant the seeds.

Whew. Okay.

What about Val?

- Does she know

about any of this?

- No.

She doesnt,

and I would like

to keep it that way,

- even after.

- This is so out there, Tom.

I mean,

Im truly sorry

for your situation,

I am, but...

this has "disaster"

written all over it.

Let me show you

something.

You film me

one more time...

- ( Tom laughs )

- No, okay.

Um, uh, okay!

- Phoebe: You ready?

-Were ready.

Val: No, no.

On the count of three!

- Tom: Okay.

- Val: Okay.

Val, Tom:

1, 2, 3.

Val:

Here comes the bride

All dressed

in white...

Vals wedding dress.

( humming )

Phoebe wanted to feel

like a bride.

Val:

Let me see your

shoes and the veil.

( both humming )

( mock British accent )

Oh, perfect, darling.

Oh, gorgeous.

Daddy,

put the camera down.

You have

to give me away.

I had to stop,

because...

Im never

gonna see that.

Michael...

the thing that I have

figured out from all this

is if you have

a chance

to love somebody,

you gotta take it...

and hold on to it.

You cant take it

for granted.

Dont tell me

you dont want this,

because youll live

to regret it or worse.

( sighs )

So how do we do this?

- Tom: Welcome

to the dream date.

-( laughter )

- Tom: You heard it.

- Val: All right.

- Whats up, Mac?

- Mike: What you got?

- Tom: Anytime.

- This is k*lling me.

- Hmm.

- Brynn: Babe...

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Not great at all.

So you guys do this

every Friday night?

Yeah.

Really? Thats cool.

Thank you for inviting me.

Thanks for coming, man.

- Youre up.

- Im up.

Im up.

Oh, I got this.

Bear with me.

Val:

What?

Brynn:

Oh.

-What?

- "Zizivah."

- "Zizivah"?

-Its a type of weevil.

A weevils

a kind of beetle.

There are kinds

of beetles?

Yeah.

Tom:

And you know this?

I cant even

count that high.

This actually

reminds me

of Esteban

trying to cut an onion.

"Valentine..."

"Valentine, I think

I cut my thumb off again."

( laughter )

Thats

actually funny.

You know,

if you cursed more,

I think you

could open for me.

Thanks, man.

- Whos Esteban?

- Val: Hes--

He does it a lot.

Esteban is great

at start-ups,

bad at slicing.

Okay.

Your turn.

( Val groans )

( Mike speaking faintly )

I learned this.

Its called the slide.

You learn well.

That is perfect.

Mike:

Pretty, right?

( rattling )

Mike:

No, you didnt!

( laughter )

- Mike: Terrible.

- Val: Terrible.

Hey.

Hi. Hi.

You scared me.

We got it.

We got this. Come on.

Ill walk you out.

- All right.

- Okay.

Um, thank you

for a lovely evening,

- and Ill see you Monday.

- Thank you.

- I had fun. This was fun.

- Me, too.

Okay. Bye.

You were so right!

I just had to loosen up

and-- and be myself

and try not to think

about how weird

this whole thing is

so I can actually

have a good time.

Shes not yours yet.

Excuse me?

Shes still my wife.

I know.

I was just saying--

No, Im just

saying that as long

as Im still alive,

you keep things

respectful, okay?

You know,

I-- I dont get you.

You talk me

into this thing,

and then when it goes

the way that you want,

you all of a sudden

cant handle it.

I can handle it fine.

I just dont want you to--

You dont want what?

You dont want what?

You dont want me

beating you at Scrabble,

cleaning up bottles?

Tom, you have--

you have

such a wonderful wife.

Yeah, I know

how great she is.

Do you?

Do you know

how great she is?

Listen...

you either want this,

or you dont, okay?

If you want to stop this,

then Ill respect you,

but you need to make

your mind up, damn it.

Cause every moment

that I spend with her,

Im greedy for another.

( car door slams )

( engine starts )

Michael,

wait up a second.

( waves crashing )

I cant believe

Im out with my guy

on Valentines Day.

- Mm-hmm.

- Nice.

Mm-hmm.

Where are we?

I found this great,

little out-of-the-way place.

Its brand-new,

was supposed to be closed,

but I have an in

with the owners, so...

Oh, Tom, the chefs

and the waiters and--

Ah, they were

more than happy

to do it. Trust me.

Hm... whats

the name of it?

( chuckles )

You really have

no sense of direction.

What am I supposed--

am I supposed to know

where I am right now?

Here.

What is--?

What?

- This is your gift.

- I dont understand.

( clicks )

( gasps )

I...

Biron represents

a glassblower who

needed the money.

It was kind of

a last-minute thing.

Michael and I rigged it up

this morning.

If you want to

change the font or

any part of it, we can--

Its-- its

perfect.

Michael-- did you

talk to Mike?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

He thought

it was a great idea.

- Really great guy.

- Yeah.

I really

like him a lot.

But enough about him

or anybody else.

Tonight is

about you and me,

so close your eyes.

- Im nervous.

- ( chuckles )

Oh, my God, I cant

believe you did that.

- Keep your eyes closed.

- Okay.

Eyes closed.

( giggles )

- Okay, you ready?

- Wait, I dont know.

- Um... okay.

- Open em.

Val:

Oh, my God.

When did you...?

Michael and I

put the finishing

touches on it.

( French accent )

Ah, a seat for madame?

( laughs )

What?

Mm, thank you.

Youre welcome.

That is the worst--

that is the worst

French accent

Ive ever heard.

I am sure I dont

know what you are

talking about.

I was born in Paree.

Oh,je suis dsol,

monsieur.

Huh.

( grumbles )

How do you say...

"show-off"?

I dont know.

( laughs )

Well, I already know

who our waiter is.

Whos our chef?

Youre looking at him.

Oh, yeah?

I searched

high and low

through all

the finest food stores

in Los Angeles

to find this.

Oh, my G--

Thats impressive.

Thats the good stuff.

I even learned

how to boil water.

- Oh, my.

- Here goes nothing.

Okay.

If you hear screaming...

Dont hurt yourself.

( music playing )

If theres

one thing Id do

Id love you forever...

( laughs )

Whoa.

( groans )

Hey, you okay?

Mm-hmm.

( grunts )

Brain freeze.

( laughs )

Well, I can-- I can

help you with that.

That would quench

the feelings

That I have for you...

( Val moaning )

Phoebe wont be home

for an hour.

Not till--

not till morning.

I texted Brynn

from the restaurant.

- Yeah? God, I love you.

- ( laughs )

( rips )

- Whoa.

- ( laughs )

( Val laughing )

( sighs )

( sobbing

softly )

Hey.

- ( sobbing )

- Oh, my God.

Babe.

Whats wrong?

Hey, talk to me.

Talk to me.

Talk to me.

Hey, youre

scaring me.

( gasping )

Tom, youre

scaring me.

Val:

Maybe theres

another specialist.

- No.

- ( sobbing )

( whispers )

I just want to tell you

to wait.

Wait.

I dont want you to go.

Val:

Why did you

keep this from me?

It was a mistake.

How are we

gonna tell her?

( sniffles )

Well figure

something out.

( sighs, coughs )

( panting )

( thumps )

( bangs )

( coughing )

( hacking )

( panting )

( chuckles )

( clicking )

( birds chirping )

That one looks

like a watermelon.

Hey,

baby girl...

Okay, maybe an egg.

Its early, Daddy.

Hey, do you remember

when Rufus got sick?

Daddy,

are you trying

to make me cry?

He got sick...

and we had to drive him

to the vet

and put him to sleep.

But it wasnt

anyones fault.

Sometimes,

things like that

just happen...

no matter how much

we wish that it didnt.

I know that.

Daddy, what are you--

Baby, Im gonna be

your daddy forever.

And if you ever

get scared...

or lonely...

you can look up at these clouds

and you can find me there.

Daddy,

I dont understand.

Its okay.

You dont have to.

Not now.

Then why

are you crying?

Because

Im thinking about...

( Tom sighs )

...ice cream.

Thats what I see up there.

Do you see it?

For breakfast?

Why the hell not,

kiddo?

Come on.

Lets go jump in the car

before Mommy wakes up

and spoils our plan.

( faint whirring )

( birds chirping )

- Wow.

- Tom: Yum!

Took you

long enough.

Your text

said early.

What kind

of ice cream truck

makes its rounds

at 7:00 a.m.?

The kind you pay

a lot of money to.

Whats your flavor?

Uh, pralines

and cream.

Dumb it down a little.

Ice cream truck.

- Chocolate?

- Good.

Michael,

this is Phoebe.

Phoebe,

this is Michael.

Hey, Pheebs.

How do you know

my nickname?

Because

I can read minds.

No, you cant.

How do you know

that I cant?

Your head

would be bigger.

( chuckles )

- Fair enough.

- Tom: Lets go.

- Mike: Youre eight?

- Yeah.

Oh, cool.

- Whats your favorite class?

- I dont have one.

- You dont have

a favorite class?

- No.

You know what mine was?

Calculus.

Phoebe:

Huh? Whats that?

( silent )

Radio DJ:

Hey, weve been

promising it all week,

and now here it is, kids.

Star 98.7

has the L.A. premiere

of the new

Hanson Carter single,

"Youll Always Be My Girl."

Phoebe!

Phoe--

( winces )

( silent )

( winces )

Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, Im fine. Im fine.

I just-- I got

a little dizzy.

Im good.

- Do you need a doctor?

- No, no, no, no, no.

No, no.

Last time I went to a doctor,

they told me I was dying.

That was a joke.

Heh. Just a joke.

Youre gonna take care

of her, right?

Right?

Yeah, Tom.

Promise me.

( sighs )

Tom,

what are you doing?

Promise me that

no matter what happens,

youre going

to follow through...

that youre the guy.

I need to know

that youre the guy.

Tom, I dont know

that anybody can

make that promise.

But I will tell you

that Ill try my best.

Fair enough, Michael.

Drive her home

for me, okay?

Okay.

Recording:

Hi. Its Tom Bishop.

I cant take your call.

Please leave a message,

and I will call you back.

( remote beeps )

Wheres Tom?

- We just left him--

- Where, Michael? Where?

At the park.

Listen. Listen.

Okay, listen.

Come here. Okay.

Listen, Uncle Mac

is coming from

Aunt Brynns house.

Ooh. Are they

going out now?

Phoebe, focus!

Okay, I want you

to go inside.

I dont want you

to open up the door

for anyone else

except Mac, okay?

- Mm-hmm.

- Do you understand?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Im so sorry, Val.

I heard hes--

Why were you

even together?

- He asked me for help.

- Help with what?

Its--

its complicated.

Yeah, uncomplicate it

for me, Michael.

- Does he have his phone?

- Yes, of course he has

his phone.

All right, lets go.

Track his phone.

He told me

why he did it,

Val, and...

it makes sense.

Go home, Michael.

( Val screaming )

Tom!

Tom!

You shouldnt be here!

You selfish, selfish

son of a b*tch!

He told you?

- I am your wife!

- I know! I know.

All of this has been

for you and Phoebe.

I am not some puppy

you could just

give away to someone

when you think they

need a better home!

- I am your wife!

- I know! I know!

Im trying to do

what is best for you.

Look.

Take a close look,

because this is

just the beginning.

Val, this is

just the beginning.

Its gonna get

so much worse.

I dont want you

to see me like that.

You dont get to tell us

what we want!

What was this,

the-- the lone martyr

walks out into

the ocean to die?

You kidding me?

You want to choose

how you die?

Heres your choice.

You come home,

and you stay

with me and Phoebe

and your friends

and your family...

and the people

who love you...

remembering

the amazing life

that we have.

Or you can die

right here.

Im not gonna sit here

and watch you

k*ll yourself.

Val!

I dont know what to do.

( sobs )

I dont know what to do.

Shh. Shh.

Im sorry.

( sobbing )

Im so sorry.

How did we

get here?

Youre

a control freak.

Right.

And youre

lucky Michaels

good with words.

If he hadnt explained

everything so well,

I would have

k*lled you myself.

Hes good

with words, is he?

Hes excellent

with words.

- Huh.

- Hes excellent.

And model handsome.

I mean, you have

really good

taste in men.

You could

set me up anytime.

Okay, okay.

Enough.

Dont ever try

anything stupid

like that again.

You still love me?

( sighs )

Loving you was

never the problem.

I like you.

I like you

very much.

I like you, too.

You cant let go.

Do I look like

somebody who would

let go of you?

Michael!

- Oh!

- Mac: That is hurtful.

Thats a hurt--

thats a hurtful

thing to do.

- Sorry.

- Doesnt trust me.

It takes a while.

Its okay.

- Really?

- Oh, yeah.

Dont push her

if shes not ready.

Shes ready.

Youre ready,

right?

( whimpers )

Uh-uh.

Michael:

Two...three...

- Here we go.

- Mm-hmm.

- Dont let go! Dont let go!

- Come on, you got it.

No, dont--

okay, okay, okay!

( all cheering )

Whoo, Phoebe!

Val:

Oh, my God!

Daddy, Im doing it!

Im doing it!

( instrumental music

playing )