Sex and Death (2020)

[bunniefuu]

- What're you doing?

- Mmmmm.

- What? Do you not want to?

- Wow.

This is the first time
you haven't wanted to.

Are you sure, because I think
I might... be kind of close.

Does that change your mind?

- Yes.

Yes it does.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- I was thinking
- Yes.

- Maybe... we should
stop seeing each other.

- OK.

- OK?
- Yeah.

- Great, excellent.

- Wait, hang on...

- Like, it's totally
cool but... I feel like

I'm very close to being kind
of comfortable around you.

And I think it would just
take me a little bit longer

I mean, this might have set me back
a bit.

But just, I'm really close.

Do you wanna just hang out a
few more times and like, see?

- OK.

- Sorry, I mean we'll...
- No, it's fine.

- It's been fun.

- Give it up, dear, darling Uncle
Vanya.

Give it up.

I'm sure you'll have pity
on us and give it up.

You must endure your sorrow Uncle
Vanya.

You must endure it.

- OK, stop there.

I don't believe a single
word you're saying, Charlie.

I don't care about what you're
saying.

I don't care about it
because you're not invested.

What're you actually telling him?

- I'm telling him to return
the morphine he's stolen.

But... Actually I'm telling
him to endure his sorrow.

- You're telling him to endure his
sorrow.

That's what you're telling him?

No, you're not telling him that.

When we say pass the salt,
do we mean pass the salt?

- Look, I know what you're saying.

But I think in this instance
she really is just trying

to express herself honestly.

I mean, sometimes we
really just want some salt.

- Who the f*ck wants to
pay $80 to watch two people

expressing themselves honestly?

At every moment, every
single person in the story

that you're relating to, you either
wanna

f*ck them or k*ll them, one or the
other.

Choose one! Which one?

- I feel like the characters in this
play

want more subtle things from each
other.

- And what subtler thing do
you think you want from him?

- Well I think she wants
to earn his respect.

- It's a freezing cold night.

I'm stuck on a tram.

For over an hour.

Peak hour, packed tram.

Then, I pay 10 bucks for
a minuscule ice-cream.

I'm in the foyer, surrounded
by f*cking wankers.

And after all that,
you think I wanna watch

you earn his respect?

- It depends on the context.
- I don't wanna see that!

If I wanted to see that I
would have stayed at home

with my demented mother.

- (Male With Glasses) Excuse me?
- What?

- Sometimes I just want the salt.

- What?

- Sometimes I just want the salt.

- Nobody wants to see
you earn his respect.

We don't wanna see that, OK?

We wanna see sex and death.

- Isn't he meant to be my Uncle?

- So what? He's a f*cking human
being. Look at him.

Look him in the eyes, and
decide; Do you wanna f*ck him

or do you wanna k*ll him?

- Can I choose both?
- Yes!

Both would be great, yes!

- Oh God.

- Just pick one.
- OK.

OK, I've picked one.

- When you're ready.

- Give it up

dear

darling Uncle Vanya.

Give it up.

You are so good.

I'm sure you'll have pity
on us and give it up.

You must endure your sorrow Uncle
Vanya.

- You must.
- OK. Stop.

- What was that?
- Well, I was trying to f*ck him.

- Trying to?

We don't try.

You don't try.

Want, actually want

to k*ll him, to f*ck him.

Want it, actually want it!

- Excuse me?

Sorry, you're only
supposed to be sitting here

if you're eating some chicken.

You can't eat your mushrooms here.

This is a chicken shop.

Did you want some chicken?

- I'm vegan.

I could get something else?

- We're actually just closing up.

I just realised. So.

That's why I'm cleaning this up.

- Sorry, I thought these were
like, semi-public chairs.

You know, like at Brunetti's?

You know how you can eat sushi
out the front of Brunetti's?

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure you
can't do that there either.

There's some fully public
benches at the park

if you want to go and eat them there?

- No. No, that's OK.

I can walk and eat.

- Just as long as you're
off the property I reckon.

You could eat till your heart's
content.

- Can I use your bathroom?

- No. It's a rule we have.

You need to eat chicken if
you're gonna use our bathroom.

It's kind of a rule we have.

There's a cafe down there
if you wanna go there?

You'll probably have to buy a coffee.

Just maybe don't eat the
mushrooms there as well.

I wouldn't want you to get in
trouble.

- OK.
- Sorry.

- No, I'm sorry.

- You seem lovely.
- Thank you.

- Have a good day.

- Hey, how did it go this morning?

- Yeah, it was so easy.

- She didn't care.
- She didn't care?

- Nope.

- Oh my God, I knew she wouldn't
care.

This is really good, we've actually
done her a huge favour.

- I bet we have.
- No we have!

- Oh really?
- Yeah!

- How?
- It's weird, she's weird.

- Yeah.
- But this is really good.

- This is so good.

- Pat!
- Hey, Damian! How are ya?

- Good man, how're you?
- Yeah good. What's been happening?

- The usual, just hanging out here.
- Hi

- Hello, are you Damian's GF?

- Yeah?
- Yeah, sure.

Yeah, I'd be uncertain too if I was
you.

- Don't listen to him,
he's funny like that.

Pat, we're just gonna
grab a couple of drinks.

You wanna hang out, drink with us?

- Nah.

No thanks, but thank you.

- No worries, what do you want?

- Can I get an iced decaf
latte with almond milk?

- Yeah.

Yes, yes you can.

Pat, will you still be
here, when I get back ?

- Yeah, probably.
- Alright, see ya then.

- So what do you do?

- I'm an actor.
- Cool.

- What do you do?
- Work at a chicken shop.

Well it's lovely to meet you

- Tanya.
- (Charlie) Tanya.

- Oh my god, wait, what're you doing
here?

- I've got an audition at The Aviary.

- Oh yeah, the dog commercial thing.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

They're gonna love you!

Have a great audition.

- You finished your mushrooms?

- No, just put them in
my bag actually, yeah.

- I thought you were gonna
walk and eat them together?

- Yeah, I changed plans.

- Well, you know, don't get hungry.

- Yeah, OK.
- So you guys know each other?

- No, we just met at the chicken
shop.

- Wait, you're a vegan.

- Yeah, I was eating mushrooms.

- They sell mushrooms?
- No, I brought my own.

- You're allowed to do that?
- I got in trouble.

- Yeah, you can't bring food from
home.

- How do you guys know each other?

- Also from the chicken shop!

Good luck, with the audition.

- I'm just gonna get a coffee.

Can I get you a decaf iced almond
latte?

- No no no, I'm fine, thank you.
- What about you?

- Pat.
- Pat.

- No, thank you, thanks though.
- No.

You look really sad.

- Yeah, I am sad actually.

Damian broke up with me.

- Aw babe. Oh my God.

- (Charlie) Yeah.

- (Tanya) That is kind
of a good thing, right?

- Well, not really.

I mean, I know it was just casual but
it had been two years.

I think I kind of like him.

I dunno, I think maybe I love him.

- Wow.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- How's it going?

- Yeah, yeah, it's good, how're you?

Good, yep, what're you doing?

- Well, I just ran into Tanya.
- Hi.

- Do you remember Tanya, my
housemate?

- Hey! Yeah, I remember.

- And this is... Ben.

- Pat.
- Pat.

Yeah, no I know Pat.
We went to uni together.

Yeah, remember when I was doing
writing?

Pat. Pat from writing.

- Where are you sitting,
do you wanna sit together?

- No, that's probably not a great
idea.

Maybe, what do you think?

It probably isn't, but what do you
think?

No, it's probably not a good
idea, after this morning.

- Are you OK?
- Yeah!

Yeah, yeah I'm OK, are you OK?
- I'm OK.

- Yeah, I'm OK too!
We're all OK, everyone's OK.

- OK, I'm gonna go actually.

Babe it was great to see you.
Nice to meet you Pat.

- Hey mate, where do you want these?

- Yeah, right... Yeah, right here.

- Are they meant to be takeaway?
- No, that's fine.

- OK... got a long black
- Yep, that's me.

- Yep.

And I've got an iced decaf
latte with almond milk.

Iced decaf latte with almond
milk, who's having that?

- Yeah, that's mine.
- (Server) That's yours?

Here you go.

Alright could you guys take
a seat, just coz of council.

- (Damian) Sure thing mate.

So Pat, how's the f*cking family
going ay?

- Yeah, good. Real good.

- Still writing? A little bit?
- Nah.

- Come on, that feature was really
good.

- Thank you, but
- I just

realised that I probably should

I should probably go actually
coz of the... yeah... see ya.

- See ya.

That was a close one hey, wasn't it?
It was good.

- (Tanya) Are you kidding me?

- (Damian) What do ya mean?

- (Tanya) Oh my God, Damian.
- (Damian) What?

- (Tanya) Why?

- You didn't end up getting your
coffee.

- Did I behave very weirdly back
there?

- Yeah.

But no more than anyone
else in that situation.

- I think extra weird.
- Nah.

- I would of realised way
sooner but I didn't even know,

they are together, yeah?

- Yeah, sorry.

- Are you responsible?
- No.

You're not gonna cry and eat
mushrooms again, are you?

- Would you like that?
- No, no.

It was one of the saddest things
I've ever seen in my life.

Do you feel terrible?

- Ah well I was about to feel stuff,
but now you're here,

I can't really feel
stuff while you're here.

- Why's that?

- Well I've gotta entertain you now.

- You're doing a terrible job.

- Thank you.

- Do you feel sad?

- Well, I hate it when people
know stuff that I don't know.

- What do you mean?

- Like they knew that they were
together and I didn't know.

- What, you're upset that you didn't
know that they were together?

- Yup.

- More than them actually being
together?

- Yes.

- That's weird.

- Where are you going?
- To your audition.

- Hi, my name's Charlie,

I'm 25.

I'm 175 centimetres tall.

I love acting, yoga,

and going for long walks,

not at sunset, but right after
sunset.

- (Director) OK, we'll get your
profiles. Turn to the left.

And the other side.

And back to the front.

OK, and now we'll go into the
scene.

- Or do you want me to
deliver into the camera?

- (Director) Yeah.
Straight into the lens.

- I love my dog,

but I hate it when he has bad breath.
Ew.

That's why I feed him Dog Bites.

The unique blend of
bone, meat and vegetable

ensures that he gets
the nutrition he needs

without the nasty scent.

So now I can hug my dog whenever I
want.

Thanks Dog Bites.

How was I?

- Honestly?
- Yeah.

- Terrible.

- I was going for wholesome but sexy.

- I have a dog and after seeing that
I never wanna feed it again.

Do you even want the role?

- Yeah, but Tanya will get it.
- Why?

- She's gotten every role
I've ever auditioned for.

She's also dated every guy I've ever
liked since I met her.

But usually before I get the chance,
this is a new kinda low.

- Oh my God.

Can I punch you?

- Yeah.

- Now?
- Yeah.

- Um, why?

- 'Cause you just had the worst day
ever

and this is definitely going to help.

- OK.
- Tense up.

- Was that good?
- Yeah it was good.

- Do you wanna do it again?
- No, it's your turn.

- I don't wanna do it.
Actually I will.

- Yeah.
- Did that hurt?

- Little bit.

But you've got like
the thinnest arms ever.

- But I've got good core strength.
- I know.

From all your yoga and
your after sunset walks.

- That's right.

Thank you for following me around.

- You're welcome.

- Hang on, so how the
f*ck am I supposed to

get all my stuff to your place then?

- I don't know, get an uber or
something.

- I can't get an uber.

I'm a full-time actress, I'm like so
poor.

- I didn't think you'd take this
long.

Hey guys.
- Hey.

- Oh my God Charlie,

I'm trying to get all my
stuff to Damian's house

so I can give you some space,

and Damian was supposed to help me

but now he's bailed at the last
second.

- It's OK Tan, you
don't have to do that.

- No, I know, I know babe,

and I don't mind,

honestly I was actually
kinda looking forward

to spending some time at Dame's
house,

until he started acting
like an unreliable d*ck.

- It's three giant bags.

Like how long are you trying to stay
for?

- I don't know, as long as it takes
Charlie to recover.

How long do you think Charlie?

- I don't know. Couple of days.

- I got plans tonight
I can't stick around.

- Yeah that's fine, but don't tell me
you're gonna help me

and then make plans to
play pool with the boys.

- It's tradition.

- Oh yeah, you're not
gonna talk him outta that.

- Thank you.

- Hey is Clancy going tonight?
- Yeah.

- Oh, I'm gonna miss Clancy.

- Hang on are you guys having
a f*cking moment right now?

- Sorry Tan.

- No babe, don't you apologise,

I feel like such a b*tch
when you apologise.

- Sorry, yeah.

- Is that Clancy Daniels?
- Yeah.

- f*ck, how is he?
- Oh he is kicking goals man.

- That's so good.
- You f*cking too?

- If you knew Clancy you would get
it.

- Tanya why don't I just drive your
bags to Damian's house for you?

- No way.
- That's a great idea.

She can give me a lift.

- You just dumped her for her best
friend,

she is not going to give you a lift.

Pat, what do you do outside
of the chicken shop?

- Nothing.

- Wait, you're still at that chicken
shop?

- Yeah.
- Holy sh*t.

- But like you're studying
or something, right?

- Not really.

- Hang on, what are you working
towards? Like what's your goal?

Your dream?

- Yeah Pat, what is your dream?

- I think that some people,
maybe the smartest people,

are content with really simple
things.

Not that the chicken shop is simple.

But I think it's really wonderful

if you don't need that much for
yourself.

Not that you don't have much,
I dunno what you have.

But I mean without needing to
express yourself all the time.

Although you seem expressive.

- Well said.
But yeah, most of us are not wankers,

Pat, you still are.

- Damian don't be such an as*h*le.

- Well I am an as*h*le
that's why you like me.

- You know that is actually true.

I'm attracted to guy's that are
assholes

'cause I have super low self-esteem,

like I'm comfortable being abused.

I'll even date guys that
are way less hot than me,

if they're assholes.

- Yeah, yeah such low self-esteem.

- I do.

- You just said you're really hot.

- Yeah, I judge myself on my
appearance,

that is low self-esteem.

- Not when you're judging
yourself really f*cking high.

- Pretty sure it makes no difference.

- I didn't realise you guys
knew each other so well.

Oh, not that that's
true or anything Tanya.

- Babe, we didn't cheat on you.

OK, I would never, ever do that to
you.

- It's not what I meant.

- I told him I wouldn't sleep with
him

until you guys weren't together
anymore.

- Oh God it's really not what I mean.

- In fact, I actually stopped
it like multiple times.

- Can we go?

- Bye babe.

- Bye, have fun.
- See you guys.

- (Tanya) What the, Damian!
- (Damian) What?

- (Tanya) Would you throw
your stuff around the car?

- (Damian) It's just clothes.
- (Tanya) It's not just clothes,

- (Damian) What else
have you got in there?

- (Tanya) They're very expensive
clothes.

- Just behind this blueish car.

OK, bye.

- Bye.

- Hi.
- (Pat) Hey.

- Nice chicken shop.
- Thank you.

- (Charlie) Hi.

- What would you like?

- That's OK, I don't want anything.

I just, saying hi to Pat.

Bye.
- (Pat) See ya.

- (Boss) Just say hi to Pat
You think this just social club?

This a chicken shop, you sell the
chicken.

With the chips
Oh! Where the potato cakes?

You forget the potato cakes.
I said this is not a social club!

Work! Work!

- You are so good.

I am sure you will have
pity on us and give it up.

You must endure your sorrow, Uncle
Vanya,

you must endure it.

- There it is.
- Charlie, say your line again.

- You are so good.

I am sure you will have
pity on us and give it up.

You must endure your sorrow, Uncle
Vanya,

you must endure it.

- There it is.
- Stop, please.

- OK, Charlie, I think
it's the words, yeah?

The words are constipating you.

Engage with your intention, yes, play
it,

but the only word you're allowed to
use,

capsicum.

Play your intention, but,
instead of your lines,

endure your sorrow, blah
blah blah, it's capsicum.

So what are you saying?

- Capsicum?

- What are you saying, what do you
want?

- I want to k*ll him and to f*ck him.

- To k*ll him, to f*ck him.

When you're ready.

(Damian) Where are we going from?

- We'll go from your cue,
yeah, you stick to the script.

- Leave me alone.

- Capsicum.

Capsicum.

Caps--
- Use each capsicum

as a tactic to get what you want.

Allow each capsicum to
express, reflect that

desire, again!

- Capsicum!

Capsicum!

Capsicum.

Capsicum.

- There it is--
- Cap-- oh, sorry,

I was only up to the you
are so good bit, OK.

- (Damian) My bad.

- Oh my God, babe.

I'm really happy,

I'm just really happy,
we're so perfect for each other.

Oh my God. How are you?

- I'm good.

- Yeah? I knew you'd be better off
without him.

Have you met someone else?

We are just the same.

We are just f*cking obsessed with
men.

They're amazing, I mean,
they're the worst but.

And our chemistry, oh my God,

he made me c*m three times this
morning.

That's never happened to me before.

Like, is he really good at sex

or is our chemistry just really
strong?

Like, did he get you off like that?

- He actually never made me c*m.

- Babe, wasn't he your f*ck buddy?

- Yeah.

- So, why were you with a f*ck
buddy that never got you off?

- For the hanging out bit?

- Oh, what are you two talking about?

- What a d*ck you are.

- Excellent, continue.

- So, Charlie told me
you never got her off.

Not like once in two years.

How many times did you get off?

- A lot.

- (Tanya) Aren't you ashamed?
- No, no, no I am not ashamed,

I'm good at getting girls off,

you know I'm good at getting girls
off.

I'm good at, Pat, I am the
king of getting girls off.

She's just weird, you're weird.

- It's true, I am weird, it was my
fault.

- (Damien) Exactly, it was her fault.
- How was it your fault?

- Well, I actually think I'm not

that attracted to him.

Oh, what?

What?

- But, it's because
you're too good looking.

- That doesn't make any
sense, but it is correct.

I am too good looking, you hear that?

- Seriously, I'm not
attracted to attractive guys.

- Yeah, that actually makes no sense.
- Well, it's like,

I don't know, you're too perfect,

there's nothing really human about
you.

- M-hm, I've never enjoyed anyone
saying

they're not attracted to me
as much as I have right now.

Although, Patty, that's
never happened before.

Am I right, am I right?

- Your personality is
definitely human, though.

- (Pat) That may be an overstatement.

- Let's get back to the nice things.

- So you were never
actually attracted to him?

- Not sexually, no.

- Then why were you with him?
- f*ck.

- I guess I liked his personality.

- Wow, that's the thing I
like about him the least.

Here you go.

- Yeah, alright, OK,

I got you off once though, hmm?

- Oh, that is true.

Yes, but you broke up
with me 20 minutes later.

- So, I don't know if it counts.
- (Damian) That doesn't count.

- Wait, hang on, you guys had
sex the morning you broke up?

- Yeah, he left me on a high.

- Yeah.

- What the f*ck?
- Wha-wha-what, what?

- We had an agreement.

- Yeah, but we were still together
then.

We hadn't broken up yet.

Why are you looking at me like that?

She was begging for it.

She was asking me, what was I meant
to do?

I was thinking about you the whole
time.

- I did ask for it, but
I had no idea there was

anything going on between
you guys, I'm sorry.

- That's OK, babe, you didn't know.

So, you cheated on me

before we were even actually
together.

That is a new f*cking low.

- That's not, that's not possible.

- Are you listening to yourself?
- (Tanya) Oh my God!

- (Damian) Whoa, what are you doing?

- I'm sorry that I got you in
trouble.

At the chicken shop.

- No, that's fine.

- I forgot that it's
possible to get in trouble.

- Yeah, it was my fault,
you're not really allowed

to speak to friends during your
shift.

- There's a lot of rules
at the chicken shop.

- Yeah, guess so.

She's an amazing woman.

- That woman that yelled at you?

- Yeah, she's, you know,
some little girl from Italy,

coming over here, then
creating a really, really,

really good chicken shop.

She's my absolute best friend.

- That's it, you are done
interfering in our lives, Charlie,

come on, we're leaving.
- Tanya, this is silly,

oh my God, I haven't done anything.

Gah!

- You have the biggest, most
beautiful, generous spirit

that I have ever seen
and it doesn't matter

if Damian doesn't wanna be with you,

because, if he doesn't
see how big and beautiful

and generous your spirit is,

then it's better that you're not with
him

'cause you don't wanna be
with someone like that.

And maybe you're asleep,

there's a chance that you're asleep,

but I hope you're not asleep

because I really want you to know

that I think all these things.

- Oh my God babe.

I just love being single.

- Yeah?
- Yeah!

Like, I don't need a
man to give me purpose,

I am my purpose, acting
is my purpose you know?

I can just focus on acting

and a man is a f*cking unnecessary
bonus.

- Wow.

- Yeah, I've been obsessed
with men for most of my life,

at one point in women but mostly men

and they'd controlled like all
of my major life decisions,

definitely my moods and for what?

I'm single, dumped by a guy
that wasn't even good enough,

I feel great.

How funny's Pat?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Like, really weird but cute.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Aw and he's been so nice taking
care

of me while Damian's such a d*ck.

- Oh yeah, that's nice.

- I mean he does work in a chicken
shop.

- Yeah.

- But I feel like he's just never had
the right person

to encourage him you know?

He just needs someone to believe in
him.

- Oh yeah.

- Charlie I think I have a crush on
him.

- On who?
- Pat.

- Pat?
- Yeah.

No I'm lying, I totally f*cking like
him.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What can I get for you?

- Do you have anything vegan?

- Probably mash, would
probably be the most vegan.

- Does it have butter in it?

- Yeah and milk I guess.

- OK, yeah one mash please.

- That'll be $4.20.

80 cents change.

- Thank you.

- One mash please.

- Are you doing anything later?

- I'm actually doing
yoga with Tanya later on.

- Oh that's cool.

- Yeah.

God she's beautiful.

- Yeah.

- Just a really amazing person

yeah.

You know? Real special.

- Order number six.

- Thanks.

I wanna f*ck you.

- Leave me alone.

- I want to f*ck you.

- More, you're giving us
3%, we wanna see 3000!

- I want to f*ck you.

I want to--
- OK stop, please stop!

Charlie what the f*ck are you doing?

- What you asked me to do.

- No I mean what the f*ck
are you doing here Charlie?

What is the f*cking point of spending

however much you're spending
on these classes coming here

every week wasting our f*cking time

if you can't even convince
us that you're a human being,

is there anything even f*cking in
there?

Why are you here Charlie?

- Because I love acting,
it's what I wanna do.

- Charlie I've been teaching
acting for 20 years,

I've worked in some
f*cking terrible places

with some f*cking bad actors

but out of all the f*cked up deluded
students I have ever come across

you are by far the f*cking worst.

I don't think you want to act, no.

I think you want to
hide for some f*cked up,

f*cking weird reason,

you don't want anyone
to see what's in here,

acting is f*cking allowing everything
of yourself to be seen.

It is absolutely and
completely the one thing

that I doubt very much
you have ever

even come to close to experiencing in
your f*cking subpar mouse-like

f*cking boring life

and that is being real,

you are not f*cking real Charlie,

you're not even a f*cking
person, you're a f*cking mouse.

Nobody wants to watch a mouse,
people f*cking hate mice,

people f*cking k*ll mice,

people stick f*cking test
tubes in mice, now do it again!

- I wanna f*ck you.
- How f*cking dare you?

How dare you not be real with
us, we're being real with you,

Damian is being real, Pete
is being very f*cking real,

last week in his masturbation scene,
you think it's fair?

You think it's fair that
we reveal everything?

We are real with you

and you give us this f*cking mouse
sh*t.

Again!

- I wanna f*ck--
- No, f*ck, again!

- I wanna f*ck you.
- Scream it.

- I wanna f*ck--
- I wanna f*ck you!

I wanna f*ck you.

I wanna f*ck you.

I wanna f*ck you!

I wanna f*ck you.

I wanna f*ck you.

I want to f*ck you, I want to
f*ck you, I wanna f*ck you.

f*ck you!

- Excuse me, do you
know where room 309 is?

- Ah yeah, it's just the first
one down here on the right.

- Thank you.

- I'll just touch you there,
so it's painful there?

- Yeah.
- And how about on the other side?

OK so painful there as well?

OK, I'm just gonna look at your
arm,

just put your arm down for me.

Alright, so the arms hurting too?

- Un huh! Oh God.

- (Nurse) It's alright,
try to relax, OK.

- Oh my God Charlie, oh!

- Are you OK? What happened?

- I'm in love.

I mean I fainted in yoga and I hit my
head but I'm in love.

- (Nurse) Tanya I'm just
gonna look at your--

OK, alright, so your
ribs are painful as well?

OK, that's alright, just
relax again for a minute.

- Who are you--
- Pat.

- Pat?
- Oh my God Charlie,

it's so nice we talk about
everything,

we were so crazily connected.

- OK, I'm just gonna
look at your tummy--

Oh OK.

So it's pretty much painful

everywhere I'm touching you isn't it?

OK, I'm just gonna have
a chat to your doctors,

just try to relax for me for a bit,
OK?

- Oh my God I love you.

- Are you gonna be OK?

- Yeah, I'm not allowed
to workout on an empty stomach

and do a double yoga and park but
yeah.

Oh mate, I have a f*cking black belt
OK?

But alright.

Oh my God, guys it's my ad, turn it
up!

- I hate when he has bad breath, ew.

That's why I feed him Dog Bites,

the nutritional blend of bone,
vegetable

and meat and shows that he gets
everything

he needs without the nasty smell.

Thank you Dog Bites.

- Ah, I look good.

- Thank you.

- Here, drink that.
- Oh.

Charlie?

Thank you.

- What are you doing?

- I'm just having some mash.

How are you feeling?

Are you feeling better?

- What's wrong?

- I'm kind of sad.

- Is it Damian?

- No.

It's Pat.

- Pat?

- I like Pat.

I thought he was into me.
I thought we had, you know,

I thought he was giving me signals.

But I think he's into you now and,
um...

And you like him and that's nice.

That's really nice.

I'm just a bit disappointed,

but I'll get over it.

I just was a bit disappointed,

that's all.

You should keep resting.

- Yeah.

- Tanya?

Where are you going nurse
said that you have to --

- To Pat's.

- Cool.

Are you guys gonna hang out or
something?

- Yeah, hang out.
Maybe we'll f*ck a bit.

- Hey.

- Hey.
- Is everything OK?

- Yes.

I just wanted to tell you really
quickly,

just in case there's been
any kind of miscommunication,

I like you

and I think our connection
is really unique

and nice, and I'm aware that
you might be into Tanya.

But I just wanted to make sure
that you knew that I like you

That's it.

I might just hide behind this wall
here.

Just until you and Tanya go inside.

Just because I didn't
tell her I was coming

and I find her a bit scary.

Cool! Thank you.

- Hey.

That's for being a
dickhead to my best friend.

And the second one is for
working at a f*cking chicken shop

instead of following your dreams.

And Charlie, look.

Charlie, I know I can be
self-absorbed. I know that.

Everyone knows that. I can't f*cking
help it, but even if I could,

I can't read your mind.

Charlie, you actually there?

- I'm sorry, Tanya.
- No, don't apologise.

It's so confusing when you
apologise.

How am I supposed to
know I'm being a b*tch

if you're apologising all
the time and making it seem

like it's your fault?

- I should have told you.

I almost told you but
then he went kind of cold

and I was embarrassed.

- Why would you be
embarrassed in front of me?

- I'm always embarrassed in front of
you.

- What?
- You're so cool.

And you're always yourself

and you don't care what anyone
thinks.

I don't know, you're like this
cool opposite version of me.

- I'm not cool.

I stole your boyfriend.

Why the f*ck would you even
wanna be friends with me?

- It wasn't that bad.

And I didn't wanna lose you.

I love being around you.

You're so positive and happy.

- I'm not happy, I'm not happy.

I'm never gonna be happy.

I put myself before everyone else.

I know I'm never gonna be happy.

- Tanya, that's not true.

- Name one time I
haven't put myself first.

- All the time.

You're always doing things for me.
You're so generous.

- It's because that's in my nature.
I'm extremely generous.

When have I ever gone against my
nature

to do something for someone else?

- Right now.

I know you like Pat and
you could be with him

if you wanted to, but you're
choosing not to for me.

- Well, it's the first time.

- You volunteer at the soup kitchen.

- Yeah, that is true.
And it is really hard.

It's straight after my voice class.

- It was nice to see you both.

- You can f*ck off, mate.

No, you need to give
Charlie an explanation.

- That's OK.
You can just text me, maybe?

- No, it's easy. Do you like her or
are you just a dickhead?

- I guess I'm just a dickhead.

I didn't mean to lead you on.

If that's what you thought, I'm
sorry.

- Ah that's OK.

- Bullshit.

You told her you like her.

- Oh, actually he never said that.

- OK, well, you f*cking,

what did he do?

- Just a few signals like,
eye contact and some smiles,

but I might have misread it.

- No, you definitely didn't misread
it.

You're very good at reading things.
Why did you give her signals?

- I'm just gonna go, but thank you.
- Why can't you just answer her?

- I've gotta go. I'm sorry. Please.

- Hey, there you are.

Sorry to interrupt.

I made dinner, so if...

- This is Charlie.

This is Tanya. This is Jane.

- Hey, nice to meet you.
- My wife.

- Hey, it's really nice to meet you.

- Pat said so much about you both.

- That's funny, because he
never f*cking mentioned you.

- Oh.

I made dinner if you guys

- Yeah.

- No, we actually have to go.

Thanks it was nice to meet you.

- (Toddler) Mommy.

Mommy, mommy.

- (Jane) Hey.

Say hello to daddy's friends.

You're ready for dinner?

- We actually really have to go.

- See you later, guys.

- See you.

- (Jane) Say bye-bye.

- f*ck.

- f*ck.

- f*ck.
- f*ck.

- f*ck.
- f*ck.

- (Charlie) f*ck.
- f*ck.

- f*ck.

- Charlie, what's happening here?

Are you feeling anything at all?

- Yeah.

- And are you investing that
into what you're saying?

- Yeah.

- Where are you feeling it?

Show me.

- Here.

- Does it feel big?

- Yeah.

- And when you open your mouth to
speak,

does it come out?

- No. Should it?

- Yeah, that's kind of the
whole point of acting, yeah.

But anyway, why doesn't it come out?

- Because there's all
these people watching,

and I don't want them to see it.

- OK.

Well, I don't know why you'd
think you want to be an actor.

But OK, we can work with that.

Look at Damian.

(Greg) Do you feel anything?

- Yeah.

- (Greg) What is it?

- Well,

I know that we were never really in
love,

but I always thought what
we had was so special,

because we were always
so honest to each other,

and good to each other.

And I don't care that
you liked someone else,

but I don't understand why
you didn't tell me about it.

You just made me feel really stupid
and like I'm not cool and chill

when, really, I think I
am pretty cool and chill.

- OK, I meant the character,

but that's great.

So, tell him all that again,

with "f*ck you."

- f*ck you.

- (Greg) C'mon, he didn't
take you seriously.

- f*ck you.

- He didn't treat you like
you were cool and chill

Show him you are a cool, you are
chill.

- f*ck you.

- OK, Damian, your line.
- Yeah.

Leave me alone.

- f*ck you.
- Here it is.

Now we must get to work.

We must do something, or I
will not be able to endure it.

- f*ck you.

- Leave me alone.

- I want to f*ck you.
- I want to f*ck you.

- Now, the line from the script.

- sh*t, I can't remember it.
- Stay in it, stay in it!

Don't lose it!

- "Give it up."

"Why do you want to frighten us?"
- Give it up.

Why do you want to frighten us?

- "Give it up, Uncle Vanya."

"My misfortune is perhaps"--

- Give it up, Uncle Vanya.

My misfortune is perhaps
even greater than yours,

yet I am not plunged in despair.

I endure my sorrow, Uncle Vanya,

and I shall continue to endure it

until the day my life
comes to a natural end.

And you must endure yours.

You must endure your sorrow, Uncle
Vanya.

You must endure it.

- What is with you?

- The guy I liked is married with a
child.

- Oh, f*ck.

- Yeah, f*ck.

- f*ck.

- f*ck.

- Thank f*cking Christ.

Thank f*cking Christ,
he's married with a kid.

What do you want, Charlie?

Tell me, what does Charlie want?

- To f*ck him, and to k*ll him?

Love and commitment is
what you want, isn't it?

Love and commitment.

- Yeah.

- And to be fulfilled

and to feel like OK about the fact

that you're going to die one day.

- Yep.

- Well, that's f*ck' insane.

There's not a single person,

not one thing in this entire universe

that can do that for you.

Damian

cannot do it.

- It's not Damian.

- Sure, you would've
felt good and all that.

Got married,

had a kid, all that.

But then one day, you look into his
eyes,

and ask yourself, "Who the f*ck is
that?"

You realise that you
don't know him at all.

He's a complete f*ck' stranger.

This whole fulfilment is just
something you've constructed

so as not to k*ll yourself,

and to

perpetuate the population of the
species.

Every single person on the
planet is separate to you,

even your Damian.

No matter how many times you
try to become one by f*cking

f*cking with each other,

you can never become one.

He can't give you anything.

You are alone.

Separate.

Completely alone, and you're going to
die.

- Thanks, Greg.

- Thank f*cking God,
he's married with a baby,

because now, you are
going to have to either

do the one thing that you
can absolutely depend upon

to stop you from k*lling yourself,

or you'll have to k*ll yourself.

Both of those options are better

than seeking validation
from any f*ck' Damian.

- It's...It's not Damian.
Damian doesn't have a kid.

- The one thing that no
one can take away from you.

The one thing that is yours,
regardless of any other people.

You're going to have to act, Charlie.

I'm miserable as f*ck.

I'm poor.

I can't even go home with my dying
mother.

Half my friends are dead.

I'm lonely,

and I have to teach you a bunch of

And all you want is fame and
validation.

But, hey, occasionally,

I get to act,

so I don't k*ll myself.

- Oh.

- C'mon, Greg.

- Oh, f*ck.
- Oh, God, sorry, man.

- Sorry, dude.

- Thank you.

- No worries, saw that one coming.

- Oh, no, no.

No, get him off.

Get him off.

- Come on, I'm here.

- He had this little baby

that was so cute.
- Yeah, Jim.

- What?
- Jim, that's his name.

- Jim?
- Yeah.

- Wait, like Jim for James,

or Jim for J--?
- I don't know.

I didn't listen to him when --

Oh, God, how's is wife though?

- Oh, she was really sweet.

- She wasn't that good in uni.

- Hey!

- Pat.

- Oh, my God, it's the
f*ck' chicken shop.

I know this chicken shop!

- Hey, boy!

- Oh, my God, that's your boss,

that little awful thing!

- Hey, boy, where you go?

- What did she say?
- Where you go?

- She calls you "Boy"?
- Boy, come back!

- She calls you "Boy"?
- Stupido.

- She doesn't even know your f*ck'
name!

- What was that, Miss?

- Tell him, come back!

- We can't really hear you.
Can you scream louder?

- (Yelling Woman) Hey, boy!
- Me?

You talkin' You talkin' to me?

- Not you! You!

This boy! Come back inside!

- Would I like chicken? Yes, yes.

And some chips.

- I fire him! I fire him!

- Yeah, we should go, we
should go, we should go!

Oh, say hi to your wife and child for
me.

It was so lovely to finally meet
them.

- Hey, stupid!
Boy, come back inside!

Do not just stand there
"Oh it's a nice night" Come on!

Come on, boy!

You want to job?

or you no want job?

Boy!

- Inside!

Come and finish your job inside!
Hello?

Hello?

Oh, thank you very much!

Thank you. Come on.