Sex Ed (2014)

[bunniefuu]

Hey, man. Do you have a

bathroom that we could use?

We?

She loves bathrooms.

No.

Look, man, we wanna f*ck

in the bagel bathroom.

You just tell me

what that's gonna take.

Nothing. You can't.

I'll tell you what.

Give me every

f*cking bagel you got.

I'll buy you out, and then I'm

gonna bang in the bagel room.

I really...

She wants to eat

a bagel off my c*ck.

Guys, I'm sorry,

but this isn't gonna happen.

I want

a c*ck bagel.

She wants a c*ck bagel, man. Sympathize.

I don't sympathize.

Hey, didn't you teach

geometry a couple of years ago?

No.

He did.

He was our f*cking student

teacher. Remember that?

Holy sh*t.

Yes, you're right.

Now you work in a bagel shop?

Economy's been really bad.

Wow, man.

You're a real loser.

I bet you masturbate a lot.

You have that look.

I don't have that look.

You guys need to leave.

- Or what?

- Or I'll call the police.

Oh, f*ck you, man.

We want the bathroom.

Aw, he's

the f*cking quarterback.

Stop!

Eat d*ck, bagel man.

Hey, let's

just go f*ck in your car.

Hey, man.

You're home early.

What are you

doing in my room?

It's cool.

A little mix-up.

She's great, right?

You're screwing in my bed?

I don't have sheets on my bed. I

thought you just lay down a towel.

She is not "just a towel"

kind of girl. She's special.

Oh, good. I'm happy...

That's not my bed.

That's Eddie's bed.

I'm disgusting. I... I don't

have any sheets on my bed...

I pissed the bed, threw out the

sheets and never got new ones.

And I just wanna be perfectly

honest with you because I'm...

I'm crazy about you.

You are

so f*cking cheesy.

And I think

I kind of like it.

Okay, good night.

Oh, Eddie.

Eddie, Ally.

Ally, Eddie. Hi. Hi.

So, you're the first girl

to be naked in my bed.

Oh, I'm...

I'm sorry.

No, no. It's fine.

Did that letter come

for me today, man?

Oh. Yeah.

It's in the bathroom.

What's it doing

in the bathroom?

That's where I read

my mail, dude.

Rejected.

What?

That sucks.

Dude, you were born to teach.

I was, man.

I'm a good teacher.

When I was a student teacher, our math

team went to the m*therf*cking state finals.

You g*dd*mn right they did. You gave

those nerds something to live for.

You don't get to the state

finals by being nice, man.

Geometry isn't nice. It's

f*cking hard. Pythagorean theorem?

- I don't even know what that is.

- I am sick and tired...

of waiting to be

a teacher, man.

You wanna screw a girl,

you don't wait to buy bedding.

The quarterback wants a

c*ck bagel, he doesn't wait.

and I'm gonna tell the American Teaching

Corps they owe me a g*dd*mn interview.

Yes! Yes!

Right? Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

What is a c*ck bagel?

Hi. You rejected my application

without ever giving me an interview.

And I deserve

an interview.

So that's why I'm here.

I like your spirit.

Let's see this rsum.

It says here you student-taught

at Bradenton. Good school.

I really enjoyed

that experience,

and I actually started a math

team that went to the state finals.

I used to work with kindergartners

before they put me behind the desk.

Oh. God, I loved those f*cking kids.

Great hugs.

And their smiles?

Gives you a reason

to wake up in the morning.

Absolutely.

You mind?

Totally.

You're allowed to like

drinking. You know what I mean?

Sure. Of course.

That's why

I love those kids.

I mean, if I were sad

or maybe a little drunk...

They don't judge.

You know?

Maybe I worked my way

through an eight ball...

and woke up in St. Pete with

half a kitten in a cardboard box.

Didn't matter.

Those little guys...

good for the hug, always.

Well, I've always thought

that a... a nurturing approach...

is much better

than being an authoritarian.

That's why we do it.

We don't do it for the

b*tches, that's for certain.

No. I... I do not do it

for the b*tches either.

Well, not to say

I pay for sex.

I mean, strip club occasionally,

but that's no biggie.

There's nothing wrong

with a gentleman's club.

No, there isn't.

Me, personally,

big fan of Odyssey 2001.

You been there?

Uh, the strip club?

I think I've seen it from the

highway. With the spaceship?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah.

A good strip club has

to have a compelling theme.

Otherwise, you're just jerking

off in a warehouse. You know?

Do you mind if I give you

some advice? Please do.

This isn't teaching advice.

This is life advice.

Okay, cool.

Never do two ill*gal things

at the same time.

I like that advice.

Can I give you

some more advice?

Do not go to a strip club

in the town you live in.

Not even Odyssey?

Especially not Odyssey.

Why? Because it

becomes habitual.

Before you know it, you're just

stopping by for a quick drink.

And the bartender's mixing you a "G

and T" before you even asked for it.

Then one day you wake up...

and guess what happens.

I don't know what,

but it sounds bad.

You're married, man.

You're f*cking married.

And your wife? She's still working

the pole four nights a week.

f*ck me.

That's all I'm saying.

Write this sh*t down.

I brought a pad.

This is gold, man.

All right, "Edward Cole. "

Right?

Eddie. Eddie's fine.

Eddie.

Yeah.

Like Eddie Murphy.

So, what do you

wanna teach, Eddie?

I mean, ideal world.

Well, I was trained

to teach math.

And as I was saying, our team

went to the state finals last year.

Good for you.

Well, the thing is...

we don't really have

any positions.

There's got to be something. Mm-mmm.

Oh, wait.

I do have something.

Done and done.

It's either Fourth or Fisk

Street. I can't read it.

Fisk?

Fisk. Fourth or Fisk.

Good luck.

I got the job!

No way, dude!

We're celebrating.

I'm so happy

for you, Eddie.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no, no. You're sitting

right there. Oh, watch out.

So, what's the job?

Oh, sorry. I don't wanna sit

on the couch and get all oily.

Um, it's up in Tampa...

Ybor City.

It's an after-school

study program for kids.

That's, uh... That's the

Cuban neighborhood, right?

It's really cool

up there.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm excited.

Brutal commute though, man.

f*cking bru...

You're gonna be living

on the Skyway.

I know.

I, uh... I don't mean

to insert myself here,

but it may make sense for you

to get a place closer up there.

Wh... No. No, no. If you move over

there, I'm never gonna see you.

I don't know, man.

Maybe it's a good idea.

A fresh start.

Well, what's most important

is that you're happy.

So... I guess do whatever makes

you happy, man.

And this is just gonna

keep on happening.

Role-play stuff, man.

What roles

are you guys playing?

Christmas in the firehouse.

Yeah, turkey was for dinner.

But what's the elephant? Oh.

My d*ck goes

in the nose like this.

# No time for dreaming #

# Dreaming, dreaming #

# Got to get on up #

# Get up #

# And do my thing #

# Ooh #

# No time for dreaming #

# Dreaming, dreaming #

# Got to get on up #

# Get up #

- # And do my thing #

- # And do your thing #

# Dream while

you're sleeping #

# Tired of slowly creeping #

# Open up your eyes #

# Before it's too late #

# Try a little harder #

# Stop wasting over yonder #

Hi. I'm here

to check out the apartment.

The apartment... you're gonna

love it. It's got everything.

So this is it.

This is your palace, baby.

This is where you're gonna

love and lose. It's all here.

All right.

Hey, m*therf*cker,

you gonna pay rent...

or am I gonna have

to make you homeless?

So, the walls here

are thin.

Got it.

But, you know, if you're

banging it out, don't be shy.

I don't mind

a little noise.

I'm... I'm fairly quiet

when I make love.

I'm just saying, you

know, I like the sound.

Sensuality and whatnot.

You know, life, happening.

Yeah, it can

be soothing.

And you might hear a little

bit of something from me too.

I might get a little screamy,

but it's all good.

If sh*t gets screamy,

I'm just handling my business.

Sure. Sure.

I think I'll take it.

Right on.

All right, well, come downstairs to

my bar later, meet your neighbors.

Okay, sure.

That's pretty

cool music.

Pretty cool?

Baby, it's the coolest.

I used to be in band.

Yeah, what'd you play?

The oboe. It's a woodwind.

Man, I know what a oboe

is. It's a p*ssy deflector.

It's like a p*ssy magnet,

but in reverse.

I was in jazz band, so...

You played jazz oboe?

Yeah. I had, like,

a Kenny G thing going on.

We used to do

jazzy Christmas songs.

But oboe.

Yeah, it wasn't

very cool, was it?

Oh, baby,

it really wasn't.

That's okay, doll.

What's your poison?

I'll have a whiskey.

All right.

# Come on, baby #

# Give me a chance now #

# Come on, darling #

# Give me a chance now #

# You know I'm sorry #

# I've been waiting

so long now #

# Just let me wreck the car #

# And I don't wanna #

# Come on,

daddy, daddy, daddy #

# Give me a chance ##

Hey, guys.

I'm Mr. Cole.

I am your after-school

activities coordinator.

So, what do you

wanna learn?

Come on, guys. You wouldn't be here

if you didn't wanna learn something.

This is detention.

What?

We have to be here.

We all got in trouble.

- Yes.

- Can I go to the bathroom?

Sure. Yeah. Go ahead.

Hey, you wanna hear me

freestyle rap?

- Uh...

- Yeah. He's awesome.

Okay. Sure. Yeah.

Let's hear something.

- All right, what's your name? Cole?

- Yeah.

All right. Go.

# Mr. Cole

likes it in the hole #

# Just a little brown,

wants to go downtown #

# Mm, Mr. Cole

sucking d*ck on the knoll #

- Hey... # p*ssy b*tch wanna

suck a d*ck on the knoll #

- Hey, that's enough.

- # He got one in his hole Both holes #

That's enough!

Aw, come on, Mr. Cole,

stop being such a b*tch.

If you use that kind of language in

this class, I will call your parents.

No, no, no, don't do that.

You can't.

- What's going on? Are you okay?

- I'm gonna die. I got cancer.

What?

I'm bleeding.

What do you mean? I'm

bleeding out my hoo-ha.

She's bleeding out her p*ssy.

Come... Come with me.

Come on.

I got these

in the teachers' lounge.

Here.

What do I do

with these?

That's a tampon. I

don't know what that is!

Well, see, you-you just... you

take it and you... put it in.

What? No way!

No, it's...

You just... Look. It...

It's...

Can I...

Can I call your parents?

My dad is working

right now, and...

I don't have a mom.

Uh...

Can you wait right here?

I know someone

that I can call.

Can you just wait here one

second? I'll be right back.

Oh, thank the Lord

you came.

This is my friend Ally.

She's a nurse.

She's gonna help you out.

Yeah. Come with me.

It'll all be all right.

You wanna get a drink

with JT?

There's a really cool bar underneath

my new apartment. Yeah, sounds good.

Hey. What are you still doing here?

Oh. My sister's meeting me,

but she's always late.

Oh. There she is.

That's your sister?

Hey, buddy.

Hi.

Hi. Uh, I'm Ed Cole.

I work at the school.

Pilar, Tito's sister.

Oh.

- Uh, this is my friend Ally.

- Hi.

Not my...

Not my girlfriend.

Oh. Okay.

- She's actually dating my best friend, so...

- I think she gets it, Eddie.

Right.

So...

How's it going?

Great. Good.

Yeah. Cool.

You come here often?

The school?

Yeah. Um... Yeah. I guess so.

I... I meet Tito

most days.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Um, we better get going,

right, Ed?

Yeah. We actually have plans

tonight, so we got to jet.

Yeah, we're going

to this really cool bar.

I don't know

if you wanna... chill.

Chill?

Yeah, like hang out.

Yeah, nobody says "chill. "

Tito, be nice

to your teacher.

Reggaeton ]

Let's roll.

That's our ride.

Yeah, I-I got

my ride over there.

Um, well, bye.

Yeah. Bye.

She was so scared 'cause no

one ever explained it to her.

Sex ed, man.

That's what these kids need.

Are you sure you're the best

person to be teaching sex ed?

You can teach sex ed

even if you're a virgin.

You might actually

be better at it.

- Whoa. Who said I was a virgin?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

For the record, Eddie is

definitely not a virgin.

He had, uh, crazy sex with a

Canadian girl one summer at camp.

Who is now a model

in Toronto.

Yeah.

Wow.

But maybe it is time

to get back out there.

- Dude, I liked this girl today.

- That did not go well.

- Why?

- It was really uncomfortable to watch.

Really uncomfortable.

Like watching that porno

with Screech.

What you need

is a rain dance.

I don't need a rain dance.

What's a rain dance?

he finds a girl who is less than

attractive and he has sex with her,

and then he paints

his face like an Indian...

You are in a dry spell. You

are in the Death f*cking Valley.

And once it rains, it pours.

So what you need to do...

is find a girl to end the dry

spell and get things pouring again.

No. That's

terrible advice.

Sometimes you got to get

your d*ck a little bit dirty.

I like having

a clean d*ck.

Well, unavailable men are

sometimes more attractive.

By unavailable, she means bros

who presently reek of p*ssy.

And even though you totally

lost your virginity at camp...

and everybody believes

you're not a virgin...

a rain dance

might be a good thing.

Jump-start things,

get things going again.

Yeah, but if I lower my

standards and date an ugly girl,

doesn't that kind of constrain

me to a particular ballpark?

Recall the woman to whom I

was laying pipe prior to Ally.

JT, I'm right here.

She looked like she lived

under a bridge. Yeah.

The girl I was railing

looked like a troll.

But I was getting laid.

And that, in some deep biological,

pheromonal, p*ssy-stank way,

attracted her to me.

So, why were you

attracted to me?

I don't know.

I just was.

Do you think

it was some sort...

of deep, pheromonal,

semen stink kind of way?

That's a good question.

If Ally smelled like jizz,

would you be attracted to her?

Yeah. If we were in a bar

and I had jizz on me,

would you come over

and talk to me?

- I don't think he would.

- I don't think he would either.

I... I... I really thought

you guys had something special.

And you'd get turned off

by a little white sauce.

I just want you to stop talking

about other people jizzing on you.

So, why were you

attracted to me?

I think maybe it's because you're

so willing to call me on my sh*t...

that you'll tell me

other people jizzed on you.

I'm pretty awesome

that way, right?

See, this is what I want...

what you guys have.

See, but if you want this,

you got to make it rain.

I have just the girl.

Who? She was a senior

when we were freshmen.

Crazy. And I don't think

she's changed since college.

Really? Oh, she will get the job done.

What is wrong

with you guys?

All right, guys,

today we're gonna learn

about the human body.

Now, I know there's a lot of slang

terms out there for body parts.

- Like "poontang. "

- Please be quiet, Leon.

It's important for you to know and

understand the scientific terms...

so that you have respect for your

bodies and for the bodies of others.

That's why in this class we're only gonna

use the proper names for the body parts.

So let's start

with the female anatomy.

Here we have

the labia majora.

Let me hear you say it.

Let's all get comfortable

with it here.

Labia majora.

Good.

Yes, Leon.

- Is it always called labia majora?

- Yes, Leon.

What if it's

kind of droopy?

It's always the labia majora.

- What if it looks like lunch meat?

- It's still the labia majora.

What if it looks

like a baby's face frowning?

That... That's still

labia majora.

- Well, what if it... - Leon, it will

always be labia majora. Okay?

I'm just saying, man, I seen some sh*t

that I would not call labia majora.

- Last warning, Leon. - Man, let me

know when you find your tiny d*ck.

It's right above

your tiny ba*ls.

Ooh.

Principal's office now.

- No, no, no. Mr...

- I warned you, Leon. Go!

Please, Mr. Cole,

my dad will k*ll me.

Go, Leon.

I was just talking.

You should know

better, Leon. I'm sorry.

You have a dirty mouth.

A dirty,

dirty mouth.

I taught you better than

that. You should know better.

You know better.

Sir, um,

I'm Eddie Cole.

I run the after-school

academic program.

Reverend Marcus Hamilton.

You're not gonna wash

your hands? Excuse me.

I apologize

for my son's behavior.

It's really not that big a

deal. It's just kids being kids.

So, what have the kids

been learning?

Uh, well, we are

taking some time...

to just talk about general

adolescent health issues.

What do you mean by that?

Well, uh,

Leon and the other kids

are going through puberty,

and they don't really understand

what's happening to them.

So... So you're telling my

son about his pubic hair?

No.

You don't think that I can

explain pubic hair to my own son?

No, of course not.

Believe me when I say...

I have a thorough

understanding of pubic hair.

And that these types of

discussions should be had at home...

between a parent

and child.

Not with some teacher that I barely

know and certainly don't trust.

I understand.

Come on, Leon.

What's up, honey? Hey.

I'm meeting a girl here.

Oh, all right.

Blind date.

Oh, I think she's here.

Hey.

Trish. You're Eddie. Hi.

Hi.

Oh.

Nice to meet you.

Sorry.

That's okay.

Wow. This is

a cool spot.

Yeah.

So, what's go...

up with you?

Not much.

I was just gonna say

your blouse is really nice.

Oh, thank you. It's a

good color. Good color.

Black.

- Can I get you something?

- Uh, shots. Thanks.

We'll get this party started. Okay.

Right?

Yeah.

What do you like to drink?

Everything.

They have

everything here. Mmm.

So, do you, like...

do you, like, sip?

'Cause I...

Like, the big cup sometimes...

Oh, that's how you... Okay. Mm-hmm.

And the parents are working, and

they cut after-school programs.

It's important.

I need to teach them.

Why don't you

teach me something?

Huh?

Oh, what do you

wanna learn?

Come on, Mr. Teacher.

Huh?

You show me

what you're made of.

Get up.

Whoo!

Whoop. Oh, I don't

think we should do that.

It's all clear.

Wait? In here? Here.

Come on.

Back here.

Come on.

Wait. We should go

to my apartment.

Mm-mmm.

Do you have

a nice d*ck?

Yeah.

Yeah?

I bet your d*ck

tastes like candy.

Yeah, it does.

Yeah?

What kind of candy?

Mmm. It's

d*ck-flavored candy.

Mmm. I like that.

Right.

What?

Why are guys

always using me?

What?

You only like me because you

know I give good blow jobs.

Don't... No, no. I didn't

know that. I didn't know it.

Well, I do.

They're really good.

Great. I used to give JT blow jobs.

I thought

I loved him,

but he only

loved blow jobs.

You're a really

nice person.

You're... You're...

You're such a nice person.

We don't have

to get physical right now.

Oh, no, it's okay.

And I am

such a freak sometimes.

Just pull your d*ck out.

No. No, it's fine.

It's okay.

Just pull it out.

We're good. We're good.

I really...

I really think...

We're fine. It's okay.

Oh.

Got it.

Okay.

You're g*y.

You are g*y.

Hmm.

No.

Okay. Well...

She called me g*y.

Oh, my God.

You're upset about that?

Yes, I am.

Why?

That girl was served up

to me on a silver platter.

Oh, please. When Tonya

Harding walked in here,

you looked at her

like she was born out of an egg.

You were not interested.

Yeah, I didn't

really like her, but...

Sometimes you got to lower

your standards. You know?

No, I don't know.

You think when I pull a man's

pants down and I see a tiny p*nis,

that I'm like, "Ahh.

This micro-d*ck will do?

Girl's gotta eat. "

sh*t. f*ck that sh*t.

I... I haven't been with

a girl in basically forever.

So?

So?

It makes you a dude who hasn't

had his bird wet in a while.

That don't mean sh*t.

I'm 23,

and I feel like I'm 15.

I'm broke. I don't have the job I want.

I don't have a girl.

I just... I feel like I'm

waiting for life to start for me.

Let me tell you something.

You wanna be a man?

You wanna scratch

the surface of life?

Stop moping.

Because that's not

what men do.

Life will start for you

when you start it for yourself.

Sit up.

Okay, today we're gonna talk about

sexually transmitted diseases.

Can anybody

name one?

Yes.

The clap.

The clap. Right.

The clap is slang

for gonorrhea.

- Any others?

- Crabs.

Crabs. Right.

Crabs is slang

for pubic lice.

- All right. Anybody else?

- The green drip.

Green drip.

I think you're talking

about chlamydia.

Cool. More.

I think that

is every S.T.D.

I think

we got 'em, Fish.

So abstinence...

not having sex at all...

is the only way to completely prevent

the transmission of these diseases,

but if you do become

sexually active,

wearing a condom

can help reduce your risk.

Man, that's like wearing

a raincoat in the shower.

Watch it, Leon.

My brother says that condoms are for

people who are afraid to ride dirty.

Okay.

Well, right now these are

just names on the board.

Let's put a face

to these diseases.

Using condoms can keep this kind

of stuff from happening to you.

I'm not a rawdogger.

I don't wanna be.

So, who wants to learn

how to put on a condom?

That's what I thought.

All right, everybody come

up here and grab a banana...

or a cucumber

and a couple condoms.

# I got a thing on my mind #

# Sure 'nough gonna find it #

# I got a thing on my mind #

# Sure 'nough gonna find it #

# Don't let nobody tell me #

# My thing,

it won't come true #

# 'Cause I ain't lying down #

# Till I get my dues #

# I got a thing on my mind #

# I'm sure 'nough

gonna find it #

# I got a thing on my mind #

If I wanna go out

with a girl,

how many dates do I need to take

her out on before we have sex?

You're pretty young

to be having sex.

You can probably wait a

few years, and that's okay.

No, but I wanna

have sex.

I understand.

A lot of people do, but...

I mean, there's just...

there's really no rush.

I've been dating this girl,

Margarita, for a while,

and so far all I've

gotten are hand jobs.

Well, that's pretty advanced

for someone your age.

I hate hand jobs.

They're so rough.

Look, the bottom line is

that you shouldn't rush it.

It will happen

when the time is right.

Dude, I watch

this stuff on the Internet,

and it's like these guys

just start banging right away.

- What are you watching on the Internet?

- It's the one with the van.

It's called Bangbus.

These two guys go around and...

Tito, that kind of stuff

isn't real.

Girls just aren't gonna jump

in a van and have sex with you.

But it seems pretty real.

They go to places like the mall.

They look just like the mall.

Hey, let's talk

about this later.

Hey.

So, you know, you're officially

Tito's favorite teacher.

What?

Pilar, come on.

Yeah, it's true. He can't

stop talking about you at home.

He says you're the best

teacher he ever had.

Wow. Thanks.

You should come to our

house for dinner tonight.

Our mom

wants to meet you.

Cool. Yeah, I'd like that.

# Double-O-Soul #

# I dig rock-and-roll music #

# I can do

the twine and the jerk #

# I wear strictly

continental suits #

# And high-collared shirts #

# I've got

a reputation of being #

# Gentle but bold #

# And that's why they call me #

# Agent Double-O-Soul, baby ##

Hey.

Come on in, Mr. Cole.

Salsa ]

- Hello!

You are Tito's teacher, yes?

That's right. Yes.

Welcome.

Oh. Hi.

Oh! I brought some of this.

Some rum.

Let's have some rum

for the teacher.

Sure.

Hey, what are you doing?

You don't get rum.

He's the man

of the house and he knows it.

I say to him, "Honey, you don't even

know what it means to be a man. "

Now, maybe he has a little mustache,

but he's still a little boy.

You're right. Yeah, you

should listen to your mom.

Having a mustache doesn't mean

you got it all figured out.

That's right.

Salud.

Hey, where's Hector? Oh,

he's running a little late.

He'll be here.

Hector's your boyfriend?

Yeah. You'll like him.

Cool.

Since Hector is late,

I need you to help me with

dinner. Sure. Yeah. What can I do?

I need you

to stand right there.

I need you

to take the spices...

and rub into the pig.

Rub it hard,

Mr. Eddie.

All over the butt.

Inside. Go... Yeah, go all the way in.

Get right in there...

so it's tasty.

Like this?

Lighten up.

Have a drink.

Just a little piggy.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hey.

We're giving

dinner for you tonight.

S. Bueno, bueno.

Quiera rum?

Claro. Dale.

Aqu.

Hey, baby.

Oh. This is Eddie,

Tito's favorite teacher.

Oh, yeah.

The teacher.

Now a drink.

Salud.

Salud.

Nice to meet you.

And you.

Officially.

So, what do you do?

I'm actually a deejay.

- Oh, cool.

- Yeah.

You do a little of this

when you deejay?

No. Not like that.

Oh, your technique

is better than mine?

You have to be

more casual.

You're putting

too much effort into it.

It's way too white guy

right now.

I am a white guy. I'm just

doing the fist pump of my people.

I guess I'm being

too r*cist, huh?

I do wish you were a little

bit more open to my culture.

I'm sorry.

I'll be more sensitive.

So, what kind of stuff

do you play?

I play, like,

uh, reggaeton.

I actually don't know

what that is.

It's like Latino hip-hop. You know?

So, where do you deejay?

Um, clubs

around here mostly.

But I do a couple of shows

in Miami every year.

It's so much fun. You

should totally come out.

Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that.

Pilar, I need

some help in the kitchen.

Right.

Hey! Eddie!

Have a drink with me?

Huh?

Yeah, all right.

Okay. Yeah.

Preprate.

Okay. Vmonos.

Uno, dos, tres,

cuatro.

Hmm.

Dale.

Whew.

I was at the gym earlier

lifting weights.

That's why I was late.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, you got a nice physique.

Yeah, you work out?

Yeah, I do actually.

I like... I like to use

the ergometer.

Oh... The what?

The rowing machine.

The erg.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

I ne...

I never heard of it.

So, uh...

Listen, you, uh,

always come to your

students' homes for dinner?

No, this is actually

my first time.

Hmm. Yeah.

I don't know, man.

It seems...

It seems a little weird.

Well, Pilar invited me, and

I figured it would be cool.

Oh. Pilar invited you.

Mm-hmm. 'Cause I'm Tito's

favorite teacher, so...

That's interesting.

Maybe next time

don't come for dinner.

Maybe next time

say you're busy.

Yeah. Sorry.

Man, you don't know anything.

Have another one

with me.

Have another one with me.

You good?

Yeah.

It came out

so good tonight, Mom.

Thank you.

Try one.

He's not gonna do that. That's gross.

Eddie, I...

Don't. I wouldn't.

Is it good?

Nah, man,

it's disgusting.

Why eat it then?

Because, papi,

I eat what I want.

You know what?

I eat what I want too.

Papi.

What... I didn't actually

think that he would eat it.

He did eat it.

Are you okay?

Be a man. Come on.

Yeah. Yeah. Are you okay?

Yeah!

Oh!

sh*t!

Listen, sweetie.

It ain't over.

I have to disagree

with you there.

I puked on a man before.

Puked right on the d*ck.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

sh*t was salty.

Made me gag.

Wow.

You know what I did?

What?

I said, "Man, go wash your

d*ck off and let's do this. "

You didn't let it

stop you for a second.

It stopped me for a second because

I wanted him to wash his sh*t off,

but it didn't stop me.

Two tears in a bucket.

f*ck it. This is living.

You should be so lucky that you're

out there falling in love with women,

puking your guts out

for 'em and on 'em.

That's true.

It's courageous.

Would you wanna be with a woman that you

wouldn't drink half a handle of rum...

and eat an eyeball for?

I appreciate this. I really

do. But she has a boyfriend.

Man, f*ck a boyfriend.

It always starts

before it stops.

I know. And she's...

she's beautiful.

But to her, I'm just her

brother's dorky teacher.

But you'll never know

if you don't go after it.

And a man

can't live that way...

you know, wondering

what life might be like.

You got to be mad for

something. Be crazy for it.

You got to wash the puke off

that d*ck and get into it.

Guys, this is J and Ally.

They're gonna help us

with our lesson today.

I like your hair, baby.

You look spicy.

Leon, remember, we're

trying to be more respectful.

I'm just saying, baby,

I like your spice.

I can get

involved with your business.

Cool it, you little sh*t. Oh.

Ooh!

Okay, okay, let's all calm down.

JT and Ally

are gonna help us learn...

how to respectfully communicate

with the opposite sex.

I like JT.

He looks strong.

Show me

your muscles.

- Oh!

- Ooh.

Abs, abs, abs,

abs, abs, abs, abs,

abs, abs!

This is no place for abs. Sorry.

Thank you.

We're gonna pair off.

Who wants to go first?

Do you wanna come over

and watch a movie?

Okay, Shelly, it sounds like

you're trying to booty-call me.

Is that what

you really want?

I like your shoes.

They're fly.

Make fun of me a little bit.

Don't just tell me how great I am.

Girl,

I like your skin.

Whoa. What is this,

Silence of the Lambs?

Shh.

If someone sends me

a snapshot of his d*ck,

do I have to send back

a picture of my "V"?

Whoa. What?

You're sexy.

Well, not only

was that not creative,

but you gave off

kind of a rapey vibe.

Is that what you're

trying to throw out there?

Those shoes are wack.

Your mom get them for you

at the mall?

Ooh!

Great. Great work.

I love what you did there.

Right now I think I'm just gonna try

and bang as many chicks as possible.

Yeah, that's not

a good idea.

I just don't think you should

be Snapchatting with anybody...

who sends you pictures

of their d*ck.

But I-I really like him.

You don't like the guy that sends

d*ck pics. You say no more d*ck pics.

Girls need

to stick together.

Don't let boys

come between you.

The only thing that they have

that you don't have is a p*nis,

and a p*nis is no reason

to be sad.

I don't know

if you've masturbated yet.

Honestly, we don't have

to talk about it,

but my advice to you:

Rub one out before any major

decision involving the opposite sex.

I wanna light some candles

and play R. Kelly...

and just

get emotional with you.

Oh, my goodness.

He says three dates

means he gets a blow job.

Ooh.

Tha-That's not accurate.

That's what he said.

You say...

You say no jobs.

There's no jobs.

There's no jobs in this area.

It's a jobless...

It's a job-free zone.

That's what you tell him.

No jobs.

Good God, man.

Wow. These kids

really do need you.

Man, they are operating on a

whole different sexual level.

I know, man.

This Snapchat thing...

Just... dicks, man.

Everybody's got a d*ck

on their phone.

You guys wanna go

get a drink?

I think I just need

to be alone right now.

Ah.

Never too good at that.

Hi.

Hey, Pilar.

I'm really sorry about the

whole thing the other night.

It's all right.

After we cleaned up all the

vomit, it was kind of funny.

Yeah, I've never seen someone throw up

on my mom, so it was kind of awesome.

Yeah, a little too much rum

for me, I think.

- How's Hector?

- He's a dickhead.

Tito, will you

give us a sec?

He's all right. We're

taking a break, actually.

He was being

a little possessive.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Hey, what are you doing

Thursday night?

There's this really cool bar

underneath my apartment.

They do this Afro-Cuban

jazz thing on Thursdays.

I don't know

if you'd want to come.

Sounds great.

All right.

It's a date then.

Yeah. I-I... I mean,

like, it's a drink.

Like an appointment.

Like it's in the books.

But I'll pay

for the tab though, so...

It's a date then.

Yeah.

Got drunk with the wife last

night and watched Modern Family.

Oh, that sounds nice. Love

the g*y guys on that show.

So f*cking awesome.

But you always wonder, you know, which

one's the top and which one's the bottom.

Yeah, they don't really

get into that on the show.

'Cause Cam... he's such a b*tch,

you know,

so you figure, "Oh.

He'd probably be the bottom. "

But he's the big one, and

isn't the big one always on top?

'Cause of the whole

domination thing?

I've never really

thought about it.

Yeah. Me neither.

It's a mysterious world, the

whole g*y-man thing. Yeah, it is.

But let's face it.

They kind of got it made

in the shade. You know?

I mean, any night of the week,

they can get laid.

Just go to some club

that's filled with hot dudes...

I mean, like good-looking,

ripped, totally, like, muscle guys,

and they can just bone down.

They-They have an app

for that, actually.

Imagine if we had that app.

It would be... It would be

a lot easier.

Yeah. Although slow down.

I mean, we're making

some major generalizations here.

I mean, it's not like

all g*y men are sluts.

I know a lot, actually, that are

in very committed relationships...

Really serious, you know?

True commitment.

That's nice.

Yeah.

Love... Love doesn't care

about gender.

Well, I'd love to talk

about Modern Family all day,

but you know why you're here?

Just a progress report?

Little checkup?

No, man.

You really shat

on the wrong chest.

I'm sorry?

Reverend Hamilton

was in here the other day.

He's really pissed.

You're handing out condoms

in your class?

What are you teaching?

Just... general

adolescent health issues.

You mean sex ed.

Well, yeah.

Eddie, we don't teach sex ed

in this district.

That's a hot issue.

Reverend Hamilton petitioned it.

Keep it up

and he'll pull your program,

and you...

you'll be out a job.

These kids need to learn

about their bodies.

Half of them are already

experimenting sexually.

Look, Eddie, truth be told,

I don't give a sh*t what

you're teaching in your class.

Hamilton runs a recovery meeting

on Wednesdays at the school gym.

I suggest you go talk to

him and make your case.

Okay, I'll do that.

Wow. Big class today.

We told them

you were explaining stuff...

about sex.

Oh.

Well, unfortunately,

we can't do that today.

But I do have

some brain teasers,

so we're gonna do

some of that.

Not you, Leon.

I'm just grabbin' a pen.

Come on.

I can see you.

Hey, Tito, could I

talk to you outside for a second?

Okay.

So, um...

Your sister and I

are gonna go out on date.

Would that be okay with you?

Really? What are you guys gonna do?

I don't know.

I'm still figuring that out.

Question:

Do you get a b*ner

when you see my sister?

Or do you have a b*ner now

'cause you're thinking about her?

No.

Really?

Yeah. No b*ner right now.

See, with me

it's like right away.

All I have to do is think

about Margarita, and boom.

Well, I think that's 'cause you're

going through puberty right now. So...

I hope so man. Sometimes I'm

like a walking b*ner. You know?

It's why I can't

wear sweatpants anymore.

So...

Isn't it weird though?

I was like, why does everybody stop

wearing sweatpants in middle school?

And now I know why.

Very true.

So, you're okay with this?

Yeah, totally, man.

Cool. All right, thanks.

Um, let's get back to work.

Remember, one day at a time.

Reverend Hamilton.

Mr. Cole.

I-I recently washed it.

What can I do for you?

I was hoping that we could

discuss my after-school program.

See, here's the issue,

Mr. Cole.

I don't think that sex or anything

relating to it should be taught in school.

I understand why you feel that

way... I don't think you do.

Because I'm not just

some Bible thumper.

I don't think there's

anything wrong with sex.

Sex is a beautiful thing.

I love sex.

I make love to my wife

with great frequency.

That's great that you

have that in your marriage.

But sex is love,

and love is God.

And teaching sex

without God is wrong...

because you're

teaching a formula...

a mechanical exchange of fluids,

and if those children

see that as such,

they're gonna do it,

early and often.

Maybe you could come

and observe a class,

'cause I think

once you saw it in action,

you'd see that we approach

it with the respect...

and the sensitivity

that it deserves.

All right, Mr. Cole.

I'll give you that chance.

Great. Thank you.

Mmm! All right, he's in. Flip 'em.

Full f*cking house!

Son of a b*tch.

Hey!

How's it going?

Hey, how's the new place?

Dude.

Did you christen

the bed yet?

I got a date with her, man.

It's f*ck' happening. What?

Mm-hmm. Are your parents

gonna drive you to the mall?

Maybe on a second date you can

finger her in the movie theater.

I'm not in a rush, man.

I really like this girl.

I like your style, Ed.

Thank you.

No, I do.

I think it's a noble way

to look at the situation.

- Oh, here we go again. - Blow it out

your a*s, Hank. Okay? This is important.

Check it out. When I'm laying

in bed with my wife, right,

and she's sleeping

and I'm watching her...

and the minute

that she opens her eyes...

And you sit on her face.

Good morning, Vietnam!

JT, I'm trying to have

a conversation here.

Stop.

What I'm trying to say is, the

minute that she opens her eyes,

it's true love.

And we get to fall in love over and

over again with each passing day.

Jimmy, show him the picture.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Take a good, long look at that

right there. That's natural.

Motherhood is a

beautiful thing. Isn't it?

- Oh, let me see that.

- You've seen this.

Holy... That's your wife?

Easy.

Are those real?

That's the mother of my child,

you as*h*le. Oh, I'm jealous.

We can take care of this

right now. Jimmy, calm down.

You show her t*ts to everyone in

town, so I can't say I blame the guy.

That's true.

Eddie? My office.

Your problem is that you think love and

super-hot nasty sex are mutually exclusive.

I love Ally, I do,

but that does not stop me...

from getting a hard-on and boning

that girl like a dime-store hooker.

I know, man. I get it. I'm

just playing this one my way.

Dude, f*ck your way.

Your way is dropping $120

on prom night...

and ending up with yet

another case of blue ba*ls.

The time has come.

The time has come

to turn those ba*ls...

from a purplish navy

to a pale pink.

I get it, man. I do.

I want it.

I just want it

to be special.

And it will be special...

if you have these.

What are these?

The sh*t, my friend.

I had to order a whole

crate of 'em to get 'em.

They're from Canada.

They make you bigger,

they make you last longer...

and more importantly, they make

you come like a f*cking donkey.

f*ck' Canadians, man.

Take one of these bad boys. Without 'em

you'll probably last like 15 seconds.

And you want it

to be special, right?

Yeah.

Great.

And when you blast

like eight f*ck' ropes,

it's gonna be extra special.

Okay, guys, so yesterday

you wrote down your questions,

and today we're gonna read 'em

together and I'm gonna answer them.

And remember, there's nothing

to be embarrassed about.

There's no such thing

as a stupid question here.

So, Shelly, why don't you

pick one off the top...

and read it out loud.

I don't want to say

this question.

It's gross.

Okay, I'll read it. I'll decide

whether or not it's gross.

"Can a boy pee in a girl's

vag*na when they're having sex?"

Yeah, I know it's funny,

but it's actually

a good question.

When a man has an erection,

the part of the urethra that connects

to the bladder gets pinched off.

So it's actually impossible

for a man to do that.

So, there you go.

Um, Leon.

Why don't you

do the next one.

Shelly, pass the box

back to Leon.

I don't think

I should say this question.

Leon, it's a science class.

There's no wrong questions here.

Okay.

The question is,

"What's a squirter?"

Okay. Okay. Um...

That is a, uh, slang term...

for when a female...

ejaculates during orgasm,

which we talked about,

so good question, basically.

Uh, next.

Can you get pregnant

the first time you have sex?

Yes, you can. If you are sexually

mature, you can get pregnant. Next.

Is there such a thing

as blue ba*ls?

Can double penetration get you pregnant?

This is inappropriate.

Not a scientific question.

Not answering those.

"Can a minivan be a bang bus or

does it have to be full-sized van?"

Science.

We want science questions.

What does a vag*na taste like?

Tito, that's not scientific.

Can a she-male

have sex with itself?

- Come on.

- I'm sorry, Reverend.

Does a tea bag feel good?

- Really?

- Does a tea bag taste good?

- Oh, this is ridiculous.

- Reverend.

Reverend, wait.

Reverend!

Reverend Hamilton.

Wait.

This class is a joke,

and you, sir,

are a joke of a teacher.

I will not support a question-and-answer

session by students...

my son included...

on oral sex.

These are their questions.

They need answers.

If I don't give them

the facts, who will? You?

You're indulging

these children, Mr. Cole.

You're encouraging

their worst instincts.

You had your chance.

All you've done is show me

that this cannot continue.

Does semen taste

like Chinese food?

Don't act like

you don't know.

I need a condom.

My girlfriend wants

to do it. She's ready.

Tito, you're

too young to have sex.

I think I'm gonna start missionary

to look into her eyes and all that.

But then it's all doggy style.

I'm gonna line that sh*t up.

Stop it. You gotta promise me

you're not going to do this.

Why?

'Cause you're not ready.

There's real emotions involved.

It-It's a real...

It's about teaching you so that

when you are ready, you'll be safe...

and that you'll

have respect for it.

That's bullshit.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

I'm still gonna do it,

so are you gonna give me

the condom or not?

You have really pretty eyes.

What color are they?

They're blue, but they have

a little green and yellow.

Nice.

Are you okay?

I'm sorry. I...

I've had a really rough day.

They're thinking

of canceling my class.

I've been teaching sex ed 'cause

I... I think they need to know it,

and... I gave out condoms

in class...

and this one parent

got really mad at me.

I can see why.

And I'm worried

about your brother.

Why are you worried

about my brother?

I think that he might try

and have sex tonight.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

How would you even know

he's gonna have sex?

'Cause he told me,

and he asked me for a condom.

And you gave it to him? Yeah.

What was I supposed to do?

I don't know. Maybe tell me,

his sister, so I could stop him.

And why are you giving out

condoms to your students?

That's really weird. If he

asks me and then I tell on him,

then the next time

maybe he won't ask,

and then he may try

and have sex without a condom.

Basta. Whatever. We need

to go back to my house now.

He's probably there with her

alone. My mom is out tonight.

Tito! Hey, guys.

- What are you doing?

- We were watching The Notebook.

Oh, bullshit. Margarita,

you need to leave.

Eddie, you should leave too.

Are you sure? I can stay.

You've done enough already.

What? What do you mean?

This is your fault.

You gave him a condom and

taught him how to use it.

If I hadn't given him a condom, he

might have tried to have sex without one.

- Dude, I could have pulled out.

- No, man, you can't do that.

It doesn't work.

Sometimes pulling out works.

No... What?

No, it doesn't work!

This is why we need sex ed.

Eddie.

I want you to leave.

Really?

Yes.

All right.

Yo! Where you goin', son?

So you think it's cool to go out

with another guy's girl, huh?

Hey, she's a grown woman.

She can do what she wants.

Shut the f*ck up.

Who do you think you are?

I'm a grown man.

I can do what I want.

I don't think so.

Tonight you're gonna get f*cked.

Who's gonna f*ck me?

I am.

I'm gonna f*ck you up.

# How long #

# Must I keep going on? #

You want some company

tonight?

Yeah, f*ck it.

Yeah.

Got a headache.

Oh, no. The...

That's all right.

Never mind.

So, why don't you

tell me how you want it?

Normal, I guess. Um...

The-The... The standard.

How about I suck

your big c*ck first?

Yeah. Okay. Let me... Let

me put on a condom. A condom?

Yeah. Don't you know how easy it

is to get an S.T.D. from oral sex?

No. I had no idea.

Especially syphilis.

Fifteen percent of syphilis

transmissions happen through...

Oh, my God!

What is that?

Oh, sh*t.

Not again.

Oh, God.

Now you owe me an extra

hundred. That doesn't seem fair.

So, you get beat up, so you

decide to f*ck a prost*tute?

Yeah.

Except I didn't f*ck her

'cause it wasn't a her.

It was a he, a guy...

the hooker.

Oh. Well, I retract

my earlier advice...

about you needing

to lower your standards.

You now need

to raise your standards.

I didn't know

it was a guy.

Sh... He was dressed like a girl, a

really pretty girl. Couldn't you just tell?

His hands were kind of rough.

What did you do

with his hands?

f*ck' hell.

D...

You still got a b*ner, man.

You could hold up a bank

with that thing.

You took the load pills for a hooker?

What happened to what's-her-name?

We ended up tracking down her

little brother to c*ck-block him.

And then she kicked me out

because I gave him condoms.

That is a weird date.

I'm a virgin, JT.

I know.

Come on, nobody believes you

screwed that Canadian girl at camp.

You were too afraid

to talk to her.

There was a lot of tension.

Something could have happened.

Listen, Eddie,

it'll happen.

Everybody gets laid.

Your class is canceled until

I can hire somebody new.

These kids need this.

I like you, Eddie.

I really do.

But you shat the bed

on this one.

They're middle school students

having sex as we speak.

Uh...

Not right now, but...

I know, Eddie.

I know

they're out there f*ck',

but you're done.

Sorry. There's nothing

I can do about it.

You here for a bagel?

No, baby, I'm here for you.

Talk to me.

What's goin' on?

Where you been?

Well,

a few nights ago I got

the sh*t kicked out of me,

and then I paid $70

to almost f*ck a dude.

A dude. With a d*ck.

And then I got fired.

Hot damn.

Do I have a faraway look

in my eyes?

Like something's

haunting me?

You look like

you've seen terrible things.

I need to have had sex

just once...

just to get that confidence.

Fool, you gotta stop looking at

life as a series of checklist items.

Stop thinking about

whether or not you've had sex...

and start thinking about what you need

to do to become the man you want to be.

The man you wanna be isn't

just someone who f*cked a woman.

It's someone who knows what

he wants and goes after it.

Ask yourself,

"Who's the man I wanna be?"

Is he a bagel man?

No. He's a teacher.

You're damn straight he is.

Does he want to eat a butt?

No. No, he does not.

But he could if he wanted to,

because he knows what he wants.

Hey.

I just wanted to come by

and apologize.

Okay.

So, I'm sorry.

Fine.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I really don't.

I'm just trying

to do the right thing.

I get it.

I like you.

I really do.

We hardly know each

other, and you're Tito's teacher.

Yeah, but I wanna live in a

world where this can happen,

where a guy can pursue a woman

with grand gestures.

That's really sweet.

So here's my grand gesture.

What is that?

It's an oboe.

Oh.

It's a woodwind.

It's not really meant

to be played unaccompanied.

It's all right.

Um, it was beautiful.

Let's do something right now.

Why don't you show me someplace

you love in the city.

Okay.

Are there any alligators

in this river?

Come on.

I just need to know if I'm

gonna have to protect you.

Are you a big

alligator wrestler?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Can't you tell?

These big muscles.

Come on. I'm gonna show

you my favorite spot.

Where'd you grow up?

Sarasota.

Do you miss it? It's still

kind of close. I can go back.

I mean high school.

Not really.

I do.

Had a bunch of friends.

I'm still friends

with all of them.

I mean, they didn't, like, shove

me into lockers or anything.

I wasn't that kid, but...

I bet you were a huge nerd.

Yeah. I was a nerd,

and it was awesome.

I want to take you out tonight

to my favorite club.

I'm not really

a big club guy.

Come on.

You'll like it.

Don't you want to see what you've been

missing out with all the cool kids?

Sure.

Okay.

Bobby!

Mwah. Look at you.

Turn around.

Hot damn, girl.

What's up?

Um, it's just the two of us.

Is that cool?

Look, you're good.

It's kind of crazy in there

right now so, uh, no dudes.

We can just go to the bar

by my apartment.

Is it okay if I just go in

and say hi to some friends?

I'll be quick.

She ain't coming back, man.

What?

Yeah, I've seen this a hundred times

before, man. Club's got her now.

Dude, we're on a date.

We just made out.

Oh, you just made out?

Yeah.

You just on a date?

I'm telling you, when that music gets in

your system like it's getting in her system...

Oh, my God, she is feeling it

in every part of her body, man.

It's the music.

It's not her.

Champagne, jewels, caviar,

fur coats...

I mean, people just

wearing fur coats for no reason.

There's some Stephen Hawking

sh*t going on in there, man.

It's like a wormhole.

The pull of the dance floor...

She can't help herself.

Sex. Can't forget about sex.

Okay?

I'm mad 'cause

I'm feeling it now, okay?

I would rather be in there, but

I'm outside with you right now.

So here's what I need you... Here's

what I need you to do for me, okay?

I need you to go home...

And this is your best bet.

Just go home, have a quick

beat-off, fall asleep, man.

I'll be right back.

Look who it is,

out with my girlfriend.

I don't want any trouble, man.

Yeah? Well, you got trouble.

Man, f*ck off!

Am I gonna have

to kick your a*s again,

you little f*ck' p*ssy?

I was just trying to keep

the peace. That's what I was doing.

I didn't have nothing to do with all

this, 'cause this is my operation.

The white dude, man, he came from

out of nowhere, man, like a hurricane,

Like, he tore someone. He fish-hooked

the m*therf*cker. The "Hispanish" dude.

If you don't know what that is, it's

when you take your hand like such...

and you rip it like a fish.

So if you ask me,

he won the fight for sure, man.

Yeah, right, he won the fight

due to a fishhook maneuver.

Dude, I don't think I can

get you off again, man.

Man, I am pulling all kind of

favors with my buddies in police,

but two times in two

weeks, that is a lot.

Well, I say

congratulations.

I sounds like

you're finally living.

I don't have a job and I

probably have an arrest record,

and Pilar ditched me.

I'll tell you what, honey.

Forget the woman. You need

to go and get your job back.

- He can't. This Reverend Hamilton guy.

- Oh, my God.

How is it I'm the only one in this

group who has some f*cking ba*ls?

You're right.

Those kids need me.

Without you, they're gonna learn

about sex from the Internet,

and the Internet

is a dark place.

Lemonparty?

Yeah, that's disgusting.

Bukkake? I mean...

The whole concept

of bukkake.

Girls are gonna think it's cool for a

bunch of weird guys in business suits...

- to just jerk off on their faces.

- Ew.

I don't think I need to tell you

guys that sh*t's inappropriate.

I'm gonna talk to Hamilton

after school tomorrow.

He's got an A.A meeting

that he leads there.

I am right there

with you, man.

I think I gotta

do this one myself.

Just take a seat up there.

- What are you doing here?

- My name's Eddie Cole.

- I'd like to share.

- This is a private meeting, Mr. Cole.

I need to share.

I'm gonna share, okay?

How many parents

we got in here?

Just answer me one question,

and then I'll go.

How many of you have discussed

sex with your children?

Please raise your hands.

Where do you think kids learn about

sex if not from you, their parents,

or me, a teacher?

They learn about it

from each other...

or from things

they've seen in movies...

or on the Internet,

with p*rn*graphy.

They see images of men doing

strange and mean things to women.

Sometimes like four or five guys

and just one girl,

doing things

that are uncomfortable,

doing things that might cause

some sort of injury.

Girls learn that they should

expect men to treat them badly.

The truth is, maybe I'm not the right

person to be teaching this class.

I don't have

the teaching experience.

I don't even have

the sexual experience.

I'm actually a virgin.

So that's kind of nuts

that I'm teaching sex ed.

But this class is important.

It's the most important thing

that we can teach these kids.

Mr. Cole is

really important to us...

because he tells us

straight about sex.

Yeah, I used to think

it was normal and easy...

to meet women to have sex

with you if you had a big van.

I tried it, man. It's not.

Now we know that sex like

that just isn't normal.

And it's not even,

like, a good idea.

I mean, if you just go around having sex

with everybody, you're gonna get a disease.

And if you do that, you can get

coot checkers on your labia majora.

What we're trying to say is, there are things

about having sex and being a grown-up...

that are too weird

to talk to your dad about.

I love you, Dad, but I

can't ask you about butt sex.

I just can't,

but I can ask Mr. Cole,

and I know he'll give me

a real answer...

that if two adults mutually

agree that they wanna do a**l,

they can do it, provided they use

sufficient lubrication and condoms.

How am I supposed to have that

conversation with my dad, the reverend?

We need Mr. Cole.

and his class makes me realize,

maybe it's okay if I'm one too.

Excuse me, Mr. Cole.

I'll catch up with you

in a second.

Hey, thanks for your support

in there.

I really... support you.

Just let me know if there's anything

else I can do to support you.

Any time.

Hey.

Hey, you.

Hey.

Congratulations.

Tito told me

about what happened.

Yeah, thanks.

He also told me what

you said in the classroom...

about you not having sex.

Is that true?

It is. Uh, I'm sorry. I

know that's kind of weird.

Stop.

What's goin' on?

What do you think?

I...

Yo! We're all waiting

for you down at The Hub.

One second, man.

I'll be right down.

Come on!

Hey, why don't we go down to the

bar, celebrate with everybody...

and then we can

come back up?

Come here.

I wanna be your first.

Dude, I'll be right down!

I don't need to do it

right this second.

We don't need to do it

just to do it.

Isn't that a good reason?

I'm not saying I don't

want to do it with you.

Just maybe right now

isn't the best time.

Why not?

Why don't we go down?

We can listen to some music.

You can meet my friends.

We could dance.

I, like,

really don't like that bar.

What? Really?

Yeah, I'm not into it.

Okay, well...

Why don't we...

f*ck right now...

and go to this club

down the block after?

You know,

last time we went to a club,

I kind of got stuck outside.

I know. I know, but it'll

be different this time.

Yeah, but... Eddie, I'm...

I'm trying to make you cooler.

I'm not that uncool.

I know. I just... I...

f*ck it.

I don't get you.

I really don't.

You can stay a virgin.

I guess I think that's okay.

Fine.

f*ck.

Did I ruin that for you?

Feels like you need a

little bit of bourbon, baby.

On the rocks,

splash of soda?

Yeah.

So, where's your lovely?

She is lovely, isn't she?

She is.

I ended it.

I don't know

what's wrong with me.

It'll happen, Eddie.

You just have to be

ready for it when it does,

and then it'll be easy.

It'll all make perfect sense.

I'll tell you what.

What's that?

You're a man now.

Manhood isn't all wanting

a woman and not gettin' her.

It's having a woman and knowing

you don't feel the madness.

Yeah.

Ain't no shame in it.

More shame in living

and no love.

You're right.

Thanks.

Oh, man! Seventh

period, sex ed, Mr. Cole.

What's this h*nky m*therf*cker

gonna teach me about sex?

Whoa, hold up. You got

Mr. Cole for sex ed?

Son, Mr. Cole

is for real.

He's the realest

m*therf*cker that is.

# Long,

tall, lean lanky daddy #

# You look good to me #

# Hip-hop wheels

Then you vanish #

# Show me what you do to me #

# Fast-walkin',

sweet-talking daddy #

# You're really outta sight #

# Cool down smooth

with me, daddy #

# You make me feel all right #

# Agent Double-O Soul, baby #

# You're a real cool lover #

# Dr. Feelgood #

# Long, tall, lean

lanky daddy #

# He's my real swinging' daddy #

# Fast-walking',

sweet-talkin' daddy #

# Cool down smooth

with me, daddy #

# D-A-D-D-Y, daddy #

# Agent double-O soul, baby #

# You're a real cool lover #

# To a long, tall, lean

lanky daddy ##

Hi. I'm the new student teacher

from the American Teaching Corps.

Hi. Welcome.

It's kind of funny

because I'm actually Canadian.

Canadian?

So you came here to learn how to

teach health and human development.

Yes. I think sex ed

is really important.

Well, you came

to the right f*ck' place.

# Uhh! #

# Yeah #

# I'm talkin' to you, girl #

# Yeah #

# Only you #

# All right, now #

# Listen to me #

# If you want our love to last #

# Girl, forget about the past #

# What ya gonna do? #

# Uhh! #

# What ya gonna do? #

# Put your hang-ups down #

# If you want to be around #

We have kids coming

to this class...

and you think you're gonna have to

explain them anatomical or sexual things,

but they're more advanced

than I am with certain things.

'Cause of what?

The Internet.

Just with obscure

sexual positions.

I mean, I'd love to know

what the kids know.

I think it's against the law

to repeat something...

that a minor

tells you sexually,

but now that I've done my Internet

research to shore up my knowledge,

I feel like... I feel

like I've aged 10 years.

When I was a young man,

you would just hint to a girl

like, "Oh, I got a big d*ck. "

You'd imply it?

Yeah. But that's it.

Pants were tighter back then. You could

probably... Yeah, that's what guys did.

Or they would stuff, like, a shoe

in there or tin foil. Definitely.

Or a narrow shoe.

A narrow shoe?

Otherwise it looks like

you have a deformed thing.

You don't want

to scare 'em off.

Like a goiter or something.

There is a disorder.

It's... Oh, sh**t.

I should know this

for my job.

But where one of the

components in the testicles...

swells to such a size that

you have to have it removed.

One of the components?

Like the vas deferens?

It might be the vas...

Or the Cowper's gland.

That's the one I always

pretend like I know, but...

I know that one. It's like the

prostate and the Cowper's adds...

I would look,

but my Google's down.

We gotta get

new textbooks.

The books that I have

are from 1983. I know.

They're still

calling A*DS GRID.

There's also...

It's embarrassing.

Okay. They're still saying

masturbation is wrong.

Even monkeys masturbate.

They do. Bonobos.

Yeah?

The apes.

Yeah? They use sex as... Like trade.

They'll trade sexual favors

within their bonombo colonies.

Yeah. They'll prost*tute out people

to create peace between tribes.

They will.

Yeah.

Look at... I wouldn't

teach that in junior high.

That seems like a

higher-concept idea. No.

I'd like

more primatology too.

It's almost like grooming.

Like when they give cunnilingus

to another ape. Grooming?

Oh! Huh.

Yeah.

That's fascinating.

Yeah.

Speaking of grooming...

Mm-hmm?

You ever get crabs? I have

not. This... Interesting fact.

The crab is... or the pubic

louse... is endangered.

Good! Because of modern grooming habits.

Very few people have that...

In the videos that I found

of sex education...

with, like,

serious hair down there,

that's not really

the tendency these days.

Yeah. So the louse is going extinct.

That's good.

Like smallpox...

Have you gotten...

I never got 'em. No.

Good. I mean, I never looked,

but I'm assuming you'd know.

I would probably

feel something.