03x05 - Write 'Em Cowboy

[bunniefuu]

- Aw, look at my little cubs
of anarchy.

Are you excited
about your new bike?

- Yes.

- Here you go, buddy.

- What the [bleep] is that?

I asked for a motorcycle.

- Malloy, we both know
you're not big enough.

Besides, this is just as cool.

- I'm a big boy.
I'm a big boy.

- I am not
getting on that thing.

- Not without your safety gear.

- I look ridiculous.
Everybody's gonna laugh at me.

- Malloy, no one's gonna
laugh at you.

[laughter]

- That's it.

I'm gonna go
set up the k*ll room.

- Don't forget
your outside helmet.

Daddy's gotta protect
his little therapy pet.

[all gasp]

- You're alive?
- Yes. Why?

- Oh, when you were two hours
late, we assumed you were dead.

- We even wrote your obituary.

- "steve williams.

Lived, died, fat."

That's it?

Why didn't you list
any of my accomplishments?

- Uh, we said fat.

- How about the fact that
I've been ranger of the month

For years?

- Steve, it's about time
we told you.

That award is meaningless.

Your medal is
a snapple cap we painted gold.

- Oh, my god.

I haven't done anything
with my life.

When I'm dead,
no one will remember me.

- Nobody gives a sh*t, steve.
I'm out of here.

- Don't forget
your bubble armor.

- I can't breathe!

- [chuckles]
have fun, little buddy.

Stay in the driveway.

[crash]

- ♪ brickleberry ♪

- Woody, I'm too big
for your stupid bedtime stories.

- "once there was a man
with a big, yellow mustache,

"and he had
a curious little cubsy wubsy

"who kept the man's brain demons
at bay.

"without his cuddles,
the man would have to accept

"that during the w*r,

"he made a functioning piano
out of iraqi teeth and dicks.

The end."

- At least it wasn't
the berenstain bears.

I hate those jews.

- P.S. Daddy will not be here
to tuck you in tomorrow

'cause he's going
to a strip club.

- The strip club?
I wanna go.

- Whoa, slow down.

You're too small.

- You say that about everything.

- Aw, is my cubsy afraid
to be home alone?

Don't worry.

Daddy has a babysitter
all lined up for you.

- That always works out well.

That's what I'd do
for a klondike bar.

- Hey, steve.

Hey, what the hell
are you doing?

- I realized I have
to make my mark in the world.

If ray j got famous for
making a sex tape with a horse,

Then so can I.

- Steve, that wasn't a horse.

That was kim kardashian.

- Ew!

I'll figure out some other way
to make my mark.

Hello, guinness?

I just broke a record.

I stuck 39 rolls of dimes
up my a*s.

What?

Shia labeouf did 40?

[dimes hit the floor]
damn it!

- What's the big deal?

It's called a fetish!

[crash]

- Eh, d-d-d-d.

Where do you think you're going,
little bear?

- Well, man with the accent
I can't place,

I am here to see the t*tties.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You must be at least
as tall as her c-section scar,

Or else you [bleep] off.

But you are welcome to play

At jorge's single mom
stripper daycare.

- Hey, look,
it's a wish machine.

All right, mr. No fly list.

Here goes.

[machine dings]

[mechanical breathing]

I wish I was big.

[mechanical breathing]

Damn.

See, this is why
I don't trust brown people.

[eerie music]

- [humming and strumming]

- I didn't know
you played guitar.

- It's what I do when I'm sad.

- Hmm.
You're really good.

Have you written any songs?
- A few.

I'd love to perform them,
but I'd be too embarrassed.

- Too embarrassed?

Didn't you shove
$195 worth of dimes up your a*s?

- Every time I fart,
it's like I hit triple 7s.

- Maybe your songs
could put you on the map.

I got some contacts.
I could get you a gig.

- Okay, but first
I gotta drop a deuce.

We gotta find a coinstar.

- Morning, malloy.

- Good morning.

- What the [bleep]?

What happened to you, malloy?

- Magic is real!

- All right, steve.

I pulled a lot of strings
to help get you this gig.

Hey, baby.

It's my girlfriend's
grandson's party,

So don't screw it up.

- Don't worry.
The kids will love it.

I'm doing a song I wrote about
guys who work on a mountain.

- All right.
Now go get 'em.

- [clears throat]

♪ mountain men
I love mountain men ♪

♪ mountin' harry, mountin' tom,
and mountin' ben ♪

♪ sharing a tent
with my favorite dudes ♪

♪ I want to be
mountin' men like you ♪

♪ they're sweaty, hairy,
and hard as a rock ♪

- Steve, what the hell?

You better
play something else quick!

Something for the kids.

- Ooh, I've got
a cute rooster song.

- Do it! Do it!

- ♪ I'm in the barn,
I'm playing with my c*ck ♪

♪ all the boys line up
to pet my c*ck ♪

♪ he's thick, he's red,
he's got a big old head ♪

♪ why don't I just
show you instead? ♪

♪ raise your hand
if you want to see my c*ck ♪

- k*ll him!
- Let's get him!

- Run, steve, run!

- What'd I say?
What'd I say?

What'd I say?

They hate me.

Why did they hate me?

- Steve, didn't you think
there was something...

q*eer about those songs?

- I just write
wholesome country songs.

See?

- Farmhand jobs.

Come in my back door, bubba.

Riding the bologna pony?

- What'd I tell you?

- Hmm.
You know what?

I think you just need
a change of venue.

- ♪ you say love ♪

♪ is easy ♪

♪ ♪

♪ but love
is painful ♪

♪ but love
can make you cry ♪

♪ but love
can leave you bloody ♪

♪ it's not easy ♪

♪ but love
fills you up inside ♪

[crowd cheers and whistles]

- [strums]

Maybe america is ready

For my innocent,
wholesome country songs.

And not dirty songs
that are all about sex

Like your people's music.

- And with me as your manager,
you're gonna be big.

- Everybody loved me last night.

I got so many high fives
and a*s slaps.

Those guys over at hogg riders

Sure know
how to have a good time.

- They sure do, buddy.

Now you better be
moseying on out of here.

You gotta practice up
for your next gig.

- Denzel booked me at
this place called a bathhouse.

- That's actually a--

- A place where men
can wash each other's dicks

In a heterosexual manner.

- Why aren't you
telling steve the truth?

- Steve thinks his songs
are all pure and innocent.

If he knew they were
about hard-core g*y sex,

He wouldn't play them.

- And you wouldn't be wearing
a new panda skin jacket.

- Aw, don't be a hater.
It's faux.

Fo-sho real panda skin.

Ha ha!

- Listen up, rangers.

There is a problem with malloy.

[motorcycle revs]

- 'sup, squirts?

- Huh.
- Cool.

- Hey, I guess magic is real.

- Malloy, what are you doing
with that death machine?

- Shut up, woody.
She's been tested.

- You can't ride
without a helmet.

Do you wanna get
a [bleep] up gary busey brain?

- Don't be ridiculous.

These things aren't dangerous.

[motorcycle revs]

- Oh, no.
I'll give her mouth-to-mouth.

- That's not her mouth.

- It's okay.

She's dead.

- You okay, woody?

- I'd be better if a giant bear
didn't maul me in my sleep.

- It stopped your snoring.

- Oh, malloy,
you destroyed the bathroom!

Where's the toilet?

- Check under that big pile
of bear sh*t.

- God damn it, malloy,
you've wrecked the place!

Is that abortia-geddon?

- No, it's abortia-geddon two.

- I told you
that game was verboten!

I even used german
to make it scarier.

- I'm big.
I can buy any game I want.

- No more fetus games,

No more midnight maulings,

And that motorcycle
has got to go!

My house, my rules.

- Then I'll just move
out of your house.

- Ha!

You won't make it for a second
in the real world.

You'll be crawling back,
begging me to take you in.

- I'll never come back here.

I'm done with you
and your bullshit rules.

- Little bear,
you have no idea

How miserable
you're gonna be out there.

- Whoo!
You girls are so hot!

- Okay, closing time!

Here's your bill, bear.

That will be $700.

- Oh.
I am out of money.

- Get outta here!

And go get a job, you deadbeat!

- I don't need a job
or this place.

This is amazing!

- How's everybody doing?

[crowd cheers]

This song's
about my friend pedro...

- [unplugs mic]

- Who rode my donkey
all the way to mexico

Without a saddle.
- [plugs mic in]

- ♪ pedro's going bareback
on my a*s ♪

♪ pedro's going bareback
on my a*s ♪

♪ I said skin on skin
may give you an infection ♪

♪ but he slapped my a*s ♪

♪ said he don't use
no protection ♪

♪ pedro's riding my a*s raw ♪

♪ pedro's riding my a*s raw ♪

♪ he's a real man
without a doubt ♪

♪ but when pedro's done
my a*s will be worn out ♪

Hyah!

[crowd cheers]

- Thank you, everyone!

- Hey, get off me!

- Hello, denzel.

- Who the hell are you?

- I'm the head of the g*y mafia.

We control hollywood
and all of entertainment.

- You do exist.

Fox news was right.

- Yeah!
They're right about everything.

We wanna help you.

You've taken steve williams
as far as he can go.

It's time for the g*y mafia
to take him to the next level.

Stadiums, record deals, youtube.

- Holy sh*t!
Youtube?

You can really do that?

- Yeah!

Denzel, you seem like a man
who likes money.

If you sign a contract with us
right now,

We'll give you
a cash signing bonus.

- I am a man who likes money.

And do we have to tell steve
about the signing bonus?

- That is up to steve's manager.

- That's me!
So the answer is...

Aw, hell no!

- This is a huge arena.

How did you pull this off?

- I, uh,
have a few new connections.

- Thanks, man.

You're really helping me
make my mark on the world.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now put this on
and get out there.

[cheers and applause]

- This song is
all about a guy...

- [unplugs mic]

- Who couldn't make it home
for christmas

Because the transmission
went out on his pickup truck.

- [plugs mic in]
- what'd he say?

- Mm-mm-mm.

- ♪ honey, tell the kids ♪

♪ I won't be home today ♪

♪ got something to tell you ♪

♪ that's really hard to say ♪

♪ I blew a tr*nny last night ♪

♪ I blew a tr*nny
last night ♪

♪ this might hurt you,
but there's nothing I can do ♪

♪ 'cause I blew a tr*nny
last night ♪

♪ I blew a tr*nny last night ♪

♪ I blew a tr*nny
last night ♪

♪ this might hurt you,
but there's nothing I can do ♪

♪ 'cause I blew a tr*nny ♪

♪ last night ♪

All: Steve! Steve! Steve!
Steve! Steve! Steve!

- And I'm not
supposed to say it,

But george clooney had sex
right where you're standing.

- Wow.
I need this place.

- Great.
It's a steal at 8,000 a month.

- What can I get for 4 bucks

And a rough hand job
with, uh, bear paws?

- Nice, huh?

Bedroom, bathroom, kitchen,

All in one room.

Plus...

Central air!

- Uh, is he dead?

- Don't worry,
not m*rder.

Poisonous spiders.

You take it?

- Guess I have no choice.
- Great.

And tell your roommate
to stop giving me the stink eye.

[spider hisses]

- [whistling]

- Wow, woody.
You're in a good mood.

- Why wouldn't I be?

- 'cause we thought
you'd be skunk sh*t crazy

Now that malloy's gone.

- What are you talking about?

Malloy's not gone.

He's right here.

- Jesus!
- Aah!

Incoming!

Eat the women and children
first!

Aah!

- Uh-oh.

- [imitating g*nf*re]

- We need to get malloy back...
- [screaming]

- To calm woody down
before he gets worse.

- What the hell is
charlie doing in iraq?

[camera clicks]
- ha ha!

We like brickleberry park!

- Why am I riding a guy again?

- Look, it's all cgi.

They're gonna turn that guy
into a horse later.

That's how they did it
in lord of the rings.

Hey, don't you think
this is kinda graphic?

- We've got a lot riding
on steve's success,

So let me make this clear:

Go tell steve that
we want it to be more graphic,

Or you'll wind up in a ditch
with your d*ck in your mouth.

- More graphic it is.

Hey, steve,
smack your horse

On the a*s a few times.

- Whatever you say, denzel.

- Now pretend your shaking
a thick ketchup bottle

On your face.

- Like this?
- No, it's stuck.

You gotta shake it harder!

Oh, the cap is still on.

Try to take it off
with your butt.

- This is gonna be a cool video.

- Congratulations, denzel.

We've booked
a huge concert for steve

At brickleberry amphitheater.

- Ooh, that's great.

Now I'll be able
to pay off this.

- We'll need steve to debut
a hot new single

At the concert.
- Done.

- We're also going to need him
to promote the concert on ellen.

- Oh, no.
Steve can't do tv.

He doesn't even know his songs--

Oh!
I mean all right!

- Which has less calories?

The chicken-zilla
or the beef st. Helens?

- Like it matters.

Why don't you just get
a yummy meal?

It comes with a mirror,
so you can find your cooch.

- Ah.
Marroy!

You mean to customers.

You fired!

- I need this job, man.
I have bills to pay.

- Oh, wah.

You fired!

- By the way,
I jerked off in the silly sauce.

Enjoy.

[upbeat music]

- Please welcome

Country music icon
steve williams.

[applause]

♪ ♪

- Steve, you're a brave man.

- Thank you, sir.
So are you, alan.

- Uh, we are just so honored

To have the first g*y country
music artist on our show today.

- Oh!
Kenny chesney's here?

[laughter]

- You are such a hoot.

We have a little clip
of your latest music video.

I hope
I can awkwardly dance to it.

- No, sh*t.
Not the video.

- Uh, you wanna tell us
anything about it?

- I open an invisible bottle
of ketchup with my butt.

- Amazing.
Let's roll the video.

[country music]

- Oh, my god.

What am I doing?

That's not ketchup!

W-why would they squirt that
on me?

Close your mouth, steve!

No!

Aah!

Why?

[upbeat music]
- why?

- Hey!
What are you doing?

- Kicking you out!

You're late on your rent!

- Seriously?

Seriously?

Seriously?
- Ahh.

- Seriously?
- Uh, yes, sir.

- I wish you were here
to tell me a bedtime story.

- Once upon a time,

I stabbed my mother[bleep] pimp
to death

With a broke-off buick antenna!

Good night, baby.

- Look, steve,
I just wanna--

- No, I don't wanna hear
more of your lies.

You made me a fraud.

Nothing against g*y sex,

I mean, it's on my bucket list,

But these songs were innocent,
and you betrayed me.

- I'm sorry, steve.

I just wanted to help you
leave your mark.

I promise
I'll never lie to you again.

- It's too late.

I quit!
- You can't quit!

- Oh, yeah?

They said
I couldn't spell either,

But watch me l-e-v-e.

- You're not going anywhere.

- Who are
these effeminate th*gs?

- Oh, uh, I may have signed
your life away to the g*y mafia

Without telling you.

That's an omission of fact.

Not a lie.
Big difference.

- That little freak-out
on ellen

Better not mean trouble
for your concert,

Because if you don't show up
with a new single, you are both

♪ dead ♪

- If I'm gonna get
a death threat,

I do prefer show tune-style.

- Oh.
We've searched for hours.

Where could he be?

[metal banging]

- Stupid machine.
I hate you.

- Malloy!

- Oh,
I never thought I'd say this,

But I'm really happy
to see you guys.

I hate being big.

- I know exactly what you mean.

- I said "big,"
not "kathy bates."

- Woody needs you.

He's gone crazy
without you around.

- There's nothing I can do.

This machine only grants
one wish per customer.

- I can make a wish.

[harp music]

Oops, sorry.

That's the first thing
that popped into my head.

- Connie, this isn't about you.

[harp music]

- Oh, it didn't work.

- Yes, it did.

Guess who's hpv-free.

- Give it a week.

- We need to get woody.

He's the only one
who would use his wish

To make malloy small again.

[harp music]

- Oh, ray-ray, you alive!

Oh, I'm so happy.

I get to k*ll you again,
mother[bleep]!

- Oh!
Ooh! Ooh!

- Woody!

Oh, he could be anywhere.

[suspenseful music]

- Say hello to my little friend.

- I'll say.

- Hey, the water's cold,
all right?

We all know I'm packing 12
when I'm hanging right.

Now prepare to die!

[imitating g*nshots]

[grunts]

You'll never take me alive!

- Um...

Bang?

- [screams]

- Come on, man,
you got another song in you.

- Okay.
Okay, I can do this.

♪ I wanna put my butt ♪

♪ in your butt ♪

- We're [bleep].

The only honorable thing
to do now

Is to change our names
and start a new life.

- Good thing I keep
a couple of emergency disguises

Just in case.

- Steve, what in the hell
are we supposed to be?

- Duh.
The lone ranger and tauntaun.

We'll blend right in.

- Steve?
Steve williams?

- Uh, no.

I'm a tauntaun.

[babbles]

- My entire life,
I've been bullied for being g*y.

I was about to end it all
before I heard your music.

You're my hero.

- You're telling me
your life was saved

By the song butt love?

- Be quiet, chemotherapy.

This kid just gave me
an idea for a song.

What's your name, son?

- Billy black.

[cheers and applause]

- My biggest fan inspired me
to write a touching new song.

Come up onstage here, billy.

[cheers and applause]

Billy, I promise
it gets better,

Even though sometimes
people can be cruel.

This goes out to you,
billy black.

[soft country music]

♪ ♪

♪ I'm so sorry, billy ♪

♪ black, people suck ♪

♪ it's not your fault, billy ♪

♪ black, people stink ♪

♪ don't worry, billy ♪

♪ black, people are animals ♪

♪ I'd like to tie them
to my pickup truck ♪

♪ and drag 'em down the road ♪

[crowd boos]
- g*y riot!

- Get him!

- That's it.
You guys are finished.

[crowd yells and boos]

- [screams]

- Oh, man.

Why couldn't that kid
have been named billy mexican?

- I'll give you
anything you want.

Just don't k*ll me!

Ow!

Cubsy wubsy.

Is that you?

- Woody!

Woody, I was wrong.

Being big sucks.

Please wish me smaller.

- Anything for you,
little buddy.

[harp music]

- I love magic.

[harp music]
ah, sh*t, what's happening?

- Aww!

My cubsy wubsy is even cuter
wuter when he's tiny whiney.

- g*dd*mn irony.
Magic sucks.

- That was a disaster.

Why did they hate my song
so much?

- Don't sweat it, steve.

You just need a change of venue.

- ♪ I'd like to tie 'em
to my pickup truck ♪

♪ and drag 'em down the road ♪

[crowd cheers]

- Denzel was right.

These angry cancer patients
love my billy black song.

All: Heil, steve!

- Hi back to you!

- Aah!