01x03 - Our Mrs. Reynolds

[bunniefuu]

- Hyah!
- Whoa!

Pardon me for intruding...

but I believe y'all are
carrying something of mine.

Ain't yours.

Did you think we wouldn't find out
you changed your route?

You gonna give us what's due us
and every damn thing else on that boat.

And I think maybe you gonna give me a little
one-on-one time with the missus.

Oh, I think you might want to
reconsider that last part.

See, I married me
a powerful ugly creature.

How can you say that? How can you
shame me in front of new people?

If I could make you prettier,
I would.

You are not the man
I met a year ago.

Now, think real hard.

You been bird-doggin'
this township a while now.

They wouldn't mind
a corpse of you.

You can luxuriate
in a nice jail cell...

but if your hand touches metal,
I swear by my pretty floral bonnet...

I will end you.

Take him.

- Yoo-hoo.
- In the morning, we'll head for Beaumond.

Give you a chance to find
some work of your own.

I appreciate it.
This is lovely, but--

Not your clientele?
I understand.

- You gotta play at being a lady.
- Well, yes.

So, explain to me again
why Zoe wasn't in the dress.

Tactics, woman.
Needed her in the back.

Besides, those soft cotton dresses feel
kinda nice. There's a whole airflow.

You'd know that because--

You can't open the book of my life
and jump in the middle.

Like woman, I'm a mystery.

Oh, best keep it that way.
I withdraw the question.

It makes the rain come
when you turn it.

The rain's very scarce.

It comes only when needed most.

And such it is... with men like you.

This is the most--

You-- friend.

You're the guy!

Elder Gommen, thank you
for the hospitality.

We owe you a great debt.

I'm sorry we have
so little to pay it with...

though I hope our gifts
will show our regard.

I don't think Jayne's ever
lettin' go of that stick.

Alliance patrol boat
heading into atmo right now.

Well, we gotta fly.

We'll pray for a safe voyage...

and hope to lay eyes on you again
ere too long, my friend.

- Count on it. Bye, now.
- Bless you.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye!

- Good-bye! Be well!
- Bye, now.

Yaah!

- Who the hell are you?
- What do you mean?

I think I was pretty clear.
What are you doing on my boat?

You know I'm to cleave to you.

To "wubba" who?

Did Elder Gommen not tell you?

Tell me what?
Wh-- Who are you?

Mr. Reynolds, sir...

I'm your wife.

~ Take my love, take my land ~

~ Take me where I cannot stand ~

~ I don't care, I'm still free ~

~ You can't take the sky from me ~

~ Take me out to the black ~

~ Tell them I ain't comin'back ~

~ Burn the land and boil the sea ~

~ You can't take the sky from me ~

~ There's no place I can be ~

~ Since I've found serenity ~

~ But you can't take the sky from me ~

Could you repeat that, please?

I am your wife.

That was your agreement
with Elder Gommen...

since he hadn't cash or livestock--

I-I'm sorry.

Go back to the part
where you're my wife.

I don't please you?

You can't please me. You never met me.
Zoe, why do I have a wife?

You got a wife? All I got was that
dumb-a*s stick sounds like it's rainin'.

- How come you got a wife?
- I didn't.

- We're not married.
- I'm sorry that I shame you.

You don't shame me.
Zoe, would you get Wash?

This is Zoe.

- We need all personnel in the cargo bay.
- "All"? I said Wash.

everyone should have a chance to
congratulate you on your day of bliss.

- There's-- There's no bliss. I don't know this girl.
- Then can I know her?

Jayne! Don't sully this.

You are gonna be cleaning latrines with
your face if you don't cut that out.

Who's the new recruit?

Everybody, I want you all to meet...

Mrs. Reynolds.

You got married?

Wow, that's, uh--
Congratulations.

We'd always hoped you two kids
would get together. Who is she?

She's no one.

- Captain!
- Would you stop that?

- I'm sorry.
- You brute.

Oh, sweetie, don't feel bad.

He makes everybody cry.
He's like a monster.

I'm not a monster!
Wash, turn the ship around.

- Can't.
- It's an order.

- We can't.
- Have you got an encyclopedia?

There's already a bulletin on the cortex
as to the m*rder of a prefect's nephew.

That's right.
One of our bandits has family ties.

So unless you feel like walking into a gallows,
I suggest we continue on to Beaumond...

and you,
enjoy your honeymoon.

This isn't happening.
Would you stop crying!

For God's sake, Mal, could you be
a human being for 30 seconds?

- As one married man to another--
- I'm not married!

I'm sorry.

You-- You have very nice qualities,
but I didn't ever marry you.

I believe you did...

last night.

- How drunk was I last night?
- I don't know. I passed out.

It says here...

"The woman lays the wreath
upon her intended--" which I do recall.

- "Which represents his sovereignty.
- That was you?

'And he drinks of her wine.

And then there's a dance
with a joining of hands."

The marriage ceremony
of the Triumph settlers.

You, sir... are a newlywed.

What's it say in there
about divorce?

I really think you're
the one to talk to her, sir.

The way I see it, me and her
got one thing in common.

We're the only ones
who don't think this is funny.

Hello!

Woman... person.

You all right?

I thought last night during the ceremony
that you were pleased.

Well, yeah, last night I was.

Had some mulled wine, pretty girl
gave me a hat made out of a tree.

Nobody said I was signing up
to have and to hold.

Are you gonna k*ll me?

What? What kind of
crappy planet is that? k*ll you.

In the maiden's home, I heard talk of men
who weren't pleased with their brides--

Well, I ain't them. And don't you
ever stand for that sort of thing.

Someone ever tries to k*ll you,
you try to k*ll them right back.

Look, wife or no...

you are no one's property
to be tossed aside.

You got the right,
same as anyone...

to live
and try to k*ll people.

I mean, you know,
people that are--

That-- That's a dumb planet.

What will you do with me?

I'm not really sure.

We're bound for Beaumond.
It's a decent kind of planet.

Might be able to set you up
with some sort of work there.

I'll not be anyone's doxy.

I don't mean whoring.
They got factories and the like.

Some ranches,
if you're more for the outdoors.

Near a week before we get there.
I'll figure something.

I'd be a good wife.

Yeah, well,
I'd be a terrible husband.

You have five whole days
to figure that out.

For five days we'll be together?

Well, we'll be together
on the ship, but not in any--

That'll be fine. I'll do for you...
or not, as you choose.

Well, shiny.

Hungry?
Kitchen's just through there.

I'll cook you something.

Well, no. I meant for you.

I'm a fine cook. Everyone says.

That's-- It's great.
Look, hold it. Hold.

- I ain't never even--
- My name is Saffron.

Divorce is very rare and requires
dispensation from her pastor.

I can send him a wave,
see what I can do.

I appreciate that.
She's a nice girl.

- Seems very anxious to please you.
- It's their way, I guess.

I suppose so.

If you take
sexual advantage of her...

you're going to burn
in a very special level of hell...

a level they reserve
for child molesters...

and people who talk
at the theater.

Wh-- I am not--

Preacher,
you got a smutty mind.

- Perhaps I spoke out of turn.
- Per-maybe-haps, I'm thinkin'.

I apologize. I'll make her up a room
in the passenger dorm.

Good.

The special hell.

Thank you.

Looks--

Something smells good.

Having yourself
a little supper, Captain?

Saffron insisted on it. You know,
I didn't want to make her feel--

This is damn tasty.

Is there any more
where that came from?

I didn't think to make enough
for your friends...

but everything's laid out if you'd
like to cook for your husband.

Yeah. Isn't she quaint?

I'm just not hungry.

So... are you enjoying your own
nubile little sl*ve girl?

She wanted to make me dinner.
At least she's not crying.

I might.
Did she really make fresh bao?

Quaint!

- Remember that sex we were planning to have ever again?
- You're all making a big deal.

I would appreciate it if one person
on this boat would not assume...

that I'm an evil, lecherous hump.

Nobody's saying that, sir.

We're pretty much just giving
each other significant glances...

and laughing incessantly.

- Is that cider?
- By the stove.

Yum.
I'll get you a refill. Honey?

That's for me to do.

You know, uh, you weren't lyin'
about your cookin'.

If I hadn't already eaten--

- You don't want to finish?
- No, I just, um--

I have captainy things to do,
but truthfully, that's a fine meal.

- Thank you.
- Do you need anything else?

No. No.

Um, you just have something
to eat yourself, and, uh...

and I'm gonna go... captain.

If you're done with supper...

If you're done with supper...

would you like me
to wash your feet?

Beaumond.

City of New Dunsmuir.

October 2 4.

- Departure--
- Can I come in?

- No.
- See? That's why I usually don't ask.

What do you want?

Oh, I just needed to... hide.

- So I take it the honeymoon is over?
- Oh, she's a fine girl.

Don't misread me.
A hell of a cook too.

I'm sure she has
many exciting talents.

Do you ever...

wash your clients' feet?

It's my specialty.

- We'll be on Beaumond at least two weeks, right?
- Can't exactly be sure.

I need you to be exactly sure. I can't make
commitments and then not keep them.

That's your specialty.

Sorry. Are you touchy because I got myself
a bride or 'cause I don't plan to keep her?

I find the whole thing degrading.

That's just what Saffron said
about your line of work.

Maybe you should think twice about letting go
of Saffron. You two sound like a match.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe we're soul mates.

Yes. Great. I wish you
hundreds of fat children.

Could you imagine that? Me with
a whole passel of critters underfoot.

- Hell, in ten years' time--
- Can you leave me alone for five minutes, please?

I wasn't lookin' for a fight.

Always do seem
to find one, though.

Do I have your attention?

Kind of going to extremes here,
ain't we?

There's times I think you don't take me
seriously. I think that oughta change.

Do you think it's likely to?

You got something
you don't deserve.

And it's brought me a galaxy of fun,
I'm here to tell ya.

Six men came to k*ll me one time...

and the best of them carried this.

It's a Callahan full-bore auto lock.

Customized trigger.
Double cartridge thorough gauge.

It is my very favorite g*n.

Are you offering me a trade?

A trade? Hell, it's theft.

This is the best damn g*n made by man.
It has extreme sentimental value.

- It's miles more worthy than what you got.
- What I got?

- She has a name.
- So does this.

I call it Vera.

My days of not taking you seriously
are certainly comin' to a middle.

- Damn it, Mal. I'd treat her okay.
- She's not to be bought.

Nor bartered, or borrowed, or lent.

She's a human woman, doesn't know a thing
about the world and needs our protection.

- Well, I'll protect her.
- Jayne.

Go play with your rain stick.

You do sneak about, don't you?

You're a good man.

You clearly haven't been talkin'
to anyone else on this boat.

I don't wish to be wed
to the large one.

I'd rather--
If I'm not to be yours...

I'd rather have the work
you spoke of.

I could be useful in a ranch.

It's good work.

My mama had a ranch back on Shadow,
where I'm from.

Ran cattle, mostly.

Wasn't nobody ran 'em
harder or smarter.

She used to tell me, "Don't brand
the cattle. Brand the buyer.

He's the one likely to stray."

- She raised you herself?
- Well, her and about 40 hands.

I had more family for a kid--

- That is odd.
- What?

I just don't--

I'm not one who talks about what's past,
and here you got me--

Does your crew
never show interest in your life?

No. They... are--

They just know me
well enough to--

Well, what about you?
What's your history?

Not much to say.

Life like yours,
I figure you'd find mine terrible dull.

Oh, I long for a little dullness.

Truth to say...

this whole trip's gettin' to be
just a little too interesting.

It's a wreck.

- No, this is good.
- It's parts.

A lot of cheap parts
we'll never unload.

This is why you'll never
be in charge, Bree.

- You don't see the whole. The parts are crap.
- I said exactly that.

But you put it together,
you got a Firefly.

Thing'll run forever,
they got a mechanic even half awake.

It's got no flash.

Some people ain't lookin' for flash.

She's a good catch.

She comes our way,
you prep the nets.

Clearly, she's out of her mind.

Really? She's led a sheltered life.

Did you see the way
she grabbed that glass from you?

Every planet has
its own weird customs.

About a year before we met,
I spent six weeks on a moon...

where the principle form
of recreation was juggling geese.

My hand to God. Baby geese.
Goslings. They were juggled.

Of course.
The man rushes in to defend her.

I'm talking about geese.

Captain shouldn't be baby-sitting
a damn groupie, and he knows it.

Okay, when did this
become not funny?

When you didn't put her a*s
back down on Triumph.

Oh, hey!
Now it's even my fault?

Is there anything else on your mind
I should know about?

- There's all sorts of twists and cul-de-sacs. It's wild.
- She's trouble.

I'm getting that.

I'm going to bed.

Hey!

Well,you're, uh...

uh, well... there you are.

I've made the bed warm for you.

It-- It looks, uh... warm.

And I've made myself
ready for you.

Let's ride right past the part where you
explain exactly what that means.

Didn't you see you got a room
of your own?

And I'm to sleep there?

That's the notion...

assuming you're--yeah-- sleepy.

But we've been wed.
Aren't we to become one flesh?

Well, no.
Uh, we're still two fleshes here...

and I think that your flesh
oughta sleep somewhere else.

I'm sorry.
When we talked, I'd hoped--

Whoa, hey. Flesh.

Um... Saffron...

i-it-- it ain't a question
of pleasing me.

It's more a question of what's--

um, of what's morally right.

I do know my Bible, sir.

"On the night of their betrothal...

"the wife shall open to the man
as the furrow to the plow...

"and he shall work in her...

"in and again...

"till she bring him to his full...

and rest him then
upon the sweat of her breast."

Oh. Good Bible.

I'm not skilled, sir,
nor a pleasure to look upon.

Saffron.

You're pleasing. You're, uh--

Hell, you're all kinds of pleasin'...

and, uh, it's-- it's been a while--
a long damn while--

since anybody but me
took ahold of my plow...

so don't think for a second
that I ain't interested.

But you and me,
we ain't married.

Just 'cause you got handed to me by some
who couldn't pay off his debts...

don't make you beholden to me.

- I keep trying to explain.
- Let me explain.

I lived my life in the maiden house...

waiting to be married off for trade.

I seen my sisteren paired off
with ugly men...

vicious or blubberous...

men with appetites...

too unseemly to speak on.

And I've cried for those girls.

But not half so hard as I cried
the night they gave me to you.

Why?

Is there blubber?

I cried for I'd not dreamed...

to have a man so sweet...

so kind and beautiful.

Had I the dare to choose,
I'd choose you...

from all the men on all the planets
the night sky could show me.

If I'm wed...

I am a woman...

and I'll take your leave to be bold.

I want this.

I swell to think of you in me.

And I see that you do too.

Oh, th-that's just, uh--

Leave me at the nearest port.
Never look upon me again.

I'll make my way with the strength
that you've taught me.

Only let me have my wedding night.

Oh, I'm gonna go to the special hell.

I've--

I really wish it was
that simple, girl, but--

Son of a--

Night, sweetie.

Well, if it isn't the master chef.

Not sleepy?

- Am I allowed to be up here?
- Well, sure. Why not?

It's not like anyone else
is taking up space.

I've never been off-world before.

- It's beautiful, isn't it?
- It's like a dream.

Planet I'm from, couldn't see one
of 'em, pollution so thick.

Sometimes I think
I entered flight school...

just to see what the hell
everyone was talking about.

What are you doing?

Now we're alone,
just us and the stars.

No ship, no bellowing engines...

no crew to bicker at each other.

Look.

Come look.

Do you know the myth
of Earth that was?

Not so much.

That when she was born,
she had no sky...

and was open, inviting.

And the stars
would rush into her...

- through the skin of her--
- Yeah.

making the oceans
boil with sensation.

And when she could endure
no more ecstasy...

she puffed up her cheeks
and blew out the sky.

Whoa. Good myth.

My whole life, I saw nothing...

but roofs and steeples
and the cellar door.

In a few days, I'll be back to that life
and gone from yours.

Make this night what it should be.

Please?

Show me the stars.

I wish I was
somebody else right now.

Somebody not married, not madly
in love with a beautiful woman...

who can k*ll me with her pinky.

- I've been too forward.
- No! Well, yes.

But I actually like that in a woman.

That's part of why Zoe and I are,
as previously mentioned, married.

I thought--

She didn't seem to respect you.

Not everybody gets me and Zoe
at first glance.

Did it get very hot in here?
I need airflow.

You love her very much.

Yeah.

I never did meet
anyone quite like Zoe.

The, uh, the first time
we met, she actually--

Are you lost?

I'm sorry. I thought the other
shuttle was yours.

It is. I was on the cortex and my screen
shorted. This one's out too.

- Looking for customers?
- What were you looking for?

I don't mean to be rude. A Companion's
life is so glamorous and strange.

I wish I had the skill
for such a trade.

You'd like to please
your new husband?

He'll have none of me.
For true, I'm somewhat relieved.

If I'm to learn of love...

I'd like it to be at the hands
of someone gentle.

Someone who could...
feel what I feel.

But Mal said you--
you don't approve of my work.

Sure, and he said that
to keep you from me.

I was too curious about you...

ever since I saw you.

Come to my shuttle.

You would--

you would lie with me?

I guess we've lied enough.

- You're good.
- You're amazing. Who are you?

Malcolm Reynolds's widow.

Baby? Wake up.

- He's bleeding.
- There's no one in there.

What's going on?

Mal! Mal, Mal, Mal, Mal, Mal!

Get the doctor.

Mal's hurt. He--

Oh.

Oh, you stupid son of a--

Is it Christmas?

Well, he's back.

What happened about me?

Your blushing bride was a plant.
She took both of you out.

- How did--
- Narcotic compound.

Probably spread over
a seal on her lips.

You get it on yours, and pow.

- Lips, huh?
- Well--

We used to get a lot of guys brought in
on the night shift at the E.R....

usually robbed, very groggy.

- They called it the good-night kiss.
- So you two were kissin'?

Well, isn't that... special.

- Wash, how did--
- Hey, I just got kicked in the head.

My man would never fall
for that .

- Most of my head wishes I had.
- You guys don't understand.

Seems pretty simple from here.
You were taking advantage ofher--

- I was the one being taken advantage of.
- My apologies.

You were victimized,
Wash was beaten...

and Inara found you here.

Yeah, then I fell.
My head got hurt, like Wash.

- I don't get any of this.
- I only fell, is all.

- What the hell's our status?
- We're shut down.

Jayne and Kaylee are trying
to get us on the bridge.

All we know is we're headed somewhere,
and it ain't Beaumond.

Oh, I'm fine.
I don't need to be examined.

I'm comfy.

She didn't just lock it. She fused it
to something. Both entrances.

- What was she after?
- Besides molesting innocent captains?

You want to stow it, Preacher?
We're in some peril here.

- If she can fly this thing, why just take the shuttle?
- Maybe she likes shuttles.

Some people juggle geese.

- She's a pro.
- This is a masterful job of muck up.

- See how she crossed the dry feeds?
- Yeah-huh.

So we even try to reroute,
it'll lock down.

- She went straight for the thermal cap.
- Yeah, yeah! We are so hung.

I'm glad you two are having
a good time under there.

Can we progress to
the making it right?

- That's not gonna happen for a long while, Captain.
- We don't have a long while.

We could be headed straight into a nice,
big, solid moon, for all we know...

so how's about we get to work?

Hey. It was your big make-out session
that got us into this, sir.

- I was poisoned.
- You were drugged.

That's why I never
kiss 'em on the mouth.

Well, what can you do?

Give us time, we can get the cortex
and navcon back on-line, at least see where we're headed.

- What about steering?
- What about stopping?

She humped us hard.
We're gonna have to do a lot--

Do it. Doesn't help me to see where
I'm goin' if I can't change course.

This girl really knows her ships.

That's not all she knows.
She's well-schooled.

You mean the sedative,
the good-night kiss?

I only hit my head,
but Mal went through that.

But no-- I mean, seduction,
body language, signals.

She's had training,
as in Companion...

as in academy.

Our little Saffron's
quite a wonder.

I'm beginning to think
she married beneath herself.

How do you know? About the training.

She tried to seduce me too.

Really?

Did she-- Did you--

You don't play a player.

It was sloppy of her to try it,
but I think she was in a rush.

But she had professional--

So in my case, I mean,
it was really--

You would have kissed her too.

- Wash didn't.
- But she was naked and all articulate.

Okay! Everybody not talking
about sex, in here.

Everybody else, elsewhere.

They're coming!

- How far out?
- Ten minutes or so. Right on target.

A-1 .

- Huh. That girl's a wonder.
- She gets it done.

I'll tell the boys.

Yes!

You got it?

We got life, we got screens.

It's a qualified yes, a partial.

- What about nav control?
- No.

So where are we headed?

The coordinates she entered, we're headed
for something, and it's not too far.

Did she signal anybody?

She did.
Same coordinates, no I.D.

Huh. Who's out there?

Let me see ifher signal wave can
translate to a visual. There might be--

Hey, uh--

Electromagnetic interference.

It's bouncing the signal
all over the place. Look at it.

It's like a circle.

It's a net.

I don't get it.
Where are we headed?

The end of the line.

It's a carrion house.

Scrap shop.

Takes ships, pulls them apart
or fixes them up.

- Doesn't sound that scary.
- That pattern you're looking at is a net.

We fall into that,
we're more than helpless.

It'll turn the ship into one big electrical
conduit, burn us all from the inside out.

Some of the newer ones
will just hold you...

and then the scrappers
will override the air locks...

pull the O2 or just gas you.

They're not looking
to deal with survivors.

One day you're gonna tell us all how
a preacher knows so much about crime.

- Kaylee?
- I'm trying, sir.

Keep on it.
We can't fall into that net.

We're gonna need a Plan "B."

Zoe, get our suits prepped now.

I figure we got one shot at this.

- Give me a visual as soon as we're close.
- It won't be long.

What do I do?

You go get Vera.

She needs oxygen around her to fire her,
and we don't have a case.

- We're gonna use a suit.
- Here, we got it.

What am I aimin' for, the window?

That might k*ll some folk,
but it won't short the net.

See these six points where it's
brightest? Those are the breakers.

Hit one of those,
should short it out.

What do you mean, "should"?

You see it?

Clear as day. See, Vera?

Dress yourself up,
you get taken out somewhere fun.

We got it.

It's not pretty...

but we can steer enough
to turn the hell around.

- Nice work, Kaylee.
- Not soon enough to help.

Hey, it's a lot easier to pull things
apart than it is to put 'em right.

You're still
the best mechanic floatin'.

- Captain, don't you know kissing girls makes you sleepy?
- Sometimes I can't help myself.

Now, let's go visiting.

Honey, I'm home.

Looks like you get
that wedding night after all.

It's the first time, darlin'.

- I think you should be gentle with me.
- You gonna k*ll me?

Can you conjure up a terribly
compelling reason for me not to?

I didn't k*ll you.

You handed me and my crew over to those
that would k*ll us. That buys you nothing.

I made you dinner.

Why the act? All the seduction games,
the dancing about folk.

There has to be
an easier way to steal.

You're assuming
the payoff is the point.

- I'm not assuming anything at this juncture.
- How'd you find me?

Only a few places that shuttle
would make it to from where you left.

Happy to find it intact.

You're quite a man,
Malcolm Reynolds.

I've been waiting a long time for
someone good enough to take me down.

Saffron...

you even think about
playing me again...

I will riddle you with holes.

Everybody plays each other.

That's all anybody ever does.
We play parts.

You got all kinds of learnin', and you
made me look the fool without tryin'...

and yet here I am
with a g*n to your head.

That's 'cause I got people with me,
people who trust each other...

who do for each other and ain't
always lookin' for the advantage.

Promise me you're
gonna k*ll me soon.

Oh, you already know I ain't gonna.

You know, you did pretty well.

Most men, they're on me
inside of ten minutes...

not tryin' to teach me
to be strong and the like.

I got one question for ya...

just one thing
I'd like to know straight up.

Ask me.

What's your real name?

You'd only have lied anyhow.

Come in.

Back on course.

Be on Beaumond a day or two late.
Hope it's all right.

It should be fine, thank you.

And does the vixen live?

Yeah, if you can call it that.

All's well, I suppose.

Yes.

You're a very graceful woman, Inara.

I--

Thank you.

So here's where I'm fuzzy.

You got by that girl,
came and found me...

and somehow you happened
to just trip and fall.

- What do you mean?
- Come on, Inara.

How's about we don't play?

You didn't just trip, did you?

No.

Well, isn't that something?

I knew you let her kiss you.

Grr! Arrgh!