Love Bites (1993)

[bunniefuu]

(SIREN WAILING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(DOOR OPENS)

I hope the lightning and the thunder

doesn't keep me awake tonight.

It won't be the lightning and the thunder that keeps you awake.

Dwight, it's 4:15 a.m.

I gotta get up for work in just a few hours.

Kendall, for the tenth time, marry me.

Pick one of the last nine answers I gave you.

(SIGHING) You're not gonna start

with that perfect man thing again, are you?

There is no perfect man. There is no perfect woman.

You're perfect for me, I'm perfect for you.

You've been divorced once, I've been divorced twice.

Oh, that certainly sounds perfect.

Why is there so much lightning tonight?

That one must have hit close by.

How much longer are you gonna wait for this nonexistent prince

to gallop into your life, huh? Huh?

How many years will you waste alone, unfulfilled,

without arms around you every night, childless?

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(GRUNTING)

sh*t!

Kendall, get with the program.

For the eleventh and maybe last time...

That one hit down on Houston Street.

Marry me.

Oh, yes! Yes?

Yes. Yes!

Yes!

Thank you. For what?

I'm gonna have my attorney fax you

a prenuptial agreement in the morning.

I have the keys, I'm gonna go find a parking space.

You are great!

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES) What did I say?

What did I say?

(EXHALES)

(SNORTING)

Hello, Dwight.

ZACHARY: Hello.

KENDALL: (LAUGHING) You found a parking space?

(SNIFFING)

(GROANS) What's that... What's that cologne you're wearing?

I hate it!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi, I can't come to the phone right now

so please leave a message when you hear the beep.

(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)

Hi, it's moi.

I am half-way across the Brooklyn Bridge

(SIGHING) and I can't find a parking space.

Brooklyn Bridge?

Sorry to disappoint you. I'll be faxing you.

(CHUCKLING) Kiss, kiss. Dwight?

(KISSING)

Dwight Putnam?

Oh, God, please say yes!

ZACHARY: Yes. No!

(YELLING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

If I've caused you distress, madam...

Oh.

Pardon my lack of etiquette.

It worked.

(GROANING)

Look into my eyes, madam.

Look into my foot.

Up. Up on your feet. On your feet.

Assume the position,

which I'm sure you do every day!

And don't move or I'll kick your crotch to kingdom come!

No, no, no, madam. Egad! You're scary!

(EXCLAIMING) Vulgar hussy!

You're clean.

Just a little dusty.

How did you get in here?

The usual way.

You've been in here before?

It seems like only yesterday.

What a glow.

(SNIFFING)

I don't smell any oil or gas.

What fuels it, madam?

Money.

No! What an advancement!

I'll wager every household has one now.

I should have invested in it.

I always marvel at the changes.

I can't say I marvel at the changes in here, though.

Where... Where's the wall?

And why have you blocked in the window?

Oh, my God.

What year is it?

Didn't they have calendars in Sing Sing?

Madam, please tell me what year it is?

'92. Which '92?

Would it 17? Would it 18?

It's 1992, isn't it?

Mmm-hmm.

I just wasted a whole century.

I'm bleeding.

You bit me!

I'm so sloppy sometimes. Let me suck it up.

What's your HIV?

My HI what?

Sex offenders are supposed to be tested.

I am not a sex offender.

Whatever that may mean.

Oh, really.

Then what were you doing on top of me,

picking nap off the blanket?

I have a problem.

I know your problem.

You hate women and you show that hatred by assaulting them.

No, no, no, I wouldn't touch women

if I could get it from animals.

Oh...

You are a very sick person.

I'm not sick!

I'm dead.

Oh, dead.

Well, I'm expecting company momentarily

and I'm sure you've got other assaults to commit.

Are all of today's women as aggressive as you?

Give or take a few ba*ls.

Are they equally as crude?

I'm crude?

Get lost, as*h*le.

I'm going out now.

Until next time, farewell, madam.

(CRASHING)

(ZACHARY GROANING)

I got lost.

Where'd you put the door, madam?

Right there.

A stupid place for it.

Please excuse my odd behavior, madam.

And I must say I... I appreciate

your not screaming for the constables.

Constables?

I'm not screaming for them

because I don't want a cop squad down here

asking me how far the perpetrator penetrated.

I... I must go out now.

I shall return to my coffin before dawn.

You'll need one if you ever show your face around here again.

(GROANING)

Don't go out, the sun's come up.

I've been more than patient with you.

I cannot expose myself to the rays of the sun, madam.

Go expose yourself somewhere else

and may the sun shrivel it.

I must get to my crypt.

I'll put you in a crypt.

(SCREAMS)

Don't go up there. Get out!

I've had it with you, I want you out of here.

Get out.

I think there's something you should know.

I'm not exactly a man.

Oh, it figures.

I am a vampire.

Then turn into a bat and fly the hell out of here.

I can't turn into a bat.

Dracula could.

Who?

Dracula!

If I should appear to be dead,

please don't panic because I am, sort of.

Not.

I'll get the police to haul your moldy a*s out of here.

(SCREAMS) Please don't drive a stake through my heart.

By the way, my name's Zachary Simms. What's yours?

I don't give my name to sex offenders, thank you.

At least not yet.

Until sunset tomorrow, madam, ignore me.

(GASPS) Get out!

What if I should sleep for another century?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Madam, if I should not awaken within the next five years

and you have need of this bed,

kindly do me the service of opening the secret door behind the fireplace

by pushing the uppermost left hand brick.

Carry me down to the crypt, place me in my coffin.

Thank you much.

God, you're ice cold.

(GASPS)

KENDALL: "1879? 1888?"

Oh, my God.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Police department, Sergeant Farfalloni.

Talk to me, babe.

I've got this thing in my bed.

Hop on, we got a live one.

Get on.

So, describe the thing, ma'am.

Well, it's not exactly a man.

Not exactly a man in your bed.

What is it? A g*y trucker?

I've never seen anyone so stiff.

Stiff. This calls for my immediate attention.

Apparently, this happens to him every day at sunrise.

Well, it's normal for these studs to salute in the morning, toots.

Normal? If what he says is true,

this one might last five years.

(LAUGHING) Five years. We'll be right over.

Listen, flatfoot, I think I have a vampire in my bed.

Oh, yeah, well, I got a real bloodsucker in mine,

my divorce lawyer.

I can handle this.

I can handle it.

Transfer all of my calls home.

Going home early?

Paula, I've got...

I've got a lot of errands to do and...

Paula...

Do you think I'm aggressive and crude?

No more than any of us. Who told you that?

You're under pressure today. What's up?

I said yes to Dwight and I have a vampire in my bed.

What? You said yes to Dwight?

Hello?

Still in there?

Oh, God.

(SIGHS)

Oh.

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

Oh, geez.

Kendall?

Kendall?

Kendall?

Kendall?

Kendall?

Kendall?

Waxing your skis?

(SNIFFING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Sorry I kept you up so late.

Sorry I disappointed you.

I found a parking space.

And I won't disappoint you now.

(EXCLAIMING)

The touch of you thrills me.

You have never felt so solid!

So firm.

It's like a statue.

(HUMMING)

Oh, Sleeping Beauty,

the prince of perfection will awaken you.

New perfume, huh?

(SNIFFING)

It's kinky. Love it.

Teaser... Teaser.

Let it happen.

(SCREAMING)

(SPITTING)

That's gross.

(SCREAMS)

Dwight!

Well... Well, where did you come from?

The crypt.

Crypt? You got religion?

To ward off evil spirits.

You... I need a drink.

But why are you undressed?

I thought I was making love to you

and all the time it was him.

How was he?

It was like kissing a dead fish.

Bat.

Who is he and why is he in your bed?

I am about to tell you the most fantastic story.

I bet you are.

His name is Zachary Simms and I'm...

What went on here?

I'm about to give you a blow by blow description.

Oh, no.

I did everything I knew to him.

Oh!

Even a couple of things I didn't even know I was capable of.

Oh, God!

What's that?

He goes for the neck.

A neck man.

I think I can handle him on my own.

But, if things get too complicated,

I may need you to get involved.

Get involved?

Yeah.

How dare you make such a suggestion.

How dare you betray me.

Betray you?

Twelve hours after agreeing to marry me,

I find you humping some sado-maso creep.

Humping? Humping? There was no humping going on.

He was trying to suck my... Stop!

Come outside, you b*stard,

I'm gonna beat you within an inch of your life.

Oh, my God, he weighs a ton.

Don't. You'll desecrate him.

Desecrate? Oh, I'll desecrate him.

Next time I run into you, buddy,

your life won't be worth a dime.

I am so disgusted with you.

I'm talking about a miracle

and you're disgusted with me? Get out.

I want you out.

Disgusted... Disgusted... Out! Out! Out!

This destroys our marriage plans.

Correction, this threatens to destroy our marriage plans.

Correction. Has destroyed.

But aren't we goin' to Paula's party tonight?

No! I mean yes. I mean, not going.

Out! Out! I got to go, I got to...

DWIGHT: Whoa!

(SIGHS)

Count Simms, it's sundown.

Twilight.

Dusk.

(YELPS)

(GRUNTING)

You didn't tell me your name.

Kendall, Kendall Gordon.

Flowers? You were having a service for me.

How depressing.

Oh.

Well, my research said I wouldn't see your reflection in the mirror.

I am a vampire. Not a ghost.

Was I dreaming or is it incredibly noisy in here?

That was Dwight.

Oh, did he see me?

See you? He tried to go all the way with you.

Does he know what I am?

Well, he thinks that... Never mind.

Is he your husband?

No.

Do you have a husband who may turn up at any moment?

I had one that never showed up.

I'm divorced.

Divorced?

You're the first divorced person I've met.

How do you bear the disgrace?

Disgrace?

My divorce was one of the best moves I ever made.

Wait.

Are we still in 1992?

Yes. Well, you've only been dead 12 hours this time.

Would you like some coffee?

Thank you, no.

How about some oat bran?

I'm a vampire, madam, not a horse.

I don't eat.

What's this?

Oh, you walk on it.

Would you like to use the bathroom?

Out house plumbing?

Well, I am dying,

bursting to find out more about your past life.

That's dull.

I was born in England in 1660.

And came to Boston when I was 15 years of age.

Oh.

Well, do you come from a long line of bats?

There are no bats hanging from my family tree, madam!

Remember vampires are not born, they're bitten.

You bit me,

does that mean I'm gonna turn into a vampire?

One tiny bite. I'd have to nip you regularly.

Well, who nipped you regularly?

Her name was Nerissa.

I met her in 1688 at a Governor's Ball during a minuet.

I can still hear the music.

She wore this beautiful black swirling gown.

Eyes like fire.

Danced till dawn, fell in love.

She transformed me.

We were together a hundred years.

That's approximately the most beautiful love story I ever heard.

So, where's Nerissa now?

She bit a congressman and acquired a taste for politics.

I woke up one sunset,

she and her coffin were gone.

I was shattered.

I just jumped into my box and slammed the lid.

It's Romeo and Juliet, monster-style.

I searched Washington, everywhere, in the 1800s.

If she wanted me, she knew where to find me.

God knows I was in.

What now?

I get to venture out and see what's new before I

slam the lid again.

And the air must reek of horse manure.

Good heavens, what are they?

(HORNS HONKING)

Cars, automobiles, junk heaps.

Cars, automobiles, junk heaps.

(ZACHARY SNIFFING)

They smell great.

At least with horse manure

you knew what you were inhaling.

(LAUGHS)

Look!

KENDALL: Look out! Whoa!

Do they run on money, too?

You bet on it.

♪ I find you attractive

♪ It's a chemical thing Radioactive

Look at that. That...

(ZACHARY LAUGHS)

(HONKING)

♪ But I knew you were the one

♪ Right from the start, baby

Would you like to go to a party with me?

ZACHARY: You must be the happiest people in the history of the world.

KENDALL: Absolutely. Define happy.

Kendall. Where's...

Paula, this is Zachary, he's an old friend.

Very old.

Hello, Zachary.

Hello, Paula, I'm very happy to make your acquaintance.

What, do you work for Haagen-Dazs?

Do I?

No. No.

Are you wearing contacts?

Am I? No.

Great eyes.

What, did you fall out of bed?

She didn't, I did.

Come on.

First you say yes to Dwight,

then you show up with this hunkmeister.

Well, who is he? What are you up to? I love it.

I have got so much to tell you.

I can't tell you.

♪ I wanna feel good, just stay tonight

♪ You know you really turn me on to the night heat ♪

No, no, no, it's okay. It's okay.

Thank you.

Paula, this is a wonderful place.

It's amazing what alimony can buy.

Alimony?

It's a side effect of divorce.

Do you know you're the second divorced person I've met?

Paula, excuse us, I want to show Zachary around.

ZACHARY: Why are you pushing me?

Hi. This is Zachary.

How do you do?

I work for Haagen-Dazs.

Hi, Jackie.

Hi, Kendall. Nice to see you. Hello, Zachary.

How do you do?

God, his hands are freezing. I work for Haagen-Dazs.

Hi, I'm Hazel.

Hello, Hazel. I work for Haagen-Dazs.

So the husband says, "Of course I believe you

"but what's that giraffe doin' in our bed?"

They're not still telling that one, are they?

Did you hear the latest one?

What's the difference between

Abraham Lincoln's beard and Robert E. Lee's wife?

What?

They both leave you with a rather nasty... Zachary!

(ARE YOU READY TO BE LOVED FOREVER PLAYING)

♪ Watching you mesmerize me

♪ Something strange is going on inside me

♪ What you do sets in motion

♪ A chain reaction like the ripples in an ocean

♪ Somehow we met somewhere in time

♪ I felt the hand of fate in mine

♪ Hand in mine

♪ Are you ready to be loved forever?

♪ That's how long we're going to be together

♪ Every night it's gonna just get better

♪ Are you ready to be loved forever?

♪ It's a chance we'll be taking

♪ Knowing rules were only made for breaking

♪ And if friends say I'm crazy

♪ It's just they haven't felt the way your lips amaze me

♪ Some things were always meant to be

♪ It's time you bet your heart on me... ♪

(CLASSICAL MINUET MUSIC PLAYING)

ZACHARY: Wow, look how incredibly beautiful Manhattan is.

It's like another world, used to be a swamp.

KENDALL: It still is.

My neck is starting to itch

so I think I'm gonna go and take this off.

Will you be okay here?

Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

Kendall...

Kendall, thanks for bringing me.

I'm having a wonderful time.

And thanks for trusting me.

Sure.

(EXCLAIMS IN AMAZEMENT)

(LAUGHING)

Hello.

Oh. Hello.

I've never been so high.

I knew it by the way you danced. What are you on?

Oh, I'm on a sort of

trip through what used to be the future.

Tell me a... Have you been divorced?

Three times!

(LAUGHING)

My poor girl.

How's your alimony?

None of 'em had a dime.

(LAUGHING)

Could I try whatever you're on?

Oh, what a beautiful mole on your throat.

Thank you.

If you'd like two more like that,

I suggest you look into my eyes, madam.

I would have brought you a drink.

Oh, sh*t! What, are you crazy?

Un-fang. Somebody's gonna see you.

Oh, God, what's your HIV?

Negative.

I don't know whether I'm witnessing a phenomenon or a felony?

(MOANING)

The midnight snack is over.

You have an excellent pumper, madam.

Oh, so do you.

Have a cookie and a glass of apple juice.

And don't do sex for five hours. Okay.

I don't usually like the taste of blood,

but hers is so flavorsome.

It's her high cholesterol that spikes it.

You saw what I have to do and it disgusts you, doesn't it?

No.

No.

It's that just a... Well, I almost forgot what you are.

(SIGHING)

ZACHARY: I hate this non-existence of mine.

This not being a part of anything.

KENDALL: But you're part of the supernatural.

To me, this is the supernatural.

CAR ALARM: You are too close to the car.

Please, step away from the car. Who said that?

(LAUGHS) It's only the car.

Only the car?

CAR ALARM: You are too close to the car.

Please, step away from the car.

Oh, I wanna drive one of these.

I wanna... I want to laugh.

I want to dance. I wanna have babies.

You can have babies?

No, no. Just the sperm part.

If ever there was a time that's right for me...

(ALARM BLARING)

(LAUGHING)

ZACHARY: You are too close to the dishwasher.

Step away from dishwasher or will crush your cup.

You are too close to the...

What am I too close to?

A refrigerator.

Refrigerator.

You are too close to the refrigerator.

Step away...

(SIGHING)

I want to be alive again.

There actually is a way of transforming me back into a human being.

But if you become a human again...

Oh, I don't know how to put this delicately.

Won't you eventually...

Croak?

Simply put, my digestive system must be revived.

It takes one year.

And I shall do it here, in my own home.

This is my house, my mortgage.

You must not have paid your taxes.

Go bite Internal Revenue.

But the only access to my crypt is through my...

Your... Our fireplace.

I want my life back.

Zachary?

Kendall, you are the brightest woman I have ever bitten.

You're the only one I can trust.

Please, help me become a human being again.

Well, I don't know if I'm qualified.

I learn fast. I'll do anything you tell me.

I won't make mistakes.

I'll be perfect.

Perfect?

There'll be expenses.

I'll get a job. I'll mop floors. I'll wait tables.

I'll even shovel horse manure.

(LAUGHS) There's bound to be a pile of it somewhere.

(SIGHING)

I'll do anything to become human again.

Kendall, I place myself in your hands.

Let's go for it.

You're wonderful!

God, I wish I'd met you 300 years ago.

So do I.

What the hell am I saying?

I haven't slept in 48 hours, my sleep cycle's screwed.

Sorry.

I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

I don't understand. Who is this Zachary?

I'd rather not discuss him.

Can you give me some kind of time frame

when you'll come to your senses

and this relationship with this individual will peter out?

I don't believe in time frames anymore.

Bye.

But...

She won't drop you a clue, huh?

No, Mr. Helsting.

Call me Vinnie.

Sounds to me like this bozo has moved in on her.

He is not her type.

He's a neck man. Oh.

He's got her so perverted

that she wanted to talk about a threesome.

Geez!

She talked about oral...

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, dames always drop their drawers for divers like that.

I've seen it happen time after time.

All right, all right.

Zachary Simms.

Neck man...

Oral artist... Oral.

All right.

I'm gonna nail him.

Oh, boy, am I gonna nail him.

I'm gonna nail him with a nail.

(SWEEDLE DEE DEET PLAYING)

♪ Sweedle dee deet ♪ Sweedle dee deet

♪ You sure look sweet ♪ You sure look sweet

♪ You'll take me, come on, let's go and declare it

♪ Sweedle dee deet ♪ Sweedle dee deet

♪ Now get out of your seat ♪ Now get out of your seat

♪ Just enough attention

♪ Sweedle dee deet Sweedle dee deet with me

♪ Come along with me

♪ We can dance all night

(YELPS)

What's all the noise?

Sorry. It's almost sunset.

The cobwebs are gone.

They were hundreds of years old.

The spiders will have a fit.

What's that? Milk.

I remember milk.

Come on.

Come on.

You're trying to k*ll me.

I am trying to jump start your digestive system.

Come on.

(EXHALES)

How do you feel?

(BURPING)

Have you got anything red?

(PANTING)

Are you okay?

I think you need some rest.

Let me check your pulse.

Hey, where is your pulse?

I had it when I came out earlier.

Your pupils are dilated.

Everything's dilated, madam.

KENDALL: Zachary!

Zachary!

Oh, geez.

Jog-dancing.

Jog-dancing.

I don't think I'm ready for this.

I think you are. No.

Yes. No.

Yes. No.

Yes. No.

Yes. No.

Yes, yes, yes. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) No.

No, no. Yes.

No. Come on.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

ZACHARY ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Hello, I can't come to the phone at the moment, I'm dead.

(MACHINE BEEPS)

KENDALL: Zachary, change that message.

Listen, I'm working late tonight,

so take your temperature and your blood pressure and meet me at 7:00.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Easy. Do it easy.

Okay, now just a little bit of gas.

This guy's gotta be from New Jersey or something.

Nobody drives any worse than that.

(DOOR OPENS)

DWIGHT: Kendall...

(DOOR CLOSES)

Kendall...

Anyone?

Kendall...

Hello...

Kendall?

Anybody?

What's his name?

(GASPS) Knock-knock!

I'm terribly sorry.

I keep telling myself not to come up on people from behind.

Is this your campsite?

(STAMMERS) No. I just came by to return something.

Oh. Is there a Zachary Simms hanging out here?

There is.

Uh, I met him once, he wouldn't remember me, I hope.

Ah, I don't know where he's hanging out right now.

That's okay, I know where to look.

I'm Dwight Putnam.

Putnam. Putnam.

Are you in politics?

(LAUGHS)

Please!

And you are?

Nerissa.

Nerissa. N-e-r-i-s-s-a?

Hmm. What an unusual name.

I'm an unusual girl.

Your hands are freezing!

They were dangling outside the taxicab window.

So...

What are you to Zachary?

Oh, we cut a couple of crazy capers in Cape Cod.

I would love to hear about them.

Want something to drink?

(EXCLAIMS) If you insist.

Oh!

I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what came over me.

Are you by any chance wearing boxers?

Uh-huh. Well, that must be it.

You're very uninhibited.

You can't afford to be a wallflower.

(COUGHS)

Here's my 24-hour 800 number.

From sundown to sunrise, ring my beeper.

So, uh,

tell me about those crazy capers.

I'm sure Kendall won't mind if I open the bar

(LAUGHS) for an old friend of Zachary's.

What'll you have?

(CHUCKLES) Uh, a zombie.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) A zombie?

A zombie you want, a zombie you'll get. I love challenges.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Zombie, with a "z." Ah-ha!

(CHUCKLING) Zombie!

(EXCLAIMS) There's a lot of ingredients here.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay. Well, I am dying to hear about all the fun

you and zany Zachary had!

Well, one Halloween night...

What are you doing?

Well, I was looking for the ladies room.

In the fireplace?

That's the way we put the fires out in the old days.

John's over there.

So, the Halloween story.

Well, the moon was full...

(METALLIC RUMBLING)

This is gonna take about two hours but,

if you got the time, I got the cherries.

Nerissa?

Nerissa?

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Come on. Okay.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

N-e-r-i-s-s-a.

(DOOR CLOSING) KENDALL: Dwight.

Hi.

Did you see anyone?

What are you doing here?

(KEYS RATTLING) Uh, I, um,

came by to return your keys.

I didn't want to drop them in the mailbox.

Kendall's a little slow on the intros.

I'm Dwight Putnam.

Zachary Simms. How do you do?

(BLOWING) You been throwing snowballs?

(COUGHS) Oh, no, I work for Haagen-Dazs.

(CHUCKLES)

You work for Haagen-Dazs? No. Um...

We just had an ice cream cone.

You look...

...different.

Uh, that's because Kendall's been doing such a wonderful job

making me look so human.

Human?

Newman. Paul Newman.

We just saw a Paul Newman movie and he wanted to dress like him.

Are you one of the South Hampton Simms?

Am I? No.

ZACHARY: No.

Where you from?

(MOUTHING WORDS)

Where is he from? Up north.

Up north.

How far up?

Dwight, why are you asking so many questions?

He's asking as many as me.

You're a lucky guy, Zachary. She's a wonderful girl.

The problem is she's got this fantasy about finding the perfect guy.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

It's not a fantasy anymore.

Pizza anyone? Oh.

DWIGHT: Zachary, ask her what you do for a living.

I don't have a job at the moment,

but I'm desperately looking for one.

I might be able to help.

Do you know anything about insurance?

Sure, we had that.

You know, for six dollars, you could get a policy from Benjamin Franklin...

You know about the Benjamin Franklin six-dollar deductible policy?

(CHUCKLES) Hardly anyone knows that.

You fascinate me, Zachary.

My firm has openings for people like you.

Aggressive, success-oriented men who want to get everything out of life!

That's exactly what I want!

When can you start?

When can I start? When can he start?

He has a health problem. You wouldn't believe his diet.

How bad is your health?

If you wrote a life insurance policy on me right now,

I'd probably collect every day. But,

I can work from sundown to dawn.

Hmm.

Ah-ha! I could start you in data analysis, they work the night shift.

Dwight, thank you. You're my idea of a real human being.

(LAUGHING) Dwight.

Why are you doing this?

I'd like to have the perfect man working for me.

(STUTTERS) See you tomorrow when the sun goes down

(LAUGHING) or when the moon goes up.

(HOWLS)

Where'd you dig him up?

(DOOR CLOSING)

I've got a job! I've got blood pressure.

(LAUGHS) I'd never have come this far

if it weren't for you.

I'm going to make you so proud of me.

I already am proud of you.

Kendall, I love you.

(CHUCKLES) Oh!

Well, based on past experience, adding reality to fantasy...

...subtracting fantasy from reality...

Forget reason.

I love you.

Oh, I'm so happy!

I'm going to eat the whole pizza tonight!

(LAUGHS) And I'll make you coffee later.

I'll check your vital signs after dinner.

(SIGHS) Mine, too.

This'll look great in the crypt!

(CHAINS RATTLING)

(CHUCKLES) Oh, Zacky.

(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMS) Well, you see, it doesn't quite work there.

Who... Who are you?

I'm from the Immigration and Naturalization service.

It's a raid. Donde esta Zachary Simms?

Zachary?

Zachary?

NERISSA: Hi, Zachary.

What is that in your mouth?

(COUGHS) Pizza.

Food?

It's not food, it's pizza.

(LAUGHS) You're sucking pizza. Why?

I don't see any entry wounds on her throat.

(LAUGHING) Who's the tr*mp?

Kendall, this is Nerissa.

(LAUGHS) Hi, old-timer.

You look terrific!

Why don't you give me a fast 200-year recap?

Same address, same box, 200 years, don't remember you knocking on the lid.

Oh, now Zacky! I came by during the Civil w*r,

World Wars I and II. And I did pop by when the atom b*mb was dropped.

(CHUCKLES) What catastrophe brings you by now?

I missed my Zacky.

I had to see him.

Still hanging around with the Washington set, are we?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I haven't missed a party there

in over 200 years.

I'm a lobbyist now.

So, Zacky, how would you like to come and bite for Uncle Sam?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Well, I'm weaning myself off of blood at the moment.

(LAUGHS) Onto what? Not synthetic blood?

Oh, no, Zacky, it has side effects.

I know this vampire who tried it once,

slimy, squiggly things sprouted out all over him.

Now he runs around biting alley cats.

Oh, no. I'm into proteins, vitamins, carbohydrates, fats.

I re-humanizing.

(CHUCKLES)

If I had a working stomach, I'd throw up.

I gave you immortality and you want to trade it in for Twinkies?

You gave me 200 years of heartache.

I only became a vampire in the first place because I was in love with you

and I thought you were in love with me.

Well, of course I was in love with you.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, Zacky!

Remember 1776?

(CHUCKLES) Philadelphia.

That night we broke into Independence Hall.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I haven't thought about that for ages.

(LAUGHING) You were wild.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Laugh.

Nerissa signed the Declaration of Independence.

What... What was the name, what was that name you signed...

Oh, Francis Lightfoot Lee! Francis Lightfoot Lee!

(HOWLS) Yes, and John Hancock kept walking around

saying, "Who the hell is Francis Lightfoot Lee?" Francis Lightfoot Lee.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

Well, that's all history now, isn't it?

(SIGHING)

You know, I think signing that declaration went to your head.

I gave up my life for you and you walked out on me.

You know, this represents hope, happiness,

and a real future.

You want proteins and carbohydrates and fats, fine.

I'll give you money and you can open up a pizza parlor in Washington.

I don't want a pizza parlor in Washington!

I don't even want to be a vampire!

I just want to be left alone with the woman I love.

I'm quite capable of loving someone.

Try Frankenstein.

Nerissa, we had a hot 100 years together.

I carried the torch for you for 200 more, enough is enough.

I will never have enough of you, Zacky.

You and I, we are an endangered species, so listen up.

Of the all the vampires whoever tried to re-humanize,

I've never heard of one making it.

I'll make it.

(SIGHS) Yeah.

You'll make it with a wooden stake up your backside.

Here's my 24-hour 800 number.

From sundown to sunrise, ring my beeper.

Trick or treat.

I'm sorry Nerissa upset you so much.

She didn't upset me.

She just made me realize how much I want you.

(BOTH MOANING)

Has time changed sex in any way?

I don't know. I wasn't the one making it 300 years ago.

Oh.

(GIGGLING)

(EXCLAIMS) Are you afraid of me?

Of course not.

You just shivered.

Just at the thought that

a certain part of your body might be as cold as the rest of you.

(EXCLAIMS) At last, I found a pile!

I told you I would. Oh, great!

(LAUGHING)

(HORSE SNUFFLING) Good boy.

Would you like to go for a ride with me, madam?

He doesn't have a birth certificate.

He doesn't have any credit cards.

He doesn't have a TRW.

No paper trail.

First time I saw him, he looked awful enough

to be put in the medical journals.

Hmm. Blue Cross probably got stuck with him.

(CHUCKLES) I'll find the skeleton in his closet.

You can bet your bones on that.

(PRINTING)

ZACHARY: Hello, Dwight, it's Zachary Simms.

I was wondering whether I could come and see you this evening

when I come into work?

I've tracked $1.3 million that is moved from

department to department in blocks of five and ten thousand dollars.

Oh, my God, you're right!

(EXCLAIMING)

Good work! Let's talk future.

Bela Lugosi, my favorite.

(BOTH MUNCHING)

Go for it, Bela.

(EXCLAIMS)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

You know, it's really a shame you can't turn into a bat.

Oh, but I can.

(MUNCHING)

Do you mean it?

Yeah. I just don't like to admit to it, I never enjoy doing it.

It's so... It's ugly and tacky.

You want to see me turn into a bat, don't you?

Hmm. You do, don't you?

Yeah.

Sure? Yeah.

(SIGHS) Okay.

Don't panic.

It's not very pleasant...

If anything goes wrong, call 911.

(SIGHS)

(GROANS)

(SCREAMS)

(GROANING)

(IMITATING BAT)

(LAUGHING)

I'm a bat. What do you think of that?

(LAUGHS) I think you'll get a hernia if you try to make it up to the rafters.

(IMITATING BAT SOUNDS)

(GIGGLING)

It'll be sunset in a little while.

Come on, you have to start going out in the daylight.

You're trying to destroy me!

(ELEVATOR DOOR OPENING)

Hey! ZACHARY: Pardon me.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Frankly, I hoped you'd fall on your a*s,

but you have made incredible progress.

Zachary?

Incredible progress. Zachary... I'm with you, Dwight.

(CLEARS THROAT) You are one of the most outstanding members of my firm.

From now on, you report directly to me.

Zachary?

(EXCLAIMING) Outstanding member. Directly under me.

Your sole purpose

is to make this company more profitable. No matter what it takes.

Zachary? No matter what it takes.

Zachary. Why are you doing that?

Oh, um, I'm exercising.

Ah, you want to be a success, you want to be a player?

You want respect from cutthroats?

Every conceivable luxury? Get with the program.

Hmm. Be bloodthirsty.

(STAMMERS) We're not talking real blood, are we?

A bloodthirsty attitude.

(SLURPING) Make a deal, get every last drop.

(CHUCKLES)

You also get a big salary bump.

And a company car.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

You're a player.

Drive, Zachary, drive!

Slow down.

I can handle it. I can handle it.

(MUMBLING)

Slow down, you bum, will you?

Oh, he's gotta be from New Jersey.

And now, I'd like you all to meet

our new executive Vice President,

Zachary Simms.

(ALL CLAPPING)

(CHOKING)

Please don't throw up on me.

I won't.

I'm okay. Once again.

(CHOKING)

What is it about me?

It's not you. It's me.

That's what they all say.

You're not ready for a relationship.

(CHUCKLES) Excuse me, madam.

(CHOKING) Kendall? I almost...on her.

Good.

No, you don't understand, it's the blood!

I can't take direct donor blood anymore.

I think my own system has kicked back in.

I won't have to bite anyone.

I think I'm almost human.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(VOMITING)

Uh...

Security, seems to be a neck man running around the building.

(SIGHING) Oh, he was just here.

Really? Oh, may I just...

(EXCLAIMING)

(SIGHS) Beautiful!

(CAMERA SNAPPING)

(CHUCKLING SOFTLY)

(PHONE RINGING)

Yes? Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

It's Dwight Putnam. We met a couple of months ago.

Oh, yes.

Well, it's about Zachary. You know, he works for me now.

Super guy! Yes, um...

I just wanna find out a couple of details about him.

Nothing special, you know, maybe even that Cape Cod caper story.

Well, I'm terribly sorry, but I don't talk about men that I've had sex with.

Can't chat now, I'm in a meeting.

(KNOCKING)

Anybody home?

Anybody in?

(SIGHS)

(GRUNTING)

(MUMBLING)

(PHONE RINGING)

ZACHARY: Hello, I can't come to the phone at the moment, I'm dead.

(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)

NERISSA: Zachary, this is Nerissa.

Be careful, or Dwight Putnam will find out what you really are.

(ANSWERING MACHINE REWINDING)

ZACHARY: Hello, I can't come to the phone at the moment, I'm dead.

I guess that nails him.

Yeah, well, I'll write you a 10-year policy that'll save you 10,000 a year.

Zachary?

Dwight, can't talk right now. I'm just clinching the McGaty deal

and my calls are backed up.

Jennifer, see if you could find time for Mr. Putnam tomorrow, would you?

Look, I'm virtually giving you $100,000 here.

Is it a deal or not?

Hey, Putnam? Putnam, wait, wait!

(PANTING) Wait. Putnam? Putnam? Putnam? Putnam?

That bozo, I found his skeleton.

His skeleton? He is a card-carrying vampire.

(STUTTERS) Vinnie, please!

He bites women in the neck.

So do I.

(STUTTERS) Look at that.

Hickey pictures.

He hides out in the Kendall dame's fireplace.

In the fireplace?

In a crazy-colored coffin.

In a crazy-colored coffin?

I'm telling you, I researched the archives.

That man is 350 years old.

And he used to hang around with a 400-year-old woman.

Vinnie, call me tomorrow, I'll get you admitted to Bellevue.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING) That bozo is a vampire. Beware!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Watch your neck!

Schmuck!

(MUMBLING)

A vampire! NERISSA: Did you say, vampire?

Who said that?

Well, he shacked up on the best...

(EXCLAIMS)

There is not such thing as a vampire.

I've got proof.

There's no such thing as a vampire.

There is no such thing as a vampire.

Who, who, who...

No such thing as a vampire.

ZACHARY: We will also acquire Dolphin Marine Insurance

and Gervis Finance.

This will widen our stock margin

and increase the value of our shares by 30 percent a year

for the next 100.

Ladies and gentlemen, all this can only be accomplished

by reorganizing our corporation and disposing of any

deadwood.

NERISSA: Hickey pictures.

I think your detective has seen one too many movies.

So Zachary bites women on the neck.

Even I've been known to bite on occasion.

That's right, you tried to bite me the first time we met.

Hmm. Believe it or not I'm fighting the same impulse even as we speak.

Oh, don't fight it too hard.

(EXCLAIMING)

(SIGHING)

If Zachary is a vampire

then I am the tooth fairy.

I assume he's bitten you.

Oh, Zachary never could keep his teeth to himself.

I've been suspicious of him from the minute I kissed him.

(SIGHS) You kissed him?

Well, I was lying on top of him trying to arouse him.

(EXCLAIMS)

(SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES) A neck man, neck person.

(EXCLAIMING) Oh, your lips, so magical.

Your lips are not as cold as Zachary's.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, his hand was colder.

Well...

You know, I've never been this excited by kissing.

I feel my heart pumping.

Blood gushing through my veins.

(EXCLAIMING) I...

I think I'm gonna have a performance problem.

You might wanna slow up a bit.

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You bit me. You wild...

Blood. Oh!

That is no hickey. Oh.

Petite fangs make petite punctures.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

You and Zachary are vampires!

(EXCLAIMING)

All that stuff about ghosts and goblins is true.

Stop, I won't sleep a wink.

I can't believe it. A nice girl like you. How?

(BEEPER BEEPING)

My beeper. Where's the phone?

(BREATHING HEAVILY) Behind you, next to the bed.

(DIALING TELEPHONE)

What do you want?

What? What?

Your Zacky just bit my company.

(PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHING)

Police desk, Sergeant Farfalloni.

(SNORTING) Talk to me, toad.

I don't know whether I need a SWAT team or an exorcist.

Back it up, Bamm-Bamm.

Well, this woman was sucking my neck.

(EXCLAIMS) Well, I mean, she wasn't exactly a woman.

Hop on this, we got a winner.

Get on there.

So, it's not exactly a woman sucking on your neck.

What is it, a drag queen?

(STAMMERING) No. No. No, she's got great breasts.

(LAUGHING)

Look, she's over 400 years old.

You're reporting some 400-year-old babe

(POLICE OFFICER LAUGHING) with huge jugs suckin' on your neck?

Yeah. Uh... What is this, an age discrimination complaint?

Um, look, I'm reporting a vampire.

No, two, two vampires,

uh, the other's a man.

Two vampires?

I got a report like this last year. These squids are multiplying.

(POLICE OFFICERS LAUGHING)

Hey, tell you what. Take three cloves of garlic,

two crosses and call me in the morning, stud puppet!

(POLICE OFFICERS LAUGHING)

Assholes! Pig!

(CAR PHONE DIALING)

(CAR PHONE RINGING)

(CHUCKLES) Nerissa?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

KENDALL: Zachary?

Where is he?

Did he? Her.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Your perfect man just made himself Chief Executive Officer of my company.

There's a 300-year-old vampire sitting behind my desk.

And you knew about it all the time.

I tried to tell you.

Your fantasy cost me everything.

I hold you personally responsible.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna wait right here for him.

I could sue you.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(LAUGHS)

Boo!

Where's Zacky? Uh...

Zacky is late.

What is all of this about?

Your Zacky stole my business and Kendall.

I want them both back!

I'll settle for the business.

Is there a non-gory way you can evict a vampire?

He may not be a vampire anymore!

Last I saw he had pizza oozing from his mouth.

Is there a dirty trick you can do?

Well, if he's gone human,

I suppose the dirtiest thing I could do is

bite him and re-vamporize him.

(HUMMING)

Oh, it's Zachary.

Uh, we gotta surprise him. Where can we hide?

Follow me.

(GROANING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(DOOR OPENING) DWIGHT: Oh, boy.

In.

No way.

Get in! Okay.

(ZACHARY LAUGHING)

Honey, I'm home!

Damn it!

(SIGHS)

Kendall? You want a drink?

(SIGHING)

Sweet cakes.

(LAUGHING) Pumpkin.

Uh, sorry I'm late. I had a big board meeting.

Uh...

Let's get on with the Zachary Simms

through the fireplace anniversary, shall we? The party?

So much to celebrate.

At dawn, the year will be up and I'll be human again.

Let's drink to that.

Here.

Zachary Simms, human being, man of the '90s.

(CHUCKLING)

So, say something.

Dwight. (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah, Dwight.

Isn't it great?

(SMACKING LIPS)

I just made him much richer.

I set up this super, super deal.

He'll never have to do a day's work in his life.

(LAUGHS) He can do anything he wants.

He wants to run his own company.

(LAUGHS) No. Anything but that, I run it now.

What a sensational year, though.

I've changed from the bogeyman in the moldy old cloak

to the corporation president in $2,000 suits.

From dust to dirt.

(EXCLAIMING)

Just because I've adapted to the 20th century so perfectly.

Oddly enough, you haven't.

Update your thinking, Kendall, stop living in the past.

Get with the program.

Look, I've got a big surprise for you.

I've booked a suite at the Plaza.

We can stay there until we find a penthouse of our own.

I'm sick of this old tomb and its memories.

Let's just pack up and get out before dawn.

You pack. You get out before dawn.

I'm putting an ad in the paper to sub-let the crypt.

I hope I get a werewolf the next time.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(LAUGHING)

(DWIGHT IMITATING WEREWOLF HOWLING)

(WHOOPING)

(THUD)

(GROANING)

Dwight?

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS) Who did the neck job?

Nerissa, what an anniversary this has turned out to be, huh?

Uh, would you like a drink, darling?

Got you, devil, demon!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

ZACHARY: What the hell do you think you're doing?

No! Kendall, help! Kendall, help!

What is this, an orgy?

She's trying to re-vamp me!

Devil! Re-vamp?

Stay out of it, Kendall. Don't mess with poetic justice.

Stop her before my system gets imbalanced.

Put a cork in it, old-timer.

(EXCLAIMING)

(MEN GRUNTING)

(KENDALL SCREAMS)

Kendall?

(MOANING)

Kendall?

Are you all right?

KENDALL: (SIGHS) Yeah. Yeah, we're okay.

What do you mean, we? And why are you rubbing your stomach?

I just felt something fluttering inside.

Oh, you're just stressed, she's got butterflies in her stomach.

Any evening sickness?

I've had cravings of wanting to hang upside down in a dark cave.

Those aren't butterflies. She's pregnant.

You got pregnant by a vampire?

When the doctor said the rabbit died,

came back to life at sunset and bit the nurse in the butt.

(LAUGHS) That's my boy! We're having a baby!

I'm having a baby, without you.

I want you out of my life.

You can't do that to me.

To it. To us.

(SIGHS)

What's inside of you right now is something that I've dreamt about since...

(MUMBLING) Since... She knows the dates.

He always blubbered about having babies.

Kendall, you know I love you.

I'll do anything if you'll let me have our baby with you.

Go back to being a vampire.

What, and give up eating pizza?

I never should have tried to change you in the first place.

As a vampire, you had your own kind of perfection.

You were more human when you were dead.

Zacky, reinstate me.

You become the consultant with the perpetual income

that will make you rich through the centuries.

This is a perfect vampire package.

Bottom line, you're better off dead.

Really.

You're asking me to give up my life like she did.

I'm asking you to put it on hold.

And this way you can give the baby all its night feedings

and I can get some sleep.

Zacky, go for it.

I want the old Zachary back.

(CHUCKLES)

Nerissa, how long do you think it would take

to get him back to the happy hunting grounds?

I'll put a rush on it. He'll be ready by the weekend.

I never had a baby.

So if it's a girl, could you name her after me?

I mean, I am sort of a godmother in a roundabout sort of way.

I don't know, I could buy cute little dresses

and take her to see the Mets play night games.

Oh, and if it's a boy, name it after Dracula.

(STREET SWEEPER APPROACHING)

The sun. The sun.

The sun?

Damn it! Now I've gotta start thinking about the sun again!

Um, I really hate it when this happens.

Uh, Nerissa, why don't you stay for brunch?

You can use the guest room.

You know, you're not so bad after all.

DWIGHT: Nerissa?

Dwight, I'm off duty.

You are a valuable contact.

I have an opening for you.

Ring my beeper. Now don't sneak down to the crypt during the day

and jump on my bones, okay?

Good night.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Good night. Good morning, whatever.

(EXCLAIMS)

You damn vampires. Now you've got me afraid of the sun.

Kendall.

Do you think the baby might be ashamed of me?

Our baby will adore you.

Nerissa says you'll be a full blown vampire by the weekend.

Why do you think I'm gobbling up this pizza?

Your fangs will get sharp again.

I've already got a toothache.

And when our baby is old enough to understand,

you'll bite me!

What? Vamporize me.

I couldn't do that to you.

You have to. That's the only way that we can be the perfect love story.

We can bite our way through the centuries till we find the perfect one.

I bet,

if we try really, really hard,

we can turn into bats!

You're kidding.

Does this look like I'm kidding?

Have you gone stark raving batty?

(LAUGHING)

Look into my eyes, madam.

♪ Never

♪ Ever and ever

♪ I'll hold you close to me

♪ And we'll be together

♪ Through all eternity

♪ And nothing's gonna come between our love

♪ And nothing's gonna take away our miracle

♪ And never gonna get enough

♪ of holding, kissing, and loving you

♪ Oh, we're never gonna say goodbye

♪ I'm always gonna be right by your side

♪ I'm never gonna say goodbye

♪ Eternally, it's you and me, together

♪ Forever

♪ Like dancing and music

♪ We fit together perfectly

♪ We got something special

♪ Let's not lose it

♪ The way true love should be

♪ And nothing's gonna come between our love

♪ And nothing's gonna take away our miracle

♪ No, I'm never gonna get enough

♪ of holding, kissing, of loving you

♪ Oh, we're never gonna say goodbye

♪ I'm always gonna be right by your side

♪ We're never gonna say goodbye

♪ Eternally, it's you and me together

♪ Forever

♪ And if the world would end today

♪ I know our souls would still embrace

♪ And if the sun refused to shine

♪ I wouldn't care, 'cause I know you're mine

♪ Never gonna say goodbye

♪ I'll always be right by your side ♪